32) I Loved You With A Fire Red, Now It's Turning Blue
The bridge was a good place to sit in the quiet and just think. Go over the events of the day in his mind. Think over the past week without anyone to distract him. They'd be picking Inara up when they hit Red Sun and Kaylee would doubtless have a lot to tell her.
The haul they'd picked up from the sky shark planet had been a good one. Kaylee and Rick had gotten the sand cat fixed up and various other pieces of equipment had been repaired while they were sailing back to (relative) civilization. So along with foodstuffs they had things they could actually sell which was nothing to sneeze at.
"Bored already?" Rick's voice behind him had Mal startling in his chair and cursing.
"Qīngwā cāo de liúmáng Rick, would you please stop doin' that," He yelped (in a manly fashion) as he tried to slow his suddenly pounding heart.
"Walkin' soft's kept me alive a long gorram time Mal," Rick took a seat in the co-pilot's chair
"So it ain't on purpose," He shook his head at the huge pilot.
"It is and it ain't," Rick shrugged at him. "It's how I walk normally. It's funny when I startle someone, but that ain't the point of it. I gotta remember to walk louder when I'm comin' up on Kaylee so I don't scare the hell out of her."
"Noticed you doin' that," Mal remembered being slightly envious that Rick reserved that behavior for Kaylee.
"She gets too scared," The huge man shrugged again. "When I want folks on the boat scared of me you'll know it."
"We had a…slight incursion, about eight months back, bounty hunter snuck onto the boat," Mal chose his words carefully and ignored the veiled threat(?) implied with Rick's statement. "Seemed to think we had someone of value on board. He…threatened Kaylee, came in through the EVA hatch back there while she was alone in the engine room."
"That's why she was so interested in that alarm workin' right," Rick nodded to himself as if that explained a lot, which it likely did.
"How's Jack doin' with her training now that Inara's givin' her lessons 'stead of River," Mal changed the subject to something a little less close to the matter of his fugitives.
"Better," Rick nodded. "She'd still rather be learning about guns or shivs, but Inara's obviously got experience and expertise so Jack finds learning from her easier." He sighed, "Get the feeling it won't last that much longer though."
"How'd you mean," Mal frowned. "If Inara said she'll teach her, then she will. She don't go back on her word."
"Yeah, I know," The pilot rubbed the back of his neck. "But she said she'd teach Jack until she left. So we've got a limited span here."
"Ah," That was a little disturbing. But at the same time, not unheard of. He and Inara's relationship had stalled at friendly and cordial with occasional forays into bickering. He didn't want to go back to that twisted up, unhappy mess they'd been before she'd left the first time around. And it was becoming more and more obvious that they were too different to really make a go of it. "Maybe she'll be able to learn from River a bit better now that she's gotten some teaching from Inara?" He offered that (very likely forlorn) hope in a not very optimistic voice.
"Yeah… somehow I doubt it Mal," Rick gave him a half grin. "But stranger things have happened. Pigs might even fly."
"Flyin' bacon," Mal smiled. "Like to see that." The idea tickled him enough for a chuckle and Rick laughed along with him, a rumbling avalanche of a sound that could be described as scary if you didn't know Rick. And a little bit even if you did.
He couldn't tell himself that he hadn't seen this coming. He could remember how out of sorts and skewed, miserably angry, he'd felt back when Inara had left the first time. The feeling of the entire 'verse being tilted off kilter, like barely a half bubble off of plumb. The words he'd thrown at Kaylee when she'd been accusing him of driving Simon and River off, 'If I truly wanted someone bad enough, wouldn't be a thing in the 'verse could stop me from going to her'. And how Kaylee had sniped back in a tone that told him he was a bigger fool than Jayne Cobb ever was, 'Tell that to Inara'.
He didn't feel like that anymore. Miserable, warped and furious with the world. Miranda had been terrible and their losses horrific, but he'd come out on the other side of that mess the better for it. He'd won this time. Even if he'd lost the war, he'd won that battle for the truth, and it had eased something inside him that just wouldn't unwind before. It changed how he felt about Inara, about wanting her, about her leaving. It likely hadn't been all that fair to Inara either, back then, to pin all his hopes for love and something resembling happiness on her like his well-being was her responsibility. He'd miss her but it wouldn't be the longing for a love he thought he'd never have.
Mal took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Inara, just 'cause we ain't…"
"Mal, this isn't because of our relationship, or lack thereof," Inara smiled warm and kind. Same smile as always, guaranteed to draw attention and make whoever it was bestowed upon feel like the center of her world. At least for the moment. "It's time. I'll never be sorry I returned to Serenity. But this isn't my place anymore."
"You think you'll go back to the training house," He found himself asking, mostly to have something to say. He didn't really know how to feel, what to say, if he should be arguing with her or not. He didn't know what she wanted and she didn't seem inclined to say it straight out so all he could do was fall back on his instincts and manners, try to make sure neither of them started spitting and hissing at each other like alley cats.
"I might," Inara nodded. "I did enjoy teaching." She turned from him and picked up a pillow, plumping it and settling it back into place. "And that way, Serenity could visit more easily."
"I know we'd be pleased to see you whenever work takes us that way," Mal nodded. There was no denying Inara was beautiful. Stunning really. And she had a kind heart. He'd have to be a dead man to not be attracted to her. But apart from that kind heart, that compassion and beauty and the education that allowed her to twist every man within breathing distance around her little finger…he really didn't know Inara.
He didn't know why she'd chosen to take ship with Serenity. He didn't know why she'd left the Core where according to Nandi she could have been House Madrassa's priestess if she'd stayed. He didn't know what had changed that ambition and desire. He didn't even know why she'd decided to become a Companion. She didn't confide in anyone for all that she encouraged others to confide in her.
Maybe that was a Companion's way. But she knew more about him than most and he knew her no better than anyone else on the ship knew her. He needed more than that and he got the feeling she knew it.
"Would you be needin' help with your packing an' such?" Mal considered the draperies and rich brocade bedding.
"When we go to Ariel, I'll have some people in the Guild come and pack everything," Inara explained. "There may not be a teaching position open immediately so I'll likely stay with Madrassa on Ariel for a time."
"Makes sense," Mal nodded. "I expect they'd know more 'bout how to handle all these fancy things than any besides Simon an' River." He looked at her again. Yep, still beautiful. Still mysterious. "When will you tell the crew?"
"I thought a few days before we reach Ariel," She replied finally looking at him directly. "Enough time for everyone to become used to the idea, but not so much that they begin to hope I'll stay." He knew she was talkin' about Kaylee more than anyone.
"That's probably for the best," He agreed quietly. "You'll be missed around here Inara. There's no denyin' that, an' not just because you're our ambassador."
"I'll miss all of you," Inara smiled. "But it's time I think."
He nodded. There was really nothing else to say. Inara had her reasons for getting on the boat and she had reasons for getting off. He got the distinct feeling that neither one had anything to do with him. And never had.
Kaylee moping was not enjoyable for anyone. Not even the prospect of the garbage dump full of broken machines wanting repair could cheer her up. And Mal had finally had enough. Cornering her while she was cooking in the galley might not have been completely fair, but it was the best he could do.
"Now listen little Kaylee," Mal looked up as Rick walked into the galley and began to set the table as if the two of them weren't speaking. The man was better at silence than anyone Mal knew, including River. River (since Jayne had made a point of mentioning it) did her best to not do anything that could be interpreted as creepifyin'. "Inara had her reasons for coming on Serenity and we ain't ever heard 'em. She's got her reasons for leaving too. Ain't like she and I didn't try… well, sometimes things just don't work out the way you want."
"I'm just gonna miss her so much," Kaylee shook her head as she cooked.
"I know you will. I'm not sayin' she won't be missed," He nodded. "And I know you had your heart set on me an' her makin' up some grand romance. But sometimes life just don't work out that way. Inara is a good, kind, beautiful woman. She knows us all real well." Mal tried to think of how to phrase the next portion of his little talk and sighed, "She's been on the boat more than a year and I don't know any more about her than I did when she came aboard Serenity."
"Sure we do," Kaylee looked like she'd begin to expound all the ways they knew Inara and Mal couldn't take that.
"Kaylee, I don't mean how she takes her tea or that she's got a particular dislike for shrimp ramen unless there's actual shrimp in it," He shook his head. "I mean what makes her Inara. How did she grow up? Why did she become a Companion? Has she ever been in love, really in love? Does she even believe in romantic love? What's she afraid of, what's she want out of life, why did she decide to leave everything she knew and take ship with us?"
Mal sighed, "Inara can turn me into a stumblin' fool quicker'n any other woman I know, 'sides Zoë but that's another story." He digressed a moment and refocused, "And I got no small amount of attraction to her. But that's her job. Her way. To work her wiles. It's how she is. But it ain't who she is. And if I can't know someone, know who they are, how can I have some grand love affair?"
"Ain't no grand love affair if you don't know who you're s'posed to be in love with," Rick offered as he slipped past Mal to the cupboard for the bowls. "Love's nothin' without trust; you don't know someone how can you trust 'em?"
"Exactly," Mal nodded. "Take you an' Simon. If you hadn't gotten to know him, found out what a good person he is under those prissy manners and boob behavior, you wouldn't love him nearly so much. You love someone without knowin' 'em and it's just a flash in the pan. Ain't anything gonna last."
"I guess," Kaylee sighed. "I was just really hopin' she'd stay this time."
"I know little Kaylee," Mal kissed the top of her head. "Sometimes it just don't work out the way we want."
"Ain't like you're never gonna see her you know," Rick added. "She said flat out that we've got her wave address and she'd love for us to visit."
"Yeah," Kaylee's face brightened which was a gorram relief. Kaylee's face weren't meant to pout and frown.
Now they just had to plan (or replan and adjust) for the hospital job.
Author's Note: Well…you can't say that I didn't warn you. I love Inara sometimes, but (without plagiarizing someone else's work) I can't make a romance between her and Mal work in my head. Not without just glossing over everything that I see causes fights between the two of them. And I could leave her on Serenity but in some of the stories I consider canon (written by the show writers) Inara ended up leaving Serenity for reasons of her own.
Spoiler alert: According to interviews I've seen and read the big reason Inara left the Core was that she was ill, she had a disease that was ultimately terminal and she came to Serenity to sort of run away from everything. That was some of the reasoning behind what she says to Simon in 'Out Of Gas', "I don't want to die at all."
So it makes sense to me that Inara leaves Serenity again and no one knows why. She didn't ever confide in them that she was sick.
Chinese Translations:
Qīngwā cāo de liúmáng (frog fucking hooligans)
