Hello everyone,
I wanted to give you an update on things.
I am still writing but I'm still very much on the fence of posting or even leaving this story up. Tbh, writing has always been a crutch for me and it has blessed me with some wonderful and powerful friendships, and I'm so thankful to God for giving me the relationships it created.
That all being said, I must confess.
I am half debating on publishing the chapters already written, but alas I don't know.
If you came for just that, there you go. If you want to know what is going on, well here goes.
I have been struggling very badly. My physical health has gotten slightly better, I can walk much better now, but my psychological and mental health has been going down so I just wanted to reflect on some things, please bare with me.
I am melancholic and choleric at best of times, I use these in the classical sense of understanding human temperament and personalities, for the good and the bad that comes with it. That being said, I tend to brood more and get so impatient… a very *potent* combo.
The past couple of months I've been experiencing such a profound heaviness of heart and soul, something that goes beyond words or expression. An unnameable sadness. Depression or anxiety? No, this is something else.
Certain scenarios can only describe this feeling
It is waiting for a dear friend who never shows up. Waiting for that text message that doesn't come, that phone call that doesn't arrive. It is waiting for someone to wish you a happy birthday, and no one realizes. It is being in a room full of people and not being seen. It is being ignored and disregarded. It is being an outsider wanting to come in. A longing for connection but being held back at arm's length. It is a relationship once on fire now cold and lukewarm. It is a married man/woman, surrounded by spouse and children and being alone. It is the loneliness of being forgotten that is truly a painful experience. It is the pain of being forgotten is one of the worst pains a human can experience. Totally forgotten
It is the realization of the pain of being forgotten, a fundamental truth of the human condition. That despite being seen, you aren't noticed. I feel too often people reach out when they need something, they make plans because thats what they want. Sometimes we fail to understand that the simple act of reaching out to someone is one of the greatest acts of kindness. Calling a friend whom you haven't spoken too can sometimes quite literally save their life, I've had experience with this. Even just reminding them that they are valued and loved can do so much
What do we fill this feeling with? T.V. Videogames? addictions? Alcohol? Lust? Going to parties? Food? Drinks? What do you use for a crutch? Do you block it out with exterior things? Do you block it out in the interior with pride? arrogance? vanity? dissociation? day dreaming? etc. Do we talk our problems away? Or do we suppress them? We laugh them off? Or do we kick and scream? Do you internalize or lash out?
A smile can uplift and convert a soul.
Small acts of kindness and love are what restore and renew all friendships. Patience, listening, and support are the bedrock to any relationship.
I was never good at these things, I'd like to say I have improved somewhat, and I do have slip ups once a while, but we're human, it shows that I have much work to attend to.
At the same time, though, being on the receiving end of these things helped me get through some horrible moments in life, and not having these things makes life nearly unbearable. An image has been appearing in my mind in my prayer, the Agony of Christ in the Garden. Our Lord, what he was to suffer, but I feel what pained him the most was that his closest friends fell asleep amidst his distress… not once, not twice, but three times… he spoke to them twice. I can only imagine the pain he had to endure in that moment. I can only experience less than an ounce of that agony, but I have some very small notion of what that is.
Let us not be asleep for friends, we should be with our friends in good times and difficult times, I know we all carry our crosses, but helping others often lightens the load of our own cross, at the same time we have a better appreciation of the other person and they in turn, us.
If you are struggling with feeling alone, I want to let you know that you aren't. You are loved beyond your imagination, and in fact, I love you with all my heart. You don't suffer alone, I suffer with you and love you all the more, and I mean that from the bottom of my soul.
