My apologies for being gone for a while. Spring, farming and challenging weather are not a good mix. Enjoy!
The sense of disappointment hung heavily in the air this morning, covering all his thoughts in a thick fog of frustration, impatience, and a tiny iota of guilt for not seeing the other car until it was too late.
Esposito reckoned that it had taken a copious amount of luck not to get hurt more in a crash that killed another driver. And yes, the Crown Vic was an inanimate object that would be replaced in no time at all. In the meantime, their sore muscles and shaken bodies would be healing, leaving little evidence behind of the unfortunate incidence.
And yet…their killer got away. Again.
It was a bitter thought that made the bile rise from his stomach, clouding his clear thinking more than he cared to admit.
Ryan had been the support he had needed by his side, whether the young detective had been aware of it or not. Despite the awkward situation surrounding Allison's impromptu visit, it had been Kevin's calming presence that helped greatly when it came to setting his racing thoughts.
Even a couple of hours after he left, the young detective had gone out of his way to send another text message, making sure that he was still feeling ok and reiterating that a certain secret would be safe with him.
Esposito would be lying if he thought the aftermath of the accident would just shrug off his shoulders. Close calls were close calls, and they always served to put him on high alert.
But thankfully this time, he had his best friend by his side, helping to soothe the demons that so inevitably arose whenever his soul was troubled.
While the boiling fury about losing their killer still weighed on his mind, it had been reduced to a slow simmer, yielding his mantra that the next encounter with the illusive criminal would be their last one.
There was however another issue the events the accident had caused- I had made him consider his current path in life. And whether or not he wanted to continue following it longing after women he couldn't have, or sharing it with the one he could.
With his heart beating faster at the decision he was about to make, Esposito held the little white envelope closer to his chest, feeling the thin layer of perspiration form on his forehead.
Everything about it felt selfish, as though he was leaving his friends behind.
But that couldn't be farther from the truth.
All he wanted was a few days to sort his thoughts, sail that ship of emotional upheaval out of the stormy seas that was his life lately, hoping to reflect on everything that had happened since his breakup with Lanie.
He loved her, there was no doubt about it. But he knew deep inside that he'd never be able to commit to a relationship with the gorgeous ME under the current circumstances. Worse yet, they were as good about loving one another as they were when it came to fighting, the latter having worn out his soul over the last year.
He knew he'd never achieve Lanie's high standards and was ready to give up trying. And then there was Allison who appreciated him for who he was, their differences so vast that she became the yin to his yang.
The successful singer didn't need him, but she chose to be with him.
Their mutual affection was a volatile mix of passion, blissful ignorance and shared loneliness. Two vastly different people who ironically enough shared so many life experiences. Her presence made his head spin, his thoughts race and his heart pound in a way very few women ever did.
And it was more intoxicating than any drug on the market.
He just had to spend more time with her, no matter the cost. They'd fly out to the west coast together, giving him precious time to heal from the car wreck while she attended her TV appearances. The nights would be theirs to enjoy. And from thereon out, he could plan their future together, no matter how hard it would be.
Simultaneously, Kevin could still reach him via cell, it's not like he was going to leave the country.
"Detective Esposito. You're in early."
The voice had felt like nails on a chalkboard and he snapped wide awake, finding himself in the side corridor of the bullpen, and face to face with Gates.
With one hand tightly wrapped around her steaming cup of coffee, she studied him quietly, her eyes having lost some of the unapproachable sternness from her early days in this precinct.
"I guess under the circumstances, the earlier the better.", she continued, completely unaware that he had planned to seek her out that morning,"I hope you and Mister Castle remember to take it easy. That was a horrible wreck."
He wanted to stammer a half-hearted thanks but decided to remain quiet, then looked down at the envelope against his chest, never realizing that she'd followed his gaze.
"Detective, I will have you know that despite my professional stance on the matter, I am a huge fan of Allison Banes and couldn't be happier…and prouder that you saved her. But if you tell anybody about what I just said, especially a certain writer, I will have you back to working traffic enforcement."
Thoroughly enjoying the unusually genial conversation, he cocked his head sheepishly, still fighting the heat rising to either side of his neck.
"She's a…a great person…I heard. I mean, that's what people have been telling me."
"Who knows, when this storm settles, maybe she'll treat you to a private concert as a way of showing gratitude. Don't forget to invite your superiors when that happens…"
Almost choking as he tried to remain neutral about the situation, Esposito slowly dropped the envelope, not comfortable bringing up the request during a conversation that would lead to the very reason for it.
Gates had already made it clear that she was against any further media attention in the matter. If word about their relationship got out prematurely, it could cost him his privacy, and with it quite possibly his badge, something he wasn't willing to risk.
"Is there anything else you need from me?", she finally asked and took and overdue sip of coffee, cringing at the bitter taste.
"Ehm…no. Not at…at the moment.", he struggled, keeping his cool while she looked him down curiously.
"Very well. Good luck today, let's hope it's the last day out on free foot for our killer."
