Ducunt volentem fata, Fate leads the willing
Nolentem trahunt and drags the unwilling
~~~~~Emalyn~~~~~
Breast feeding was a lot more challenging than Emalyn had imagined it would be, and it had been hard work in general getting her milk to come in. So, she had been expecting it would be somewhat difficult in general but not this level of fuck my life. Her boobs leaked, it was messy, getting Kalon to latch right was getting easier with practice but still a challenge. That wasn't even taking into account how fucking hungry she was all the time and how much harder it was to leave him to go on runs.
It just sucked.
Catching sight of the other thing that was a drag Emalyn sighed, she couldn't exactly tell the children not to talk to each other or play at the boundary line. Liam/Billy had made friends with Louis Morales and that meant his sister hovered over him while he was there (though she was very much not interested in making friends thank goodness). The boy they had rescued, he had introduced himself as Curtis Wu but Daryl got his legal name out of him eventually as Wu Chen. Curtis had trouble adjusting, and after the first day he refused to talk at all.
He just stared off into space, and only ate when he was pushed. Daryl got him to leave the bus by teaching him hunting and Emalyn got him a smaller compound bow that had a decent enough draw that he could handle. He was a little better after that and was a little more engaged. Emalyn made him join in the classes everyone taught and he took to sign language well enough. He was still struggling with talking, hardly saying more than a handful of words a day and falling into signing when he knew the words.
Emalyn was sure something must have gone wrong while he was in her space, that she had messed him up somehow not putting him under and the guilt had her stomach tied up in knots. It took the collective efforts of Will and Hannibal to dissuade her of that misconception. Will told her that Curtis felt like sound was dangerous and that Curtis didn't seem to be able to let that go. While Hannibal pointed out that the time Curtis spent locked alone surviving in that room had conditioned him to silence. He had his dead parents outside the door guarding and imprisoning him into being quiet to avoid their notice. It would take a long time for him to be willing to let that silence go.
Curtis had nightmares a lot and he started sleeping with Daryl in the bunk after he woke up the baby one too many times when he woke up flailing his arms. Merle was an ass about it, but he was an ass about everything. The main issue was that somehow or another Curtis had made friends with Carl. Emalyn had come back from a run to find Curtis smiling a bit playing on a Nintendo switch she had given him with Carl.
Emalyn didn't have it in her heart to stop Curtis from making friends since his smiles were so rare and he seemed to genuinely like Carl's company. Though she had gotten over her misplaced idea that somehow, she had broken him Emalyn still had a lingering guilt she couldn't seem to shake about Curtis' continued silence. So even though she didn't like it Emalyn didn't try to stop Curtis from befriending Carl. This led to the older kids playing board games at the boundary line and letting the littles (Bella and Andre) team up with the older ones to play. Duncan was over there sometimes as well talking with Glen about runs and just younger guy things. Emalyn wasn't too sure about it since she hardly ever had free time and tried to stay away from the boundary line since Shane was always lurking over there waiting for her to get close enough to start a conversation.
She would have thought he was interested in her if Emalyn didn't know for a fact that he had taken up with Lori weeks ago and they were off in the woods fucking more often than not. Something Emalyn couldn't understand them doing, because it was not like they took anyone with them to keep watch while they were distracted with each other. Plus, Lori left Carl to Carol or whoever was closest (sometimes Amy) whenever she did sneak off. Everyone pretty much knew they were fucking, except maybe Carl since he seemed too naive about sex to suspect them. If everyone knew anyways Emalyn could not understand them sneaking off to the woods to have sex especially without a lookout.
What did they think? That this place was always going to be safe? What if they were too distracted and a walker bit them in the ass while they were at it? How embarrassing would that be?
That whole group gave her a headache and she went back and forth on what the hell to do about them every day.
Pros: Glen.
Cons: Everyone else.
Pros: Shane would make a good fighter, along with T-dog, Glen and maybe Carol if she broke out of her scared little baby rabbit role.
Cons: There were a lot of mouths to feed in that group, mouths that were as useful as baby chicks, people she didn't know much about because they were basically canon fodder in the show there to add to the body count. That meant she had no idea about their personalities, motivations, what they would be like in a crisis and how loyal they were. Betrayal could get you killed as fast as a Walker Legion.
Pros: …Glen?
She fucking hated this.
Pros: The children would have playmates, and she could help keep more kids alive.
Cons: Their dumbass parents that think their kids shouldn't be handling weapons or learning how to kill walkers.
Kalon finished nursing and Emalyn burped him then went back into the bus to pump the other boob so it would be less painful. Breast feeding sucked, she hadn't even lost her virginity, and she was already nursing a baby. Her life had been so out of order lately. Brianna should have been doing this…but she wasn't here. Emalyn pushed down her tears again cursing at herself for falling into a pity party/hormones. She had spent five long weeks getting her boobs to produce breast milk and she wasn't going to slack off now that she had gotten results just because it was hard.
She hadn't expected it to be so hard on her emotions. Though she should have, knowing intellectually that her hormones would be all over the place doing this was one thing…experiencing the ups and downs of her emotions was another. Emalyn wanted to be more practical about everything, but it was hard when she was feeling…so out of sorts. She had never been a very emotional person, preferring to push that shit so far down inside of her that she could look at most things with cold objectivity. It was easier to force herself to understand the practicality of why people treated her badly as a child then to cry…crying got you nothing but a headache and exhaustion.
From the start Emalyn wasn't interested in playing close to what she knew happened in the show because what would the point in that? She would be blinding herself to the reality of the situation by thinking it happened this way in the show. People would die that way. Thinking that just because someone survived in the show doesn't mean that they would survive in reality, not with more factors, new people involved, new decisions made, sometimes people survived by the skin of their teeth because of something as stupid as not standing in the wrong place.
Emalyn finished pumping, she put the new milk in the freezer bags and tossed it in the freezer for later. She picked Kalon back up and went out to look for Daryl. It was October 17th now…that means Rick Grimes would wake up in three days. Emalyn had always planned to go to Kings County, for multiple reasons, the biggest being that the hospital Rick woke in was treasure trove of weapons and medicine/ medical equipment not to mention the police station. The next was Morgan and Duane…there was no way in good conscious Emalyn could sit back and let a little boy die.
Then there were the kids, Brianna lived in Kings County and Jaimie and Liam both lived there as well. Emalyn would have gone just for them, they deserved to have something of their old lives and at least one picture of their parents. Going to Kings County was a forgone conclusion…it was when to go that Emalyn had been struggling with the last few days. Emalyn knew it would be a relatively easy raid on the hospital and the police station at least around the time Rick woke up.
She remembered vaguely a pyscho killer nurse had been there for a while but no one alive was there by the time Rick woke up. Someone had to have been changing his IV at least because without fluids he wouldn't have lived past three days without it. So sometime soon the hospital would be deserted. That made it smart to go then, but if she went before Rick woke up…there was a possibility that he wouldn't wake up.
Who the fuck knows why Rick woke when he did? Maybe his body forced him awake after he went a few days without fluids? Who the fuck knows? His waking up in the show was a plot device then to give the audience someone to follow to introduce the world of fucking zombies so what the fuck does it matter now. The fact remains…he might be waking up or not. Who the fuck knew…but the crux of it was what was Emalyn going to do with this information?
She knew she would need to talk to Shane to get his information on the police station weapons lock up, a fucking map, and that left them knowing she was going. Then…what would happen when she came back with Rick…if he was still there…if she found him…fuck this was giving her a headache. She was going to have to make a decision on the other group because there was no way stubborn Rick Grimes was letting her get away with delivering him to his family then letting her go easy.
Rick was a challenge in himself, the man was someone who was a natural leader and used to taking over the leadership role whenever he was given any tiny chance. Shane was next to useless in reeling that trait in because Shane was firmly a follower who does not want to be a leader at all. He was ill suited to leading people, too abrasive and too headstrong. Worse, he knew he wasn't the leadership type, and he wanted Rick to take that role.
The problem was the Rick's style…of trying to naturally take over leadership would definitely rub a large part of her group the wrong way…herself included because it just wasn't practical to follow a man who knew next to nothing of how this world worked now. Rick was too soft and by the time he hardened up…he would be half insane. Rick was a soft-hearted man that was too insular, he took too much on himself and then it hurt not just himself but everyone around him. Rick from what she remembered of him, went from extremes too hard and too soft at the same time.
Rick Grimes was a problem.
She could avoid him, get Morgan and Duane…leave Rick to die.
It would be smart to leave him to get himself killed.
Fuck.
Why was she so stupid?
When Emalyn found Daryl, he was coming back from hunting with a deer slung over his shoulders, drained, gutted, and ready for Hannibal to process. "You got a minute Daryl?" Emalyn asked with a small smile.
"For you? Always Kitten," Daryl said as he put the deer down on the processing table gesturing for Hannibal to come down from watch to handle it. Duncan ran back from his talk with Glen to take over Hannibal's spot seamlessly. She was really happy with how smooth everything was here now…fuck the giant fucking wrench named Rick that was being thrown inside her well-oiled machine.
Daryl followed her out to the walker farm, where the ones they were experimenting on were being handled, it was quiet and isolated. "What's this about Kitten?" Daryl asked as she paced the clearing rocking Kalon as she did.
"I don't know what the fuck to do," Emalyn settled on.
"About?" Daryl said as he sat to watch her pace.
"We gotta go to Kings County soon…then we have to go to the CDC when we get back." Emalyn said running her hands over Kalon's head that was poking out from her carrier wrap.
"This ain't about the CDC, that's been the plan for months now." Daryl said to gently prompt her.
"No…this is about fucking Rick Grimes," Emalyn said groaning as she sat next to him leaning her forehead on his shoulder.
"Who the fuck is Rick Grimes?" Daryl said as he brought his arm around her to give her a comforting squeeze.
Emalyn laughed, "Rick Grimes is Lori's husband."
"The skinny bitch that's fucking that bastard Shane?" Daryl said smirking.
"Yeah…they think he's dead…he's not…at least I don't think so…I don't know…I dreamed of him. But things have changed…but I don't know if that's changed or not." Emalyn said, grabbing Daryl's other hand to fiddle with it leaving the other wrapped around her.
"So, this Rick Grimes…he a problem for ya?" Daryl said slowly.
"Yes and no…He's a good man…but he is a problem, or he brings problems? If I save him, bring him back to his family…there is no escaping them following us to join our group." Emalyn said threading their fingers together and apart.
"Thought ya didn't want to be involved with them? Since they are…'ill suited' to survival situations." Daryl said gently squeezing her into his side.
"I don't but I don't know how we can avoid it in the long run, the kids like their kids…I can't leave the kids to them." Emalyn groaned, closing her eyes as she rubbed her face into Daryl's shoulder.
"And we can't save the kids without saving their parents?" Daryl agreed.
"This would be so much easier if they didn't have kids." Emalyn said as Kalon cooed in his sleep nuzzling into her chest.
"Yeah," Daryl agreed, "so this Rick Grimes…why is he an issue?"
"Besides the fact that Lori, Shane and him are a fucking headache? He's a leader, which isn't a bad thing…but he's too green. I don't know if he will follow us or try to take over both groups. I have no issues with him knocking out Shane from that shit show next door but…our group…if he tried that shit with us Hannibal might eat him." Emalyn said only half joking.
"Right," Daryl said letting her play with his hand in silence for a while. "Will the issue with those three be that bad?"
"Yeah…it will be…Shane could be a great soldier for the group but with Rick coming back Shane's gonna lose everything he has left in the world. Shane has a family with Lori and Carl that he will lose to Rick when he comes back. A man that loses his family to another man will always be a problem."
"And it would be the same for Rick, right?" Daryl pointed out, "Shane is a threat to Rick's position in his family and a threat to him as well."
"Yeah…if this was the old world it might have been manageable. Lori and Rick were heading to divorce from the sounds of things. Lori might not know Rick is alive, but she did fuck his best friend, if this was the old-world Shane would be losing Rick's friendship and Lori would probably be choosing him. It would have been tense but no one would die. Now…now someone might." Emalyn groaned, "The worst part is its all so fucking stupid. Why do their relationship problems have to be such a fucking issue? Can't they just be mature about it? Fucking talk it out?"
"I take it they didn't do that in the dreams?" Daryl asked grinning down at her.
"Fuck no, Lori was acting like a psycho trying to keep the whole fucking her husband's best friend thing a secret and Shane was going crazy losing being a sudo husband/father. Lori was zero help going hot and cold on him. It came to a head, Shane forced Rick to kill him to give himself an out of it. What a fucking shit show." Emalyn rubbed her face.
"Sounds like a fucking mess," Daryl agreed, "so we tell Rick right away and force them to talk…problem solved."
Emalyn burst out laughing, "I fucking wish…I guess…I guess I kind of already decided to save him huh? Fuck…I wish I wasn't so fucking stupid! Why am I so fucking stupid?! This is going to do nothing but give me fucking problems!"
Daryl laughed, "Yer not stupid Kitten…just too good," he squeezed her again.
"Fuck being good," Emalyn said groaning, "You'll come with me to talk to Shane?"
"That even a question ya need to ask Kitten?"
"Right, the puppy should follow his master like a good boy," Emalyn teased smirking.
Daryl grinned, "Don't make me bite ya."
"I'll get you a muzzle to make the collar I'm gonna get you," Emalyn threatened.
Daryl laughed again then helped Emalyn up, "Why ya gotta talk to that asshole anyways."
"I want a map to the police station's weapons lock up in Kings County," Emalyn said dragging her feet as she walked back until Daryl poked her in the small of her back. She forced herself to practice walking lightly like a hunter should.
"We could find it ourselves," Daryl offered as he followed her through their camp.
"Yeah, but how long would that take? Plus, who knows if its even stored there and not some other place. Better to ask Shane and get a clear idea of where to look." Emalyn sighed as she stopped next to Curtis on the boundary line. It didn't take very long for Shane to spot her and head her way quickly.
"Emalyn! What brings you to the neighborhood?" Shane said as he swaggered up to her.
Daryl's presence was a comfort at her back, "In a few days we will be going on a run to Kings County, I was hoping you could tell me where the police weapon's lockup was located and maybe draw me a map of the layout."
Shane didn't respond right away, "Yer going to Kings County for the weapons lockup?"
"That's one of many reasons yeah," Emalyn responded, "You gonna tell me where it is?"
"Now hold on there…how bout this… why don't I go with you, be yer personal map, in exchange we get half the weapons we collect." Shane negotiated.
"No…I haven't worked with you, and I am not doing a run with you for the first time on a long run. You draw me a map and you get a third for it." Emalyn countered.
Shane was silent doing his lip biting thing looking at her like she was a puzzle to be solved, "I draw you a map and you stop by Lori's house and get her and Carl some things…and half."
"You draw the map, we will pick up some things for you, you get a third and be happy I'm being generous. Only a couple of your people are even trained to handle weapons and I'm risking enough as it is giving you that many. I'll throw in enough food for your group…for two days." Emalyn said firmly.
Shane sucked in at his teeth before grinning at her, "Alright little Lady you drive a hard bargain, a third, you pick up some things for Lori and Carl and two days of rations…and I'll get you a map tomorrow with the location of weapon's lockups." Shane stuck his hand out and gave her a firm handshake. Emalyn could see Lori giving the two of them a hard stare that was just short of a glare.
"Alright, get me the map and the address for Lori's place by tomorrow." Emalyn said before heading back into her camp.
Daryl followed her back to the bus, she needed to plan for the trip because it was going to be a long one. She was expecting it to take two days, one day to get there, get the things they needed and then they would need to hole up for the night somewhere since driving at night was asking for trouble from walkers or people. Lights at night were a bad idea. Emalyn hated the thought but comforted herself in thinking that when they made it back, they would go to the CDC and perhaps finally get some direction on where to head next.
She needed the CDC data and hopefully Reacher and his team were there. It would be good to have more fighters. Michonne and Duncan were good with handling the children in her absence. Hannibal was happy to be given the opportunity to take over cooking. Emalyn tried really hard not to be queasy at the thought. Will was in the process of finishing up setting the solar panels on their RV and Beverly was ready to take over the watch rotation schedule.
Merle was being an ass, but he agreed to go through detox at the CDC when they made it there. He was going to hunt for the group and take over the lessons with the kids under Hannibal's supervision. Everyone agreed to get the camp ready for breakdown and packing up to get to the CDC the day after they got back from King's County. Emalyn spent the next couple of days pumping breastmilk for Kalon, cuddling Bella, trying to connect to the silent Curtis and trying to not have a panic attack about what she was about to do.
~~~~Daryl~~~~~
Emalyn seemed as nervous as a cat on a hot tin roof the way she was double checking everything this morning before they got in her truck to head out to Kings County. She must have checked ten times already that Will knew how to operate her device that basically turned cell phones into walkie talkies that could reach up to five miles. It was private and long range so that they could talk to each other when on runs. Not that it would reach all the way to Kings County, but it was reassuring to her, nonetheless.
Sometimes Daryl wondered where Emalyn got all the gadgets and things she pulled out of her space though he never asked since it didn't seem very important in the scheme of things. Once they were on the road Emalyn wasn't much better and Daryl wasn't sure how to snap her out of it.
"Ya need to get outta yer head Kitten, yer making me tense just sitting here." Daryl said trying to get her to talk about it.
"This is so fucking stupid," Emalyn bit out refusing to look at him.
"Yeah, well we're doing it anyway so get over it." Daryl countered.
"I…I like Rick…I do…its just…fuck why does saving someone have to be so fucking complicated," Emalyn groaned hands gripping the steering wheel tight.
"Don't know, why don't ya just…I don't know…make him dream wouldn't that help?" Daryl suggested light.
"FUCK NO! Rick, Shane, fucking Carol…those three while it would certainly up their usefulness in combat it...at least for Carol and Rick…but fuck. I'm getting a headache just thinking about the trouble they would cause if they knew all that shit…god fucking dammit. Why are we taking them in again? This is a bad fucking idea."
"Cause yer a bleeding-heart Kitten and aren't the type to just sit by."
"Fuck," Emalyn said groaning, "Why can't I leave well enough alone?"
Daryl laughed and turned the music on low. "Well…where would the fun in that be Kitten?"
"Yeah yeah…fuck you too Puppy," Emalyn said fighting a grin.
Daryl smiled glad he managed to pull her out of her spiral, "Now…here's a question for you…why do ya wanna leave Georgia so much and go somewhere else?"
"It's not so much I want to leave Georgia is that I want to get the hell out of the blast zones…that means going way down south or very far north. Each direction has their pros and cons I guess."
"Blast zones?! We expecting bombs to go off now?!" Daryl asked concerned. He had never been tempted into dreaming of the life he could have had but sometimes he hated being blindsided like this.
"Not so much bombs…or maybe? I don't know… they are more like landmines waiting to go off?"
"Kitten…start making fucking sense please."
"It's the Nuclear Power plants I'm worried about," Emalyn said eventually.
"Fuck me…I didn't think…shit…ya dream about that too?!"
"No…but its on my list. It takes years to properly decommission a nuclear power plant, they wouldn't have had time for that, the best they could have done was shut them down maybe? I don't fucking know I'm not a nuclear physicist! All I do know is that one day those plants are gonna have a meltdown and then we will be looking at contamination zones of radiation somewhere in the range of 30-45 kilometers from the plant. And that's my best guess…I'm not even sure how to factor in wind drift, not to mention fucking radioactive walkers spreading shit."
"Sometimes I really wish yer weren't so smart so I don't have to think about this shit because…fuck me Kitten that's a fucking nightmare I coulda done without." Daryl groaned, pressing his hands into his eyes. "So, yer plan is to what? Just put distance between us and any plant? How would we even fucking know it is there?"
"I looked up the coordinates from the known nuclear power plants in north and south America…I didn't have time for any other countries. However,…that's not factoring in the actual nuclear bombs we have floating around. There are some in missile silos but also on the water in submarines."
"Yer a real fucking drag ya know that? Fuck…we're so fucked." Daryl groaned. He really wished he could go back to five minutes ago and think the world was big enough for them to find someplace safe soon. The world seemed to be getting smaller by the minute.
"Yeah…well…welcome to my practical brain where I try to think as macro and micro as possible to understand my options when making decisions."
"Yer a pain in the ass ya know that?" Daryl said looking at her in disbelief.
"Yeah…but would you rather I not think about these things?"
"Fuck no! Ah don't think anyone else has been and that shit…I'd rather not surprise me thanks. Fuck…anything else ya wanna say to give me something to spiral over on our way?" Daryl asked sarcastically.
"Nope…wanna go over the pros and cons of North vs South?" Emalyn asked grinning.
"Yer a little shit," Daryl snapped, "yeah fine. Though I am always gonna be with the south just so ya know…because fuck snow."
"That's like the biggest pro of the north, walking corpses can't maintain a warm body that they need to move around in that, they become little statues we can deal with," Emalyn said defensively.
"Yeah until yer stepping in a snowdrift and one fucking bites ya from inside the snow cause ya can't see them!" Daryl countered.
"If they can move! Probably would be frozen stiff by then."
"Probably is not reassuring," Daryl said while watching the interesting play of emotions on Emalyn's face.
"Whatever, south is hotter…makes getting sick easier especially with Walkers contaminating everything."
"Easier to deal with then Walkers popping out of the snow plus its easier to grow food year-round the warmer it is."
"Yeah but getting there will be a fucking headache…we'll need a boat. Something big enough for supplies and all of us. That's gonna fucking suck plus we gotta make it through all those fucking walker's getting to the higher density populations on coastlines." Emalyn groaned conceding.
"That's why we're going to get as many fighters as we can," Daryl said, "maybe picking this Rick up isn't as stupid as ya thought."
"Yeah maybe…" Emalyn sighed, "sometimes its easier to think of the downsides than it is to think of the upsides."
The rest of the ride Daryl tried to steer Emalyn to talking about what she would do once they found a place to settle in, what she would build and more positive things. The way she talked about moats and walls lit up her face. Daryl had long since stopped listening to what she was saying and more how she was saying it. He liked seeing her excited and hopeful. They decided to get the police station weapons lock-up first before heading to the hospital because the hospital had more involved.
The hospital would not only have weapons but also a lot of other supplies. They only had to deal with a couple police walkers that were lingering behind a fence, they kept the fence up and secured though. Since they knew they had to spend the night here they decided that sleeping there would probably be the best idea and then they could head back home in the morning. Emalyn was practically vibrating with tension when they got to the hospital and Daryl was trying hard not to be affected by that.
"Yer really taking the helicopters into yer space? Da ya even know how to fly them?" Daryl asked challengingly as they swept the grounds around the hospital emptying out the abandoned military weapons/supplies.
"Well…no I don't know how to fly it but maybe someone will and then it will come in handy."
"Yer a pack rat ya know that right," Daryl said chuckling.
"I thought I was an adorable kitten?"
"That too, still a pack rat."
"Yeah well…you would be the same if you had your own space! Its not like I am pressed for a way to carry it all!" Emalyn said as she pulled more weapons into her space.
"Hey, not judging ya just saying," Daryl said grinning. "So… once we're done here ya wanna move into the hospital, right? That's gonna be a lot more dangerous than this open space, lotta corners to hide in fer walkers and people."
"Yeah…but we need that equipment, ultrasounds, meds, all of it, plus…Rick might still be in his room…maybe," Emalyn said as he followed Daryl into a triage tent.
Daryl wondered if they both took their time clearing out everything useful outside of the hospital for different reasons. In the end they went inside, and it was as much of a shit show as Daryl had been afraid of. There were dead bodies everywhere and Daryl was very glad that walkers couldn't bite through their tactical gear because otherwise even walking in there would have been something he wouldn't want to risk.
Emalyn stood in front of a locked set of doors that said 'Don't open dead inside' for a while in a daze before turning her attention to clearing out anything that was useful on this floor. When she got to a door with a stretcher in front of it, she took the stretcher in her space before she shakingly opened the door to an empty room. She slumped looking both disappointed and relieved.
:He's gone already: Emalyn signed to him.
:He was here: Daryl signed back.
:Yes:
:Do you know where he went:
:Yes:
:So let's get this done.:
Daryl thought that the knowledge that Rick wasn't there helped speed up the process of getting through the hospital and when they were done Emalyn decided to head to her sister's place first, Jaime/Liam's place second and Lori's place last. When they got to Emalyn's sister's place Daryl thought it looked like one of those homes in the movies about families, with the white picket fence and the roses lined up behind it in bloom. The grass needed cutting but the house itself was very welcoming. There was a bench swing on the porch and the warm light-yellow color of the walls made the tan roof stand out.
Emalyn stood there staring at it for a while, this house was tucked away on a winding street that hid it from view and made it very hard to find if you didn't know it was there. Daryl wasn't expecting much trouble, but in case walkers or people were in there they approached it cautiously. Daryl could tell Emalyn was both reluctant and eager to get in there. They cleared the house as meticulously as ever going room to room watching each other's backs and Emalyn crouched to go low while Daryl had his crossbow ready to go high.
It was only after they cleared it that Daryl finally took in what his eyes were seeing, the house was as warm inside as it was outside, there were toys scattered everywhere and family pictures on the walls. Emalyn herself was looking at everything like she was getting punched in the gut, Daryl wasn't sure how to make that better and just stood silently at her side while she composed herself.
"Let's get the food first," Emalyn said clearing out the kitchen before she made her way upstairs with Daryl watching her back like always. As she moved through the house, the family pictures on the walls disappeared into her space before she stopped in front of a room. When she opened the door to the room Daryl realized this must have been Bellamy's room, there was a white princess bed in there with toys everywhere and it looked like something Bellamy would have loved. Everything from the dinosaur wallpaper to the pink satin sheets screamed Bellamy.
Emalyn pulled everything in the room into her space, the clothes, the shoes, the toys, the furniture until the room was completely empty with only one stuffed blue triceratops on the floor. She crouched down to pick it up but then she didn't stand. She stayed there on her knees with the blue stuffed triceratops clenched in her hands. "Sometimes I still don't believe it," Emalyn whispered as she squeezed the stuffed animal between her hands.
"Sometimes, it feels like…I could just turn around you know…and she would be there. Smiling. Like losing her was a lie and she is just…just in another room waiting for me." Emalyn voice sounded choked like she was forcing herself to talk around her tears. Daryl closed the door so nothing could sneak up on them and kneeled down next to her. He was expecting her to be crying but even though her eyes were filled with sadness the tears weren't falling yet.
"She must have been something," Daryl said placing a hesitant hand on her back.
"She was…god…she was so…she had this just…goodness inside of her that made her glow…that sounds so cliché but she really did Daryl. Brianna had this smile…like…it felt like warmth and kindness and home. You know…she didn't have to be my sister…she didn't have to share her parents with me…but she did it. She did it Daryl…fuck…she fought for it. Took her forever to convince her parents to adopt me…I wasn't ever that close to them but Brianna…I would have died for her if I could have." Emalyn said as her eyes filled with fat defiant tears that rolled slowly down her cheeks making his stomach twist up.
"You…you did your best to save her Emalyn and you're doing everything for her kids." Daryl tried to comfort her that way while running his hand up and down her back. He didn't know how to comfort people.
"I know…I know in my head there wasn't anything more I could have done to save her…but my heart…my heart Daryl feeling like…I could die from the guilt of it. Brianna should be the one breast feeding Kalon, should be the one raising her babies and I failed her Daryl. I failed. I did everything I thought we should do, I tried so hard to get them out, but it wasn't good enough! It wasn't enough and I got her killed Daryl." Emalyn was shaking, tears pouring down her face as she clutched the stuffed animal to her chest.
Daryl didn't know what to say, didn't know how to make it better, he knew if it was him there was nothing anyone could say that would make him feel any less guilty for surviving if his brother died. "What's with this then?" Daryl asked, tugging at the stuffed triceratops in Emalyn's arms.
Emalyn broke out of her spiral to look at the triceratops in her hands and then smiled at it even with the tears still streaming down her face. "It's Bellamy's favorite, I got it for her on her first birthday and she has loved it to death since then. See here, Brianna had to sew in a black button to replace the eye Bella popped off playing to rough with him…and here Brianna embroidered some flowers to cover up the hole that was left when Bella took it too close to a campfire last year."
"Sounds like Bella is going to be very happy to get it back." Daryl said softly, putting his crossbow down to free his other hand to wipe the tears off her face.
"She threw the biggest fit when they realized they had left it behind when they came to my house," Emalyn smiled a wobbly smile, and tears still ran silently out of the corner of her eyes.
Daryl just wanted her to forget for a moment, forget her pain, forget everything, and so he acted on impulse. Before he could second guess himself or think of the consequences Daryl captured her lips in a soft kiss. She tasted like her salty tears and as his lips moved gently against hers Emalyn's arms came up to wrap around his neck pressing the stuffed animal on the back of his neck. She melted into him.
It surprised him, how willingly she had given in, and Daryl felt the greed rise up uncontrollably inside of him. What started as a gentle pressing of his lips against hers turned hungry, he devoured her lips pressing her back and sliding his hand to grip the back of her neck. His tongue slipped into her mouth with ease as she submitted to his every whim as she kissed him back, their tongues tangled together, and Daryl plundered her mouth.
Everything else fell away, all that mattered was the taste of her, the gentle submission of her mouth, the salty taste of her tears as their tongues danced together and he damn near growled at the breathy weak kitten like moan she made as his hand gripped her neck a little harder. Daryl couldn't think, she was like poison in his veins, as he consumed, he was consumed by her and he never felt so weak yet so strong.
Lips, tongue, the light scrape of his teeth on her bottom lip, he lost himself in her until all that mattered was pulling more of those small moans from her mouth so he could devour those as well. He was addicted. She was like heron in his veins, a drug, he couldn't stop, didn't want to stop. He was on his knees before her, worshiping her mouth, and as much as he was dominating her with the kiss, he felt like he was the one losing his will to her. Daryl knew there was no going back after this…he would be the dog at her feet…devoted to worshiping her.
Maybe that had been a forgone conclusion.
Eventually she pulled away, blinking stunned big brown eyes up at him and Daryl just wanted to kiss her again. However, she pulled back, "We don't…we can't…there's not enough time…" Her face looked tortured as she spoke like this was the last thing she wanted to say.
"Yeah," Daryl simply said standing up and helping her to her feet as well. The blue triceratops had disappeared at some point and Daryl followed behind Emalyn as she emptied out the rest of the house. She took the entire nursery they had set up for Kalon, and she took a lot of things from her sister's room. Daryl tried not to spiral and freak out about the kiss. He had kissed her. He had kissed her, and she had let him.
"What's that?" Daryl asked as he tried to distract himself from thinking about pulling her back into his arms so he could kiss her again.
Emalyn had a golden locket in her hands, it was oval and plain though a little larger than a silver dollar, "Brianna's mom gave it to her when she was pregnant with Bella," Emalyn said opening it to show him the two pictures inside. "This is her parents when her mom was pregnant with Brianna, and this is Brianna with David when she was pregnant with Bella. Brianna wanted to give it to Bella when she is older and pregnant too. Like an heirloom."
"It's good that we got it for her," Daryl said nodding.
"This is a compass that was passed down by David's grandfather, he took it with him to war," Emalyn said picking it up as the locket disappeared into her space, "Aut Viam Inveniam Aut Faciam." She said as she showed him the engraving inside the compass as she opened it.
"What's that mean?" Daryl asked.
"I shall either find a way or make one." She said smiling sadly as Daryl traced the tear tracts on her face. "David's grandfather used it as a family motto."
"It's a good one." Daryl said softly.
"Yeah," Emalyn said, "I'll save this one for Kalon. He deserves something he can pass down too."
They finished up the inside of the house and when they were heading out Emalyn pulled the roses from the front yard into her space. "Ya can do that too?" Daryl asked as he watched the roses disappear leaving holes in the ground.
"Yeah…they are roses I planted with Brianna because she loved rosehip tea…she made her own. Made her smell like roses all the time." Emalyn said with a small smile like she was trying to justify the choice of taking them too.
Daryl grabbed her wrist before she could get in the truck, "Ya know ya don't have ta do that."
"Do what?" Emalyn asked him confused.
"Justify taking anything ya want into yer space," Daryl said seriously as he looked into abashed eyes, "Emalyn…ya do so much fer so many people…ya don't have to make excuses fer doing anything fer yerself. Ya deserve…everything." Daryl finished lamely feeling stupid but needing to say it.
Emalyn looked at him, eyes wide, and then she smiled. Daryl barely stopped himself from gasping, her smile lit her up from inside she looked so stunning, and he was reminded again how out of his league she was in that moment. He was proud he was the one that had put that wide, happy smile on her face though.
"Daryl Dixon…you are…you are too good to me." Emalyn said emotionally before turning her face away to climb into the truck and Daryl spotted a blush working its way down her neck.
Daryl grinned and hopped into the truck feeling like he was floating. The next house, Jaime's and Liam's, was quick and didn't have any food as it had been picked over. Emalyn took all their clothes though and cleared out their rooms. It had been so smooth going Daryl almost forgot that they were expecting this run to be a pain in the ass until they were driving to Lori's place and Emalyn slammed on the brakes suddenly.
"What the fuck!" Daryl growled as she jumped out.
He followed her and saw what had caused her panic. There on the ground was a man in a hospital gown with a boy standing over him with a shovel with a man pointing a gun at him. Daryl saw the man, who had to be Rick Grimes, pass out as Emalyn ran up to the father and son.
"Wait!" She called as the father turned the gun on them with her hands raised. Daryl tensed swinging up his crossbow aiming at the man over Emalyn's shoulder ready to put him down the moment he so much as twitched, father or not. He would deal with the guilt of killing that boy's father gladly as long as it meant Emalyn was safe.
"Put it down before I drop ya," Daryl growled as Emalyn looked at him in a panic.
"Wait! Wait!" Emalyn said panicking as she looked from him to the father.
"I don't know who you two are, but if you think I'm gonna let you anywhere near my kid you picked the wrong man," the father said as he pointed the gun at Daryl. Which was a relief that he wasn't aiming at Emalyn at least.
Daryl watched from the corner of his eye as Emalyn's face fell into stoney emotionlessness, the way she looked when she was gonna do something particularly ruthless or as she would say practical. "Morgan," the man turned stunned eyes from Daryl back to Emalyn.
"You know me?" he asked looking the picture of confusion.
"Morgan, I want you to dream." Emalyn said forcefully and Daryl watched stunned as the man crumbled in a dead faint to the ground.
"Daddy!" The boy cried, running to him. Emalyn got to him first taking the gun before the kid could.
"Ya can do that?" Daryl asked stunned as he grabbed the kid before he could go for the shovel.
Emalyn grimaced, "I didn't know…until I did." The kid was struggling pretty hard, and Daryl pinned him down against his chest. "Duane," Emalyn said in a gentle mom voice, "Duane," she got his attention, and his struggles slowed down, "I know it doesn't look like it, but we're here to help you and your dad and Rick here."
"Rick?" Duane asked, confused.
"The man you hit with a shovel, he's not a walker, he's alive," Emalyn told him gently and Daryl noticed the boy looked very guilty then. Soft, him and his dad…this new world would be very hard for them.
"Look Duane…Daryl and I are gonna put your dad and Rick in our truck and take them to the police station. It has a fence and hot water for showers! You can come too, ride in the back with your dad, just…just don't try anything ok? We can't help you or your dad if you do something stupid like run off." Emalyn said sternly in her mom voice. Duane nodded looking very put out and reluctant, but Daryl thought the kid was smart enough to know how fast he would die on his own without his father.
Duane got into their truck easily enough, Morgon and Rick on the other hand were a struggle for the two of them, especially with Walker's coming in from all the noise. Daryl cleared the area while Emalyn dragged them along and then he had to quickly help her get them in the back of the truck slumped over in the seats. Rick smelled ripe, the sickly-sweet kind of ripe that infected wounds smelled like, and Daryl hoped he wasn't bit.
Daryl guessed they would need to hit up Lori's in the morning before heading back to camp probably with these three in tow. They made it to the station; the gate was still up, and Daryl still helped Emalyn clear it again before they dragged the two dead weights in with the little boy trailing behind. Emalyn set them up on cots and then stripped Rick down and took off his filthy bandages. The wound under it was mostly healed over but it was inflamed and there was puss bubbling up under the freshly healed skin making Daryl wrinkle his nose. Definitely not a bite then but still a problem.
Emalyn wiped the man down and Daryl reminded himself not to feel any sort of way about that. Though it was harder than he had expected shutting up that possessive emotion that rose up as she took care of Rick. Emalyn checked Morgan's head and then set up water with some Tylenol next to him. She set Rick up with an IV and all the while Duane was crouched next to his dad scowling at them.
"Whatcha doing?" Duane asked her.
"Rick here is very dehydrated and trying to wake him up right now is probably not a good idea. So this is gonna give him some fluids." Emalyn said patiently.
The sun was just beginning to go down when Morgan woke up screaming, "Clear! I gotta Clear!"
Daryl stood over him tense as the man sat up, Emalyn was beside Duane she put a soothing hand on his shoulder, "Hey now…shhh…it hasn't happened yet. I've given you a second chance to do what you should have done." Emalyn said firmly. Morgan was looking at her wild eyes before his gaze dropped to Duane and like a man drowning, he grabbed his son to him in a bruising hold. Daryl shifted moving to intervene before Emalyn grabbed his arm shaking her head while Morgan broke down crying causing Duane to start crying as well.
"They are gonna need a minute," Emalyn said as she pulled him over to the side where Rick was sleeping.
"How much did you give him?" Daryl asked curious about the man's reaction.
Emalyn had a complicated look on her face, "I…I think a few months? Maybe? Its hard to be sure, time is hard to distinguish in dreams. He…he got the memory of his greatest failure at least though so he's probably gonna be a bit of a wreck for a while."
"What was it?" Daryl asked curious.
"He couldn't bring himself to put down his Walker wife…she got Duane and then he got her." Emalyn whispered so that Duane wouldn't hear.
"Idiot," Daryl sneered.
"Yeah," Emalyn smiled bitterly grabbing his arm as if to anchor herself to him grabbing his attention, "not all of us are as strong as you Daryl."
"Yer plenty strong Kitten," Daryl refuted.
Emalyn just shook her head before leaving the room for a minute and then coming back with food that she put in front of Duane and Morgan. They attacked the sandwiches like they have been starving for a while and Daryl was thankful that it stopped the crying at least. It was fully night before Rick Grimes woke up. He just laid there looking at them for a while.
"You're wound was infected, it should have been healed by now but the bandages were filthy so the infection will take a while to heal all the way." Emalyn said, startling him to look at her.
"Who are you? Why am I at the station?" Rick asked looking very confused.
"Well…you remember being shot right?" Emalyn began sitting next to him and Daryl stayed standing behind her ready for any hostile movements from him or the other one. Morgan was still sitting in the cot next to Rick's holding his son and mumbling to himself.
"Yeah, kinda hard to forget that," Rick replied.
"You saw them right? The dead people?" Emalyn said as she leaned back onto Daryl's legs.
"Yeah, piled up in those trucks and under those sheets," Rick nodded.
"No…not those dead people, the ones that they couldn't put down the ones walking around, the Walkers," Emalyn pushed, "Like the one by the bike."
"How did you?" Rick startled.
"That's not important right now, the important thing is you understand what the world is now and how it's changed," Emalyn said interrupting him.
"What do you mean?"
"Rick…this isn't the world you left when you went into that coma, there was a sickness, people died but they didn't stay down. They got up and walked around. Looking for anything living to eat. You get bit, you get scratched by one, you get sick, you die, you come back, and you aren't you anymore." Emalyn said simply.
"My family! I need to find my family!" Rick tried to get up, but Emalyn pushed him down.
"What you need to do is eat something, this is a protein drink try to drink as much as you can. You were out for a while and your stomach needs to get used to food again before you start on heavier things. Drink this, in a bit after that I'll get you some soup, then you need to wash up because you stink. Things like finding your family, can wait until morning when it won't be suicide to go outside." Emalyn said firmly.
Rick took the shake from Emalyn's hands and stared at it for a while, "Who are you? Why are you doing all this?"
"I'm Emalyn…this is Daryl Dixon…as for why we're here…well that can wait till morning too." Emalyn said firmly pushing Rick's hand with the drink.
Rick drank it with shaking hands. After Emalyn was sure he wasn't going to throw up the drink she brought over the soup, a broth filled thin chicken soup that was more broth than anything. Rick drank that too and told Emalyn that aside from some stomach cramping he didn't feel like he was going to throw it up.
"Whoever took care of you at least fed you," Emalyn said offhandedly as she examined him with Rick's cooperation this time.
"What?" Rick asked confused.
"By my estimation you were in that hospital for about two months after the fall of everything, the bandaging was probably a few weeks old so whoever it was didn't care that much about the wound but your muscles while sore aren't useless. You also aren't dead, so someone was giving you fluids and probably feeding you liquid protein shakes. Whoever it was must have been gone for at least a few days now though," Emalyn commented offhandedly.
"How'd you figure?" Rick asked flinching as Emalyn forced his legs into an awkward bend.
"You are dehydrated for one, you only last about 3 days without fluids, so whoever it was stopped at most three days ago." Emalyn said simply. "And before you ask, no I have no idea who was taking care of you. They did a half decent job; you aren't dead at least, and you can take food. Plus, you're walking around."
"You keep talking like you know me, why is that? Because I don't know you." Rick said with his voice rough.
Emalyn paused, Daryl could see a thousand thoughts flash through her head before she replied, "We know Lori, Shane and Carl…so even though we don't know you…we know you."
Rick tried to get up again before Emalyn pushed him down, "You know my family?! Where are they? Are they close? What happened?!"
"Your family is not anywhere near here, they're at a camp just outside Atlanta, we'll bring you to them tomorrow. For right now, you need to sleep and get your strength up. We got things we have to finish here tomorrow morning then we will take you to them, but we don't need a dead weight out there. So, get your strength up." Emalyn said firmly.
Rick laid down but Daryl could tell that he was too wired to really rest. Not that he could blame him, if Daryl had woken up after all this shot had already gone down, he would be questioning if he was still in a coma as well as wondering if he had died and gone to hell. Though Rick didn't seem like the type to have earned a spot in hell to begin with, you never really knew people. Sometimes it was the ones you thought were the best of us that turned out to be the worst, so he was keeping an eye on the two new men and even the kid.
One thing Daryl knew for sure was that anyone can be pushed to do anything, and kids were just as likely to get you killed as an adult can. Daryl convinced Emalyn to rest first and let him take first watch but she couldn't sleep not with those guys so close. Eventually she climbed into Daryl's lap and fell asleep on his chest while Daryl kept his crossbow close at hand with his arms around her.
It was the first time that Daryl had someone sleep on him like that, it felt nice, and he used every inch of his willpower to not get distracted by the weight of her resting on his chest slumped into his lap. He felt her slow breathing and used that as motivation to keep himself alert. A couple hours before dawn Rick finally passed out and Daryl woke her up reluctantly. Emalyn returned the favor by pushing his head into her lap and carding her fingers through his hair until he fell asleep from the soothing motion.
~~~~Shane~~~~~
There were times he felt like a caged animal as he paced the camp and tried to push down his anxiety over Emalyn's return. Before Emalyn left, she had told them she would discuss the merging of their groups when she returned but warned that such a thing would have to be on her own terms. Shane didn't care what her terms were, he would make sure everyone in his group followed Emalyn's lead, just like he had always made sure everyone had followed Rick's, and it was a relief to think about giving up his leadership role.
Being a leader had always been hard for him, he was too impatient, too bull headed, to lead people and every time he had it had never turned out right. He always ended up rubbing people the wrong way, being too hard for people and he was never the compassionate leader Rick had been. It was part of the reason he had been so reluctant to become a father, because if he couldn't lead people how could he lead his family.
Things were different now, with Lori and Carl, because without them Shane was certain he would have just eaten some lead to get this over with already. The odds were stacked against them, the sheer number of infected walking corpses vs living people was highlighted to him every time he left camp on a run. Shane could hardly think of a worse way to die than to be eaten alive by a crowd of decomposing corpses. If he had to face this world alone, Shane knew he wouldn't have the strength to keep fighting, to keep trying to live. He wasn't alone though, and the thought of Lori or Carl dying wasn't something he could stand so he kept pushing. Kept living. Kept fighting to live every moment, not because he wanted to but because of them. He couldn't leave them to live here alone.
As time wore on it got easier, being something like a father/husband to his best friend's family and it was everything Shane had never known he was missing. Teaching Carl things had always been fun, but it felt different now…the way Carl was looking at him felt different. The dependance shining in Carl's eyes felt both challenging and amazing at the same time. Shane had never had someone look at him like that, like he was their whole world, and it made him a little regretful that he had never taken that leap with someone before all this craziness happened. He had always been afraid to be a father, sure he was gonna screw it up somehow, but now…now he wasn't afraid of that anymore.
It was probably for the best that Shane had never had a family, because he didn't know how he would have been able to provide as much, splitting his focus between them and Lori and Carl. Now it was simple, Shane only had to do his best to fill in the hole Rick left in their lives. It was easier than he had feared. Rick was so much better than him that Shane was sure he'd mess it up right away somehow. Yet, Lori would sometimes tell him as she cuddled up in his arms about how nice it was that Shane actually talked to her and that he listened to her as well. Carl never compared the two of them, but he always said how happy he was that Shane was there.
Even with all this madness, how the world was falling apart, taking care of Lori and Carl kept him going. It gave him a purpose, made him feel stronger, like he could do anything to keep the two of them safe. It was why he was dead set on getting his group integrated into Emalyn's even if it meant shutting everyone but the three of them out, Shane was willing to do that. Because Emalyn's group had a better shot at survival than his own and Shane was man enough to see that plain as day. Shane tried, he copied Emalyn where he could, but he wasn't the leader she was and it showed.
The group had a watch system now, but it wasn't as efficient and thorough as Emalyn's group. Shane couldn't get them to take it seriously, there were times when he had come back from a run to no one on watch and no one having any idea who was watching last. He couldn't get the mothers to allow the kids to be trained and the adults hardly ever showed up to his training sessions. Andrea, Amy and Glenn did but the rest was a crapshoot.
Dale was always saying he was too old to be physically trained and that he knew how to shoot anyways so it was of little use to him. Jackie was distant with everyone except the women sometimes but even then, she wasn't one to socialize all that much. She and Jim lost a lot getting here so they were quiet most of the time, so people left them alone. The Morales family was very insular, and Shane just didn't seem to be able to pull them into building a team like Emalyn's group.
It was very frustrating because Shane wasn't entirely sure what he was doing wrong only that he was and since he didn't know why he couldn't fix it. Shane could hardly wait for Emalyn to return so that he could just…stop trying to herd these cats and hand them over to her to handle. When Shane saw Emalyn's truck driving up, he was damn near vibrating in excitement. Lori and Carl were next to him waiting equally excited for different reasons. Lori because she would be getting some more things for her family. Carl because he had somehow gotten Curtis to ask Emalyn to get his comic collection since he was bored out of his mind here in camp.
Shane because he would finally be taking the first real step ahead in joining Emalyn's group. It had taken a lot of work, but he had finally gotten Emalyn to agree to talks and that was an accomplishment Shane had been very proud of.
There was something about the look on Emalyn's face when she got out of the truck that put Shane on edge and made his stomach drop. Even though it was still hot out Shane felt like his blood had suddenly ran cold when she looked at him with a complicated face and turned her attention to the truck as the back door opened. Shane felt like he was dreaming as he watched his brother in all but blood step out of that door, he looked thinner but seeing him in his pressed uniform as he placed his hat on his head and smiled at them. It felt like his brain had shut off for a minute, like the world wasn't making sense or he was dreaming with his eyes open. Distantly he heard Carl shouting 'DAD' and felt Lori shaking beside him.
He watched feeling oddly detached as Rick kneeled down crying as he held Carl to his chest and as Lori woodenly walked towards the crying pair her eyes looking as wide as a deer in headlights as she looked from him to Rick. Shane didn't know what it was he should be feeling, maybe he should feel happy that the man he loved and grieved over was alive. He did feel that way in a distant and muted way. Happy he was alive, he was breathing…but the biggest part of him was feeling like his heart was being ripped from his chest.
Because as he watched Rick hold Lori and Carl…Shane realized he had lost the one thing he was living for to the man he loved for most of his adult life. He had lost his purpose, he had lost his family, he had lost the peace he had found in being all the two of them had needed and there was no getting that back now. It was gone. His stomach twisted with the errant thought that it would have been better if Rick had never come back because that was his brother. He loved him.
But he also hated him right at this moment.
Hated that he had destroyed everything just by being alive and here.
What was he going to do now?
How was he going to find the strength to live with no one to live for.
Author's Note: I wasn't sure about it, but I think it was time to start season 1, I'm curious to know if you guys are liking the ship so far? Still a slow burn so progress will take a min but I feel like their chemistry is great. That's just me though. I was debating in my own head whether or not our practical Emalyn would take that jump into helping Rick and the others but in the end our girl is way to soft on kids to risk letting them get hurt. I agree with Emalyn on her never giving Rick, Carol, or Shane their alternate future memories. Because I just see those three, armed with those memories being nothing but too many problems. However, you can try convincing me in the comments if you think otherwise. Comments really keep me going because it gives me feedback and sometimes ideas. lol so let me know what you think! Anyone else excited to see how this is going to play out? -
