A/N
Song choice for those wanting it. I wrote this chapter while listening to Tori Amos' Crucify, original and instrumental versions.
/
The barracks were better lit by many windows than Fort William Henry, the constant stream of fresh air and brightness gave Cora and Erin's surroundings a light and easy feel, the sunlight somehow making everything feel cleaner.
Erin knew the heady season of late Summer would soon give way to the chill winds of darker months and the windows would be shuttered against the brash cold. As she looked around at the sun bathed corridor Erin could imagine how dingy and dim Fort Edward would seem then.
She shivered inwardly, making another little red cross in her mind against the cons of staying in this time, there were already so many, and so few ticks in the pros. She reassured herself she was indeed making all the correct and adult decisions, despite that irritating inner voice that kept trying to contradict her every damn choice.
She would do her best to ignore it.
Cora glanced over at her, a look that made Erin suddenly feel as though she was about to be severely interrogated. Erin bore it for a few seconds before grudgingly relenting, knowing she couldn't just continue to try and politely ignore the intense invite for conversation.
"What?" It was a snapped question.
"Nathaniel said you will most likely leave tomorrow," Cora said.
"I guess he knows best." Erin sniffed, feeling reluctant to talk about what would soon come. The back of her mind nagged at the fact that not only had Cora made time for an argument with her father, but to see Nathaniel too, while Erin was still dithering about even seeking out Uncas at all. She would have dearly liked to have Cora's decision making, resolve and strength.
"Will you really return to your home?" Cora's tone held a quality to it that sounded like she was speaking of a great and terrible secret.
"Yes, I believe so." Erin hesitated. "It's hard to explain, but I think I can." She shrugged, knowing Cora wanted to comprehend more and not really knowing where to begin.
"I know you promised to tell me everything..." Cora was reading her like an open book.
Erin winced inwardly at the prospect of having to start at the beginning of this entire story, she didn't feel ready.
Cora let out a sigh, as if deciding to accept a difficult situation. "But Nathaniel said, that there are some things better left unsaid."
Erin fleetingly stumbled in her steps, surprised. "Did he?" She rose an inquiring eyebrow, inwardly thanking Nathaniel for giving her this potential loophole.
"Is he right?" Cora's pace stopped, bringing both women to a standstill.
Erin considered the question with careful thought, not allowing her gut instinct of taking the easy way out to win just yet. "I think in some ways, yes. I don't think I could tell you anything that would be easy to hear or understand." She took a deep breath, knowing she also didn't want to break her promise to someone she thought of as a friend. "But... I will tell you everything if you want, it's a long story, and maybe you'll think a lot less of me afterwards... if you even believe me."
"Then... for my friendship to you, I shall not ask," Cora said, with a firm nod, but she glanced away as though disappointed with the outcome anyway.
Erin felt the elation at her sudden escape of responsibility plummet with Cora's change in mood. "Cora, what is it?" She reached out a hand to touch Cora's arm in concern.
"Can you..." Cora paused, not meeting Erin's eye. "See my future?"
Erin smiled, understanding flooding into her mind. Nathaniel had either said far more than he meant to, or Cora's detective skills of deduction were on fire.
"Yes." The smile stayed on Erin's lips, but she paused, enjoying the teasing just a little as Cora looked at her in astonished wonder. "It's happy and long," she finally conceded with a grin. "Full of love and adventure, a few children too."
Cora blushed furiously, the tip of her nose turning pink with the pleasure of hearing those words. "What of Alice?"
"Alice... Alice, I can't see."
Cora's brow tensed in anxious concern. "Is that a bad omen?"
"No, no, it just means... her future has changed... a lot." Erin studied Cora a moment, wondering if she should tell her about her sister's brush with death, but decided very easily against it. "When she saved us on the cliffs... everything changed. I can't see it anymore." She shrugged, unable to offer more. "Alice's future is her own."
Cora nodded as if this was a good answer.
"Who knows, maybe she will marry Duncan just as she threatened?" Erin gave her companion a side glance of pure mischief.
Cora let out a little burst of surprised laughter. "Alice and Duncan?" She began to laugh again, but then seemed to have a horrible realisation. "You are not serious... are you?!"
"No, I'm just teasing you," Erin said, laughing herself.
Cora gave her a chiding look, but regained her normal calm temperament with ease.
Erin shook her head, still enjoying the amusement of such an idea. "They don't seem like a good fit, too alike in many ways and too different in others. They'd stumble around in polite manners and etiquette for an hour before even having a true conversation about any romantic feelings." Erin did indeed imagine just such a conversation, Duncan fumbling over himself because of Alice's introversion, and Alice quickly growing bored and walking off to find something far more interesting to do. "They both need someone who can let them be themselves, whilst also bringing them out of their shells, if that makes sense?"
Cora made a low noise of understanding, continuing to watch Erin with a steady ruminative look.
"I think Duncan can find that back in England, and Alice... maybe out here with you, she'll find what she needs too." Erin smiled, hoping she was indeed right.
"What of you, Erin?"
"What of me?" Erin echoed the question with a petulance even she didn't like. Talking of the future, her future to be exact, gave her no joy at this present moment.
"Uncas," Cora prompted, knowing she was being deliberately obstinate.
"I can't stay here. My feelings, his feelings, any feelings... I..." Erin faltered, not knowing how to explain any of her thought process. "It would be a gamble both of us could pay dearly for. I don't want to put him through that." She shrugged as if it was easy to speak of, while feeling an intense tightness within her chest. "I gave up everything for what I thought was love in the past, it turned out really badly and hurt a lot of people... I will never do that again." Erin wasn't really sure if she meant she would never take the chance without being sure, or if she truly meant she never intended to fall in love again.
"You urged me to seek adventure once," Cora pushed, "can you not do the same now?"
Erin shook her head, a soft understanding smile in response to Cora's coaxing. "I'm scared of us hating each other in the end," she said, feeling that fear as if icy fingers squeezed all the warmth out of her insides. "If it didn't work, if we didn't work, there'd be no running away, and I'd never get to see my family again if I stayed here. Plus, you know... he'd feel responsible for me, and probably stay by my side even if he didn't like me, he'd come to resent me and I him." Erin knew it was a rambling rebuttal.
Cora's eyebrow rose in clear silent question for a cleaner explanation, but Erin returned this look with one that stubbornly said she had no intention of explaining any of that word salad further.
"I'd have to live with the mess I'd knowingly created." Erin lifted her shoulders in defeat, knowing she had to say more eventually. "Lives I'd destroyed for my own selfish want of... something. He can live a full life here without me, and I can live my life back home. It's the only way that makes any sense."
Cora gave her a look of gentle judgment. "The easy path seems the best choice, but it is often the less rewarding option," Cora pressed, and Erin smiled wanly with a small shake of her head.
"I'm not someone that can just step off the path Cora. I can't believe in just love." She smiled again, a strained thing. "I wish I could, but it's not who I am." That hurt, because it was true. Erin loved the tale of romance, but not the living of it. "Besides..." She lifted her shoulders with a carefree air, dismissing the heaviness her words had held only moments ago. "I don't need any reward, knowing you are all here, that he lives, it's enough."
Cora sighed heavily, her expression easily giving away she knew all about Uncas' side-stepped fate, even if she had never been told of Alice's. It seemed Nathaniel was very canny in his drip feeding of information and, in his own way, caring too, to not burden the woman he loved with such fearful predictions.
"Very well. You know your needs best." Cora eyed Erin, a tender glance that knew the next words may hurt. "Then the only question is, can you bear the parting?"
Erin found she had no answers, only the words her mother used to say when life was unfair: "What will be, will be."
Cora left her outside the rather gloomy entrance to Colonel Munro's rooms with a warm smile and advice to not allow him to bully her.
Erin gave a weak smile and watched after her friend a moment, not feeling much like dealing with Edmund Munro, or anything at all. In fact, Erin would have liked very much to scuttle right back to her bedroom, with its warm inviting soft mattress, and set up a little fort under the sheets with the slogan, 'No Drama Allowed!' scribbled across a piece of paper, denying any of this current atmosphere to enter. Colonel Munro barred from questioning her, Cora not allowed to bring up pesky thoughts, and Uncas not permitted to show his damn handsome face without express written permission!
Why was she being so grumpy? She had to be honest with herself, her mood was foul and her conversation with Cora had only made that fact starker. She abandoned all thoughts of the door and pushed her back against the rough wooden wall, her eyes taking in the scattered candles mounted in front of silver colored tin plates in random places along the corridor, shining like gaudy Christmas tinsel.
'What on earth is wrong with you?!' her conscious mind asked with a childish huff, and her deep subconscious answered. 'He doesn't want to go with you.'
'So?' She almost voiced the word aloud, but instead thumped against the wood with her closed fist in frustration with herself.
She didn't want to stay in this time, she had made that perfectly clear, what right did she have to expect that he'd give everything up for her? That was selfish and unfair, and...
'What you wanted,'' her mind stated soberly.
Erin distractedly began to chew at her fingernail. Is that what she really wanted?
She shook her head with furious conviction.
She would never want him to do anything he didn't want to do. He'd been locked into different destinies and choices made for him all his life, she would never want to force him into any decisions that benefited her over him. It was true that it would have been easier if he'd wanted to go back to her world, but that was asking him to give up everything, it created a power imbalance that would never even out. She only wanted to be equals with the person she came to love, she'd never dream of putting anyone through a similar experience she had once endured in her own past.
She took in a slow deep breath through her nose, trying to calm her mind and body. Uncas was right, his words were so full of wisdom that he could have lived several lifetimes. Right now they had each other, and even if they would part eventually, that was all that mattered. This moment, right now. Erin just had to hold onto that when the thought of losing him forever became too much.
'He never asked you to stay either.' That was the dark part of her brain speaking, the one that liked to make her sit all alone instead of reaching out to friends when she needed someone there, the part that liked to remind her how unworthy of everything she was.
Unkind as it was, it was also the truth. She had asked him if he would go with her, but he'd never returned that question, he'd said he'd never ask it. Maybe... just maybe... the truth was he didn't want her at all? Maybe he couldn't wait until he saw the back of her, and could truly start his own life? Maybe all he'd ever wanted was a lifeboat, and now he had no need for it, he'd be happy to allow it to drift into distant seas.
Erin gave a low sigh and shook her head. That was an unkind thought to have about him. She knew him better than that.
This, she realized, was what all the self help books and videos she'd devoured hungrily after her break up, would call cognitive distortions. Her overloaded brain was trying to process the last few days and that was resulting in a string of anxious, misery driven thoughts that built up like a snowball rolling down a hill, soon it would feel big enough to crush her. Erin could feel her heartbeat was faster, panic was trying to grab her and shake all the sense out of her.
She briefly closed her eyes, letting out a long low breath through gently pursed lips. When she opened her eyes again, she began to count the candles within her view, slowly and with care. Then she sounded the names of each of the items she could see in that moment in her mind: a little vase with blue and pink wildflowers upon a hard wood table; an empty brass candlestick; four silver tin plates with burning candles; repeating the colors and names in her mind until she began to feel calmer.
'Okay Erin, let's think this through.'
What exactly was she scared of? Uncas not wanting her? Well, he'd clearly proven that wasn't the case last night. The memories of his lips upon hers sent a pleasant jolt through her body. She was saddened he didn't want to go with her, but that choice was all perfectly reasonable, and his to make. Neither of them wanted the other to give up their lives. That was a fact that just had to be accepted if there was no room for bending. Then, there was that last worry, that Uncas hadn't asked her to stay. He'd said himself, he would never ask that of her, and it just showed how clearly he respected her wishes. He understood and supported that choice and still cared for her. What more could she wish for?
"Besides, would you have stayed if he asked?" her mind sarcastically asked, and she stilled, breath catching.
'You hesitated!' Some part of her mind rejoiced and Erin quelled it back down.
Wanting a fantasy and living a reality weren't the same thing, but it didn't stop her wanting it. She took a long moment in the silence of that dim corridor, allowing all her thoughts to wash in and out like slow steady waves, knowing with a comforting certainty they wouldn't now drown her. Giving herself the time she needed to try and process everything. How long she stood there she wasn't sure, but she was grateful, for the time and the quiet.
She reached a hand into her pocket and brought out her phone. Part of her had assumed it would be completely spent of battery, but her sparse usage of it over the last few days had made it last.
25% battery.
The sight of it lighting up lifted something heavy from her chest and she indulged a moment in scrolling through photos, her family, her friends, her life. It was all still waiting for her. She turned off the screen, wanting to keep it for when she really needed it to bolster her mood. She knew the next few days were going to be tough, but that suddenly felt like something she could deal with, given a little time.
As she placed it back into her pocket her fingers lingered over her notepad and with hesitancy she drew it out, already fully aware it wouldn't be looking its best. It was crumpled and stained from water, but intact, and more importantly the contents were all still there. She supposed she'd need this just as much in her own time as she'd needed her phone here, to remind her of everyone, to remember. She flipped the pages to the very back, there looking out at her were those happy faces she'd drawn in the cell at Fort William Henry. For a moment she felt the physical sting of loss and the waves came back, bigger, threatening to consume her.
'What is, will be'
It was Uncas' voice that spoke within her mind, deep and heartfelt, a memory, the words he'd said to her in the cell to give her comfort that some things just couldn't be changed. It felt as if something within her chest melted, filling her with warmth and strained acceptance.
With a deep breath Erin pushed herself away from the wall, feeling she'd found some form of closure to her emotions, and knowing she could not linger in this limbo forever. Confident she had gained her wits back, Erin distractedly tidied her hair and clothes before coming to stand before Munro's quarters again. Now, she had to be ready to face what was to come.
She knocked upon the door and in a short time Colonel Munro himself answered, looking robust and unfazed by what had befallen him only a few days ago. He gestured for her to come in with a little bow of acknowledgment. "Thank you for coming Miss Cooper." He was all formality and politeness.
Erin accepted the welcome and entered the room with only a little shiver of trepidation. She noticed with a quirk of her eyebrow that Duncan was sat upon a chair by the fire, what appeared to be a half empty glass of brandy in his hand, his cheeks quite ruddy.
"Can I offer you a drink lass?" Munro asked.
"I'll have what he's having." She gestured to Duncan who grinned a little sloppily in reply.
Munro poured her a good tot, and handed her a crystal tumbler. She gripped it in both hands and sipped at the fiery liquid, trying to be ready for whatever he was about to throw at her.
"Major Heywood has told me of your bravery in the face of great odds."
Erin's eyes flew to Duncan who seemed to be feeling rather pleased with himself in a haze of comforting booze.
"That is not strictly true-" Erin said, her eyes returning uncomfortably to focus upon the liquid in her glass.
"He also told me you spoke Huron." Munro had no time for what he saw as her coy denials. He paused, studying Erin with a look of pondering calculation. "Is that true?"
"I did speak it." She tried to pull her shoulders back and lift her chin up.
"What else do you know?"
Erin didn't quite understand what he was asking. "Sir?"
"You saved my life on that battlefield, forcefully I might add, and against my will! But you did. You were true to your word."
Erin assumed this was the closest thing to an apology as she was going to get from him for having her thrown in those stinking cells, and she took it with as much grace as she could manage. "I couldn't let you die... Sir." It was so easy to fall back into that same uncertainty around him. "I regret how it all..." She awkwardly touched the back of her own head, remembering the sharp force he'd been dealt by one of the French soldiers, at her command.
"Yes, yes. Never mind all that." He fluttered a hand at her impatiently. "General Webb has informed me that without my skill set we would be a lesser army, whether I believe that or not, I am thankful. Thankful for my daughters being returned to me, thankful for the lives your information helped to save, and to that end I think you have a place here."
Erin's brow furrowed in confusion. "I don't understand. A place... Sir?"
"Yes, a place." He paused, a finger brushing impatiently across his upper lip in thought of how to get through to her. "What I'm saying, lass, is your skills could be a great asset to the British cause. Do you understand?"
Erin's eyes widened, startled by the suggestion. She glanced towards Duncan, who gave her an encouraging raise of his brow and then glass in a little toast to her good fortune.
"That would mean payment, an income, land. The British need an agent to work as a mediator. Not that you could go alone. You'd need a man to escort you, perhaps that young Mohican lad that you travelled with, hmm?" Munro continued.
It was quite the offer, yet Erin felt her whole being shudder at all the shady implications. The dirty dealings of war was not something she wanted to dip her hands into, or ask Uncas to bathe in either. "I understand Sir, but I must decline." Her knee jerk reaction won out and she spoke before she'd had time to fully think over her answer.
"Without even a moment to consider what this would mean for you?" He paused, trying to let the weight of his words sink in. "You would gain land of your own, or at least land bestowed to any man you choose. That young man you travelled with, his family, you could build a life here, it would be comfortable. You would have the protection of the Crown, lass!"
For a split second Erin saw herself living in some quaint cabin somewhere in the wilds, sitting on a swinging porch seat, Uncas beside her, surveying their own little homestead, their own private kingdom of cottage-core idealism. The offered reward was tempting but she quickly shook it away, knowing that was a figment, a dream that had no place in reality.
The mere fleeting nod to Uncas being part of all this suddenly felt like an attempt at emotional blackmail on Munro's part. He was giving them a way to be together, in society, in the open, but it was blackmail all the same. As long as she worked for the English, did their bidding and obeyed orders, she'd have a shield, but the moment she stepped out of line or fell into the hands of enemies... then what? Erin already knew the answer.
She thought of the Cameron family and what would have been their fates, the war... the war yet to come, the way the British and French would use and abuse the many tribes and colonists that lived here. All the destruction, death and misery that would come to this land, and the little people history would forget, the lives that wouldn't matter in the chronicles, but would matter to her. The truth spread out before her like a vast ominous shadow, breaking apart any sweet fantasies. The protection of the Crown would only become another target upon Uncas' back, there was nothing she could offer him but danger and uncertainty. Despite all these facts, she still felt like a coward, and bowed her head in shame, not wanting either man in the room to see her emotions.
"I thank you for the offer Colonel Munro. But my answer is no. I must return home. It is the only place I belong. I cannot... and I will not... help you in any effort in this war. I don't believe in it."
Munro stared at her, mouth agape, words deserting him for a short moment before he let out a hearty boom of laughter. "Still stubborn and obstinate I see!"
"Yes, Sir," Erin said, with a small bob of her head in apology.
He looked only a little disgruntled by her reply, his good cheer winning out. "I promised Major Heywood I would accept your first answer, and so I will keep my promise and ask no more of you Miss Cooper."
Erin's eyes flicked to Duncan and she gave him a grateful small smile.
"You have my gratitude. You will have all you need in terms of supplies, with my compliments. I wish you luck on your travels." Munro gestured to the door, telling her silently that the conversation was over.
Erin felt the atmosphere shift suddenly, it wasn't unfriendly, but she knew she was no longer welcome in her current company. She placed her half finished brandy upon a side table and with a nod of respect she left the two men alone to their drinking. Relief and adrenaline coursing through her as she left the uncomfortable situation behind.
She wandered the fort's corridors, unsure of her way, and resorted to asking those she passed where the infirmary was, and finally found herself there. It was near enough to the kitchens that she could detect the aroma of some kind of hearty stew cooking in the air.
Cora was within, placing a few jars of herbs she had just used to make a poultice for one of her patients back upon a wooden shelf. Erin leaned against the door frame and watched her work for a moment until Cora noticed her presence and smiled in welcome.
"How did your talk with my father go?"
Erin walked further into the room, eyes lingering across labelled bottles and semi-ground leaves in pestles before answering. "Strained."
"Well, that is not unusual," Cora huffed. "I'm sure when I pin him down later he will be just as frustrating."
Erin made a soft hum of agreement, knowing with certainty that Cora would win this fight. She and Nathaniel would be wed and Colonel Munro would have very little say in it.
She smiled, her eyes coming back to Cora's meticulous attention to her craft. "You'd make a wonderful doctor," Erin said, making Cora laugh suddenly at the absurdity of such an opinion.
"Me, a doctor?"
"Yes, I believe many women will be in the future. Even if you are not a doctor in name now, you are still a good one," Erin said, and Cora laughed again.
"You have the strangest notions."
"Can I help?" Erin asked, coming to stand beside her.
"There is precious little to do here." Cora nudged Erin gently with her elbow. "Uncas is in the mess hall. I saw him not long ago. He'd just sat down to eat."
Erin hesitated, she had a heavy feeling of wanting to delay their meeting as long as she possibly could, because meeting meant eventually saying goodbye.
"You should go and see him," Cora coaxed.
Erin nodded, knowing her thoughts were folly, putting it off wouldn't make any of this feel any easier.
/
A/N
Hi, it's Friday. Finally January is over!
This chapter was a lot of introspection for Erin and her wrestling with her own choices. How can you really come to terms with letting go of someone you have feelings for before it even has a chance to blossom, knowing it may have been beautiful? Uncas has seemingly already made his peace with the future, or has he? I suppose that is a question for the next chapter.
So, the song Crucify, I wanted a song that conveyed a lot of anxiety and doubt while I wrote, so although the lyrics don't fit 100% with the situation I think the overall feeling fitted the mood. Erin is feeling attacked by Cora, Colonel Munro and herself, having to justify herself to everyone while not feeling that strong conviction she really wants. She has to keep everything chained up inside only having doubt within while seeming unwavering to others. It's over dramatic and also very Erin. Or that was my waffling thoughts while writing anyway :))
Well, dear reader would your thoughts have been as muddled as Erin's or would you have had a steadfast heart in either decision?
Until next time, I hope you enjoyed.
