You know that moment when you think you've resolved your past, but then you're triggered and realize you haven't fully or somehow missed a spot? That's where this multi-chaptered story begins. To stave off any disappointment, I do apologize that in this first chapter, Nathan and Elizabeth will not quite be on their first unchaperoned date … yet. When I started writing their date, I was surprised at what seemed to burst to the surface first. So what happens in this first chapter, "The Letter," had to be addressed. My ideas started on a lengthy road trip, so consequently, this will be a longer than average story. I had time to kill! It's best read in one sitting, though, so plan accordingly if you can.
The Unchaperoned Date
The Letter
Robert poked his head into the Mountie Office, "Hello Constable Grant, Mr. Avery. There's a letter for you, Constable Grant," he announced in his typical cheery voice. Nathan looked up from his desk to see Robert standing just inside the door frame with his hand stretched out, a letter in his hand.
This Mountie father couldn't help but feel proud of the teen standing before him. Robert was only a couple of years older than Allie. Nathan had watched him grow from a somewhat gangly eleven year old to a grounded, resourceful, hard working young man. Since graduating from school, Robert could be found in town anywhere there was work - from mail delivery to the ice cream shop and even at Mei's salon.
Nathan smiled as he took the letter and replied, "Thank you, Robert." He couldn't help adding a compliment, "You are very thorough in everything you do. That's a great Mountie trait. You know, Bill and I would be happy to have you join us. I know that's something you've thought about."
Robert's eyes grew big and his contagious smile filled his face, "Thanks Constable Grant. I remember feeling terrified when you took down that man escaping during his transfer. That scared me off for quite a while. But like you said then, you weren't ready at that age either."
Bill piped in, "That's very true. Being a Mountie is a choice you grow into, Robert. Now that you're a little older, maybe it would be helpful to join us for a month to see if it still interests you. Between Nathan and me, you can see the range of what a Mountie might do over his career."
Robert was clearly excited. "Wow! Really? Thanks Mr. Avery. Thanks Constable Grant. I mean, delivering the mail is noble and needed and all, but it's feeling like the right time to think more about my future."
"Well, you think about it and let us know," said Nathan. "You're a real strength to this town, Robert."
The curly-haired young man acknowledged the compliment with an appreciative nod and said, "I'd best be off. The mail won't deliver itself." At that, Robert left behind the delivered letter and closed the door.
Nathan returned his attention to the envelope, forgetting that he and Bill had previously been discussing new security plans for when their Governor was in town,. Nathan was surprised to see the envelope blank. Turning it over, and seeing no name or address, he wondered how Robert knew it was for him.
He inserted his index finger underneath the sealed edge and pulled across to open it. As Nathan unfolded the first crease of the mysterious letter, a slight gasp escaped his lips as he read the first line …
Dear Nathan,
His heart started pounding, recognizing Elizabeth's penmanship. Why would she have Robert deliver a letter, especially one entirely unmarked? His thoughts swirled. Checking the time, it was 3pm, though the time didn't particularly matter yet, he supposed. School didn't start for another week. If Elizabeth needed to get in touch with him, he wasn't hard to find, he reasoned, here at the jail. A phone call. An office visit. What would she need to say in a letter? He tried to recall their last conversation. It was a little emotional, he remembered now, what with Hargraeves' news about Jack.
Slumping back against his chair, Nathan felt his breathing quicken. Was she having doubts? Their past struggles trickled into his thoughts. Maybe all the talk about Jack had been triggering. His serge buttons suddenly felt tight against his chest and neck. He scooted the letter to the back of his desk, as if trying to wish it away.
As incredible as his time had been with Elizabeth the past week, he couldn't help but think she might be worried again about his being a Mountie. That had certainly been a concern in the past, considering Jack's death. Reaching up to release the top two buttons of his serge, Nathan realized for the first time what a difficult task it was with shaky hands. Although loosening his uniform helped a little, he could do nothing for the tension building in his heart.
What he'd feared the most with Elizabeth was becoming a painful reminder of Jack. He'd silently braced for that possibility when they'd become a couple. There was no sidestepping the brutal truth that Elizabeth's husband died in a training mission he was supposed to lead. Nathan squeezed his eyes shut as a few fearful tears began to form. Why had he thought this time would be any different than the past? How as a Mountie had he so blindly trusted?
Within his questioning, the truth smothered his recently hopeful heart - Elizabeth had already rejected him in person twice. He rationally reasoned that she'd be unlikely to add a third time in person to the list, especially here in the jail again. His stomach tightened in knots, hating how logical his explanation seemed to be. A letter could make sense, he resolved, and at this point, he conceded, might seem less hurtful.
Staring down at the letter, Nathan told himself, "You can do this Nathan," The stoic Mountie was taking over in his mind. "You've done this before." But the man under the serge felt every heartbeat propelling a familiar ache throughout his body. He closed his eyes and tried to steady his breath.
Entirely caught up in his own emotions, Nathan hadn't realized Bill's eyes had shifted to him after his audible gasp. Bill now watched Nathan work to regulate his breathing. His eyes were shut. Slowly Nathan's chest rose as he filled his lungs, inhaling quietly through his nose. After a slight pause, he steadily released the intake of air through slightly parted lips. Bill noted that Nathan continued this pattern for several cycles. To anyone else, Nathan would have appeared his usual cool-headed, calm self, just taking a moment of rest from his duties. But Nathan's clenched fists resting on the desk told Bill otherwise.
Bill couldn't imagine what had brought this on. The letter was his best guess, but it was only partially opened. Still, Bill had only ever seen Nathan this rattled when Elizabeth was held hostage … Uh, oh, Bill thought, with sudden dread. Elizabeth. His eyes squinted trying to decipher what few words of the letter might be visible. Please God, no, he pleaded.
Bill felt like his entire chest wall was caving inward. He knew Elizabeth and Nathan were the ones who had weathered the emotions of the last number of years, but in loving them both so dearly, he felt he might have had it worse in getting nailed with a double dose. In absolute desperation, he wondered in his mind, why is it still so complicated for these two? Bill thought about intervening when he saw Nathan's head dip down, eyes still closed, chin to his chest. But something told him to wait.
Just then, Nathan's head snapped up. He reached out, unfolded the rest of the letter with renewed purpose, and began reading.
As Nathan braced for the worst, he started again with the first line of Elizabeth's letter.
My dear Nathan,
Even though we've only been an official couple for just a few days, I can't help but feel this is where our hearts have always been. Still, I know we missed time together while I found my way after Jack's death. So, I don't want to miss any more moments. Every second with you is golden.
Nathan's eyes abruptly stopped. For a moment he sat frozen as his mind processed an entirely new purpose for this letter. In context now, having seen more of the letter, he realized in his first reading he'd entirely skipped right over a small but critical word, "My." A greeting of "Dear Nathan," might signify any sort of letter, but "My dear Nathan" certainly pointed toward one with a loving tone rather than one of rejection.
He lightly shook his head in disbelief and rolled his eyes to the ceiling. Silently, Nathan thanked God and released a sigh weighted with far too much history. His left thumb brushed across Elizabeth's greeting. "My dear Nathan." In his mind, he could hear her voice saying those very words. His lips curved to a smile. Nothing's changed, he realized, with immeasurable relief. Now Nathan eagerly continued on,
Since you indulged my son so sweetly by turning our attempted date into a family picnic, I asked Rosemary to look after Allie and Little Jack tomorrow so we can finally take that horse ride we've planned far too many times to count. We'll hope this one sticks! I have it all figured out. All you need to do is meet me at the stables at four. I can't wait to be with you.
Yours forever,
Elizabeth
Hardly believing her hand had penned this letter for him, Nathan tenderly re-folded it and held the letter to his heart. How far they'd come, he thought. Yet in a way it felt like they'd always been here, just as she'd written. He recalled how for years, Elizabeth's eyes were a stormy mix. But within her troubled looks, a reliable flicker of love had always shone brightly for Nathan. He shook his head gently, scolding himself for so quickly assuming Elizabeth was refusing him again. From here on out, he committed inwardly, he'd do his best to trust first.
Watching this all unfold, Bill was well beyond ready now for the full story. His voice crashed through Nathan's thoughts. "It doesn't take Mountie intuition to know that letter doesn't pertain to work." Nathan looked up, confused. He'd been so taken in by Elizabeth's letter, he'd forgotten he was in the Mountie office where he and Bill had been discussing extra security for Lucas before Robert arrived. Nathan quickly shuffled the letter in between some other work papers.
As Bill walked over toward the front of the desk, he questioned, "It's from Elizabeth isn't it?"
Avoiding the inquiry, Nathan answered, "Bill, I can't figure out if you're nosy because you're a Mountie and want to know everything, or if it's simply that you delight in knowing all the town's news."
"Well, in most cases," Bill paused, "it's a little bit of both," he said with honesty and his signature side smirk. "But, Nathan, where it concerns you or Elizabeth, I'm nosy because it's personal. I know I called you out a bit and may have mentioned you were as slow as molasses in January, but it's only because I want both of you to be happy." Bill delivered his message while also trying to determine if he could read any of the letter's words in the part that peeked out from among the other documents.
Completely aware of Bill's stealth, Nathan organized the papers into one stack, making a mental note to later retrieve the letter now nestled between papers. "Thanks Bill. That's really kind of you, truly" Nathan said genuinely. "You know that it's been a long road, but thankfully, Elizabeth and I are finally together." Nathan was hoping that the finality of his statement would deter Bill.
"So, back to my original question …." Bill piped in. No such luck, Nathan thought. He should have known. "The letter is from Elizabeth?"
Nathan knew there was no stopping Bill, so he simply answered, "Yes, it's from Elizabeth."
"Well, I couldn't help noticing your reaction seemed …" Bill struggled for the right word "... varied. It was a good letter, I hope?"
Nathan decided to give in, fully aware of Bill's caring intentions. But, Bill certainly didn't need to know every detail. "It was a great letter," Nathan offered, smiling. "Just somehow when I read the first line," he hesitated and looked down. Bill didn't push, guessing Nathan needed a moment. After a deep breath, Nathan lifted his eyes to meet Bill's. He quietly admitted, "I thought Elizabeth was ending things a third time."
Bill discovered even he could be rendered speechless. He'd never seen Nathan or Elizabeth happier. What possibly could be going through Nathan's head to question Elizabeth's love? A split second passed. Ah, Bill thought, history. Of course.
"Nathan, can I be frank with you?"
"I wouldn't expect anything less from you, Bill," Nathan responded with an amused, slight smile.
Remembering each and every boulder in this couple's arduous path to love, Bill grabbed an extra chair from the wall and sat himself in front of Nathan's desk. "Any doubt you have is only surfacing from the past. We both know Elizabeth had a lot to work through. But what the two of you have now …" Bill let out an admiring sigh," few experience in a lifetime."
Nathan was quick to respond, "I know, Bill. I really do. It's … it's more than I ever imagined, honestly." Pausing a moment, he debated whether to share more. As he watched Bill acknowledge his silence, Nathan accepted Bill would wrangle it out of him anyway. So Nathan admitted, "I don't know. Deep down, I can't help but feel there's enough history to make me wary of whether this will really go where I want it to."
With that one sentence, Bill knew something was off. There were far too many words. Nathan was clearly troubled. Bill waited to respond, sensing that Nathan needed to say even more. Nathan sighed, "I don't think anyone anticipated Elizabeth would end her engagement ..." He added almost under his breath, "even Lucas."
Bill understood now with perfect clarity. Trust had been broken one too many times. Not only had Elizabeth rejected Nathan twice, but she'd also accepted a proposal and then stepped away from that promise. From Nathan's perspective, he could empathize with the uncertainty Nathan felt. Elizabeth may have seemed to have a vacillating heart, but Bill had always seen clearly through the chaos.
Bill leaned forward in his chair. "Look, I know Elizabeth was engaged. But between you and me, Nathan, in knowing Elizabeth as well as I do, I could tell even then how tied she still was to you. I don't think a potential move to Capital City is what ended their relationship."
Nathan stood, planning to take this opportunity to go on rounds. He wasn't sure he was ready for this conversation. "Well," he told Bill, "Elizabeth and I haven't really talked through the time of her engagement yet. So -"
Already sensing Nathan's hesitancy to continue on this topic, Bill stood and rested a hand on Nathan's shoulder, standing between him and the closed door. Bill looked Nathan straight into his eyes, and gently said, "It's understandable that you may have been trying to steer clear of the two of them when they were together, but as fond as she was of Lucas, she's different with you, Nathan. You see that, don't you?"
Drawn deeper into doubt, Nathan answered, "I think so. But how am I supposed to know what she had with Lucas? They seemed happy until the Governor's race."
Bill continued, trying to relay why the past played out as it did. "Nathan, 'seemed happy' is different than beaming, and that is what Elizabeth is with you. When she was with Lucas, it's like she was taking on a role, believing that choosing a safe, comfortable married life was the next natural step to moving on." Even through the red serge, Bill noticed Nathan's torso tense. So he gave Nathan's shoulder a couple of consoling pats as he said, "She just wasn't ready then to take a leap of faith with y–"
Nathan interjected with sudden fire, "You know I'm so tired of hearing that!" Surprised, Bill dropped his hand. Clearly he'd unintentionally struck a nerve. Nathan started pacing and continued, "And do you know what really infuriates me?!" His eyes were blazing with anger. "No one has noticed that it's Lucas's connections that have endangered Elizabeth. She's been held hostage! Twice!" His voice escalated as he emphasized, "Hostage! That's as high a stakes as it gets!"
Nathan's heart had entirely run away from him, both in speed and intensity. He'd surprised himself at how quickly his anger had erupted. What was wrong with him today? First, misinterpreting Elizabeth's letter, and now this? Through clenched teeth, he forced the remaining air out of his lungs, trying to calm himself. But he felt defeated circling back to the same question that had haunted him again and again. Looking at Bill, he asked with desperate exasperation, "How was Lucas safe? How was I not?" Then he found himself fuming again, "I'm the one who's protected her!"
In a steady voice, Bill reassured him, "The irony is not lost on me, Nathan. The two of us often see things the same way simply because we're trained to uncover the truth, even when it's buried deep." Bill knew he was supposed to be helping Nathan de-escalate right now, but he just had to say his piece. "To be honest, I'm still seething about that last situation. Weeks ago, you and I both sensed Lucas needed more protection. He refused, and that put the whole town at risk!"
"Exactly!" Nathan said, still enraged. "How was Lucas safe?" Nathan threw up a hand toward the ceiling in frustrated fury. In the wake of the verbal storm, an irritating silence filled the room. Nathan's shoulders drooped from the weight of battling past concerns that clearly had not been fully resolved. Before he could stop the words, his long held question came tumbling out. "Bill, years ago I told Elizabeth I'd quit the Mounties for her. Why did she still run to Lucas?" Nathan felt a familiar ache envelop his heart. What's more, he felt entirely exposed at being so open. But he needed unadulterated truth. And he knew he could count on Bill.
"Have you asked Elizabeth about this?" Bill questioned first.
"No, I've wanted her —
"— to take the lead," Bill interrupted. "Right. I remember."
Bill hesitated a moment, wondering how deeply to get involved. "Well, I happen to have some strong opinions about this but I've kept them to myself up until now. Are you sure you want to hear them?"
"I did ask," Nathan replied with a mix of annoyance and friendly sarcasm.
With a solid invitation, Bill dove in. "All in all I like Lucas. But I never felt like he was right for Elizabeth. For one, it was as plain as day how much she loved you."
"You know, I honestly felt that, too," Nathan said, "which is why it all seemed so confusing."
"Confusing to you, perhaps, but clear to me."
Nathan felt indebted to Bill already. This inspector turned judge wasn't just any friend. Bill had a unique ability to hone in on truth.
"I think you'd understand perfectly if you'd watched the grief Elizabeth went through after Jack died. " Bill cleared his throat quickly, starting to feel a little too emotional. Nathan, of course, saw the shift. Bill continued, "I was with Elizabeth through that time. Rosemary, too. We were all devastated. Jack's death was so … sudden. As much as Elizabeth feared that very thing happening, I think she never imagined it truly would happen, especially just two weeks after they were married."
Nathan's eyes jumped back to Bill's. "Two weeks?!"
"Two weeks," Bill said quietly, lightly nodding his head. "She was over the worst by the time you came to Hope Valley, but she was still hurting. Anyone could see it in her eyes. Just coming to meet you was a hurdle, being the new Mountie and all."
Nathan felt his stomach tighten at the reminder of being Jack's replacement.
Neither said anything for a moment as Nathan processed and Bill sighed through his saddened heart. It was Bill's voice that first broke the silence, "Do you know Jack offered to quit the Mounties, too?"
"He did?" Nathan asked with surprise.
"Yes," Bill started, "but Jack had only ever planned to be a Mountie. He felt it was his calling and hadn't counted on Elizabeth coming along. They talked about his leaving the Mounties, but in the end, they both knew quitting was asking too much.
"But when you offered to quit the Mounties," Bill continued, "my guess is Elizabeth knew it was different. You'd already sacrificed positions to be here in Hope Valley. For you, it's been family above all else. Am I right?"
Nathan nodded with a warm smile, "Allie changed that for me," now back to his characteristic calm.
Bill was not at all surprised. Allie was a favorite of his, too. "What you've done for Allie alone shows what kind of man you are, Nathan. Then to offer to quit the Mounties? Elizabeth knew you'd give your all for her."
That rang true for Nathan. He would.
"This is where it's crystal clear to me," Bill started to explain. "You were ready to give her what she wasn't yet ready to give. Anyone who knows Elizabeth knows she loves with her whole heart. But all the trauma and fear around Jack's death and your prisoner transfer made that impossible at the time."
Nathan thought back to their revealing moments at the log. "It would hurt too much if I lost you the way I lost Jack," and then ultimately, "I can't." But, even through the fear in her eyes, he remembered seeing the unmistakable flicker of love that he knew burned only for him.
Bill's voice pulled him back, "Do you remember when you came into my office after Elizabeth went after Emily in the woods and I gave you some advice?"
"Yes," Nathan recalled. "You told me she's been through enough to know to look before she leaps."
"Right. The Union City thing with Lucas became a bit overblown. In my opinion, the only statement Elizabeth was making that weekend is that she liked Virginia Woolf, nothing more. Despite what Lucas and the town seemed to think, I didn't want its appearance to derail you."
Although Nathan had come to terms with that excursion, he'd still never forget how taken aback and hurt he'd felt when he first heard about it. Allie was the loyal soul willing to share the hard truth with him – that Elizabeth had gone on an overnight date with Lucas. Bill had been right by his side shortly after to assure him, as he was now, that he really didn't think it was worth all the fuss.
Referring back to their earlier conversation, Bill added, "I also told you Elizabeth's stronger than you think. Based on the years it took for Jack and Elizabeth to marry, I thought, given time, that she'd eventually work through her fears and choose a life with you. That's definitely where I saw her happiest."
Bill grunted with disgust, "But you know Lucas. He strategized and pushed, and then pushed some more. Even though Elizabeth wasn't yet ready for a relationship with you, Lucas was right there as another option, laying on the charm as only Lucas can."
No explanation needed there, Nathan thought with an internal roll of the eyes.
Bill continued, "Elizabeth felt forced to decide before she was ready. She didn't allow herself enough time to 'look,' to heal. So she made the safer jump … one that wouldn't require her whole heart."
Nathan's eyes shifted to the door. He remembered all too well the finality of its click as Elizabeth left years ago, walking away from him and into Lucas's arms. He was tormented those first six months trying to survive in the same town with Elizabeth and her "safer" choice.
Bill waited for Nathan to continue his train of thought so he'd be sure to have Nathan's full attention. Once Nathan's eyes returned to his, Bill emphasized his point. "Nathan, even after she was with Lucas, I watched her still watching you. She cared for him, yes, but as much as she tried, she couldn't let you go." Bill paused, trying to sense whether any of this was sinking in. Nathan's furrowed brow suggested some, but not enough.
Nathan looked up, as if trying to pull answers together from the heavens, "She couldn't be with me, but she couldn't let me go."
"Exactly," Bill said with satisfaction, grateful Nathan understood. Yet he didn't look settled. Bill sighed dejectedly. As Nathan's words ran through Bill's head again, he better understood the confusion Nathan felt. The reality was clear, but how to process the way that truth had affected his life was most assuredly hazy.
Nathan let out a frustrated sigh. What was wrong with him? He had a love letter sitting right there on the desk from Elizabeth. Why did anything from the past even matter?
Nathan couldn't believe how often he and Elizabeth were interrupted in the last couple of months. And yet when he would've loved an interruption now to remove him from this all too familiar train of thought on fear and love, there was only silence. So, here he stood across from Bill in what was becoming an awkward silence. Nathan could appreciate that his friend was trying to be helpful, but Bill's words were clearly just picking at old wounds.
"What were you trying to get at, Bill?" Nathan asked, wanting to wrap up and be done with this conversation.
"The point is," Bill started, "regardless of where Elizabeth ever ended up with Lucas, it was obvious to me that she only lit up around you. It was just a matter of time for her fear to subside and her heart to heal so she could acknowledge that and choose you."
Trying to process all the opinions Bill had just shared, which were all likely true, Nathan returned to his chair, suddenly baffled. "Bill, how do you know all of this? Do you and Elizabeth talk often?"
"Some," Bill acknowledged and then shrugged, "But she's not that mysterious, Nathan" Bill said resolutely. "But I guess it helps that I've known her through so many years, and was close to Jack, too."
Nathan was amused to hear Bill describe Elizabeth in the very way she described herself. He leaned an elbow onto his desk and lifted his hand to his forehead, trying to rub away the building headache. Apparently, both Elizabeth and Bill seemed to think she wasn't all that mysterious, but he was still feeling confused.
Ironically, all that Bill said Nathan somehow felt like he'd always known. Thanks to Bill just now, he did understand Elizabeth's fear better, and how it related to Jack and Lucas … and, clearly, to himself, as well. But if it wasn't Elizabeth's love he ultimately doubted, why did he still feel so rattled? Why had he quickly jumped to believing that letter might be Elizabeth rejecting him again? The pit in his stomach told him something was still unresolved. Clearly even if his mind could make some sense of the past, his heart was still struggling.
Nathan was dumbfounded at how personal this conversation had become, but he trusted Bill and knew Bill's being just a step outside of the whirlwind provided more clarity, which he greatly appreciated. Even so, Nathan was ready to be done. After an exhausting amount of talking, he still somehow felt just as unsettled. Plus, he was at work, after all. Whatever this was, he could come back to another time.
He looked up at Bill, who now also looked conflicted and said, "I appreciate your insights, Bill, I really do. Thank you. I'm sorry you've been dragged into all this. Maybe I'm just having a bad day. I'm sure you've got things to do." Nathan started pulling out papers he'd previously been reviewing.
Bill didn't move an inch. "Nathan, I know you're trying to get rid of me. But I can tell you're hardly in a better position than when you read that letter."
Nathan leaned back in his chair, ran his hands through his dark hair, and blew out a sigh to the ceiling. "I know," he answered truthfully. Shaking his head in thought, the worries of his heart began to clarify. Staring past Bill, but focusing on nothing in particular, Nathan said, "I feel so sure when I'm with her," lost in thought for a second. Then, looking at Bill, he added, "But then there are moments where I can't help but wonder if she could still step away, if it could all feel like too much."
The vulnerable truth of that statement struck them both. Bill understood Nathan's concern. Elizabeth's history of refusal to both him and to Lucas was daunting. As Lucas would say, the cards were not in Nathan's favor. Why would Nathan feel sure that this time would be different, even if Elizabeth was more openly sharing her love now? But, Bill, again, with his Mountie intuition and at just enough distance, honed in on an opinion that he of course believed to be true. In fact, without a doubt, Bill knew this time would be different.
It didn't take any ounce of instinct for Bill to see that Nathan was completely engrossed in thought and still feeling conflicted. But Bill was incapable of waiting any longer for this couple he loved to figure things out for themselves. If he couldn't change the seasons to thaw the molasses that might hold them back yet again, perhaps he could simply remove the molasses entirely. It was time to be blunt, he thought, which luckily was well within his skill set.
"Nathan, I'm going to call it how I see it and say that I think your history is what is dredging up fear and derailing your trust, not what is right in front of you now. Even though Elizabeth's course is currently pointing due north with you, you're finding it hard to fully trust that this time will be different. She —"
Nathan interjected, "Well, yes, but—"
Bill's hand shot up as he interrupted right back, "It's not that your doubt isn't warranted," he said with understanding. "But as Elizabeth is always telling us, 'People do change.' And in her case, I know without a doubt she has. She's always loved you Nathan. I think you've known that. What's changed is what she's ready to do about it."
Nathan took that in, trying to determine if that eased his uncertainty. But somehow it didn't. He felt even more concern that Elizabeth changing her mind now would completely break him … and Allie, too, he thought with dread.
"Bill, I think you and I both know I'm not just talking about trusting Elizabeth in our relationship." Nathan rose from the chair, and walked around the desk to stand within speaking distance of Bill. Resolutely, he said, "I want to marry her."
Nathan's heart started pounding. He felt his emotions rise as he revealed so clearly and openly for the first time out loud what he wanted with all of his heart, what he'd longed for through so many years. Nathan asked in desperation, almost in a whisper, "So how do I discard all that history and trust that this time will suddenly be different?"
Bill sighed. The roles had reversed. First Elizabeth's fear. Now Nathan's fear. Fear of loss. Both were justified, and both had to be overcome. With exasperation, Bill silently cast a prayer to the heavens, "Please don't let Nathan's fear hinder their progress now."
Standing there within the walls of the Mountie office, Bill had an idea. Years ago, Nathan had readily accepted his father's guilt when a diamond necklace went missing based on his history as a thief. Once Elizabeth presented him with the possibility that just this once, maybe his dad was telling the truth, Bill remembered Nathan riding off to Benson Hills. Although qualified Mounties were there handling the case, Nathan told Bill, "I have to see for myself." It took Nathan sifting through the evidence to find and trust the truth for himself.
Today, Bill thought he'd been offering sound evidence through his explanations of what he saw with Elizabeth. But now he understood how specific the examples needed to be for Nathan to accept them as facts rather than interpretations.
Bill reached out a hand and rested it on Nathan's shoulder, showing his support as a friend. "Nathan, I can't say it enough. You can trust Elizabeth. I've tried to explain that through what I see. I'm a Mountie and a judge. I've known Elizabeth for nearly a decade. That alone is fairly convincing … to the mind at least," Bill added.
"Bill, It's not that I don't trust you, it's just —"
"No need to explain, Nathan. This is about you finding truth you can trust, truth that defies the history your heart can't seem to escape." Nathan wasn't sure where Bill was going with this, but he already felt exhausted with this entire conversation, really this entire day. Bill continued, "You know how it is as a Mountie. When you're personally involved in a case, it can be hard to see things objectively. Evidence becomes everything. Wasn't that the situation with your dad and that diamond necklace?"
"Well, yes," replied Nathan, not sure how this related to his questions about Elizabeth.
"Right! So, with that being said," Bill prepped his best judge voice, "what you need in this case is proof. Therefore, court is now in session and I'll be presenting five pieces of evidence."
"Bill," Nathan rolled his eyes and sighed with exasperation. "We've already talked circles around this topic and I have rounds to do."
Bill put up one finger, as if to say, "Wait a moment." He turned around, walked briskly to the door and opened it up. Leaning out, Bill looked right, then left, walked back in, and announced, "All is well."
Ignoring Nathan, Bill continued, thoroughly delighted with his idea. This was right up his alley. He'd assure their trust through wedding vows and beyond. And … it would hopefully only take a matter of minutes to resolve, instead of years, Bill silently prayed, as it had for Elizabeth.
Bill started in his official judge voice, "Number five, Banana Bread." Then Bill lightly elbowed Nathan and clarified in his usual self-satisfied voice, "I'm counting down from five for added suspense."
Nathan could not have imagined a more unusual day. He debated returning to his chair, but figured if he was already standing there might be a moment for an easy escape.
Bill apparently planned for a lengthy court case. He made himself right at home in Nathan's chair behind the desk, and continued, "Where was I? Ah, yes, Banana Bread. As a witness, while Elizabeth was engaged, I personally observed the unmistakable chemistry between you two when she held back from donating both of her bread pans. And the reason she openly shared for keeping back one said pan? Just in case she might bake a certain single man, who I might add was not her fiance, a treat he especially likes."
Nathan couldn't help but laugh, both at Bill's judge voice making declarations about dessert, as well as in remembering how Elizabeth just recently baked banana bread for their family dinner, as if it was, in fact, a special secret between the two of them.
"Point taken," Nathan conceded.
"Excellent. Moving on. Number four."
Nathan shook his head in amusement. Bill was having far too much fun with this. But Nathan had to admit, he was intrigued as to which pieces of evidence Bill would select.
Bill rattled on, "Even with Lucas in Hope Valley instead of Capital City, Elizabeth never re-initiated their relationship but instead went to great lengths to plan just the right birthday celebration for a man who is notoriously hard to please when it comes to parties."
"You got me on that one," Nathan recalled. "That was a great surprise." His half smile gave way to a full grin. His and Elizabeth's conversation that next morning played through his mind, "That was a night full of surprises." "Wasn't it, though?" Caught up in the memory, Nathan took a step toward the desk and rested on its edge. The confetti. Their new normal.
Bill saw that Nathan's gaze had shifted out of focus. He watched as a contented sigh relaxed Nathan's frame. Good, Bill thought, with a bit of a smirk and relief, this is working.
"Number three," Bill continued, pulling Nathan from his memories. "And this is a deeper one," Bill whispered out of the side of his mouth as he leaned in. "I have it on good authority, from Elizabeth herself, in fact, that you were the first person since Abigail and Rosemary she trusted to tell about that rotten Higgins. She further confided in me that you were there for her in a way no one else could've been."
Nathan remembered wanting to rip Higgins apart before he'd even met him. Once that snake was standing in front of him inside the schoolroom, squirming out of getting caught, it took every ounce of Nathan's will not to smash that man senseless for using his power to so sickly take advantage of so many women. But Elizabeth. Wow. His heart swelled with pride. She so bravely shut down his ability to ever repeat his twisted ways. That was the night Nathan had really opened his heart. He remembered sharing those words, "I'm proud of you," with a bit of hesitation, but knowing he couldn't possibly withhold anymore the love that was tumbling out of his heart.
Bill stood quietly, recognizing that with each point he made, the deeper Nathan fell into his own thoughts. As a Mountie trained in interrogation, Bill could clearly see by Nathan's expressions those thoughts were reversing his uncertainty, pulling Nathan from the black hole of doubt he'd all too easily fallen in. Nathan needed to see that despite the past, there was now an abundance of evidence to show that Elizabeth was fully his, forever, and that he could entirely trust their love and their future.
Nathan's eyes softened. Never would he have known that a little shoulder bump could convey so much feeling. At that moment, he knew something beautiful had come from how he'd been there for her when she needed him most - holding her, listening to her, supporting her. Of course that's what he'd always wanted to do. "There's no place I'd rather be" he recalled saying, and that was even before Elizabeth initiated a closeness they'd not yet known.
Nathan remembered Elizabeth shyly looking down and turning her head slightly. He had no idea at the time what was coming next. When he felt her lean in and rest her head on his shoulder, he could've sworn his heart stopped. His lungs certainly did. At the time, he couldn't help but turn his head to reassure himself that this sweetest gesture she'd just vulnerably made was real. Absolute wonder. That's what he felt swell in his heart and then flood his entire frame. After a restorative breath, he marveled how one simple choice on her part had propelled them from a complicated friendship to an intentional "we."
Nathan sat, still perched on the edge of the desk, re-immersed in that wonder. He realized how noticeably lighter he felt. Hope was filling his heart again. Pulled back into the reality of the Mountie office, Nathan smiled at Bill, prompting him with, "Okay, I'm ready for it. What's your number two?"
Bill spoke in a far less dramatic voice now, and with reverence said softly, "Number two. I know without a doubt because it has been proven that Elizabeth trusts you with her life. I witnessed her without any words spoken agree to jump from a balcony with you into a hay wagon." Bill paused reflectively, "Danger or not," he continued on, "A single mother who so dearly loves her little boy would only take such a leap of faith if she implicitly trusted the one who suggested such a bold and unexpected move."
Bill's "Number Two" catapulted Nathan back to the emotions of that night. The mood of the room shifted immediately. Fear clutched at his chest, remembering how his heart fractured at Bill's words, "Jeanette and another guy have Elizabeth." Her panic-stricken face had often since jolted him out of nightmares. That night she'd been begging with her eyes for him to save her as she was shoved at gunpoint up the stairs. He'd never forget the helplessness of watching the last of her pink jacket disappear, knowing he'd lost all control of her safety.
"That was the worst night of my life," Nathan recalled, thoroughly unnerved at reliving those moments. "In all my years as a Mountie, I've never been so terrified." Nathan hardly moved, entirely stone faced. Turning then toward Bill, he said, "You of all people know how suddenly it could've gone wrong."
Bill hadn't expected this. As Mounties they regularly face danger. That night his thoughts and attention naturally went to checking in on Elizabeth. He knew Nathan had been shaken, but Bill berated himself now for not considering the lasting trauma that may have lingered. Nathan sat rigidly on the edge of the desk, stuck in his looping memories of that night. He remembered how forcefully he'd grabbed Elizabeth on that balcony, desperate to draw her back to him.
He hardly knew the words in his mind were being spoken aloud, "I know what it feels like to lose Elizabeth." As the memories from past years resurfaced, an inconsolable crushing sensation gripped his heart. "It tore me apart." Nathan rested his hands on his knees then squeezed into his thighs to steady himself. He took a moment to slow his breathing.
That awful night, when he'd opened his eyes in the hay wagon to Elizabeth lying safely in his arms, he ached to pull her in even closer, as close as humanly possible, to feel the entirety of her body against his, to shield every part of her from any more harm. For a perfect moment, Nathan felt her chest rise and fall with his. She was his forever, he'd thought. She had to be.
Nathan's distraught eyes found Bill's, "I can't lose her, again, Bill," Nathan barely whispered, his eyes starting to shine with unshed tears, "not after all we've gone through." Nathan's voice caught as he spoke the last word, "not after where we are now." He looked away, fighting for composure.
Bill walked over and slowly lowered to sit beside Nathan along the edge of the desk, placing a comforting hand on his friend's back. Even Scout sensed the shift. Willing to abandon his cozy bed, he padded over and sat beside Nathan and gave a little whine, nudging his head into Nathan's leg. Reaching down, Nathan rubbed behind Scout's ear, grateful for the support and the momentary distraction.
Nathan swallowed, and looking ahead, confided in a shaky voice, "I've never needed anyone Bill." It didn't escape Bill's notice how Nathan pressed his lips tightly together, trying to control his quivering chin. "I've spent my life being the strong one ... The one who has all the answers … The one who can stand alone."
Bill knew both the fear and the hope in those words. They're words he'd lived as well. He rested a consoling hand on Nathan's shoulder. "That's admirable, Nathan. It really is," Bill said with compassion. "Both you and Elizabeth have proven how strong you individually are. But the reality is, you don't have to stand alone."
Nathan sighed and lightly nodded his head, still seeming to be lost in his thoughts. Bill heard Nathan sniff and noticed him direct his eyes up at the ceiling, trying to let the unfallen tears reabsorb.
Nudging Nathan along, Bill added, "Besides, you're even stronger together. I've seen that. I know you have, too." Nathan's tender tear-rimmed eyes found Bill's again. Mercy, Bill thought. What this man has gone through. "Nathan," Bill said, with all the love in his heart for this exceptionally good and deserving friend, "I've never been more sure of anything than the two of you. Elizabeth is steadfast. She's not going anywhere. She may have walked a broken road for a time, but she's all the stronger for it now. You can trust that she'll be there for you in more ways than you can even imagine just like you've been there for her all along."
Bill let that settle a moment. Nathan reached up a hand by his eye, catching a tear just after it fell. He remembered how his heart had soared hearing Elizabeth say that very thing after taking Allie home from Granville Prison. "I'm not going anywhere." Nathan didn't trust his voice, so he remained quiet.
A thought occurred to Bill that he decided to run with, "When I was contemplating taking a leap of faith myself, do you know what a wise, seasoned Mountie told me?"
"What?" Nathan asked, clearly open to sage advice, and able to manage speaking one word, anyway, without losing all composure.
Bill slowly gave his answer for added emphasis, "Missing out … is the worst feeling of all."
Nathan looked over at Bill knowingly, shaking his head, and giving a half smile. Sniffing a couple of times, and finding some control of his voice, he said, "You're throwing my own words back at me, huh?"
Bill shrugged, "Wise words are wise words, Nathan," patting him on the shoulder, leaving his hand to rest there. He shifted slightly to face Nathan, "Elizabeth has given her whole heart to you, Nathan, and she's given you her trust. It's time for you to do the same," he paused and added with significance, "holding nothing back."
Nathan took a knowing deep breath.
Bill could tell he was thankfully getting through. Elizabeth and Nathan. Jack-a-roo and Allie. They meant too much to him. He wasn't just sticking his nose where it didn't belong. He was jumping in with both feet. They may feel it's only about them. But he'd been along for the tumultuous ride for five years, too, and long before that as well, even living through the heartache of Jack's death. Now it was Bill's turn to tear up. He needed this family, too. And he knew this was right. Fear was no longer an acceptable reason for this rare love to fail.
Bill now slipped his arm around Nathan's broad shoulders and gave him a light squeeze. "Do you want to hear my number one? Of all of the previous evidence, it's the one that will leave you with zero doubt."
"Clearly I can't turn that down," Nathan answered, feeling a little more in control.
"Number one. Riding lessons. The only people Elizabeth's let into Little Jack's life the way she recently has with you are me and the Coulters. And the reason we're a lasting part of his life, as you know, is because she intentionally chose us to be … as his godfather and his guardians. Even days away from a wedding with Lucas, she was far more guarded with her son than she is with you right now. Nathan, Elizabeth trusts you with Little Jack's safety. I can't overemphasize the significance of that gesture. But even beyond her son's safety, she trusts you with his sweet little Mountie loving heart."
At the mention of Little Jack, Nathan knew he'd lost the battle with his emotions. The upheaval of the day had stripped away his usual stoicism, leaving him entirely raw and exposed to any passing feeling. But he willed his mind to focus on hearing Bill's final thoughts, "After all that's happened in the last couple of years, she'd only ever open up her little boy to someone if she was certain of the lasting role he'd play in their lives."
Nathan's eyes immediately filled with tears again at the thought of Elizabeth's growing boy. Memories flooded his mind, how even just months into their friendship, Elizabeth trusted him to look after Baby Jack the day of his christening. Nathan laughed a little through his tears, remembering how Jack cooed and smiled back at him as he tried to entertain him with funny faces. What Elizabeth couldn't possibly have known then is how much he already loved that wriggly little boy, how much he wanted to protect and care for Jack, especially in being so painfully linked to his father's death.
Nathan also knew what it was like to live without a father, to have to rise up to be the strong one, the man of the family. He wanted with all his heart for that young boy to have the security and nurturing he never had. And more than anything, with all the love he felt now for Little Jack, he wanted to be the father to provide that for him, to his little Mountie Jack. Nathan's throat ached with unexpressed emotion. He bent his head and turned it slightly away from Bill as the tears spilled over.
Bill, with his arm already around Nathan, pulled him in lightly against him. "I know," he whispered. "I know."
For a moment these two theoretically hardened Mounties sat in silence, perched side by side on the edge of the desk in the jail, their hearts laid completely bare. Nathan sniffed and brushed some tears from his eyes. When he trusted his voice, he told Bill, "I never imagined Elizabeth would change her mind and let Little Jack ride," chuckling a bit.
"Oh, that was entirely your doing, Nathan. She trusts your judgment." Bill couldn't help adding, "Well, I did kind of help out by intentionally buying Pal without permission."
Nathan smiled, and fresh tears filled the corners of his eyes, thinking about the growing boy that currently held the softest spot in his heart. "That Little Jack. He learned so quickly," Nathan said proudly, remembering the tender moment in leading Jack around the field in front of the rowhouse. With Elizabeth looking on, Jack confidently announced, "We've got this Mom!"
Bill saw the love for Little Jack etched on every line of this father's face and responded, "I know I don't have to tell you that this family of four needs each other."
Nathan took a deep breath, blinking back his final tears. His voice rumbled out lower than usual, affected by the emotions of the day. "When Allie was struggling about her birth father, I couldn't have navigated that roller coaster without Elizabeth." Nathan shook his head in wonder, "From the very first day Allie was here in Hope Valley, Elizabeth knew what to do to bring out the best in her." He let that sit for a moment, recalling time after time how Elizabeth had guided Allie and nurtured her.
Nathan remembered that trip to Granville Prison, the minutes that passed like hours in the station as he waited to board the train to find Allie, worrying that his hopeful little girl was walking straight into heartbreak. Elizabeth was there for him in a way he'd never known possible. When he felt her comforting hand slip around his, the tangible burden on his shoulders shifted. An inexpressible gratitude filled his single parent heart as he recognized Elizabeth's choice to share the weight together.
He wasn't alone. In fact, for years, he hadn't really been alone. Elizabeth had always been there for Allie, and so by proxy for him. He'd felt an unexpected healing in looking after Little Jack since coming to Hope Valley and had loved watching the two kids forge a tight bond from the beginning.
Bill patiently sat, still beside Nathan, comfortable with this typical way of supporting each other. A sentence or two might be said, but the act of listening between the two of them often occurred in silence. A conversation would be started with space then provided for the internal processing. Sometimes the words expressed weren't even relevant to the matter at hand. Baseball. Wood chopping. Butter churns. Regardless, the sense of reinforcement was always communicated. They both came away feeling heard, despite having said very little.
That pattern repeated itself today, in this very moment, as Bill sat "listening" while Nathan sat thinking. But in this matter of Elizabeth and Nathan, the stakes were too high, and the problem had been too complicated for Nathan to shoulder it alone. So Nathan had shared his heart. Bill had shared his mind. And the two finally came to an agreement. Out of the silence, Nathan responded to the comment Bill made minutes ago, "You're right. We do need each other. That's been clear all along."
Nathan fell back into the internal processing as Bill supported in silence. Sometimes Nathan felt like he was having to make this huge leap of faith, trusting that this time with Elizabeth would be different. Third time's the charm, right? he thought with the tiniest tinge of cynicism. But what he hadn't realized was that he'd already covered almost all of the distance. All that remained was really only a matter of small steps. He'd spent years trusting Elizabeth with Allie. Granted, his trust in her with his own heart had been shattered for a time. But clearly and convincingly, Bill had proven Elizabeth trustworthy of Nathan's whole heart.
Over the last couple of months, Elizabeth had built a foundation of trust brick by brick that he could fully believe in and depend on, regardless of their past. Asking him to dance. Supporting and loving Allie. Reaching for his hand. Trusting him on that night of terror. Expressing her steadfast and especially heartfelt "Be safe." Sharing her heart, her love, and her kisses … God, he loved to kiss her, Nathan thought, momentarily distracted. But Bill was right. Elizabeth's most convincing brick was her most trusting offering - Little Jack. Just the other day, when he'd asked Elizabeth about spending more time with her son, just the two of them, he felt the warmth of her entire heart behind her answer, "I would love that."
Nathan's heart and shoulders felt light again. He could breathe. Most importantly, he felt entirely clear and absolutely hopeful in his future. He had a love letter on his desk from his beautiful Elizabeth and was anxious now to read back through her words, to let her love sink deeply into his heart, knowing it would be lasting. Nathan had been fully caught off guard with today's spiral into fear. He'd been suddenly paralyzed by the "what if" of losing Elizabeth, knowing now, after all they've shared, that it would completely shatter him. But time is a finite resource, as Bill had so recently and bluntly reminded him. Nathan didn't want to waste another second to worry. So, he knew to rid himself from the weight of the past, there was one final barrier.
Nathan felt his pulse intensify as he considered a question he'd longed to ask Bill, but had so far been too afraid to ask … in fear of the answer. Knowing this hurdle had to be addressed, he decided to take the plunge.
"Bill, how do you think Jack would feel about us … about me and Elizabeth?" He could hardly breathe now that the question was lingering in the open air.
Nathan's question tugged at Bill's heart. He'd loved Jack. He loved Nathan. Both felt like sons to him. An emotional lump suddenly swelled in Bill's throat as he reflected on the integrity of the man sitting beside him. Swallowing down the rising emotion, he assured Nathan, "He'd be honored and humbled …" Bill struggled through the words, blinking back a few threatening tears, " … by your sense of duty to look after Elizabeth and Little Jack."
Bill was completely overcome in thinking about the attributes both Nathan and Jack shared - their unwavering integrity, their warmth and generosity, and their exceptional love and devotion to Elizabeth. "Whew," Bill said, shaking his head, unable to continue. He reached over to the chair and grabbed a handkerchief out of his jacket pocket. He took a moment to dab his eyes.
Now it was Nathan's turn to reach an arm around Bill. "It's been quite a day, hasn't it?"
Bill nodded in silent agreement as he took a deep breath. Shifting to look Nathan directly in the eyes, Bill reassured him, "I knew Jack for years, Nathan. He'd be grateful and at peace."
Nathan inhaled deeply, relaxing into a new sense of calm. Standing up, he turned and faced Bill. He reached out his hand in gratitude and said only a few words, "Thank you, Bill." But the seasoned senior Mountie felt the gravity of his appreciation.
As Bill met his handshake, he closed his other hand over Nathan's and gave it a few firm pats. "I'm behind you one hundred percent, you know. I can be a little gruff sometimes, and we may not have started off on the right foot when I threw you in jail," Bill paused with a chuckle. "But you and Elizabeth …" his voice caught, "you're family to me."
With their hands still connected by a handshake, Nathan pulled Bill into a hug, "That means a lot, Bill, more than you could know." Both men offered a couple of back slaps for added affection. As they separated, Nathan felt an overwhelming love for this man. Through the years, Bill had been his fierce protector and an unrelenting friend. He regularly stepped in without an invitation, but always knew what Nathan needed and never took no for an answer. Today was a perfect example.
Ready to lighten the mood, Nathan gave Bill's shoulder a squeeze as he said, "You're family to me, too, Bill, and to Allie as well. I'm very hopeful we'll all be a family of five soon," giving Bill a half smile.
"You and me both, pal," Bill added, back to his snarky self. "I'm not getting any younger!"
In typical blunt Bill fashion, he directed, "Well," pointing to the desk, "you better write her back. You don't want to leave a woman like Elizabeth waiting!"
Nathan moved from the edge of the desk and settled into his chair while Bill shrugged back into his suit jacket. As Nathan pulled out a blank piece of paper from his desk drawer, he couldn't help but share one final thought. "You know, Bill. I can't thank you enough for today," he said with absolute sincerity. "I know in time, Elizabeth and I will work through what we need to, but it really helped to have a friend to talk to …" Then, back to their teasing nature, he added, "... especially one that's always right."
Bill smugly replied, "I'm glad you see it my way." The two lightly laughed, grateful for their deepening friendship. Returning to the importance of what they'd shared that afternoon, Bill said with care and concern, "Nathan, one more thing … The trauma of what you went through with Elizabeth as a hostage doesn't often just go away. So if you ever need to talk …"
"Thanks, Bill. I know I can count on you."
Bill smiled with warmth in his eyes. Just like Elizabeth, he, too, couldn't have imagined his once fractured life feeling so complete.
Assuming Bill was on his way out, Nathan turned back to the blank piece of paper and carefully wrote out, "Elizabeth." But only as a Mountie can, Nathan sensed Bill watching him. Sure enough, as he rotated his chair, Nathan discovered Bill looking at him expectantly.
"So what are you going to write?" Bill asked, leaning in. Nathan turned his head, raising his eyebrows at this nosy, but well intentioned friend.
"Bill," he said shortly, giving him a look.
"All right, all right," Bill responded. "It was worth a try."
As he walked toward the door, he told Nathan, "Well, I have a meeting with Rosemary, so I'll leave you to it." On his way out, Bill turned, "But my one piece of advice, Nathan," he added with a smirk, "since you asked." Nathan tried not to roll his eyes. Bill was the king of unsolicited advice.
With reverence and emotion for all they'd just shared the last hour, Bill quietly offered, "Write from the heart … and hold nothing back."
"Thank you, Bill," Nathan smiled. "I'll do exactly that."
As the door clicked closed, and the room became quiet, Nathan leaned forward onto his desk. With his pen, he began writing as he said aloud,
Elizabeth, my love,
Nathan glanced over at Scout, now settled back in the warmth of his bed. "What do you think? … Too forward? Too sentimental?" Scout's ears perked up and he lifted his head.
Nathan had never written a letter to someone he loved before but he took Scout's response as an affirmation. Looking down at the words on the paper, he read in his mind, "Elizabeth, my love." It's what he felt in every part of his being. When he moved to Hope Valley he came to protect her, both out of duty and because of the empathy he felt for her raising a child on her own. It didn't take long, though, before he admired her, respected her, and completely cherished her.
Yes, Nathan thought. "My love," was perfect.
Author's Notes:
As stoic as Nathan is, I've imagined him shouldering a lot considering how loyally and deeply he loves and how little he confided to anyone in the past. As he's opening up more to Elizabeth and beginning to remove the emotional walls he's built to manage his complicated past, I couldn't help but think of the very human emotions that might suddenly and unexpectedly surface even in a seasoned Mountie. Who better to help than Bill, since we've all known they've had it in them to deepen their friendship from the casual to the meaningful. I'm happy to think about the family Nathan and Allie will gain in creating not just a family of four, but a family of eight (adding in Rosemary, Lee, Goldie, and Bill) - plus Scout, Sargeant, and Newton, of course.
