A/N: new story and this one's rooted in canon for once... big risk on my part. i'm always nervous toying with canon, particularly with the end as this fic does, because i have violent urges to rip up the whole last volume or so. expect HUGE deviation from the canon ending.
i dedicate this fic to my sister Zoe and to my friend crimsoncitrus, because it was only due to our conversation about this premise that the fic could be born. extra special gratitude to Crim for introducing me to Hak from akatsuki no yona, because that influence will inevitably flavor this story as well.
PLEASE keep in mind heading into this fic that it will likely be bloody and violent (its me writing it...) and there will be themes of sacrifice and shed blood as a love language. thank you for reading
The Prologue.
Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori.
"Come back! Even as a shadow, even as a dream."
-Euripides
He didn't knock. Knocking was a courtesy, and courtesy was a show of respect, and he did not respect these people. He might knock on Ruka's door, but not on this one.
But he also knocked on Persona's door, so maybe courtesy can be a show of fear too, of the type of fear that sticks to the roof of his mouth and never washes away no matter how hard he swallows.
He threw the door open with all the violence a boy fresh from the hospital could afford, his face already contorted into a disgusted sneer. He'd died with hatred in his heart for the former Elementary School Principal. He came to, only to find out the man had been taken care of by someone else, so he had a lot of hatred left over and was more than happy to throw it at these people.
"Natsume-kun-" Naru's voice. He was standing by Kazumi's desk, holding a stack of papers. He had the audacity to look concerned, which just pissed Natsume off even more. To his own credit, Kazumi's face didn't change much at Natsume's break in. Shiki was in the corner, his mouth a flat line. Natsume hated them all.
"You sent her away?" he asked the room.
Kazumi sighed. "Hyuuga, why don't you sit down, and we can explain this to you. Mikan needed some time to understand too-"
"Don't waste your breath," Natsume spat. "After everything she sacrificed for this school, you just threw her away like trash!"
"Natsume-kun!" Naru's turn. "She is not trash. We're going to keep an eye on her, but policy is policy."
"Policy?!"
"Students who lose their alice can't attend the school anymore, Natsume-kun, you know this. Do you remember your classmate, Hoshino-kun-"
"I know policy," Natsume sneered with disdain. "I remember all your policies. Do you remember them? Do you remember the policy that sent me here to this hellhole in the first place? Do you remember the policy that I'm not allowed to send a single letter to my dad? Do you remember the policy that made sure I wasn't allowed to participate in school events or win that Best Student Award? Do you remember the policy that if I ever got caught by the enemy, I was supposed to kill myself-"
"Natsume," Shiki cut in, his voice cold. "Those policies are being changed. With the former Elementary School Principal out of the way, we have the opportunity to amend things and make real change."
"Why couldn't you change this policy? It's a stupid policy! You erased all her memories!"
"We're going to be restructuring the administration from the top down," Kazumi said. "A lot of shifts will be happening and right now is a particularly vulnerable time. It is crucial that we approach this logically. Please don't take offense to this, Hyuuga, but you are not being logical at the moment. You are acting with your heart, and though that is admirable, it's also dangerous. We hope to have your support going for-"
Natsume spit on the floor. He didn't have to look down to know that it was red, because his mouth always tasted like blood. He kept his eyes narrowed on the High School Principal, who merely closed his mouth and sat back in his chair.
"Natsume-kun, if you would just listen," Narumi started.
"I think my problem is that I've listened to you morons a bit too much," Natsume retorted. "You're going to regret sending her away. I will make you regret it. I will kill all of you."
Only when he left the room did Ruka finally catch up with him, visibly out of breath and red in the face with exertion. Natsume hadn't given him much heads up before storming out of his hospital bed and heading straight to the admin building to give these old men a piece of his mind. He'd probably started chasing after him right away, though Natsume hadn't noticed.
He didn't look at Ruka, who stepped into stride with him as they left the building. Thankfully, his best friend didn't ask any questions. He probably knew already anyway, since he'd been the one to break the news to him that Mikan had been unceremoniously removed from this place after everything she'd had to give up for them.
Natsume was still boiling over by the time Ruka led him back to his bed in the hospital, still gritting his teeth and seeing vivid red. His fists did not loosen, not even hours later.
He hadn't even been allowed to say good bye.
Days passed under the cover of a dense, gray fog. Natsume didn't open his mouth to speak a single word for at least a month. It was part of his rebellion.
Ruka seemed unbothered. He didn't talk much these days either, just following at Natsume's side with a ceaselessly patient smile. He didn't need words. They grieved in silence, side by side (Ruka breathing slowly, the corners of his mouth turning up in soft memory, his eyes clouding with gratitude; Natsume's breath cutting in short and hard through his nostrils, seething and growling like a feral cat, one annoyance away from committing violent homicide).
They wanted Natsume's support for their "new administration" and "institutional changes," since he'd become something of a posterchild in showcasing the school's corruption. If they had him on their team, they could sway most of the rest of the student body. The problem was that Natsume didn't care about the school's corruption anymore. He only cared that Mikan was gone, and he wasn't going to be giving any support until they brought her back. (Ruka didn't say anything about this, just suggested carefully over an otherwise silent breakfast that he'd never go against Natsume in anything.)
Five weeks after he'd broken into Kazumi's office, he'd been called back for an official conversation.
"I believe congratulations are in order," Kazumi said once Natsume was seated in the chair across the grand mahogany desk. "For your graduation to middle school. That's quite an achievement."
The ceremony was supposed to be sometime this week. Natsume had no intention of going. Mikan should have been there, but since she'd been robbed of the privilege, it didn't appeal to him.
"You know Mikan did have her graduation ceremony already, right? Right as she left, she graduated, in a way. The whole school gathered to see it." When Natsume did not reply, Kazumi exhaled and carried on. "The reason I called you in here, Hyuuga, is because I believe you can be a real asset to the new administrative policies we want to bring in. They would mean a lot for the rest of the students, if we were to have your support."
Natsume opened his mouth for the first time in weeks, narrowing his eyes at the principal. "And do any of your new policy changes include bringing Mikan back?"
Kazumi sighed. "Hyuuga… She can't come back. Even if we were suddenly to return her, she would have no memory of anything or anyone here. It would be overwhelming and terrifying for her. Can't you understand-"
"What I understand," Natsume interrupted ruthlessly. "Is that it's your fault she forgot in the first place."
"Trust me, she is safe out there and thriving much more than she would be within our walls-"
"Thriving? You took everything from her!" From me. You took everything from me.
"Hyuuga!" Kazumi's voice was cold and harsh, no longer indulgent as it had been. Natsume snapped his mouth shut with a vengeance. New administrative policies or not, it had been drilled into him that bad things happened when adults got mad. "I love her too."
"You don't get to say that," Natsume mumbled, his eyes on the floor. "You sent her away."
"It was not an easy decision. I'd gone through it in my head a thousand times, but this was the only possible outcome. You may love her, and I may love her, but she's just a student, and we can't make exceptions to the rules just because one person feels more special."
Why not? But Natsume didn't ask that out loud. He honestly didn't really care about policy or rules or any of the students and whether they went home or not. He only cared about Mikan. As far as he was concerned, making her the one exception made all the sense in the world. She'd been his one exception for everything, so why start limiting himself now?
Natsume didn't say any of that. Instead, he crossed his arms and leaned back in the chair. "So you want me to shoot off some bullshit about supporting your new regime, is that right?"
"Regime is not the word we want you to use."
"I want to see her."
"Excuse me?"
"I want you to let me out of here. I want you to expel me. I want you to expel me and send me away. I don't want to be at this school anymore." He hesitated for only one moment. "And Ruka too." Ruka would want to come, after all.
"That is, unfortunately, not a possibility. We're asking for your support, not your blood. Whatever condition you request has to be proportional."
"Who's protecting her?"
"Excuse me?"
"You said that she was safe. She's only safe if someone is protecting her. Tell me who it is."
"For now," Kazumi said slowly. "A few recent graduates are keeping tabs on her home, watching her. She's also being accompanied by an Alice alumnus in disguise as a friend. As she settles into routine in her new life, we will gradually narrow down her guard until-ideally-her friend in disguise remains as sole protector."
Something nasty churned in Natsume's gut. "Disguised as a friend? What kind of sick bullshit is that?" Mikan, light and sunny and outgoing, loyal to-apparently-too big a fault, devoted to a person who was only pretending to be her friend?
"This individual cares for her too and is incredibly devoted to her well-being. He has my full trust."
"Do I know him? Who is it?"
"That's not your concern, Hyuuga."
"She is my concern!" Natsume snapped. "She is my only concern-I died for her, and for your stupid regime, so you'll tell me who's pretending to be her friend right now!"
Kazumi swallowed tightly. "Goshima."
Natsume saw red. He didn't even do it on purpose, but the curtains over the windows caught on fire, his knuckles turned white, and his tongue sliced open from how hard he suddenly bit down on it. He shook with barely contained rage, tasting blood in his mouth, his nails driving hard into the flesh of his fists-but he retrieved the flames, collected them back inside himself.
He suppressed a cough. He might've breathed smoke.
"Hyuuga, he has turned over a new leaf. His guilt is immense. He begged and pleaded to atone for what he'd done."
"He killed her mother," Natsume said forcefully, trying to keep his voice low. Bad things happened when he yelled at adults. "He killed her mother and now you're gonna let him kill her too."
"Goshima is not going to kill her-"
"How do you know?"
"We had mind-readers test him, of course. It's not like we'd send off a former traitor to protect someone so precious just like that, with no tests or examinations beforehand. This is why we want your support, Hyuuga. We're running things very differently from what you're used to. I understand your frustrations and your distrust based on the past, but this administration has a very different perspective on Alice education."
"I don't care about Alice education," Natsume said, his throat grating from the effort of keeping his tone steady and his fire inside his body. "Send me instead."
"Out of the question."
"Why not?" His voice was slipping a bit, becoming rabid and rapid and raspy, like there was fire in his throat, like someone had lit a match in his lungs, like his tongue was sparking. "I have experience. I've protected people before. I've been a bodyguard. I can be discreet-she won't even have to see me. She won't even know I'm there. I'm powerful and smart and capable and you couldn't ask for a better protector-"
"Hyuuga-"
"-I'd die for her again. I'd die for her a billion times. Pull Goshima out, and put me in. Please-"
And, softly, "No."
"Why not?!"
"We don't do things that way anymore, Hyuuga. That's one of the policy changes. Minors will no longer be permitted under any circumstances to participate in life-threatening missions. It's unethical, illegal, and frankly should never have been allowed in the first place-"
In one motion, Natsume stood and pushed away all the folders and files and papers on Kazumi's desk, his name plate and pens scattering onto the floor.
"I died because of you," Natsume sneered. "I died because you made me die. Your administration told me you'd save her, that you'd kill him, and I stood by and let you try, but you didn't."
"But we did, Hyuuga-"
"But you didn't! You failed! I had to do it! I had to kill him because you people never do anything right!"
"But we did. He's incapacitated, and is no longer a threat to anybody. You did not kill him, Hyuuga. You killed yourself."
Natsume bristled, but ignored the barb. The anger was running rampant in his head and he wasn't about to stop it. "You made me go on missions for four years. Four years of pain killers and patching myself up in my room and dying and nobody cared and now all of a sudden, when I finally want to go on a mission, you pretend to care? You won't let me?"
"The Elementary School Principal was a powerful and malicious man. When he had control of the Dangerous Ability class, he allowed atrocious things to happen. Demanded them, even. But those things are prohibited now. In fact, we intend to have the Dangerous Ability class dissolved entirely. Narumi-sensei claims there's no reason to ostracize students arbitrarily in this way. I'm sure you'll be glad to hear that-"
"I won't make it," Natsume hissed. "I won't make it until I'm an adult. You have to let me go now."
"You'd be surprised," Kazumi said. "The hospital staff are amazed by your progress. They say your lifespan has been positively affected by Mikan's alice stone, far more than precedent might suggest. You're projected to live longer than previously expected-"
"Those are guesses," Natsume said stiffly. "Put me in."
"She wouldn't want you to," Kazumi said, a note of finality in his voice. "You said yourself you might not make it, and your overreliance on your alice would mean your lifespan would, in fact, shorten. If there's anything I know about my niece, it's that she would not want you to die for her. She certainly didn't want you to the first time."
Natsume couldn't argue with that. "I won't use my alice. I'll use a gun. Or a knife. God knows I'm familiar enough with the receiving end of them-"
"Weaponry aside, even if you were an adult, I wouldn't send you in. You were, admittedly, quite skilled in your black ops work, despite the fact that you never should have been involved with it to begin with. But when things are personal for you, you act emotional, and that impacts your work."
"Emotional?"
Kazumi turned around slightly, his eyes narrowed sadly at his singed curtains. The scorched smell wafted around the room, though Natsume couldn't really differentiate between that and his rage (they were one and the same).
"They're fine," Natsume said dismissively.
"You're brash. You're impulsive. You get angry. If you were protecting a stranger, I'm sure you'd be a perfect pick, given you were an adult, of course. But with my niece? You wouldn't be able to control yourself. You'd perceive anything as a threat and even the slightest transgression against her would inspire grandiose violence on your part. And I don't believe you would actually be discreet either. Do you truly believe that if you were to see her everyday, you wouldn't attempt to contact her, in the hopes of perhaps triggering some memories? You're too close to her. It's out of the question."
The room was silent. Natsume could still smell the ashy scent of the burnt fabric, but the fire in his throat had gone out. He blinked, his eyes watering slightly from the smoke. It took him a minute before he could finally speak. "What if I proved to you I could do it? What if I fixed myself and you tested me like you tested Goshima? Would you let me go then?"
"Hyuuga, you are a minor-"
"Forget that," Natsume said. "I don't care. Besides, you said minors wouldn't be permitted to go on life-threatening missions. Does that mean you think Mikan is in life-threatening danger? If she is, then how could you justify letting her leave in the first place?"
Kazumi's face turned pale. "She is perfectly safe," he muttered.
"Then it's not a life-threatening mission, is it? And it should be fine for me to go. You can consider it extra credit." And then, with all the bitterness he could muster, "You can consider it reparations."
"Hyuuga-"
"That is my condition," Natsume said, standing straight again. "As soon as I pass the tests and examinations you had Goshima go through, you send me in his place."
"In his place?" Kazumi said, eyes wide. "You can't be serious! His role is to assimilate into her life! He's best suited for it due to his alice-"
"In his place," Natsume repeated. "She deserves to be protected by someone who actually cares about her. I wouldn't be pretending. And I'll be discreet."
Kazumi eyed him for a long moment, before exhaling shakily. "You have to pass with perfect marks. Even one question wrong and you're rejected-is that clear?"
Natsume nodded.
"And you have to be vocal about your support for the new administration, down to specific policy-it'll help immensely with establishing trust with the student body…"
"You let me protect her, and I'll be your biggest supporter."
Kazumi closed his eyes. "Fine. We have a deal."
