Grissom put down the phone and walked outside. He looked up at the night sky, littered with stars. There was an ache in his chest. A similar ache he felt in the months after Warrick had died and Sara had left. But somehow, this was even more intense. What he'd feared from the very moment he became attracted to her came true. And the heartbreak felt now was worse then he'd imagined it would be.
In the next few months, Grissom would decide to off board from the crew's ship. He needed a change. Anything to distract him from the relenting heartbreak he was experiencing.
So he bought himself a boat and decided he would embark on his own Moby Dick inspired adventure.
"What's her name?" The salesman asked him as he finalized the paperwork.
Grissom furrowed his brows, how did this man know about Sara?
"The boat…" The salesman clarified.
"Oh…uh—" A small smile adorned his lips as the idea came to his mind, "Ishmael. You can call it Ishmael."
"Biblical or Melville?"
"Melville." Grissom confirmed, thinking of both his and Sara's favorite book and its opening sentence You can call me Ishmael. But upon the salesman's question, Grissom realized the other connection Ishmael conjured. The son of Abraham and Hagar after Abraham's wife, Sara, was baron. He sighed at the thought. That once, not so long ago, he fantasized about having a child with her. And now, he didn't even have her.
Before he set sail again, he made his way back to Vegas one last time, he told himself.
"You can let yourself in to grab your things." She'd told him.
"You won't meet with me?"
"I don't think that's a good idea." She confessed. It was her turn to decide what was best for him. So he'd gone to their home while she was working and grabbed some of his items. Books and files and experiments. He stared at the fridge for a moment. At the photo of them at the golden gate bridge. He couldn't help himself, he wanted it. So he took it off it's magnet and placed it in his wallet.
Later that day he made his way to Heather's home.
"You sure you don't mind me storing this stuff here?" He asked again as he brought a second box in from the car.
"Of course not. There's plenty of room in the basement."
"Grandma! Can we go to the park now!?" Alice had come running in.
"Can you say hi to Dr. Grissom?"
"What kind of doctor are you?" She looked up at him, swirling her skirt covered in butterfly patterns.
"I'm a doctor of bugs."
"Bugs get sick?"
"Not quite."
Heather smiled, "Go grab your shoes and we'll go to the park."
"Okay!" She sprinted away.
"Would you like to join us?" Heather asked Grissom softly. She could sense he could use some connection in this moment.
He looked at his watch briefly. He could spare an hour. "Yeah, okay."
The three walked to a park a few blocks away. Grissom and Heather took up a seat side-by-side on a bench as Alice b-lined for the slides. They sat in comfortable silence for a while, watching the girl play and make friends.
Heather looked at him, she could read him so well. Something so few had been able to do in his life.
"You want children? Don't you?" She spoke, noting the undeniable look in his eye as he watched her granddaughter inspecting a bug on the side of the playground.
"No." He shook his head softly.
"Really?" She spoke surprised, not buying his response.
"I wanted kids with Sara." He shrugged in a resigned sort of way. "But without her, no."
"Not even with someone new?"
He looked down at this hands, the pang in his heart was growing more painful, "I don't think I'll ever do this again. I think she was it for me."
Heather placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. She could feel his heart breaking. "What happened, Gil?"
"We wanted different things in the end. And neither of us were willing to compromise on it." He spoke honestly.
Sara dove into work like she hadn't done in years. Pulling doubles and triples and maxing out on overtime. It had been a few months since the divorce was finalized and a lot had changed for her in that short period of time.
She'd gone to San Fransisco for a few days after deciding to move her mother to a care facility in Vegas. She went to completely the transfer paperwork and get her mother moved out. But while she was there she decided it was time to see the people she actually considered family.
"Sara?" Dave stood and walked around his desk. "My god! What are you doing here?" He pulled her into an excited hug, rocking her from side to side.
"I'm moving my mom to Vegas and before heading out, I wanted stop by, say hi."
"Why the change?"
"I bought a place in Vegas, I'm planning to really stay there and… well it felt a little wrong to leave my mother here still."
"So you and Gil are planting roots finally?"
"Not exactly." Sara proceeded to fill Dave in on the state of her marriage—or lack there of.
"Sara, I am so sorry."
She simply shrugged in return. She'd begun to feel a little numb to it all. It was the only way she knew to deal with it.
"I have work. That's been keeping me busy."
"That's the problem, Sara. You don't need a distraction. You need to feel it."
As the months passed she was hoping the dull ache in her heart would start to fade. But it hadn't disappeared like she'd hopped. Her thoughts were consumed with memories of him, their life together, the home they built. Her dreams too. So much so she couldn't sleep anymore. The pain of waking up to find him still gone was too much to bare. So she'd gotten into the habit of taking sleeping pills to help her. The same ones that helped her after Natalie Davis abducted her.
September 2012
Sara sat at the Resturant. Her dress, makeup and hairdo would suggest she was on a date, but she was not. She was alone. Grissom had made these reservations for the two of them months ago—long before initiating the divorce. It was supposed to align with him docking in Santa Barbra.
She woke up that morning on her birthday feeling sadder than she had in previous days. She still took the day off, it was already on the schedule and she wasn't too thrilled at the idea of explaining why she no longer needed the day off.
She felt foolish as she sat there, watching on as a large party celebrated a young woman's birthday with enthusiasm. She felt most foolish because part of her actually expected Grissom to walk through those doors and join her. Tell her he'd made a terrible mistake.
But he didn't.
Her thoughts were interrupted as the waitress approached with a small cake, a single candle perched atop.
"What's this?" Sara looked up at her. While she wanted to believe Grissom had sent it, she knew he did not. He knew better than to present her with a candle on a cake. A mistake he'd only made once in their relationship.
"I, uh, took a total shot in the dark." She looked up to see Tyler Wynard standing there. A smile pulled at her lips, "Please tell me I'm right?"
"Um, yeah actually, you are."
"Well in that case, happy birthday." He flashed her a big grin.
"What are you doing here?"
"I'm in town for a business dinner and I spotted you as I was leaving." He admitted. Tyler lived in Carson City but was often in Vegas for business. "May I?" He asked as he gestured to the seat opposite her.
"Well I guess I should blow out the candle, hu?"
"Unless you want me to sing?" He joked.
"No, no please." She looked at the dancing flame and considered what she wanted most. Only one image came to mind. She blew out the flame, Grissom's eyes prominent in her mind's eye.
"I hope your wish comes true." Tyler spoke, taking Sara away from the image of Gil in her mind.
"Thank you." She smiled back.
The pair shared another bottle of red wine and made easy conversation. She'd first met Tyler two weeks prior and their date had ended with a short make out session in a parking lot. Something utterly uncharacteristic of her. She'd cut it short, though. She wasn't ready. Kissing another man, it felt so strange. So wrong. Each touch of their lips pushed the memory of what Grissom's kisses felt like a little further away. And she wasn't ready to let go of him just yet.
But now? She was starting to let her guard down a bit. She liked that he reminded her absolutely nothing of Grissom. He was young and suave and corporate. Not a scientific bone in his body. And he was handsome with kind eyes. She liked his smile too.
In the elevator he pressed two buttons, 18 for him, 12 for her.
"This is you." He spoke as the elevator door open. But she didn't move.
"Suddenly, being alone in my hotel room doesn't sound like that much fun."
Tyler smiled and allowed the door to close. More red wine. Tyler popped open a bottle and poured two glasses. She enjoyed how easy their conversations were. She liked too, that he was direct. He didn't talk in riddles or quote classic novels. He just, talked. She was sitting on the edge of his bed while he sat on a chair, his feet propped up on the bed next to her.
"What?" She asked as he stared at her. She knew that look. He was undressing her with his eyes.
"You're pretty, you're smart, you're fun… I'm just wondering what you were doing alone on your birthday."
"Well, I'm recently divorced." She admitted, her fingers moved to where her wedding band once sat on her finger.
"Ahh." He spoke in understanding, "So the other week.."
"I guess I just wasn't ready to move on yet."
"And now?" He asked, brows raised in anticipation.
She smiled flirtatiously as she considered his proposition. And just as she was about to respond, her phone buzzed.
"Happy birthday, Sara." It was a text from Grissom and it immediately sunk her heart.
"I—I'm sorry." She shook her head, "I'm going to head back to my room." She placed the glass of wine on the table. "Thanks for saving my night. Maybe next time…" She gestured between them but then left the room and went downstairs.
Once in her room she opened the text again and stared at it. It was the first bit of contact she'd received from him since the divorce papers were filed.
"Thank you." She wrote back as she popped a sleeping pill. And then, a call came in.
"Miss me already?" She answered, her voice rasp with flirtation having assumed it would be Tyler asking her to come back upstairs.
"Everyday."
Her breath caught in her throat. "Gil?"
"Who'd you think was calling?"
"I'm just, I'm surprised to hear your voice."
"I didn't want to call earlier in the day, you know, in case this would't be welcome…" He stammered a bit, "I just wanted to see how your day was... how you've been doing."
"It was fine." She began to undress and get comfortable, the phone propped between her ear and her shoulder.
"Oh, okay… well… uh…"
"Thanks for calling, Grissom." She turned on the shower.
"Yeah… well…" He paused, hearing her movements, "Did you replace the shower head?" He asked, noting how much stronger the water pressure sounded then what was in their home.
"It's good of you to check in but, you don't need worry about me anymore, okay?"
"Oh, okay."
"Goodbye, Gil."
Sara's head hit the pillow hard as the sleeping pill started it's journey.
