The Ghost of the Past
The Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix was quiet that night. After Sirius's death, the atmosphere was heavy, steeped in grief and frustration. Tonks's heart, already torn apart by the battle, felt as though it sank even deeper each time she entered the old Black mansion. The dark walls of Grimmauld Place served as a reminder of her failure, the death of her cousin, and the recent scars that had yet to heal.
However, Tonks was no longer the same since her departure from St. Mungo's. She had spent weeks in a coma. Now, while she had physically recovered, emotionally she was utterly shattered. Throughout that time, one face had lingered in her mind, accompanied by a gentle voice, sorrowful words, and stories she had never meant to hear: Remus Lupin.
She knew he had come every night, but on that particular evening, he had confessed something that changed everything. Now, back at the Headquarters after so many lonely nights, Tonks felt the weight of unspoken words between them. Yet, she was unsure if she was ready to confront Remus—not after what she had overheard.
That night, the Order had gathered to discuss upcoming missions. Everyone was aware that Tonks blamed herself for Sirius's death. She had nearly dealt with Bellatrix just before she murdered her cousin, and that guilt gnawed at her spirit. The conversation around the table grew tense when Sirius's name was mentioned. Tonks paled, biting her lip and averting her gaze.
Molly Weasley noticed her distress and attempted to comfort her.
"Tonks, dear, you did the best you could. It was not your fault."
Tonks shook her head, her eyes glistening with tears.
"I should have done more. I should have been faster…"
Before her words could crumble into a torrent of emotions, Remus, seated in a corner of the room, spoke calmly yet firmly.
"Tonks, we cannot blame ourselves for the actions of others. Sirius made his choice, just as you made yours. You did what you could, and that is more than many would manage."
Tears brimmed in Tonks's eyes at Remus's words. His calm and sensible tone swept through the room like a gentle breeze. A heavy silence fell, and Molly, Arthur, and the other members of the Order, recognising that Remus had managed to reach her, began to discreetly withdraw. They understood that this conversation needed to be private.
Once they were alone, the silence between them felt as thick as the shadows enveloping them. Tonks, feeling adrift, took a deep breath and poured out her heart, in tears, as she had never done before.
"Remus, I… I can't stop thinking. I was there, so close, fighting Bellatrix, and while I was trying to survive, she killed Sirius. He was my family, and I failed him."
Lupin looked at her, profound sadness etched in his expression. He knew all too well what it felt like to be unable to save someone.
"No one failed, Tonks. War… war takes everything it can from us without giving us time to think. You cannot carry that guilt; it is not yours to bear."
"But I should have been quicker!" she insisted, her voice breaking. "He died because of me!"
Remus slowly rose and moved closer.
"He did not die because of you. Sirius knew what he was getting into. He went to fight because it was part of who he was. Do not blame yourself for that." He placed a hand on her shoulder, imparting a calm that only he seemed able to evoke.
She wiped away a stubborn tear that had trickled down her cheek, looking at him with gratitude.
"Thank you, Remus. I don't know what I would do without you. I feel as if you are the only one who understands."
"We're all trying to make sense of it all, Tonks. None of us have the answers, but at least we have each other."
The silence that followed felt almost comforting. Tonks allowed herself to relax for a brief moment, until an unexpected question slipped from her lips.
"What was her name?"
Remus looked at her, puzzled.
"Her?"
Tonks bit her lower lip, uncertain whether to continue, but decided to go on.
"The vampire from your school days at Hogwarts."
Lupin's body stiffened instantly. A shiver ran down his spine at her words, and his heart began to race. She had heard. While she was unconscious.
"What are you talking about?" he ventured.
Tonks met his gaze with calm yet sorrowful determination.
"I heard what you said at St. Mungo's. I was unconscious, but I could hear you talking about a vampire, someone you knew. A girl I reminded you of."
Remus felt the ground slip from beneath him. He turned his back on her, trying to compose himself.
"You must have been dreaming," he said, only to feel the absurdity of his own words immediately after.
"No," Tonks replied firmly. "I heard, Remus. Why pretend now?"
He clenched his fists, struggling to maintain his composure.
"I would never share that kind of story with anyone," he replied, his voice trembling with a hint of exasperation. "It is not in me to divulge my private life."
Tonks smiled faintly.
"Private life? I only spoke of a vampire you met at Hogwarts. I said nothing about private life."
Remus fell silent for a long moment, wrestling with the emotions that assailed him. Finally, he murmured in a low voice, laden with pain,
"Mary. Her name was Mary. Mary Hallow."
Tonks tilted her head, repeating the name as if tasting a forbidden memory.
"Mary Hallow."
The name hung in the air, heavy with the weight of a memory. Lupin closed his eyes, feeling his heart constrict. He knew Tonks would want to know more, but he was not prepared to relive that past.
"Don't worry. I won't ask how your story unfolded," she began hesitantly. "But… what became of her? May I know what happened?"
Remus shook his head slowly.
"I'd rather not to talk about it."
Tonks saw the pain reflected in his body language and recoiled.
"I'm sorry," she murmured. "I realise now that it is a sensitive topic for you. I… I will go home."
As she turned to leave, Lupin, in a sudden impulse, spoke almost inaudibly.
"I killed her."
Tonks froze, shock coursing through her.
"What?"
Lupin finally turned to face her, his eyes glistening.
"I killed her, Tonks. On a full moon night. I couldn't save her."
Tonks stood still, unable to process the magnitude of his confession. Remus continued, his voice faltering.
"Do you understand now? I can't… I can't have anyone. I am a danger."
Tonks moved closer to him, trying to be as gentle as possible.
"Remus, it was not your fault. You couldn't control what you were, and now you have the potion."
He shook his head with a bitter sigh.
"The potion doesn't always work the same way. I cannot take the risk."
"Then don't be with me on the full moon. We can find a solution!" she insisted.
"No!" Lupin exclaimed, his voice suddenly rising. "Imagine what they would say about you, associated with a werewolf."
"I don't care!" Tonks cried, almost pleading.
"But I do," he replied, calmer but resolute. "You deserve someone far better."
Tonks felt her heart break a little more.
"But I want you, Remus…" she said, almost breathless.
Lupin looked away.
"I'm sorry, Tonks. Go home. Please."
She stood there, heart shattered.
"But…"
"Go," he repeated, his voice barely above a whisper. "I'm sorry."
Without another word, Tonks turned and left the Order Headquarters, pain flooding her chest.
Remus remained behind, alone in the dark room, feeling the weight of two tragedies pressing upon his soul. Once more, the past had triumphed.
