A/N
Song rec for those that enjoy the audible atmosphere :))
Fear of Water by SYML
(Skip the rant below if you wish, unless you are the people that keep pestering me, in which case I hope this gets burned on your eyeballs! I may delete later when I'm not so mad)
So, today I'm over the softly, softly approach to this issue and I'm done asking others to stop being meanspirited. You do you boo, but I have something to say and I'm sure you are reading every little word with villain hands.
I'm going to give a reader warning again, because for some reason it seems I still need to. I don't want to explicitly put exactly what this story is in the tags as I feel that may be major spoilers, but it should be clear to any readers from the offset of the synopsis, this is not an Alice/Uncas centric story. You see the / that means a ship... it's not in my tags. You will not find that ship catered to here. If you are reading this far you already fully know this in many, many ways, why are you still here?
I would also like to remind you this place is for fanfic of The Last of the Mohicans not an Alice/Uncas community. If that's' what you are looking for, try Tumblr.
The tags of this story have no pairing for a reason. If you don't like this story, please click away and leave me alone to enjoy my own version of fandom. This story is free. I'm not forcing you to be here. Ignore me if you hate what I'm writing. If you have a problem with me or this story existing in this fandom, that is a YOU problem not a me problem. No one owns this fandom and I don't owe you anything. I'm not hurting anyone, please don't try and hurt me over a fictional work.
I really hope I don't have to bring this up again but I get a feeling there are a few out there that cannot let this go or let fans just enjoy themselves. So I'm making myself as clear as possible about any future nasty stuffs. Get stuffed. Go away. Find something better to do. Stop fixating on me and this story. I will moderate all reviews and I will delete you as quickly as the wind blows. Your petty actions mean nothing. Your words mean nothing, it is pointless to try and beat me over the head with how much you don't think I belong (or have a right) in this fandom. I don't care. I won't stop posting. Go waste your time elsewhere. Any victory you think you have over me is a lie. I am not going to bow out because I make you uncomfy. This is my fandom too and I have every right to be here. You will not push me down or out and I'm saying this loudly and directly.
If you feel you have to continue being spiteful towards me, that is on YOU and you alone. Have fun with that. Please get some help.
Sorry to anyone actually here to not hate read, I had to get that off my chest. I hope you'll forgive my rant, I've been putting up with this crap for months. I'm tired of being silent and I know from experience bullies thrive off silence, so I am speaking up again, louder, and I hope I will be respected if not at least heard in pushing back. Any other notes on this issue will be tagged in author's notes as REF CHAP 53, so if someone needs a reminder I am not dragging this story into that dirty ditch every few chapters. Thank you and goodnight!
Enjoy, if you're not here to be an ass!
/
Erin walked with Alice back to their quarters and they shared a little more brandy and casual drunken chatter. Erin assumed an hour gave her plenty of time to relax before making her way to the semi-secret meeting in the infirmary with Uncas, and being in Alice's slightly giddy company took away all her anxiety driven thoughts for a short while.
Alice was currently furiously scribbling within her art book and talking a mile a minute about how she thought certain angles and types of light and shadow worked to create optical illusions when looking at a painting. Erin listened, nodding when needed, adding her own thoughts when they mattered, her attention fixed upon Alice's face, trying to discern any flicker of sorrow or shades of downcast heaviness. Erin was well aware how easy depressive thoughts were to hide when you didn't want to face them; she'd done it herself a year ago, concealing her true emotions from those that wanted to offer a reassuring hand, but Erin had been far too proud and ashamed to accept any help at that point in her life. It had only served to make her feel distant and lonely. Although Erin had no counter balance between her own experiences and the horrors Alice had been through, she did want to reach out. The half-started conversation from that very morning flowed back into her mind and she wondered if she should attempt to bring it up again, unknowing how to even begin, but knowing she wanted to try.
"You are right." Erin seemed to have settled upon a direction, or at least, she hoped it was.
"Right?" Alice asked, still half engrossed in her drawing.
"What you said before, outside, about Fort William Henry and Fort Edward being very different. For me it's like a different world here."
Alice abandoned her work to focus upon the conversation at hand, her fingers were covered in dark smudges of the charcoal pencil she had been holding. "How so?"
"In my life... at sea, I mean..." Erin said, clearing her throat, still uncomfortable with the white lie. "Women are pretty equal to men, we aren't expected to be so... careful."
"Careful?" Alice pulled a handkerchief gingerly out of her pocket, attempting not to spoil her clothes, and proceeded to clean her hands upon it.
"Of what we are expected to do, or where we can go, or that we should be escorted in certain situations. I find this place... stifling."
Alice considered the words for a few seconds. "Yes, I suppose if you had all that freedom to do as you wished, it would feel stifling." Alice smiled in sympathy.
"I mean..." Erin looked away, hoping this train of thought was actually going to go somewhere. "Do you feel that way sometimes... suffocated by etiquette, or by who people want you to be?" Erin supposed she was taking the scenic route to get to her point. If Alice shut this conversation down now, Erin wouldn't push. She'd drop the whole meandering subject, but she hoped it would be a door for the young woman.
Alice once again thought deeply for a short moment. "No one has ever asked me to be something I am not." It was a quick and throwaway answer, but then she hesitated, her face registering the future potential untruth to those words. She looked suddenly stiffly uncomfortable before continuing, and Erin had the sense to not interrupt. "I suppose that may come one day after what has happened. It's hard to know who I am meant to be anymore. I feel I do not fit into the role of Papa's little Alice, or of my sister's troublesome charge, or even Duncan's carefree friend... it's... I..." Alice was visibly struggling to find words.
"I think, it's okay to feel that way," Erin said as gently as she could, reaching out and covering Alice's hand with her own. "To not know where you fit, or how you feel. You've been through a hell of a lot."
Alice laughed at Erin's use of such an inappropriate word in a casual context, but it was a hollow sound. "Yes, I suppose it was a type of hell. Indeed, how to explain those cliffs to anyone in polite company? I no longer feel I belong... anywhere."
Erin squeezed her hand and smiled a doleful smile. "That's okay too. Even if you don't feel it now, you do belong with your father, with Cora. With those that you love and love you in return. You don't have to tell anyone about what happened, or talk about it at all, unless you want to." She smiled again and noticed Alice's eyes were becoming a little reddened. "However you feel is right, and however you deal with it, is the right way for you." Erin could see something moving behind Alice's eyes, as if a great wave was building and in that moment Erin understood, the young woman had been holding all this back for days, the cork was coming loose and there would be no preventing it now.
"I wish I did not feel anything." The words were whispered and then the tears came, over spilling onto pale cheeks as Alice's body shook with trembling sobs of distress. Erin tentatively gathered her into a gentle embrace and rocked her softly for a long time, allowing Alice to cry and hold on to her. Offering nothing but reassuring noises and light pats upon her back in comfort.
When Alice finally pulled back, her face was pink and blotchy. Erin smoothed the young woman's hair off dampened cheeks and Alice laughed at the tender attention, moving herself away and up on her feet, splashing fresh water from a nearby bowl upon her face.
She dabbed herself dry on a cloth and then returned her eyes back to Erin, clearly thoroughly embarrassed. "I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me."
"You never have to be sorry, about any of it. I'm glad you told me." Erin paused a moment, it didn't feel right to offer herself as being there if Alice needed an ear, because Erin fully intended to leave tomorrow. "I know Cora would feel the same way, if you ever feel ready to tell her."
Alice's eyes widened just a little in panic.
"But that is all up to you," Erin rushed to reassure. "What happens next, who you let in, what you want to talk about or don't... you are in control of this."
Alice relaxed. "Yes, I suppose so." She looked down wistfully at her art book, something glinting within her eyes that Erin couldn't quite read. "It all still feels so unreal to me. I mostly feel so very far away from what happened, as if it happened to someone else... but now and then it feels so real, that I fear it will eat me whole."
Erin gave another little hum of comfort. "It's not going to be easy, but I believe you can get through this. The world will still be waiting for you when you are ready." This was something Ada had said to Erin during one of her darkest days, it was the promise of light, Erin hoped it would feel similar to Alice. "Then you can go on your own adventures, on your own terms, and see all the wondrous things that I just know you are itching to draw."
This made Alice laugh and a little rosy pink flush touched her face.
"This isn't going to define you Alice, you are so much more than what happened."
Alice bit her lip and smiled, still looking a little sheepish. "I thought I never wanted to speak of any of that day, but I feel much better now I have. I think I needed to cry." Her smile held a bittersweet quality to it and Erin understood, there would never be a way to find peace with what had happened, only acceptance.
"Reaching out to someone is the hardest part, I think," Erin said carefully. "When bad things happen, we just want to run away, it feels easier."
Alice came to the bed, snuggling into the linens and letting out a deep and weary sigh as her head nestled into the fluffy feathered pillow. "But I suppose it is no good for the spirit, to run away." Alice sighed again, her voice full of exhaustion.
"No." Erin ran a soothing hand across Alice's outline.
"I think the brandy has made me very tired. Do you mind if we finish our conversation another time?"
Erin understood this was Alice's way of saying she had confronted all she wished to on this night, she too knew Erin would leave in the morning and there may be little time for further talk. Erin could only hope the conversation would indeed continue, perhaps with Cora or someone else Alice knew and trusted.
"Of course. Just sleep."
Alice made a little noise of agreement and then went silent for a moment. Erin waited patiently knowing there was more she still wished to say.
"It's funny," Alice said, without any humour at all. "What you said at Fort William Henry, I keep thinking about it, how you said I was strong, that what I thought was my weakness could be my strength."
Erin made an encouraging noise but remained quiet, allowing Alice the time and space she needed to process her thoughts and speak them.
"I think somehow it's true, because that man..." She hesitated, and Erin saw her close her eyes tightly before forcing the next word past her lips. "Magua. He thought I was weak, weaker than Cora, weaker than you. He was wrong to think I was so very worthless. Just like everyone else, he thought he could make all my choices for me. But, he didn't."
"No," Erin reaffirmed with another gentle touch. "He didn't."
/
Erin had waited with Alice until she had fallen into a light doze and then carefully and quietly left the room. She was a little later than she'd intended, but she hopefully assumed Uncas wouldn't mind and would still be waiting.
The corridors were so quiet that Erin doubted many would still be out of their beds, although she had noticed Cora had not returned before she left. If she asked Uncas where Nathaniel was, Erin assumed he too would be conspicuously missing.
Her footsteps echoed a little around her, giving her an eerie feeling of being followed. She looked behind her many times but only saw her own shadow. Her thoughts lingered uncomfortably upon that brutish solider in the mess hall and the image of Duncan's displeased face. Her paranoia clutched at her as she wondered for the umpteenth time if she was making any right decisions.
An unpleasant thought crawled its way into her consciousness, confronting and jarring.
What if Uncas had decided to ask her to stay?
Her steps faltered and she came fully to a stop her body humming with disquiet energy. Despite all her flip-flopping, Erin did know her knee jerk reaction answer to that question, she had known it all along and nothing had changed. She knew she would refuse him in much the same way he had refused her, she was unwilling to give up her life, just as he was. No matter her experiences in 1757, Erin had to admit it wasn't just this place or this time that prevented her from taking that leap of faith into Uncas' arms. She knew if she truly loved someone she would do anything to be with them, but the fact was clear and simple, she didn't love Uncas. What she had said to Alice was the truth.
Erin tried counting the nights she had spent here in this time, nights felt so much easier to keep track of than days. Was it nine? Ten? Perhaps even eleven? That meant she'd known Uncas as little as seven days and as many as nine. The only thing she was sure of was she had spent two nights with the Cameron family before she met him. She was well aware that wasn't long enough for her to know what her feelings were, and how far those feelings would stretch before they snapped. She needed time, and time was one thing she knew she did not have. The triple falls called out to her through blood and bone, to come back, come home, time was running out.
She could try and ignore it as just a feeling, pass it off as just a hunch, stay here and wait, see what feelings grew between her and this man she had come to care so much about. Then in a year, she could return from their far wanderings South and shrug with defeat when she came to find just a waterfall. Her home, her life, only a passing dream she had to forget to live another. Maybe she wouldn't even care by then, happy and content with someone she had come to love more than her own life.
What if, what if... so many...
What if she regretted staying and she was stuck here with a man that had grown to view her as no more than his burden to bear, and to her, he was no more than bitter ashes and remorse for a life she could never get back?
The stakes felt too high. A fool's venture, but still if he asked, truly asked, the temptation to abandon everything to fate felt like a high adventure and in the passionate embrace of another, words were easy to give.
Erin shook the whole notion away. Knowing she was getting caught up in a never-ending cycle. Besides, she knew she was wrong, Uncas would never ask her to stay, he'd made himself perfectly clear.
So, it must be something else. Another problem. Was Uncas in trouble? Is that why he'd wanted to meet? Had that solider threatened him? No, that couldn't be the reason, he'd have confided in Nathaniel or his father, not Erin, she could do nothing more in such a situation than give the man a dirty catty look. Then why was he being so indiscreet after what had happened that very day? Erin couldn't puzzle out any rhyme or reason and found herself becoming equal parts worried and annoyed. She started moving steadily forward again, lead pooling within her stomach as she scurried down deserted passageways, keeping to the paths she presumed were safe.
When she finally arrived at the infirmary the fire within had been allowed to burn out, a lone candle the only hint that the room was currently occupied. Her eyes found Uncas within a heartbeat and the dread that had coiled around her loosened and fell away as she rushed to meet him, arms clutching around his middle, causing him to grunt lowly in pain.
"Sorry!" She jerked back in startled surprise of her own clumsy actions, but he quickly pulled her back into him with a more careful movement, a hand smoothing over her hair and lingering upon her back in an act of soothing comfort. "Did I hurt you?" she mumbled against his shirt. She felt him move, a small shake of his head.
"I am well."
"Are you?" The worry receded and the annoyance won out, she pulled back firmly, stating with that action that she wouldn't be coddled into submission this time. "Outside, tonight, you were... reckless!"
"Reckless?" Uncas huffed out the word in amused laughter.
"Anyone could have seen us, or worse, heard you!"
He frowned. "Why are you angry? Why should we care what those people think? We leave tomorrow."
"It's dangerous!"
"If your father was Colonel Munro or an officer here, maybe-"
"Maybe?" She pulled away fully, he was being obtuse and she was being argumentative. His dismissive attitude stung at her pride. "You saw the way that man looked at us in the mess hall! He didn't seem to care who anyone's father was!"
"For all that man knows, you are my wife." He glanced away, disregarding all her worries with a carelessness that verged upon belittlement.
She eyed him with deep suspicion, anger bubbling. "That would not make us safe and you know it!"
He frowned again, obviously growing rather displeased with how this evening was developing. "In this moment we are safe, we will leave tomorrow. We are all under Munro's protection. You are worrying too much." He paused, eyes grazing over her stubborn expression. "Ill looks cannot hurt us and that was all you saw. We are safe. No one is here to see us. Look." He gestured to the silent room. His tone was impatient but also consoling, and Erin felt it attempt to smooth all her jagged edges.
She took a step back and he allowed it. Erin crossed her arms staunchly over her chest, eying him up and down with suspicion. "You are acting... weird."
Something about this sat like a rock within the core of her chest, the man she knew wouldn't be so careless as to set up a clandestine meeting after what happened today, would he? She looked up into his face, eyes flicking to each of his. Did she truly know him? Maybe not. He was young, courageous and fiercely loyal, he could be very reckless. In the story she knew he had given his life for a woman he barely knew, was this so far fetched to imagine? She suddenly felt as if the wind had been taken from her sails. There was so much she didn't know about him, her thoughts felt scattered into disorientation.
"Erin." He came to her, drawing her reluctantly back into his arms. "I know you feel fearful," he lapsed into his own language as he spoke, "but I have known many men like that one, and others who do bite. In my life I know what is a threat and what is only a howl. Trust me to keep you safe."
"I do... trust you," Erin said softly. "It's been a really long day. I think I'm over thinking things."
"Hmm." The deep wordless sound was agreement and comfort, and somehow good humoured judgment too. "We may not get another chance to be alone like this. If I have been reckless it is only because of that."
Part of her knew he was right, Colonel Munro was in their debt for his daughters' lives, he would allow no harm to befall any of them, even if outright disapproval would be the outcome of them being seen together. She glanced around them, there was not a murmur of sound, or trace of another human soul. They were completely alone, and at this late hour she could confidently assume no one would venture here. She was being unreasonable. She could understand his rashness if she chose to, she felt the pull of it too, the pull to him. Their time together was sand running against glass, and it had nearly run out.
She gave out a huff of over-dramatic relent, allowing him to pull her closer still. "My stubborn mindset is brushing off on you too much."
"Maybe," he said, with a glint of humour, mischievous fun in his voice, chasing all the shadows away. "Or maybe I am just good at charming you, like those princes in your Yengeese fairy tales?"
Erin couldn't help herself, and laughter bubbled from her lips, dispelling any clinging resentment. "What was that?! Smooth pick up line!" Seeing his utter look of bafflement just made her laugh all the more, until she clutched onto a nearby table to steady herself.
He was now looking playfully put out by her behaviour. "I'm sorry, just give me a moment," she chuffed, trying to grab some semblance of her wits back, not really understanding why she found any of this so absurdly funny. It took her a few seconds to find it was relief, relief that how he had been acting had an understandable reason. That her own reaction stemmed from her complicated thoughts of leaving. They were safe and they were together.
"So you do not find me charming?" He sounded almost disgruntled and Erin had to hold back another wave of laughter.
"No, not charming." She grinned as his frown deepened. She tenderly brushed a lock of long hair away from his shoulder, tucking it behind his ear in imitation of his many affectionate past actions to her. "But you are very hot, so it evens out."
He seemed about to take her seriously for a short moment, his palm going to his forehead, then he relaxed, understanding clicking in to place. "You are teasing me."
Erin nodded. "I am, sorry. You are very fun to tease." The call back to their first real encounter with each other at the burial ground made them both smile in fond remembrance, eyes connecting. Then Erin found she shyly didn't want to meet his gaze, so she turned her body away, studying with great interest the candle before her as it valiantly sputtered out the only light source in the room.
She didn't hear him move, but felt his warm presence behind her, his body moulding against her own in intimate pressure. His arms came around her waist, resting leisurely against her stomach.
"I made this." He offered his forearm out to her, and upon his wrist, nestled next to his golden brass bangles were two bracelets. A dark leather strip served as the anchor to deftly braided hair, and with a slow welling within her chest, Erin realized that it was his midnight strands intertwined with her own vibrant ruby red hair. This is what he had done with the hair he had cut as a keepsake at the waterfall. For a moment the feelings swelled within her and threatened to overspill, but she pushed it back with effort, knowing now wasn't the time or place to lose herself. With hesitating fingers, Erin reached out, her touch glancing across silky braid to warm smooth skin.
"They're beautiful."
Uncas reached, and with deft fingers he unfastened one bracelet, and with a fluid ease, placed it upon her own wrist, tying it in place with a simple knot, as his chin rested leisurely upon her shoulder. She could hear him breathing softly as he was engrossed in the task, feel his chest rising with each lungful of air against her back.
"Thank you." Erin smoothed a thumb over the interwoven hair that was symbolic of them being one, knowing that would not be their future. She felt a lump form in her throat and wanted to pull away, to tell him to stop, that it was all too much, that they asked the impossible - to want each other so much and yet still be parted.
"When you are home..." It felt as if he were reading her mind. "You can look at this and remember." He held both her hands in his, stretching them palm to palm before her, the connection feeling exhilaratingly pyretic.
"What if I don't want to remember?" Erin's voice was barely above a whisper.
Uncas gave a grunt of understanding and she felt him smile before he pressed a soft kiss against the curve of bare skin between neck and shoulder. "Then take it to a fire and tell me farewell. I will hear you in the sparks as it burns and floats up to the sky."
"Well, that kinda sounds like a sad ending," Erin said, trying to sound equal parts amused and sceptical.
He laughed softly. "All endings have some sadness." He touched the braid upon her wrist, fingers skimming sensitive skin. "This is enough for me." Even though his words were accepting there was something deeply melancholic in his tone.
She suddenly felt like she wanted to offer him comfort despite her reluctance to face what would come herself. "I meant it, what I said yesterday." She blurted out the words.
His chin was cradled in the dip of her shoulder again. "Hmm?" His deep tone vibrated through her whole body, sending the fine hairs on the back of her neck rippling.
"I'm not sorry..." Her mouth felt dry, she knew admitting the words upon her tongue would mean she couldn't take them back, she was fully aware where they would lead, and she said them anyway. "For still wanting you, even though I know it'll hurt us both in the end." She bristled at this admittance, feeling both vindicated and terrible. "I'm really selfish, just so you know."
"So am I," he murmured against her skin with warm breath.
She wasn't given time to question what he meant as she felt his fingers glancing gently up her bare forearms, past sleeves to shoulders, fingers and thumbs massaging gently, and for a moment Erin felt her whole body stiffen in refusal to understand what he was asking, what she wanted too. Then his lips were pressing against her neck, following contours and curves, and suddenly her breaths were faster, her blood pulsing harder, skin tingling in the wake of his touch.
She slowly turned to face him, eyes unwilling to find his face for a moment, a little afraid of what would happen once she made that final eye contact.
"Someone may find us," she protested, her voice lacking any real conviction.
Out of the corner of her slightly downcast gaze, she saw his lips curl into a smile and his hand came to her chin, gently guiding her to look at him, knowing she was truly lost as soon as their eyes connected.
"Then, let us hide." Teeth flashed a moment in the light and then he blew out the candle with one quick breath and the room was plunged into darkness.
/
Another Fri-yay! :)))
Hello everyone reading, I hope this was an enjoyable chapter. This story is crazy long now, over 50 chapters and so much yet to come.
I've had a lot of fun reading the reviews the last few chapters and seeing how differently some may have taken the story if you were in the role of Erin. If I was Erin's age I may well have decided to stay too just for the sheer adventure. But Erin has her own path to take, let's see where it will lead.
MohawkWoman brought up a good point about Erin's hair! Her hair would still be very bright at this point, her washing it at Fort Edward is the first time she has washed her hair in ALL this time. This is incredibly gross to me lol It has been around 10/11 days since Erin made her little trip through the falls. It feels a lot longer I know :)) I hope that helps in continuity and is a better explanation of time passed, my writing is pretty long winded and the details can be lost, I know, an editor would edit me down to 2000 word chapters lol
Thank you to anyone passing by to read and especially to those reviewing encouragingly and fairly. You keep me afloat.
I hope this was a fun one, next week... well let's see if we go into that dark room or not...
