"I thought you weren't fucking church people."
"Tommy and I haven't been in a long time." Joel confirmed distractedly, his focus mostly on the pipes in front of him as he worked on fixing the kitchen sink that had been leaking for the last week. "Our Mama was Catholic and Dad was Jewish so we went to both Mass and Synagogue off and on growing up but neither really stuck for either of us."
"So then what's the fucking point?" Ellie grumbled back, swapping wrenches with Joel for the third time in as many minutes. "Mari can barely hold her own head up. Why are we having a whole damn church thing for her when she won't even remember any of it?"
"It's important to Maria." Joel replied evenly, more than used to Ellie's continuous questioning about things she didn't want to do. "Her Dad and her built that church together when Jackson was just first startin' out. She wants to keep those traditions in her family."
Ellie slumped back against the cabinet behind her in defeat and muttered, "Well it's a good thing I'm not fucking family."
Joel whipped around, his brow furrowed with concern as he tried to meet her eyes. "Hey, that's not–"
"Oh get over it, old man." Ellie shook her head dismissively. "We're definitely notherfamily. She hates our asses."
Joel bit down on his lip in an attempt to keep his smirk from showing. "We're doin' it for Tommy."
"You can go right ahead." Ellie held her hands up in surrender. "I owe that stupid ass cowboy nada."
"Unfortunately, you owethisstupid ass cowboy for gettin' you out of trouble with Maria and the council for sneaking out of school again last week." Joel stared her down until she shot up from the floor in a huff.
Ellie was halfway up the stairs when she yelled back, "I'm not fucking going!"
Joe rolled his eyes, calling back, "Yes, you are." as Ellie's door slammed shut behind her.
Her muffled retort came several minutes later, her angry pacing slowing above him before she shouted, "Good luck dragging me across town in a fucking dress or whatever your fucking plan is!"
As they always do on Friday nights Ellie and Joel go to Tommy and Maria's for dinner and by the end of it Ellie has somehow agreed to go to the christening.
Now that the day's arrived she wishes she'd just said no, but it's hard to feel like she can when Joel is always pushing her to be more involved with "family things" and Tommy and Maria made a point of trying to include her.
"And we'd like Ellie to be her godmother."
"What the fuck is that?" Ellie looked up at Tommy with her nose scrunched in disgust. "I don't wanna be involved in any church bullshit."
Tommy laughed as Joel watched Ellie bounce Mariana in her arms with a fond smile. "It's just a thing from before. I guess it probably started out pretty religious but it's basically just people that a baby's parents want to be important influences in their lives."
"Oh." Ellie processed his explanation for a moment, considering how easily Joel had agreed to be godfather moments before as a reasonably good sign that whatever this was wasn't too bad of a thing. "Yeah, okay."
Now as she stands in the Jackson chapel with her hair neatly braided back from her face and tied in a ribbon by Joel that matched the dress that Maria had brought her from the swap meet a few days ago, she's not sure if she's ever felt less like herself.
But Maria had lit up at the sight of her when she arrived and everyone there seemed to think she belonged with Joel, Tommy, and Maria, so she figured she could pretend she agreed with them until it was over.
She manages to keep herself from thinking about how much she didn't want to be there until an older man with graying red hair introduced himself to her as Pastor Peterson before taking Mariana from Maria's arms and leading the rest of her family away from her.
Joel doesn't notice she hasn't moved as he followed his brother up to the front of the chapel and she debates running away before he can realize she's gone until she sees Pastor Peterson place his hand gently on top of Mariana's head and she bolts to the front where she would have a chance to do something.
Should anything need to be done.
The christening passes without any need for intervention and when they got back to Tommy and Maria's house for the party afterwards Ellie made a beeline for the small office at the back of the first floor where she sat in the wooden desk chair in silence until Tommy found her nearly an hour later.
"Hey, little lady." He greeted her with a warm smile, a plate of food in his right hand as he closed the door behind him with his left. "Joel thought I might find you hidin' out in here."
Ellie managed a small smirk as she reached out to take the plate which she immediately placed on the desk next to her before staring back down at the floor once more.
Tommy watched her silently for a moment before pulling the chair from the other desk across the room to sit down in front of her. "Thanks for bein' here today, Ellie. I know you're not really into these kinds of things, but Mariana got pretty lucky gettin' a godmother as badass as you."
Lucky? No no… no such thing as luck. No, you see I believe that everything happens for a reason. I do. And I can prove it to you. Now, this winter has been especially cruel. A few weeks back, I ah... sent a group of men out - nearby town to look for food. Only a few came back. They said that the others had been, ah, slaughtered by a crazy man. And get this, he's a crazy man traveling with a little girl. You see? Everything happens for a reason.
When she tries to formulate a response Tommy's alarmed expression makes it clear that she'd been zoned out longer than she'd realized.
Tommy's brow is furrowed and his eyes are searching hers when he starts to stand. "I'm going to go get–"
"No!" Ellie reached out to grab his wrist, clenching down firmly on it to keep him from going anywhere.
Tommy seemed surprised, but didn't protest. "Alright. You know how to count?"
"The fuck?" Ellie stared back at him in confusion.
Tommy settled back down in the chair across from her and to her and held his hand closest to Ellie out in front of him, palm up. "Tell me five things you can see."
"Window… floor… duck… pen…uh… curtains…" Ellie lists through panicked gasps and with each item Tommy pulls a finger in until he's making a loose fist.
Tommy nodded encouragingly. "Now four things you can touch."
"I… the floor…the wall…this stupid fucking dress." Ellie paused for a moment before reaching out to touch the hand in front of her. "You."
"Good." Tommy nodded again with a soft smile. "Three things you hear."
Ellie's voice was more certain now, her list becoming more specific. "Mariana crying… the tea kettle… Joel."
"Two things you can smell." Tommy continued patiently.
"I don't know…" Ellie sighed, thinking for a moment before adding, "That soap Maria makes?"
"Yeah." Tommy agreed. "That's right."
"The horse shit on your boots." Ellie added with a smirk. "Can't believe Maria lets you leave them like that."
Tommy smiles and resists giving her a nudge in protest before adding, "Somethin' you can taste."
Ellie's not sure how to answer until the tears on her face run into her mouth prompting a quiet admission of, "Salt."
Tommy pulled his fingers into a fist for a final time before scooting his chair forward so he was directly in front of Ellie. "You with me, darlin'?"
Ellie nodded, staring down at the floor in an attempt to avoid Tommy's gaze.
"Don't gotta be embarrassed. I've been there." Tommy assured her firmly. "Are you sure you don't want me to get Joel?"
Ellie nodded once more. "Iwantto get out of these stupid ass clothes."
Tommy let out a light chuckle. "With you there, kid." He easily agreed. "Given that this is my kid's thing I can't really get outta here, but if you wanted to slip out the back door I don't think anyone'd care."
Ellie's eyes widened in surprise at the suggestion and she leaned forward to look through the cracked open door at the party before turning back to him and asking, "Maria won't be mad?"
"She ain't gonna notice." Tommy dismissed easily. "Now get."
Tommy was right that she'd be able to easily sneak out the back door and the moment she reached the street she broke out into a sprint towards home. The front door hadn't fully closed behind her when Ellie grabbed onto the side of her collar and pulled.
Hard.
The zipper holding the dress together in the back easily acquiesced to her movements and within moments she was standing in the middle of the living room in her sports bra and boxers with the dress pooled around her boots.
She held her hand out in front of her and tried to remember the steps Tommy had used to calm her down across the street, but her inability to figure them out only increased her anxiety and she found herself sprawled out on the rug in tears as she fought through yet another panic attack.
When she comes to she nearly spirals into another panic at the sight of the torn blue dress lying behind her on the floor. She's not supposed to be wasteful, Jackson doesn't work if they are, and she's not eager to find out what will happen if Joel – or godforbid Maria – found out what she'd done.
After a moment of brainstorming she scoops up the dress and runs out the back door to tuck it into the soiled rag barrel next to Joel's shed in the hopes that no one would find it before taking a shower and settling down on the couch with a newSavage Starlightthat Joel had brought home with him from patrol earlier that week.
"Can't believe you abandoned me over there." Joel complained as he untied his shoes at the front door.
Ellie stuck her middle finger out in response but didn't look up from the comic in her lap, uncertain that she could keep Joel from noticing how off she was if she'd actually replied.
"You stole my best sweatshirt too? Little shit." Joel chastised playfully as he flopped down next to her on the sofa.
Ellie jolted back in a panic when Joel's hand landed next to her thigh and when she looked up to meet Joel's concerned gaze.
"Hey, I was kidding." He explained cautiously. "You okay?"
Ellie forced out a laugh as she stuck out her middle finger once more "Just think it's funny you think this is yours since I'm the only one who ever fucking wears it."
Somehow he seems to buy it, and he moved to turn on the television which autoplays the Star Trek DVD they'd put in last night and fills the silence for the rest of the night until they'd both fallen asleep on the couch leaving everything else about the day unsaid.
