5. Loved
2023
The alarm sounds, but Suki's already been awake for hours, watching deepest night give way to grey dawn. She reaches out to turn it off, moving to push herself to the edge of the bed. She takes a moment to compose herself, closing her eyes, taking a deep breath. The exhaustion lives in her very bones now, but she must push through it. One foot in front of the other. Focus on the tasks for the day. Anything to keep her head above water. If she thinks on anything else too long, she'll drown.
Before she can stand, however, there's a hand around her bicep, tighter than strictly necessary. Her heart kickstarts like a frightened little rabbit, and she looks over her shoulder to find Nish propping himself up on an elbow, the charming predator's smile on his face.
"Come back to bed, Sukhwinder," he says.
She tries for her own smile in return, even as her stomach lurches. "I'll be late opening the shop."
"Get Debbie to do it. We pay her wages."
"She's not due in until the afternoon. It's hardly fair to swap her shift on such short notice."
"What's hardly fair is my wife looking as beautiful as she does and denying me the pleasure of holding her for just a little longer," he growls. It's supposed to be flirtatious, she knows this, but all it does is make sicken her.
She reaches out to pat his hand, a placating gesture. "Vinny's still home."
"He's a grown man. He understands what happens in the privacy of a bedroom. By the time you were his age you'd already had Kheerat, Jagvir, and Ashneet. He should have at least found a wife."
As always, Suki has the fierce urge to protect her youngest child from Nish's criticisms. He might have forced her into a terrible choice, but he will always be her baby. "Things are so different these days. People don't marry as young, they're encouraged to explore themselves more. He doesn't have to tie himself down so young, not until he's met the right person."
Nish scoffs at this. "We found the right person at young ages. And everyone knows that to succeed in business, a man needs a good woman behind him to keep his house in order. Until Parvinder has that, he'll never succeed at anything. It's high time he started standing on his own two feet. He's clung to your apron strings and expected you to clean up after him for far too long."
Suki bites her tongue. There's little to be gained from arguing, and she doesn't want to put Nish in a sour mood before they've even had breakfast. So she murmurs a dutiful, "You're right."
"Aren't I always?" he says.
Eve had given her the same response once, when they had been twined naked in a bed in Leeds, the early morning light painting the room pink and gold. But Eve's tone had been mischievous, firmly tongue-in-cheek, always leaving herself open to Suki's own playful derision. They'd laughed, Suki had kissed her, they'd lost themselves to passion.
She pushes down the memory. It hurts too much.
She climbs out of bed, reaching for her robe, only to find her progress halted by Nish once more.
"Suki, I thought we'd agreed," Nish says. "I want my wife."
She struggles not to flinch away from his touch. Even the brush of his fingers makes her skin crawl. But he mustn't suspect. He must believe that she is actively working on making their marriage a success. It's the only way to keep Eve safe. So she pats his hand again, tries another smile.
"Tonight," she says.
"I shall hold you to that," he says.
What more can she say? Feeling her throat closing over, she murmurs, "I'm getting a shower," before fleeing while she can.
Half an hour later she's armoured for the day: sharp suit, beehive, cool mask in place.
Nish ambles into the kitchen, finishing knotting his tie. "What's for breakfast?"
"Oh, sorry. I haven't started yet."
"You'd better hurry up, then. Or do you intend to send your husband to work hungry?"
"No, of course not," she says. "Will toast be okay?"
"I suppose it'll have to do," Nish says, "if you can't cook anything better."
"I'm just running late for the shop."
"That's why you should let Debbie open. It would give you more time to do the things you need to at home."
Suki closes her eyes. There's no use in rising to it. Nish will only use it as an opportunity to belittle her, to call her hysterical and ridiculous.
She's saved the indignity of answering by Vinny clattering into the room, tie askew and hair not quite as perfectly coiffed as it usually is.
"Is there any breakfast?"
"Sort yourself out, you look a mess," Nish barks sharply before Suki can even open her mouth to answer. "You should have been out of that door half an hour ago. Your meeting is in fifteen minutes."
"I was going to push it back—" Vinny begins, then quails under his father's look of abject contempt.
"You will do no such thing," Nish says. "What sort of attitude does that show to our clients? That Panesars don't take things seriously. No. If they start thinking that, they'll spread it to our other clients. And then we'll have a mutiny on our hands. I have worked too hard to watch you destroy it all with your immature inability to do anything right."
He's worked too hard. The blatant disregard of everything she's done to keep this family afloat during his years of imprisonment is breathtaking. Suki hears it over and over again, and yet it still manages to catch her by surprise that he thinks so little of the exceptional work she did to expand the vision he'd exulted about continually with no progress whatsoever.
But he hates that, doesn't he? He hates that she achieved something that he could not, so he took it from her a bit at a time, leaving her with only her work in the Minute Mart as a token gesture. And even that he tries to control, deciding when her shifts should be, how she should treat the people in her own domain.
She doesn't know why she keeps hoping that one day he might change.
Well, she does.
Because if she doesn't cling to that hopeless hope, it proves Eve right. That he will break her piece by piece until there is nothing left of her. That not even her love and loyalty to Vinny will be able to save her from disappearing into nothing. That he will rob her of her fire and spirit until she is but a husk of the good, obedient wife he has always wanted, there to enhance his image and nothing more.
"I could just grab a slice of toast—" Vinny tries one more time, but Nish slams his hand down on the kitchen table, making both him and Suki jump.
"I said no!" he shouts, levelling an accusing finger at his son. "If you want something, you can grab something from the Slaters' van on your way past. If it's not too busy. Other than that, you'll have to go without, and perhaps that will teach you better time keeping skills for the future. Now get out of my sight."
The look of disgust on Vinny's face at the mention of Stacey's van convinces Suki that he'll be going hungry this morning, but there's nothing she can say. If she tries to speak up, she'll only have to endure another scathing lecture about how much she's babied him.
It's coupled with a sense of guilty relief that Vinny still holds that grudge against Eve, that he will do whatever it takes to avoid being anywhere in her company. She doesn't want to have to add the anxiety of what might happen there should an encounter escalate. She's already stopped Vinny from making one stupid mistake. She doesn't want to have to add being terrified of Vinny taking further revenge against Eve on top of already worrying what would happen to her if Nish ever discovered the truth.
"Get going, then," Nish says, turning his back on him, a dismissal more akin to teacher and student than father and son. Vinny stomps out of the room, petulantly slamming the front door behind him.
"That boy is such a child," Nish growls, wrenching out a chair to sit himself at the table. "He needs to wise up fast if he wants any part in the family business."
"That's hardly fair—"
"I've just told you that I don't want to hear any more of the excuses you have for coddling him. His ineptitude is on you." He pauses and glares at her, making it clear that his word is final. "Now, where's this toast? Or am I also going to have to go out to have breakfast made by another woman?"
It's a relief to step outside into the fresh air.
The relief lasts less than a minute as she crosses the road.
Because Eve is there on the van. It must be her day to open.
For a moment, Suki is frozen.
They barely see each other these days. If they do, it's a guilty, furtive glance, where they quickly look away from each other. Suki knows that Eve bears her no ill will. The parting was heartbreaking for both, but not acrimonious. She knows Eve wouldn't want her to feel awkward or guilty.
But she still does. Whenever she sees Eve unprepared, all of those old feelings come rushing back up to the surface, threatening to drown her with their intensity.
She still loves her. Of course she does. It'll take a very, very long time for those feelings to heal to a dull ache that she only notices when she lingers over erstwhile memories too long, like an old hurt that rears its head in cold weather.
This morning, Eve hasn't seen her, and Suki takes the opportunity to just pause and watch her for a moment. To take what little she can get, because this is what she'll be consigned to for the rest of her days. Orpheus forever punished to look from the other side of the veil.
Eve's looking a little better than she had the last time she'd caught a glimpse of her. Then, she'd had the haunted, slightly pinched look of someone who wasn't taking care of themselves properly—too much time spent drinking, not enough eating or sleeping. Perhaps it's the warmth of this August morning deceiving her, but she does look like she has a healthier glow, and she's smiling again.
The smile is currently trained on some early morning punter; she's leaning over the side of the van's counter, chin propped on her fist, clearly flirting up a storm.
The knife twists in her gut.
It's not as if she doesn't know what's happening. She's heard the gossip on the square, filtering to her in snatches of conversation over the pints of milk: that Eve is out there painting the town red, bringing a different woman home every other night.
She doesn't want to think about it. She doesn't want to think about Eve touching any other woman the way she used to touch her. She doesn't want to think about any other woman touching Eve the way that she used to. Kissing her. Having the intimate knowledge of what she sounded like when she slept, what she looked like first thing in the morning when dawn's first light brushed her features. She doesn't want to think about any other woman making her laugh.
She doesn't want to think about her moving on.
Their eyes meet for a moment.
Time stops. And she's right back there again, in that moment when she broke both of their hearts, trapped by a choice that wasn't really a choice.
And then Eve looks away, returning her attention to the woman in front of her, and Suki forces her legs to move, to carry her in the direction of the shop. Her fingers tremble as she tries to unlock it, and when she's inside she moves straight to the storeroom without pausing, slamming the door behind her, sliding down the hard wood until she's crouching, curling in on herself, burying her face in her hands, the tears spilling hot and fast down her cheeks as the wave of loneliness and grief threatens to consume her.
A moment of mourning in the one place left to her.
She goes through the motions. Serves the customers stony-faced, knowing that they're leaving muttering about her under their breaths, about what an unpleasant woman she is. She doesn't care. Let that be her armour. It's all she had for so many years.
She cannot think about the woman she was when she was with Eve. Tracing hard edges with soft fingers, laughter muffled against supple skin, alive with light and life. No longer Suki Panesar. Just Suki.
It was cruel of her to let them both believe she could ever be anything else.
Her phone buzzes in her back pocket. When she has sent the customer packing with a curt farewell, she pulls it out. In the moments before she unlocks it, she always allows herself that sharp, vicious hope that perhaps it will be Eve, texting to check how she is.
If it was, it would go unanswered.
And of course it's not. Because Eve hasn't texted her in weeks.
It's her husband. She's foolish to think it could be anyone else.
I'll be late home tonight. Cook dinner a bit later.
Suki stares down at the words. She can't even bring herself to feel angry. She's just numb. Hollow. Tired.
Another text follows quickly on its heels.
And we're out of milk, I used the last of it in my coffee. Make sure you bring some home with you.
She almost replaces her phone without replying. But that would only cause more problems tonight if he didn't get any kind of acknowledgement. So she fires off a single word in reply.
Okay.
She can't bring herself to soften it with a kiss. Each time she sees it there in stark black and white, it reinforces to her the lie that she's living.
She shoves her phone back into her pocket and reminds herself to breathe.
It's late when she drags herself back through the front door; she just couldn't get the till to balance tonight. It probably has something to do with the fact that she hasn't eaten a thing all day, and a headache hammers at her skull. A couple of times her vision had blurred over, but she refuses to put that down to anything other than just exhaustion at attempting to make her brain work out the same discrepancy over and over and over again.
All she wants to do is pull on her pyjamas and crawl into bed, to hide in the dark and stave off the inevitable dawning of a new day for as long as she can.
She can't.
She goes straight into the kitchen and begins to cook.
"That was excellent, darling," Nish comments as he sits back in his seat. "I've always said that no one can cook like you do." He nods at her own plate. "But apparently you're not enjoying it as much as we are."
Vinny, previously engrossed in his, now looks towards hers. Suki tries to cover her solecism by taking a mouthful.
"Is there something wrong, Mum?" Vinny asks.
"No, putt," she soothes, gathering another forkful for his benefit. "I was just thinking, that's all."
A crease appears between Vinny's eyes, and his voice is vaguely suspicious as he presses, "What about?" Clearly, he's thinking of Eve.
"Just shop stuff," she says. "Nothing interesting."
And it's not a lie; in that moment, she hadn't been thinking of Eve. In all actuality, she hadn't been thinking of anything. Her mind had been blank, numb; she simply does not have the energy or will to eat. Each day she simply exists in a vacuum; she goes through the motions mechanically, programmed to do whatever is required to get through once more.
It's clear that Vinny doesn't believe her, but he returns to his food, perhaps a little more sullenly than before. She can't bring herself to care. What does he expect? For her to be able to turn her feelings off like a tap? For her to simply stop being who she really is deep down inside?
He was Ash's biggest supporter. He should know it doesn't work like that.
Nish doesn't seem to notice any tension; he looks to Vinny's empty plate and jerks his head. "Go on, get out for a couple of hours. Go to the pub or something. Your mother and I want some time alone."
Vinny glances between the two of them, his eyes lingering on Suki's face for a moment. She knows she looks tired and drawn, perhaps even stricken. But, ever eager to please, he only nods and grabs his jacket, heading out like a scolded puppy.
Nish watches him go with a satisfied smile.
"At last," he says. "We have the house to ourselves."
Suki knows what's coming next. Her skin has already started to crawl at the mere thought of what is expected of her. A plethora of excuses trip over themselves in her head. But how can she voice any of them? She's already denied him once today. If she tries to do so again, she will only incite his displeasure. He's not going to take no for an answer.
Still, she has to try.
She stands up to clear the plates. His hand closes around her wrist.
"Leave it," he commands.
She tries for a smile. "It's not going to clean itself."
"You can do it later." His tone brooks no argument. "Come on."
There's nothing she can say to deter him. So she lets him take her hand and lead her upstairs.
She lets him do what he needs to do, cupping his cheek and offering him a closed-mouth smile in the aftermath as he catches his breath. He rolls to the side and she reaches for her gown at once, slipping it on, tightening it around herself like a shield.
Nish opens his eyes at her movements. "Where are you going?"
"For a shower," she soothes. "And then I'm going to tidy downstairs. You stay here." The words almost stick in her throat. "You've earned it."
He looks so pleased with himself at that, but all it does is churn Suki's stomach. He really has no idea how much she loathes his touch, how she endures his desires for the sake of an easy life.
She takes fresh pyjamas through to the bathroom and dumps them on the laundry basket whilst she waits for the shower to heat up. Once it's almost scalding, she steps under the spray. She scrubs at herself until she's almost raw, needing the scent of him sluiced from her skin.
She can't scrub the memories from her mind.
When she's done, she pulls on her pyjamas and makes her way to the stairs. Nish is already asleep; she can hear him snoring. She creeps back to the kitchen. Numbly, she switches on the light and surveys the mess in front of her. Pots and pans, empty plates, remains to be scraped into the bin.
She sets about clearing up, working diligently until it's ready for use again in the morning.
Vinny returns halfway through the work, popping his head around the kitchen door.
"Oh," he says. "I thought you would've been in bed by now. It's late."
"I know. I'm just finishing up here. You go."
"I can help if you'd like."
"No, putt, it's fine. Get some rest."
Vinny lingers for a moment more, but ultimately withdraws. Suki knows that she ought to follow him up. The exhaustion lives in her very bones, a heavy lethargy that fogs her mind, weighs down her limbs, makes her feel as if she's living in a glass house that holds her separate from the rest of the world.
But she can't bear the thought of returning to him, having to lay on the very edge of the mattress just to make sure he doesn't touch her in the night.
Can't bear the thought of spending another sleepless night staring into the darkness, with no escape from her thoughts. In the daylight, as painful as it is, at least there are things to distract her sometimes. Working in the shop, helping Davinder with his homework, throwing herself into household chores.
In the dead of night, there's no escaping thoughts of Eve. No escaping those memories of Leeds, where they had spent endless hours conducting business between the sheets, swallowing each other's laughs and moans, dominance passing between them like the ebb and flow of the tide. No escaping the memories of afterwards, when they would lie tangled together, slick with sweat, trembling with those thrilling aftershocks, sharing whispered secrets they'd never told anyone else, exchanging kisses that grew sleepier and sleepier the longer they stayed there. No escaping the memories of falling asleep with Eve's arm draped over her naked waist, her face buried in her hair, or else holding Eve in her own arms, resting her cheek against the curve of Eve's shoulder, relishing the rise and fall of her body as she breathed.
No escaping the agonising thoughts of who Eve might be sharing her bed with tonight, who might be experiencing that delicious beauty of rolling on the mattress with her, who might be sleeping in the circle of her arms.
No, she can't bear it.
She sits at the kitchen table alone, pressing her palms against the scalding mug, waiting for the moment that she can't fight exhaustion any longer and is forced to return upstairs to lay next to the husband who might as well be a stranger.
2026
The alarm sounds, and with a tired groan, Suki reaches out a hand, searching blindly on her bedside table for her phone as it tinkles cheerfully. At last she finds it, and it goes silent. Dropping it back down, she buries her head back in her pillow.
There's movement behind her, then the warm press of her wife's body, an arm over her waist, a face pressed into the crook of her neck.
"Good morning, love," Eve murmurs, tone laced with that delicious gravel of ill-use.
Suki wriggles until she's rolled over to face her, taking in the warm pink tinge on Eve's cheeks, the mussed hair, the sleepy eyes. "Good morning to you too."
"It doesn't feel like it should be morning just yet," says Eve, moving to ring kisses around her throat. Suki closes her eyes, tilting her head back, biting her lip. It just feels too good.
"That's because we had a late night," she manages.
Eve hums. "Whose fault was that?"
"I didn't hear you complaining."
"When you were wearing that wispy lingerie? Babe, I think I was literally on the verge of combusting. I don't think anyone's self-discipline could withstand you looking as incredible as that."
Suki smirks, draping her arms around Eve's shoulders. Yes, by all accounts it had been an exceptionally satisfactory night. "And you're not expected on the van this morning."
"Thank God for small mercies. Now I don't have to make up another excuse for being late. I still don't think Stacey bought the plumbing emergency. I had to keep Elliott away from the van for a week just so she'd forget to ask him how the fix job had gone."
"So, in theory, we could have a lie-in for another hour..."
Eve grins. "Suki Panesar, what are you suggesting?"
"I'm going to text Priya," she murmurs, combing her fingers through Eve's hair. "She can open up the shop today. It'll do her good to take on some responsibility. If she had it her way, all she'd do all day is eat the stock and sit with her feet up."
"Like mother, like son, eh?" says Eve with a twinkle in her eye. Davinder's still a work in progress when it comes to helping out in the businesses. "Although his grandmother isn't setting a very good example for him, either, shirking her duties to stay in bed with her wife..."
"You're right." Suki makes to pull away. "Maybe I should get up right now."
Eve's hands find her waist as she sits up, and Suki smiles to herself, leaning back against her wife's firm solidity as Eve brushes her hair away from her shoulder to press kisses to the sensitive skin of her neck.
"Hey, I've never been one to set much stock by the rules," Eve says between kisses, and Suki turns around, shuffling until she's sitting astride her wife's lap. She sinks her fingers into her hair, tugs her head back slightly so that she's looking up at her.
"Given the right persuasion, I can be convinced to be rebellious," she says.
Eve grins up at her. "It's a good thing I'm gifted in the persuasion area, then."
Suki leans down slightly, just lightly brushing the tips of their noses together. "I'll be the judge of that. Now get persuading."
"Yes, ma'am," Eve says, and flips them over. Laughing, Suki scrabbles blindly for her phone, fires off the text to Priya whilst Eve makes quick work of her knickers, and loses herself to passion.
Sometimes, it strikes Suki all over again just how lucky she is to have a lover like Eve. Someone so attentive to her needs, who can read her body like a memorised book, who knows exactly where to touch and how to touch to make her see stars. She arches up with a choked moan, her fingers tense in Eve's hair as she keeps her there between her thighs, riding out those endless waves of pleasure.
Desperate to be so close to her in the aftermath, bodies sliding and grinding, entwined so tightly, kissing and kissing and kissing until her lungs burn, gaining so much satisfaction from Eve's low sounds of need as she adjusts the angle.
It isn't long before she's seeing stars again, Eve right there with her.
Ninety minutes later, they're moving with practiced synchronisation around the kitchen. Suki loves these kinds of mornings, peaceful and filled with love, without airs and graces and pretences. Eve's hair is dishevelled; she looks beautiful in her pyjama bottoms and navy hoodie. Eve monitors making tea while Suki busies herself with toast. When Eve brushes past her to fetch the milk, Suki reaches out to graze her fingers over her forearm.
On her way back, Eve presses a kiss to her hair, still down around her shoulders, not yet tamed into the formidable beehive.
Just casual intimacy. Trust.
They're sharing playful conversation over the breakfast table when there's the sound of a key in the lock, then Vinny's voice as he calls out, "Only me!"
"We're in the kitchen, putt!" Suki shouts.
He appears in the doorway seconds later, raising his eyebrows at them. "Thought you would've been heading out the door in a minute. You do know what time it is?"
Eve grins at him. "Being her own boss means that she can choose her hours."
"That's not what she would have told us," says Vinny, then seems to realise Suki is still in a silk robe and nothing else. He swears in Punjabi.
"Language," Suki admonishes.
"Y'know, you should at least give me some warning if you're gonna be…having a lie-in."
"You were the one who barged in here uninvited," Eve says cheerfully. "Just be grateful that you weren't here thirty minutes earlier."
"Eve!" Suki says reprovingly; her poor boy looks ill. "Though I wasn't aware that I needed to hang a 'do not disturb' sign outside my own front door," she adds, crooking an eyebrow in Vinny's direction.
Vinny has the grace to look sheepish. "I left my phone charger here last night."
She rolls her eyes. "I knew you weren't here just to see your mother."
"No, course I'm here to see you too, Mā," Vinny says hastily. "I just need to make sure my phone's got maximum juice because I'm expecting a call today from those new tenants over on George Street. You know, just want to make sure that they've got everything they need and all that stuff."
"Toast?" Eve offers.
"I'm not sure I could stomach it."
"Don't be such a prude. Here." Eve gets up to put more bread in the toaster. "I'll make you a cup of tea an' all. Sit down."
Vinny heaves a long-suffering sigh, but complies.
"So it's got nothing to do with a certain young woman who you've been texting incessantly for the past week?" Suki smirks, watching Eve idly out of the corner of her eye. She doesn't think she'll ever get used to how good she looks doing such simple, domestic things. And making breakfast for her son too. This is something she could only have dreamt about a couple of years ago.
"What!?" Vinny shifts guiltily. "No, I don't know what you're talking about."
"Mate, she saw it pop up on your notifications when you left your phone on the table last week," Eve advises. "She's been running background checks ever since."
"Shut up, you," Suki scolds.
"What, I'm just saying! You could give me a run for my money with skills for digging up dirt. By the way, Vin, she's had me look her up on Facebook."
Suki scowls at her, before turning her attention back to her son. "So, when are we going to meet her?"
"Not yet!" he protests. "Man, you're so embarrassing. I can't believe you've been stalking her."
"Not stalking!" Suki protests. "Just sating a minor curiosity, that's all."
"And if he believes that, he'll believe anything," Eve snickers. She places the steaming mug in front of Vinny then flops into the seat next to Suki, pushing her hair lazily out of her eyes. If she wasn't so gorgeous mussed and content, Suki would be cross with her.
"You have seemed very happy these last couple of weeks," she ventures cautiously.
Vinny pauses to consider it. "I suppose so. It's early days, but she does make me smile."
The toast pops from the toaster; Eve goes to fetch it. Suki reaches across to cup her son's face in the palm of her hand, smoothing her thumb over his cheek. Even with the neat beard, he still looks like her little boy, not a man of thirty. No matter what happens, he will always be her boy, her precious youngest.
"The one and only thing I want for you, Parvinder," she murmurs, "is for you to be happy. Whoever that's with and whatever that looks like, as long as you're happy, nothing else could ever matter to me."
Vinny places his hand on top of hers and smiles, that shy, boyish grin that she's always loved so much. "Thanks, Mum. And I'm so glad that you found someone to make you happy too. I know…I know I didn't handle it well at the time, but it's like you're a different person now. Happiness really suits you."
She returns his smile. He's right: happiness does suit her. Because, for the first time in her life, she's comfortable in her own skin, at peace with who she really is. Maybe, in another life, she might not have been a mother if she'd had the bravery to follow her own heart from the beginning. But a life without her children is something she can't even begin to comprehend. They were the four chambers of her heart, the one thing that had kept her going through the turmoil that life had thrown at her. She has fully embraced who she really is: a mother, and a woman in love with another woman.
"I'll just hop in the shower," Eve says in the background, and Suki knows that it's her way of excusing herself from the situation to give them some time alone together. Every day, she finds new ways to fall in love with her wife.
Eve offers her a brief kiss as she passes, shoots Vinny a cheerful wink, then leaves them to it.
Vinny takes a swig of tea, beginning to chatter about his plans for the day, and Suki sits back in her seat, content to let him have his moment to shine.
Eve departs for work before Suki, leaving her with a kiss and a lingering embrace. By the time Suki crosses the square to the shop, Eve is behind the bap van, entertaining the masses. Suki pauses on her commute, taking a moment to drink in the sight of her.
The freshness of spring is already upon them, and Eve's taken the first opportunity to bring the t-shirts out of hibernation. She cuts a striking figure in the green apron and the tight white tee, accentuating her athletic build. She's leaning over the hatch, clearly flirting with the punter who is lavishing her bap with generous lashings of condiment.
At one time, torn apart by circumstance but not by time, Suki would have burned with a desperate jealousy at seeing the love of her life turning her attention to other women, afraid of the thought of losing her for good to someone else almost as much as she was afraid of losing her to Nish's rage.
Now she only huffs in amused exasperation. She is completely secure in the knowledge that Eve's head could never be turned by anyone else. A bit of harmless flirting to draw in the punters, that's just part of the job. Suki knows that she's the only person that Eve ever wants to come home to at the end of a long day, the only person who knows Eve's deepest, most intimate secrets, the person Eve wants to spend the rest of her life with. They have the rings to prove it.
This is only cemented further when Eve glances across and meets her eye. Her smile is wide and blinding, and she raises her hands, making the shape of a heart with her fingers.
Suki's heart skips a beat in her chest. And, after glancing around to make sure no one is watching, she mimics the gesture.
She'd never live that down if anyone saw her.
If possible, Eve's smile widens even further, and she pretends to catch that heart in her hands.
Suki shakes her head, unable to stop her own grin, resuming her walk towards the shop.
Yes, her heart is well and truly in Eve Unwin's hands.
"You are joking, aren't you?" Suki says, massaging her temple, just about managing to keep her temper in check. "The delivery was supposed to be here two hours ago, and now you're telling me it could be another three!?"
"I'm sorry, ma'am, but sometimes unforeseen circumstances arise," the distributor says. "We're doing everything we can to be with you as soon as possible, but we can't make any guarantees."
Suki ends the call without bothering to say anything else. What's the point? She'll only say something scathing.
"That didn't sound good," Priya comments. As usual, she's finding any excuse not to work, currently sitting on the counter with a can of energy drink. Suki scowls at her, but it doesn't seem to faze the younger woman.
"The delivery's delayed," she mutters, deciding against making an issue out of Priya's laziness. She only does it to get a rise out of her anyway, and it would be playing right into her hands.
"Oh, that's not good," says Priya, sounding anything but concerned. "I hope you're not expecting me to stay here for that. I've already done you a favour by opening up for you this morning."
"We wouldn't want you straining yourself," Suki says sarcastically.
"Knew you'd be on the same page, Sukes." She leaps down from the counter. "Now, if you don't mind me, I've got a hot date tonight, I need to go and get ready."
Suki arches an eyebrow. "Is it wise to leave Davinder and Avani without supervision?" They might be almost adults now, but the last time they'd been trusted alone they'd thrown a wild party that had ended with half of Walford's police department showing up to complaints about the noise levels. Not to mention the scattered condom wrappers Suki had stumbled across when she and Eve had gone to help with the cleanup.
Priya waves this away. "Father of the Year has offered to keep an eye out. No doubt he'll have something critical to say, but he's hardly in any position to take the moral high ground. I caught him with his trousers round his ankles in Walford East with that new waitress."
"Well, that's health and safety out of the window," says Suki. "Just as long as the children aren't caught in the middle of this petty feud." It can be quite exhausting at times, not knowing whether Ravi and Priya are on good terms or not.
"People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. You used my son in the middle of your petty war with Ravi. And don't even get me started on all that insanity that went down with Psycho Nish."
Suki bites her tongue with great difficulty. It's best not to rise to those particular taunts. She's not proud of what she did, and she's trying her best not to constantly rake over old hurts. It won't help her in the long run, ultimately, only remind her of what she's still lost. Since then, she's managed to make an uneasy peace with Ravi, not least because he eventually did the right thing when it mattered the most where his father was concerned. She will never be able to forgive him for what he did to Eve out in the woods, for what he did to Kheerat, but she can at least be in the same room as him without wanting to see him suffer.
"Go home, Priya," she says instead.
"Don't worry, I'm off. Have a wonderful evening, Sukes. Say hi to your Bradford Butch for me."
That's all Priya ever calls Eve when she's around Suki, because she knows that it gets under Suki's skin. The passing years have forged a kind of reluctant respect between the two of them, but Priya never wastes an opportunity to needle at her. Eve says it's because the two of them are so similar. Suki is insulted that anyone could ever think such a thing.
With a satisfied smirk, Priya leaves, and Suki can finally have some quiet, if not peace. Now all she can do is wait for the delivery. She shoots a text off to Eve.
I'm sorry, I'm going to be late tonight.
Eve responds a few moments later, and Suki can't help but chuckle at how easily distracted Eve is from her work. Just that thought makes her feel a little better. Calmer.
Why, what's happened?
Useless delivery men, that's what. Could be another couple of hours.
Don't worry, I'll sort tea tonight. Want me to pick anything up on the way home?
Thanks, but I think there's enough in.
Cool. Owt you fancy? Apart from me, of course. x
Surprise me. X
Yes, boss.
Idiot. X
But you love me anyway. X
Desperately. X
Suki slides her phone back into her pocket, equilibrium restored. No matter how much her day might teeter on the edge of turning into a bad one, Eve always swoops in to pull it back from the brink. She is so very, very lucky.
At long last, the delivery is accounted for, and she can head off home. Suki locks the shop behind her, stuffs her keys back into her handbag, and hurries across the square to the home she shares with Eve.
"It's only me," she calls as soon as she's through the door, relishing the opportunity to kick off her heels. "Something smells surprisingly good!"
"Oh, ye of little faith!" comes Eve's voice from the kitchen. "I'll have you know that I'm pretty good now!"
"You've had an excellent teacher," she teases, treading the familiar path towards the kitchen.
"A proper fair trade-off, then," Eve returns. "Because you also had an excellent teacher in the art of sapphic love."
Suki enters the kitchen to find her wife standing over a pan on the stove. She's already set the table. The plates are on the side, ready to be filled.
"Modest, too," she teases.
"Do you disagree?"
"No," she says. "But I like to think I was a quick study."
"Oh, absolutely." Eve turns off the stove, and Suki sidles up, slipping her arms around her waist from behind, stretching on her tiptoes to nestle her head into the curve of her shoulder. She presses a kiss there, relishing Eve's sigh of contentment. "As your teacher, I would give you full marks every single time. Now, go and get yourself seated. Dinner will be served very soon."
Suki presses one last kiss to her shoulder, gives her an affectionate squeeze for good measure, then does as she's been bidden. In minutes she's presented with a steaming plate of vegetable biryani, and Eve sits herself across from her, eager to hear all about her day and playfully leading the cursing of inept deliverymen.
It's everything she's ever needed.
They work together to clean the kitchen, spend an hour curled up on the sofa watching television together. Once the episode has concluded and Suki has finished her disparaging assessment of the gaping plot holes, she suggests that they head up to bed. Eve checks her watch.
"Actually, Kat gave me some paperwork earlier," she says. "She wants me to give it the onceover before she signs anything. You head on up and I'll join you in a bit, yeah?"
"Or you could bring the papers to bed with you," says Suki.
"I'm not sure how successful that'll be, love. I think I'd be too easily distracted from all of the lawyer jargon if you were in bed next to me."
"Good to know that I can beat out stuffy contracts."
"Just about. You know that stuff is an aphrodisiac to someone of my profession."
"Then it's a good job you lost your licence to practice."
"Mmm, a very good job for you. Otherwise you'd find yourself very jealous."
Grinning, Suki leans forward, indulging in a long, sensual kiss. When she pulls back, she finds Eve's eyes closed, lips slightly parted, a look of absolute adoration upon her face.
"On the other hand, I think I'd fancy my chances," she murmurs, running her thumb over that enticing bottom lip. "I don't think contracts can make your brain forget how to function."
"Well, they can, just not always for the right reasons."
"Come to bed," Suki says. "You can look over those papers, and I can read my book. I'd prefer to have you there beside me instead of sitting up waiting for you to join me."
Eve leans forward to press a brief, chaste kiss to her mouth. "Is it embarrassing that that's all you needed to say to convince me?"
"Very. You're wrapped around my little finger, and everyone knows it."
"I wouldn't have it any other way."
Suki cups her cheek. "Neither would I."
Eve rests their foreheads together for a brief moment, smiling. "Let's head on up, then."
They work together with well-practiced efficiency to turn the lights off, plump the sofa cushions, and ensure all the doors are locked. Eve takes her folder upstairs and throws it onto the bed whilst she busies herself with her nightly routine. She never takes as long as Suki does; by the time she's ready to join her, Eve's already engrossed in her reading.
Suki peels the covers back, slipping into bed beside her wife and reaching for the book on her nightstand. For a while, there's nothing but contented silence between them, the rustling of paper, the warm press of Eve's thigh against her own, the reassurance that even though they're in the same room, they can pursue their own interests without judgement or ridicule.
At length, Eve stifles a yawn, stuffing the papers back into the folder.
"Well, I'm knackered," she says. "I'm turning in."
"I just want to finish this chapter," Suki murmurs as Eve rolls over to turn the lamp off on her bedside table.
"Of course," says Eve. "Goodnight, my love."
They share one last kiss before Eve settles down on her side facing her, her eyes drifting closed. Without even thinking about it, Suki's spare hand drifts down to Eve's mop of hair. One hand navigating her book clumsily, she plays idly with Eve's locks with the other, a tic she doesn't even think about.
And so she sits there, in her own home with a woman she adores beyond reason, with no expectations or exigences placed upon her, indulging in a hobby she loves without fear of reprimand or jealous demands for her attention, with the weight of Eve's arm thrown across her thighs and the soft sounds of her breathing and the real, visceral certainty that there is nowhere in the world she would rather be.
Suki has never felt so loved.
