Eight Years Ago
Sometimes the universe was really fucked up. Alright, a lot of the time the universe could be fucked up, it had a sick sense of humour but sometimes it was really fucked up. Her and Jay liked to debate religion and spirituality, specifically fate and coincidence on which they both had firm stances and even though they could sometimes get heated, and actually occasionally took turns on which one they were currently believing in, there were a few things they both agreed on. The first was that karma was a thing. The second was that science did not, currently, explain a lot of phenomena of which they had both experienced. The 'woo-woo' stuff as Mouse affectionally called it. The third thing was that some people, like themselves, were inextricably linked in ways they didn't think would or could ever be explained.
Like how they had been at opposite ends of the earth both dealing with the same kind of tragedy.
She'd thought hers was bad, now that she was home had woken a few times in the dark of the night with her hands clawing at her throat, though the fear faded pretty fast with Jay beside her. But even though the images still lingered that man had been a stranger. Jay and Mouse had known the soldier who'd hung himself because he'd been unable to deal with his return to civilian life. With life at all. They may not have been close friends but they'd still known him, had fought the same war, worn the same uniform, ate in the same mess hall and slept in barracks that were right across from each other. Had dealt with the same struggle coming home, though thank god, the universe and fuck that neither of them had tried to solve their problems in such a permanent way. She and Jay both knew that was why he kept waking to her fingers ghosting over his neck, shaking as they hovered over the little bundle of scars in the hollow of his throat. Barbed wire was bad enough, she hadn't needed to imagine what he would look like with rope burn too but she'd accepted years ago that she had no control over all the horrible what if's and what had's she would experience.
He had actually been surprisingly open about talking about it, mostly soothing her that that was never an option he would take, would never even consider which always made her shoulders shrink. And which he definitely noticed, and had pushed on, but when she'd stayed quiet he'd let her. If only he would continue to do so, but she knew he wouldn't.
Talking about his own problems could be like pulling teeth but when it came to her own suddenly the man was a world renowned dentist.
But how was she supposed to talk to him about this?
How was she supposed to tell him that the act he had expressly, fiercely, told her he would never make, that with clear venom he believed was the peak of cowardice, was something she'd considered?
Was still considering, even after promising him she never would again?
She didn't want to. And she was really hoping that she wouldn't have to, that when that conversation finally happened she'd be able to lie her way through it because as much as the thought of doing so hurt her Tess didn't know what other option she had. Tell the truth and hurt him, or lie and hurt him. And because things seemed so dire she was spending their daylight hours pretending nothing was wrong at all, to everyone's detriment because it turned out there was a third option. That he would find out for himself. And when Jay came back into the living room after dinner, after a mildly suspiciously long bathroom break with his face looking like thunder and his hands so carefully holding little ring she'd thought she'd hidden she knew she was well and truly fucked.
"What is this?" Jay asked lowly, the hoarseness in his voice telling her he already knew. And that he was not going to let her slip out of this.
"Are you proposing?" Mouse asked with amused confusion, a combination that made her heart ache, both because too often he got dragged into their messes and because this wasn't an association she wanted. And…
Because she had no idea what he would think and that was just as terrifying as knowing what Jay did.
"I honestly thought you would do better. You can-"
"What is it?" Jay shouted, not the most panicked she had ever seen him but definitely the most angry and while angry Jay wasn't exactly new it was very rare for that frustration to be directed at her.
In the past that had made her challenge him right back, but she couldn't do that this time.
Not when she knew she was wrong.
"Dude, calm-"
"Cyanide."
"What?" Greg's head whipped towards her and she was torn between watching his slow switch to horror and Jay's immediate hardening. "Tess… I know what happened scared you-"
"I didn't get it because of what happened."
She hadn't thought her boyfriend could look anymore upset but that seemed like it had cut one of the only tethers he was clinging to. "Then why."
"It was given to me."
"By who?"
"Nysa?" Jay guessed, not without reason to be fair but the insinuation still stung, and she thought she felt some shame from him when she clarified, but it wasn't as though the truth was any better. But…
Maybe now he would finally understand why she couldn't give them the loyalty he gave the army or the force.
"No. By the agency. They-… everyone gets one before their first mission."
"You've always had this?" Jay asked slowly and though it made her heart clench she knew she couldn't lie, but fuck did it hurt when she watched his face harden again.
When the love of her life looked at her like he had never seen her before, like everything he had thought and even loved about her was wrong.
Like she was a coward.
Was she?
"Why haven't we ever seen it?" Greg asked slowly and Tess was distantly grateful that he wasn't also jumping down her throat but the feeling disappeared when Jay quickly took a step, two, one foot towards her and one foot back. Bracing himself for her answer.
"You take it off before you come home?"
She should have braced herself for his question because even though he was wrong it hurt, maybe more than it had a right to but she hadn't taken the time to think this through and now she wasn't being given it. "I've never put it on. I bought the ring a few years ago because it looked cool and I figured I could use it in other scenarios on the job and…"
"And?"
"And because I hated the ugly white box it used to be stored in." She snapped, a stupid reason but it was the truth- she'd thrown the thing out a window. And then put the ring in the same spot. "But I've never used it."
"But you kept it." Jay pressed and she didn't know who she hated more, him for asking questions he already knew the answer to or herself for proving him right.
Wrong.
She didn't know anymore.
"Yes."
"Why?"
Them speaking in unison usually made her laugh, at least want to but right now she was too busy hoping their similarities would play in her favour. "SEALS will kill one another if they're about to be taken and can't be saved-"
"It's not the same-"
"The hell it isn't!" Tess found herself shouting, the tether she'd been clinging to cut loose, the one thing she thought they would understand.
And Greg did, she saw the softening of his face before he got between them but it was too late now. "Alright, maybe we should take a beat."
"I'm not saying I would make that choice." She continued, softer in the hopes that would get Jay to listen but he just kept shaking his head. "I don't- I don't know. But I do know that I get to have it. It is my choice."
"No."
"Yes. You don't like it, I get that, it's not like I want this to be the way that it is but it is." Tess stressed, for first time getting hurt that he wasn't understanding where she was coming from.
That he was refusing to.
Especially because while the uniform had been his life's dream versus something she had stumbled into neither one of them had shed as much blood for their ideals as she had. They might know loss and they might know pain but they didn't know breaking.
Of the body or the soul.
"And as the only one in this room who's actually been tortured, who knows that there are things that are so much worse than death I am the one who gets to decide what I will and will not subject myself to-"
"No."
"Guys-"
"Jay-"
"No!" He roared, so loud she nearly fell into the couch, then again when he pointed a shaking finger at her. "You don't get to do that, you don't get to wear this and that!"
