Author's Note: I'm basically just using this to promote the discord server at this point. Send me a message if you're interested in it!
January 2010
Monica stared at the wall as she counted down the seconds until her pumping session ended. She had been discharged from the hospital the day after she had given birth. But her daughter wouldn't be coming home with her. Dani would have to stay at the NICU for at least the next few weeks. She was too small to eat on her own and the nurses had to place a feeding tube. Leaving her at the hospital was the hardest thing Monica ever had to do.
Monica and Chandler would try to visit the hospital every day. She kept telling herself it would get easier once Jack and Erica were back in school. Monica would spend the mornings in the hospital while Chandler stayed home with the twins and then Chandler would switch with her in the afternoons. Every morning she would have to miss spending time with Jack and Erica. And then after lunch she would have to leave Dani. All the while she was still recovering from the birth itself, where her hormones were all over the place. Her milk was also starting to come in, but since Dani was too small for breast feeding, it meant she had to pump, which was a whole ordeal. She would schedule times for pumping throughout the whole day and would label each container before putting it in the freezer. She would then bring it to the hospital so that they could feed Dani. She hated pumping. She would have to sit there for 15-20 minutes, every 2-3 hours, while this weird machine would pull and squeeze on her breasts just to get a tiny amount of milk. The first time she pumped, she looked at the container and was shocked to see how little milk was actually produced.
"An ounce?" she said. "All that work and all I got out was an ounce?"
"Well," Chandler looked at his phone. "It looks like the average amount of milk produced each session can range from half an ounce to four ounces."
"Four ounces!" Monica exclaimed. "So there are women out there producing four times as much milk as me?"
"Honey, it's not a competition," Chandler said.
"It is to me!" Monica and then looked down at her chest. "You two have some work to do."
The timer finally went off and Monica sighed. Every time she would pump, it was like she was filled with this sense of dread. She talked to Dr. Carter about these strange moments and was told it was likely dysphoric milk ejection reflex or D-MER. Dr. Carter explained that during milk letdown, there is a sudden decrease in certain hormones and this could lead to sudden and strong negative feelings. It only tends to last for a few minutes, but it can be a very intense few minutes. Unfortunately, there is no real treatment for it. Monica would just have to wait for the feeling to pass.
Monica turned off the pump and looked at the container. She had produced two full ounces of breast milk. It was a huge relief that she was finally producing more milk. She tried to stand up as she held the container in her hand. Unfortunately, her leg had fallen asleep and she lost her balance. She watched in horror as the container slipped out of her hand and hit the floor. The top flew off and all of her hard work spilled onto the floor. She practically fell to her knees and let out a sob.
Chandler came running in as he heard her scream and she wasn't sure what he was expecting to find when he heard her cry out, but it probably wasn't Monica sobbing over a puddle of breast milk.
"Hey," Chandler knelt down next to her as she broke down. "It's okay, honey. There's no reason to cry over spilled milk."
Monica just sobbed ever louder. "That's the worst joke you've ever told!"
"Really," Chandler said. "That's the worst joke. I'm sure I've said much worse."
"No," Monica threw her arms around him and buried her head in his chest. "I worked so hard on that bottle! I finally produced two ounces! And now I can't even use it!"
"I'm sorry," Chandler said as he rubbed her back.
"I hate this," Monica said as she rubbed her eyes. She wasn't talking about the milk anymore.
"I hate it too," Chandler said.
"I mean, she's all alone right now and I feel so guilty whenever I'm here, but then when I'm at the hospital I feel guilty because I don't get to see the twins, and now I feel like I never see you."
"I know," Chandler said. "But remember, she has all those wonderful nurses and doctors taking care of her. And the nurses told me that she is the cutest baby there."
"Well of course she's the cutest baby!" Monica said.
Chandler grinned at her, before placing his hands on her cheeks and wiping away her tears. "This all sucks, but we'll get through it."
"How do you know?"
"Because I'm on your team."
"And my team always wins," She looked up at him.
"And your team always wins." He leaned down and kissed her gently. "Why don't you go take a nice, long bath. I think it'll help you relax and forget all about this stupid milk.
"Okay," Monica said. A bath sounded nice. It would be a good distraction.
She turned on the water and watched slowly as it filled up the bathtub. Grabbing her favorite soaps and salts, she poured them into the water and then removed her clothes. She stepped into the bathtub, the water was much hotter than how she normally liked it, but she found herself not caring as she sank into the water. Her skin was already turning a slight shade of pink. She watched as the water swirled around in the bathtub, while her own thoughts swirled in her mind. She kept thinking about Dani, all alone in the hospital, with all those different wires and tubes attached to her. She thought about the night her water broke. Maybe she stood up too quickly, maybe she should have walked slower, maybe she should have been more careful. Then maybe, she wouldn't have gone into early labor and she wouldn't be stuck in this mess. Maybe it really was her fault that her baby was stuck all alone in the NICU.
She couldn't stop the tears from flowing. It felt like everything made her cry now. All these guilty thoughts were stuck in her head, almost like they were screaming at her. She buried her head in her hands, trying to desperately ignore the voices, but they were too loud. Her thoughts finally went quiet when she heard another voice.
"Monica?" Chandler whispered her name as he knelt down. "Honey, you've been in here a really long time."
"Have I?" Monica asked softly. She hadn't realized how much time had passed. She hadn't even realized that Chandler had walked into the bathroom.
"Yeah," Chandler said as his hand reached down to touch the water. "The water is pretty cool now."
"Is it? I hadn't noticed…" She found herself staring off into the distance again. The thoughts in her head started to swirl again.
"Hey," Chandler said. "Come back to me."
Monica could feel his hand brushing her cheek as she turned her head slowly to look at him. She saw the concern written all over his face. She reached out and grabbed onto his hand, finally finding the strength to push the voices away.
"I'm so tired, Chandler." She said.
"I know," he said. "Let's go to bed, okay?"
"But I have to pump again in a couple of hours," Monica said as she blinked back tears. God, she was turning into Rachel.
"Well, why don't you take tonight off?"
"I can't," Monica said. "I need to make sure I have enough to bring to the hospital tomorrow. But whenever I do pump, my hormones go crazy and it feels like the world is ending."
"Okay," Chandler said. "How about this? When it's time for your next session, you wake me up."
"I don't want to wake you up for that."
"I don't mind," Chandler said. "Maybe it would be better if someone else was there. I could tell you all about the new dad jokes I've been working on."
"New dad jokes?"
"Yeah, we have a brand new baby at the start of a new decade. I gotta keep up with the times."
Monica couldn't help but laugh, which made Chandler beam.
"Okay, let's go to bed."
He slowly helped her out of the bathtub and then wrapped her in a big fluffy towel. Monica let him pull her into the bedroom. She threw on one of his sweatshirts and a pair of underwear before burying herself under the covers. Chandler wrapped herself tightly around him, latching onto him like an anchor. He brushed his lips against her temple as she relaxed into him. Those voices were quiet again, and she intended to keep it that way.
Every day, Dani was growing a little more and getting stronger. Her hair was starting to grow, she only had a few wisps of hair when she was born. Now she had dark, thick hair, that looked exactly like Monica's. And she was starting to open her eyes more. Most premature babies had very sensitive eyes, so it would normally take a few weeks before they would really be able to look around. One day as Monica was holding her, she saw Dani open her eyes. And Monica saw the brightest shade of blue, just like the sky. She gasped as Dani looked at her.
"What is it?" Chandler asked.
"Oh," Monica said. "She has your eyes, Chandler."
She watched as Chandler smiled as he looked at his daughter.
"She still doesn't really do anything," Erica said as she looked down at her sister.
"Remember Erica," Monica said. "Babies mostly just sleep and eat when they're this little."
"But when will she start talking?" Erica asked.
"I don't know." Monica said. "You two were over a year old before you started talking."
"Oh! What was my first word?" Erica asked excitedly.
"It was up," Monica smiled.
"Up? Really?"
"You wanted your daddy to carry you around everywhere."
"What was my first word?" Jack asked.
"Duck!" Chandler said quickly. "You're first word was definitely duck."
"Nice save," Monica whispered to him.
It was starting to feel like they were stuck in a loop. This never ending cycle of traveling back and forth from the hospital. She was exhausted. She just wanted to bring her daughter home. She was at the hospital so often that she knew most of the nurses at this point. And some of the other parents who were also visiting their babies. Monica would hear these stories that would break her heart into a million pieces. Babies who were born so early that they didn't even weigh two pounds. Or babies that had to have surgery when they were only a few days old. Monica would feel incredibly guilty after talking to these parents. How could she complain about being in the NICU when her baby was healthy and even starting to eat on her own? When these other parents have been here for months and their babies would have to stay even longer. Monica would come home physically and emotionally exhausted after those days.
One day, when Monica finally made it back home after visiting Dani in the hospital. She opened the door and was practically thrown onto the couch by Ross and Joey. She landed next to Chandler, who looked like he was being held hostage by Rachel and Phoebe.
"What the hell!" Monica exclaimed. "What are you doing?"
"We need to talk," Rachel said.
"I don't know if you guys have heard of these things called cell phones," Chandler started. "But it makes talking to each other a lot easier…and a lot less threatening."
"Look this was the only way we knew we could really get your attention." Ross said.
"For what?" Monica said.
"You two need a night off," Rachel said. "You both are running on fumes traveling back and forth from the hospital and it looks like you're about to crack."
"Yeah you look like shit," Phoebe added.
"Thanks Pheebs, I really appreciate it." Chandler said.
"Oh come on, Chandler." Phoebe said. "The only reason I'm so hard on you is because I know you can actually handle it."
"Really?"
"Yeah! Can you imagine if I talked to Ross like this. He'd crack like an egg!"
"Hey!" Ross said.
"I mean it's true," Joey added.
"Can we please get back on topic," Rachel said. "We're not saying this to be mean we're saying this because you both look exhausted."
"We can handle a baby," Monica crossed her arms. "We had to take care of two at the same time and we did fine with that!"
"Yeah, but you didn't have a baby in the NICU," Ross said. "None of us have gone through that before. And I can't imagine how hard it must be."
"Look," Joey said. "I grew up with seven sisters. The only way my parents got through taking care of eight kids was by relying on friends and family to help out. So…let us help out."
"We can handle Jack and Erica for a night." Rachel said. "You two can go out and do something fun for once."
Monica sighed as she looked at Chandler. Their friends were right. They were both exhausted and barely hanging on at this point.
"Okay," she finally said. "We'll take tonight off."
The next issue was trying to figure out what to do. Neither one of them had the energy to plan some big fancy date. So after scrambling around for a bit, they end up finding a pizza place nearby. It's nothing fancy, but the food looks good and they can sit in a quiet place and relax for a couple of hours. Monica practically inhaled the pizza, realizing that she really couldn't remember the last time she actually sat down and ate a meal. She looked over at Chandler, who was mostly picking at his food.
"Are you not hungry?" Monica said.
"I guess not," he said.
"We could go somewhere else if you want something different." She said.
"No it's fine," Chandler said. "It's like everyone else said, I'm just tired."
Monica could see the dark circles under his eyes. He hadn't been shaving as often either and she could see the stubble growing on his face. She used to constantly make fun of him for the stupid goatee when they were younger but now she found herself wanting to reach out and let her hand brush his cheek. Wondering how the stubble would feel against her hand, her neck, the inside of her thighs…oh god she had to stop. Or else they were going to get kicked out of the restaurant. They got away with it in Central Perk, she didn't think they would get so lucky again.
They finished eating their pizza. Monica looked at her phone and groaned when she saw the time.
"Time to pump?" Chandler asked.
"Yeah," Monica said. "It's probably time to head back anyway."
They make it back home in time to tuck Jack and Erica in. Monica then sat on the couch and told Chandler that she would take a quick little break before heading upstairs to pump. Chandler sat beside her and said that he would wait for her as well.
Instead, they ended up falling asleep on the couch. With Monica burying her head into his chest and their hands intertwined.
Author's Note: Thank you again for reading and commenting. It really helps motivate me.
