03: A New Status Quo Is Established, But Still Everybody Hates Hikigaya Hachiman.
It took two weeks to set up this meeting. But she was proud of her abilities to gather this small crowd of individuals in this room of dire requirements. It helped that others were on board with her plan and helped in their own capacity. Yuigahama-san, Miura-san, Ebina-san, Shiromeguri-senpai, Kawasaki-san and Hiratsuka-sensei spread the word and gathered the lost lambs to be brought in, one by one.
It didn't take them long to know the weirdness of the situation.
"Ryuuji, hey!" Raku Ichijo[1] greeted. He motioned to the dangerous women who seemed to command the room and their attention. He thought he was being subtle. "Do you know what this is about? Yukinoshita-san kinda scares me."
"Which one?" Ryuuji Takasu[2] asked with a nervous laugh. He might have sanpaku eyes, but the person he was talking to was an actually member of the yakuza. In fact, he was the Second Master. Bocchan, he was called. But because he didn't look all that scary and because they had to take care of the cooking needs of the household, the two of them had bonded over recipes and women with short tempers – palmtop tigers and gorilla women. "Yukinoshita-senpai or Yukinoshita-san."
"What do you mean? There's only -"
"This is interesting." Takumi Usui[3] said. The three of them looked at the front and noticed a beautiful woman approach her little sister. She had a smile on her face, but it was fake as hell.
"Interesting indeed, hmm, hmm." Tamaki Suoh[4] tried to see what was interesting. It was not like he was trying to copy the cooler blonde who could make the phrase, 'I'm just a stalker' sound like a cool pick up line. There was much to be learned from him. "What do you think this is about? Also on that note, do you want to join my crew?"
"You mean club, right?" Takumi Usui had this conversation a number of times with the goofy but good-natured, and mostly harmless blonde. Like a number of times, he tried to pawn off someone who seemed like a more suitable option. "Why don't you ask Ichijo-kun? You know he is popular with the ladies."
"Wow, you really think so." Raku rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment. But the only one I want to be popular with is Onodera, he thought to himself. "Thanks that really helps with my self-esteem."
"He was being sarcastic." Keima Katsuragi[5] said, tapping his fingers away at a god-like speed, moving through several events and raising several flags, showcasing his high level skill while conquering every girl in the latest dating sim. His eyes didn't leave the screen as he answered. "You should really learn to know the difference."
"Oops." Takumi Usui said. "Guess you caught me". He didn't sound apologetic.
So cool, Tamaki Suoh and Raku Ichijou thought. Ryuuji thought about the mold cultures forming in the corners of his shared living quarters. Keima Katsuragi thought, well, his mind was too fast for his thoughts to be put into known literature.
But all their thoughts were dismissed as a new voice reached their ears.
"Welcome." Yukino Yukinoshita said from the raised platform, a simple stool to make her appear more visible to all those who have gathered and a mike borrowed from the music club, no doubt, to let her voice reach the far corners, over the hubbub of unwarranted backtalk and murmurs. Her voice was clear, crisp and most importantly cold. "I have gathered all of you here to discuss the minutia of your hubris which had led to the downfall of your respective romantic -"
"Woah! This is a cool knife." Soma Yukihira[6] said, holding up an interesting looking blade. "You know I was in the market for – hey!"
"Kanshou and Bakuya are not meant for cooking purposes, Yukihara-san." Shirou Emiya[7] said firmly.
"But, I want to cook something with a bear and alligator!"
"You mean, like as in their meat right? That sounds like a bad idea, Soma-san." Yuigahama Yui didn't realise the silence from her fellow friends was because she didn't grasp the irony of her situation. "Maybe, we can get back to what Yukinon was trying to say?"
"Thank you, Yuigahama-san." Yukino cleared her throat. "As I was saying, the vestibule of -"
"Yukinon, in simple language. Please." Yuigahama stressed.
"What do you mean? I am being simple. And these people all attend Tokyo U. They should know the finer aspects of our language. Also this is a delicate matter, so I think-"
"Oh, shut the hell up!" Saki Kawasaki had lost her patience. She didn't talk to the women who had hatched this pain in the ass plan and instead focused her glare on all the guilty parties involved – the stupid men before them. "You lot need to up your game or Hikigaya…"
But Kawasaki didn't need to complete her sentence because as she trailed off the mood in the entire room shifted and it shifted for the worse. Some became downright depressing, some became a little angsty and some still remained dumb in the face of danger. Well, at least Keima Katsuragi stopped playing his damn game – oh wait, he started back again. Kawasaki hated that guy.
"I say we kick his ass!" An orange haired man said, breaking a perfectly good table with his bare fists. "Take him out, permanently."
"Is that Ichigo Kurosaki?" Saki Kawasaki asked.
"No dammit! I'm Kyo Sohma[8]. Kyo Sohma!"
"…Thank God, she didn't call me, Ichijou Kurosaki. That women has a problem remembering names." Raku Ichijou whispered.
"Sure." Ryuuji Takasu said.
"Ah, you are the guy who tried to dislocate a girl's shoulder when she tried to pat you on the back." It was Kaori Orimoto. "The look on both your face that time was hilarious!"
"You hurt, Chidori." Sousuke Sagara[9] cocked a pistol. It didn't have rubber bullets. "Prepare to die."
"No, that was me." Yuuji Kazami[10] didn't feel the need to bare his weapons. His eyes and words were enough to let others know he was a threat. "She came at me with a giant paper fan. I thought it was a box cutter. An easy mistake to make." Two soldiers faced off and the mood once again shifted.
"You know, I can kill you two with a thumb." Shizuka Hiratsuka-sensei said, cracking her knuckles. "And no, that was not an euphemism."
"You see this is what happens." Haruno said. "These guys are hopeless. They are too busy wrapped up in their own testosterone filled world of one-upping each other that they don't have time in their lives to look out for their romantic interest. That's why the women are looking elsewhere."
"…" Houtarou Oreki[11] left.
"This doesn't concern me." Kyon[12] said the words which Oreki wasn't bothered to say. "If Hikigaya thinks he can deal with Haruhi -"
"Bite your tongue!" Tamaki Suoh said. "My precious little Haruhi[13] isn't some poor peasant to be dealt with, even though she is kinda poor." Then he was lost in a tangent. "This Hikigaya is getting rather close to her these days like a, like a -"
"Abomination!" Miyuki Shirogane[14] said.
Kyon gave the two blondes a look, then muttered "Whatever" and left. Tokyo U had too many people with too many similar sounding names. Haruhi Fujioka, Haruhi Suzumiya, and don't even let him start on the number of Sakuras and Yuis, it was a nightmare.
Miyuki Shirogane continued. "Hachiman Hikigaya, he has no shame. I thought he was a kindred spirit, a bit misunderstood like Ishigami, but he betrayed my trust." He met the eyes of everyone and almost broke down. "In one fell swoop, he came in and played with the hearts of three women – Kaguya Shinomiya, Chika Fujiwara, Ai Hayasaki and my little sister, Kei Shirogane."
"That's four women, not three." Koyomi Araragi[15] said.
"And now he is making me lose my edge in basic mathematics!" Miyuki Shirogane had dark circles under his eyes and that didn't make his plight any more pathetic. "I can't even count like a five year old no more."
"Such Misfortune." Kamijou Touma[16] said. "By the way, just curious, but how did, Hikigaya manage that?"
"He asked them, individually," Miyuki Shirogane steeled himself and relived the horror. "How they were doing?"
"You mean, 'How you doin'?'" It was Tobe. Who the hell invited him?
"No. Thankfully, he didn't butcher the grammar. Otherwise, I would have lost it."
"That was not -"
"I think we are getting off-topic." Meguri Shiromeguri took the stage. "We were discussing how the men, you men," she smiled and gestured to the assembled audience in particular. "have dropped the ball. And now, other women are trying to –"
"Score with him." Minami Sagami made a face. "God, I can't believe I said, that."
"And I can't believe you got into Tokyo U." Miura grumbled.
"Me too bitch. I mean, I can't believe how you got into Tokyo U."
"Why you -"
"Now, now let's not fight amidst ourselves." Who the hell invited Hayama Hayato? That makes all the relevant and noteworthy people from Soubu High had somehow got themselves enrolled into Tokyo U. And then there were these guys, students, who were not your average students. Yukino had a lot more questions, but for now she thought about listening to the blonde make a point.
"I am okay with using violence." Hayama said with a smile. "Who's with me?"
That found a round of applause as the women stewed in their collective misery. Perhaps it was a bad idea to have all these dumb, stupid men gather in a room to come out with a healthy and peaceful solution for their respective problems, dealing with their non-existing love life courtesy of the hamartia and hubris of their own character.
"Why don't we let one of the girls finish him off!" Tomoya Aki[17] said. He had been thinking about a new game that would get the approval of Keima Katsuragi, The God of Conquest. "I mean, Tokyo U isn't lacking in tsunderes or yanderes."
"No can do, Tomoya-san." Iroha Isshiki had slipped in, unnoticed into the room. In fact, she had been the one to invite the other Soubu women, whom Yukino-senpai had forgot to mention about this little gathering. It was all done for protection. After all there was strength in numbers. Also, she had something very important to contribute to this meeting. "I secretly – I mean, accidentally videotaped, senpai," everyone knew, who she meant when she used the word 'senpai', so no one asked her to explain. "when he was in the middle of a small, um, shall he say misunderstanding. Here, let's watch!"
Iroha Isshiki adjusted the laptop screen a little and hit play. The video was good quality. It almost looked like she had planted cameras there, in this particular corridor beforehand. Everyone knew the Soubu women were kinda scary and this latest addition to their ranks was no way different.
The video played and two people showed up on screen.
"Wait, that's Senjougahara[18]!" Koyomi Araragi said. "When did this happen?"
The others shushed him and they watched the inevitable, for the final moment, the thing they knew that would happen. Except it didn't happen like they expected. Hachiman Hikigaya didn't find himself with a mouth full of stapler. Instead…
"Bend over." The voice was dark and the men were too focused on the screen to notice the expression on the women's faces. Or watch them fidget or squirm. All the men's attention was focused on the screen and the camera angle was really perfect. Kudos to Isshiki, some thought. "Spread your legs!"
"Wait, turn that off!" Koyomi Araragi had come to his senses. "I don't want to see what happens next – wait, what happens next? Why did the screen go black?" He went up and almost tried to hit the screen as if it was an old TV. Thankfully, the rest of the women stopped him before he could get forward. Kawasaki-san introduced her foot to his face and he thankfully, kept his mouth shut about the colour of her panties.
"And they say, women are tsunderes." Isshiki muttered under her breath. Then she addressed the others. Her time as student council president really helped with her oratory skill while addressing the crowd. "The video ends here, because senpai discovered the hidden camera. But don't worry, Araragi-senpai. They didn't have sex in the university hallway. Senjougahara-senpai, remains untouched."
"What do you mean, untouched?" Araragi said losing his temper. "He was clearly touching her, there and there and -"
"Woah, that was really something." Yato[19] said, to the rest of the people gathered. But he wasn't bothered about it, all that much. He worked the business angle as the God who would deliver them after seeing such a sinful act. "Holy water anyone? Gentlemen? Ladies?" He waggled his eyebrows. "It will cost only five yen!"
"Yato-san, I think you are not understanding the gravity of this situation." Yukino said. "Hiyori Iki[20] might not be as aggressive as Senjougahara Hitagi, but she does have a penchant for resorting to violence with the odd wrestling move."
Blue eyes darkened, cat like eyes which she would have once found endearing found a new sharp edge to them. The mood in the room took a turn for worse. When he spoke next, it was the God of Calamity addressing them. "I will kill him."
Yuigahama tried to take control of the situation with a soothing wave of her hand. "Or you could just, you know, spend more time with Hiyori. That works too."
"…"
"…Did that deadbeat just teleport?" Kamijou Touma said.
"I think we are getting off topic." Yukino copied Meguri-senpai. "What that video showed is something we have discovered lately. It seems that, Hikigaya-kun reacts poorly to violent outbursts – both from men and women. It's um, how shall I put it -"
"Ah, let me be the one to explain this, Yukinoshita-san." Hina Ebina had a very large smile on her face as she greeted the boys. They were terrified of her. She was a BL lover and otaku and had unashamedly tried to ship, Takumi Usui, Tamaki Suoh, Hayama Hayato, Miyuki Shirogane, together as a – wait a minute she was a part of the problem. "It seems that Hikitani-kun has developed a safety mechanism of sorts to deal with the typical tsundere outbursts. For example, as you saw in the video, when Senjougahara-san attacked him, unprovoked, he turned the tables on her. I think it's like a switch is flipped in his brain and he becomes this aggressive alpha male who knows how to !xxxx! and pulling !xxxxx! and face !xxxxx! in the !xxxxx!"
"Arima-kun, that piano needs tuning." Tamaki Suoh said.
Usui nodded. "Also, can you please stop trying to drown out her voice. It's not working. In fact, it's making it worse."
Kousei Arima[21] didn't listen to them and continued banging the keys to the piano to make himself less miserable. Banging, ah, poor choice of words.
Hina Ebina continued, unperturbed. "This really switches the trope of why the tsundere girl likes to abuse the male love interest – oh sorry Arima-kun. By the way congrats! I heard, Kaori made it!"
"Wait what?" Kaori Orimoto looked at Kousei Arima. At first she thought he was that Tomoya Aki, but no, that guy was taking notes about everything that Hina Ebina was saying and muttering something about changing the whole dynamic of the dating sim experience, by introducing a new character trait. He was pretty much a weeb. But Kousei Arima was kinda cool, with the piano. Still, he was a bit strange. "How does he know me? I mean, I don't know him."
"Neither does, Kaori Miyazono[22], these days." Minami Sagami said. "Last I saw her, she was spending a lot of time with Hikigaya. Oh by the way, she too likes to hit on guys -" then she made a face. "I mean, the way, Senjougahara Hitagi hits on guys."
"Oh." Orimoto said.
More piano banging continued.
Hina Ebina also continued, despite most of the men leaving the room out of awkwardness, which they tried to tell themselves was nowhere because of being left red-faced by a video and a loner who had discovered the secret to dealing with a tsundere. "He also doesn't spare lolis!"
Unbeknownst to them, the secret was there all along, right in the open. The guy had to experience a psychotic break and just give up on the remnants of his sanity for a short period of time. In legal terms this would be called temporary insanity.
"Ahem, I think, the better term would be women who are vertically challenged. Or short to put it bluntly." Kazuya Kujo[23] said. "And, I can say from experience as his roommate, that Hikigaya doesn't treat women, discourteously. I mean, Victorique[24] never complains. And neither does, Taiga[25], isn't that right Ryuuji?"
"Yeah." Ryuuji replied, thinking about the time he cooked a meal – wait a minute.
And perhaps, that was his secret.
Hachiman Hikigaya was insane, because he thought he could be the better romantic interest -no, a harem manga protagonist.
"Show's what they know." Hachiman Hikigaya said, removing his disguise. He had gone into the not so secretive meeting dressed as a man no one would suspect. After all, who would suspect an officer of the law.
"Takumi Hijirihara[26], I'm here to ask you some questions about a murder."
It was Motoko Kusanagi[27].
Oh shit.
But.
Maybe.
"Um, actually my name is Takumi Usui." Hachiman disguised as a suspected serial killer said. He pointed to the door he had left a few moments ago. "The person you are looking for is actually a blonde. He also answers when called a perverted alien. So, good luck now, officer. I have done my civic duty and-"
A hand trapped his shoulder.
Motoko Kusanagi smiled. "Nice try."
"…Okay, seriously, no kidding, my name is Hachiman Hikigaya."
It didn't help. God, he hated the Romcom Gods who had turned his campus life into something straight out of a shitty light novel where he was this close, this close into turning into a really crappy harem manga protagonist.
"Here, try on this handcuffs."
Wait, what?
References:
[1] Raku Ichijo - Main Protagonist of 'Nisekoi'
[2] Ryuuji Takasu - Main Protagonist of 'Toradora'
[3] Takumi Usui - Main Protagonist of 'Maid-Sama'
[4] Tamaki Suoh - Main Protagonist of 'Ouran High School Host Club'
[5] Keima Katsuragi - Main Protagonist of 'The World God Only Knows'
[6] Soma Yukihira - Main Protagonist of 'Food Wars!'
[7] Shirou Emiya - Main Protagonist of 'Fate Stay Night: Unlimited Blade Works'
[8] Kyo Sohma - Main Protagonist of 'Fruits Basket'
[9] Sousuke Sagara - Main Protagonist of 'Full Metal Panic'
[10] Yuuji Kazami - Main Protagonist of 'The Fruit of Grisaia'
[11] Houtarou Oreki - Main Protagonist of 'Hyouka'
[12] Kyon - Main Protagonist of 'Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya'
[13] Little Haruhi - AKA - Haruhi Fujioka - Main Protagonist of 'Ouran High School Host Club'
[14] Miyuki Shirogane - Main Protagonist of 'Kaguya Sama - Love is War'
[15] Koyomi Araragi - Main Protagonist of 'Bakemonogatari'
[16] Kamijou Touma - Main Protagonist of 'A Certain Magical Index'
[17] Tomoya Aki - Main Protagonist of 'How To Raise A Boring Girlfriend'
[18] Hitagi Senjougahara - Main Character of 'Bakemonogatari'
[19] Yato - Main Protagonist of 'Noragami'
[20] Hiyori Iki - Main Character of 'Noragami'
[21] Kousei Arima - Main Protagonist of 'Your Lie in April'
[22] Kaori Miyazono - Main Character of 'Your Lie in April'
[23] Kazuya Kujo - Main Protagonist of 'Gosick'
[24] Victorique - Main Protagonist of 'Gosick'
[25] Taiga Aisaka - Main Protagonist of 'Toradora'
[26] Takumi Hijirihara - Main Protagonist of the manga 'Killer Killer'
[27] Motoko Kusanagi - Main Protagonist of 'Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex'
Author's Note: Wow, that was a boat load of characters. Some would argue way too many, but I think not. Don't worry though, in the future things won't be as hectic. I think the tone of the chapter was a bit like one of the Marvel/DC skits by 'Itsjustsomerandomguy' on Youtube. If you haven't checked it yet, please check him out. Those skits are hilarious.
Also, did Hikigaya pretend to be Takumi Hijirihara so that he can mix in with the crowd? Yes. Yes, he did. He did some Mission Impossible level mask thing, but let's not get into that. No place for logic and reason in this chapter. Besides, this chapter wasn't about him. It was about the OreGairu girls and the rest of the anime boys. But mostly the anime guys. I just loved their interactions. Hey, maybe I'm the only one. I'm hoping I'm not.
The next chapter will be the final one for now - If you want more, please send some ideas and a list of characters in the reviews and I will try my best to make something out of it. If nothing else, it will be a fun interactions.
Also, don't worry, 'Chapter 4' is relatively tame. In fact, it's almost genuine...see what I did there. Okay, I will shut up.
Hope you enjoyed reading this chapter.
Leave lots and lots of reviews, follow and fave.
Won't betray your dreams.
