PS7

John waited as both the squad and engine pulled away for their call. Soon, very soon, he would feel the adrenaline rush and know he was helping someone and saving them.

########

Eating breakfast with the DeSoto's John could hardly wait to be alone with his best friend. Roy really had to know what was going on and how his one chance meant everything to him.

"You okay Johnny?" Roy smiled at his friend.

"Huh, you say something?" John looked confused.

The children laughed and Joanne glared at them. "Are you done?"

"Yes Mommy," both children said.

"Fine, please get ready for school," Joanne stood up and started clearing the table.

However, the fallen paramedic looked at the huge stacks of books on the table. His future was in those books and he hoped he remembered everything. Suddenly returning to his old life seemed overwhelming along with the responsibilities. Would he be up to the task?

Roy watched as Johnny's stare focused on the manuals on the table. He had found his and culled them from Dr. Brackett at Rampart. He wasn't sure if the doctor would help him or not. He remembered the day, right before Gage was suspended pending investigation.

"So," Brackett watched as John brought in their latest victim. "You sure you're in the right place." Brackett's eyes seemed to be burning into John's back.

"Look Doc, I don't care what you think he said or didn't say," Johnny pointed to himself. "But I know the truth."

"Well truth is relative," Kell stated. "Everyone has their own truth Johnny, and self preservation is one of them."

"Well I hate to burst your bubble, doc. But," Johnny pointed to himself, "victims come first and if you haven't figured that out about me by now, you never will." He turned on his heel leaving the doctor speechless.

"So I say we start running," Roy smiled as he looked over the manuals, "I got some second-hand weights and we go from there. Besides I could get back in better shape, you know." He punched his ever growing belly.

Johnny flipped through one of the books and was still caught up in his future.

"Hey Johnny," Roy tried again seeing the glazed look on his former partner.

"Hey Junior!" DeSoto tapped Gage on the shoulder making him jump.

"All right Johnny just what the hell is going on?" Roy leaned forward looking at his lost friend.

"Roy, it's just…" Gage closed the book. "Am I doing the right thing?"

"The right thing? God, Johnny you were born to be a paramedic. You can do this. I know you can," Roy said softly.

"All righty then. Let's hit the books," Gage smiled making Roy feel better.

#########

Over the next few weeks, Roy and John would climb out of bed and run through the neighborhood. Roy could barely keep up with his former partner as they ran. More often then not, he was winded and would take breaks. However, he noticed John's confidence increasing and Gage's knowledge coming back.

Coming back one morning, Roy noticed John's long hair dripping and his back soaking wet. John's hair had seemed too grown longer along with his mustache and beard.

"So tell me when you're going to get this cut?" DeSoto picked up a lock of hair and felt the weight of sweat on it, even though Johnny had tied it back.

"Later, when I need to," John took a long drink of water and avoided Roy's question. His hair could wait until at least he knew he had passed the two tests.

"Believe me Johnny getting it cut will make life easier. I never understood why you kept it long in the first place and . . ."

Gage frowned. "You didn't know? C'mon Roy chicks dug my long hair and . . ." Hunched over John was loathe to admit it, but his little nest egg was fast dwindling.

"You know Johnny I need to go to my barber tomorrow after shift want to come with me?" Roy smiled knowing his friend didn't have much money.

"Um, I won't be a bother Roy? I mean I'm eating your food and living here and I'm not doing anything and . . ."

"Not doing anything? Johnny you know how much yard work you've done? You worked on the roof and too many things to name. Now look if you're so worried you can pay me back after you're on your feet, kay?" Roy tried to set his friends mind at ease.

"All right Roy, but I'm thinking of keeping the mustache you know. That's allowed, with my hair high and tight I got to do something," Johnny grinned.

"Hum, you with a mustache. We'll see partner we'll see," Roy grinned.

#########

Roy quickly changed noting the few extra notches he had to tighten on his pants, yes running and exercising was paying off. Joanne had even noticed his extra energy. However, he had never seen Johnny with so much doubt.

"Hey you're looking good," Marco smiled as Roy leaned against Big Red.

"Well," Roy blushed, "It's because of Johnny." He was proud of his friend.

"Gage?" Chet snickered, "What did he do this time?"

"Well he got me in shape for one thing," DeSoto patted on Kelly's protruding belly. "We're up every morning at five running and then on my days off we do weights. Johnny's using the kids to train with when I'm not there."

"Well that's great Roy," Stanley came in. "I think we should follow Roy's example since you never know when you'll need it. And no more weird diet kicks Chet," Cap warned the lineman.

"Very funny Cap. I was only looking out for your health," Chet griped.

It was a long, normal shift. Roy's mind was on his friend and he needed some way to boost his friend's failing ego.

At dinner he had decided. "Hey guys, we're going to throw a welcome home barbecue for Johnny in a few weeks, interested?" Roy felt his stomach turn as he waited for an answer.

Five sets of eyes looked at him.

"Count me in," Marco piped up.

"Yeah I want to torture my pigeon," Chet laughed.

The rest of the crew chimed in, even Brice. "That's great, really great," Roy smiled. Now if I can get Johnny to go for it.

##########

Roy frowned as he came into the house. Johnny was hunched over the books and Joanne was doing laundry.

"Hey Roy," Johnny got up and stretched. "Rough shift?"

"Um, not really. Let me get some coffee," Roy made his way to the kitchen and poured himself some coffee and then returned to the dining room.

"So how's it going?" Roy picked up one of the manuals.

"Hard. Harder then when I first tested, you know," Gage shrugged; at least then he had more chances. "It's just . . ." He swiped his hand away, "Never mind."

"What Johnny?" Roy took a sip of coffee.

"One chance, Roy. One frickin' chance and then what?" Johnny slammed the book closed.

"There are other paramedic programs Johnny. Orange County, San Diego. You've been cleared remember?" Roy tried to bring a bright side up.

"Yeah, think any of them will have me?" Johnny's jaw tightened. "Not like I'll get any glowing recommendations, you know.'

"Yeah Johnny you're one damn fine paramedic, why else do you think I wanted you as my partner, huh?" Roy laughed.

"Yeah, well you didn't know what you were getting into and would you stop Joanne already?" Gage took another book and opened it, turned another page on his notebook and poised his pencil ready to write.

"Stop what?" Roy was clueless.

"She's trying to fix me up Roy. Can't she at least wait until I'm hired?" Johnny grinned.

"Yeah I'll talk to her. Um, Johnny I was thinking of inviting the guys over for a barbecue and . . ."

"Sure Roy tell me and I get out of the way and . . ."

"Johnny it's for you," Roy blurted out and blushed.

"Huh? The guys want to see me?" Johnny was shocked. "But after all that's happened?" Gage could remember the reporters at the station bothering the firefighters and the court battle where it seemed only Roy had shown up.

"Yeah Johnny. Since you're going to be working again and . . ."

"I don't know if that's such a good idea Roy," Johnny chewed on the end of his pencil. "I mean I only got a short time to study and train and . . ." Gage gulped. "Maybe better wait until I pass, 'kay?"

"Johnny you got to take a break, you're worrying yourself to death. It's only a barbecue. The guys have been dying to see you and well," Roy threw up his hands. "I can't say no."

"Roy . . ." Johnny grinned. "All right as long as it's just the guys, you know the usual gang. Even your partner."

"Okay Johnny, promise," Roy patted Gage on the shoulder, relieved he had agreed.

#######

"Hey Johnny, what happened to the hair?" Chet zoomed on Gage's new haircut.

"Well for one thing, Chet," Johnny said with authority, "it's not so hot when you fight fires, along with exercising, you know." Gage took another sip of his beer, quelling his ever growing fears.

"Well I'm still with in regulation, right Cap?" Kelly looked to his superior for assurance.

"If you say so Chet; we'll see what McConkiee says next time we see him," Hank gave a wicked grin to John.

"Um, if you'll excuse me," Chet departed quickly.

"Thanks Cap. I forgot how Chet can get on my nerves," Johnny exhaled and looked at his old friends.

"My pleasure John. How have you been? I know you've been getting Roy into shape; he's running us all ragged," Hank laughed.

"Well I'm going to get another beer," Johnny walked over to the cooler to pull out some more beer when Mike's wife came over. Gage had noticed Roy was at the grill and his stomach grumbled in protest.

"Hello Mr. Gage," Janine Stocker offered her hand. "I guess we haven't been formally introduced."

"Johnny, my friends call me Johnny," Gage offered his hand and she took it firmly. He hadn't had a chance to talk to the new wife since the guys had ganged up on him when he came outside with the munchies.

"You know Roy said Mike said I introduced you but to be really honest I can't remember you," Johnny gave his goofy grin and continued to try to remember where he had met her. He could tell she was intelligent, pretty and sociable, but for the life of him he couldn't remember because personally he would have asked her out.

"Well not really," Janine blushed, "I was at your apartment . . ."

"You're a neighbor then?" Johnny popped his beer.

"No," she shook her head, her golden locks reflected in the hot summer sun. "This is so embarrassing."

Then it hit, a sucker punch to the gut. She was the reporter who was banging on his door, when the plaintiff wasn't getting enough action from the county or the fire department and went straight to the press. It had been a horrible shift with too many fires and rescues to mention, he had been totally exhausted when this damned reporter wouldn't leave him alone, she needed a damn quote. Mike had shown up and tried to stall her.

Johnny felt his chest constrict and he couldn't breathe. Mike had married her! Suddenly he couldn't stay; he needed some air. Finding Roy behind the grill he made his way over, each step painful.

"Roy, man," Johnny huffed. "I got to get out of here."

Roy turned to see Gage ashen faced. "Johnny? You okay?"

"No, can't stay I need some air," Johnny looked at all the faces and the past came slamming into him. The past year of fighting for his professional life swirled around him like some firestorm.

"Johnny," Roy tried to grab Johnny's forearm as he quickly walked through the house to the garage.

"Joanne, honey could you watch the burgers, please," Roy handed her the spatula and quickly ran after Gage. He found Gage already on his motorcycle with the color drained from his face.

"Roy I'm sorry man," Johnny inhaled. "Just can't do it. Promise I'll be back." Gage pushed himself and his bike away from Roy, started it up and burned rubber leaving, each mile separating Gage from all the hurtful memories.

Roy stormed into the backyard, looked at the responsible person, and his chin fell on his chest. Turning the hamburgers he no longer had an appetite for, he put them on a platter and practically threw them on the picnic table.

"Burgers are ready," DeSoto growled, turned abruptly through the open screen door and found himself in the kitchen. Holding tightly to the sink, he slowly cursed at himself.

Joanne found her husband, white knuckled in the kitchen.

"Roy," her voice tinged with concern and worry.

"How could I have been so stupid?" Roy shook his head. "I mean, I'm supposed to be his friend."

"Roy, honey, it was an honest mistake. She's . . . she's Mike's wife and Johnny hasn't been around. He'll forgive you honey, you know Johnny," Joanne said hopefully.

"I know babe but can I forgive myself?" Roy wrapped his arms around Joanne and they held each other tightly as their guests ate in restrained silence.

########

Johnny was on an overlook over Griffith Park in the foothills. He had parked his bike next to bench, folding his long legs to his chest and held them tightly. Fear, humiliation, grief, anger and hate filled his mind. By the time he had left his precious Rover had been trashed so much it was scrap, he had to move if only for privacy, but it didn't matter where he was, the reporters all seem to find him. The hate mail, along with other unmentionable behaviors needed to be buried deep in his soul, where they had been for the last eighteen months. Getting his ragged breathing under control, he squeezed his eyes and filed away all the hurtful memories, of friends he once trusted who turned on him and of the one thing he loved being torn from him. Shivering, he realized he had no idea how long he had been at the park.

Trying to warm up he knew it was time to go back to the DeSoto's home. The engine warmed him up the cool breeze only made him wish he was in a nice warm bed. Once home, he carefully put his bike in the garage, shut it and went through the garage door quietly. It didn't work.

Roy stood up from the couch looking at his colorless friend.

"Sorry Roy I didn't mean to wake you," a clock chimed two in the background. Even in the moonlight Gage looked horrible.

"It's all right Johnny. I'm really sorry about this . . . I . . ." Roy lifted up his hands in forgiveness.

"Hey Roy it's all right," Johnny brushed one hand away. "I'm real tired. How about we skip our morning run tomorrow—or should I say today," Gage grinned.

"Sure Johnny, I'll see you in the morning. Good night." Roy headed upstairs.

"Good night Roy," John headed towards the guest room.