Chapter 8: This is Fine
"All the things I would scream at the top of my lungs
If I wasn't so busy saying I'm fine."
- "Hummingbirds", CJ Starnes
They flew in silence back to the castle. Van was desperate to know what had happened to her while Hitomi had been captured but didn't want to pressure her to talk about it. He gritted his teeth and held her a little closer. She had asked him to do better, and he planned on doing it. Hitomi deserved better than what she had gotten from him so far. He knew that and was ashamed of his past behaviour; he didn't know if he'd have the time to make it right. She had only agreed to stay until the end of the festival, and he doubted she'd be extending her trip after what had happened. He glanced down at her, relieved to see she had fallen asleep. She was probably exhausted and in pain. He was glad she trusted him enough to safely get her back to the castle.
As he closed on the castle, he saw a light on in Hitomi's room. Her friends were likely worried sick and waiting for them to return. He was tempted to circle a little longer, not wanting to deal with the frenzy probably waiting for them. Landing in the window, Van could see Anna and Amano sitting on the bed with arms wrapped around each other. Allen was leaning against the wall by the door. When they landed, Anna, Amano, and Allen raised their heads. Van and Hitomi must have looked dreadful because Anna gasped slightly when they entered the room. Hitomi was caked in dried blood; her hair was matted with it, and her face and clothing were stained a brownish burgundy. She also had matching purple bruises lining each side of her face. She was wrapped in a ratty wool blanket from the camp to provide some modesty as her shift was ripped beyond repair. Her wrists were bloody and rubbed raw from the ropes that had bound them just hours before. Van was uninjured but equally coated in blood. Gently walking Hitomi over to the bed, he placed her gently on the bed.
Holding a soft hand on Hitomi's cheek, he looked at Allen. "Can you wake Fiadh and ask her to escort Hitomi to the baths? She will also need some fresh clothes. Fiadh is not to leave her alone, do you understand?"
Allen looked at his friends, and his eyes were a storm of worry. However, he bowed and walked out of the room. Allen knew an order when he heard it and knew that he and Van would talk about what happened later in private. Anna watched Allen leave pensively; she was nervous about being left alone in a room with Amano, Van, and Hitomi looking the way she did. Both men had hot tempers regarding the girl, and Anna would not be surprised if they got into an argument about the kidnapping and rescue.
Amano was stewing with rage. He was exhausted from waiting for Van to return with Hitomi. Of course, she'd get kidnapped; this planet was not safe. The last time she was here, she was dragged into a war and was on the front lines. Now, she was injured and had been kidnapped, and God knows what happened to her when that happened. Hitomi had always told him that Van kept her safe in her stories, but from what Amano could see, he was doing a piss poor job.
"You broke her." Amano glared accusingly at Van.
"How exactly did I break her?" Van glared back.
"You were supposed to save her. Does she look saved?" Amano retorted.
"I protected her and brought her home. What exactly did you do?" Van snapped back.
"This isn't her home, and you wouldn't let me come," Amano responded venomously.
"Enough!" Hitomi shouted from the bed, "I don't know what your issue is with each other, but you need to figure that out. You are both important to me, and I'm tired of the passive aggressiveness. Amano, Van did save me. I'd be dead without him. I'm fine; this is mostly not my blood. I'm also sitting here and don't appreciate being talked about like I'm not in the room." Hitomi started to rub her temples gently; her head was throbbing, and she was not in the mood to listen to them argue.
Amano looked like he was going to say something else when Hitomi lifted her hand, gesturing that she was not interested in hearing what Amano had to say. "I don't want to hear it. Now, shake hands and be done with whatever is going on between the two of you."
Van extended his hand to Amano. "What matters is that Hitomi is back."
Amano momentarily looked at the extended hand, almost as if he was about to reject the gesture. Thinking better of it and looking back at Hitomi, he grasped Van's extended hand. "I'm sorry. I was worried and acted like a jerk."
"I understand. I was also worried," Van admitted. If Hitomi felt it was vital for them to get along, Van would try.
They were interrupted by Fiadh entering the room with Allen. She gasped when she saw both Hitomi and Van. "Your majesty! My Lady! What happened?"
"Fiadh, please take Lady Hitomi to the baths. She will need some fresh clothes as well. It would be best if you did not leave her unattended. When you have finished, please bring her to my bed-chamber." Van instructed.
"Your bed-chamber, sire?" Fiadh asked cautiously.
"Yes, please do not discuss this further, but Lady Hitomi was kidnapped this evening. I've retrieved her, but I do not want to risk the same thing happening again." Van responded calmly, turning to Hitomi. He continued, "Hitomi, I'd like you to stay with me for the rest of the night."
Hitomi dumbly nodded. She was not used to Van calling her a 'Lady'; it felt foreign to hear that word associated with her from him. She was still not used to his calm authority. Hitomi had heard him be authoritative, but the levelheadedness differed from what she had experienced when they were fifteen. While she didn't love that he told her what to do, it was nice not to have someone else take charge. Her head was still pounding.
Fiadh nodded and walked over to Hitomi. She gently placed her arm around the girl and helped her walk towards the door. Anna was about to follow when Hitomi turned and said, "I'll be fine with Fiadh. Amano, Anna, why don't you both go back to bed? I'll be safe. Van wouldn't leave me with Fiadh if he didn't trust her to look after me."
"All right, if you are sure," Anna replied. Her voice had a small amount of hurt, but she tried to cover it. She did not want her friend to feel guilty. Hitomi had already been through enough.
Hitomi washed the blood off her body and out of her hair. She scrubbed hard at her skin until it was raw and red. No matter how hard she scrubbed, she could still feel Dren's tongue on her neck and Ragnarr's hands on her body. Hitomi wanted to be alone for the first time in a long time. Fiadh was almost more company than Hitomi could handle, and all Fiadh was doing was sitting quietly in the corner. Hitomi did not think she could have dealt with Anna's cheerful banter or Amano's questions. Plunging under the water, Hitomi held her breath and began to count. She wanted to melt into the water and disappear. She emerged from the water only when she could no longer hold her breath. Dressed in a clean shift that Fiadh gave her, Hitomi obediently followed her through the castle's corridors to Van's room. On the outside, she looked calm and collected; on the inside, Hitomi was screaming.
When Hitomi entered Van's room, she was surprised to see how simple it was compared to what she had imagined. Because of his status as king, she assumed all his furnishings would be incredibly ornate or covered in gold. The furniture was all very well-made and likely expensive but utilitarian in style. The bed had a simple dark wood frame and a velvety burgundy comforter emblazoned with the Fanelian crest. Hitomi made her way to the bed and sat down. She stared around, lost in thought. She felt twitchy and uncomfortable. She wanted to run or scream but knew she could not realistically do either. Fiadh sat in the corner, an ever-present guard dog since she and Van had returned. Flopping backwards, Hitomi let out a giant sigh and rubbed her temples. She was exhausted, and for the first time since her arrival, she was homesick. She missed Earth's safety and the steady rhythm of her everyday life. She missed Aaron and Ben and her band. She hated how miserable she felt then, and tears welled in her eyes. Hitomi crawled under the blankets and curled into a ball. She hoped she'd be asleep by the time Van arrived in the room, and they wouldn't need to talk.
After Van had bathed, he returned to his room. He was disappointed to find that Hitomi was already curled up and appeared to be asleep. He had wanted to check with her to make sure she was okay. Dismissing Fiadh, Van lay down on the bed and closed his eyes. He'd talk to Hitomi in the morning. Tonight, he was too tired and wanted to let her rest. Drifting into sleep, Van tried to rid himself of the nagging feeling that Hitomi was not okay or safe. These were constant feelings during the war, but he had not felt them in years. Since her return, Van had had these feelings almost constantly, and it was unnerving how quickly he had fallen back into worrying about her, loving her.
A few hours later, Van woke to a chasm of space between Hitomi and himself. She was still curled tightly in a ball on the other side of the bed. Any farther away, she would have rolled onto the floor. His heart yearned for yesterday morning, before the kidnapping, when they had woken up entwined. He wanted to reach over to her and pull her into his arms, but he was wracked by self-doubt. What if she rejected him? He didn't know what she needed and was terrified of doing the wrong thing. He needed to get up; the festival's last day would start soon, and the ceremony was in a few hours. He had to be there, even though he'd rather stay precisely where he was, with Hitomi. Leaning over gently, he touched her shoulder.
"Hitomi?" He asked gently. His tone was reminiscent of the last time they spoke before she returned home the first time. "Are you awake?"
If she were not facing away from him, he'd have known that she was awake and had never actually fallen asleep. Hitomi's eyes were exhausted, but she kept staring at the wall as if her life depended on it. When he touched her, she did not flinch or react. She hoped that he would go away and leave her to her thoughts. He had been kind to her since her rescue, but Hitomi was not in the mood to be friendly. She was fine but didn't want to deal with the sympathy or careful looks. Closing her eyes, Hitomi tried to even her breathing, pretending to be asleep. Maybe if she stayed "sleeping" long enough, Van would give up and leave her alone. Breathing in slowly, Hitomi counted as she exhaled. One… two… three… but Van stayed with his hand gently resting on her shoulder.
"Hitomi?" Van tried again, a little less tentatively. He could tell from her shoulders' careful rise and fall that she was trying very hard to pretend to be asleep. "I know you're awake."
Hitomi opened one eye very slowly, mentally cursing Van's ability to see through her bullshit. Rolling over slightly, she looked at Van with tired eyes.
Van could see the dark rings that lined her eyes and the deep bruising that webbed delicately down the sides of her face. He swallowed hard, not knowing what to say next; she was expecting him to say something.
"The festival will be starting soon. I have to go to it; the ceremony is today." Van said gently. He left the invitation for her to go with him unsaid.
"I know," Hitomi replied quietly, grateful he did not ask her immediately to accompany him. She was in pain and probably looked as good as she felt. She hoped this meant that she would be able to stay back at the castle.
They stared at each other awkwardly. Their competing desires hung wordlessly in the air. Van wanted Hitomi to offer to go with him. Hitomi wanted Van to tell her she could stay in his room and lie in solitude. She didn't want company right now. She could tell Van was waiting for her to continue her sentence, but she did not have the energy to continue the conversation.
"If you want to come with me, I can have Fiadh bring you some clean clothes." He ventured cautiously. Hitomi's eyes widened with fear at the thought of leaving the castle. Seeing her reaction, Van attempted to correct course. "Or, you could stay here. I could get Allen and your friends to stay with you."
"I'd like to stay here if it's all the same," Hitomi responded so quietly that Van struggled to hear her.
"If that is what you need, can I ask Allen to stay with you? Would you like your friends here, too?" Van asked slowly. He was okay with her staying at the castle but not with her staying on her own. He still had not had the time to deal with the situation from the previous night to its full conclusion, and there was still the chance she could be kidnapped again.
"I'd rather be alone," Hitomi replied. While she knew that idea would not go over well, she did want to at least voice her opinion. "but, if you want someone to stay with me, Allen would be fine."
"I'd like it if Allen stayed with you. I haven't spoken to Cenric yet, and there is a chance that Ba'al and Erebos may try to take you again." Van answered. He gently cupped her face, forcing her to look into his eyes. He hoped that his fear would translate and she would understand.
"It's fine. Is it okay if I stay here? I feel safest in your room." She flushed slightly at her confession and averted her eyes.
Van sighed with relief. He had anticipated a misunderstanding or a fight. They had so many since she had returned to Gaea. He needed her to understand that he didn't want to restrict or control what she did. He wanted her to be safe. Getting out of bed, he walked to the door and opened it.
Hitomi sat up straighter and watched him go with mild curiosity. She could hear the murmur of talking from the other side of the door. She assumed that he was arranging for Allen to stay with her. She hoped he had taken the hint she had left about her friends. She still wasn't ready to deal with them and wanted them to see the festival and ceremony. Despite everything, she did have a fondness for Gaea that even the previous evening's events could not tarnish.
Van returned almost as quickly as he had left. He sat at the edge of the bed and stared at her. Hitomi averted her gaze. The intensity of the moment made her feel awkward. She knew he probably wanted to talk about what had happened while she was at the camp, but she wasn't ready to talk about it. She missed the younger version of him, who didn't want to talk about things. Why did he have to grow up? For that matter, why did she have to grow up? Hitomi would have given anything to be fifteen again when she didn't understand the scope of her danger. Back then, the fantasy of the world mattered more than the danger. She felt paralyzed by time and her inability to move forward. Hitomi felt mangled and maimed by the passage of time. She had wanted to return to Gaea as a mature, fully healed person. Instead, she had returned broken and had been further shattered. Again, she felt her heart ache for the comforts of Earth; things were simpler there.
Van watched her close in on herself. She looked so small and fragile on his bed. He wanted to scoop her up in his arms and never let go. Allen would arrive soon to watch Hitomi while Van went to the festival. Van didn't want to leave, but being king came with responsibilities he could not ignore. He wanted to comfort her, but things became too complicated. Too much time had passed, and she was so hurt. Realistically, he did not know what to do or how to help. He felt paralyzed by the time elapsed since they last said goodbye. These were uncomfortable feelings for Van. As much as he had grown, he was still not used to admitting his limitations.
He was about to speak when there was a knock at the door. This knock indicated two things: one, that Allen was ready to keep watch over Hitomi, and two, that it was time for him to leave for the Festival. Van hesitated to get up; he wanted to stay with her but knew that was impossible. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he rose and walked silently towards the door. Opening it revealed Allen, Anna and Amano on the other side. He gave Allen the same haughty, annoyed glare he had used too often during the war. He looked irritable and angry. Allen, meeting his gaze, raised his hands in seeming defence.
"We ran into Allen on our way to see Hitomi." Anna interrupted, wondering if she was interpreting the situation correctly, as it seemed Van did not want them there.
She breezily pushed into the room, settling her sights on Hitomi. Anna gasped as she took in the mess that had become Hitomi's face. She rushed forward before Hitomi could say anything.
"Has a doctor been in to see her? She's hurt." Anna stressed the syllables of hurt and glared at anyone who dared try to meet her gaze.
"Anna, I'm fine," Hitomi responded more icily than intended. She was sore and injured but also tired of being at the centre of attention. Hitomi wanted to be left alone, and now there were too many people. Too many eyes were looking at her, and it felt claustrophobic. "I want you to go to the festival with Van. I want to be alone for a little while."
"Like hell, we are leaving you alone." Amano chimed in and made his way across the room. He sat on the bed beside her and put his arm around her shoulder. He did not seem to notice when she visibly flinched at his touch.
Shrugging herself out of his hold, Hitomi scooted across the bed. "I said I am fine and want to be alone. I'd like you to go to the festival. Allen will stay nearby and keep me safe. I want to be alone."
The room became hushed, and its occupants stared at Hitomi. She was unusually authoritative and behaving strangely, which Amano thought should give him enough right to disregard anything she said and stay put. On the other hand, Anna felt a flash of hurt run through her body. Hitomi never wanted to be alone, and the thought of leaving her after what had happened was painful. Neither was prepared to willingly. Hitomi jutted her chin and glared at her friends.
"I said, I want to be alone. If that is a problem, I will ask Van to have someone escort you out of the room. I have said I am fine. I am fine." Hitomi continued. Her voice hit awkward pitches as she spoke. Nothing about how she spoke or looked would indicate any validity to her words. Realizing no one was moving, she grabbed a pillow behind her and hurled it at Amano's head. Hissing slightly, she ordered, "Get out."
Van reacted first. He strode across the room and silently grabbed Amano and Anna. Holding them tightly, he marched them towards the door. Once across the threshold, he muttered to Allen to keep an eye on Hitomi and continued down the hall. No one could doubt Van's strength at that moment, especially how easily he corralled the two Mystic Moonlings and led them out of the room and down the hall. Their protests fell on deaf ears until they were out of earshot of Allen and Hitomi.
Hitomi was too embarrassed and tired to behave more maturely than she had when Anna and Amano were in the room. She looked over at Allen, who stood before the closed door and glared daggers at him. "I said I was fine." She spat at him when he didn't move.
"I heard," Allen responded evenly and moved towards the chairs by the fireplace. He sat slowly and looked towards the flames.
"I don't want company." She ventured, frustrated that he was either not catching the hint or was being purposefully obtuse.
"I gathered," He responded, reaching up and catching a pillow midair that Hitomi had thrown in his general direction.
"I'm not going to talk about it," Hitomi added. She looked at him like she expected him to beg her to know what happened.
"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, Hitomi," Allen responded gently.
Flopping back on the bed, Hitomi decided that if Allen was going to stay in the room, she didn't need to talk to him. She stared at the ceiling, silently seething that she couldn't be alone even though, as she had stated, she was fine. Yes, she had agreed to allow Allen to stay in the room when Van had asked earlier, but she didn't think she would be this angry at his presence. She also hated the slight nagging feeling at the back of her skull, which let her know she was being a jerk.
After a long silence, Hitomi sat up and looked at Allen. "You've had a lot of shitty things happen to you."
Allen turned his head quizzically and looked at her. "Yes, if you want to put it that way."
"How do you move past it and get better?" Hitomi asked in a quiet voice that Allen could barely hear above the crackling fire beside him.
Allen sat for a few moments and leaned back, closing his eyes. He hadn't expected her bluntness. Van had told him what happened when he found Hitomi and walked Allen through his assumptions of what had happened to her before his arrival. Allen assumed she had been tortured to some degree and was sure that she was in a lot of pain, both mentally and physically.
Choosing his words carefully, Allen said, "You don't really. It's like walking in a neverending forest. Some days, the forest is dark, and the trees close in on you so tightly that you can't breathe. On other days, the light dances through those same trees, which is the most beautiful thing you have ever seen. The important thing is that you keep walking. There will always be pain, just like there will always be darkness in the forest. Remember that there isn't just darkness, and light will find its way to you again."
"I just want to scream and never stop. I feel this impossible burden from it. I want to tear the skin from my body to feel clean again." Hitomi sighed. "I don't know if I will ever be okay again."
"You can if you need to. Celena did that when she came home from Zaibach." Allen conceded gently. "You do what feels right to you in the moment. Your friends will understand."
Hitomi grimaced slightly at the mention of her friends. "I was kind of an asshole."
She didn't phrase it as a question, and Allen didn't respond that way. "They will understand if you matter to them as much as I think you do. Right now, it is okay to put your own needs first."
They sat in silence for a long time. Hitomi lay back and let the exhaustion of the previous evening wash over her. She closed her eyes and let the scent from Van's sheets envelop her. They smelled like the fields, the same scent she always associated with him. Thinking back to what Allen had said, she supposed that she needed to get comfortable walking through the forest and dealing with the dark. She also needed to stop constantly relying on her friends to be with her. It was time for her to stand on her own two feet and face this pain on her own. The thought both thrilled and terrified her. Slowly, she fell asleep into a welcome empty and dreamless sleep.
