"...Do you hate me?"Severus uttered after a long pause."You have every right to."
"No... No, I don't hate you."
"You should. Especially with what you know now..."His voice trailed off.
Theda gently closed the lid of the pocket pensive, holding it in her lap. She took a deep breath in as she searched for the words to say, her mind still reeling as she struggled to process everything she'd seen.
"Say something. Please. Whatever it is you're holding back, just say it. I can take it, just... I can't handle the silence."
Theda's lips parted as if she were going to speak, but no words came out. Severus searched her eyes a moment, but before either of them spoke she set the pensive down on the bench beside her and gently wrapped her arms around him.
"I don't understand..."He whispered as his arms hesitantly circled around her waist, as if against his own will.
"I'm sorry,"She said softly.
"Sorry?"He asked in astonishment."Sorry for what?"
"For everything you went through. Your father, your schoolmates... all of it."
Severus scoffed.
"Nothing that was done to me justifies my own actions. My sins are my own. No one else bears responsibility for the things I've done."
Theda let out a resigned sigh.
"I know that... But Severus, it's not that simple. You were also much sinned against... "
"That's no excuse."
"You were just a boy... A neglected boy looking for somewhere to belong."
"You make it all sound so innocent, so trivial. I assure you, it wasn't. And I neither deserve nor want your pity."
"It's not pity..."
Severus turned his head away, refusing to look her in the eye.
"I don't think you grasp the weight of my actions."
"That's not true..."
"You should be shocked. Sickened. Angry. Why are you so calm? Do you not understand? I served the Dark Lord, and yet I was never sent to Azkaban. Never punished for my crimes or shown any consequences worthy of my actions. I nearly murdered my father in cold blood, I—"He paused,"I let Lily and James die. I let many, many innocents die."
"Severus... You tried to save them, and risked your own life in the process."
"I should have tried harder. I should have been there when it happened."
"There's nothing more you could have done, Severus. Even if you had stopped him that night, he would have found another time, another way. You're giving yourself way too much credit. You're strong, but not strong enough to take on the Dark Lord. You would have lost your life if you'd done anything more."
"...Perhaps it would have been better that way."
"No, it wouldn't have. Certainly not for me."
"I can't fathom why you even care for me. I've never understood why, now least of all."
She gently squeezed him a little tighter.
"When I met you it was like... Like meeting another part of myself,"Theda spoke."The connection I've come to feel with you isn't something I could replicate with someone else... It's special."
"I'm touched that you feel that way, but... I think you're letting your feelings for me cloud your better judgment."He replied solemnly.
She took a deep breath before continuing.
"I won't deny that you made some terrible mistakes in your past, but what you showed me... It wasn't all bad. Severus, you were a literal child when you chose that life. None of us deserve to be judged solely on who we were as teenagers. We were all stupid and misguided at that age."
"Not as stupid and misguided as me. You can hardly chalk my actions up to normal childhood angst."
"You're right, I know this is much different than what most children experience... But so was your entire upbringing. Most children never have to experience even a fraction of the things you had to."
He said nothing, still absorbing her words.
"And yet,"She continued,"You were never too far gone. Even in your darkest moments you never truly lost sight of your humanity. You weren't as hardened to the world as you pretended to be. You struggled with your decisions. They weren't easy for you to make. I could see it in your eyes, feel the subtle trembling of your hands..."
She pulled back so she could look him in the eye, her fingertips cascading down his arms as she took his hands in her own before continuing.
"Your empathy, your capacity to love... They ruled you, even when you tried to run from them. You've never been like him, Severus. The similarities between you and the Dark Lord end with your blood status, the least important factor in who you are. You wouldn't have killed your father, even if you'd had the chance. And that woman you saved... Well, let's just say most men wouldn't have done what you did. You're not the monster you think you are, Severus, and you never were. You're a good person who's never had a healthy, stable environment in which it was safe to lower your defenses."
Severus pulled his hands away, still avoiding her gaze.
"No, don't... don't do that. I don't want to be told that I'm a good person. I know I'm not. I don't want forgiveness, either. I don't deserve it. Not from you... not from anyone."
"Then what is it you do want?"
"...Just to be given a chance, I suppose, despite the fact that I don't deserve it."
Theda nodded as she took in his words.
"Okay."
The two of them sat in silence for a few moments, neither of them sure what to say.
"So... What now?"Severus eventually asked.
"I think we better find somewhere to stay for the night. It's getting late."
"Alright,"He said.
This wasn't quite the response he had been seeking, but she was right. If they wanted to find somewhere to stay the night, they needed to do it soon.
The two of them traipsed the village, searching for an inn, a hotel, or even a public house, willing to take any vacancy. Finally, they came across an inn that was comprised of a series of small cottages. They entered the main office, the only building with light shining through its windows.
"I'm afraid we've only one available cottage at the moment,"The old woman at the front desk said in response to their inquiry."It's our smallest unit, but it's quite comfortable and features a historic Tudor-style interior and a luxurious claw foot tub in the bathroom."
"How many bedrooms are there?"Severus asked.
"It's only got the one, I'm afraid. Will that be a problem?"
Before Severus could answer, Theda chimed in.
"It sounds like that's our only choice. We've already checked everywhere else. I don't mind if you don't, Severus."
Severus was surprised, unsure if he was comfortable with the prospect of sharing a bed yet, but he cooly nodded his head in agreement.
"Follow me,"The woman said, smiling.
She led them to the small cottage, which, although it was unimpressive in terms of size, felt incredibly warm and welcoming.
"Would you like breakfast brought over in the morning?"She asked.
"Oh, that would be lovely!"Theda answered. The woman bowed her head before taking her leave.
"This is nice, don't you think?"She asked, turning her attention toward Severus.
"Oh, umm, yes."His mind was clearly elsewhere."I can sleep on the sofa, if it would make you more comfortable."He said nervously.
"You don't have to,"Theda said."It doesn't look very comfortable."
He moved a little closer, getting a better look at the sofa. It was narrow, stained, and beginning to sag around the middle.
"You're welcome to share the bed with me, Severus."
"You wouldn't be uncomfortable with that?"
"Not as uncomfortable as you'd be trying to sleep on that old couch,"She said teasingly."Really, Severus, it's fine."
"Well... if you're sure..."
She took his hand and the two of them made their way into the bedroom. The bed was quite large, taking up most of the room.
"See? Plenty of room for us both."She said.
"Thank you."He replied.
"Did you bring anything to sleep in?"She asked.
"Oh, umm, yes I did."
"We should probably get ready for bed then. I'm going to change in the bathroom, you can change in here."
With that, she went into the bathroom as he began to remove his clothes. He couldn't believe he was about to share a bed with her. He'd never shared a bed with any woman before. His mind was racing with newfound anxieties, worrying that he'd talk in his sleep, snore, roll around too much, or find another creative way to humiliate himself. At the same time, he was also trying to contain his excitement as something inside him was burning.
"You're going to sleep in that?"Theda asked, exiting the bathroom.
"This is what I always sleep in,"He said, slightly embarrassed as he glanced down at his plain black robes which were not all that different from his day clothes.
"They don't look very comfortable,"She said, laughing as she reached out to touch them, gently rubbing the slightly scratchy fabric between her finger and thumb.
"It's fine,"He said as his eyes made their way up and down her body. She was wearing an ivory-colored satin nightgown, which clung to her curves in the most mesmerizing way.
"Suit yourself, then."She said as she slipped into bed."Are you going to join me?"She said patting the empty side of the bed with her left hand.
"I-I'm just going to use the restroom first,"He said, excusing himself.
He spent twice as long brushing his teeth as he normally would, obsessively trying to freshen his breath as his mind conjured up a montage of embarrassing scenarios, each more unlikely than the last, though they all felt like real possibilities to him. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror on the way out, which did nothing to quiet his insecurities. When he returned, he awkwardly slipped into bed beside her, unsure of what to do next.
"Do you mind if I keep the light on for a bit?"Theda asked."I'm not too tired yet so I thought I'd do some reading."
"Excellent idea,"He said awkwardly, feeling slightly relieved. Having never shared a bed with a woman before, he hadn't known what Theda's expectations would be of him."What are you reading?"
"Jane Eyre,"She said."It's my favorite book. I read it at the beginning of every year, but I'm feeling a little impatient, so... I thought I'd get started on it a little early this time around."
"I've heard of it, of course, although I must admit I'm not familiar with the premise. I don't read much fiction, let alone muggle fiction,"He said, interestedly."But it must be good if you read it every year."
"I think it's the greatest love story ever told."
"That's an awfully bold claim. What makes it so special?"
"Well, what I think makes it truly special is the fact that it's not merely a story about the love between a man and a woman, but also the love between a woman and herself. Especially a woman in a world in which the odds are stacked against her from the moment the midwife says, 'It's a girl'! The Brontë sisters were so ahead of their time in terms of their ideas of self-love and self-respect for women."
He arched an eyebrow as he eyed the cover.
"The Brontës were from Haworth if I'm not mistaken?"
Theda nodded enthusiastically.
"My cousin Blanche's house is just a short walk away from their former home, which is a museum now."
"You'll have to show me around some time,"He said, yawning softly as he relaxed his body a little more, sinking deeper into the bed.
"I'd love that! Would you like to read it with me? I can read to you, or we can take turns, or..."
She stopped mid-sentence as she caught his eye. A small smile had crept onto his face, his thoughts so caught up in how beautiful she looked in the dim lighting.
"I'd love to,"He said, scooting a little closer to her. As his eyes wandered down toward the book in her lap, they couldn't help but linger along the way as he noticed the slight outline of her nipples underneath her satin nightgown. His eyes lingered for only a second or two, as he felt bad for looking and did his best to pull his attention towards the book she was holding open for him.
"'There was no possibility of taking a walk that day...'"Theda began to read aloud. Severus found his interest surprisingly piqued as he listened to the story of the poor orphaned child sent to live with her wicked aunt and spoiled cousin. He closed his eyes as he listened, his heart aching slightly as the story began to remind him more and more of Harry.
Eventually, after fighting to stay awake through several chapters, Severus lost the battle and began to doze off. Theda closed the book and set it on the nightstand before turning off the bedside lamp and pulling the covers up around herself as she too began to fade.
The next morning, Theda woke to the sound of Severus' gentle snores as the sun began to peek through the curtains. She spent a few minutes just watching him, taking note of every little sound, every scrunching of his brow, wondering what it was he was dreaming of. A slight smile crept across her face as she observed that he was a much heavier sleeper than she'd imagined. This was something she'd been missing for so long - all the seemingly insignificant, yet precious moments of getting to know a partner's quirks, habits, and flaws.
She slowly slipped out of bed, taking care not to wake him as she quietly snuck into the bathroom with her silk bag.
A few minutes later, Severus began to stir, stretching his arms before yawning and rubbing his eyes. As his pupils adjusted to the light, he began to recall the events of the previous night; the graveyard, the doe, the kiss, the pensive, the book, the nightgown...
"Miss Desmond?"He spoke confusedly as he looked around the room for some sign of her.
"I'll be out in a minute!"She shouted.
Severus began to blush as he realized she was in the bathroom, this being a level of intimacy he'd never experienced with anyone.
"I told you before,"She said as she cracked open the door,"You can call me Theda, you know."
"I still prefer 'Miss Desmond,'"he muttered."It feels more... respectful."
She rolled her eyes, though she actually felt quite touched by his words.
"Come in here,"She urged.
"What? Why?"He asked in bewilderment.
"Do you trust me?"She responded.
"...Well, yes, but..."
She marched over to the bedside, taking his hand and yanking him out of bed with a mischievous smile. She dragged him to the bathroom, holding open the door to reveal the large claw foot tub overflowing with bubbles.
"What's this about?"He asked nervously.
"An idea I had yesterday when we were at Spinner's End. I wanted to do something special, and, well... We're going to make up for lost time. There are too many things you've missed out on and we're going to remedy that over the next few days. Now, get in the tub."
"You know, I have taken a bath before,"He said, sounding slightly offended.
"I know that, smartass."She teased."Just get in. I'll wait in the bedroom until you're ready for me to come in. Into the room, I mean. Not the bath. And don't worry, I charmed the tub so that the bubbles don't pop. I won't see anything."
She could see the hesitation and confusion in his face as he made his way into the bathroom.
"Just trust me,"She reminded him as she closed the door.
After a few minutes, he called for her, and she entered the bathroom, once again carrying her silk bag with her. She noticed that he had neatly folded his discarded clothes and set them on the countertop, which made her quietly laugh. He was so meticulous, and she found it very cute.
"Are you going to fill me in on what kind of wicked game this is? I don't like surprises, you know."
"Yes, but I do."She laughed."Relax your shoulders."
"I thought they were relaxed."He said, a hint of frustration in his voice.
"This is exactly why we're doing this. You're in a constant state of tension and you don't even realize it."She said as she gently tapped his shoulders with her fingertips, prompting him to drop them a little lower."Here, drink this. Draught of Peace. To help you relax."She said as she handed him a potion from her bag."Who does your hair?"She asked curiously.
"Excuse me?"
"Who does your hair?"She reiterated as if it were a perfectly normal thing to ask.
"I do my own hair, obviously. Why? What are you implying?"
"Nothing, I was just wondering if you've ever been to a hairdresser."
"No, I haven't."
"What about when you were a kid?"
Severus paused for a moment before responding.
"I did it myself then too. As I've told you, my parents weren't really the attentive, doting type."
"It's just as I thought."She said as she rifled through her bag.
"What?"
"You've never had anyone wash your hair."
"So?"
"Well, that means you've never had a scalp massage, which is absolutely unacceptable. That's like a basic human right."
Severus said nothing, clearly at a loss for words as he nervously sank deeper into the tub, taking a swig of the potion. She lightly poured some of the warm bath water over the top of his head before pouring the contents of a small vial into her hands and lathering it up.
"This is my own hair care potion. It's like a shampoo, conditioner, and scalp treatment all in one. It's the only thing I ever use."She said as she began gently massaging it into his hair. As she did so, she slowly combed his scalp with her nails, sending goosebumps down the back of his neck as he let out a small, involuntary moan.
Finally, the remaining tension in his shoulders disappeared and he closed his eyes, savoring the sensation. He'd never known how good it could feel to be touched.
As she continued, he couldn't help but wonder what it would have been like to have a mother who cared for him this way. A mother who helped him wash his hair, cooked him his favorite dinners, read with him before bed, and listened when he needed to talk. He remembered how gentle and patient Theda had been with Neville Longbottom and wondered if perhaps it would have been something like their dynamic.
"There. Was that so bad?"She asked, bringing him back to earth as she started to rinse his hair.
"No. No, it wasn't bad at all..."
"See? I told you to trust me."She said, packing the potions back into her bag."Take as long as you want. When you're done, we're going out."
"Where are we going?"
"Oh, come on, Severus. You know I can't tell you."
"You enjoy torturing me, don't you?"
"I really do."She said, kissing his cheek before leaving the room.
He remained in the bath, feeling completely relaxed until the effects of the potion started wearing off. When he was done he dressed himself and met her back in the bedroom. The older woman from the front desk brought them their breakfast shortly after, which they enjoyed at the little table by the window.
"Ready to go?"Theda asked as he cleared the table with a flick of his wand and stepped into his shoes.
"As ready as I'll ever be, I suppose."
She offered him her hand, and as he took it they disapparated instantly. They arrived in a lively town with many shops and restaurants, though he could tell it was a historic area as evidenced by the uneven cobblestone streets and Victorian architecture.
"Where are we?"He asked as he looked around."I don't know this place."
"A little muggle village outside of Leeds that I'm quite fond of."
"What could possibly be interesting about a muggle village?"He retorted.
"You'll see. It'll be fun!"
They walked hand-in-hand, Theda leading the way, until they arrived at a store with finely dressed mannequins in the windows.
"Can't have you wearing those dirty clothes after that bath,"She said, leading him into the store.
"I used a cleaning charm!"He insisted.
"Even so, it wouldn't hurt for you to have more than one outfit."
"I wouldn't know where to start in a store like this... there's too many options."
"That's why you have me."She said, grabbing a few different dress shirts off a wrack. They continued around the store in a clockwise fashion, Theda occasionally grabbing a pair of trousers or a nice set of robes.
She had him try on several outfits, all of which he was surprised to find suited him quite well.
"Okay, one more outfit,"She said, handing him a dark green sweater, dark grey trousers, and a black pair of oxfords. Once he had changed he emerged from the dressing room, Theda clapping as she drank him in.
"It's even better than I envisioned! Come look in the mirror!"
He did so, feeling uncomfortably on display in the middle of the store. She stood behind him, straightening out his sweater so that the seams were resting properly on his shoulders.
"What do you think?"
"I was a little skeptical about the sweater, but I actually think it looks pretty good."
"More than 'pretty good' if you ask me."She said, wrapping her arms around his waist, hugging him from behind as she looked at their reflection."You look very handsome."
"Handsome?"He asked with a slight scoff."I don't know about that."
She tightened her arms around him.
"You're very handsome, Severus. With or without the sweater."
He said nothing, but Theda caught a slight smile in the mirror as he looked down at the shoes.
"I think you should wear that for the rest of the day."She said, still admiring his reflection.
"If that is my lady's command."He said teasingly.
"It is."She said, gathering the rest of the clothes and taking them up to the register."I also picked out a nice smoking jacket for you and some loose-fitting pajamas so you have something more comfortable to sleep in."
"What are you doing?"He asked as she pulled out her wallet.
She gave him a confused look.
"One customarily exchanges currency for goods and services,"She said sarcastically.
"You won't be exchanging any of your currency,"He said, retrieving his own wallet and handing the money to the man behind the desk.
"I was going to buy these for you! They're meant to be a gift!"
"The effort you put into choosing them for me is gift enough. I don't want you spending your money on me."
She hesitated a moment, tempted to argue the matter further, but ultimately decided against it.
"Alright, I'll let it go this time,"She said, tucking all the clothes in her silk bag."But don't expect me to give up so easily in the future."
"I'd expect nothing less from someone almost as stubborn as me,"He said, lightly placing his arm around her waist."I'm going to wear the coat out as well. It looks like it's starting to snow."
"Oh, one more thing!"She said as they exited the store.
She pulled out a scarf with black and gray stripes and wrapped it loosely around his neck.
"Perfect."
They continued exploring the town over the next few days, stopping for breakfast at different cafes and teashops each morning before venturing into bookshops, museums, and antique stores. Theda allowed him to take the lead as he roamed through gardens, alleys, and storefronts to his heart's content, actually quite enjoying himself, and she went through several rolls of film as she documented all of it.
They rented another little cottage, this time with two bedrooms, though they didn't need it. Each day, before allowing him to take the lead, Theda would insist he partake in one juvenile activity or another, such as building snowmen, decorating gingerbread houses, or helping her decorate the little tree she'd arranged in the corner of the sitting room. As idiotic as it all felt to him, he was actually touched that she was willing to share her own traditions with him and that she was so insistent on introducing him to things he'd missed out on as a child.
One day she presented him with tickets to see a live production of A Christmas Carol, which was incredibly cheesy, with over-the-top acting, horribly catchy songs, and low-budget special effects that made it unintentionally very funny.
In the evening they'd stroll along residential streets in search of garish Christmas light displays before making their way back to the cottage. Theda would struggle with the television set, ignorantly smashing every button on the remote until eventually finding the one that changed the channel while Severus just watched her become increasingly frustrated, which amused him greatly. When she'd finally find a channel airing classic black and white Christmas movies she'd get started on cooking dinner, insisting that she didn't need Severus' help and that he'd just be in the way, all the while not seeming to notice him following close behind her, quietly cleaning after her as she went.
Every night, like clockwork, there would come a knock on the door, and every night it would be the same group of carolers, each time with a different song. Severus would remain in the armchair by the fire, feigning disinterest, but Theda would eagerly applaud the children before leaving them with a generous tip, unknowingly handing them a £50 note the first night, which then prompted a stern lecturing from Severus as he gave her a crash course in muggle currency. On the third night, Theda caught him repeatedly peeking out the window when it was getting to be that time, growing increasingly agitated by the carolers' lateness. She informed him that it was Christmas Eve and that they probably wouldn't be coming, at which he once again feigned disinterest, though he couldn't help grumbling something about how they should have made an exception after Theda had given them so much money.
Once they'd gotten settled in the bed each night, Severus now wearing the silk pajamas she'd picked for him, they'd continue reading Jane Eyre, which Theda could tell Severus was thoroughly enjoying, though he made no mention of it.
On Christmas morning, they decided to make a big breakfast, enjoying the warmth of the kitchen as the snow fell outside. Severus made sausage butties and baked beans, and Theda made Silvia's famous spiced hashbrowns and cranberry orange muffins. They spent all day just lazing around by the fire after Theda's insisting that they make a fort out of pillows and blankets. They found a stack of puzzles and games in the bedroom closet, which provided them with hours of entertainment as they drank mug after mug of eggnog, the buzz it provided making Theda extra giddy with Christmas cheer.
"This has been a lovely week,"Severus admitted as Theda refilled both their mugs."As I'm sure you've surmised, I don't usually celebrate Christmas, and I've never taken a holiday before either. And, well... I wanted to thank you for doing so much for me and trying to make it special."
"What do you mean, 'trying'? Are you going to say I didn't succeed in making it special?"
"I just meant that all of the effort you put in was, well... Unnecessary. It would have been special regardless because I got to spend it with you."
Theda's face scrunched up in discomfort as she absorbed his cliche remark, but the enthusiasm quickly returned to her features as she abruptly changed the topic.
"There's still more to come,"She smiled."I have one more surprise in store."
