Joe pondered on his dilemma that day, Jamie had to go to the outhouse repeatedly. He did not understand it for he had eaten nothing. But his stomach cramped up and his visits became more frequent. When he stood he shivered and almost fell. His heart seemed to be thundering and then it would slow down to crawl, feeling every beat throughout his body.
He felt so ill that day he thought he was going to die. Mind over matter, he chanted in his mind, adopting it as a mantra. He remembered the old joke, "I don't mind and you don't matter." And he didn't. Nobody mattered less. For him it was finished, he would die, and hopefully the Cartwrights would suffer. The only regret he had was that he would not be there to see it. I must be strong. I've had a short life, and not a pleasant one. Stop feeling self-pity, stick to the facts. I was never meant to be. Maybe my mother would have loved me but she never got the chance. She's dead and I killed her. My father hates me, as does this wretched family. He would leave them to welter in their own hatred. Again, that voice, that damned voice. Where did it come from? He was not to know that it was his last vestige of sanity. For he knew he was insane. The voice told him so. You're a lunatic. You know it's not true. The Cartwrights gave you what you deserved. They don't hate you. They do, they do! he argued. Especially that monster, Benjamin Cartwright. You're unlovable, that's why. You've never known love because you've never deserved it. You're a hateful person and - "Shut up!" he cried, banging his head once more.
He disappeared for lunch and dinner, determined not to be found. Let them call all they want. As if they cared if he ate or not!
That night he curled up in bed. Surely this suffering could not go on. Surely the end was near. He truly hoped so. He could not help but weep as he realized he did not have long left for this world. All his hopes and dreams, the ones that every child has, but that he had always known would never come true.
