2) So Break My Step And Relent

If he killed her for it, at least it would be over. Done. She wouldn't have to deal with the memories or the dreams or the nagging feeling that she deserved to be eaten alive by the sky sharks.

"Rick," Carolyn kept her voice down. "You got a few minutes?"

He'd been changing his shirt, exchanging something grimy for one that at least looked cleaner, and turned as he pulled it over his head. "Yeah, I'm off shift for a solid eight."

He sat on the end of the bed, and she took a moment to be grateful she could sit up and use the wall for a backrest. Having this conversation lying down would be worse somehow. "Not sure how you're gonna feel about this… I guess you already know most of it."

"Ah," Riddick wasn't slow by any means. "You want to know what I'm planning to do about you nearly purging the passenger cabin along with the cargo."

"I…" She sighed. "You know how I knew you'd planned to take the skiff and leave?" She met his eyes, no judgement, just plain facts, "Because before the crash, I might have been tempted to do the same thing."

"You sure about that," He tilted his head, silver eyes gleaming in the half light of the dim wall sconce. "The woman who bullied me into rejoining the human race?"

"Pretty damn sure," Carolyn nodded. "I've been looking out for myself since I was fourteen." She shrugged, "I just…"

"You ain't ever come that close to killing before, even looking out for yourself," He tapped the tip of his finger against his chin as he looked at her. "Tell me what you remember, everything, from when you came out of cryo to the crash."

"I fell," Carolyn began, remembering how dizzy she'd felt, the drugs still making her feel thick in the head. "Owens and I fell, the gravity kicked in…we were hemorrhaging air…something had come right through the hull, through the Captain's tube and on out the other side. Killed him."

That feeling, of knowing she was going to die, crawled like a cold metal spider up her spine and she shivered at the memory. "Got to the bridge…Owens fired up the navigation… Something took a swipe at us…" She focused on Riddick again, his neutral expression a welcome relief from the memories, "We'd fallen into the planet's orbit. That's why we had gravity. Whatever had hit us threw us off course and we couldn't get out of the planet's gravity well."

"Right," Riddick nodded. "I remember hearing you say something hit us."

She'd managed to forget for a moment, that he'd been awake, that he'd heard everything, "I swear…cryo sloughs brain cells…" Carolyn shook her head. "We sent the distress call…our position… we still didn't really know what was going on. Fumbled getting my harness on, my hands wouldn't work…like trying to swim through mud… Owens calling out information on the rock we were about to hit. Closed all the doors, began jettisoning the non-essentials, give us breathing room." She ran a trembling hand through her short hair, "We were shedding altitude so damn fast… Training on a simulator for crash situations… not quite the same…" A deep breath and she tried to steady her nerves. "Blew the deep space drives and it sent the ship into a roll…air brakes managed to stop it… Purged every container I could…couldn't get the nose down."

Tears…she could feel them trickling down her cheeks, swiped them away, smearing the moisture over her cheeks with the heel of her hand, "Couldn't make sense of anything except that…had to get the nose down. We'd be a smear on the surface if I didn't…we'd all die…" Why had she done it? What was wrong with her? "Owens heard the containers drop; told him we were too heavy in the ass…had to get the nose down…"

"And then I closed the vacuum doors to the passenger cabin. Ready to drop that last container. He saw the doors shut, yelled at me, reminded me… and I took my hand away… Told him I'd tried everything else, still had no horizon… Had to get the nose down. Then we jolted so hard…I started to pull it again, but it wouldn't move." Now she couldn't look at him, remembering Owens and his ultimatum, "Owens wedged it open…Told me try everything twice…we didn't just purge the passengers…we argued…" The details escaped her, the exact sequence and words lost in adrenaline and drugs hazing her mind. "He hollered at me…not to touch the lever…"

Carolyn half wished Riddick would just kill her, or had left her to die on that planet, because then it would be over, this guilt, the knowing just how low she'd sunk… "One of the brakes failed…hit the windshield…it cracked but held…until we hit the ground… wind, sand, glass… I lost consciousness…" She couldn't look at him, until his voice startled her into meeting his gaze.

"They say the brain shuts down in cryo sleep, all but the primitive side, the animal side," He spoke as if the words were simply a fact, like gravity or the sun. "'S why I'm awake in cryo…dunno what it is exactly, genetic throwback, mutation, just…general freak of nature but that side of me…it's stronger than the 'civilized' side. Regular folks, like you, like Jack, there's a reason you're s'posed to come out of cryo slow, drugs easing off."

"How does it work in an emergency situation then," Carolyn frowned. What was the point of emergency release if you couldn't function?

"That's the thing, emergency release, ship wakes you, pull the handle, you get a shot of adrenaline and other shit that wakes you up, burns through the drugs…" Riddick looked at her. "You remember pulling your handle? Or did the ship just dump you out of cryo because we got hit?"

"I don't remember pulling the emergency release handle…but with the drugs still in me, I might not," She frowned trying to remember. "The first thing I remember completely is falling."

"Yeah…that's what I thought," He nodded. "So you went from whatever it is keeps you breathing, keeps you alive, to trying to stay alive in another situation." His mouth twisted in what might have been sympathy, those eyes steady on hers, "It's something I'm used to. But you ain't."

"What're you saying?" Carolyn shook her head. "That the drugs were what did it?"

"Not all of it," Riddick shrugged. "I'm just saying that you're in a life or death position, seconds to make decisions and the drugs gave you just enough of a push that something you might not have thought twice about in other circumstances seemed reasonable."

"Owens didn't think it was reasonable," The pilot pointed out dully. "Owens save all of you."

"Owens also had the benefit of not being in the hot seat," Riddick reminded her. "A few seconds more to react." He shrugged, "Look, you made a choice, drugs pushing you, adrenaline and fear like nothing you've ever felt riding you. You did the best you could."

"My best would have killed you," She shook her head. "Would have killed all of you, Jack, the boys, Shazza, Paris…" She looked at him, huge and dangerous, even sitting down he was a full head taller than she was, deceptively relaxed. "I don't know how to live with that."

"Well," He shrugged again. "That's something you've gotta figure out for yourself. If it helps any, you seem to have been doing your best to make up for it ever since. You didn't kill anyone Carolyn."

"But I—"

His patience must've been wearing thin because his hand slashed through the air, "Maybes, almosts, buts, they don't count Carolyn. They don't change anything. Yeah, people died, but you didn't kill them." That gorgeous mouth hardened, "You've gotta live with what you might have done, what you tried to do, and you've got to figure out how to do that for yourself. For the record, we all know what happened and no one, including me, has a problem with it. Johns shouted out that secret for everyone to hear, no excuses. It's done. And you more than made up for it with that suicide run you made for me and the skiff."

"How?" She felt like every bit of air had been slammed out of her. "How do I live with myself?"

"You figure it out, let me know," He shook his head. "Seems like it's part of that thing you wanted, rejoining the human race."

"How do you live with it?" It was a dangerous question to ask, but if the answer helped…

"Learned not to look back," Bald, unflinching. "Everyone I killed, someone's son, someone's brother, or father… I know all their names. All their faces. Every single one of them. And I can't regret any of them because not one of them would have let me stay free. All of 'em would've either killed me or put me back in chains and a horse bit, just for a payday. They don't care what I did or didn't do, just that I got a price on my head."

"You don't care because they were mercs or guards or whatever," She asked hoping to clarify.

"Never said I didn't care," He stared at her. "There's a price, consequences, for every damn thing in this life Carolyn. Price for my freedom, my life, was their lives, and their faces in my head."

"Why did they put you in prison Riddick," Carolyn got up the nerve to ask the question burning on her tongue since she'd seen him chained to a post. "Who did you murder?"

His smile…cold and satisfied…like a tiger that had just finished devouring its kill… "Someone who deserved it." Frost on her skin, through her bones, the oxygen seemed to suck out of the room with that smile and pronouncement.

"And I don't?" Why hadn't he killed her? Just left her as chum for the sky sharks and taken off?

"No," He shook his head and the chill from that smile faded from her bones. "No Carolyn, you don't. If it helps… I forgive you. I heard it all. I don't blame you. Even if you would've killed me. I was ready to leave all of you. You were ready to purge all of us. Difference is, I knew what I was doing, did it deliberately. Decided not to go back. You had no time and impaired judgement when you decided."

Riddick's hand cupped her jaw, disturbingly tender, she hadn't realized she was within his reach, stupid of her. "I don't care about what almost happened, and neither do they," He jerked his head towards the door to indicate the other two survivors. "Maybe give yourself a break?" He stood, pulled the rough blanket up over her waist and made sure her feet were under it. Odd to have a self-admitted murderer making sure her feet were warm. "You might want to talk to Abu. Chrislams seem to have a whole book about forgiveness."

He moved back to the bunk he used and laid down on it, diagonally so his boots were off the edge and his head on the mattress, his forearm for a pillow under his head. He'd used the pillow from his bunk to help her sit up earlier she recalled, right when he'd come in and seen she was awake. Checked her wound, helped her to the head and got her back in bed. Oddly caring behavior for a murderer. He always checked on Jack too. His ladies, he'd called them once, in a teasing tone.

"Here," She winced as she twisted slightly so she could pull his pillow from behind her back. "You should have this."

"Don't," His voice cut across the room like a knife. "I've slept in worse places Carolyn. A mattress is a fuckin' luxury. You need the support back there and the extra pillow will keep you from turning and putting pressure on the wound."

"You are a puzzle Rick," Carolyn shook her head.

"Ain't the first person's said that. Doubt you'll be the last." He pulled his goggles down over his eyes, a clear end to any talking he was willing to do.

Well she'd pushed her luck enough for one day.


Tiào chū fǔ dǐ jìn huǒ kēng, Riddick shook his head. He'd known something was off when the boat picked them up. At the time, he'd been glad of any boat larger than the skiff. Hadn't had the time and space to think about what he was seeing. But all the little things had started adding up.

A huge ship, cargo containers, some full, some not, and plenty of crew quarters but not a lot of skilled crew. That he could pilot and fix an engine in a pinch (at least suss out what was wrong with it) had bought them a room for the four of them, with bunks and sink/toilet combo, and meals. Holy man had positioned himself as a cook and Jack was running all over the ship on various errands.

Nobody realized just how much Jack saw on her trips around the boat. Or how much Imam heard preparing meals. The ship was huge, but Riddick had only counted twelve crew members, including the Captain. An operation like this would take twice that number normally. A legit operation at least.

Smugglers he could deal with. He'd been one, once upon a time, knew plenty of tricks. He'd been a lot of things over the course of his life, seen a lot. This boat… these were pirates. Some of those containers were gun ports cleverly disguised. Reminded him of old Earth That Was schooners, hatches along the sides concealing cannons that could broadside another ship and take it out.

Clever design, but this was not a boat they wanted to be on. And worse, if it came down to it, he wasn't really certain the Captain would be willing to let them leave. He, Jack and the Holy man had proven themselves a little too useful. Carolyn, being a pilot, would also be in demand.

Yeah…this wouldn't be good.


Author's Note: I figured if Carolyn lived she'd have to figure out a way to live with the fact that she'd nearly killed everyone on the ship.

Chinese Translation:

Tiào chū fǔ dǐ jìn huǒ kēng (out of the frying pan into the fire)