Chapter 24
Nellie
Somewhere in the Atlantic
April 14, 1912
Although the situation was entirely out of her control, Nellie couldn't help but feel increasingly frustrated at Leana's moaning from her cot. It had been her father that had insisted Nellie take a nurse with her. Not so that Nellie could have help during the journey, but so that she would appear to fit in with high class society. The idea had seemed ridiculous when her father first proposed it. Nellie had never had a nursemaid since Isla was born as she had chosen to nurse her baby herself. But the matter was settled and Leana was thrust in with them on their journey to Southampton. But Leana did not have sea legs nor a strong stomach, making Nellie wonder if it was wrong to ask for the cost of Leana's services to be lowered once they reached New York.
Callen had slept off his hangover and had gone with Jock, leaving Nellie alone with Isla for the evening. Jock had been avoiding her all day, probably because he knew she had guessed what he'd been up to the night before. Even though she only had one child to take care of tonight, she berated herself for letting Callen run off before they'd even had supper. Jock had promised Callen another meal in first class, an invitation Nellie easily passed over. She resigned herself to having to bring Isla down to the dining saloon with her to eat, as Leana's retching made the idea of eating in this room rather unappetizing. Isla's teething had made her rather unhappy during the evenings and Nellie knew she had a long night ahead. She was exhausted, and even now she wasn't sure how she was going to make it to Isla's bedtime as the baby was already fussy.
There was a sharp rap on the door, much to Nellie's annoyance. If this was a steward about to ask her to calm her crying baby…
To her shock, it was Tommy Ryan when she opened the door.
"Good evening," he said, taking his hat off and smiling. "I hope I'm not disturbing you."
"I can't pretend I'm not busy," Nellie replied as Isla continued to whine and squirm in her arms. Tommy immediately took the baby from her, shushing and rocking her until she quieted at last.
"Callen came down to see me," he said. "He told me you might need some help at dinner as you would be by yourself."
She felt a flutter in her stomach looking at his green eyes. She had left him so hurriedly earlier because there was something about Tommy Ryan that both excited and terrified her. There was also a small part of her that knew this was going to end badly once they reached New York and had to go their separate ways.
"That was kind of him," she said, unable to resist a smile upon seeing Isla's giggles being in Tommy's arms.
"Third class dining isn't much," Tommy said. "But we'll have a merry time."
Nellie almost began to follow him down the hallway when she stopped. "Why don't you join me in second class?" she said. "You were able to make your way up here no problem. No one will stop you if you come to supper with me."
Tommy glanced down at his clothing. "But won't I look a bit out of place among all those uppity-ups like I did this morning?"
He did look quite like a steerage passenger, but he'd at least been smart enough to come up to her room wearing a tweed suit.
"I'll get at least one decent meal out of this voyage," he said after a moment, eagerly following her as she led the way.
Both Nellie and Tommy would be fooling themselves to think that Tommy would be let into the dining saloon without some resistance from the stewards, but Nellie had brought out some of her father's personality that she had inherited. She pressed a crown into one of the steward's hands, making him much more eager to open the door for the two of them.
Tommy ate ravenously, almost as if he hadn't eaten all day. Nellie joked with him when he saw served wine instead of beer with his meal, comparing last night's raucousness to the eloquence of second class. She rather enjoyed her meal herself, Tommy and she passing off Isla as they ate, feeding her bits of pudding and mashed vegetables. Nellie usually did this on her own when Leana wasn't available and was glad to be with a man who was willing to help care for a child.
Their conversation was lighthearted throughout the meal, but the longer Nellie stared into Tommy's eyes, the more she wanted to understand what had brought him on this ship. Tonight, he was sober and appeared to be in a jovial mood, prompting her to try and ask about Dublin once more.
"Are you getting excited the closer we get to America?" Nellie asked, hoping to steer the conversation in her direction.
"Aye," he replied. "It's a funny feeling. Ever since we sailed away from Queenstown, I feel guilty yet relieved."
"Did you leave anyone behind?" Nellie did her best to try not to let her cheeks flush when she asked the question. She only hope that he wasn't committed to anyone or that there wasn't a girl waiting for him in Boston.
"Only me parents' and brother's graves in Dublin," he said, drinking the rest of his one in one large gulp. "But I had already left their graves behind when I moved to Belfast."
"How did they die?"
Tommy remained silent for a long time, poking at the food on his plate. "Me parents died when I was young. I barely remember them to be honest. But they left me in the care of my older brother. He was a revolutionary like my father and I grew up going to underground meetings for Irish nationalism."
Without Nellie having to press him further, he told her everything. From his brother's death, how he obtained his grandfather's pocket watch, to how he left Dublin after the deaths of his two fellow revolutionaries. She was mesmerized and heartbroken at the same time. There were several times when he had been speaking only for his voice to break and he would have to stop, taking deep breaths to collect himself. Was she the first person he had told any of this to?
"It's no wonder you want to start over," she said at last when he had finished. "As good as the cause may be, those boys in Dublin can't win against the English using only their fists."
Tommy nodded. "At least I know I won't have to fight English oppression in America. They took care of that already, thank God."
Isla began to cry and Tommy and Nellie realized that they were some of the last ones in the dining saloon. No wonder Isla was upset; it was past her bedtime!
"You'll have to excuse me," Nellie said. "I need to nurse the baby."
Tommy merely stared at her. Would this be another goodbye like earlier today? Or would they continue to see each other throughout the rest of the voyage?
Isla's cries didn't give Nellie much time to think. She said goodbye, taking a moment longer to take him in before going up to her room. As she sat in bed nursing Isla while Leana continued to moan from her cot, Nellie couldn't help but feel heartsick. How she envied Jock's freedom! Here she had found a man, perhaps the first man in her entire life, that she had been drawn to. When she stared into Tommy's eyes at the end of dinner, it was clear he didn't want her to leave either. But as she gazed at the baby nuzzled to her breast, she tried to shake the memory away. Isla and Callen were her first responsibility. Maybe one day when her children were grown she would remarry. But until then, she would have to learn to be content in this stage of life.
