33) Am I Bright Enough To Shine In Your Spaces

He'd hoped to avoid having this conversation, but it didn't seem like Mal was getting it and the nightmares were getting worse. For both Carolyn and him. Funny thing about becoming friends with someone, their mood influenced his (at least a bit). And every time (every single mā lege bā zi time) Carolyn started to feel over the top anxious because she didn't understand a situation or she felt like she was in the dark about expectations, she had nightmares. Worse than nightmares sometimes. And he hadn't thought that was possible.

The scent of her fear aggravated his, subconsciously maybe, those instincts that had kept him alive got set on a razor's edge. Which meant when Carolyn got into those dark moods his nightmares almost fed off her fears. Memories twisted up with fear (and yeah tā mā de niǎo he felt fear even if no one else saw it) and damn the nightmares he had… He'd woken up more than once, shiv in hand, ready to gut the threat and it'd turn out to be only in his mind.

It was not good. Riddick nearly snorted to himself, that was a tiān shā de understatement if there ever was one. It was flat out fuckin' dangerous.

Granted, it had taken him a while to figure out the actual problem. He wasn't really given to examining other people for more than how they'd affect him (not for a long gorram time, which, no wonder he had a reputation as a sociopath however erroneous that might be) so this friendship thing kinda forced him into some new lines (or really old lines) of thought. But he'd watched as Mal came up with some of his 'on the fly' kind of plans and noticed that Carolyn's nerves seemed to wind tighter and tighter whenever those plans were the order of the day.

He gave her credit, she had a handle on the problem, mostly. She tried to get answers, the what if questions that haunted her, she'd ask Mal. Tried to set her expectations lower. Did her best to get enough information that she could understand how to deal with whatever trouble came their way.

Riddick had the idea that maybe Carolyn should learn to use a gun, maybe she'd feel safer, but she'd shied away from that, so he'd left it alone for the time being. Most of the time, the problems came up when she was on the bridge, and she didn't exactly need a gun there.

It wasn't personal danger (though he knew damn well that bothered her too) that set her nerves jangling. Carolyn got wound tighter than tight when there was a danger to the crew and the ship that she could do nothing about. She could sit and wait but when he left for a job, he could smell her worry. Then when he got back the bridge would fairly reek with the stench of her fear and anxiety. Funny how what he used to find enjoyable and amusing (back when he was nearly trying to earn that socio reputation) now irritated and worried him. Cost of rejoining the human race he supposed.

She'd sag in relief when she saw they'd made it safely back, but she never completely unwound. Sometimes the nightmares were worse after the job was over than they were before the crew went to work.

That wasn't to say that Carolyn got worked up about every job, though she did seem to worry about that constantly. He'd asked, and hadn't found himself surprised by the affirmative answer, if this was the first boat she'd worked that had a larger portion of less legal jobs than aboveboard work. So, a certain level of worry was normal.

How the hell he'd get this conversation started with Mal was the problem. The man did not like being told what to do. Didn't like rules or being questioned about every little thing and Carolyn asking questions (especially when Mal didn't have the answers) just put the man's back up.

Captain was pretty good at hiding his irritation, but he couldn't hide it from Riddick. Thankfully Carolyn had learned to back off with the questions when Riddick gave her a quick shake of the head to indicate Mal's mood. That solved the problem of Mal not throwing the blonde pilot off the boat out of annoyance. (Not that he thought Mal would really do that.) But it didn't remove her anxiety or uncertainty.

Staring at his empty mug wasn't giving him any ideas either.

River, registering her presence only seconds before she touched his forearm, "He would like more tea?"

He didn't startle, that would've been gorram embarrassing, but he did growl a bit in his chest, purely out of reflex. She didn't seem to take offense though, thankfully. "Nah, I'm good…just… thinking something over."

"Carolyn worries," River commented as she began to make herself some tea.

He should've known she'd pick up on that. River seemed to notice damn near everything he did, sometimes more. "Yeah…" Riddick nodded slowly. "She's…she needs information and when we don't have it…"

"Difficult for her," River sat down with her tea and regarded him thoughtfully. "Crash exacerbates the problem?"

"Also, this's the first time she's ever piloted for a boat that ain't completely aboveboard," He explained. "That works her nerves some too."

River nodded, obviously considering the issue, "Can't always know all the particulars of a job."

"No, but when Mal can't answer any of her questions it don't help," Pointing that out to the wrong person but maybe River could come up with an idea to offset the problem, or at least help him figure a way to explain it to Mal.

"Dislikes being put on the spot, unused to questions," The dark-haired girl murmured. "First time he's had new crew in more than a year."

"He's used to crew trusting him and following because they know him, know he'll get the job done," Riddick hadn't completely realized just how long the senior crew had been with the ship, with the Captain.

"Trust must be built," River nodded. "She will speak with him. Prepare him for the…talk you must have with him."

"I'd appreciate it," He sighed. That was the sticking point for him, how to start this off. Because his usual, 'listen up or I'll kick your ass until you see sense' attitude wasn't going to fly with the Captain, he knew that much at least.

River chuckled, "He is very intimidating, but the Captain is very stubborn." She eyed him up and down and he smirked at the little whiff of interest he smelled on her.

"Mal, stubborn?" Riddick chuckled as he drawled the words, "No…"

He really liked (really Really REALLY Liked) that throaty little giggle he got at that.


River had given him a look when he came onto the bridge in the morning and Mal couldn't help the sigh that escaped. "Somethin's goin' wrong little genius witch?"

The roll of her eyes told him that it wasn't something that would go wrong so much as something that had already gone in the not so smooth direction and he hadn't seen it. He really didn't like when that happened, it gave him an uncomfortableness. (That damn phrase of Jayne's was apt even if it was a grammatical nightmare.)

"Rick is worried," River told him in that quiet voice he knew from experience meant he ought to pay attention. "Worries for Carolyn. Worries about what will happen. Nightmares are hazardous when they haunt the sleep of dangerous people Captain."

"You havin' bad dreams again?" Damn. He'd hoped those had mostly faded.

A heavy sigh and she drew up her legs and wrapped her arms around them, resting her chin on her knees and regarded him with those dark knowing eyes, "Her dreams are as they always were. Others have nightmares and she sees them. Sees the Valley. Sees the Reaver's spear. Sees the Hunter Gratzner crash. Sees children die, helpless to stop it. Other horrors that are not hers to speak."

"All…right…" Mal rubbed his chin. "And Rick's gonna talk to me about that?"

"Put considerable thought into the problem and how it can be solved. Spoke with the girl, explained," River shrugged. "Said I would prepare you for the conversation."

"Uh huh," He sighed again. "Well, I guess I'm prepared."

"No," She shook her head at him. "Will make tea to fortify him." And with that mysterious remark River got up and headed off to the galley, leaving Mal wondering if the 'him' in question was Rick or himself.


The answer, it turned out, was both. Rick came onto the bridge bearing two mugs of fragrant tea and Mal took one gratefully. Might as well give the man his opening, "So River says you've got some…concerns you want to talk to me about."

"Concerns," Rick nodded slowly. "Yeah, that covers a lot of ground I guess, but it ain't inaccurate."

"Well, can't rightly do anything about 'em unless I know what we're talkin' about can I," Mal leaned back and disposed himself to listen.

"It's about Carolyn mostly," Rick set his mug on the console next to a dinosaur. "You might not realize, but this is the first ship she's ever piloted long term that hasn't been lawful as far as she knows."

"That makes her uneasy I guess," Well that really couldn't be helped. They couldn't get legal work that paid enough to keep body and soul together. Not that he wouldn't like it, but it didn't seem to be in the cards for them.

"Ain't the illegality so much, though that plays into it I guess," The huge man sitting in the co-pilot's chair shrugged. "My guess is Carolyn, likely she's always been a worrier by nature." Mal nodded for him to continue. Made sense in a way, the girl had essentially lost both her parents to violence, had to take care of herself, that'd worry anyone with sense. And Carolyn had good sense, generally speaking. Rick took a sip of tea and turned the mug in his hands as he spoke, "And the jobs that we take, she can deal with them pretty well. Has so far, even when we're gettin' shot at."

"She's gettin' better an' better at flyin' us out of a tight spot," The Captain considered himself pretty pleased with how well Carolyn was doing these days.

"You know how River needs time off, away from the bridge and cortex every week or so," Rick seemingly changed the subject.

"What's that got to do with—" Mal stopped. The man wouldn't bring it up if there wasn't a correlation. "Okay, yeah."

"Carolyn… She's got her own issues, not the same as River's but they tend to build up in a similar way," The man sighed as if frustrated. "She gets nightmares. Bad ones. I hear her having one, tends to start mine off. Doubt it does Jack or River or Simon any good either." He held up his hand to keep Mal from saying anything, "The more stressed she gets. The more worried or anxious or…scared she gets, the worse the nightmares are."

"Can't change the nature of our work," He'd give a lot to do legal work that paid well but there wasn't any out there for an Independent ship.

"No, no we can't," Rick shook his head. "But she tries to wrap her head around what could go wrong, asks questions, like…trying to get something she can do to control the problem or help or at least anticipate the issues." He shrugged, "I dunno if it helps her feel in control, or what…"

"I don't always have the answers though," The Captain spread his hands, barely kept from spilling his tea and quickly corrected before that catastrophe happened. "I can't give her what I don't got."

"Look, I know you're used to the rest of the crew, pretty much knowing whatever you get them into, you'll get them out again," Rick grimaced.

"Well, me or River an' Zoë," Mal admitted.

"Exactly," The dark pilot nodded. "Carolyn an' me, there's trust and then there's that bone deep bond you have with the rest of the crew." He pushed his goggles back and winced slightly against the glare from the console screens, but those silvery eyes stared straight at Mal. "I'm good enough to get myself out of whatever mess we get into. Maybe even keep the mess from being too bad in the first place. And God, the wángbā dàn de biǎo zi, knows I've been through enough in my life that I'm used to everything going wrong."

"But Carolyn ain't," Mal realized with a sigh. "Not like things go wrong for us."

"Yeah," Rick nodded. "And just tellin' her, 'hey, I don't know yet, but when I do, I'll tell you', will go a long way with her."

"She needs to know that she ain't gonna be left hangin' out to dry," Mal scrubbed his hands over his face. "Or at least that we're prepared for things to go wrong."

"Which they usually do," Rick reminded him pointedly. "All I'm sayin' is when she's asking questions, I don't think she's trying to poke at you. Questions are all she's got to try and keep from going fākuáng."

"Got it," Mal nodded. "I'll have a talk with her…see if I can explain some."

"Emergencies…those she can deal with okay," Rick shook his head. "It's like when things go to shit right away, she's all right. Giving her time to think about all the ways something can go wrong? I think that's when the problems start."

Mal rubbed the back of his neck and considered that. Come to think of it, Carolyn might have been a little nervous when they had to take off in a hurry more than once, but she hadn't seemed worried or tense afterwards. On the other hand, when she'd been pressing for details on the job a week or so ago, he hadn't noticed at the time, but her shoulders had begun pushing inward, like she was winding into a ball almost. "I'll have a talk with her. Maybe get her to talk with Zoë more about some of our jobs, things we can usually expect…"

"Carolyn's pretty good with details," Rick nodded. "She and Zoë might do pretty good finding jobs together. It'd ease the burden on Zoë some at least."

"And that keeps her fairly informed, or at least prepared for the troubles that inevitably come up," Mal sipped his now cool tea. "We'll give it a try." He'd stay on the bridge when Carolyn came on her shift and talk with her about it a bit. See if she was up for the duty.


Author's Notes: So now we know part of why Carolyn's been so stressed out. I mean, let's admit it, life on Serenity is not for the faint of heart. And if part of Carolyn is stressed about the rest of the crew finding out about Riddick, well that's not something she can exactly admit to Mal is it? But as someone with anxiety that gets a whole lot worse when I'm clueless about what to expect from a situation...even a little bit of knowledge or an outline of potential issues is hugely helpful.

Chinese Translations:

mā lege bā zi (fuck! / motherfucker! / fucking)

tā mā de niǎo (goddamn it /lit. 'His mother's dick')

tiān shā de (Goddam! / goddamn / wretched)

wángbā dàn de biǎo zi (whore's bastard/son of a bitch(insult))

fākuáng (crazy)