She'd never known anyone who lived long enough to die of anything as mundane as cancer.

When Maria had told them the news that one of the other teens in town had passed during the night at breakfast, Joel had excused himself from their table and she didn't see him until he came in after midnight and locked himself in his room until the next morning. She didn't really understand why he was so affected by it. They didn't even really know Marcus or his Dad. No one was torn apart. No one had to shoot the only person that had ever given a shit about them. No one had to kill a stranger who tried to–

Cancer seemed so simple and easy in comparison to all of that.

But apparently it's not. At least not if you lived before death was something that was expected for anyone at any point.

The funeral was set for late in the morning and Maria was already at the council offices doing whatever it is that gets done before you put a body in the ground which left her with Tommy, Mariana, and an increasingly agitated Joel sitting around Tommy's kitchen table with mostly untouched breakfast plates waiting for it to be time to head to the church for the funeral.

Something Ellie really didn't want to do.

She'd only been to the Jackson chapel a handful of times, and two of them had ended with her unable to think about anything other thanhim. The last twenty-four hours had been enough of a whirlwind that she hadn't found a chance to try to get out of going yet, and it was now or never.

"You know, I could stay here." Ellie offered nervously, unsure how either of the Miller brothers would respond to the suggestion. "Keep an eye on Mari and whatever."

To everyone's surprise, Joel responded almost immediately. "I want you there, baby girl."

That name always stopped Ellie in her tracks. She didn't think Joel knew that – if he did he'd surely use it to get her out of bed and to school more often than not – but there was nothing she'd say no to when he called her that. Not after the first time. "Yeah, okay"

"Wish I could have given Sarah the service she deserved." Joel explained softly, his hand reaching out to rest on Ellie's shoulder as he cleared his throat. "It's nice to be somewhere where people are doin' that for the people they love again."

Ellie nodded, forcing a small smile as she lied through her teeth. "I guess that does sound nice."


She's not sure why she keeps doing this to herself.

Agreeing to attend all of these things that everyone else wants her there for in the place she wants to be the least has become an embarrassing pattern of self-destruction. She doesn't think it's going to be easier each time she does it. Not based on how badly they've gone in the past and how painful the gaping hole that opens in her stomach every time she walks through the front doors.

But Joel wanted her to come today. So she did. Sitting dutifully between Joel and Tommy, Maria on the other side of her husband with the baby in her lap. Ellie's heart raced unevenly as she stared blankly at the front of the chapel, trying to focus on the eulogy Marcus's father was giving to stop herself from thinking too much about where they were.

It worked until the man stopped to blow his nose in his handkerchief before hoarsely continuing, "He's always been a kid that reminds me of myself."

You see a lot. So do I. And you know what I see when I look at you? Me. You remind me of me. You're a natural leader, you're smart... loyal. Violent… If I let you out of that cage right now, put that knife of yours in your hand, you'd stick me in a second. You have a violent heart. And I should know. I've always had a violent heart.

She shouldn't be surprised that David's voice was once again ringing through her ears as she tried to push through another hour in the chapel. But she's surprised, and this memory was worse. Because he was right. She was violent. Her only response to things she doesn't know how to handle is to cause pain. There was no use in arguing when proof was bleeding onto her palms as what remained of her chewed down nails sliced against her skin.

The only way out was to cause someone pain. Even if it meant hurting herself.

Ellie kept her focus on that pain and she managed to stay seated until the service had ended and everyone began to file out of the church towards the cemetery, quickly excusing herself with a whisper of, "Bathroom." before bolting out the side door of the chapel.

Of fucking course it was starting to snow.

Her plan had been to wander Jackson, avoiding everyone until long after Marcus had been left in the cemetery, but there was no way she could handle that in the snow.

For the first time in months wet crystals stuck to her eyelashes, distorting the town in front of her into something unrecognizably vague.

It could be Jackson. But it could just as easily be–

Ellie is pulled from her spiraling thoughts by the sound of her name behind her, causing her to immediately turn back with her arm raised to pin her attacker against the wall only to see Jesse throwing his hands in the air.

"Whoa!" Jesse called out, startled by the extremity of her reaction. "Sorry! It's just me."

Ellie stared back at him for a moment before scrubbing the tears from her eyes and letting out an awkward laugh as she tried to shake off the anxiety that was rushing through her. "Christ, didn't anyone ever teach you it's fucking rude to sneak up on someone."

"I wasn't trying…" Jesse trailed off as he studied Ellie's expression. Ellie never showed much emotion in her face, but the panic she was trying to hide was nearly identical to when she'd ran out of Cat's mom's wedding earlier in the Fall. "You want me to find Joel?"

"Fuck no." Ellie snapped back angrily, only to shrink in embarrassment at the look of shock on her friend's face. "Just… let's pretend this didn't fucking happen. Okay?"

"Yeah." Jesse nodded in agreement. "No problem."

Jesse seemed to understand what she needed, nodding his head forward as a suggestion that they keep walking. An impossible task that was suddenly tolerable now that Jesse was there with her.

David and Jesse never met. If Jesse was there, that meant he couldn't be.

The pair spent the next hour walking around the empty streets of Jackson in silence until quiet chatter began to filter through the town.

"Fuck. We missed it, didn't we?" Ellie cursed as she began to scan the street for Joel, expecting hisI'm not mad, just disappointedgaze to already be staring back at her.

Jesse shrugged, pulling her attention back to him as he muttered. "Marcus was kind of a dick."

Ellie's eyes widened in surprise, her elbow instinctively jutting to the side and lightly catching Jesse's ribs. "I'm pretty sure it's like fucking cursed to shittalk dead people." The memory of David slips through her mind once more prompting her to add, "You know unless they were like… evil evil."

"I guess stealing my Nintendo when we were ten doesn't constitute evil evil." Jesse sighed dramatically. "But still. Dude was a dick."

Before Ellie can respond they're interrupted by Tommy turning the corner onto the street they were on with a visibly relieved expression. "There ya are darlin'." He wrapped his arm around Ellie's shoulders, pulling her slightly against his side before meeting her gaze again. "Joel wanted me to let you know he's taking Old Beardy out for a ride. Just needs to clear his head."

Ellie nodded, staring down at the pavement in an attempt to hide the quickly forming tears in her eyes. "Yeah, okay."

"You're gonna come over to our place." Tommy instructed, offering a conspiratorial smirk as he tried to entice her into agreeing to the plan. "You and Maria can kick my ass at Scrabble."


Ellie kicked everyone's ass at Scrabble.

Well, everyone but Mariana's.

They always let Mariana play family games to keep her occupied, but her turn was a somewhat chaotic amalgamation of whatever the other players could manage with her cards or pieces. For some games this put the baby hopelessly behind, but for Scrabble it meant that those turns had the advantage of working with the vocabulary of a lawyer, a Texan or two, and an apocalypse military kid.

There was no competing with that.

When there was no sign of Joel by the time both Tommy and Maria had started trying to stifle their yawns to keep themselves awake with her she had feigned tiredness herself before excusing herself to the guest room where she sat with the journal she'd been given by the therapist Maria had talked Joel into sending her to about a month after they'd returned to Jackson wide open on the mattress in front of her.

It turned out that sending a teenager with over a year of trauma she couldn't actually talk about into the Jackson clinic to talk about her trauma was one of the worse calls the Miller family had made regarding Ellie's wellbeing.

During her second appointment Ellie had panicked when she'd been asked how she met Joel and several clumsy answers to probing questions later she and Joel were in the center of a formal investigation into possible human trafficking that had the entire council pressing for Ellie to give them an answer she couldn't give.

Maria managed to talk the council down and Tommy vouching for his brother was enough for any remaining suspicion to fade away and eventually Joel was allowed into the clinic where he carefully kept his distance as he spoke to the council members and clinic staff himself before taking her home with the rest of the Millers at their side. People seemed to have moved on from the incident, but Ellie still felt the stares of the woman – she thinks her name was Morgan… or maybe Megan – and the nurses who were in the clinic that day like ice on her neck.

Obviously, therapy hadn't stuck, but the journal had.

Having somewhere to put all of the thoughts that she didn't know how to process or didn't want to talk about meant that she could let them go, at least for a little while. Long enough to enjoy a movie night with Tommy, a trail ride with Joel, or the closest thing she'd gotten to a full night's sleep as long as she can remember.

Usually her pages were filled with random thoughts and sketches. It didn't matter how readable any of it was, no one was supposed to read it. That was part of the agreement Ellie made when she'd started it in the first place. But if she was dead and someone(Joel)broke that promise, she wanted them to know what she wanted.

When I die just put me in the ground and walk the fuck away.

I don't want any of the god shit or the heaven shit.

Just let me be dead in fucking peace.

She stared down at the words in front of her for a long time before scribbling one last sentence and slamming the book shut. She lay awake with the journal tucked under her pillow for some time before sighing heavily and retrieving the journal to cross her pen back and forth over the fear she didn't want to admit she still thought about.

Just don't let anyone eat me.