Fuse

Standing on top of a hill looking over Garbanag's village, Dumpster, I felt a bit of giddiness in my chest at being able to beat the hell of a British guy.

I may not be the most devout person in the world, but if this goes the way I want it to go, I may soon be the most devout person in the world.

You have received a new fortune cookie!

Perfect timing! Tell me of my upcoming success!

'Everlasting eternal glory to our almighty CEO and his perpetual benevolence! To the continuous prosperity and fraternity of Fair and Balanced Incorporated! Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah!'

I stared at the fortune I got, trying to make heads or tails of it and… Well, to be quite frankly honest, I have no clue who the heck these people are. And the CEO of Fair and Balanced Incorporated sure as hell won't be me, because that's a goofy ass nickname.

Well, good for Fair and Balanced Incorporated, I suppose.

Anyways, back to the matter at hand, I'm so ready to trash this place!

Romeo could practically feel the grin hidden beneath my mask, and so he asked, "Ah… You're not about to break your word on not fighting Garbanag, are you?"

My answer did not alleviate his worries at all, "We'll see."


Walking into the village, I look around the people casually going about their day and find some absolutely wild stuff.

The architecture doesn't feel like it should work, but somehow all of the shoe box houses are somehow standing. And I guess I should give some props to Garbanag because he was decent enough to give them stairs to use.

Also, all of these houses are made out of wood. I could potentially just light a fire and burn half the place down if I wanted to, but there is a small issue with that…

Why the hell are there waifuified bosses walking around here?

I nearly had to do a spit take when I realized that the girl with massive eyes was literally the actual Eye of Cthulhu, but just… A cute girl.

Honestly, I don't know if I hate it or not.

Looking around even more, I spotted the girl version of the Desert Scourge, and to be honest with you, I did not want to find out if the Desert Scourge remembers me beating the shit out of her.

Unfortunately, her eyes moved faster than my legs, and she spotted me basically seconds after I saw her.

Instantly, she yelled out, "You!"

God damn it, why am I in this situation?

The Desert Scourge angrily marched up to me and straight up just asked, "You're the one who killed me, weren't you?!"

And now everyone was starting to come outside of their homes to find out what the commotion was, and I elected to ignore the Desert Scourge to see if I could find Garbanag coming out from one of these houses.

The Desert Scourge was angrily shouting at me, but I was too busy just checking out everyone to see if I could find a bird named Garbanag.

And unfortunately, I did not find him, so I turned back to the Desert Scourge and asked, "Hey, do you know where Garbanag is?"

"YOU WEREN'T EVEN LISTENING TO ME?!" Desert Scourge incredulously shouted, "THAT'S SO RUDE!"

I sighed and repeated my question, "Do you?"

I really don't care about any of these people. Romeo is chill because he's definitely a good American capitalist, but nobody else here has yet to gain any worth in my eyes.
Desert Scourge angrily pouted, "Well no but-"

"Then I don't really care," I dismissed her and just started to walk towards the biggest house, guessing that it was Garbanag's.

"DON'T IGNORE ME!" Desert Scourge shouted out as she started to trail behind me, "AND DON'T ENTER GARBANAG'S HOUSE!"

Man, how convenient is it that I'm just so right?

I chuckled as I reached out to open the front door.

"Oy, who the hell are you?" A most distinct British accent sounded out from behind me.

Turning around, I found exactly who I expected to find.

Garbanag

Status: Healthy

Stamina: Healthy

Mana: Full

Race: Birdman

Title: Vessel of Destruction

Classes: Archer, Plague Doctor, Demolitionist

Professions: Alchemy, Blacksmith

Overall Ranking: B [Expand]

Abilities: [Expand]

Garbanag was a pretty generic looking bird-human monster. Brownish feathers with some red highlights. Black eyes, yellow beaks, white talons…

And wearing basically nothing except a pair of pants, but if I had to guess, he has armor, but he has some sort of vanity thing that allows him to hide those.

"Hey, Garbanag," I waved, walking a bit closer to him, "Before we start, I just wanted to know; What's your opinion on America?"

"Huh?" Garbanag raised an eyebrow as the word 'America' entered his head and produced an immediate response, "That shithole?"

This piece of shit is fucking dying.

Of fucking course a Brit wouldn't understand the glory of America. He's probably still bitter about 1776! What else could I have expected out of a British bitch?

"Thanks, man," I sincerely said, confusing the hell out of him, "Now, I don't have to have any reservation about killing you."

"Huh-?" Garbanag barely managed to get out before I saluted.

"Domain Expansion…"

The surrounding area is quickly encapsulated by the sphere that was becoming my domain, the sound of gunfire, trumpets, and of cogs spinning fills the area as the sphere was completed and we were in Washington D.C.

"Revolutionary Battlefield!" I finished as I immediately pulled out Washington & Lincoln.

Garbanag quickly pulled out his bow from his inventory, some sort of custom built by the looks of it, but by the time he had even conjured an arrow, I had already shot once, and the effect of my domain followed.

As a bullet hit him, he stumbled and then he started flashing, and then suddenly all of the other bullets, despite hitting him, didn't affect Garbanag at all.

Invincibility frames? Piece of shit.

He's still going to die here though, since he's in my domain…

During his invincibility, he pointed his bow towards the sky, nocking an arrow and preparing to fire.

What the hell is he trying to-

The force of the arrow being fired made a shockwave that made me hesitate for just a moment as the burning red disaster struck the sky.

In a massive explosion, my domain shatters as all I could do was gape as Washington D.C crumbled around us, with Garbanag's village coming back into view.

Garbanag chuckled, "I'll be honest, that was pretty scary for just a moment there."

His citizens began to fuss over him, and were preparing themselves for battle in case I tried to do anything.

Garbanag jabbed his thumb towards a direction, "My attacks are pretty destructive, if you want to keep going, why don't we go outside of my town here?"

…I may have underestimated the redcoat.

Looking around at the townsfolk, it looks like though they're all pretty weak in general, I would still have some difficulty in putting them down if they ended up jumping me right now.

Not to mention, all of these… Boss citizens, they might just turn into the actual bosses, and that'll really be a problem for me.

I really do live in the worst timeline.

"For a Brit, you're not that weak," I reluctantly complimented, "Sure, I'll concede this match to you."

Garbanag laughed in my face, "Concede?! Mate, I don't know if you noticed or not, but I just totally ignored your domain expansion!"

My right eye twitched, though he couldn't see it.

Arrogant piece of shit, I hope he chokes on something and dies.

I bitterly opened up my menu to try and open a portal back to Dori's place so I could leave this unfavorable situation.

The portal opened up behind me, Garbanag's eyes widened as he tried to nock an arrow to stop me from leaving, but Washington knocked the bow out of his hand as I fell through the portal.

"See ya later!" I shouted as the portal closed behind me and I was back to falling within the void.

After a few seconds of falling, I landed on Dori's couch.

Dori blankly stared at me, her mouth open and about to take a spoonful of soup.

"Hey," I started to say, "So, I may have overestimated my enemy, so I ended up having to back out of that whole situation."

She calmly closed her mouth and put the spoon back into the bowl.

Then, she simply asked, "How?"

"Eh, I walked into their base and Garbanag, that's his name by the way, managed to break through the walls of my domain expansion just by shooting up with his bow and arrow." I answered, looking around the room, "Hey, do you know where the others are?"

Dori blinked, "You walked into their base?"

I nodded, "Yeah, I found another merchant named Romeo, you'll love him when I eventually bring him here, and he lead me to Dumpster-"

"Dumpster?" Dori interrupted, a look of disbelief on her face.

I nodded, "-Yeah, Dumpster, the name of Garbanag's village."

"Who would name their child Garbanag?" Dori asked, her voice sounding as if she didn't believe it.

I shrugged in response, "I have no idea. Anyways, the point is, I tried to fight him. I realized I needed to become a bit stronger, and then I just made a portal back here to escape that situation."

Dori took in all of the information as she thought about what to say, then she eventually settled on, "Well, good to see that you're still alive, at least."

I chuckled at the non-response. To be fair, I wouldn't know how to respond to me either.

Then, Dori asked, "Well, are you going to win the next time you see that guy?"

I nodded, "Yeah, of course. He's British, and I'm an American. This debate was settled a while ago."

Garbanag may have surprised me this time, but he's definitely not winning the second time.

"So, uh, are you staying for a bit or are you going straight back?" Dori questioned.

I hummed, "If I can decide where my portal ends up, I'll go straight back. Otherwise I'll probably wait until I can safely get out of that situation."

Dori nodded and didn't say anything, so I took that as permission to create a new portal to Garbanag's world.


Dumpster

Garbanag

After a good 20 minutes of waiting, Fuse still wasn't back, so he had to guess that his teleportation doesn't force him to come back here, or that he's pussied out for like another hour.

And to be honest, he doesn't care that much to find out if Fuse will come back.

Welp, Fuse will probably be a pain in the ass to deal with in the coming days, considering that Fuse looked like a gamer.

Though, why the hell is he coming after him? He didn't explain anything. Fuse just asked if he was American, and after he responded, Fuse just straight up attacked him.

It took him a few moments to realize why he did that.

He must be pretty upset that he wasn't born British, huh?

Well, anyhow, he's pretty close to attaining godhood now that he's in hard mode. All he needs is to kill the three mechanical bosses and he can start crafting that potion that'll supposedly turn him into a low level deity.

Thank god for that one gacha token, obviously.

Well, anyhow, he's sort of interested in finding out if his [Early Spawn] perk works on life fruits and that they'll be available now instead of after a mech boss…


Oh hey plague chargers spawn in the jungle now. That's weird. He thought it was supposed to be after golem, but he guesses that's the thing that decided to spawn early.

Blasting through one of the robots with his arrows, he checks the potency level of the poison it dropped.

It was hard smiling with a beak, but if he could, he would be grinning from cheek to cheek.

This was a very good upgrade to his previous poisons. Far better than what the life fruits would've done for him.

He almost pities the person that's going to be on the receiving end of this.


Fuse

"Hey, I thought you told me to only come here once a month?" I asked the crack in the wall of the universe, irritated at being forced to take a detour, "And how did you drag me here anyhow?"

I quickly figured out it was Skryb who was on the other side because he took the moment to sinisterly chuckle before speaking, "Haha, yes, but then I found out that I can forcibly take you while you're traveling through worlds, so now there is no need to coordinate such matters."

I raised an eyebrow, "Uh-huh. So, who's the next guy?"

"I'm dragging him here right now," Skryb answered as I suddenly felt his presence dim and be replaced by something else.

A new voice comes through the crack, some sort of dude that sounds like he has some sort of water filter on his head, "Heeey! You there?"

I sighed, did Skryb's friends have no manners? "Yeah, I'm Fuse, and you are?"

He chuckled, "My name is Doviro! Others call me Glump (Evil) though, so do refer to whatever you want!"

Skryb, Zavvox, and now Doviro? What the hell is the naming scheme on the other side of this wall?

Well, there is a guy named Garbanag on this side, so maybe I can't fault them that much… But still, what the hell? Are players all just stupid or something?

"Well, alright, Doviro… So, what power are you going to give me?" I asked.

Doviro chuckled, "Whaaat? C'mon, we gotta have a conversation first! What are all of the viewers at home going to say if you don't even want to talk?"

I loudly groaned, this feels like being forced to talk to my weird uncle during the holidays, "Ugh, fine, what do you want to talk about?"

"Let's talk about… Hm, your beliefs!" Doviro answered, "Personally, mine is to get as much attention as possible."

I waited for him to continue, but he didn't end up saying anything after that, so I just had to know, "Is that seriously it?"

Doviro hummed in affirmation, "Mhm, yep! I'm an attention whore. I was also an edgy bastard back in the day, but I've gotten over it."

Ugh, could this guy get any worse? He's the exact type of person I hate. Someone with so little integrity trying to reach for a meaningless and self-serving goal.

I scowled as I decided to voice my disdain, "You're the exact type of person I hate. Do you really not have anything else you would sacrifice yourself for?"

"Eh… Nah, not really." Doviro promptly replied, "Do you?"

I answered with no hesitation, "The United States of America."

Doviro chuckled, "A real American nationalist! On camera! Oh, this is great! Talk about it some more!"

Tch, this stupid bitch is mocking me.

"America was founded on the ideals of freedom and liberty, and the idea that no matter who you were, you can come to America and make a living," I explained, "Millions of Americans from across the globe made America what it is today. Is that not a country worth your loyalty?"

Doviro hummed with disagreement, "Eh, nah, I only love myself,"

I sighed, maybe it was too much to expect someone like Doviro to have pride in anything other than himself. Narcissist.

"I'm not taking a power from you," I declared.

"What?! How can you just say that?!" Doviro exploded, furious about my declaration, "You're just going to give up free power?!"
I blandly responded, "You're no American. You're filth."

"Actually standing up for your ideals? Blegh," Doviro said in disgust, "I can't fathom people like you."

I told them, "If you have nothing for me, I'm just going to leave."

Doviro irritatingly groaned, "Ugh, fine, fine, I'll concede to you that America has some good things in it. Now will you take my power?"

"Some good things?"

"All the best things."

I nodded, feeling satisfied at making the narcissist yield on the topic, "Good. Now give me your power."

The hole in the wall started glowing gray, as Doviro says one last thing, "Then show the world your strength!"

[Doviro's blessing – The most important part is the presentation! - Gain the skill [Eyes on me!] While active, you will capture the attention of anyone who has the opportunity to look at you.]

Ah…

What an average ability. Maybe if I had to make a speech, I could use it, but oh well.

Now that I think of it, I'm 0-3 for these abilities… But at least they're free abilities.

Describing the ability Doviro gave me, he just laughed, "Haha! Make a good speech out of that one, alright?"

I half-heartedly shrugged, knowing fully well I wasn't, "Yeah, okay. Is that all?"

There was no response.

I sighed as I turned back to create another portal.

Stupid freaking morons.


AN:

Flipping a coin in deciding how many times Fuse has to fight Garbanag before beating him.

Also, someone informed me that plague chargers don't spawn until after golem, so I made the thing up with early spawns perk.

I just took my maxed out calamity character and looked around the jungle and said yeah I want that.

(Poor Fuse thought he was Him lol.)

(Do you think I'll ever get any comments on Ao3 like I do on FFN? Like, I think the people talking politics in the reviews section on FFN is hilarious, but it just doesn't happen on Ao3.)