A/N:
Well... Hey again over there :)
I have written this fic over most of the past year, and for the majority of the time, I hated it haha because writing it has been an incredibly complicated adventure at times, so I left it among my docs for a long time. Months later, I read it again and discovered that it wasn't as bad as I thought, but I still wasn't encouraged to publish it… And today, almost a year later, I am here with the prologue.
I have had parts of this story in my mind for YEARS, scenes written that couldn't connect with each other, and nothing seemed to work until last year when I started finding a way, and I could never have done it without the help, patience, and support of my incredible beta, Dani -Dani.r.87- thank you, my friend!
Here you have the prologue, which helps to set the story, the characters, and is the beginning of all the chaos and tears that I will put these two through later on... I won't lie to you, it's a long path filled with anguish and drama... But if you want to join, I'll be glad you do! :)
I hope you enjoy it!
It's another night of relentless downpours of rain in Seattle, but they decided to go on with their weekly date nonetheless. If rain disrupted their plans, they'd never do anything in this city, so they had no choice but to get used to living among the raindrops. Six years later, the weekly dates still happen almost religiously every week, becoming one of the most cherished traditions in their marriage.
Due to the rain, the restaurant only has one of its doors open. Harvey enters first, with Donna following behind, their hands intertwined. This is one of their favorite restaurants in Seattle, and the waiter at the door doesn't even need to ask if they have a reservation; of course, they do, always at the same table—an intimate and secluded one, away from the bustling crowd, where they can pretend to be completely alone, just savoring each other's company.
Once they step inside, shedding their bulkier coats and shaking off the droplets from the umbrella, Harvey encounters a brief delay, affording Donna the chance to catch up with him and wrap her hands around his arm as they stride toward their designated table.
Harvey gallantly aids her in shedding her lighter coat and courteously pulls out the chair for her to settle into. It is a gesture that is only made on their dinner dates; it is a tiny thing that makes Harvey really happy, and Donna feels the same way. As they settle across from each other at the table, he promptly reaches for her hand, and in response, a sincere smile graces Donna's lips.
"Today marks exactly six years since we had our first weekly date without talking about work," he says as if it were an anniversary as easy to remember as their wedding date.
"God, six years since I found out you watch Oprah in the mornings?" She laughs, and Harvey can't help but join in. "I still feel like I'm dreaming when I find you watching it."
"Excuse me." He raises his eyebrow, exuding utter arrogance. "I think Oprah's advice worked out just fine."
Donna grins and affectionately squeezes his hand. "It worked out wonderfully, but I can't believe you remember the date, Harvey."
He winks and says, "Six years later, and I still manage to surprise you." She laughs heartily because she is still completely infatuated with him and believes she will be till the day she dies. "And I mean, Ricky Garfield's mom played by you is hard to wipe from my memory," he says in a sultry tone, enjoying the way his wife's cheeks flush.
As they're about to continue, a waiter approaches, and they effortlessly place their order without glancing at the menu. Familiar with their favorite dishes, they've already made up their minds, opting for their usual pasta dishes and a bottle of red wine.
Once alone again, Donna looks at Harvey with a hint of seriousness. "Honestly, please. Is my hair somewhat presentable? I feel like the rain is making me look like the Lion King." Harvey can't stifle a laugh at her comparison. Leaning in a bit closer, he rearranges some strands of hair that fell on the wrong side. "You didn't think of telling me this before the waiter arrived, did you?" she huffs.
Harvey shrugs. "You know I'm too lost in your eyes," he says, injecting a hint of drama akin to a romantic comedy.
She giggles loudly, covering her mouth with her hand. "You're an idiot!" she retorts, reaching for her phone.
"No phones," he reminds her.
"I just want to see myself on the front camera. I still don't know how much I can trust you," she says playfully, and Harvey is tempted to playfully kick her under the table. However, he restrains himself, considering his muddy shoes and the risk of ruining her dress, and Donna momentarily hates him for it. So, he opts for patience and waits for her to check her appearance in the camera.
"See? Can you trust me now?" He asks when he sees her put her phone away without making any changes to her hair. She just rolls her eyes. "You won't stop rolling your eyes, will you?"
"Nope, get used to it," she responds with a mischievous smile on her lips that is immediately reflected on his.
A little while later, their food is served in front of them. Their wine glasses are filled. Donna is savoring a bite of her ravioli while he takes a sip of wine, his gaze fixed on her. Though she's accustomed to Harvey stealing glances at her, she senses there's something more at play. Typically at ease during their weekly dates, his slightly tensed shoulders, clenched jaw, and furrowed brow signal that something is occupying his mind.
"What do you have to say?" she says after swallowing. "Come on, spit it out at once."
"Can't I just look at you?" he asks, caught off guard.
"Yes, but you have something to say."
He snorts, frustrated. "I just want to have one secret with you."
She just chuckles. When will he learn? "You know you can't."
"But you're making it seem like a big deal."
"Come on, say it!"
"Alright." Harvey nods and places his fingers over her palm, where her hand rests on the table. "I was just thinking that we still haven't taken that trip to Verona... We keep postponing it for something else, and I think we should stop doing that."
Donna entwines her fingers with his and smiles at him. "I can't deny that it sounds wonderful, but why are you suggesting it now?"
"Because it doesn't make sense to keep putting off something we want to do, and summer is coming. We haven't taken more than a week off since our honeymoon, and I just want to spend time with you," he replies, his thumb sweetly caressing her wrist.
"You're right, and it is a big deal." She smiles and squeezes his hand. "We'll do it." With her free hand, she raises her wine glass, and Harvey follows suit. "Here's to us in Verona."
"To us in Verona," Harvey responds with a huge smile adorning his face, and they both take a sip of wine. Harvey can't resist and leans over the table to give his wife a brief kiss on her lips, and she can't help but smile like she always does when he kisses her unsuspectingly.
The dinner continues amidst plans for their trip to Verona, and although Donna is genuinely excited about the idea of traveling with him, there's an underlying weight building within her. She had intended to share something with him tonight, and now she feels a sense of hesitation. Not because she's angry with him—she knows his intentions are pure, and they both wanted to visit Verona long before they became a couple and then it became a shared plan. However, a nagging feeling creeps in, as if the universe is playing a cruel trick on her. There's a deep wish she's longed to express and share with him, something that has been on her mind for so long that she needs to say it out loud for once, and she hopes tonight she has the courage to do it, even if this trip doesn't align with what she aims to share.
Despite this, she attempts to relax. Being with him is her safe place, and she reassures herself that she can talk to him later.
Anyway, the impending conversation still nags at her, adding a layer of worry.
"You here?" Harvey asks, bringing her back from her train of thought.
"Yes, yes, sorry," she replies, fidgeting with her fingers on the base of her wine glass and still not looking at him.
"Sure?"
"Yes, Harvey, I just got distracted for a moment. I think I'm starting to have a headache." She lies and feels terrible about it. Knowing how much he values her loyalty, she hates lying to his husband, even on little things like this.
"That's because you don't wear your glasses, Donna. You don't even have contacts on, do you?" and he worries about her, which makes her feel worse.
"You know it makes me uncomfortable to wear them."
"When are you going to stop being so stubborn and wear those pretty glasses we picked out together?"
She laughs, feeling caught. "Never?"
"Stubborn!" he repeats, and she rolls her eyes at him again. "Alright, we'll discuss that later, again. Sharing a slice of chocolate cake with me will help with that headache?"
She chuckles and nods. "Yes, please," It won't help with the fake headache, but it sure will help with the knot in her stomach.
Harvey knows that when they share, it practically means she'll eat most of it, so she always gets to choose. One reason they prefer this part of the restaurant is the shared loveseat at the tables. Before dessert arrives, they sit together there. Donna snuggles up to his side, dropping her head on his shoulder, and closes her eyes, allowing the ambient light sounds to envelop her as he wraps his arm around her.
Her mind returns to the familiar spiral from weeks ago. She craves a change, something for herself, but she can't share it with him. She had hoped to discuss it during dinner, just like all the previous dinners on their weekly dates or any shared meals at home. Even while watching TV or cuddling in bed, she considered broaching the subject. Yet, something always disrupted the moment—a comment from him that made her feel it wasn't right the moment, causing her to retreat. As much as she yearned for a change in her life, she was equally determined to remain his wife and not cause him pain, and she was not quite sure what the right approach to this was.
For years, she willingly took on the roles of his secretary and friend, pushing down her own feelings to shield him from any potential pain or new trauma. In her devotion, she sacrificed more for him than anyone else because her love for him surpasses all else.
She knows that Harvey Specter harbors an intense fear of change and abandonment, and she also knows that, at least in an unconscious way, he will interpret her wish in that way, which is her biggest fear right now.
Yet she acknowledges the unfairness to herself and the multitude of sacrifices she's already endured for him, and she believes that, at least for once, she deserves Harvey adjusting to something for her. So she decides tonight will be the night; she can't keep going with this wish choked on her chest.
"Will you let me have at least one bite of the cake?" Harvey's fingers move absentmindedly on her shoulder, and she slides her hand over his abdomen, yearning for an even closer connection.
Donna giggles and smooches his neck. "I don't know; it depends on how big it is."
Harvey chuckles against her head and gives her a sweet kiss on the forehead. "You're terrible!"
Donna chuckles again and places her hand on his thigh, reaching down to his knee. "You know how this works. If you want to eat more than a couple of bites, you have to get a slice just for yourself."
"The times I tried that, you still ended up eating most of my slice as well."
Donna lifts her head and looks at him seriously. "You don't like them unless they have strawberries and whipped cream; you just leave the rest."
Harvey raises an eyebrow. "That's your fault."
"My fault?"
"I've been ordering those desserts for years, just because they reminded me of you. Now, the rest just feels too sweet."
"Should I take that as something naughty or romantic?" she asks, giving his knee a squeeze.
Harvey scrunches his nose a bit. "A mix of both."
Donna bites her lower lip, laughing softly, and pecks his lips. "You've never ordered them in front of me."
"I didn't want to make you uncomfortable."
Donna raises her eyebrow, not believing it, not for a second. "I want a more convincing answer, please."
"Okay, I didn't want to tempt myself."
"Alright, now I do buy that." She replies with a smile, and he just chuckles.
The waiter interrupts them, bringing the slice of cake and two forks to the table, along with two coffees. Donna is the first to take a bite and savor the cake, and Harvey can't help but watch her, reveling in how her face lights up with enjoyment.
"Stop looking at me like that!" she giggles and smooches his cheek.
Harvey grins. "Never." He is the one who kisses her cheek now and bites into the cake. "It's delicious, but it's too sweet for his taste. In his opinion, no one needs four different chocolates in a cake except, of course, Donna.
So he only takes a few more bites, while Donna genuinely relishes the cake. As the minutes pass, amid kisses, cuddles, and smiles, they finish the cake and coffee. Donna gets up to use the restroom, and when she returns, she grabs the coat left on her chair and puts it on. Then she sits back next to her husband, crossing her arms. Harvey immediately wraps his arms around her, and she settles into the space under his chin, letting him rub her arms and back with his palms, trying to provide some warmth.
"You're always cold; how is that possible?"
"I don't know, and it's not pleasant."
"I thought you liked it when I hugged you."
Donna pulls away from him to look at him, shaking her head with a silly smile on her lips. "I do like that, always. Especially to fall asleep."
"It's good to know because I'll be hugging you for the rest of my life," he murmurs against her cheek, wrapping his arms around her again. This time, Donna also embraces him and rests her cheek on his shoulder, her cold nose brushing against his neck. "God, your nose is freezing."
"Sorry," she whispers.
Harvey sweetly kisses her cheek. "It's okay. Should we ask for the check?"
"You hate leaving right after we finish eating."
"But you're cold. We can leave if you want."
She smiles like a fool. "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am... Besides, I want to cuddle with you."
"Yeah, sure, you just want to cuddle," she says with an ironic tone.
"You said you were having a headache," he murmurs with a tone so sweet that it makes her feel even worse.
She pulls away from him slightly. "It's just a little, and it's come and gone all day, so it won't be a problem," Donna explains, and this is not a lie; it truly happened all day in the office, and maybe he's right; it's about the glasses. And she thinks it might be a little easier to talk after making love with him.
Harvey smiles like a child. "We'll ask for the check now." She smiles back, having guessed his reaction before, and Harvey kisses her.
Within a few minutes, they find themselves at the restaurant's entrance, with the Uber just one minute away. Harvey usually drives because he loves being the one to take his wife out, but that night it was raining too much, so they preferred to be driven.
He opens his umbrella and is keeping his wife close, attempting to shield her from the rain and cold simultaneously.
"The day you brought up the idea of moving to Seattle, we didn't properly discuss the weather," Donna says, laughing against his neck.
"Regrets?"
"None." She smooches his neck, and Harvey smiles.
"Good, because I'm getting wet more than you."
"This umbrella should be enough for both of us."
"Yes, but I'm trying to cover you more."
"You know that's not necessary," she reminds him once again.
"I know, I just want to do it." He kisses her on the head, and the Uber pulls up right in front of them. Harvey holds the umbrella to shield her from getting too wet as she gets into the car, not caring if he gets wet himself—something he consistently does, and it's one of the many things she loves about him.
• ∞ • ∞ • ∞ •
"Harvey, you don't need to do so much for me," she says. It was one of the first times they had gone out on one of their weekly dates in Seattle, and it was also raining.
"I know, Donna, I just want to do it," he replies honestly, holding the umbrella over her and trying to fit himself underneath it as well.
"You really do not have to; I can manage the rain and the cold, even though I do not like it."
"I know you don't need it. I know you can take care of yourself, and I love that about you. I know I don't have to speak for you because you can do it yourself. I just want to take care of you in the small things, like you have done for me for over a decade."
And that was one of the few times Donna was left speechless in front of him. She didn't expect such a deep and sincere response over an umbrella, and she must endure the deep desire to jump on top of him right now and kiss him passionately. "Only if you let me keep taking care of you." She murmurs in response, her fingers delicately tracing his jaw.
"I promise." He answers as a smile floods his face.
"Deal." She smiles back at him and briefly kisses his lips.
"If anything ever bothers you, you can tell me, and I'll stop doing it. Okay?"
"Okay." She nods and kisses him again.
• ∞ • ∞ • ∞ •
The Uber ride happens in silence, as it usually does when they travel by taxi. They don't feel too comfortable talking with someone else listening, so they simply hold hands in the middle, their fingers caressing each other as if they need to remind themselves that they are there for each other.
Upon arriving home, they promptly shed their wet clothes. Before Donna can do much else, Harvey kisses her and pulls her close to his body. "So… Are you sure you feel okay?" he mutters, his hands traveling down to her buttocks.
She smiles against his lips when she feels him squeezing her. "Absolutely, Harvey."
Harvey smiles, already feeling his body throb with anticipation. "Come here then." He kisses her again and clumsily guides her toward the bedroom. Once there, the first thing he does, without breaking the kiss, is reach for the air conditioner remote and turn it on to warm up the room, another detail that Donna greatly appreciates. However, in a while, their body heat will probably be enough because of his intimate and dirty care.
• ∞ • ∞ • ∞ •
Donna moves away from her position on top of him and collapses onto the bed, still riding the waves of pleasure, her skin sweaty and tingling. A huge smile adorns her face.
Harvey turns to lie on his side and looks at her, tucking her hair behind her ear and then placing his hand on her waist, pulling her closer to him, each with their head on their respective pillows. Donna nuzzles her nose against his, still smiling, her eyes closed, her hand moving up his arm.
"That was good," she murmurs, and she feels him pinching her waist. "Ouch!"
She playfully kicks her foot up against his leg, and he scrunches up his face, asking, "Just good?"
"Same as always?" she giggles.
"Say it."
She rolls her eyes. "That was excellent," she says honestly, as he wraps both arms around her and hovers over her to tenderly kiss her.
"No need to lie, Paulsen."
"I thought the way I yelled your name would be enough, you know?" She raises her eyebrow, challenging him.
"I want everything."
"I know, you're Harvey Specter. You never settle for anything less."
He smirks. "With you, I want everything, and I have everything." Donna deeply exhales, and her face creases against her will, causing Harvey's brow to furrow as well. "Ok, Donna. Since we were at the restaurant, you have wanted to tell me something, and I'm beginning to feel a little afraid." He says it bluntly because he can read her too, and she already knows that.
"No, no, wait." She responds immediately and runs her hands up his back, trying to calm him, although she feels him tense up. "It's not about our marriage. You don't need to be afraid. You know I love you, and I'm very happy with you." Harvey nods. "And being your wife is one of the most beautiful things that has ever happened to me." She explains with a lovely tone. Although she knows he knows all of that, she also knows that he needs to hear it from time to time.
"Yes, but now there's a 'but' coming." He grunts, scratching the back of his neck as if that gesture might dilute his nerves a little.
Donna nods, and she just says it. "I know you do, but I don't feel like I have everything, Harvey."
Those words immediately transport their minds back to the past, dredging up memories they'd rather forget.
"You're capable of looking at me that way, but you don't want to let those worlds collide because you're afraid of risk anything."
"Because you have everything."
"No, Harvey, you have everything!"
"So you're saying you want everything?"
"I don't know Harvey, but what I do know is I don't want your pity."
Their throats close up at the same time as their hearts race because that was one of the most complex moments of their relationship, and because besides the time Donna had dared to kiss him, it was when they felt the farthest apart.
Harvey moves off of her, sensing that a serious conversation is coming. Donna reaches for him, crossing her arm over him and caressing his bicep with her thumb. "Why do you always think everything is tragic?" she murmurs, reading his body language, and planting kisses on the side of his face. "It's just something I want to share with you. But that has nothing to do with the way I love you, okay? That won't ever change."
"I'm sorry, you know I can be a bit dramatic." He says this with his eyes closed, striving to avoid the worst-case scenarios in his mind.
Donna lifts her head slightly and sweetly kisses his lips. "Please erase that 'my wife is going to ask for a divorce' look off your face. I'll go to the restroom and tell you." She says it with a giggle, seeking to de-escalate the situation a little.
"So, it's not about asking for a divorce?"
"Harvey Specter!" she growls, hitting him with a pillow. "The words divorce and your name never go together in my mind."
He sighs with relief. "Okay, I'll wait here."
"Fine," she mutters, kissing him. "I love you; you know that?"
He smiles warmly. "I love you too," he replies and kisses her back.
"2 minutes, and I'll be back." Harvey nods, and Donna goes to the bathroom.
Harvey Specter is neither a man who likes changes nor one who knows how to deal with them. The only change he had quickly adapted to was being Donna's couple, but that's because he had been preparing for that for over a decade. No other change in his life had been easy for him, and it all started with the chaos with his mother. Since then, every change has made him stagger. He is a man of routines and habits, a man who needs to have everything under control and needs everything to be the way he wants it to be. He always needs the same people around him, and he finds it very difficult to get close to new ones. It had even taken him months to get used to living on the other side of the country, in a completely different state, with a different routine, a different job, and a different life. And he knows it was his idea, and he's sure it was the best decision because now he gets to spend so much more time with his wife, but it was still hard for him.
All changes are hard for him.
And he knows Donna wouldn't talk to him about something unimportant. He knows she wants a change; he can see it in her expression and in the care she's taking with him, and panic completely takes hold of him.
He knows it from her expression, and he knows it from her words: "I don't feel like I have everything, Harvey."
That sentence immediately transports him back several years, to the beginning of one of the most challenging stages of his life. It was the first time he really had to confront all his ghosts and demons. It was the first time he allowed himself to feel it, or rather, when he had no other option but to feel the panic spreading through his body like tar.
And he's scared—scared because his mind has been there ever since Donna said it, and he feels like she's taking too long. Although it's not true, she doesn't take more than 4 minutes, but for Harvey, it seems like an eternity.
A few minutes later, she returns to bed with her husband, wearing a silk robe, although she hasn't bothered to put on underwear. Harvey is sitting against the headboard of the bed, the blankets covering him up to his hips.
He avoids looking at her, afraid that his gaze will give away information he doesn't want to reveal. She notices, but she doesn't say anything; she just joins him, tucking her legs under the blankets and lightly brushing his legs with her feet. She leans her body against his, which eases him a little, and then rests her head on his shoulder as their fingers intertwine. Donna's thumb glides over his hand, and he allows himself to close his eyes for a few seconds, enjoying that warmth.
Donna feels her heart pounding fiercely against her chest, but nothing compares to Harvey's. He feels like his heart is trying to burst out of his chest, growing stronger with each beat.
"Promise me you'll listen without freaking out." He hears her murmur, and he opens his eyes.
Harvey nods, his chin resting on her head. "I promise. I'm sorry if..."
She interrupts him. "I know your mind reacts like that, and I know you're trying hard to change it. There's nothing I need to forgive you for." She pauses and lifts her head to look at him, the reconnection of their gazes calming him a little. "But I do need you to listen to me; can you do that for me?"
Harvey smiles shyly, trying to hide the flood of emotions running through him at that moment, and raises their joined hands to kiss her knuckles, one by one. "I'm listening," he murmurs, his lips grazing her knuckles.
Donna takes a deep breath and pulls away just inches from him because she wants to say this, looking him in the face. "I want to leave the firm," she finally lets it out. "I've worked enough time in law, and yes, I do like it, and I feel like I've accomplished many things... And I know we both decided to come here for a change, not only personally but also professionally. I have no regrets about coming here with you. I love the life we have and everything we do and share outside of work. I even love our lunches outside the office, but... I feel like I need something more."
"What do you feel you need?" Harvey asks, trying to keep the nerves from showing in his voice because imagining a daily life at work without Donna around all the time scares him to the core.
"There's a dream I abandoned a long time ago, but it's still alive in me." She says it with a bit of disappointment but also with hope. "At that time, I decided to follow you, and I don't regret it, Harvey. But this time, I need to do something that's 100% for me." She pauses, and her eyes fill with tears, finally giving way to all the emotions that have flooded her for weeks, even months. "Working by your side has given me wonderful things, and it's true that economically, I probably couldn't have achieved or had any of what I've done and what I have. It's true that I followed you because I wanted to be by your side, and as I said, I don't regret that. But it's also true that I followed you because I needed to settle down, and my idea of being an actress wasn't flourishing as I had hoped."
"I'm sorry if that was my fault," he says, lowering his gaze to the blankets.
"It's not your fault in any way. It was my decision, Harvey. And, like I said, I don't regret it. I love the life we've built, and I know that everything we've been through is what brought us here. I wouldn't change anything about our relationship. Being your wife makes me very happy. You make me very happy."
"But?" he exhales.
"But I want a change in my professional life. That's all. I know I can do it now without worrying about money, and that's also thanks to you."
"So... not staying at the firm?" He looks back at her, and the panic in his brown eyes makes her feel so guilty.
Donna sighs, looking for some courage to keep going. "No, Harvey. I want to give acting another try." She pauses, nervously biting the inside of her cheek. "But I can't do it if you don't support me... Because I don't want what we have to change." Harvey exhales sharply, letting his body deflate. And though what Donna says scares him, the truth is that it's something he could bear. It's something he'd be willing to endure for her, or so he thinks. "Say something, please," she whispers, on the verge of tears.
"So, what you want is to give acting another try?" He asks, even though he already knows, to see if he can process it better.
"Yes, that."
He spreads his arms. "Come here." He murmurs, and Donna can't help but smile as she approaches and snuggles into him. Her husband's body envelops her, and finally, she feels like she can breathe peacefully as if with each exhale, several pounds of weight leave her. "Of course, you have my support, Donna." He whispers. "I want you to be happy."
"Thank you." She sniffles, clinging to him with her arms, her head nestled in the hollow under his chin, feeling one of his hands cradle her head and his fingers tangle in her hair.
"Did you doubt that I'd support you?" He asks with a hint of fear because, although he knows this will be very difficult for him, he would never hesitate to support her.
"No, it's not that." She sniffs against him and then pulls back a bit to look at him. "I've had this on my mind for months, Harvey." She sobs and wipes her tears with her fingers. "I tried to tell you so many times, but there was always something you said or something that happened that made me postpone it, and I convinced myself it wasn't the right time."
"I'm sorry, Donna. I never wanted you to feel like you couldn't tell me." He says it with a clear tone of guilt in his voice. He is aware that Donna often overprotects him, and that makes him feel really bad.
She nods in response. "I know, Harvey." She pauses. "I was afraid to tell you. On one hand, because I know you struggle with change and I don't want to do anything that would jeopardize our marriage, because I'm so happy with you, Harvey. And secondly, because now that I've said it, it stops being just an idea in my mind." She sighs deeply, and Harvey wraps her hand again. "I guess now comes the time to try to make it a reality, and that scares me."
Harvey smiles at her tenderly and lies on his side next to her. "Come, lie down too." Donna nods and does so, lying in front of him face-to-face. Harvey affectionately tucks her hair behind her ear and then runs his index finger from her forehead down the bridge of her nose until reaching the tip, causing Donna to smirk and close her eyes. "I don't know anyone braver than you, Donna."
"You say that because you love me." She giggles foolishly.
"It's true; I do. We're married for that reason because we love each other. And since we're married and since I've known you for more than a third of my life, I can speak about you with firsthand knowledge." He mumbles, dropping his forehead onto hers, his hand gently cradling her neck. "Having faith in each other is what has always kept us afloat, Donna. I have faith in you more than in anyone else, and it's not just because I love you; it's because I know you."
"Thank you, Harvey." She sobs with a smile and drags her fingers along his arm as Harvey closes the slight distance that remains between them with a sweet kiss that envelops them both. Their tongues and bodies entwine, but so do their minds.
He tries to find all the confidence he needs there. Confidence in her and confidence in himself. Confidence in the love they have for each other.
Harvey is trying to look sure, trying to give her reassurance because, damn it, the only thing that matters to him in this world is to make that woman happy, but that doesn't mean that fear isn't seeping into his bones. Because… How compatible can the lives of a lawyer and a theater actress be?
Donna, on her part, is trying to absorb all the love and trust in that kiss because now she feels literally on the edge of leaping into the void, and she could never jump into the void without being sure that Harvey is waiting below to catch her if her parachute fails. She needs to be sure of that.
And just as Harvey knows her too well, she also knows him too well, and she knows that Harvey and change have always been enemies.
So now she not only carries the burden of wanting to leave her career in the administrative world of law and jump into the void to pursue her old dream of being an actress, but amid it all, she knows she'll have to make a huge effort to keep her marriage from wavering as if it were in the midst of an earthquake.
When both feel their lungs burning from lack of air, they part their lips, gasping, but their bodies remain entwined, their foreheads touching.
"If I jump into the void, I need to be sure that you'll be there to catch me if things go wrong," she says. "I may be a strong woman, but I don't want to be a strong woman away from you," she says, letting out her utter vulnerability in front of him.
Harvey nods and moves up her face, brushing his lips, until he gives her a meaningful kiss on the forehead. "I'll be down there, but I'm sure it will be to see you fly," he whispers with his lips pressed against her skin.
"Just having you there is all I need."
Harvey envelops her in his arms, and she quickly settles into him. "I'll be there, I promise."
Donna sighs with relief and takes the opportunity to immerse herself in the scent of his skin, just an inch away from her nostrils. "This means the world to me; thank you, Harvey. I love you." She purrs, holding on to him.
"We're a team, Donna; we'll make it." He answers her, trying to sound as sure of his words as he can. "I love you too." He mutters and holds her tightly.
Without saying more, they spent several minutes entwined with each other. Although their bodies seem calm, their minds remain too tangled, despite their attempts to silence them. And they both know it; they know that the other's gears are moving too fast inside.
Harvey is the first to pull back slightly and spend a few seconds in silence, looking directly into her eyes. "You'll make it, Donna." He whispers.
She smiles widely at him, still with teary eyes. "Thank you." He smiles back and sweetly kisses her. "God, I think I need something strong before I can sleep."
"Wasn't all the wine at dinner enough?"
She giggles playfully. "No, it wasn't."
"Does that mean I should go get two scotches?"
"Well, since you suggested it..."
Harvey chuckles, biting his lip. "You're so obvious!"
"I didn't do anything." She giggles, too.
"Sure." Harvey rolls his eyes, and after giving her one last kiss, he stands up.
"Fuck, I choose my husband so damn well," Donna exclaims, her gaze fixed on him standing naked before her, arms wrapped around a pillow.
"Do you like what you see?" he asks proudly, giving a subtle twirl on his feet.
Donna grins at him, sensually biting the side of her lower lip. "Very much."
"You'll like it even more if I come back with a drink in each hand."
"Indeed."
"I'll do my best." He responds and turns to leave. Donna keeps her eyes on his workout butt as he walks away.
Just a few minutes later, he returns with a glass of Scotch in each hand.
"How do I make my husband look sexier? Send him to fetch alcohol," she raises an eyebrow, looking at him.
Harvey sits down next to her with a smile and offers her one of the glasses. "So, do you have a fantasy of me being a waiter?"
Donna scrunches her face. "Huh? No!" she giggles. "Of course, I have fantasies, but none involve costumes of any kind." She says this and takes a sip of her drink.
"Maybe now that you want to get back into acting, you're getting interested in the whole costume thing; who knows?"
She laughs again. "You're such a goof!"
"Don't tell me that. What if I have fantasies too?" He takes a sip from his glass.
Donna rolls her eyes. "I know you. You hate costumes; you've had enough of that stuff in your past. You might want to do other things. For example, I know you're dying to fuck me in the file room here since we couldn't do it in New York."
"Would you?" Donna nods, and a huge, mischievous smile spreads across Harvey's face. "Why haven't you said it before? My opportunities are starting to be limited."
"Find the right moment, and we'll do it," she says without thinking about it too much, and she gulps another sip. It sounds crazy, but the idea turns her on too.
"Oh God, you're the best!" he says, leaning in to kiss her on the lips.
"Yes, I already know that," she shrugs while scrunching her nose and then takes another sip. "Would you do it for me?"
"What?" he asks, taking a sip of his drink.
"Dress up."
"Yeah, if it's something you want."
Donna bursts into laughter. "Don't lie to me, Harvey Specter!"
"I'm not lying!" But he can't help but laugh too.
"You wouldn't wear a firefighter costume even if you were dead."
"Firefighter?" He scrunches his face.
She laughs out loud. "It was the most ridiculous example that came to my mind." And silence falls between them as they both take another sip of their drinks. "Anyway, don't worry, I'm not interested in doing that." Harvey sighs in relief, and she can't help but laugh again. She loves to make fun of him. "Although we've never fulfilled what I asked of you... I think if we do it in the file room, it's only fair that you fulfill a fantasy of mine too."
"Do you really want us to film ourselves fucking?" He asks without much enthusiasm and takes one last long sip of his drink.
"I really do, and I can't believe you're feeling shy about it!"
"No, it's not shyness." He responds, avoiding her gaze and setting the glass on his nightstand.
"Sure." Donna answers and finishes her drink too.
"Alright. We'll do both," he promises.
"Okay, I'll hold you to that," she responds, and she also places her glass on her nightstand.
They lean in to give each other a kiss that is kind of hot but also very sweet, and then fall back onto the bed.
As if it were a choreography they already know by heart (which, in fact, it is), they settle there, entwined with each other.
A few minutes pass in silence, although both are a bit restless, and it's not something physical; they're uneasy and somewhat nervous. They both know that the conversation they just had was a desperate attempt to lighten the mood, but it hasn't worked very well. Their feet move under the sheets, while their fingers lightly and playfully tap each other's skin.
They try to reassure themselves and each other but with little success.
Harvey is who breaks the silence after countless minutes of restlessness, whispering in her ear, "Do you really think a firefighter is more ridiculous than a construction worker?"
Donna can't help but burst into laughter, making him laugh too. "Or a pirate?"
"Wait, wait... what about a priest? Do you have any sins to confess?" He says, trying to hold back his laughter, but they both burst into laughter again until tears came to their eyes.
Laughing together, as always, relaxes them, but not as much as they wish or need right now.
The laughing gradually fades, and they are once again enveloped in solitude, broken only by the sound of their quiet breathing—a sound that radically contrasts with their inner turmoil.
As every night, Harvey envelops Donna in his arms, allowing her to nestle her body in her favorite spot: against him. The redhead battles with frightful insomnia, and he knows that holding her tenderly against him helps her fall asleep faster, so it's something he willingly does every night—even if it has brought him more than one annoying backache in the morning.
That embrace tonight feels different. It's stronger and more meaningful than usual as if it's impossible to let go of each other. Both feel that if they do, everything will collapse; they need to ensure that they will be there, latched onto each other, as it has always been.
The only significant change in their relationship that had gone well, almost without problems, was being able to confess what they felt after more than 12 years of waiting.
Everything else had always been a mess; no change had gone well on the first try; everything had wobbled first.
Thank you so much for reading and making it to the end! You know that a review would mean the world to me :)
