Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 10
EPISODE 1
Air Date: September 28, 2024
"16 Candles: The Coronation" (Season Premiere)
Special Guest Stars: Jim Lampley as Himself, Larisa Oleynik as Denise
#TYH1002
SCENE 1
MGM Grand Garden Arena
Las Vegas, Nevada
Fade in. An exterior evening shot of the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas.
SCENE 2
MGM Grand Garden Arena
Las Vegas, Nevada
(The 1990s version of the "HBO World Championship Boxing" end credits plays in the background)
Dissolve. Boxing commentator Jim Lampley is shown in the "HBO World Championship Boxing" commentary booth. He turns to the camera.
JIM LAMPLEY: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. We wish you were here for this historic occasion on HBO PPV. You know, the MGM Grand has played host to some of the biggest boxing matches of all-time, but this one event is guaranteed to trump all of them. You already know, the 16th birthday celebration of comedic powerhouse KG Jennings. This is more than just a party. It's a celebration of maturity, a coronation, and an introduction...to manhood. Let's go down live to the action for KG's entrance.
The bell rings.
RING ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the man of the hour. He's the king of comedy, the Casanova of George Meyer High, the most fly 16-year-old to ever exist. He is...KG Jennings!
("Throne" by Sierra McClain and V. Bozeman plays through the arena's loudspeakers)
The arena darkens and all you can see are the lights from everyone's phones. A sole spotlight shines on the entranceway, and a platform raises KG from the floor to the entrance. The crowd yells in approval as KG, wearing sunglasses, is shown bouncing up and down like Brock Lesnar, in a red boxing robe with his face covered by a hood. The robe reads "XVI" on the back of it in gold letters, and KG faces forward. He does a bizarre, uncoordinated dance that makes a couple girls in the audience scream, then he marches intensely to the ring. Denise, Rodney, and Trevor are by his side as his entourage.
KG gets in the ring and continues his Lesnar bouncing, moves into some shadowboxing, then goes to all four corners of the ring to hear the crowd's approval. He then takes off his hood to reveal frosted tips in his hair.
("Throne" abruptly cuts off and is replaced by "16 at War" by Karina)
The sudden music change confuses everybody in attendance, including KG and his friends.
KG: What the hell is that?!
SCENE 3
The Jennings Household
Interior KG's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
Cut to RK walking into KG's room, playing "16 at War" on his portable speaker and dancing. KG wakes up and looks annoyed as RK turns off the song.
RK: Happy Sweet 16, bro.
KG: Dude, what are you doing? My birthday's not for another three weeks.
RK: I know, but it's getting close and I want to start celebrating now. On the day of, I'll probably forget to do this 'cause...you know, I'll have other shit going on.
KG: Well, I appreciate it, but I was having an amazing dream and you ruined it with your cheap-ass R&B music.
RK: Hey, just because nobody knows where Karina is, doesn't give you the right to disrespect her!
KG: Whatever. Look, RK, this is going to be the most important night of my life. The thing about becoming 16 is that I'm a man now. A grown, responsible adult. It means I say goodbye to childish things, and start thinking about my future.
RK: You can't even vote when you're 16, what the hell are you talking about?
KG: The point is, I'm going to be in a different zone now that I'm 16. And 16-year-olds need their beauty sleep.
RK: You know, I understand that, KG. I do. But as the executive producer of your birthday party, this is my bread and butter. You knew the deal when you gave me the job.
KG: You tricked me into letting you plan the party.
RK: It was a coin toss. If you think that's a trick, I don't want to hear any more of your opinions on magic.
SCENE 4
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Sparky, Buster, RK, and Jaylynn walk into school together.
SPARKY: Well, guys, it's that time of year again.
BUSTER: You mean, our annual tradition where we say all the things we hate about each other?
SPARKY: What? No, we've never done that.
BUSTER: Oh, right. You're supposed to do that on Festivus. You were saying?
SPARKY: The big fitness test in gym class. We're going to get tested on all things physical. Push-ups, curl-ups, the PACER?
RK: Why are you saying it like none of us know what it is?
SPARKY: Because it's obvious we need to refresh our memories. We always forget about it and then we feel bad because we weren't prepared.
JAYLYNN: Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm officially excused from this year's test.
RK: What? No way, you lie. You lie so much, you dirty redhead.
BUSTER: Jaylynn, how did you get out of it?
JAYLYNN: I haven't gotten out of it, per se. But with this fake doctor's note, it's pretty much a guarantee.
Jaylynn gives the guys her fake doctor's note.
SPARKY: You wrote a doctor's note so you wouldn't take the test?
JAYLYNN: I mean, Lynne helped me, but yeah. Looks legit, doesn't it?
BUSTER: "Please excuse Jaylynn from this year's FitnessGram. She broke her neck while skateboarding, and she now requires immediate spinal fusion surgery. If you make her run or do anything athletic, her spine will cave in and she'll die in front of her peers. Is that what you want? For a kid's blood to be on your hands?"
SPARKY: It's not even signed.
JAYLYNN: Damn, I forgot.
Jaylynn takes the note, signs it, and gives it back.
SPARKY: "Sincerely yours, Dr. Maclin."
JAYLYNN: Yeah, he was my old pediatrician.
RK: You're sick, Jaylynn. Just sick in the head. Can Lynne write me a note, too?
SPARKY: No, she can't. Jaylynn, you don't need some lame note to get out of the test. Just do what you can and get it over with.
JAYLYNN: Hell no. I wasn't exercising this summer, I was having fun. If I do that PACER, I'll be gassed in five laps.
BUSTER: I still have the record for least amount of laps. It will be pretty hard for any of you guys to beat three.
RK: Buster, that's not something to take pride in.
JAYLYNN: Look, I already know Coach Adams is going to kill us on this test. I'm doing whatever I can to get out of it.
RK: You know what you could do? Make everyone think you're crazy. I heard about this guy that was being audited by the IRS, and to get out of it, he did stuff like wear a tinfoil hat, draw with purple crayon, and say, "Howdy do? Mighty fine, thank you!" over and over. At the end of the day, the IRS man was like, "Man, get...get this crazy fool out of my office!"
SPARKY: You stole that from somewhere, didn't you?
RK: You can't prove that. By the way, Jay, if you use my plan, you have to say you're crazy as much as you can until Coach gets it. Crazy people only get taken seriously when they announce themselves.
SCENE 5
George Meyer High School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
KG and his friends are eating lunch.
TREVOR: So, KG, if I'm your best man for your sweet 16, do I get to make a toast?
KG: Trevor, birthdays don't have a best man.
TREVOR: Yeah, they do. My cousin told me himself. He was the best man for his friend's birthday.
RODNEY: Did his friend choose him to be the best man or did he just call himself that?
TREVOR: I don't know, Rodney. I wasn't at the party, damn.
DENISE: Don't waste your time, Trevor. RK's doing all the planning for KG's birthday.
RODNEY: Wait, what? You're letting your little brother take care of all that?
KG: Why not? I trust his ideas. Besides, I feel bad. When I turned 14, I told him he wasn't invited. I owe him one.
DENISE: He was at your 15th birthday?
KG: Probably. For some reason, I barely remember anything from when I turned 15.
RODNEY: That's because you were so tired from planning your party, you were asleep in the chocolate fountain all night.
KG: There we go. But who bought the fountain?
TREVOR: Forget about the chocolate water fountain, we have bigger problems. I want to be useful, KG. Make me pick up the dry cleaning, tie cans to the back of your car.
KG: Again, Trevor, not a birthday thing.
TREVOR: That's not what my cousin said.
RODNEY: K, maybe it's not the worst idea to have Trevor handle something about your birthday. He knows you better than a lot of people do.
KG: Doesn't RK know me?
RODNEY: Different story. RK's a boy, you're about to become a man. You can't send a boy to do a man's job.
KG: Alright, I hear ya. Trevor, since RK is the executive producer of my birthday, you're his number two. Whatever he needs, you get it for him.
TREVOR: I won't let you down, buddy.
KG: Denise, I'm surprised. I thought you would want to help plan the party.
DENISE: I kinda want to, but then I remembered how stressful it was to help Danielle plan her birthday. So, I'm good for the rest of my life.
SCENE 6
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Gymnasium
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster run laps with each other as RK times them.
RK: Okay, stop.
SPARKY: How many was that?
RK: Fifteen laps in 55 seconds. Not bad.
SPARKY: I knew it. I knew us running this summer would pay off, right, Buster?
BUSTER: No kidding. Now, I get to keep my record intact. I was getting worried for a second there.
Beat. Sparky and RK give each other bored looks.
RK: More laps?
SPARKY: More laps.
RK: Alright, hit it.
Sparky and Buster resume running laps. Cut to Jaylynn walking up to Coach Adams.
JAYLYNN: Hey Coach Adams? Could we talk?
COACH ADAMS: Yeah, we could. But before that, why don't you head on over to Dunkin' Donuts and get me a bagel with cream cheese?
JAYLYNN: What?
COACH ADAMS: It's a joke. Because of how inappropriate it is that-
JAYLYNN: Yeah, I get why someone else would think it's funny, but I wanted to talk to you about this fitness test. I'm not taking it.
COACH ADAMS: Oh, you're not? And why is that?
JAYLYNN: Well, I, um...I decided to go on strike and protest the school.
COACH ADAMS: Why are you protesting?
JAYLYNN: Because Colin Kaepernick's still not on an NFL team. I'm pissed. And until a team signs him, I'm not taking the test.
COACH ADAMS: Jaylynn, the FitnessGram is a requirement for all kids. If you don't take it, there will be no way to assess your health.
JAYLYNN: There are other ways to assess it. Basketball, badminton, soccer. Actual sports. All the PACER will do is give me a heart attack.
COACH ADAMS: You're being dramatic.
JAYLYNN: I really don't think I am.
COACH ADAMS: Look, bottom line, your request is denied. If you don't try, you'll never know what you can do.
JAYLYNN: Kaepernick tried and look what happened to him. Now, he just tosses the football alone in his backyard.
COACH ADAMS: Will you stop talking about Kaepernick?
JAYLYNN: If I don't, will you make me stop by excusing me from the test?
SCENE 7
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That night, RK watches TV when KG walks in.
KG: Bro, what's going on?
RK: Nothing much. I was just brainstorming about your party. Who can we get as a musical guest?
KG: You think Chris Brown might come?
RK: Dude, what the f***?
KG: Look, I know it sounds weird, but about a year ago, when he dropped that album that was like, six hours, I was inspired.
RK: I'll keep him in mind.
KG: Actually, it's good we're talking about my birthday. I told Trevor that he's your number two.
RK: My number two? For what? I don't need a partner.
KG: RK, think big. This is my sweet 16, my coronation of manhood. If you want to plan a man's party, you need a man's input.
RK: Trevor. The same guy that got lost in his own house, and thinks that Billie Eilish is a robot from outer space.
KG: Look, he volunteered. And don't tell me you don't think that about Billie Eilish, too.
RK: I don't know, man. I don't need that pothead getting in my way.
KG: Well, it's my birthday, so I get to make whatever decisions I want. Besides, you're still in charge. I just want to give Trevor a chance to prove himself.
RK: Damn. That's airtight logic. Maybe I'll keep him busy with stuff that I really hate doing.
KG: See, now, you're thinking like a man. Give responsibilities you don't want to people under you. Mr. Ansolabehere does it all the time.
RK: Is that why you smelled like rat shit that one time?
KG: For the last time, I am never talking about that night ever again.
RK: Dag, man, calm down.
SCENE 8
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The next morning, Jaylynn and Anja sit on the couch.
JAYLYNN: Are you kidding me?
ANJA: No. Me being Muslim doesn't prevent me from doing the fitness test.
JAYLYNN: That's bullshit, man. That's religious discrimination and we need to fight it. Get Tom Mesereau or whoever.
ANJA: Jaylynn, what the heck is going on here?
JAYLYNN: I was thinking that if I convert to Islam, I can tell Coach Adams that my religion prevents me from taking the test. Then he can't touch me.
ANJA: You thought being Muslim would prevent you from exercising?
JAYLYNN: Anj, you talk about this stuff like it's rocket science. I grew up reading comic books, not the Quran.
ANJA: Once again, you're overthinking simple things. Yeah, it might be a little embarrassing not doing ten sit-ups, but you do it and get it over with.
JAYLYNN: Easy for you to say. You're built like a tank.
ANJA: How? When? Where? What?
JAYLYNN: I just don't want to face all the kids in class and look like I'm out of shape. That's it.
ANJA: Well, my test results were never that great, but I don't care. I just do the bare minimum.
JAYLYNN: Really? That's allowed?
ANJA: Yes. Nobody cares how many laps you can run. Is that how it is for you guys? Everything's a competition?
JAYLYNN: More or less. We have high standards, that's why we look so great.
ANJA: Forget about that. Just squeak by this year and you'll see how much it doesn't matter.
JAYLYNN: Squeak by?
ANJA: Yeah. Just sneak on past the average.
JAYLYNN: I sneak and squeak.
ANJA: You're really starting to piss me off.
JAYLYNN: How much do I sneak and squeak?
Anja punches Jaylynn in the arm.
JAYLYNN (CONT.): Damn, Lynne was right. You need to let go of that rage more often, you could end up killing someone.
SCENE 9
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Trevor reads off a paper while RK is on his laptop.
TREVOR: "And that's why I believe Pluto is the Milky Way's first transgender planet." What do you think?
RK: I think if you hand that in, you're getting a zero.
TREVOR: But your brother told me you're in remedial class. Do they have to pick you up and drop you off from school or is it your choice?
RK: Hey, buddy, do you mind looking at this?
TREVOR: Okay. What am I looking at?
RK: It's a replica of the living room. I need to see how many guests we can fit in here, come up with a layout of how everything is going to look on the big night.
TREVOR: You don't need these stupid blueprints. Just think small.
RK: Small?
TREVOR: Yeah. It's KG's birthday, so all you need is a couple friends, some banging-ass music, and a smoking section.
RK: A smoking section? It's a birthday party, not some club from the 1940s.
TREVOR: There are lots of kids that smoke weed, RK. Don't shame us because you're too young for it.
RK: You're too young for it!
TREVOR: The cops won't know that. Why, are you working with the cops? Are you wearing a wire?!
RK: F*** me.
SCENE 10
Fernando's Pizza
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
RK and KG are having lunch.
RK: KG, I know Trevor's your friend and all, but he's going to ruin this party. He barely gives me any ideas, and when he does, they're dumb as hell.
KG: Name them.
RK: He wants us to get this humongous birthday cake, and have two porn stars of your choice pop out of it. Buck naked.
KG: What? That's ridiculous.
RK: I'm saying, though!
KG: Those cakes are meant for strippers, not porn stars.
RK: KG, I'm having legitimate problems here!
KG: Look, I hear what you're saying, but this is the most important birthday I'm ever going to have. It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to up the ante.
RK: It's a Sweet 16, not Project X. I can't have the police threatening to arrest us again.
KG: Keyword, they threatened us. They knew they had no charges against us.
RK: Well, I'm finishing up a presentation for your approval. Maybe Trevor can help with that.
KG: There you go, embrace the beauty of male bonding.
RK: Wait, what are those by your hand?
KG: Nothing, it's just gum.
RK: The hell kinda gum is that?
KG: Gum that looks like condoms. Condoms that Mr. Ansolabehere's friend gave to me as a birthday gift. And maybe Mr. Ansolabehere's friend gave them to me because he thought I could motivate Denise into having sex.
RK: What?
KG: I don't know, don't be surprised if he ends up on the news one day.
SCENE 11
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Buster drinks a bottle of water, then starts to drink from the water fountain. He repeats this act, then Jaylynn walks up to him in confusion.
JAYLYNN: Buster, what the hell are you doing?
Buster's shock from hearing Jaylynn causes him to get water on his shirt.
BUSTER: I read online that if you drink from a water bottle and the fountain at the same time, it boosts your stamina, which will make you better at exercising.
JAYLYNN: I thought RK told you to stop reading The Onion.
BUSTER: It wasn't The Onion, it was an article called "Exercise for Ding Dongs." So, now, who looks like they know nothing?
JAYLYNN: Look, dude, you don't need to do this. It's just some stupid fitness test.
BUSTER: No, it's not. This test is going to follow us for the rest of our lives. I need to do well if I'm going to get into a good high school.
JAYLYNN: What kind of high school gives a shit about this?
BUSTER: Real schools, Jaylynn. I'm not talking about Degrassi or All American, this is serious.
JAYLYNN: Buster, listen to me. I found a way that we can look good with the test, and do the bare minimum.
BUSTER: You have my interest, my Dominican friend.
JAYLYNN: Well, Anja gave me some intel. She taught me all about the sneak and squeak.
BUSTER: The sneak and squeak? Jaylynn, why does this sound like a sex thing?
JAYLYNN: It's not a sex thing! It's a way for us to do just enough so we look healthy. Run a couple laps, do the least amount of push-ups, sit and reach as little as you can. We're sneaking by and squeaking past the standards of Washington state.
BUSTER: So, we're just trying to look like we're fit. We don't actually need to get fit.
JAYLYNN: Hell no. We just need to show up, hit the minimum in each category, and get out.
BUSTER: Wow. Does everyone know about this?
JAYLYNN: Doubt it. You see kids every year kill themselves on the PACER for what? Because they want the most laps? Nobody's going to care who wins after lunch.
BUSTER: My whole life has been a lie. Alright, Jaylynn, let's do this. Let's be as average as we can possibly be.
JAYLYNN: Damn right.
Buster and Jaylynn high-five.
JAYLYNN (CONT.): Just one thing. We can't tell Sparky or RK what we're doing.
BUSTER: Why? We're sitting on a goldmine here.
JAYLYNN: You know Sparky's just going to hate the fact that we're not trying, then RK will probably say "Yeah, what is this, some episode of some 80s sitcom nobody remembers?" or some dumb shit like that.
BUSTER: You do a great RK.
JAYLYNN: Thank you, but he only has, like, three basic moves.
SCENE 12
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
KG walks into the house and everything is pitch black.
KG: RK, are you home? You told me to come straight from work for the presentation.
Beat.
KG (CONT.): If you're here, then what did I tell you about not turning on the lights when it's dark outside? RK?!
("Ain't 2 Proud 2 Beg" by TLC starts playing in the background)
KG (CONT.): Lord, please don't tell me I'm being abducted. Not today.
As the instrumental for "Ain't 2 Proud 2 Beg" kicks in, the lights turn on and RK and Trevor come into the room dancing and wearing clothes that resemble 1992-era TLC. KG looks disturbed.
KG (CONT.): Why?
RK: KG Jennings, welcome to the greatest Sweet 16 ever made!
TREVOR: Courtesy of your best man and the man standing next to the best man.
RK and Trevor put KG in a swivel desk chair and roll him towards a corner of the living room labeled "Music Box."
RK: Over here, we have a station where the DJ will be playing all the hits. 80s R&B, 2000s pop punk, Afrobeat. It's all going to be included, player.
KG then gets rolled over to a wooden table labeled "The Snack Shack."
TREVOR: And you know how some kids get the munchies? All the time? This is the table where you have all the desserts and the chips and the dips and the...the crackers and...you get it, right? You're a cracker eating a cracker.
KG: What the f***, bro?
SCENE 13
The Jennings Household
Interior Dining Room
Seattle, Washington
("Ain't 2 Proud 2 Beg" continues playing in the background)
Finally, KG is rolled into the dining room, with the big table labeled "Three Layers High and Rising...Maybe."
RK: And right here, player, player, is where the birthday cake resides. It's going to have not one, not two, not three, not four, not five...but three layers.
TREVOR: RK told me about the condoms, bud. Remember what I said about the PB&J, it'll have Denise screaming.
KG: Alright, turn the damn music off.
RK turns off the music from the portable speaker.
RK: Bro, you're kinda ruining the presentation.
KG: This presentation sucks. First of all, are you both high?
RK: I'm high off adrenaline. He's the one that's higher than Snoop Dogg on Neptune.
TREVOR: I smoked a joint or two just to take the edge off. I get the stage frights.
KG: You always need to take the edge off. And anyway, what's the point of all this? Birthday cake, snacks, a DJ? This is my Sweet 16? A kiddie party with pizza and ice cream?!
TREVOR: We didn't say anything about pizza and ice cream, old man. He's probably high, too.
RK: KG, why are you breaking our balls? We got along, we put together a layout, what gives?
KG: What gives is that this is my celebration of manhood, my coronation. And like that one girl on TikTok says, "It's not giving the vibes that you understand the assignment. Periodt."
Beat.
KG (CONT.): What I just said might sound gross to you, but it makes sense.
TREVOR: RK, I think he's mad because he's too stupid to plan a party. You need geniuses, scholars. How old are you anyway, 15?
KG: Yes. And as of right now, neither of you are planning my party. You're both fired.
RK: What? You can't fire me, I'm the executive producer!
TREVOR: And I'm the man standing next to the best man!
KG: Nobody cares. Rodney was right, you can't have boys do a man's job. Now, clean this shit up and put the living room back together.
KG shakes his head as he leaves the dining room and heads upstairs.
RK: I can't believe that bastard.
TREVOR: I know. Who doesn't want to eat pizza and ice cream on their birthday?
The instrumental to "Let It Roll" plays in the background as RK gives Trevor a bored look.
SCENE 14
George Meyer High School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
KG talks to Rodney and Denise at lunch.
KG: I don't think I did anything wrong. I'm turning 16. It's time for me to start thinking like an adult. What were they thinking next, clowns? Pin the tail on the donkey? A ball pit that hasn't been cleaned since Obama was president?
DENISE: You know, when I was younger, one of my friends had a birthday party and we played pin the tail on the clown. I don't think we should have done that with a person.
KG: Are you even listening?
DENISE: Yes. You said something that reminded me of my childhood. It doesn't always have to be about you.
RODNEY: You did the right thing, KG. RK and Trevor planning your party? It's like eating a peanut butter and marinara sandwich.
KG: Ewww. But I'm glad you get it. Maybe you would be interested in being my party planner?
RODNEY: Of course. And don't worry, no kid stuff. It's going to be grown-up and mature.
KG: I love it.
DENISE: Here comes Trevor.
Trevor walks up to the table with his lunch tray.
TREVOR: Afternoon, everybody. Kevin. Denise. Rodlingson.
RODNEY: Who calls me that?
TREVOR: That's not your full name? It should be, it sounds so upper-class.
KG: Listen, Trev, I know you were looking forward to planning my party with RK, but it's nothing personal. Just creative differences, that's all.
TREVOR: I understand just fine, Kevin. But I must say that I have decided not to attend. I have other engagements.
KG: What engagements?
TREVOR: More pressing, Mr. Kevin. As it appears, I shall no longer put myself in the position to go where I am not wanted.
DENISE: Will you stop talking like that?
TREVOR: God, Denise, I'm trying to sound proper! What's the matter with you?!
KG: Don't talk to her like that. This is all your fault. You and RK should have planned a better party.
TREVOR: And you should have taken the stick out of your ass crack! What happened to you, bro? Your parties were always fire. Now, all of a sudden, it's "I'm a man this," "I'm a man that," "Man man man." You're not a man. You're just a little boy pretending to be one.
KG: How about we put that to the test? Man on the rise against future president of the Weedhead Society!
TREVOR: All I have is a subscription, how dare you?!
KG and Trevor get up and walk towards each other.
DENISE: Hey, hey!
Denise gets between KG and Trevor.
DENISE (CONT.): Guys, guys. We're not fighting, we're settling. We've been friends for years. Don't let some birthday party get in the way of all that.
KG: It's my coronation, and if he doesn't want to be there for it, screw him.
TREVOR: Yeah, screw me. Screw me harder than you could imagine!
Trevor takes his tray and leaves the table.
RODNEY: Pause.
DENISE: KG, all Trevor's done is try to help you. I know turning 16 matters, but does it really make sense to be a dick to your friends?
KG: He's getting in the way. And if you want to defend him so badly, maybe you're getting in the way, too.
DENISE: You know what? I am. I really hope you're enjoying being a man.
Denise takes her tray and leaves as well.
RODNEY: It's going to work out, K. All we need to do is plan a grown and sexy birthday party, something crazy.
KG: Yeah, but how do we do it? I don't want us all crammed up inside my house like a bunch of losers.
RODNEY: Remember that nightclub that opened up this summer?
KG: Athena? Yeah, that club's the best, but you have to be 21 to get in.
RODNEY: All it takes are some fake I.D.'s. I know a guy that can get us a deal.
KG: I had no idea about your underworld ties, Roddy.
RODNEY: I don't like to talk about it much. But this is the birthday party you want, so I have to do what I can. What do you say?
Beat.
KG: We're partying at Athena.
KG and Rodney laugh as they shake hands.
SCENE 15
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Gymnasium
Seattle, Washington
RK times Sparky and Buster as they run laps, but Buster is noticeably more checked out of it than he was earlier in the episode.
RK: Okay, stop.
SPARKY: Results?
RK: Well, Sparko, you're killing it, but Buster, you disappoint me. Where's the hustle?
BUSTER: I'm sorry, man, I'm just...you know. And things.
RK: You know, and things?
BUSTER: Yeah, kinda, what?
SPARKY: Buster, you're not even making sentences. Come on, I thought you didn't want to break your record.
BUSTER: I won't break it. I'm going to make sure of that by doing something.
SPARKY: What are you gonna do?
BUSTER: Talk to Jaylynn because I'm scared you guys are trying to kill me?
Buster runs away from Sparky and RK.
RK: See, that's the hustle he was missing.
SPARKY: I think Buster's just having the yips.
RK: You mean, performance anxiety?
SPARKY: I know the medical term, RK. As long as we're talking about Buster, he told me what your brother did. That's messed up.
RK: Eh, I'm not going to sweat it this time. It's just Crazy KG coming back.
SPARKY: Crazy KG?
RK: Yeah, you remember. KG used to do all kinds of crazy shit just to prove a point. Then he would take it too far, realize he acted like a dick, and learn his lesson. This time, I see his moves before he can make them.
SPARKY: So, are you still going to the party?
RK: Of course. He didn't say I couldn't come. I need to see this train wreck in action.
Cut to Buster and Jaylynn near the bleachers.
BUSTER: I don't think I've mastered the sneak and squeak.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, I saw. You have to be careful, you don't want to look like you don't care.
BUSTER: I know, but it's tough. Besides, I still have to keep things a secret.
JAYLYNN: Please tell me you're not dropping hints.
BUSTER: No, never.
JAYLYNN: You're not heavily implying you're doing something and making it obvious?
BUSTER: Of course not.
JAYLYNN: And you're not just saying "no" to what I'm asking you because you're nervous?
Beat.
BUSTER: That's a trick question, isn't it?
JAYLYNN: Buster, I need you to be on point. We're partners in this, I don't want anybody catching on to us.
BUSTER: Jaylynn, for the last time, it's okay. It's just a joke.
JAYLYNN: What's a joke?
BUSTER: Okay, I'm pretty nervous. It's hereditary, my mom's side is swarming with it.
SCENE 16
Athena
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
KG and Rodney walk up to the club entrance in suits and product in their hair.
KG: Nice touch on the suits, Rod. We look like professionals. Grown, mature gentlemen.
KG pulls out a box of Juicy Juice from his jacket and Rodney slaps it out of his hand.
RODNEY: Don't bring that shit in the club.
KG: Look, I still need to get my daily serving!
A guy opens the narrow, rectangular peephole.
OWNER: What are you kids doing here? Looking for your parents?
RODNEY: We're not kids, sir. We're businessmen. We're trying to get a deal for the biggest party of the year.
OWNER: Oh, word? What party?
KG: My birthday party. It's a celebration of manhood and the finer things.
OWNER: How old are you?
KG: Twenty and three quarters. We're going to pay upfront, but we need to make sure the word gets out. Me and my buddy want promotion from all the street teams, Instagram advertising, the whole nine.
OWNER: Well, we do the best work here at Athena. $500 charge for private events.
Rodney pulls out an envelope and gives it to the owner as he opens the door. He looks through, nods, and shakes Rodney and KG's hands.
OWNER: We'll be in touch. But if this is going to be a real party, you better make sure no kids come in here. We don't need to be shut down.
KG: Didn't you just open a few months ago?
OWNER: Yes. Are you unaware that clubs are getting looked at with a microscope in their early days?
RODNEY: Don't mind him, he's just asking questions I told him not to ask. I told you not to ask that question.
OWNER: Like I said, we'll be in touch.
The owner closes the door.
KG: You never told me not to ask that question.
RODNEY: I didn't have to. This is one of the hottest clubs in the city and you're already making waves.
KG: Relax, man, we got it booked, didn't we? Now, all we have to do is let everyone know where to go.
KG takes the Juicy Juice off the ground and starts drinking it.
RODNEY: What are you doing?
KG: It's in a box, it's not like you stomped on it.
SCENE 17
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK talks to Wade on the phone. Intercut between RK and Wade.
RK: So, you really can't come over?
WADE: Not tonight, sorry. I'm studying with Kenny and some other classmates.
RK: Come on, Wade, you've been missing in action. When's the last time we watched TV or played ball or used your transformation chamber?
WADE: I never built a transformation chamber!
RK: Then I just gave you a fire idea. You build the chamber, then you-
Trevor and Denise walk in, which makes RK turn his head to look at them.
RK (CONT.): Sorry, I gotta go, Uber Eats is here.
WADE: What?
RK hangs up.
DENISE: Why did you lie?
RK: We're not that close, so I don't feel comfortable telling you my problems. My brother's not home, just so you know.
DENISE: We're not here for KG, we're here for you.
RK: But I didn't invite you over. Are you threatening me in my own house?
DENISE: What? No! Look, we're here because-
TREVOR: KG's acting like a punk-ass psycho and we wanna know what you know.
DENISE: Trevor, I was about to say that.
TREVOR: Yeah, after five minutes. You have to get there faster.
RK: Let me guess. KG shut you both out because he's trying to make his birthday great and you kept challenging him.
DENISE: Exactly.
RK: Yup, two more victims of Crazy KG.
TREVOR: Crazy KG? Your brother's turning into a serial killer?!
RK: No. KG's done a lot of irrational things in the past because he's trying to prove something. Even when he was turning 14, he acted like this. It'll go away once he gets hit with reality.
DENISE: Well, when is that happening? I don't like what turning 16 is doing to him.
RK: Just wait until the party. He'll make a fool of himself, realize he was out of line and go back to normal.
TREVOR: He can go back to normal whenever he wants. I'm not going to that party.
DENISE: Me either.
RK: That's not really the protest you think it is, but okay.
SCENE 18
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Locker Room
Seattle, Washington
The next day, the boys are getting changed for gym class.
RK: And then I lied about Uber Eats being there when it was just KG's friends.
BUSTER: You know, I haven't seen Wade much, either. You think he's avoiding us?
RK: Wouldn't put it past him. He can't be around simpletons when he's trying to move up in life.
SPARKY: You guys are exaggerating, Wade's just busy with his own school. We knew this was going to happen.
Will walks up to the guys.
WILL: Hey guys, you ready for the PACER? I'm going for the most laps I ever ran.
RK: Slow your roll, Barfield. You might be trying to break your record, but I'm trying to win the whole damn thing.
WILL: Yeah? What if you don't make it that far?
RK: What if you don't make it that far?
SPARKY: Guys, I love the energy, but let's save it for the actual test.
BUSTER: Sparky's right. Why do we fight so much? Why are we always trying to compete with the next man, eat their food, steal their girlfriends? You know what? Let's not do the PACER today. Let's just be kind to each other and live in a world of sunshine and rainbows where we can all celebrate being God's creation.
Beat.
RK: What the f*** are you talking about?
SCENE 19
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Gymnasium
Seattle, Washington
The kids are all talking at the starting line when Jaylynn walks up to Buster.
JAYLYNN: You ready for this?
BUSTER: No. I know I'm not going to do this. Either I only run a few laps or I get excited and tire myself out. I can't go for this dink and dunk shit.
JAYLYNN: Sneak and squeak.
BUSTER: Drinking and driving?
JAYLYNN: Look, Buster, you got this. We've been practicing for days now. If I could pull it off, anyone can.
BUSTER: Jaylynn, I'm in crisis mode and you pick now to start bragging about yourself?
Beat. Jaylynn rubs Buster's head.
JAYLYNN: You make a pretty blonde.
Jaylynn walks back to her seat while Buster stands there confused.
BUSTER: Did she just hit on me?!
Cut to Sparky and RK.
RK: I wonder what music they're playing for this year's test.
SPARKY: Some kids in the other class said that it's going to be early 2010s pop, but I don't trust them.
RK: How could you? They're from the other class.
SPARKY: I know.
("DJ Got Us Fallin' in Love" by Usher featuring Pitbull is heard playing briefly on the radio)
COACH ADAMS: Good volume.
Coach Adams turns off the radio.
SPARKY: Wow, the other class was right.
COACH ADAMS: Alright, boys, you know the drill. You're going to run 20 meters back and forth as much as you can. If you can't make it to the other side before the beep, you get a warning. If it happens twice, your test is over. When you decide you've had enough, you can end the test voluntarily. As you go on, the beeps are going to come faster and faster. We're going to do this for the whole period, so whoever's left running at the end will be considered as "having demonstrated mastery of the FitnessGram progressive aerobic cardiovascular endurance run," or the PACER for short.
BUSTER: Oh, for God's sake, will you just start the damn thing?!
Beat.
BUSTER (CONT.): I'm sorry, too much sugar this morning. PACER, woo-hoo!
COACH ADAMS: Okay? Remember, listen for the beeps. Let's do this.
("DJ Got Us Fallin' in Love" starts playing again and the first beep is heard, which makes the boys start running while the girls cheer on the bleachers)
All the boys run the first couple laps with no issues, but two of them end up bowing out after lap seven or eight. Cut to Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: Alright, Buster. Just a few more laps and you've got the sneak and squeak.
Cut back to the boys. Buster is keeping pace with Sparky, RK, and Will.
BUSTER: I can't believe this. I feel great, the girls are going crazy. I saved my record. I could do this forever. Wait a minute. I could do this forever. I could beat everybody. I could be the new PACER champion!
SCENE 20
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Nurse's Office
Seattle, Washington
Buster is laid up in the nurse's bed with a towel over his forehead while Sparky, RK, and Jaylynn look at him with concern. He opens his eyes.
SPARKY: Finally, he's coming to.
BUSTER: Hey guys. What's going on? Did I win?
RK: No, you passed out after thirty laps. Coach Adams is going to take everybody that was still running and have them finish after school.
BUSTER: And I'm going to be a part of that, right? After I get medically cleared?
RK: No. If you ran more laps, you were going to die. You understand?
SPARKY: Buster, why would you try and hurt yourself like that? The PACER's not a contest.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, you went way past the sneak and squeak.
RK: What do you know about the sneak and squeak?
JAYLYNN: What do you know about it?
RK: I know I've been doing it before it was invented. I just wanted to push myself this year.
BUSTER: See? That's it. I wanted to compete against you guys and prove that I'm the best, but I also wanted to do the bare minimum like Jaylynn taught me. I guess I forgot what was really important.
SPARKY: That you're healthy enough and everybody moves at their own pace?
BUSTER: No. I'm saying I forgot the lesson. We usually do this stuff at your place, no wonder I'm lost.
JAYLYNN: Honestly, I started this. I treated this way more seriously than I had to. Buster probably wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me.
RK: Hmmm. That's a good point, Jaylynn. You almost killed Buster.
JAYLYNN: Dude!
RK: I'm just piecing together what everyone's saying to create the lesson. What do you think, Sparko? What profound moral wisdom can you share with us?
Beat. Sparky sighs.
SPARKY: I'll take you home, Buster.
Sparky walks away.
JAYLYNN: So, this is "to be continued" or we're done here?
SCENE 21
Athena
Seattle, Washington
An exterior shot of Athena at night.
SCENE 22
Athena
Seattle, Washington
("Voodoo" by Nick Jonas plays over the club's loudspeakers)
Inside Athena, the party is jumping. There is a huge "Happy Birthday KG" banner, the club is smoky and bathed in red lighting, and the floor is getting trashed like nobody's business. Guys grind on girls in abundance, some are openly taking cocaine and/or heroin, and a mini-fight breaks out between two guys that have to be separated by club personnel. Rodney's eyes are widened as he realizes what the party has turned into.
RODNEY: I don't think a single person here is even in college.
Rodney's phone starts ringing. He picks up.
RODNEY (CONT.): Speak.
KG (V.O.): Speak? Don't talk to me like that, it's my birthday.
RODNEY: Look, K, I know I was trying to go all out for you, but this is crazy. I was in the bathroom, and these girls were doing lines off of their friend, and the friend was topless. No shirt, no bra, no nothing, just some white girl. You know, on top of the friend.
KG (V.O.): Why were you in the girls' bathroom?
RODNEY: It was the guys' bathroom! All I'm saying is, I know why Denise and Trevor decided not to come.
KG (V.O.): F*** them, they wouldn't have been allowed in anyway. I took them off the guest list.
RODNEY: You did? You wouldn't have wanted your girlfriend and your day one to be here?
KG (V.O.): Rodney, you sound soft right now. Don't get on the horn and start coming around talking about some shit I'm not even down with.
RODNEY: You called me!
KG (V.O.): And I'm regretting that choice. It's too late to be scared, man. You have the speech prepared?
RODNEY: KG, I really don't think this speech is a good idea.
KG (V.O.): Yo, buddy boy. Do you have...the speech...prepared?
Beat.
RODNEY: Yes. I wrote it just like you wanted.
KG (V.O.): Great. I'm going to make my grand entrance shortly. Prepare my royal subjects for the coronation of a lifetime.
RODNEY: Whatever. Let me know when you're here.
Rodney hangs up and looks bewildered by something.
RODNEY (CONT.): Hey, get off that cake!
SCENE 23
Athena
Seattle, Washington
Exterior shot of the club.
SCENE 24
Athena
Seattle, Washington
Later on, Rodney stands on stage.
RODNEY: "Guys, it's time for the main event. Now, there comes a time in every boy's life where he has to make a decision. He has to decide whether or not to step into his greatness, and take the world by the coin purse. Well, tonight, the decision has been made. The time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to move on to the next step in life. And the time has come to look in the mirror and say 'Hey, I'm here, I'm a man now. So, what's up? What you wanna do? Be a baller? Shot caller, brawler? Dipping in the Benz, avoiding TV spoilers?'"
Beat. The partygoers murmur amongst themselves with discomfort.
RODNEY (CONT.): I didn't come up with the words, guys, I just wrote them down. "Now, without any further ado, here's Mr. Maturity. The birthday boy, KG Jennings."
("Throne" by Sierra McClain and V. Bozeman plays over the club's loudspeakers)
Everyone turns their attention to the club entrance. The lights go out and the spotlight is on a throne containing KG, who is dressed similarly to Triple H from his WrestleMania 22 entrance. He has on the same pair of sunglasses and frosted tips in his hair that he did in his dream. A bunch of scantily-clad women grab the throne and carry it throughout the club with the spotlight on KG the whole time. The women place the throne on the stage. KG snaps his fingers, and an ashamed Rodney places a crown with the inscription "XVI" above KG's head. KG snaps his fingers again, and the music stops instantly.
KG: Athena...acknowledge me!
Beat. A person starts laughing, and pretty soon, everyone is. KG's bravado immediately disappears as his eyes widen and he realizes the truth. He looks around and the laughter becomes slower and distorted. He turns to Rodney and they share a look of disappointment. KG turns back to the laughing crowd and has nothing but a blank expression on his face.
SCENE 25
Athena
Seattle, Washington
KG sits on the stage still dressed in his birthday attire, looking despondent. As the club employees clean up the party, RK walks onto the stage and goes up to KG.
RK: So, I take it that Crazy KG had one hell of a night, huh?
KG: Yeah, really funny. Go ahead. Get your kicks out of making me feel like shit.
RK: Dude, you're a comedian. If you can't take this and use it as material for your next routine, we might as well give this country away to AI.
KG: This was more than just a birthday party. This was where my life was supposed to start.
RK: What are you talking about?
KG: Ever since I was a little kid, I dreamt about being the coolest guy in the room. People would turn their heads as I walked in, I would always have on the fresh gear, and everyone would clear tables just so I could sit with them. This party was my one chance to be that guy, and I blew it.
RK: Well, bro, let's think about it. Do you really think you're a man, or are you just trying to be?
KG: Huh?
RK: Dude, look at you. You alienated your friends, you invited a bunch of people you don't know, you're dressed like you're ready to tap out to John Cena. Is this really the manhood ritual you wanted?
KG: No. But I didn't want the same old party. I wanted to feel like I was moving up in the world.
RK: And that's great, but you're not there yet. Just because you're 16, doesn't mean you're ready to take over the universe. You have lots of time to do that. You just have to believe you do.
KG: I guess I was just trying to be a man. You're right, Trevor was right, Denise was right. I hurt everybody. I'm sorry I did this to you again, RK.
RK: It's okay. I know where your heart is. Question is, do your friends know?
KG contemplates RK's question.
SCENE 26
George Meyer High School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
KG walks up to Rodney, Trevor, and Denise a couple days later.
KG: Hey guys.
DENISE: Look, it's Mr. Maturity. You had fun at your little party?
TREVOR: Yeah, did you, you little man-child?!
RODNEY: Trevor, easy. You know what? Not this time, he deserves that.
KG: I deserve worse. Look, guys, I owe all of you an apology. I'm sorry for making my birthday all about me and treating you like shit. RK made me realize I was never a man, I was just pretending to be.
TREVOR: It's your birthday, man. It should be about you. I just thought you were being really mean about it.
KG: I know, and you more than anyone were just trying to help me have a great party.
Rodney clears his throat.
KG (CONT.): Yes, Rodney, you did everything you could, and it's not your fault it didn't work out.
Denise clears her throat.
KG (CONT.): Denise, you know I f***ed up trying to turn you against me.
DENISE: I just wanted to hear you say it. So, you want to celebrate your Sweet 16 next weekend?
KG: I already celebrated it. That's why we're having this talk.
TREVOR: Denise, you can't just take my weed without asking. It's imported!
DENISE: I'm not high, you idiot. I'm saying that since KG's first birthday party flopped, how about we have a real one next weekend? Just the four of us?
RODNEY: I'm down.
TREVOR: Me too.
DENISE: Okay, let's party!
KG: Guys, I appreciate the gesture, but I really don't want to celebrate my birthday anymore.
DENISE: Oh, well, if that's what you want–
KG: Nah, I'm just trolling. Let's do something crazy.
RODNEY: We could go snowboarding.
DENISE: We could take a trip cross-country.
TREVOR: Or maybe we could do some lines.
KG: Why the f*** would we do that?
TREVOR: Well, everybody at Athena was doing it, according to this girl's Instagram!
Trevor shows KG the Instagram pictures of people doing cocaine at the party. KG looks up and sees that Trevor is disgusted.
KG: Everybody brought their drugs from home.
Cut to black.
("Money Over Bullshit" by Nas plays over the end credits)
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