Hello my beloved friends.
Long time no see! I wanted to leave an update and note, I am alive. Shocker, I know. It has been a crazy time⦠a lot of self-discovery, growth, pain, joy, sadness, and happiness. For the past three years I've been discerning what God's role for me when he was alive.
Having come back to the church, and literally being saved by the hand of Saint Joan of Arc started me on a profound journey of coming to learn who I was, breaking up the lies I've told about myself, and lies I held about others and the world. It was a long and painful process, but my hand was being help by Jesus, I was cloaked by Mother Mary, and pushed forward, carried, and sometimes kicked in the rear by St. Joan of Arc.
During this journey, I've lost a good friends, who I love deeply because my beliefs didn't coincide with the ideologies of the world. While I mourn their loss, they still and will always have a special place in my heart, and I will continue to pray for them. But at the sametime, God is the only one that can make good come out of evil, and this was true.
Recently, I was injured by an antibiotic, called Levofloxacin, a very potent antibiotic that did a number on my tendons, muscles, joints, and nerves, and it is hard to tell if things will progress, stay the course, or go away and be healed, but I leave it in God's hands, and I continue to ask for your prayers. I don't say this to get pity, but to be honest.
This forced me to dramatically change my life and deeply examine myself and my relationship with God. I had discovered that my relationship with God was still surface level, and that I was doing prayers not to be communion and an intimate relationship with God, but to make myself feel better by checking off boxes and to cover up a deep wound.
The point of this Message
I feel I am called to let go of fanfiction in a permanent manner. This is because I have been struggling with a very deep wound of rejection for a very long time. It has manifested itself in several unhealthy manners that was hindering my relationship with God.
Fanfiction offered a place for me to escape instead of entering into my heart and facing the wounds I was trying to cope with instead of healing with our Lord. I craved the attention, the likes, the reviews, the engagement, it fed me. It made me feel accepted and loved, a part of something that i could give to myself, I based my identity off of the stories I wrote.
Another reason why I feel I had to do this, was that fanfiction fed certain unhealthy habits, compulsions, and sins that I wanted/want to be free of, and while I don't use fanfiction often, there is still this attachment due to this account.
The reasons I give are as follow. Fate and RWBY was inherently and actively promoting beliefs contrary to my faith and while I loved these stories, I realized I was complicit in supporting these beliefs.
White-washing evil, the occult, and other beliefs, I can't bring Christianity into something inherently anti-Christian. The anti-Christian roots will allows corrupt the Christian elements, thus perverting, spreading the perversion of the Christian morality. Whatever my writing was trying to convey, it didn't matter, because the foundation was built upon sand, no matter how Christian I tried to make it
The genderbending of certain characters and writing fanfics that supports. The idea of genderbending is actually rooted in Gnosticism (no kidding, look it up) and I can't support that or the series that openly practices this (among other anti-Christian beliefs, the occult etc.) explicitly or implicitly
The sexualizing of characters, fanservice, shipping, and smut that these series promoted in these stories and in these communities. But what I found heartbreaking, in particular with the Fate community, was the sexualization of St. Jeanne d'Arc, my patroness, and St. Margaret. While I didn't write this in my story, and I tried to portray the real Joan of Arc through the three years of researching her, I couldn't stomach the idea of a series that was sexualizing one of the most chaste and pure saints within the Church who was (possibly) assaulted and *aped before she was burned at the stake. I just can't do it, and it breaks my heart to see fanservice either by the series itself, games, and the community. I know I was silently complicit in this and this I will always regret. I thought I was doing something good by white-washing, and trying purify it by my stories, but that was my pride talking and deluding me. I can't white-wash blatant lust. May God have mercy on me, may St. Jeanne d'Arc forgive me
I was using Fanfiction as an unhealthy coping mechanism.
I realized that my definition of love was wrong. Where I thought love was built upon emotion and feelings, this is false. Love is an act of the will, not of the passions. Love is to will the good of another at the cost of one's self. Sometimes that means telling things that are contrary to the world, not what one person wants to hear (but there is the matter of tact, thought, and tone, which I'm still working on lol)
At the same time, i must recognize the good that fanfiction did for me. I met wonderful friends who I still love dearly, I only pray and hope for their success and happiness. These friends were instrumental in my life. While some friends stick/stuck around, others did not because of this clash of beliefs. There is no ill-will, and I have the utmost love and respect for them as human being despite different beliefs and values. If they are/were to reach out, I would/will only receive them in love and affection.
I will leave this account up for a week so that my followers could see this. If you so reach out, you can reach out via dm I'll be around for a week, or find me on discord under LordxSauron (the best bet)
I love you all.
God bless you, our Lady watch over you, Saint Jeanne pray for you,
LordxSauron
