Eight Years Ago
He couldn't stop seeing his face. It had been years since he'd last seen him and he hadn't even known him that well in the first place but that didn't stop his brain from assaulting him with images of his face. Like it was penance for burying everything he didn't want to remember. So as any good Catholic boy would do he was taking it, dredging up every fuzzy memory he had, which had quickly turned into thinking of every what if, making him grateful when his phone going off gave him something else to think about.
Drinks after shift.
He wasn't really in the mood for a social outing but he knew better than to decline- Antonio Dawson did not take no for an answer. Jay hadn't seen his old TO in months, Narcotics was a busy unit, especially for a detective as good as Tony, but apparently the big case he'd been working was done now. And maybe a drink would be good. At the very least it'd be a distraction.
Which would be great since he once again spent his shift picturing Donnelley's face the last time he'd seen him, and wondering what it had looked like in his last moments.
Before he'd decided life wasn't worth living.
"What's up?" He said by way of greeting as he slid into the chair opposite his friend, grateful he'd at least ordered for him before he started his interrogation.
"You tell me." Antonio answered with that penetrating stare he both admired and shied away from. "I get back from undercover to a bunch of messages saying you've spent the last two weeks moping around."
"Bullshit. From who?"
"Everyone."
Shit.
"I don't mope."
The other man just snorted, his smirk as he looked at him over his beer quickly making Jay take his own big sip. "Please. That jawline was made for brooding."
Asshole.
Tess said the same thing.
So he gave the same answer.
"Brooding isn't moping."
"Whatever it is, you want to tell me why?"
No.
"You feeling lonely?" Tony asked with another smirk but it fell when he shook his head; he'd only met her once, twice though technically she'd been barely conscious the first time, but they didn't know each other well.
But apparently enough that the other man could tell she wasn't the source of his frustration.
"What's going on Jay?"
Open up, even when it's scary. That's when it matters most.
Only for her.
It still took him a minute to get started but his friend was patient, but the sympathy on his face still made him want to break something. "A guy I was in the Rangers with… he got home last year and he… struggled. Two weeks ago we found out he hung himself."
He hadn't, had purposefully let those connections die but Greg hadn't. And he was starting to realize had been hiding that fact from him, out of respect or apprehension he wasn't sure but he definitely didn't like how hard he'd had to pry to get the other man to share what had been bothering him.
Maybe if Donnelley had had more people checking on him he wouldn't have done what he had.
"I'm sorry Jay." Antonio said solemnly and he had to force himself to meet his stare, to hold it long enough for them to exchange nods before he took another long drag of his beer. "Did you know him well?"
"Not really. He was in a different platoon but he… he was nice. Funny. Good guy to have by your side in a fire fight."
Antonio nodded but didn't say anything else and for a few minutes they just drank their beers in silence until a heavy sigh from the other man finally had him looking up. "Did I ever tell you about my first partner?"
"No." He said quietly, sitting up straighter when he took a deep breath.
"Sean Patterson. Also a good guy. Could stink the crap out of a squad car though." He continued with a small laugh but though Jay smiled he stayed quiet- both of them sucked at opening up. "He got bounced from the job- some climber from IA went after him for mistakenly filed double overtime. And Sean… he couldn't handle it. A year later he killed himself."
Fuck.
"I'm sorry." He said somberly, taking his turn to hold his friend's stare, to try and show his understanding. And appreciation.
"Me too." Antonio said with another nod, before he gave him another long look that had his shoulders shrinking. "Don't carry this alone Jay. Whether you talk to me or Mouse or Tess, talk. You got it?"
He didn't.
He didn't understand how someone could make that choice. Yeah life got rough but to end it, to do something so permanent for problems that were temporary… He didn't get it.
And he didn't think he ever would.
"Jay-"
"I got it." He said quickly, shaking his head before he gave the other man a grateful nod. "Thank you. For sharing that. And for bringing me out."
"Someone's gotta stop you from being the cover of a romance novel." The other man said with a shrug but his grin was bright and Jay couldn't help but laugh.
"Fuck you." He retorted, but he also motioned for another round.
Life over death.
He was getting bored with patrol.
He hadn't minded in the beginning, he'd needed time to get used to the differences in the job, and to accept that he really had left his old one but it still stung that he'd been tapped as a squad leader at Fort Benning meanwhile after two years on the force he was still chasing muggers. Or worse. Doing traffic control. Nothing was worse than being a glorified crossing guard.
Alright, a lot of things were worse than that but he was trying to focus on the good things right now, most specifically the text he'd woken up to this morning.
Be home soon.
Now that was good. Of course soon for an operative could mean an hour or a week but so long as it meant that Tess was safe and on her way Jay didn't mind when she got here. Of course he had been hoping for the former but she usually didn't give him a heads up if she was planning on surprising him so he was probably going to have to wait a bit longer than a day. It had already been eight hours and he didn't know if it was better or worse that he was finishing his shift. Talking with Antonio the other day had helped but while distracting work could still be annoying, or boring, but then being at home would just be more of a reminder that Tess wasn't back yet. But since those were the only two places he really went, three actually but Lydia was out of town right now at a conference, home it was.
And home was good. Mouse had the game on and had ordered pizza, wings and the cheesy garlic bread, which combined with the couple beers he'd had was probably why he felt so tired when he finally fell into bed. He made sure to check his phone again, unnecessary since he'd kept an eye on it all evening but there had been no more texts so he fell asleep thinking about what they'd do when she got home. It was a nice thing to dream about, his favourite probably, just imagining them walking along the Riverwalk or going out for dinner, cuddling up for a movie or draped over each other as they readied for sleep. That was why when he opened his eyes and saw her grinning as she crawled up the bed he just pulled her closer, awake enough that he knew he'd want to soak this in but still sleepy enough he didn't register of the firmness of her own touch.
"I drove all niiighhtt, to get to you." She sang, looking like a damn angel as she settled on top of him. "Crept in your room, woke you from your sleep, to make love to yoouuuu. Is that alright?"
Fuck yes.
That was everything.
She was everything.
Her smile as he kissed her was as soft and bright as any she'd ever given him and the curtain of her hair smelled of the sweetest vanilla, so real that for a moment Jay wondered if he really was dreaming. But then her kisses got deeper and thinking went out the window, nothing for him to do but lay back and appreciate the way her hands danced across his chest until suddenly cupping him through his admittedly tight sweatpants.
It was an extra good dream then.
These ones always ended before he wanted them to so he actually felt a brief flare of annoyance but then her mouth enveloped him and he quickly retracted that- real Tess was best but dream Tess was a damn close second. And because he loved nothing more than committing his girl to memory she had all the same tricks, the way she hummed when she took him deep in her throat and how ran her tongue around his base. How she used a gentle but firm finger to rub that spot just beneath his balls that made him cum so hard he saw stars.
He was still marveling at how good it felt, and that he hadn't woken up yet when she sank onto him, her wetness and warmth bringing him the peace he'd been aching for the last few weeks. Since she'd left. It was that feeling of home that made him start to realize that he might actually be awake but of course that was when she started riding him harder, and who was he to deny her? So he tightened his hold on her until their orgasms crashed through them, him first, then her, and then he dragged her even closer.
Dream or no dream he wanted her in his arms, though he had to admit the longer he held her the more real she felt, though he had been tricked by that before. What really got him was that he usually woke up before that part.
Her laugh told him he'd said that out loud and the hope in his chest flared when he found her sapphire eyes. "You really here?"
"I drove all night." She whisper-sang and he quickly dragged her back for another kiss, and though it took him a long minute to pull himself away he was just as fast getting them settled under the blanket.
It didn't make sense, and it didn't work that way but it felt like an extra barrier to the outside world, forcing it away and forcing her to stay. At least for a little while. And while how quickly Tess fell asleep, and how tightly she still held him after told him she'd been needing this just as much as he had Jay stayed awake a little longer. It was a fight, the lull of her scent and steady breaths was as strong as the lure of her smile but he needed the reminder.
Life over death.
