A/N: Chapter 40! Thanks for journeying through this rewrite with me. I hope you're all enjoying it so far.


November 2008

A couple weeks had passed since Grissom received Sara's video. Since he'd completely broken down and dismantled into rubble. But slowly he was rebuilding his exterior again. Hiding once again behind work to shun the pain, the sorrow. And he was doing well at it too. He was even starting to fool himself into thinking that he could fake his way through the pain.

That is until he opened a letter. His eyes quickly scanned the letter.

Dr. Gilbert Grissom... You have been subpoenaed... People Vs. Natalie Davis... Transfer hearing...Mandated by law to appear...Davis consideration to transfer from hospital to prison.

His breath caught in his throat. Images from the cases flashed before him. Each horrifying scene, every meticulous miniature. And then, Sara—Finding the miniature of her trapped under a car. The despair. Helpless, hopeless despair. It was all bubbling back up to the surface and residing at the top of his throat. That feeling he felt when they found the car without under it. The dead hiker. The footprints. The stacked rocks. Her limp body baking in the hot beating sun. Scraped and sunburnt and lifeless. Then, her eyes flickering open as the helicopter lifted them into the air, high above the expansive desert that she had just trekked over.

He quickly stood and rushed out of his office.


Grissom sat in the courtroom, his eyes catching Natalie's for the first time since her initial trial and sentencing. Sara hadn't gone to that one either. He couldn't blame her. Even he found it difficult to sit here.

"Natalie Davis. You are a serial killer. You crushed the skull of a rockstar while he was eating breakfast. You poisoned an elderly woman. You electrocuted a janitor at a chicken slaughter house. You gassed an undercover cop. And when your foster father, in an attempt to save you, confessed to the murders, you took revenge by kidnapping a CSI and trapping her under a car in the desert. Leaving her there to die. You were captured and tried by a jury of your peers in the court of law. And what was the verdict?"

"I was found guilty but mentally ill." Natalie Davis spoke from the witness stand.

"What does that mean?" The prosecutor, Mrs. Nickles pressed.

"It means that when I committed my crimes, I knew what I was doing was wrong. But after I was arrested I suffered a psychotic breakdown."

"You were diagnosed with catatonic schizophrenia. You don't seem catatonic right now."

Catatonic Schizophrenia. Grissom restated in his head. He'd known this was her diagnosis at the time of her trial but for the first time, he seemed to make a connection he'd wished he made much earlier. Sara had been the victim, yet again, of a woman with schizophrenia. He was certain it was a large part in the trama that forced her to leave Vegas. To leave the job. To leave him.

"I'm taking medications that make that go away." Natalie responded, pulling Grissom from his thoughts.

Sara's mother was on a similar medication regiment, he realized.

"And how do you feel?"

"I feel like I used to. Normal."

"And that is why you no longer need to be treated in a psychiatric facility. You are well enough to serve the sentence you were given with the general population. You are not mentally ill. Not anymore. You're just guilty."

Natalie caught Grissom's eyes for the first time in that moment. They bore into him.

The judge gaveled out, adjourning the court until 10am the next day. Grissom watched as Natalie was escorted out of the courtroom.

"Dr. Grissom." The prosecutor approached him, "Nice to see you. Will Sara be joining us tomorrow?"

"I'm afraid she's not available."

"I see." She paused before continuing, "You know Gil, you were the only person in the room when Natalie had her psychotic break. I need you to testify."

"I can't render an opinion about her mental state. I'm not a psychiatrist or psychologist."

"I'm calling you as a percipient witness. You only have to testify about what you observed with your own eyes. How she was then, how she is now. I can arrange for you to meet with Natalie."

"Okay." His voice was soft and small, "I would like to see her."

The next morning, a few hours before court, Grissom entered the laundry facility at the state hospital where Natalie was being held and treated.

"Hello, Natalie."

"Hello." She looked up from her task to see Grissom standing there, "I wasn't surprised to see you yesterday."

"You weren't?" Grissom's demeanor was soft and understanding. Non-judgemental.

"You want to see me go to jail. I understand that. People who do bad things need to be punished."

"Well, I think you're already being punished."

"Then why did you come?"

"The only time I ever saw you, you weren't yourself. I wanted to see the person you really are."

"Well, here I am. Is Sara going to speak at the hearing too?"

He shook his head, "No, she doesn't work with us anymore."

"Because of what I did to her?"

"I don't know." He shrugged in small movements.

"You're not together anymore?" Natalie read his features and demeanor. It was obvious to her.

"No." Grissom's voice was even smaller now. He'd never confirmed that aloud until this moment. And it stung to speak.

"It is because of me. I can see it in your eyes." She paused before continuing, keeping her eyes on him. "I'm very sorry for what I did to Sara, and to you. My Ernie killed himself because of me. I was wrong to blame anyone else for it."

"Is that how you really feel? Or how you think you should feel?"

"It is how I feel." She placed a folded towel on the pile with the others and continued on to the next one. "Sara shared with me some of her story as I drove her out to the desert that night." Natalie began, her speech staccato. "She told me the violence in her home growing up, about her time in foster care."

Grissom squinted in pain as he listened to Natalie speak. This was the first glimpse he got into what happened that during during the time between Sara being tasered and then found. Sara hadn't spoken a word of it, any of it. He found himself craving more information from Natalie. Wanting desperately to hear what Sara had gone through.

"She told me about her father. About her mother. What her mother did to her... She pleaded with me for her life." Natalie took a moment to place the next folded towel, her hands gliding over some frayed threads. "When she realized why I had targeted her, that I was seeking revenge against you..." She looked back up into his eyes, "She tried desperately to deny your relationship. She didn't know that I had been watching you two for months. That I had witnessed the glances and knowing looks across layout tables and lab techs. That I had seen you two sneak tender moments together daily. Touching each other intimately when you thought everyone had gone home. Touching her always. Her back, her elbow, your fingertips always searching for ways to touch her. She was much better at keeping a poker face then you were. You wore your love for her on your sleeve."

As twisted as it seemed, Grissom enjoyed hearing about this part of his relationship with Sara. A part of his life that felt so foreign and far removed. Sometimes he wondered if it had even happened at all. But here before him, was someone who bore witness. Despite the terrifying reasons for which she had, she had seen so much of their love. A love that was real and pure and raw. His heart ached in his chest as he listened to her.

"She didn't know how much I knew. And she was trying desperately to deny that there was anything romantic between you two. But even in the depths of her despair, begging for her life, I could hear the magnitude of her love for you just in the way she said your name."

"Natalie..." Grissom finally spoke, he was beginning to crumble all over again. The walls he'd worked hard to erect the last few weeks were dismantling. He missed Sara with such a raw depth. And he could tell that this was not lost on Natalie. Was she still punishing him? Was she saying all this to watch him unravel? Or was she being genuine?

"I know." She responded, "It was a horrible thing. But I thought you should know. People really can change. I have changed. And you can too. It seems Sara already has."

Grissom's brows flickered and scrunched as he processed her sentiment before watching the guard usher her out of the laundry room.


"Dr. Grissom, are you here to seek revenge?"

"I don't understand the question." Grissom responded. Court had reconvened and Grissom now found himself sitting on the witness stand answering cross-examination after Mrs. Nickles finished her inquiry.

"Are you trying to punish Natalie for what she did to Sara Sidle? Your co-worker, your subordinate, your lover?"

"During the interview... I did become frustrated..."

"Oh, I know. I saw the police video. You violently shook Ms. Davis when she wouldn't give you Ms. Sidle's location. If you had been alone and unsupervised, you may have just beaten it out of her."

"Objection!" Mrs. Nickles pipped up. "Hypothetical." But Grissom began to answer anyway.

"As I said, I was frustrated. I was afraid for my coworker."

"And lover." The defense added for him. "So you are here for revenge then? Ms. Sidle has since left the department, left Las Vegas and, sorry to hear, left you. Perhaps because of the incident."

He glanced over at Natalie whose eyes were squarely situated on her lap. His heart began to race slightly.

His mind slipped into a flashback. Another time his heart raced into his eardrums like this. He had just stepped outside of the crime scene. His fingers on his neck, pacing, counting his elevated pulse. When suddenly she appeared before him like a vision. He hadn't heard her exit the property behind him.

"You okay?" Her head tilting to the side slightly, just enough to grab his eye line.

"95" was his quick response.

"Excuse me?"

"Normally, my pulse is 70. When it gets to 95 I realize how mad I am. I have 10 people working around the clock on this thing."

"You're too hard on yourself."

No! No! I'm not mad at me! There's a body in there and that guy knows where it is!"

"What's your pulse at now?" She teased. "Want to talk a walk around the block? Get some air?"

"No." his voice softened.

"Clear your head?" She tried again.

"I'm fine."

"Okay."

And then, electricity like defibrillators to the heart shocked through his body. Her thumb stroking his cheek. Her skin on his. He looked up with such confused shock. It was the first time someone had touched him like that, in...my god. Had been decades? His eyes caught hers as her warmth still radiated through him. Her hand had yet to leave his cheek. And when it did, he remembered being withdrawn, like he'd do anything for a moment more of that touch.

As he thought about it now again, he wondered about if he had said yes to taking a walk around the block with her. It would be four more years after this moment that he finally pursued her back.

"Objection! Relevance." Mrs. Nickles tried again. The request shook Grissom out of his daydream. He refocused on the situation he was in.

"Overruled."

"So," The defense tried again, "Are you here for revenge?"

Grissom laughed through a sigh, shaking his head, "I don't care about revenge. I have no stake in the outcome of these proceedings. What has been done... is done. Whether Natalie stays in a state hospital or is transferred to prison... it's at the discretion of this court. I've been trying to believe people can change. Even people who are damaged. But I don't know if they can." He looked down at his hands sadly, "I just don't know." The damaged person he was referring to was himself, and Natalie could see right through him.

After the proceedings were adjourned, Grissom found himself seeking another conversation with Natalie. He wasn't sure why exactly. But perhaps it was to gain a semblance of closure from this.

"You are wrong about me." Natalie stood before him in a new orange prison jumpsuit. Ready to be transferred to the Prison. "I really have changed. And I really do believe that people who do bad things need to be punished." She looked down for a moment, "And I really do think you can too." She added in a near whisper before being escorted off to the transfer transportation.


He took a roundabout route back to the lab. He needed the time to process and breathe. And before he realized what he was doing, he was driving the the streets of his neighborhood. He'd driven home.

Grissom walked into the loft for the first time in nearly a week. He was immediately assaulted by good memories of Sara. His eyes drifted to the coffee table where he'd abandoned the Sunday crossword puzzle last week. Sara would have finished it for him by now, in pen no less. He smiled at the thought.

The loft was painfully quiet. Even Hank was gone. Two years came and went and Peter had returned from Afghanistan to reunite his dog. Everything was changing around him without his consent.

He placed his keys in the bowl and walked straight to the study, sitting behind at the computer. He navigated to his email and began to type:

Would you call me when you can? I don't have a good number to reach you. Please.

He sent the message and sat and waited. And waited. He sat down to read, to occupy his mind but he couldn't focus on the words. Finally half an hour later his phone began to ring. To his delight it wasn't the lab. He took a deep breath, hopeful to hear her voice on the other end of the line.

"Grissom."

"Is everything okay?" Her voice ripped through him. Soft and concerned.

"Sara?"

"Yeah, It's me."

"Sara..." He breathed her name. Her voice felt like home. "Am I? Am I too late?"

Sara wondered if he realized how familiar those words were. How he'd spoken those exact words in that same manner four years ago when he showed up at her apartment after Nick was rescued.

"Never." She whispered the same words now that she spoke then.

His heart swelled. Levity consuming his being. "Really?"

"Gil." She spoke nearly in disbelief. "Are you sure?"

"I am."

She smiled against the phone. "Okay."

"What are you thinking?" She asked after a short silence.

"Where will you be in a month? I think that's how long it'll take me to tie up some loose ends."

"Costa Rica.I arrived this week, actually. I joined a research effort looking at the biodiversity of the region. I'm at the main research facility in the city now. But in five weeks I start a trek up the mountains to work in the field satellite for a month."

Grissom smiled with such ease and lightness. "Tell me." He asked as he leaned back to get more comfortable. Listening intently as Sara explained the projects she was working on, the experiments and observations she was making. It sounded absolutely incredible. And suddenly, the idea didn't feel so scary after all. He let himself get lost in her voice, feel warmed by her presence on the other end of the line. He imagined himself there with her in the sunlight. Cataloguing bugs and critters.

For the first time in a long time, the cloud began to clear over his head. The fog began to lift. He was at peace.