CHAPTER 19
I do not own skip beat. Nakamura Yoshiki does.
~Together in the world~
A sip of a whisper-part three-
When Kyoko barged outside, she covered the few meters that separate the hotel from the beach and run back through the woods-boards path until she landed on the sand and started to frenetically look for the spot where she had saw him.
Left and right. Left and right. And then-
There!
At a few inches of the melodious ripples of dying waves coming and going in a slumbering dancing round under the wavering moonlight granting everything with a mesmerising light silver halation the tide is licking, taunting long toes.
On the crystal-white chilly sand she can see as she approach progressively an extended body barely lightened by the halo of the moon.
Thus, she quickly perceived his long limbs sprawled on each sides of him. Beside one.
His right forearm is hiding himself from the world, laid on his face and the tight appendage seemed strained significantly which his hand sealed on a painful fist at the end of it is a blatant proof.
Kyoko is a few meters distant of the figure.
She is ready to jump to him, she just has to make a few steps.
But she's hesitating.
She's not sure she is the right person to provide help. Or that he would want to.
I might not be the person he would accept to confide in…
Or maybe he just doesn't want to talk about it…
Kyoko was afraid to burden him rather than help him, she didn't want him to feel oblige to talk to her when it was clearly sensitive subject.
I'm intruding on his personal time and issues I won't understand…
What if I hurt him by poking my nose where it doesn't belong…
It's the last think I wish for…
But-…
Still she could not do nothing. She couldn't stay like that and watch him be in such a distress and leave.
She just couldn't do it.
I know I'm not the right person…I know he would need someone else…I know I'm going to cross limits…Yes I know…
But I can't …If I can be of the least tiny bit of help…I want to there for him…Even if he won't ever need me or feel the same way…I just can't stand seeing him like that…
I need to go!
She made the last steps and reached the lay out figure, hesitation gone.
Kyoko studied him for a while then sat quietly on the cold sand and watch the waves moving, the power of mother-nature at work. Distracting her by the art piece of life displayed to her. She really loved the ocean, it was enchanting and captivating to observe.
Minutes ticked by and she could hear him breathing heavily but nothing else. Seeing he didn't seem to have noticed her presence she eventually made some noises on purpose.
He didn't react or showed any sign he had heard her so she turned to his stretched out form.
-Ren? She whispered quietly
Still no answer.
-Ren, are you okay?
She heard him grumble a bit and moved closer. Then she put her hand on his forehead, feeling up for any fever.
At the instant she touched he started to straightening up in a sit-up position and Kyoko could finally see with his face visible at last that he was in a far worse state than before. He had drunk some more at the least but he also seem even more morose and grim than before.
It's with a quite cold tone he replied:
- Didn't I say that I wanted to be left alone?
-I know. Sorry. But I saw you from my balcony and got worried. You don't seem so good, sempai.
He gritted his teeth visibly and Kyoko cringed. Eventually with the darkest eyes she had saw him in a long time he looked at her, not really seeing.
-Leave. I'm not…in a decent state of mind right now.
Kyoko wobbled a bit on her positions seeing his sinister face but maintained them ultimately.
I'm not leaving.
-No.
He seemed to blink in surprise for a second but then his eyes turned colder again, all warm disappearing from them in an instant.
-Leave! I-…I don't want to see you Kyoko!
Ouch. That one hurts. But I'm going to be like a mollusc to some rock…stuck to you!
-No.
-Get. The. Hell. Away! He said very slowly and heavily.
-Nop she said again.
- Fuck off! He growled harshly but a bit desperate.
-How scary but it's still a no.
And indeed he was scary right now but there was more important that her fear. Because he was just trying to scare her so she would leave. In other words, it was just an act.
-Please he said at last.
-No she said gently. I know I'm not the right person to be there for you. And I know you don't want to talk about it. I won't force you to say anything. But I won't leave alone. Not in that state. What are the friends for If not to be there in those sort of situations. And you said we were friends, right?
He hung his head in defeat and didn't say a word.
-Unless it was just polite talk? Which I would totally understand as I'm just a child.
She saw him opening his mouth as to say something before closing it.
-But even then I wouldn't leave.
-No. We are. We are friends he grumbled.
Unknowingly to him, she beamed, relieved.
-Great. Now, how much did you drink?
-A few drinks he begrudgingly replied.
-Precisely.
-Five…maybe.
Not too much for his height but not that light either…
-I see. Hmm…I suppose you don't feel ready to go back, right?
He nodded.
-That's why you should leave, I just-
-You can sit on it. I'm going nowhere.
He breathed out heavily.
-Fine he agreed.
Not like I let him a choice anyway…
She sat back near him letting the waves tickle her toes too and for a while they quietly watched the ocean. The atmosphere nearly peaceful if not for the knowing reasons that brought them here.
-You are not going to ask anything? He finally questioned after a moment.
-You don't want me to.
He sighed. His hands were again framed into angry fists.
-Right.
His reply sound so stretched and tortured she couldn't help to add something.
-But I would gladly listen.
When a puzzled confused expression marred his face in answer to what she said, she decided to speak it more clearly.
-Hmmm…how to say this?
Kyoko didn't want to be too intrusive or forceful.
He has to see it's just a proposition…
She turned to him and came even closer to him. Her heart was beating fast and she was blushing.
She shook herself trying to right her thoughts.
Not the time…No the time…Now is about him…About helping him…
Delicately she took both his hands into hers until he relaxed his fists and she tightly hold his fingers into her hands.
He raised a foggy dark lost look at her with questions in his eyes.
-I won't ask questions you don't want me to ask but If you wanted…If you ever wanted, Ren, I would gladly listen to what's worrying you…I know I'm surely the last person you wish to confide in and the least adequate one…But if It can help…If listening can help…
Ren's eyes were looking at her with great astonishment, surprise was in them, wonder too and maybe she was imagining it but a bit more warm seemed to there as well. His eyes were never leaving her, following her every gests and to avoid getting to self-conscious she continued hastily.
-I know it might be presumptuous to propose something like that but-…I you were willing to confide in me, I promise I wouldn't judge you and even I wouldn't say a word to anyone about what you will have said.
He was fixing her with such an intensity she didn't know what to think or what he was thinking about it but when one thing she knew was that she was blushing.
-Of course, it's not an obligation. Just…A proposition. So that you know that if you ever feel the need to talk, well…My ears are free anytime. To listen. And just that She finished with more and more embarrassment.
Maybe I shouldn't have said anything…It's not my business after all…Why is her starring at me like that...?
Stop starring at me!
For a while, he seemed to be frozen in some sort of stupor, looking at her without moving a lash, without nearly breathing.
Then, all of sudden he grasped at her desperate force and look at her straight in the eyes and Kyoko understood that all this time, he was probably pondering the pros and the cons and now must have reached a decision.
He hanged his head then quietly said:
-I'm not sure I would know how to.
Ignoring her growing blush, Kyoko move forward and sneaked herself on her knees between his bend legs and sat, never letting go of his hands. Knowing unconsciously that not breaking contact was important at this moment.
-Okay she said.
-It's not very appealing nor a fun story.
-Okay.
After a short time he asked with urgency in the voice:
-What if you don't like what you hear? You might hate or fear me after that.
Startled Kyoko blurted out:
-What? No way.
Oups…It got out before I even noticed…How could I ever hate him after all…
He blinked with surprise and smiled weakly.
-How can you be so sure? What if I'm a monster? What if did monstrous things before?
Kyoko thought about it for a second.
-Hmm…But it doesn't change the person you are now, right. And from what I know this person is pretty good.
She saw him blush a bit at that but he also looks a bit more relaxed.
Cute…
Argh…Focus… Focus.
It doesn't change what I might have did or have been he still concluded.
Stubborn fairy…
Kyoko pondered a bit on that and finally came with an idea.
-I'm persuaded that whatever you will say won't change my view of you Kyoko finally declared but maybe I can convince you if I share some things too.
He looks like a lost puppy now…hihi
-What do you mean by that? How would it helps?
-Because, I might have guessed a few things while with you during Heels' period work.
His face paled so much then Kyoko got worried she precipitated him on the other side, into Hereafter.
-Bad things I supposed he muttered darkly.
-Just things Kyoko corrected.
Worried, he looked at her and demand:
-What things?
-First, I might have guessed you were fighting against yourself and feeling guilty about something.
Ren nodded, seemingly relieved.
-What else? He anxiously demanded.
Kyoko scratched her face, infected with his anxiety.
-What else, Kyoko?
-I might have grasped she began,
-Yes?
-…That you were feeling guilty because of someone's death that might have died because of you she timidly replied.
He studied shell-shocked that she had guessed that much.
-You are still there he said bitterly.
Kyoko's smile was a pained one when she answered.
-Yes, I'am. I won't leave.
Kyoko could see even in his drunk-state he couldn't understand why. Why she was still there, why she wasn't afraid. But that didn't matter at the moment.
-So, are you going to tell me? She demanded.
He raised his eyes at her with wonder and she smiled reassuringly at him.
-Okay he murmured very softly but firmed.
She nodded without a word, bewitched by the atmosphere and his soft tone.
-I don't know where to begin he said after a while ruffing his hair with a hand. He looked very slightly intoxicated but it was barely noticeable.
Maybe that's why he's more talkative…
-Why not with the beginning? She proposed quietly.
He chuckled warily and looked at her again with fear in his eyes.
-It's gonna take a while he opposed.
-I'm all ears. I have all the time in the world.
He grimaced.
Kyoko sensing he was still wary of her reaction put her hands on his shoulders.
-I'm not here to judge, Ren. I won't. I will just listen.
He sank his eyes into her golden ones and nodded. He took a deep breath and started to speak.
…
-"You know Tsuruga Ren is a stage name. I'm actually not completely Japanese. I have grown up in another country until my sixteen year old. There, Show business and acting is very competitive. I was born from very famous parents. They were and still are very wonderful, very loving and sweet parents but they were also very busy. Growing up with them I quickly discovered my love from acting and started making my path into business. I loved acting and wanted to become an actor as great as my dad".
He smiled sadly at that.
-"It's after that, things became complicated. When I would get a role, directors would expected me to act at the level of my dad or to just act like my dad. Or I would discover that I was hired for the role just because I was my dad's son. With time passing it would get stuffing and progressively I would get more and more the impression that people didn't expect of me anything but to be a copy of my dad. Not to be my own person, not to have my own way of acting. Just "Do like your dad". His shadow was just too big for me to have my own place.On the side, I also got bullied a lot, fired a lot because I wouldn't abbey the directors of because of the bullies. I already knew several martial at that time but I was taught to net use them to fight and more importantly I didn't want to trouble my parents with my problems. So, for a long time, I just take the habit of not defending myself".
A genuine but nostalgic smile crossed his face then and Kyoko wondered what he was thinking about.
-"Then teenage years begun and I met Rick, a goofy three years older than me actor. I was twelve at that time. We quickly became friends and he sort of took me under his wing for a while. He would teach me about a lot of things. He taught me to not be a chicken, he pushed me to defend myself in front of people that would target me".
A painful frown and a grim expression made their appearances on Ren's face and Kyoko could guessed that now was when things got a turn for the worst.
-"Time passed, Rick became my best and mostly only friend. I was having more and more difficulties in the industry, getting fired all the time or not even going anymore. I wasn't talking much to my parents anymore because every single time I would be with them, I would know how to face them, I was afraid to disappointed them so much. They knew I wasn't okay but that's the most of it. I was hiding as much as I could from them. Frustration had grown; anger too".
-" I could never go freely, I was stuck because of expectations, of false rumours and my own incapacity to take some step back from the situation. The bullying had shifted to outright fight at that time and though I still wasn't defending myself, my thoughts had turned a lot more darker; I was feeling so much hate everything else was fading".
-"Then one day, I just-…Broke…I got rampaged on them. I was so angry, so fucking furious, murderous even, I fought…Or more like I made a mess out of them. Out of my former bullies. I didn't just defend myself but beat them out until they couldn't stand, couldn't even stay conscious…And I enjoyed it. I very much enjoyed it. It was pure madness but I was in such crazy furore I was having fun beating them all there was no more me, I was only murderous folly…At that time, a part of me got twisted…Got so dark its beyond redemption".
-"On the day, Rick was there because he had guessed I was getting ambushed again. His fiancée Tina too. He started to make me stop because I was getting too far in the beating. Then the leader escaped. Cedric Bennet".
-Yeah, that explained my reaction of earlier Ren said when he saw Kyoko angry face.
She had known. She had known from the beginning it might be him or that he might be involved but still it was far more worse that she had imagined.
That scum…
Kyoko looked back at Ren and waited.
He sighed with pain and his shoulders started to tremble. Kyoko rubbed soothing circles on his back with one hand.
-"I run after him. He was the main reason I had been bullied and had suffered. I crossed a road and continued to run then I had heard the shrieking sound of brakes behind me and I looked back just in time to see… Ri-…Rick's bo-body being rammed by a car before flying high in the air".
Kyoko had put her hands in front of her mouth and her tears had begun to roll when she closed her arms around Ren's shaking body.
-"He was already dead before we could called for help but I rushed back. I remember wanting to put back all his blood in his body, knowing he would need it, I remember thinking that he couldn't be dead, he was the most alive of all."
Kyoko hold him tighter and pulled at his pullover's fabric vigorously as he continued.
-" I remember Tina holding Rick's body against her and screaming at me it was my fault, that I should cease to exist instead of Rick, screaming I was a murderer, which was true".
Oh Ren…
Kyoko breath hitched but he kept going.
"-After that, it's a bit of a blur. I know I was utterly broken and stayed into shock for weeks. I didn't care about anything anymore and the only reason I didn't attempt to-…well…finished things…was because I didn't care enough about being alive or not to do something about it. At that time, my father called boss, ah, Lory Takarada, to help. The boss came and sent me a lifebuoy in the sort of a proposition. I could stay here mourning or I could come with him and reinvent myself under another name and start again acting in Japan without the support of my parents and without anyone knowing our connection until I would come back proudly on my own. I accepted and left with only my passport in my pocket. Without even saying goodbye to my parents."
-You know the rest he added at last.
He had detached himself from her at the end of his story and his head hanged low, he wouldn't look at her. He was too afraid of her reaction, of the face she would make.
-Now, can you still say I'm not a monster? I'm a murderer at the least. It's pretty much the same in the end.
Tears were flowing down on Kyoko's face and she was openly crying.
He suffered so much…He lost so much…It made so much more sense with Corn's story now that I know…He genuinely thinks he's cursed and bring only pain to others…He's still blaming him for his friend's death…
He had told me all of this so calmly, if it wasn't for the shaking, nothing would have seem out of ordinary.
Through his words she had begin to see what sort of child he had been, a kind and quiet one, already driven by acting but one that had taken the habit of closing everything inside until inevitable explosion…
After sniffing a bit she still managed to reply.
-Sorry but I disagree.
Ren swiftly lift his head to look at her.
-What do you mean?
-You're not a monster. Neither a murderer.
Ren blinked with surprised for a second.
-How can you say that? How can you be so calm about it? I killed someone. My best-friend died because of me.
-No, you didn't.
-Of course I did. Didn't you listen to what I said?!
-I listened to every word of it. But you didn't.
-I did. He died because of me.
-Oh, was it you who were driving?
-No. But it doesn't change a thing. It's still my fault he half-scream with guilt all over his face.
Oh my poor fairy…You are still torturing you…after all those years…
Kyoko looked at him with a constricted smile.
-No. It isn't your fault.
-Kyoko, don't try to pity me or reassured me, I know it's the truth, I don't need to have been the driver to know it.
A beautiful foxy glint appeared in the eyes of Kyoko and she shrugged.
I give up…this habit if totally engraved in me now…Damn you…
-Okay. So if I understand you clearly, you wanted the death of your best-friend, right?
Ren looked at her with a shocked pain looked
-What?! Never I would do anything to take back what happened that day. I would even sacrifice my own life if it could bring him back. Why are saying that, Kyoko? After everything I told you how can you ask me something like tha-
She smiled with kindness though a bit of ruse stayed there.
-Because you are telling me it's your fault.
-Because it is he said, his tortured expression telling just how low he thought of himself.
Oh no boy…I won't let you self-destructed yourself…You are mean to fly in the sky, high …So that everyone can see how wonderful of an actor you are…And how kind of a person you are…
She took his face into her hands.
-Do you know what a murderer is?
-Kyoko! He said his broken look more stricken than ever.
-Ren, please.
-It's a man who killed someone his raspy sandpaper voice said.
It's a man who caused the death of one or several people Kyoko corrected and wanted them to die. Were you driving the car? No. Did you wish for him to die? No. Did you scheme with the driver to kill him?
-Of course not! But-
-But what? How can you think you are a monster? A murderer? When you are still blaming yourself for his death. Years after it happened. When you are still forbidding yourself any happiness as a punishment.
He shook his head frantically, refusing to accept what she was saying.
-You are wrong. It's just normal. It's normal I pay for what I did, it's normal I don't deserve happiness after that. I robbed Rick of his life and both him and Tina from happiness.
Kyoko grabbed him by his shoulders and rose on her knees to be at eye level.
-No it's not. Because it wasn't your fault. You didn't end Rick's life. You didn't want him to die. A murderer wants to kill, a monster doesn't have a conscience, Ren. Death doesn't haunt those sort of people. They rejoiced in it.
He shook his head again.
She took his visage in her palms again, forcing him to look at her.
-It wasn't your fault she repeated. You didn't end your friend's life. His own choices did.
-What! You are blaming him for his death?! Ren yelled outraged.
-I'm not. I'm just saying he knew what he was doing when he crossed that road she calmy replied.
-What do you mean? How could he-
-It was his choice! Ren! His choice, not your fault! Kyoko yelled this time.
-No. NO! no-no-no. You are wrong.
-Why?
-Because! Because he was there because of me! He involved himself with me and that got him killed. That's why I'm cursed. How can you not be disgusted at me?!
He was shaking so much, blaming himself so much for the death of his friend.
Did he even allowed himself to grieve…?
God! If you think I'm gonna give up on you like that…You're going to see another thing coming…
-Yes but it was still his choice. His. Not yours she said again.
-Or did your force him to come that day? She asked to taunt him again.
-No. no-no-no. But it was because he cared, he shouldn't have care. He got killed because he cared.
She hit him, her frustration in front of his stubbornness growing.
-Ren she murmured, he didn't got killed because of you, because of his care but for you, because he cared more about you than about the risks he was taking. He wanted to prevent you to going too far, to make a mistake; it was a gift not a blame he gave you that day.
Ren's eyes were growing impossibly big and Kyoko saw for the first time she was going through his incommensurable guilt and pain so she continued before the fogginess of guilt catch him again outside of reach.
-Just before, you said to me you would give your life to prevent him for him die, right?
He nodded slowly.
-There are different types of friends, some that care about you until some point and other that are unconditional ones. Ren, if it had been me instead of Rick, I would have made the same choice, I would have put safety aside and risked everything if I had thought you were in danger and If something had happened to me on that path, I would never have blamed you for my choices Kyoko said the voice trembling with hidden emotion.
Ren's eyes went enormous with shock, fear and panic before he yelled at her while rocking her wildly:
-Don't ever say that again! No one should ever sacrifice his life for me trying to rob her of her right to make that choice.
He then circled her in his arms, holding her tighter and shaking more strongly than ever.
I would have Ren did it…I would always do it…
How can you not see your own light?
-Ren Kyoko whispered after holding him for a bit, If it had been you instead of Rick, if your places had been swapped, would you have risk everything for him?
-Of course. He was my friend Ren said with tremor.
-Then Kyoko added with a sly smile but with tears coming again at the suffering she could feel from him, if something were to have happened to you while you were trying to help him, would you have rendered him responsible of what would have happened to you?
Ren didn't even miss a beat.
-Of course not. It wouldn't have been his fault; it would have been my responsibility, my-…choice.
Kyoko detached herself from him and tilting her head on the side with the most tender smile he had ever seen on her she spoke:
-Do you see now?
Speechless, he tried to speak, to protest against her reasoning…But,
He couldn't. She was right.
-No. No.
His eyes blinked several times, trying to refuse this new verity, this new perception.
-Yes.
In vain.
Because accepting it would mean accepting his disappearing and it was the most unbearable thing to imagine.
He laid his head against her shoulder, not quite believing it but tired of fighting, tired of denying a new vision that was already making roots in his mind and heart. Then gentle arms closed up on him and caressed his back nearly soothing him to sleep with the warm feeling emitting from her until something hit him again.
-I'm still a monster though he added with bitter acceptation.
-Oh why is it like that? She quietly asked, her voice muffled as she put her face in the crook of his neck.
God! This situation is becoming very dangerous very fast Kyoko thought. She was feeling drugged by his scent but mostly after hearing all that the only thing she wanted was hold him against her until the end of times.
-Even without Rick's situation, I nearly killed several people and I enjoyed beating them.
-You had every rights to beat them up, they had hurt you for years, you had the right to defend yourself and it's not that unexpected that once you actually started to reply to them and fight you got loose on them after everything they did to you she said pushing aside his arguments and Ren felt her waved one hand in the air above them like it was nothing and Kyoko sensed he was tensing again.
-It was very wrong of me to do that. I would have killed them without the intervention of Rick. I think you are being too indulgent on me he protested with irritation.
-I'm not she huffed in a half-smile before pulling apart to Ren upmost disappointment. I never said it was the right thing to do she said looking at him. Well you could defend yourself, that was even a must but yes beating them into pulps might not have been necessary. What I'm saying is it was understandable that you couldn't limit yourself to fend them back. Not good but understandable, human. Something that can happen when someone had been hurt very badly and is confronted with his tormentor. I don't see how else you could have reacted honestly after being hurt that bad.
-More maturely. Dropping the fight he answered bitterly.
-You were sixteen and you are human Kyoko murmured, you are allowed to mistakes you know.
He grumbled but didn't have anything else to argue.
-And more importantly, I don't think you could have killed them even without your friend's help.
-I assure you I would have.
-Nop. Ren, you told me you have mastered several martial arts. Don't go telling you didn't until when you could go. If you had really wanted them to be dead, well, they would be dead.
-You're so persuaded that you are a monster but that's not the man I see from this side. The death of your dear friend was a tragic accident; he decided to take all the risks for you and unfortunately got hit by a car. Nothing of this would ever make it your fault. You have to believe this.
Kyoko looked at his sorrowful face all crumpled in pain and raised her hand to caress his cheek her thumb.
He gazed at her and put his hand above the one on his cheek, rubbing his face on it and Kyoko tried to ignore her accelerating heart.
-Did you ever even allowed yourself to grief? Kyoko asked with gentle worry.
He averted his gaze.
-I don't have that right.
Oh Ren…
She raised again on her knees and made him look at her again.
-Of course you have that right. You know how I said it was for you he did all this and not your fault.
-Yes and?
It's going to hurt him…
She frowned in agony on the perspective but it needed to be done if she wanted to even slightly help him.
-Don't you think you should thank him for his efforts rather rob yourself of happiness. He made this choice for you, for your future, for your happiness and here you are forbidding you of all for what he sacrificed his life.
His expression got so much grieve stricken and shocked that Kyoko wanted to take back her words instantly and he turned his face away. His hands were shaking She persisted.
-Ren?
She knew he heard her but he wouldn't look at her.
-Ren?
He turned to her with apprehension.
-Knowing that, Don't you think that rather it would be good to honour him and in homage to him to thank him by being as happy as you can be in this life, by being as happy as for two people, for you, the life he saved and for him the life that was lost. For the happiness he won't have in this life. It's not by punishing yourself you are going to give him tribute. He didn't take all this risks for you do that. Do you understand?
How can you think it's your fault…adorable idiot…
He's just too kind for the world he grew up in…
Right at this very moment Kyoko could see the realizing and acceptation finally sinking. Slowly, very slowly, little by little she saw in his eyes as he was beginning to believe her, to understand her words and to accept her view. She saw the very moment he couldn't deny the truth in her words when he stopped looking away from her with guilt. His vision of it was shifting smoothly on its axe and his eyes were clearing.
-You really think so? He at last asked her with a sheepish look.
She chuckled a bit.
-Yup. It would be the best way to thank him.
-Right.
He still looked a bit tensed but he was slowly seeming to relax.
-So? Now, are you going to allowed yourself to grieve?
He looked at her puzzled before understanding what she was talking about.
-I…Maybe…I don't know how to…
God Ren…How could you ever think of you as a monster when you blamed yourself like that…
-Well. You can scream, shout and cry to the face of the world your pain for example. The concept is to evacuate the negatives emotions like anger, guilt and sadness she whispered in a breath.
-I see.
He looked so perplexed by the notion Kyoko nearly laughed.
When was the last time he let go of his emotions…?
Did he ever cry since he was little…?
The boy she remembered from his memories was already incredibly mature for his age.
-You can also ask for me leave to do that…Or for comfort if you wish for it…Well if it helps you…
-I would like that he muttered after a few seconds.
-Which one?
-…
-A hug he eventually said.
Kyoko agreed without a word and approached him before finally embracing him in her arms, pressing him strongly against her in a moment where her emotions got the best of her and she felt assaulted by all the pain she was feeling for him.
At a moment, she didn't know when, his shoulders had shrunk and he had sealed his arms around her waist before crushing her in a gripping bear-hug so strong she was barely breathing. Holding her for dear life like she risked disappearing. Not that she cared.
She was in his arms. And more importantly-
He's finally grieving.
She was rubbing soothing circles on his back when she had felt it.
She had felt Ren's body quake violently, like it was in a storm then he had shivered in chilling fashion and then finally, finally; the dam broke the torrent of emotions he had kept inside and after a few short quickened breaths, quiet fat drops began to fall in her neck.
Her own tears started to fall in sympathy and she grabbed at him strongly while crying for him, with him.
He didn't say a word. He just cried soundly in her arms.
That's right. Let go. Let go.
But sometimes his breath would shorten again and he would hold her tighter.
At the end though he started to talk, muttering in her neck again and again incoherent things until she was able to decipher some of them.
-He shouldn't have died. He shouldn't have died.
Again and again. He repeated it.
-I know she simply answered.
Then later.
-I don't want to forget him because I'm accepting to…He whispered.
-Accepting he's gone doesn't mean to forget or give up on him. You will just relearn to really live. You won't ever forget him.
Other tears came and he eventually murmured:
I miss him.
God Ren! Kyoko cried surprised at the amplitude of his sorrow while he was finally releasing all of his pain contained for years inside, shaking and choking a bit even at last.
With the man she loved in her arms crying for the first time in front of her, more vulnerable as ever; Kyoko suddenly had an epiphany.
She realized she couldn't stand to see him that hurts, to know that he lived so much painful moments in his life, she couldn't stand it.
She didn't want to see him that sad ever again.
Never again.
She wanted him to be happy. From the bottom of her heart she wished for him to be happy. And in one infinitesimal second she realized her vision had shifted, changed. Definitively. Kyoko discovered that now she didn't care so much with who he could be, with who he would be. As long as he was happy.
That she was now ready to see him with someone else and would even manage to be glad for him if he'd found happiness with that person. And to even wish for him to find that person.
Oh, it would kill her little by little, very slowly and agonisingly when it would happen and she would be jealous as hell and it would hurt more than anything she had ever known.
Even more. Because with every moment spent with him learning to know him more, he was becoming more precious for her and the love for the incredible person he was kept growing exponentially with little details she got from him. Her heart was melting in infinite tenderness at this very moment.
Still, now she knew, she rather be tortured by her forbidden feelings than seeing this man miserable or alone until the end of his life.
Later on.
Kyoko had seen he was slowly calming down and was ready to let go. Because really, it was too comfortable being in his arms and holding him in hers and that was dangerous.
But for an obscure reason, he didn't seem to let go because when she tried to detach herself, he just grasped at her tighter.
-Give a minute.
-Okay.
Wait.
Could it be…
No way…
Could he be embarrassed?
Kyoko tried to look at his face by the side and he turned his face the other way.
How cute!
She giggled inwardly. She still had time to see his eyes were all puffy.
Well, it's still not as flagrant as when he has a raccoon mask…she thought with a smile when he started to wiggle.
...
PS: I was planning to end this chapter with the little bit that still needs to happen there but it was getting too long so the part of this will be post in next chapter. Then it should have like three to five chapters more and we will begin the second part of the story. If what I planned go through well, there will be three parts in this story. The first one being the shortest of them all XD. I'm not suited for short.
Ah! Don't get this the wrong way…
Thank you Kaname671 for putting a review after every chapter, I love them very much and get impatient to know what you will think of this one and this one XD.
Thanks also to Kotoko-98 and enolaisa.
Thank you to everyone for the reviews.
Sorry for not answering, I'm concentring on writing next chapter or writing my novel most of the time so some time I just don't have time but I love them very much and I'm always moved by your words.
The last little bit of this long chapter should come soon. Kisses.
