Disclaimer: I do not own any of Harry Potter of JKs work. Trigger warning, self-harm, suicide, upsetting content. Do not read if this affects you. Sorry for the long time in updating. I kind of got lost with this story. No idea if this works or not, let me know your thoughts!
He silently walked threw the corridors. Taking in the beauty of the castle, knowing this would be the last time he would see it, but feeling happy about that decision. This was the calmest he has felt in months.
He climbed the stairs to the astronomy tower, took his invisibility cloak off and took a huge breath of cold air.
Harry walked to the edge of the tower, and took a step up into the window ledge, heart pounding. Just as he was raising his leg to climb over the metal fence a voice came from behind him.
"Good evening Harry" Albus was stood in the shadows. He took a few steps towards Harry. He hurried to swing his leg fully over the bar before saying,
"Don't come any closer"
Albus stood, rooted to the spot and put his hands up in the air, trying to convey obedience, not wanting to push Harry into anything.
Harry was absolutely devastated to see him there. Tears started to spill from his eyes as his plan crumbled but he still had every intention for the outcome to be the same. He was sat astride the fencing, he glanced down at the drop below his right foot, it was very high, but it still didn't fade the desire to leap off. Harry kept his eye on Dumbledore's feet in case he tried to pull Harry to the floor, but refusing to look at his face.
Albus was trying to find the words, trying to utter anything that wouldn't make him jump, he was dumbfounded, he had never had to talk down a suicidal student, or anyone for that matter. It was even harder because it was Harry, someone he loved and regraded as family. All Albus could see was a memory of the broken 11 year old boy from under the stairs.
"It's a bit chilly tonight isn't it" He finally said.
Albus couldn't remember a time he had ever felt so anxious and he was sure it showed. Being here alone was also not an ideal situation. He took a breath before speaking again
"Harry, look at me" reluctantly he lifted his head up and met Dumbledores pleading face "is this what you truly want? Do you really feel we cannot help you to be happy again?"
"No you can't help me, you cannot take away the memories, the pain, the longing for all this to be over. You don't understand how I feel, my life ended the day Voldemort's curse backfired. I have done my duty, and I will die because it's my choice, not because I was killed by him" he looked straight into Dumbledores eyes "Please forgive me" Harry crumbled on the last word, emotions spilling over his eyes and down his cheeks.
Albus swallowed hard, fighting every urge in his body to grab Harry, silent tears streamed down his face into his long beard.
"But he still wins Harry. He died yes, but he wanted you to die. That was his goal. He kills you through his memory" Albus pleaded "just come this side of the railing and we can sit up here and talk for as long as you need"
"I don't care if he wins, the world is safe, that's all I can manage. Do you think I want to feel this way? I don't. But I don't see any other options. I cannot spend another day feeling like this. Please, I beg you, just let this happen and know I will be happy" Harry answered, ignoring the latter part of Albus's sentence.
"I can't Harry. You are so desperately unwell, this isn't you talking, it's the depression" Albus made to take a step closer to Harry "please, just give me some time to make this better, your option to end your life doesn't go away, but once you have ended your life your option for recovery vanishes"
Harry paused, digesting the words
"But I am so scared professor. I am scared of my own mind. I don't want to hurt anyone else" he paused and took a huge breath "I am just so scared" throughout these words Albus took small steps towards Harry.
"I know you are Harry, and right now I am scared too. But we have faced fears together before, let's do it again" he held his hand out for Harry to grasp it. Harry stared at his hand "Give me a chance to take that pain away. Please Harry"
Harry took his hand, shaking. Swiftly Albus pulled him to safety and Harry crumpled into his arms, sobbing into Dumbledores shoulder. Albus felt physically sick. He was stroking Harry's hair, letting him cry on his robes as he tried to steady his breathing and stop his own tears. After a good 10 minutes Albus knew he had to make steps to get inside, which would feel safer again. He also needed help in case things escalated. Behind Harry's back he sent two white shimmering figures out from the end of his wand, one to Sirius and one to Severus asking for immediate assistance in the astronomy tower.
"Harry, let's go inside and warm up" Harry didn't move, he just continued to sob for what seemed like an eternity to Albus.
A noise from below him alerted Albus that help was on the way and sure enough two figures appeared in the shadows. Stood there, frozen, watching Harry sob in Dumbledores arms, unsure as to what had happened or why they were here. It was Severus that made the first tentative move.
"Albus. Harry. Are you ok?"
"Can you both help me to get Harry to the hospital wing?"
"No! No, I am not going there, no!" Harry screamed and started to thrash out of Albus's grip. Sirius ran to help Albus and firmly held Harry around the shoulders and pulled him into his chest.
"Please don't make me go there, please. I did what you asked, please!" Harry begged
"Ok. I am listening to you Harry and you are right. How about my office?" Harry slowly calmed down and nodded into Sirius's chest. Severus didn't know what to do, he walked forward and tapped Harry on the shoulder
"Do you want to lean on me too Harry?" Severus asked. Harry didn't answer, just held on to his arm. Severus noticed that Harry's sleeve was wet, he assumed it was tears.
The four of them gingerly made there way to Dumbledores office. Albus was in front ensuring they didn't bump into anyone. Harry was still crying. He really truly thought he wouldn't see the inside of the castle again. He felt so unbelievably weak, like he hadn't eaten in weeks. After what seemed like an eternity, they reached the headmasters office. Albus conjured up 4 arm chairs so they could at least sit comfortably.
Sirius lowered Harry into his. He just stared straight ahead, hardly moving, hardly thinking, tears silently streaming down his face.
"Albus, what happened?" Sirius asked
"Harry, shall I answer that question?" Harry nodded slowly at Albus. Albus gestured for them to sit in the armchairs and he gave them each a cup of tea which he pulled from thin air.
"Harry decided tonight that he would attempt to end his own life by jumping from the astronomy tower"
Harry didn't move. It was as if his mind had left his body.
"What?!" Sirius whispered. In a total state of shock
"I am afraid so. He was climbing over the fence when I alerted him to my presence. It then took me a while to convince him to come to safety. And in all honesty, I do believe if I hadn't have been there, he would have succeeded. Would you agree Harry?"
"Yes" Harry managed to say through the emotion "I had no intention of coming back into the castle"
Sirius now also had tears streaming down his face. He stared at his broken godson as Harry admitted that he no longer wanted to be in this world. Severus had never looked so pale, the worry etched deep in his brows. The silence was deafening.
Severus was holding his cup of tea, surveying Harry. For the first time, he noticed that Harry's pyjamas were covered in blood. Mainly his sleeves but he also spotted his trousers were quite sodden too.
"Albus forgive my change of subject but Harry you appear to have been bleeding quite heavily" Severus spoke but it was shaky, he was terrified of saying the wrong thing.
Albus looked down at Harry and saw how much blood there was. He wasn't sure how he didn't notice it before. They all looked at Harry for a explanation, one that they already knew the answer too.
"I'm sorry" Harry said, letting his head drop into his hands and a fresh wave of sobs started.
Sirius climbed out of his chair and knelt in front of Harry, rubbing his arms.
"Let me see" he whispered to Harry
Harry held out his arms for Sirius to roll the sleeve up to inspect. He gasped when he saw Harry's arm. The depth of the cuts was the worst he had seen on Harry. Albus and Severus both got out of their chairs at the sound of Sirius's gasp to look at the damage. Sirius raised the other sleeve slowly and saw a similar view.
"Harry, these are going to need healing properly okay?" Sirius said kindly "do you have more elsewhere?"
"My legs. I am really sorry Sirius. I am so ashamed" Harry said threw tear filled eyes and looked directly at Sirius.
"Now you listen to me Harry. You have nothing to be ashamed of, do you understand? You are unwell. And my god, I am going to get you better. I love you so much Harry" Sirius pulled Harry in to his chest.
Severus and Albus exchanged a worried look. Neither of them knowing what the next move was. Suddenly the stairs to Albus's office started to move and a two panicked faces appeared in the doorway. Professor McGonagall and Ron dashed into the office. Ron was holding some paper in his hand.
"Albus, it's Harry"
At this moment the new voice startled Harry into pulling away from Sirius and peering around the edge of the arm chair.
"Oh Harry" She breathed "Harry, you are ok" she ran to the side of the chair and stroked his head, tears streaming. They all looked at the pair confused
"Minerva? Did something alert you to Harry's danger?" Albus asked
"It was these sir" Ron finally found his voice, as shaky as it was. He made his way over to Albus and handed him what he had been clutching in his hand.
"No please don't look at that" Harry made an attempt to stand up, but he was so week, Sirius was able to easily guide him straight back into his chair. "Please" hysteria taking over again, as he sobbed into his hands, barley managing to take breaths. Albus lowered them to his waist and crossed the room to Harry, Sirius moved out the way and Albus replaced his spot. Ron looked absolutely terrified, he hadn't seem Harry like this before.
"Harry. I won't look at them yet. Why don't you tell me what they are?" Albus had a very good idea what they were but wanted to give Harry the chance to explain
"They are letters. You were meant to read them after I had died. Not now. It's ruined. Why can't you just let me be happy?" Harry pulled his legs up to his chest and continued to sob.
"I am sorry Harry but I will not let you end your life" Albus said so gently.
Ron perched on the edge of a near by armchair, the shock finally kicking in. Albus stood up and whispered to Minerva
"Go and wake Poppy. Explain that Harry tried to end his life tonight and also has several severe lacerations. Tell her he will need sedation to comply"
"Did he actually try to kill himself Albus?" She asked frightened of the response
"Yes he did. I stopped him jumping off the astronomy tower but it wasn't easy and he took a lot of convincing to come back over the side of the rail"
She gasped and held her hands to her mouth
"What are we going to do?" She asked Albus, hoping for reassurance
"I do not know Minerva" he said sadly, starting at Harry who had not moved an inch.
