Eight Years Ago

You don't get to wear this and that.

That might be the cruelest thing Jay had ever said to her.

But from the instant Tess realized what he was pointing at she'd known in her heart that he was right.

You couldn't keep two promises when one would cancel out the other.

And she knew which one she wanted to keep. The one she'd made first, the one that meant the world to her, kept her going when the world showed its cruelty. The light that guided her out of the darkness. To home. But she didn't know how to let go of the other. Something in her was wrapped around it as tightly as Jay's fingers were curled around the ring, a piece of jewelry she'd loved from the second she'd seen it, even when it filled her with sadness when she'd immediately known what it would be for. She didn't want to make that call. Not ever.

But she also couldn't bear to have the choice taken away from her.

All the laughter that had filled the room just minutes ago was gone now, nothing but a vacuum of silence as they waited to see what her decision would be. She regretted it as soon as she made it and their quiet inhales as she slowly lifted her necklace over her head hit as sharp as any knife ever had, and truer, but she didn't stop herself. She couldn't. She just laid it gently on the coffee table, wondering if Saint Michael understood her choice. He was the patron saint of soldiers after all and while sometimes it made her feel uncomfortable to use that title Jay was insistent that she was one. Not that that had helped him to understand.

She couldn't look at him as she turned away, couldn't look at either of them, unable to bear the shock and hurt she knew would be there, the judgement, so instead she just quietly walked out of the apartment. The soft click of the door as it shut behind her broke the numbness in her limbs if not her mind and she booked it to the end of the hall, crashing into the stairwell just as it opened back up behind her. A quick scan had her grabbing the railing and throwing herself over it, not down but up, flattening herself against the wall just in time to get out of view as the door again crashed open.

"Tess?"

Greg.

Of course he would follow after her. Under normal circumstances Jay might have too but then he had always been good about giving her space. Plus she'd just broken his heart so it wasn't surprising he didn't want to be around her.

Was there a way for them to come back from this?

She had to hold her hands over her mouth to stop the sob that wanted to burst out, every muscle tensed in anticipation as she listened to her friend curse before he started to search for her. Down, not up. Still she stayed where she was until she heard him finally exit out the bottom of the stairwell, no doubt checking the parking lot but he wouldn't be gone long; she might have only been a few seconds ahead of him but she was fast, and he too knew not to crowd or push her when she was like this. Plus, he had his brother to care for too. Helping him was a lot more important than trying to find her. So as soon as he was gone she ran up the remaining flights to the roof, her instincts reminding her to be careful slipping through the door this time lest the universe decide to fuck her again.

The fresh air was like a slap in her face, the bite of winter's lingering chill an extra sting but even as she bowed under it Tess was grateful.

Because she knew she deserved it.

She couldn't remember the last time she had felt this lost, until with a violent flash she did and the pain got even stronger. Most recently, which was still eight years ago now, eight, when Nicholas Hess had ripped her mother's ring off her finger and left her feeling like she was alone in the world. Then six years before that, when she'd woken in a hospital bed to find out her and her father were gone and she was. Not actually, but close enough that what had broken still wasn't healed all these years later. Looking at it right now there was a large part of her that wanted to throw it off the roof but though she grabbed it she couldn't even pull it past her first knuckle, hell, up to her first knuckle. But what she could do was send her fist into the brick wall that was meant to stop people from walking off the ledge, an unserious and short-lived thought but still twisted, pushing her one blow after another until she was sobbing harder than she was hitting.

What the fuck had she done? Part of her wanted to be angry at Jay, and she was, if he hadn't pushed, hadn't snooped, hadn't loved her so much in the fucking first place this wouldn't hurt so badly but she knew that wasn't fair. This wasn't on him. He was allowed to be shocked by what he'd found, scared and hurt, and pissed at her for everything he'd said, for keeping it from him, for keeping it at all. For deciding that the promise she'd made him wasn't one she had to keep.

Still something inside her started screaming, so loud she had to clap her hands to her head because it felt like it was going to burst open. Like she was going to break and not him or Mouse or Lydia or anyone she loved, any kings horses or kings men would be able to put her back together again. Tess knew how to rely on others, knew how important it was, not just for herself but for them, but she also knew that as strong as love was come the end of the day there were some situations only you could get yourself out of. And there were some you could not escape at all. Was it really so wrong of her to avoid those?

To prevent herself from being broken beyond all repair?

From just keeping the option around for her own piece of mind?

The mind that was still screaming at her, so many opinions, so many other voices she honestly thought she would go insane but they all quieted as the door to the roof burst open. Jay. She didn't know how he'd found her, didn't realize she'd sat until he slowly walked over and gingerly knelt before her. Why did he always have to kneel?

Her knight in dusty Kevlar.

She wouldn't have thought it possible for the overwhelming agony on his face to get any stronger but when he saw her hands it did, still nervous but much more resolved as he carefully took them in his own. But it was his gaze that really broke her heart, the mossy green dull with confusion.

"I don't understand." He rasped, his head shaking again as his fingers flexed against hers. "I'm trying to, I know what you said was right, I know I don't know what it's like and I know other men will do that but I… I can't. And I know it's not my call but I don't understand."

She didn't either.

The only thing she knew right now was that it was so much easier to breathe with him beside her.

"You… You fight. It's what you do. Harder and better than anyone else and I don't know how to accept a world where you don't. I don't know what that looks like."

Now that made her want to scream.

She'd always thought that if she chose to take that pill, to do anything that would end her life it would be a fight, a final act of defiance, a way to protect herself from those things that were worse than just pain and death. But… were they?

Were they worse than giving up?

Which fight mattered more?

The tender unfurling of her hands pulled her out of her thoughts and she watched as Jay pressed St. Michael into her palms before pushing them closed again, and when he brushed a kiss to her bloody knuckles her heart tugged so strongly it pulled her into him.

"Whatever you decide… I'm with you. To whatever end." Jay said with a firm nod, taking a deep breath before he shook his head with a shrug, his eyes growing brighter when they met hers. "But I believe that there's another way. Because… You're Tess Danvers. You can do anything. And you don't yield, to anyone."

You do not yield.

She did though, a lot of times to a lot of people.

But no one more than him.

"Another way."

With a rush of breath Jay pulled her into a tight hug, the tremors still running through him somehow not extending to the hand that ran soothingly down her hair. "Another way. We'll find another way. Together."

Together.