21) I See This Life, Like A Swinging Vine

She generally kept her voice low out of habit, Riddick's ears being sensitive compounded by the echo effect of metal walls, decks and hull. Jack had learned quickly once aboard Serenity, that a loud voice did no one any favors. It had only taken one of Riddick's irritated snarls for Jack to catch on. Well, that and Mal gently cautioning her against volume over expression.

That had been a funny conversation to watch, the tall drink of water that was Malcolm Reynolds explaining that it was possible to emphasize a point without raising your voice. Something he conceded that he didn't always heed himself but not for nothing. Now and then the occasion called for a louder volume.

Carolyn had patted Jack's shoulder as she passed on the way to the bridge, "Unless you've lived aboard a ship Jack, it's not generally second nature. You'll get used to it." She'd noted River's half wince at the sound of Jack's voice and wondered if Riddick was the only one with sensitive hearing.

Months aboard Serenity had everyone working together fairly well. Even Riddick seemed to be adjusting to being part of a crew instead of the lone wolf he had been. Not to say they'd bared their souls to the rest of the crew and confessed all their secrets. But they were getting to know each other well enough. Getting to know the ship too. Of course, waking up at all hours with nightmares had helped her with that.

And they'd gotten familiar with some of the idiosyncrasies of the crew.

Mal didn't like to talk about the war. Obvious from the name of the ship, cut and color of his coat and general dislike for the Alliance that he was a Browncoat. But he wasn't interested in war stories, hearing them or telling them. He just wanted to go his way. (He was fond of that expression.)

Zoë would spend short amounts of time on the bridge. She'd sit in the pilot's chair, smile at the dinosaurs, look out into the Black and then leave. Her stoic expression would crack now and then when she did and Carolyn had thought it best to not comment on the raw pain showing through, or the shocking strength of it. River had explained everything when she'd first taken them through the ship. (Died on a Reaver's spear getting the message out.) Nothing more need be said really.

Kaylee seems like the most cheerfullest ray of sunshine you'd ever meet. Happy as a kitten with ribbons or crinkly plastic right up until she'd begun to work on the airlock closest to the engine room. She'd recruited Riddick to help her, with Carolyn handing them tools. The entire time they'd worked she'd spoken only when she needed to, and her face had gone grim and determined. Riddick had shaken his head at Carolyn with a shrug of his massive shoulders once Kaylee'd gone back to the engine room, and Carolyn took that to mean he had no clue what was going on either.

Simon had come up the stairs nearby with a bottle of saké and two glasses, gave the airlock a dire look and nodded his satisfaction. He'd gone back to the engine room and Carolyn had caught a glimpse of Kaylee's face before she buried it in Simon's shoulder. The Doctor had simply wrapped his arms around the woman and held her, his expression etched in a fury that might have matched Riddick's at his angriest.

Inara…you'd have thought a Companion would be the easiest person on the boat to figure out. But her profession made her anything but straightforward. Kind, Carolyn had seen that straight off. The way she'd talk with Riddick for hours, letting him learn Core culture and courtesies from her, and her advice for smoothing out Jack's teenage hormonal mood swings would be invaluable. Should they ever get Jack to listen long enough. Jack still had issues with her combat training and the meditation River taught along with the martial arts. Unfortunately, Inara recommended the same sort of meditation so it could be a while before that happened.

Riddick had mentioned that Inara didn't seem like she'd be staying on Serenity much longer. Carolyn had wondered since Mal and the Companion weren't even making tentative overtures towards resolving whatever it was between them. Apparently even Inara's patience had limits.

And then there was River. Who, along with Mal, Riddick, and Carolyn took a six-hour shift per day on the bridge. Except every seventh day she didn't. Mal took a double shift on those days. Or set the autopilot for three hours and did the extra three. Those days River tended to or do something that had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with piloting. Sometimes she'd work with Kaylee in the engine room, or she'd cook all the meals for the day. She'd use the free weights down in the hold or do yoga or katas of some sort. Every now and then she'd go into her room, and she wouldn't come out for a full twenty-four hours. And on those occasions Simon would do his best to shoo anyone away from the passenger dorms.

That had happened twice since Carolyn, Jack and Riddick had come aboard and while Jack hadn't seemed to notice anything out of the ordinary, Carolyn was fairly certain that Riddick had.


The third time Riddick had hung around when Carolyn relieved him of duty, and she figured he was ready to add his observations to hers. The last time it had happened they'd exchanged looks but hadn't really discussed it much.

"I figured you noticed the schedule right off," Riddick began without preamble. "At first I thought maybe it was because of her age. But she's over eighteen."

"No, that's not it," Carolyn shook her head. "I think…" She frowned thoughtfully. "I think it's needed in some way. But I'm not sure why."

"What've you noticed," He prodded her, more politely than he might have when they'd first met.

"Mal commented once that she told him he was breathing too loud and made him leave the bridge," Carolyn still found that humorous. Most Captains wouldn't take instruction like that with humor, much less actually follow direction.

Riddick chuckled his appreciation, "Go on."

"Those days, the days she's not staying in her room, she doesn't do anything that's really…mentally strenuous, if that makes sense?" Carolyn continued. "And she seems…tired. But not physically. She'll cook, do other chores or work out, but she doesn't read or do anything with a cortex." She regarded him thoughtfully, "You?"

"She gets…its odd," He shook his head. "Her scent… she starts to smell worn down. Like…" He spread his hands, "Nearest thing I can compare it to is when you know you're gonna get jumped, and you get tensed up, preparing for it. And after a while that tension, it wears on you, eats away at your control, erodes reason. Almost to the point where you just can't wind down or relax."

"She thinks she's going to be attacked," Carolyn couldn't see that happening, not on this ship.

"No…that's just the only frame of reference I got to explain it," Riddick frowned. "She frowns a lot more, like her eyes get tight? And she smiles less. Like something is…straining, the more time passes."

"You think maybe it could be something atmospheric," The blonde wondered.

"What, like an allergy," He shook his head. "I don't think so. Her brother would've figured a way to fix that or give her meds to block it."

"That's something else," Carolyn remembered. "She doesn't go into the infirmary. Not if she can help it. I've only seen her in there once, and that was when Simon got hurt. Not before or since."

"At all?" Riddick looked at her and tilted his head. "You're right." He was obviously remembering something. "That job we got…the one after my first stint as a gun hand…she took a bullet, remember? Just a nasty furrow in her upper arm, a graze really. I wanted to take her to the infirmary, have Simon deal with it. Instead, she got Mal to stitch her up in the galley."

"And I haven't seen her taking any sort of medication at all," Carolyn searched her memory for any instance of River taking so much as an anti-inflammatory pill and couldn't find a thing.

"She doesn't like the infirmary," Riddick murmured. "Her scent…it burns with…revulsion, almost fear, whenever she looks at it. When she was actually inside the room… seemed like she was holding onto her nerves with both hands, only kept from flinching because she needed to help her brother."

Carolyn frowned thoughtfully, leaning back in her chair, "I might have an explanation…don't know how close to correct it would be."

"I'm all ears," The convict muttered as he stared out at the stars.

"Growing up…one of the places I landed, there was this girl…she got really bad migraines. Debilitating, dizziness, vomiting, blinding pain," She remembered the near animalistic whimpers of the girl when someone spoke too loudly or turned on the lights. "There were certain things that would trigger them. A few foods, hormones on occasion… But she learned that if she worked her schedule so that she had rest time built into it, they weren't as bad. Or they went away quicker."

"You think maybe something like that?" Riddick clearly hadn't heard of such a thing, but he didn't disbelieve her.

"That's the only thing I can think of. The way she avoids electronics and print, anything that would strain her eyes," Carolyn shrugged. "Maybe River has something similar. And Mal knows it so he's got things set up so she can function most of the time."

"Maybe…" Riddick nodded. "Either way…I doubt it's something she's really got a choice about. Just from her scent, she hates it."

"We could offer to do eight hour shifts that day," Carolyn suggested in a mildly neutral tone. "Mal might appreciate it."

Riddick had stilled slightly as she began to speak and she looked at him oddly until she heard what he had, the sound of boots on the floor grating in the hall. Mal poked his head onto the bridge and gave them both a half smile before leaning against the lockers behind the pilot's chair. Riddick gave the seat a half turn in order to not have Mal at his back and gave the Captain a nod.

"Couldn't help hearin'," The Browncoat nodded back. "Bein' down in the armory, caught part of it when I came up the stairs," He half smiled. "River's…got somethin' like what you described Carolyn." His smile faded, "Ain't no fault of hers. An' nothin' that can be fixed. She can't have most medications so all there is to be done is make sure she don't get overworked. River programs all the star charts into the cortex which ain't easy either."

"And in an emergency," Riddick glanced at him curiously. "What happens then?"

"I've seen the girl collapse, unconscious, and the minute she woke up, go right to work until she dropped again," Mal told him. "River does what needs to be done. Pain or no pain. Zhì zhī sǐ dì' ér hòu shēng, that's her attitude. Afterwards though… it can take a week for her to feel right again. As much as she ever does." That was an odd thing to say… Carolyn pulled her thoughts back to Mal as he continued, "We learned its best that she not fall that low if we can help it. Keeping her on an even keel is the best thing for her and the boat."

"I can take an eight hour shift that day," Riddick offered, his finger tapping his chin thoughtfully. "We all do eight hour shifts, keeps us pretty fresh.

"Or we each do seven and I keep the autopilot on for three hours," Mal looked at Carolyn.

"I'm good with either," She shrugged. "I've worked longer shifts. And since River's the best at figuring the navigation without all the cortex workarounds, we can spare her more time on the bridge if we need to. Maybe when we get new maps she gets them programmed and takes the rest of the day to rest? It don't happen so often that it'd strain all of us and all that programing can't make things easy on her."

"She loves flyin'," Mal smiled his appreciation. "But knowin' the two of you don't think less of her for havin' troubles, and you're willing to help when she does, that'll go a fair way towards easing her mind."

"Like you said, can't be helped," Riddick nodded, and the corner of his mouth quirked up in one of his sardonic half smiles. "Plus, when she takes meal duty for the day, we eat better than any other time besides when Kaylee does the cookin'."

"Can't argue that," Mal nodded. "I'll adjust the schedule. Maybe we switch off, seven to eight hour shifts between weeks. Give us all some more rest now and then."

"We'll make it work," Riddick nodded and stood. "Mean time, I'm gonna go get some rest of my own. Holler if you need me. But holler quietly."

Mal chuckled and turned aside to let the larger man pass, blue eyes thoughtful as he watched Riddick go. "He don't miss much does he," The Captain looked at Carolyn.

"Nope," She shook her head. "Life he's had, I got the feeling that if he wasn't paying attention, he'd wake up dead someday. Zhì zhī sǐ dì' ér hòu shēng, he's fairly familiar with that concept." That was something she could be pretty certain about, given Riddick's experiences in slams. Not really something she could tell Mal.

"Could be said about all of us," Mal watched as she moved to the pilot's chair and seated himself at the co-pilot's station, clearly settling in for one of their chats. Something she'd come to enjoy quite a bit, and so did he from how often they had them at his instigation. "How're things with you?" She grinned and prepared to enjoy the next couple hours conversation.


Author's Note: So Riddick and Carolyn have figured out that something's different about River. And Mal's done his best to allay their concerns (and divert them from any idea of the truth). What do we think?

Chinese Translations:

zhì zhī sǐ dì ' ér hòu shēng (place somebody on a field of death and he will fight to live - common saying based on Sunzi's "The Art of War"; to fight desperately when confronting mortal danger / fig. to find a way out of an impasse)