He'd left her.
Had looked into those beautiful ocean eyes, seen how stark they'd been with fear, with true terror, trying but failing to hide how badly she wanted him to change his mind and he hadn't. Instead he had turned his head, which immediately began to echo with the sound of her silent but deafening heartbreak and he'd walked away. Right past Ben and Mal at the front desk who knew exactly what he was doing, who both respected him for it and hated him for hurting her. Jay hated himself too. But he'd realized, while Tess had been trying so hard to get him to go along with a different plan, arguably betters ones, that he would hate himself more if he didn't do this.
She'd paid her penance, and he'd thought he had, had imposed a shit ton of guilt and shame on himself but it wasn't the same.
Tess had bled for him, died for him and it wasn't enough that he was willing to do the same.
He had to actually do it.
Hopefully not the dying part, though metaphorically… he did feel like he'd died when she'd left. Jay just hadn't made sure she knew he'd felt that way. He'd tried to, had spent the last year attempting to make up for his long absence with an overwhelming presence but even with how constant he had been, a couple times to each their detriments the time just didn't compare. And it wasn't just that. Repenting for a choice didn't erase it; nothing he could do would ever change not just his absenteeism but… his silence. Yes, Tess had been the one to block him but after that first kit-kat why hadn't he reached out? She'd opened the lines of communication and he'd accepted them, treasured them but had done nothing in return. The only answer he had for that was his own cowardice. And pettiness. It was no wonder she doubted him.
It was why he had to prove himself now.
He'd made a good start if the way the men who suddenly stormed out of the alley on his left immediately halted before slowly approaching him was any indication, though realistically he knew that was due to their fear of Tess. Was because of her they were so cautious as they moved to encircle him, like they were waiting for her to pop out of the shadows, though when two of them finally grabbed his arms there was a bit of hesitance as to what he might do. Right now that was nothing. But as the smell of chloroform hit him and everything went dark Jay promised that one day it would be him they were afraid of.
He'd only ever been chloroformed once before, at the academy because when his instructors had asked for a volunteer to show how quickly the chemical worked, not just on civilians but people trained for situational awareness he'd raised his hand. Partly because he'd been curious, partly because all the other guys had either looked nervous, uninterested or intent on making one of the female recruits do it. And partly because he knew it had been done to Tess. And he'd wanted to experience as much of what she did as he could. At the time he'd told himself he was practicing equality and that was true but now… Now Jay knew he'd done it because he'd wanted to prove to her, to himself, that he could take anything she could. He didn't think she'd ever doubted that, Tess had always had more belief in him than he did, which was still hard to accept even knowing she felt the same, but that was because it wasn't. Because the stakes had never been as high for him. They were now.
But as the effects started to wear off it wasn't the mild stinging in his eyes, which were covered, or throat that caught his attention, or the queasiness in his stomach or fog in his head. It wasn't even the immediate understanding that he was in a car, a van because there was enough space for two sets of feet on either side of him. No, what his focus went to was the soft, squishiness in his pants. The back of his pants. And the god awful smell that had filled this van, though apparently they were all putting up with it because he couldn't hear, feel or smell any breeze from cracked windows. And then he realized that smell was coming from him.
He'd… shit himself.
Utter mortification filled him and the only thing that stopped him from shoving it back was the knowledge that Tess had experienced this too, and he wasn't the type of man who did things halfway. That and one of the men must have realized he'd woken because the next thing he knew they were laughing.
"Don't be too embarrassed- this wasn't entirely on you. You didn't think we'd figure she'd give you a tracker? Or what kind?"
One gone.
Would they find the other?
The next time he woke, because they'd knocked him out again, this time with a solid hit to his temple, was to ice cold water blasting his body.
His naked body.
His ass.
"I was wondering if you were going to leave me like that."
A bark of laughter from behind had him craning his neck, he was strung up by his wrists on a meat hook, just like Tess had been, but before he got could catch a glimpse the water shut off and the man hosing him down stepped into view. "Personally I don't mind the smell, but it's bad for contamination. Spoils the meat."
Volya.
The Butcher.
How far did he take his moniker?
"You really eat people?"
"I've been known to have a taste." He responded with a slow grin, that maliciousness he'd sensed well before he'd ever known anything about the man. Which was why Jay knew what he was about to say next. "I have a particular fondness for little birds. The sweetness of her blood was… to die for. I don't think you'll be as nice."
"Eat my shit and find out."
Another grin, this one turning into a smirk as he walked over to the little trolley table that had far less knives on it than he had expected- because they had gotten him so suddenly? Or because this wasn't his official workshop? Had he brought his tools over or had he had to leave them behind? Or were these his favourites?
Or all he needed?
He was tempted to ask, Tess had warned him, needlessly that he couldn't be swayed but she had said he could be distracted and getting him talking about 'his craft' seemed like a good way to do that.
"Is this your first time being tortured?"
"Second." He answered instantly but while he hoped his face didn't betray his nerves Jay knew they didn't compare; a small time drug lord had nothing on a man who had joyfully spent three decades as one of the Bratva's most brutal enforcers.
"Seems a poor soldier who doesn't bleed for his country."
Confusion hit him for just a second before he held back a snarl, and seeing that doing so made the man smile even wider he decided to let it show- Tess never hid her pain. Or her fury. Why should he? "He going to make an appearance?"
"Maybe later." Volya answered with a shrug, flicking his eyes over him with clear interest before he went back to scanning his knives so Jay took a second to take stock of his surroundings.
He was in an unfinished basement but other than a staircase to his left leading up and what looked like a hatch in the far right corner leading down, there was nothing identifiable. Or useful. And since he had no injuries, yet, Volya must've looked for any other trackers while he'd still been unconscious and since his eyeballs were still in their sockets, and he could still feel that thin but uncomfortable weight on them, he hadn't found them.
Hopefully they weren't so deep underground the signal couldn't reach.
Hopefully Tess wasn't going out her mind with worry.
"Don't worry." He looked up to see those bland brown eyes lit up with cruelty, with triumph and felt an answering rage roar to life in his gut. "We'll get her soon enough. I can't kill you without her watching. I'll just make it so that she hardly recognizes you."
"You're going to do to me exactly that you did to her."
His head tilted like a predators and Jay hated that his body automatically locked up when he walked back over. "Matching? Or complementary?"
His happiness at his internal debate was one of the most twisted things he'd ever seen but for some reason the answer wiped away all his fear. He was a soldier. He knew pain, knew how to take a hit, how to sit in his blood and sweat for hours and not move a muscle. This man wasn't going to break him. He was going to make him stronger.
"Dealer's choice." Jay answered with his own smile, and he kept it even when he finally chose a long, thin blade and started slicing into him.
He would not falter.
