A/N
Song for those wanting it: Wicked Game by HAUSER
/
By nightfall there was fresh venison roasting upon their fire, another gift from Fort Edward that was most welcome. They enjoyed the gamy meat along with bread and cheese, and some ripe juicy peaches that had been grown in the fort's kitchen garden. Erin stretched languidly, enjoying the warm sleepy feeling her full stomach brought.
She dozed a little, listening to the three men talk, planning the next day, speaking of how much good time they had made on the journey already.
When the talking became quieter and less animated she reopened her eyes. Erin noticed Nathaniel and Chingachgook sat huddled together, tending to repairing a frayed belt edge, sharpening blades, and cooking up some unleavened bread for the next day's journey. To Erin it felt like the sudden busy work was timed to give Uncas some time alone with her.
Flexing her feet towards the fire, Erin looked up, past the dark shapes of branches, to the sky. It was cloudy tonight, no stars could be seen and the moon was mostly hidden. All about them seemed to have a deep darkness without the extra light.
Uncas came to stand over her with a small lantern, a little stub of candle burning brightly. He extended his hand silently out and, with a playful smile, Erin accepted the gesture, but frowned as she noticed him wince slightly from the extra strain of helping her up.
His hand wrapped around hers as he led her through trees and bush, with casual yet magnetic glances over his shoulder which urged her to follow, a look which promised her they would not go far, but far enough to have some privacy. They finally came upon a small clearing with a wide stream merrily running through it. They found a place to sit amongst the soft green moss and then gazed up together at the sky for a moment, an affable silence between them. It was warm enough that they didn't need a fire, Erin assumed they would return to the camp to sleep by it later, to stave off any early morning chill.
Now alone with him here in this night time vista, Erin felt apprehension creeping over her. The struggle to try and form her thoughts into words when all she truly wanted to do was reach out and touch him, as if that physical connection would somehow explain everything. Her feelings, her worries, her unease, her fear of leaving this place, of leaving him. Erin's gaze drifted to Uncas, watching him a little too intensely, something he seemed oblivious to as he continued his rapt watch, like he was a young child waiting for the clouds to part and a comet to shoot across the sky at any moment, afraid if he looked away it would be missed entirely.
She shifted her weight, finding a comfortable spot to settle, and allowed her mind to pick a course of topic, one that had been at the forefront of her mind since that morning.
"How are you feeling? Truly?" She returned her gaze to look up with him for a moment, even though there was no clear sky to watch.
"I am well," he said.
Erin had to resist the urge to reach out and check the temperature of his forehead again and saw him give her a smug sidelong look of warning, should she even attempt to start down that path of fussing.
"Cora did not honey her words. She told me plain the signs to be wary of," he said with a wry smile, and Erin felt her worry loosen.
It seemed Cora had been as frank with Uncas as she had been with Erin. There was some comfort in that, like she wasn't the only one with a heavy weight to bear.
Uncas let out a little sigh. "But even I must admit that a days traveling cross country with a hole in my side makes for hard work." His eyes came to her and Erin could sense him studying her for a moment, the feel of his gaze almost tangible. "I am sorry I let it get the best of my temper. I was unkind."
His words displaced her thought process, throwing off all her well made plans of talking over what Cora had said, his sincerity making her want to reassure him, not burden him with more of her own worries. "It's okay, no one expects you to be a superhero." Erin gave a little wince, knowing he wouldn't understand her terminology. "I mean, I don't expect you to act as if your injury is nothing, it must hurt."
Uncas nodded in acknowledgment of her words.
"I understand. Being in pain is no fun," Erin continued, "it's the apology that matters, owning what we think we did wrong."
"Owning," he repeated, and laughed softly at her words, obviously finding them rather charming. "And you? How are you feeling?" His gaze was fully intent on her now and Erin was caught off guard by his sudden reversal of question, and laughed nervously.
"Fine too. It just, you know, hurts still." She touched her sore lip lightly, trying to hide her sheepish smile.
"I mean," his deep voice was tolerant of her dancing around thorny subjects, "about returning back to your home?"
She quickly shrugged her shoulders, but then took a moment to mull over the question. It had always been at the back of her mind, what would happen when she finally got home. It had been a subject she'd consistently put off thinking about directly, telling herself she had time later.
"Nervous I guess. For a lot of reasons." Erin was heartened to notice he shifted just a little closer, his head cocked to one side, eager to hear what she had to say. "I don't even know if I can go back. I mean, what if I get there and it's just a... waterfall?" She shivered at the mere notion of that being reality.
He smiled and shook his head slightly. "I don't think that will be your fate."
"You sound so confident," Erin said softly. "How can you really know?"
He smiled again, a small secretive thing that was gone within a second like the glint of sun off metal. When he spoke it was in his own tongue. "No better path."
"No... better.. path?" Erin repeated back haltingly, unsure of her pronunciation, or his meaning.
This just made him laugh, as if he found her struggling delightfully endearing, and when he did turn to look at her again, it was like his smile was the only light in a shadowed room, filling their surroundings with life and hope.
"The way things should be. Your reward for changing things," he amended in English, and Erin gave a semi-understanding nod.
"You mean like karma?"
Now it was his turn to look puzzled, and also a little critical.
"No, I don't mean destiny," Erin rushed out, knowing what his look meant, and just how much he disliked that kind of talk. "Karma is like, a life balance, I suppose," she explained. "Or maybe, as you said, what people deserve. If you do good then good returns to you, or something like that."
He grinned, his whole face alight again with the emotion. "Yes. Something like that."
"Huh." Erin pondered his words for a short moment, her eyes drifting back to the sky as she rubbed her cheek in thought. "If I can go back, I guess everyone's going to want to know where I've been... I will have just 'poofed' out of the world." She mimed a popping motion with her hands. "Ada will have been so worried." She softly shook her head, feeling shame for causing her close friend any distress.
"Ada?" Uncas asked.
"She's my friend, she was with me before I came here." Erin rubbed at her upper arms even though she didn't feel cold. "I don't know what to tell her, or anyone." Erin then groaned as all the rest of the things she'd been avoiding hurried to make themselves known in her thoughts. "God, what do I tell my parents?!" She tried her very best not to imagine that conversation too vividly. "If I tell them the truth they might think I've lost my mind, but lying to them feels... bad too," Erin finished limply.
Uncas watched her for a moment until his continued silence caused Erin to look over at him, an unspoken question for his own thoughts upon her face.
"Sometimes the truth isn't the only path," he stated with a low confident air, and looked away, eyes drawn to the sky once again. "John Cameron said you got lost in the woods, maybe that's all you need to say?"
Erin laughed. "I guess I kind of did get lost in the woods, it's not a complete lie."
"Easier to have a grain of truth." He nodded. "Maybe one day you can tell someone you trust, but when you are back, just be back with those you care about."
His words felt sincere and a sensation of warmth bloomed within Erin's chest. "What will you do after... after I..." She couldn't help asking, because part of her still wanted to include him in the category of 'those' people he spoke of, being without him in this moment felt too strange to dwell on.
He shifted his weight with a wince of pain, adjusting how he sat to make his injury more comfortable. "Go to whatever place my father and brother go. I go where they go." He was casually unimpassioned.
"Yes, but I mean, what do you want to do with your life?" Erin wanted to bring up her idea of him feeling caged by what was expected of him, but still felt unsure if any of that had been something she'd truly seen; or maybe something she'd wanted to see, so she could try and save him, not once, but twice, by somehow freeing him.
Uncas looked at her, one brow rising in clear amused reproach to her continuing this line of questioning. "Where they go, I go." It was and wasn't really an answer.
Erin got the distinct feeling this subject was a closed book. Maybe having grand future plans was a little much to ask of a man who lived a life based on what each season brought, and a hand to mouth existence? 'What came, came', she supposed was the guide he lived by. Perhaps she had been wrong all along and he felt no true displeasure with his fated 'destiny', or at least with what his father wanted. She'd misread so much already that doubt seeped into her thoughts and turned her reasoning to thin soggy paper.
They sat in a silence that felt just a little heavier.
"It feels so peaceful out here. I never noticed before. I guess there wasn't time to see things in the same way, when we were always moving, always in danger," Erin said, allowing all about them to wash through her senses, and using their location as a handy act of distraction. She pointed up to the vast canopy of trees. "It's like being in a cathedral." With a little jolt of realization she looked over at him to see, just as she'd assumed, he looked rather bemused. "It's like a big church, made of stone, with a really, really high ceiling," she clarified. "As tall as these trees, maybe even taller."
"A church as tall as trees," he mused, his gaze lingering over the branches high above, eyes gleaming with curious wonder.
She studied his face for a long moment, taking his closeness in, revering the fine lines that appeared at the corners of his eyes or his mouth when he smiled and talked, smoothing to his usual stoic guarded expression when he remained quiet and unmoving.
Suddenly, Erin wanted to be the one to see those lines become wrinkles, to watch as time weaved a spell of memories and lives they'd somehow experienced together. His long black hair peppered with strands of grey. To look into those warm brown eyes and see not just the bravery of youth looking back, but the weight and beauty of years. The emotion was covetous, and Erin feared it would swallow her whole if she didn't dispel it quickly away, she feared she'd say things she didn't mean to say, do things she'd regret, and for this one night, she wanted no regrets.
Her eyes caught something different, so slight that it had been easy to overlook until that moment. "Your brass ring?" She reached out her hand, lightly touching his bare wrist, where once there had been five and now only four rings remained.
He looked unconcerned. "Traded it for bear grease, some doe skin and some beads."
"Oh?" Erin wasn't really sure how much all that should cost here but it sounded like so little for something he had carried for so long.
"Made this." He untied a little bag at his belt. It was a pouch made of pale, soft leather with a simple drawstring and a small smattering of beads sewn onto the front in shades of a dark blue, forming a crude design of lines, lines that mimicked the diamond tattoo at the centre of his chest. "Not much," he continued, "didn't have much time."
"Thank you," Erin whispered, her fingers glancing over the smooth forms of the little beads.
"It will help you on your journey. Good fortune." He gave a firm nod.
Erin carefully pulled open the bag and instantly the pleasant smell of dried berries, preserved meat and animal fat wafted up into her senses.
"Don't know how far you have to go, but it should help."
Again Erin allowed her fingers to brush the pattern, it was so simple and practical, food to keep her going and yet the meaning felt like so much more. She looked over at him again, eyes shining with gratitude. She felt that bubbling of emotion again and fought it back, tucking the bag into her pocket.
"Munro offered me land." Erin blurted out the interruption, voicing what had been half lingering in her mind since her meeting with the Colonel. There hadn't seemed to be a good time to address the subject until now, although Erin knew in reality it was just another thing she'd been afraid to confront. Now, after everything, it seemed like a minor detail, she knew both their minds had settled on an uneasy agreement, like birds on a softly vibrating wire.
Uncas' calm mask slipped briefly in surprise. "Land?"
"Yes, if I talked to the Huron and the French."
"Doing the British Army's bidding? Dirty work they are too shamed to do?" He quirked an eyebrow, clearly stating he did not like this idea at all.
"Yes, if I would, gather information, be a spy for them, I guess. Although he never used such vulgar terms." Erin's lips pulled down in half-mocking disapproval. "He said he would bestow the land to 'any man I wanted'." She did a rather terrible impression of Munro's Scottish lilt and Uncas chuckled. "To you." She had been avoiding looking at him directly, but at these words made eye contact, trying to gauge his reaction.
He smirked. "You said no." It wasn't a question but a statement of facts.
"I did." She paused. "This land isn't safe to live on. It won't be safe for a long time."
"The war?"
Erin nodded. "More battles, more fighting. The war will just get bigger."
"Bigger?" Uncas' eyes glistened with a mixture of curiosity and concern.
"Yes." She paused again. "I think you will be relatively safe, where you are going though."
He nodded slowly, silence falling over them for a short time. "I'm glad you said no, I would not want that life for you."
Erin let out a little breath of relief, she had known this would be his stance, but had still felt the anxiety of admitting she had been given an 'easy' way to be with him and had still refused.
She smiled up at him, doing her best imitation of easy happiness that they were still on the same page. "Sorry I didn't tell you before, or ask you what you thought. We'd already talked and decided... things. I felt Munro wanted an answer right then and I gave it."
"The truth of your heart," he murmured in his own language.
The words Alice had spoken earlier that day tried to worm their way into her consciousness, that she should tell him everything, even the hard parts, even the parts that made no true sense... but Erin forced them back. She tried to find reason in the fact that now really did not feel like the time to rock the boat. They'd both found a place to settle together - even if it felt a little uneven, it felt somehow, also, precious.
He looked back up at the sky and they both watched as the moon sailed through wisps of clouds, like a spectre, barely there at all. There was another long pause. "And my father's people, do you know what becomes of us?"
It was a question Erin hadn't really been expecting, but of course he wished to know.
She answered it as honestly as she could. "In the book, he is the last. But after the cliffs... maybe that has changed now? I mean obviously it has, you are here, so anything could happen. You may have fifty kids and your line will go on to be strong in the future... in my time." Those words stung more than she'd ever admit, thinking of him here, forgetting, living and moving on, cut to the quick. "I wish I could tell you more. I suppose I'll know when I get home. History will have changed."
He gave a slow nod of understanding, his face pensive. "My people, we believe the stars are others from before, family, or those we loved. That death brings life and life brings death. We are all connected, all come from the same place, all go to the same place." He let out a heavy sigh, eyes still searching that dark expanse of sky. "When you return home, I will be gone."
Erin felt her heart thud in her chest and then speed up with a halting little rhythm, like bird wings fluttering against her ribs. "What? No-" she began to protest.
He glanced over at her, a small knowing smile upon his lips, his look stilling her words mid-sentence. "Yes. You are more than 200 years from this place. I will be long gone, up into those stars." He nodded back to the sky, and Erin realized he had been thinking upon this point for some time. He'd already accepted it as fact.
Now, she couldn't help looking up too, and she found a bitter part of her cursed that sky for even vaguely threatening to take him away, for the reality to be that when she did go back home, he would have died long, long ago in a past she was no longer part of.
"My mother is up there somewhere," he said, scattering her thoughts once again. He took a small moment of silence then, as if he were gathering all his ideas together and Erin didn't interrupt, knowing he needed to speak in his own time. "When I was a boy I would often search for her. It somehow made it feel it could be real if I picked the most distant star, the smallest light, the shine that was the hardest to see."
Erin pushed her lips together, understanding what he meant more than she thought she could express. "Good things seem possible if you ask for only a little," she breathed.
He looked back at her, a hint of pleased surprise upon his face and then he nodded. "Asking for too much leads to disappointment and pain." He reached out a hand to her, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear, but lingered upon the action, tracing the curve of her ear with deft fingers.
"You sound like you've had a lot of that," Erin whispered.
"Hmm?"
"Disappointment and pain."
"Some." He gave a fleeting smile, it held a hint of sadness to it. "But more, just the truth of life. Sometimes not knowing, it hurts less."
"So, you'd rather I didn't know what became of you?" Erin couldn't help frowning as she tried to understand exactly what he was asking of her.
The corners of his mouth twitched, more a reaction than a smile. "Maybe it would be best not to look for me at all, then you can keep the hope going, not dwell on the grief that I am gone." Uncas sighed. "If you find me in the night sky, I'm still there, still with you. It's a better story." He returned his attention back to watching the expanse of clouds.
Erin mulled over his words, she wanted to ask more about what disappointments and pain life had laid at his threshold. Her gut told her it was something to do with his mother and the story of what had become of her. Whenever he mentioned her there was a heaviness to his words, a burden that a young child should never have to bear, even if he had now grown into a strong man, but Erin also knew this was something he wasn't ready to tell her and, since she was leaving tomorrow, it was also something she would never have the chance to know.
She studied him for a long moment as he continued to look up, his face calm and open, almost vulnerable, and she could nearly see the boy he had once been, carefree, naïve, untainted. Before this world had grabbed hold of him and forced him to experience everything he had in his short time. Forced him into a role, a station, a creed he never had any say in. She suddenly felt she was abandoning him to a ruthless, brutal life of uncertainty.
"I know it's a selfish wish, but I wish you could come with me." She breathed the words like they were something she knew should not be spoken out loud. "I wish I could protect you from..." She looked around them, grasping for words. "All the bad stuff in this world."
He calmly reached over and touched her hand, a brush of his knuckles against her palm, the whisper of a smile on his lips. "This world is the only one I know," he said simply, and Erin understood what he meant.
They couldn't judge each other's worlds or times, they couldn't really understand them, worlds and lives apart. Still maybe, some part of her had wanted him to agree, to suddenly throw caution to the wind, take her hand and run towards those falls. She allowed the emotion to pass with a heavy-hearted sigh.
"Maybe in your time my mother is not in that sky anymore, my people moved on to somewhere else. Just as you are fearful of here, I am fearful of there. What I don't know, what will change. Here I know, I know what will come."
"So I guess you being up there in my time as a twinkly star is just a nice fantasy for me then?" Erin said, trying to sound frivolous.
He shook his head. "No, I'll stay up there. For you. Until it is your time, and then we can go to wherever my people went." He gave a debonair smile, eyes dancing, and nudged her shoulder with a coltish air.
Erin laughed and nudged him back. "Uh-huh," she said with good humoured mockery. "And what about those fifty kids? Maybe even an angry wife? I don't think she'd appreciate you waiting in the afterlife for some woman you met in your impulsive youth," Erin declared, mock aghast, her joke verging upon hitting a painful nerve which she morbidly wanted to poke at.
Uncas glanced down and grinned, shaking his head. "A dream. The end of all endings," he said in his own tongue, and Erin's brow furrowed, trying to understand. "But up there..." he continued in English, looking back into the sky, "there is never an end."
There was a long moment of stagnant silence while Erin waited, brow raised, for him to explain himself further. He gave her a teasing sidelong glance which stated that was all she was going to get out of him.
"Always a cryptic man of mystery," Erin said with a stern playfulness, and again he laughed.
"What is, will be." He said the words with a mournful air and all the amusement filtered away like smoke blown on the wind.
Erin suddenly felt the urge to cry fighting to be felt, but bit the inside of her cheek with a sharp nip, quelling the unhelpful compulsion. "I... I could never ask you to leave those you love behind." She wasn't talking about imagined night skies now, but reality.
"And I cannot ask it of you." His features were calm and smooth but there was a hint of impatience in his eyes. Erin could understand his feelings, they had been over this so many times, circles that went nowhere.
"We keep coming back to the same conclusion, huh?" Erin nudged him gently with her shoulder, trying to keep the atmosphere playful.
He sighed heavily but was silent for a beat of time. "Here, there can be no happiness for us," he said. "I see no point in us talking about it again."
That reply was a little stern and off-handed, it hurt, and she couldn't prevent the ripple of surprised pain fluttering through her features. He seemed to sense her change even though he was not looking directly at her, and offered an affectionate gesture in soothing comfort, his hand wrapping around her fingers and gently squeezing.
He spoke his own words, words that left Erin guessing once again. "In another life, when the rain stops for a while."
No, wait, he'd said, another spirit? Or perhaps another person? That it couldn't always rain, or a sky without rain? When the world didn't rain? She looked up at him, her eyes quietly asking him for more.
He sighed and tried to smile, but it never truly formed upon his lips. He continued in English, "Things can't be changed. We have to live with our choices. We cannot linger in a place between decisions." His tone was full of remorse, and something that sounded close to real resentment. Did he resent her for bringing all this into his life? She couldn't really blame him. "Regret is a hard stone," he finished, with a certain nod, lapsing again into his own tongue.
"Then we really are at a stalemate." Erin sighed, finally fully admitting defeat and putting up a white flag in surrender to this whole situation. Just as Duncan had said, letting go was hard and painful, but to hold Uncas back with any of her own feelings felt suddenly cruel, like she would be asking him to step into a bigger cage, but it would still be a cage. "It's going to be rough, saying goodbye I mean, isn't it?"
He nodded curtly, his hand reaching for a nearby stick to poke at the moss.
"It will," he said softly. "Goodbyes are never meant to be easy."
His words sounded so much wiser than his years, but Erin knew this was because his own life held so little time for dithering about what had to be done, a single choice could be the difference between life and death. She felt suddenly apologetic for having the luxury of so many options in her own life. Perhaps this is what made her feel so greedy now, why she wanted more when there was no more to give?
Erin gave a sad ghost of a smile. "No," she whispered, and huddled against him. "They are never easy."
Uncas made a little noise of agreement and wrapped one arm about her shoulders, pulling her gently to him as he remained looking up, as if he was patiently waiting for the stars to finally show themselves. Erin traced her fingers along the lines of his palm and then continued her exploration, her thumb pad turning his hand over, following the flow and curves of blue vein and calloused knuckle, until she entwined her fingers with his and let out a low deep sigh.
"I'm sorry. I know I can't have my cake and eat it."
He gave her a bemused sideways glance and laughed lowly, any remaining tension suddenly gone. "You have so many strange sayings. I will miss them."
Erin gently rested her head on his shoulder, not wanting to reply, knowing she may lose her composure if she voiced just how much she was going to miss him too. They both gazed up into the clouds, seeing the dim glow of the moon like candlelight through silk, and they remained silent for a long moment, the unsurety of what else to say hanging like a weight in the air.
It was easier in that moment to just reach for him in the semi-darkness. She pushed her mouth softly but confidently against his, catching him off guard, determined not to allow another word to be spoken. He was a little surprised by her boldness, his body stiffening for a moment before relaxing, as she pressed another soft sweet kiss against his lips, unwilling to go further, to touch him fully, until he allowed it. Erin thought her forwardness was something that would always take him by surprise and it made her smile despite the bittersweet situation.
She wanted to bring him pleasure, not pain or sorrow or regret, and right now she could give him that. His mouth responded gently, lips parting, allowing her access to anything she wanted. Her fingertips began to explore him in gentle soft waves, flowing and ebbing across supple warm skin. He yielded easily to her every whim and desire, allowing her to do what she willed, rewarding her exploration with deep content sighs.
When they were both breathless, flushed and impatient for more, Erin moved, careful of his injury, and sat astride his lap, casually pulling at material, until skin pressed to skin, and then gently, she took him. Enclosing him in warmth and devotion with her body. He closed his eyes at the sensation, his head lolling back as a low rumble of profound pleasure escaped his parted lips and he let out a long-restrained breath through his nose. It took all of her own willpower to not allow herself to be swept away, to push back aching wants and just be still. Allowing the sensation to wash over them, to feel every breath and flex of muscle in a moment where they were connected. Erin brushed a hand across his face, following the curves of features and muscle to soft eager lips, that kissed each of her finger pads in turn with sweet tender affection, his own fingers coming to help his mouth glide across palm and wrist, as if every inch of her needed to feel that touch.
Erin watched, transfixed by him, his eyes closed, lips pressing a constant thrill of tiny electric pleasure to sensitive skin and then he was urging her back to his mouth, lips connecting in a slow and pulsing kiss. Her hips began to move, rocking very gently, and his breath hitched against her mouth, deepening the kiss as his hands continued to explore, up to shoulders, to neck, and down past collarbone, to rest warm and heavy at her chest, palm against her heart, his breaths becoming harsher, hungry for more.
Using his shoulders as leverage, tenderly Erin moved, slow and deliberate, making sure every moment was heightened and every slow burn of deep pressure was prolonged. And just as she had in the infirmary, he bore it, losing a little more of himself with each lethargic buck. Erin pressed soft kisses against his brow and cheeks, dipping to his lips with lingering slowness, her eyes always finding his, wanting him to see how much she wanted him in this intoxicating moment. She did indeed feel as if she was drunk on honey wine and desire, his mouth bitter and sweet, peaches and herbs, skin salty as she tasted him, savouring every potent moment. His hands curled around her waist and hips, gently coaxing her motions onwards, needing more of her, but Erin denied him the heady exhilaration and satisfaction of a fast frantic release.
He tried so very valiantly to allow her to be the leader, the victor, the warrior, the one in control. His lips pressing together from the effort, his expression fleetingly passing through pleasure and torment until he could stand no more. Hands and lips suddenly pushed back against her own, possessive, and demanding that they both give in to one last sweet gratifying moment. And Erin truly let go of everything, giving in to desire, giving in to him, her breathing mingling with sounds of gasped pleasure, that she couldn't define were her own or his.
Erin let him take all he wanted, and he loved her completely in the veiled moonlight.
/
A/N
Hello, a good Friday to all. I am indeed back with my longest chapter to date. I hope this makes up for a missed one last week.
A big thank you to Flowangelic, MohawkWoman and Guest for your reviews. I'm glad to know someone is enjoying this weighty beast of a story! :)))
So, this chapter, how I love and loathe this chapter! I had to work on it a little longer than most because of its length, and one day I'd love it, the next I'd be like EW! No! What am I writing! This is crap! Then back to... Oh it's actually not bad. So I hope it falls somewhere in the middle.
Now this story is as long as it is, and I am re-editing the closing of the plot and many little arcs will (hopefully) start to pull together, I worry about my limitations as a writer. I am aware of them and know I can be long winded, overly purple at times and maybe even confusing in my plot-lines and character development. I find myself thinking, am I telling the story well enough? Are my readers understanding what I am trying to say in my text or am I not doing a good job? Is it too boring and long? Is the theme I had in my head actually being put onto paper (so to speak)?
I know many writers, fanfic and not, have these worries too. It's hard to step out of your own head and look at your work objectively. In the end I have to trust in myself and the story I wanted to tell and hope it makes sense to some of you out there. At some point we have to let go and find peace with the fact that no one is going to read any story the same way. Some will like it, some won't. I have found that harder to come to terms with because of the added negativity about the pairings in this story, but I am slowly learning to let go and allow things to just be what they are. This is a story I wanted to read but couldn't find, so I made my own. I have to look at it as simply that.
Next chapter... let's see if any guesses as to what is to come are right!
So, until next time. Goodbye my friends.
