Ellie was spiraling.
She tried to hide it, not wanting to be any more of a burden on Joel than she already was, but that meant long nights of tears and previously suppressed panic attacks spent alone in her room. Which had worked for awhile. Until she stopped being able to hide that she wasn't sleeping.
Joel had started calling her a raccoon a few weeks ago. At first it was clearly in jest, but it had become more serious in the past few days. The dark circles under her eyes prompted questions that she didn't want to answer.
Questions that she didn't know how to answer.
The longer she went without any real sleep the less in control she felt until she finally agreed to take the sleep aid that Joel had gotten her from the clinic the week before and she crashed in Joel's bed as he quietly read to her until she was fast asleep.
Unfortunately, Joel let her sleep in the next morning. Something about "wanting her to catch up on some sleep" or some bullshit. Which to be fair, she normally wouldn't have been bothered by. But on that day it meant that she'd gotten to school late the day of community day signups.
That was her first mistake.
By the time she got there the only thing left was spending the day helping organize and clean the basement that had been recently discovered hidden behind a false wall in the old church in the center of town.
Community day wasn't really optional. It was how the teens in Jackson got introduced to the jobs around town that they would be joining in on in the next few years. Without a way out of it Ellie pulled the pen from the side of the clipboard and scribbled her name across one of the open lines below CHURCH - WEISS before heading to the dining hall where the rest of the school already was for lunch.
Dina and Jesse waved her over as soon as she'd stepped in the hall, but she made a detour to the food line before returning to their usual table and sitting down at the end of the bench next to Jesse.
"Where have you been?" Dina stared at her, her features visibly concerned as she appraised her friend's disheveled appearance.
"Fucking asleep." Ellie grumbled as she picked the meat off from her sandwich. "Joel thought I needed rest or whatever and didn't wake me up this morning."
Jesse groaned dramatically. "Lucky. My parents have me locked up in my bedroom with the lights out at like nine on weekdays so we can get up at the crack of dawn." He complained, his lower lip comically shooting out. "I'd give anything to be as tired as you look."
Ellie rolled her eyes in response and Dina elbowed his ribs with a pointed glare before turning back to Ellie. "Jesse and I are doing horseshoeing on Friday with Tommy and Seth. There were a couple spots left when we signed up. Did you get one?"
"Uh… no." Ellie set down her sandwich, the reminder more than enough to ruin any semblance of appetite she'd had left. "I'm with… actually, do you know who Weiss is?"
Jesse turned to Dina, obviously recognizing the name. "She's the rabbi that just moved in, right?"
Ellie shook her head in confusion after Dina nodded in affirmation. "The fuck's a rabbi?"
"It's the Jewish equivalent of like a pastor or reverend." Dina explained, grabbing an apple slice from Ellie's untouched bowl. "They can run a synagogue and provide spiritual guidance for their people."
Ellie's stomach sank miserably at the explanation. Not only would she be stuck in a church all day, she'd be stuck there with a fucking pastor. She tried to hide her discomfort as she replied, "Oh. Cool."
"Back in the Albuquerque QZ we had a synagogue until FEDRA closed it down." Dina babbled on, clearly not noticing that Ellie was less interested in what she had to say than usual. "Talia and I went every Saturday until then though. Rabbi Wiess is actually…"
Ellie would never know what Dina had told her about Rabbi Wiess, her ears roaring with a rush of blood as she nodded in feigned interest as her friend continued babbling next to her for the rest of the meal.
After school Ellie stopped at the storehouse for Joel. It was on her way home and Ellie liked the staff well enough to be willing to stop in by herself, so storehouse pickups had become her go-to chore from Joel, Tommy, and Maria.
When she pushed the door open she was greeted by the mostly empty front room of the storehouse. A woman she didn't recognize was skimming the titles of the books that sat on the shelf marked FREE by the front door and her favorite storehouse manager sat on a stool behind the counter.
"Hey Sayid." Ellie greeted the man at the counter. "Joel asked me to pick up an order for the construction crew on my way home. Something about paint?"
The older man nodded knowingly, handing her a comic book from the stash he kept under the desk. "Coming right up, little Miller."
Ellie smiled at the name as she tucked the comic into her backpack. It made her heart jump with joy anytime someone in Jackson called her a Miller, but that leap was always followed by a rush of grief as she remembered that she wasn't.
The comic didn't hurt either.
She'd entirely forgotten someone else was there until a voice just behind her spoke, causing Ellie to spin around to see the woman who had been looking at the books standing next to her. "You must be Ellie. I've heard about you from your friend, Dina."
Ellie stared at the outstretched hand in front of her for a moment before hardening her gaze and replying, "And who the fuck are you?"
"Rabbi Weiss." The woman replied. Seemingly unphased by the question. "But you can just call me Rachel."
"Oh." Ellie stared back at her, her brain short circuiting as she tried to process the reality that she'd once again been left alone with a pastor again. "Yeah, uh Dina told me about you today. I'm doing the church on Friday."
"That's wonderful, Ellie." Rachel smiled patiently. "It'll be good to have some strong women working on the project."
Ellie's saved from having to reply by Sayid emerging from the back of the storehouse with two pails of paint, one in each hand. "Here you are, little Miller. Tell Joel that he doesn't need to worry about bringing back the leftovers. I've got paint pouring out of my ears back there."
Ellie snorted slightly as she took the paint cans from the counter, before turning back to the door where she saw the woman she'd hoped would have disappeared standing between her and the exit. She stared anxiously for a moment before attempting an awkward wave with her hand that was holding the lighter of the two cans. "Well, see you Friday I guess."
"I'll see you at school tomorrow, actually." Rachel corrected with a smile. "I did a Master's in mathematics education so Miss Segal has asked me to come in and teach a session with your age group."
I am a preacher, but just pretty standard Bible stuff… I actually started believing after the world ended. Before that, I was a teacher. Math. Taught kids about your age…Yeah, exactly…Well, I found God... after the Apocalypse, which is either the best time or the worst time to find Him, hard to say.
Ellie could feel the sweat beading on the back of her neck as she tried to process the woman's words, well aware that she was expected to respond. After a long moment of silence she ended up nodding harshly, clutching the handles of each can firmly in her fists as she kept her eyes on the woman in front of her until she'd backed up against the door to push it open allowing her to easily bolt from the building into the unkempt winter fields.
Somewhere no one would be. Especially not anyone who worked in the church.
It was well after dark before Ellie remembered she was supposed to have dinner with Joel and by the time she got home she was honestly surprised Joel wasn't out on the street with a whole search party.
He was sitting in the front room in the armchair that faced the door, a book she knows he isn't interested in laying across his lap and his reading glasses perched on the end of his nose.
"Where you been, baby girl?" Joel asked anxiously, the book falling from his lap as he stood to take the paint cans from her visibly red fists. "I had dinner ready over an hour ago."
"Uh…" Ellie fumbled as she kicked her shoes off. The truth was other than not here she's not even sure where she's been. "Nowhere. I lost track of time again."
Joel rolled his eyes affectionately before heading into the kitchen, Ellie following him until she reached the counter where she placed the cans. He set a plate in front of the seat next to the paint cans before giving her a curious glance. "You been haulin' this paint around?"
Ellie nodded, her focus still far from her present as she took a seat in front of the plate.
"Impressive." Joel offered as he moved the cans from the countertop to the skinny table at the side of the room by the back door. "Bit stupid, but impressive."
Ellie managed a small smile at his joke before she set about using her fork to push the pasta around her plate without actually taking a bite.
Joel watched her quietly for several minutes before finally pressing his luck with a question he knew she didn't want him to ask. "You sure you're feelin' okay?"
"Fucking peachy." Ellie replied angrily stabbing through several noodles and shoving them into her mouth before meeting Joel's visibly concerned gaze and repeating the same lie she'd been telling herself all evening. "I'm okay. I promise."
