Chapter Seven: Reflections on The Past
In the first three years after Ben's death, Rey felt distant from him. Though she sensed his presence in the Force, they rarely communicated, and she mourned his loss deeply. Rose eventually encouraged Rey to open herself up to others, but Rey struggled with the idea of finding someone else. She longed for connection, even considered casual relationships, but doubted she could truly love anyone again.
Then Rey met Tarin, a Gray Jedi. He was slightly older, with dark brown hair, rugged features, and a muscular build—attractive but different from Ben. Their meeting took place on Jedha, a planet known for its ancient Force temples and spiritual ties to both light and dark. Rey, still uncertain about fully embracing the Gray Jedi philosophy, found herself curious about their balance, reflecting on Ben's words as Kylo Ren about leading without the Jedi or Sith. She longed to bring hope and mercy to the galaxy, understanding that relationships, emotions, and personal connections were vital in shaping individuals.
Through her time with Ben and Luke, Rey realized that the Jedi Code was too restrictive. Love, anger, and fear are essential parts of being human. The loss of Ben, her dyad, left a permanent scar on her, haunting her thoughts and making it difficult to imagine moving forward. She knew that if Ben had survived, their relationship would have continued to challenge the boundaries of neutrality in the Force.
The twin suns were low in the sky as Rey's ship touched down on Jedha. The planet's landscape was a haunting blend of sand dunes, jagged cliffs, and ancient ruins—remnants of the once-great temples that had been destroyed in wars long ago. The air was dry, the wind carrying with it grains of sand and dust that scratched against her skin as she stepped out of the ship. Despite the desolation, Rey could feel the deep pull of the Force here, as if it were woven into the very fabric of the planet.
Jedha had always been a place of pilgrimage for those seeking balance in the Force. Its ancient Force temples stood as silent sentinels, their weathered stone etched with history, calling to those willing to listen. One particular temple stood out on the horizon, a massive structure partially buried beneath the sand, its towering spires crumbling but still standing defiantly. Rey had come here seeking answers—not just about the Force, but about herself.
As she explored the temple grounds, Rey felt a presence approaching. She turned to find a man watching her from a distance, his robes worn but his posture confident. He was tall, though not as tall as Ben, with dark brown hair that fell just above his shoulders. His skin was sun-kissed, his features rugged, and he had a certain intensity in his eyes. As he walked closer, Rey could sense a balance within him—neither fully light nor dark.
"Tarin," he introduced himself, bowing slightly. "You're Rey, aren't you?"Rey nodded, studying him.
"How do you know that?"
"Word of your deeds has spread far. And besides," he added, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips, "the Force told me you were coming."
Tarin was a Gray Jedi—someone who walked the line between light and dark, a path that fascinated and unnerved Rey. Over the next few days, he began to teach her the ways of the Gray Jedi, explaining their philosophy. "The Jedi are too rigid," he told her as they stood in the shadow of the ancient temple. "They reject emotions, believing they lead to darkness. But that's only part of the truth. Emotions are what make us human, Rey. Love, anger, fear—they're all part of the balance. To deny them is to deny who we are."
Rey listened intently, torn between what she had been taught by Luke and the seductive appeal of Tarin's words. She had always struggled with the Jedi Code's strictness, and Tarin's approach felt more natural, more forgiving.
"The Sith embrace passion, but they let it consume them. The Jedi suppress it, and in doing so, they lose a part of themselves. But we," Tarin said, his dark eyes locking with hers, "we find the middle path. We accept our emotions, but we don't let them control us. That's the true balance."
As Rey spent more time with Tarin, she found herself drawn to him—not just because of his teachings but because of his presence. He was different from anyone she had ever known. There was a strength in him, but also a vulnerability. He admired her, too. Rey could see it in the way his gaze lingered on her as she trained, in the softness in his voice when he spoke to her. She knew he found her beautiful, but it was more than that. He was captivated by her wit, her compassion, her strength.
One evening, after a long day of training, they sat around a fire outside her small hut. The night was cool, and the stars above seemed brighter on Jedha than on any other planet Rey had visited. Tarin had found a bottle of something strong, and though Rey had only taken a few sips, she could feel the warmth spreading through her. Tarin, however, had indulged a bit more.
"You know," he said, his voice low and thoughtful, "love and intimacy... they're not things to be feared, Rey. They're important. They're what connect us, what keep us human. The Jedi—well, they miss the point. We're not meant to live without that kind of connection."
Rey looked at him, her heart beating faster. She knew what he was trying to say, but she wasn't ready to hear it. Still, there was something in his words that resonated with her, something she had tried to bury deep inside. Before she could stop herself, Tarin leaned in, his lips brushing against hers in a soft, tentative kiss.
For a moment, Rey didn't pull away. The kiss was warm, tender, and it stirred something inside her that she hadn't felt in a long time. But as quickly as the moment came, it passed, and Rey broke away, her chest tight with conflicting emotions.
She stood up abruptly, the firelight casting flickering shadows across her face. Tarin watched her, confusion and concern in his eyes. "Rey... what is it?"
"I—I can't," she stammered, feeling frustration build up inside her. She didn't explain further, couldn't explain it, because the truth was too painful to voice. Without another word, she turned and made her way back to the small hut where she had been staying.
Once inside, Rey collapsed onto the bed, her mind racing. The kiss had awakened something in her, a need, a longing that she had been trying to ignore. But it wasn't Tarin she craved—it was Ben. It had always been Ben. No matter how much time passed, no matter how many others might come into her life, Ben Solo was the only one she had ever truly loved.
Her body ached with desire, her thoughts consumed by the memory of Ben—his touch, his voice, the way they had been connected through the Force in ways she had never been with anyone else. She closed her eyes, her hand moving over her body, she started to playing with herself trying to find release from the tension building inside her. As she rubbed herself in strong circular motions her mind focused on ben his face, his strong body and their one and only kiss had been a moment of overwhelming emotion, stirring within her feelings of joy, love, redemption, forgiveness, and a deep yearning. Though it was brief, it left an indelible mark on her heart, and she held onto it with tenderness. But she tried not to dwell on it, knowing that if she did, she'd likely have sought out someone else's affection to ease the emptiness it left behind. As she moved closer into her hand her breath quickened and her heart beating fast she finally finished, but as it came, she moaned Ben's name softly, the longing in her heart undeniable. Why would the Force have connected them so deeply, only to leave her without him? Even as she searched for comfort, she couldn't shake the guilt, feeling conflicted. How could she allow herself to feel anything for someone else when her heart still belonged to Ben?
Tears welled in her eyes as she whispered his name into the darkness, her heart breaking all over again.
The next day, the twin suns of Jedha set low on the horizon as Rey sat on the edge of a worn stone ledge outside the small hut she'd claimed for the week. The day had been long, filled with training, introspection, and—most unexpectedly—a kiss that left her conflicted, torn between the past and the present.
She pulled her knees to her chest, her mind replaying the moment over and over again, each time feeling like it could never be fully understood. She couldn't shake it, couldn't ignore it. Tarin's kiss had awakened something deep within her—a need she hadn't realized was still there. But as much as she wanted to embrace it, the memory of Ben's touch, of their connection through the Force, haunted her.
Rey had reached out to Rose the night before, explaining that she was on Jedha and in need of guidance. Though she and Rose weren't exceptionally close, Rey often confided in her about matters of love, desire, and her longing for a family.
The memory surfaced now, a quiet flashback to a time just a couple of months after Ben's death. Rey had rejected Finn's advances, and it had been a difficult moment for both of them. Finn, with his hopeful eyes, had leaned in, and she had firmly placed her hand on his chest, her voice steady but resolute. "Finn, I love you, but not like that."
She recalled the disappointment that had flashed across his face, the brief silence that followed. He had kissed her cheek softly before pulling away, his features clouded with sadness. Rey remembered how he had apologized, though his words were laced with regret, before he shifted his focus to Rose, his attention gradually moving toward the relationship that had begun to blossom between them.
In the end, Finn seemed to understand, coming to terms with what could have been and what wasn't meant to be. Rey had needed that space, needed to grieve and heal, and Finn—realizing it was too soon for them—had turned his attention to what had always felt like a connection waiting to bloom.
Rey now waited for Rose in her humble hut on Jedha, the cool stone walls offering a sense of solitude, but also a growing anticipation."Rey?" Rose's voice broke through the silence, soft but firm. Rey looked up to see her friend standing in the doorway, the glow of the setting suns casting a warm halo around her figure. "You look like you could use some company."
Rey smiled weakly. "I don't know what to make of everything, Rose." She shifted uncomfortably, the weight of her feelings pressing down on her chest. "Tarin... he kissed me. And I... I kissed him back. But it feels wrong."
Rose stepped closer, her eyes filled with understanding. "You don't have to feel guilty, Rey. Ben would want you to be happy, to find peace. He wouldn't want you to carry all of this alone, especially when he can't be here."
"I don't know, Rose," Rey murmured, her voice barely above a whisper. "Without Ben, I don't feel like myself. I feel... colder. Like something's missing, something important. Even when I try to move on, to find comfort in someone else, it doesn't fill the hole he left. It just makes me feel like I'm pretending to be someone I'm not."
Rose's gaze softened, and she sat down beside Rey. "I get it. But you are strong, Rey. You've been through so much already. Ben would want you to live, to feel, to be whole again. And if that means exploring new connections, then that's okay. Maybe... maybe you should meditate. Really focus, connect with the Force, and see if you can reach him. Sometimes, the people we love are still out there, in ways we don't understand yet."
"I haven't been able to connect with Ben for a while," Rey said quietly, her voice tinged with sadness. She had tried every day for nearly a week before coming to Jedha, hoping to hear his thoughts on her training and her exploration of the Gray Jedi teachings. But no matter how hard she tried, he never came through, and it left her feeling not only a deep longing for him, but also a sorrow that, in the last three years, their connections had been rare—only a couple of times a year. Her dreams of him, of their shared past, were more frequent, but it wasn't the same. Rey turned her gaze to the horizon, where the setting sun cast long, stretching shadows. "Do you think I can still reach him? Even after all this time?" she asked softly, uncertainty in her voice.
Rose smiled, a gentle but firm expression on her face. "I do. You have a bond with him that transcends time and space. Trust that it can still lead you to him."
Later that night, Rey meditated in the quiet of her hut. She focused deeply, her breathing slow and rhythmic, her mind turning inward. She called out to Ben in the Force, her heart open, her soul yearning for the connection they once shared. It was difficult at first, the silence pressing down on her, but then—a ripple, faint at first, like a breath of wind across a still lake. She felt him. Not just his presence, but his essence, his warmth.
Rey gasped, her chest tightening as she felt the full weight of his spirit, his love, his loss. And in that moment, she was no longer alone.
She stood, trembling, and with no more hesitation, she reached out through the Force, pulling herself closer to him. In an instant, she felt his arms around her, his lips meeting hers in a kiss that was soft at first, but then deepened with the intensity of a thousand unsaid words but it wasn't the same as when he was physically here as a force ghost bens touch was faint at best or not felt at all it was just energy. The tears came, unbidden, as she felt his presence fill the empty space within her.
"I want you here," Rey whispered, her voice cracked with emotion. "I need you."
Ben's presence held her tightly. "I'm with you, Rey. Always. I never left you."
"No," Rey said softly, her voice tinged with sadness. "You did, Ben. My heart feels broken, and I'm constantly lost. I... I want to feel you," she stammered, her face flushed with embarrassment. She hesitated, biting her tongue before continuing, "All I think about is you, especially at night. It stopped for a while, but... someone kissed me recently, and I'm sorry, Ben. I still want only you. I could never stop loving you."
"You don't have to stop loving me, Rey," Ben's voice was soft, almost tender. "But you can still try to find someone else to connect with. I want you to have everything you desire. I can't be with you physically, at least not yet."
"Not yet?" Rey repeated, her voice tinged with sadness. She felt he meant something more, but she didn't press him, knowing their time together would be short.
"Ben, even if you asked me, I know deep down that you and I need each other more than anything—more than life itself." She leaned up and kissed him again, her lips lingering against his. "Please think of me as often as I think of you. It would break my heart if I were the only one holding on so desperately."
Ben gently touched Rey's sides, his lips grazing her cheeks, her neck, her collarbone, and chest in a series of tender, lingering kisses. "If I could give you what we both want, Rey, I wouldn't hesitate. I want to feel you too, and I want to be the first person to share that intimacy with you. But Rey, you need to accept that I'm no longer in the physical realm. And if you need my permission—though you don't, Rey—I'm giving it to you, because I love you, no matter what you choose. One day, the Force will bring us back together. I know that much."
Ben leaned in, kissing Rey more passionately this time, before their connection finally faded. Rey sat in her hut, alone and more confused than ever. I wish you could give me more, she thought, but I will always have you, and I will always be yours, Ben.
The next few days were filled with intense training as Rey and Tarin honed their skills with their lightsabers. They practiced relentlessly, Tarin's green blade flashing in the light, Rey's yellow one humming with power. Their movements were fluid, synchronized—a dance of discipline and raw energy.
Tarin was an experienced fighter. Rey held her ground against him, blocking his strikes with precision and responding with swift counterattacks. The tension between them, however, was more than just the heat of battle. Rey could feel Tarin's eyes on her, his admiration palpable.
It was during a particularly intense sparring session when Rey made a misstep, her foot catching on a pile of loose stones. Before she could fall, Tarin lunged forward, catching her in his strong arms.
Her breath caught as her body pressed against his, and for a moment, she froze. His bare chest was warm against hers, his tan, muscular form rippling with strength. His features were rugged, yet there was an ease in his touch, an undeniable pull that made her heart race. It was not Ben. Not exactly. But it stirred something in her nonetheless.
Tarin pulled back slightly, his eyes meeting hers with a knowing gaze. "Careful," he said softly, his lips curling into a half-smile. "I wouldn't want to catch you again like that."
Rey couldn't help but laugh, but the fluttering in her chest remained. She stepped back, adjusting her stance, but her eyes lingered on him, on the way the light danced across his skin, on the rawness of his presence. The attraction was undeniable, but she pushed it aside.
Despite herself, Rey felt drawn to him. Later that evening, as they continued training under the pale light of the twin moons, she found herself not just respecting him as a fighter, but something more—something unexpected. And when their blades clashed again, there was a spark between them, both physical and emotional.
In a moment of weakness, her thoughts still clouded by the lingering connection to Ben, Rey kissed Tarin. The kiss was desperate, impulsive—a search for something to fill the void that Ben had left behind. As she pulled away, her heart was heavy with conflicting emotions, and she immediately regretted it.
She stepped back, her breath shallow, her mind racing. Tarin said nothing but watched her, his eyes filled with something deeper than just the thrill of combat.
Rey didn't know what she wanted, but she knew that part of her was still holding onto Ben, still feeling his presence, still aching for a connection that couldn't be replaced.
Tarin didn't seem fazed by the kiss; he understood that it was best not to push Rey. He shared everything he knew about the Gray Jedi with her, and they formed a deep emotional connection. Tarin opened up about his brother and sister, who had died during their missions with the Jedi Order. He expressed how their deaths felt like a waste—not out of bitterness, but because he believed the Jedi had led his young siblings to sacrifice themselves for a cause they didn't fully comprehend. They were only eighteen when they passed, just having completed their Padawan training. He spoke of the strong bond he had with his older brother and how he still sought guidance from him through the Force. Though he wasn't resentful toward the Jedi, he felt disappointed, which eventually led him to choose the Gray path after his loss.
"I have no other family," Tarin said sadly.
"Neither do I," Rey replied, then quickly regretted her words.
As her relationship with Tarin developed, they became more than friends over the course of a year. Even though Rey hesitated to acknowledge it, they spent their days training, learning through reading, meditating, and acting as mediators for the people of Jedha. Rey found herself increasingly drawn to Tarin; she admired his kind heart and strength, especially his ability to maintain control over his emotions—a struggle she often faced herself.
On the night of their one-year anniversary, Tarin and Rey enjoyed a beautiful picnic in a field known for its stargazers. Tarin brought along some alcohol, and Rey willingly gave in to the temptation, hoping to block out her thoughts. "I want him to touch me," she thought, wrestling with her feelings. Throughout the year, Rey and Tarin had held hands, hugged, kissed, and explored each other's bodies, but they had never gone further than that, and Rey was content with the boundaries they had set. But that night as they drank Tarin could tell Reyy was fairly relax and he took his moments kissing her under the stars and gently removing her shirt and placing his hand under her pants in-between her legs. He traced his fingers along her chest, gradually moving his hands lower, feeling the heat of the moment enveloping them both.
Tarin's hand lingered between Rey's legs, gently exploring her. As he touched and caressed her, Rey kissed him softly, offering no protest. Her body responded, growing warm with desire, and he sensed her arousal, feeling a surge of happiness at how relaxed and willing she was. He kissed her back with tenderness, savoring the connection between them.
As he continued to rub her she became more wet and moaned softly. Tarin gently inserted one finger inside her and then two. Rey closed her eyes, trying to focus on the sensations, but a doubt lingered in her mind. I want this, right? She tried to reassure herself, but it didn't feel right. As Tarin continued, she eventually reached her peak, and the alcohol dulled any sense of shame.
"Do you ever want more, Rey?" Tarin asked gently. "Could you ever want more from me than just this? If it's because you want to wait until marriage, that's fine. We can get married."
Rey froze, her breath catching. She looked away from him, still panting. Did he think she hadn't wanted to sleep with him because she was waiting for marriage? She didn't want to hurt him, but the alcohol made her blunt.
"I think marriage is important," she said slowly. "And yes, I want that to be intimate, but it's not just that, Tarin. I could never love you the way you want me to. I told you I lost someone special to me. He was like my partner. I wanted him... and I still do. He's the only one I want to be with."
Rey couldn't believe the words that were coming out of her mouth. She felt guilty for hurting someone she cared about, but perhaps it was time for Tarin to understand that she loved him, but more like a friend—strongly attracted, but not the way he wanted.
"But I'm your boyfriend," Tarin said, his voice thick with hurt. "I love you, Rey. So much. Why do you think we've engaged so intimately all this time? Was it just because you thought I wanted something casual? Or were you using me? Don't tell me it's about Ben."
Rey had never seen Tarin so rattled. His usually composed demeanor was shattered. His brown eyes darkened, and his voice lowered, laced with frustration. "Why aren't I enough for you? Ben's not even alive."
Rey pushed him away, her voice sharp. "You don't get to speak about him," she snarled, her emotions raw.
"When will you move on, Rey?" Tarin pleaded. "I love you. I'll give you everything—provide for you, give you a home, intimacy, even a child, if you want it. I'll be so good to you."
Tears welled in Rey's eyes. "I wish I could give you that, Tarin. I've loved our time together, but this... this will never work. I'm sorry. Ben is all I want, and it's not fair to stay."
Tarin's heart broke, and for a moment, he wanted to scream, to keep fighting. But when he saw the sadness in her eyes, he knew he couldn't. Despite everything, he genuinely loved her.
"I'll always care for you, Rey," he said quietly. "If I don't find someone and you change your mind, please come back to me. I'll give you everything I have, and I won't expect anything in return."
Rey kissed his cheek softly before leaving. "You're a sweet man and a good friend. Find someone who deserves you," she said, her voice breaking as she said goodbye for the last time.
She ran back to her hut, packed her things, and fell asleep. The next day, she left, knowing that the next five years of her life would be without the intimacy she craved. She was caught between the past and the future, between love and longing, between Tarin and Ben.
As time passed, she didn't find anyone else she was serious about. Now older and more in control of her emotions, she still felt the loneliness of that connection. She was proud of starting her Jedi Order with Finn and grateful for Tarin's knowledge of the Gray Jedi, but deep down, all she wanted was Ben—and that's all she would ever want or need.
