This is my attempt at writing a story in the first person. Don't be surprised if it shifts into second or third person randomly. I reread the book, Manuscript for Murder, where Jessica's house was burned down and thought I'd make a few adjustments to the story to help move it in the direction it should have gone. I was listening to "temporary home" by Carrie Underwood when the idea popped into my head.
I've been feeling unsettled for a few weeks. Not unsettled exactly, more like nervously anticipating something but I didn't know what. I've been writing mystery novels for a few years now but one thing I haven't been able to do is solve my own problems as easily as writing a few chapters.
You see, I've fallen in love with my best friend. It's not the worst thing that has happened to me over the years but I wasn't prepared for the crushing guilt. I've been told a number of times that my late husband, Frank, would want me to move on. He actually told me so himself but I had always been faithful to him. Affairs are pretty commonplace nowadays but when we married, I never looked at another man in terms of desire. We were devoted to each other.
Frank would tell me when a woman flirted with him or offered up herself to him. I forgave most of them because they were unaware he was married and once educated on the matter, most would be embarrassed, mortified, etc. My Frank was a handsome man so it was simply a matter of appreciating a fine specimen of a man. The few women that knew he was married, I kept my eye on and let them know, subtly of course, that I would not tolerate their encroachments.
No, marriage to Frank was wonderful. Our disagreements were few and easily settled. Once I learned I wouldn't be having children, he was able to assure me that I was all he needed. Eventually I believed him but I was grateful his nephew, Grady, came to live with us.
You could have knocked me over with a feather when I stood in my kitchen, pouring Seth Hazlitt a cup of coffee, and had the urge to run my hand across his shoulders before sitting down. The way I used to do it with Frank. Ever since then I had been mulling over my feelings and came to the conclusion that I had fallen in love. My heart rate increased whenever he was near. I surreptitiously stared at him when he wasn't looking. I went out of my way to find things we could do together.
Even worse, as soon as the revelation struck me, I began dreaming of Frank again. He used to be in my dreams almost nightly but eventually those dreams tapered off and now he just popped in every few weeks.
Far more worrying was I had been avoiding Seth as much as I could without him having a clue. I tried to act normal when around him but I wasn't sure I was succeeding. Several times I caught him giving me odd looks.
Last night things changed, at least for me. I had an erotic dream and it was about Seth. Or rather he was the star of the performance. When I woke up, I cried for a few minutes. I felt I had been unfaithful. I know I can't control my dreams but I wondered how Frank would react if I dreamed of my husband again.
Frank and I had a wonderful sex life. He eagerly fulfilled my fantasies and since he passed away I had a few dreams about him that were very passionate. I missed the physical aspects of our life as much as I missed him.
It didn't stop me from thinking about the dream though. Perhaps I was just in need of an orgasm. It has been a few years and I'm a healthy woman. I've had the occasional kiss or meaningful glance aimed in my direction but I never followed through with any of it. What would Frank think? I had moved on with my life, in most ways at least, but getting physically involved with someone else? I didn't think I could do it.
Unfortunately for me, I wasn't able to focus on my feelings for Seth for very long. Once again I got involved with a mystery and this time the culprit set my house on fire. I just stood there watching my possessions burn. The first and only house Frank and I purchased was on fire. I wanted to burn up with it. I watched as the flames licked skyward, burning mementos and photographs I would never be able to replace. I could walk through my house blindfolded. I could picture Frank in each room.
I saw him sitting in the easy chair by the fireplace, reading the newspaper and shaking his head. I saw him at the kitchen table fixing lures and telling me which lake he planned to fish next. I saw him fresh from the shower with a towel wrapped carelessly around his waist, shouting for shampoo.
Most of the town seemed to turn out for the blaze, staring in awe at the destructive force of the flames. The volunteer fire department worked valiantly to make sure the house next door didn't catch on fire. They were working on my house as well but it was obvious it couldn't be saved.
I felt an arm wrap around my shoulder. Seth had arrived and offered silent support. We stood there, together until dawn was breaking. Most of the people had gone home but I wanted to know if even a small portion of my house was salvageable.
The fire chief, David Logan, told me it was a total loss, although I could see it for myself. I was dressed in my pajamas with my robe and slippers with my purse. Funny that I grabbed my purse out of habit when I was escaping the house. I wish I had grabbed a photo album or my jewelry box. The pearl necklace I wore at my wedding, a gift from my mother, is gone now. I pulled my cell phone out of my purse and dialed a number I regularly used. The department store in town is owned by two brothers and I urgently needed a wardrobe. The news of my house fire had already spread through the town and I didn't wake the owner. He was already awake and drinking coffee. He assured me that he would go down and unlock the store for me.
Seth drove me to the store and left me to shop while he went to the hospital to do rounds. It was six in the morning and I was tired but I felt grateful for having so much support.
It didn't take me long to purchase a few outfits, underwear, sleepwear, shoes, and assorted odds and ends. I called Hill House to book a room for the foreseeable future and waited on Seth's return. I had changed into an outfit and a pair of sneakers as I didn't want to call attention to my attire any more than necessary.
Seth took me over to the diner for breakfast. I couldn't do anything else before nine AM so we had time to kill. He passed me a bag filled with basic toiletries from the hospital.
"Jess, you know I have the room so why don't you bunk with me while you deal with the necessary hassle with the insurance company?" asked Seth.
"I reserved a room at Hill House. It will be months before I have a house again," I countered. I wasn't concerned about a scandal associated with moving in with Seth. I was worried about the dream and what it could lead to if I stayed near him for a long time.
Seth looked at me shrewdly, I thought. "Jess, no one will blink if you stay with me. It would be expensive to live at the Hill House for what could end up being an entire year!" He struggled to keep his voice low.
"Seth, I've been homeless for twelve hours. Once I have more information and get my bearings I figured I'd ask Eve to look for a rental house for me." I probably shouldn't have spoken so bluntly. The hurt look on his face made my stomach drop. "Please don't be angry with me."
He pushed his half eaten plate away and sipped his coffee. I lost my appetite as well. I knew once I was alone in my room I would give way to my emotions and I really didn't want to have a crying jag in the middle of the diner.
"Ready?"
I nodded without looking up. I felt him pause and he used his fingers to lift my chin up. I heard him sigh but I couldn't look at him. I stood abruptly and headed for the door.
He paid the bill and caught up with me at his car. The ride to Hill House was silent. He helped me carry my packages to my room and placed them on the bed.
"Jess, I don't want to upset you more than you already are. It's been a horrendous night for you and I'm sure you want a shower and your bed." He looked around the room. It was spacious and lovely. "Why don't you get settled in and we can discuss things next week."
I tried to smile but it was probably more of a grimace. "Thank you, Seth." I kissed his cheek and walked to the door. A squeeze of my hand and he was gone.
It was a temporary truce but it was better than getting into a disagreement where we would be overheard by other patrons in the adjoining rooms.
I took a long shower that helped to make me drowsy. It was exhausting keeping the tears at bay so I wasn't surprised when a few escaped while I was getting into bed. I needed to think about Seth's offer or at least a better excuse to give him but as I drifted off to sleep, no ideas popped into my head.
When I woke up it was well into the afternoon. I needed to shake the cobwebs from my mind so I dressed in my new sweat suit, put on my jogging shoes and went for a brisk walk. Everyone I encountered told me how sorry they were about my house, offered to help in any way they could, and wished me well. It took two hours before I finished my walk.
Seth was waiting in the lobby when I returned.
"Jess," he greeted. "I thought you might want dinner."
"I just need to grab my purse."
"You won't need it, Jess." Seth steered me back to the doorway and I saw his car parked in front. I had missed it coming in. I thought we would go to the diner or to the new Italian restaurant in town but instead he drove me to his house. I looked at him with interest.
"I figured a home cooked meal might become a rare treat so I cooked," supplied Seth.
I thought he was trying to give me reasons moving in with him was a good idea so I cautioned myself to stay alert and on guard.
It was a quiet meal. I told him the fire chief said he would have the report ready for my insurance company tomorrow so I'd probably spend the day on the phone. I needed to disconnect my telephone service, no point in having a monthly bill without a phone or a residence. I'd have to rely on my cell phone.
I needed to call my publisher, thankfully I hadn't started my next book yet but this might delay things. I relayed my thoughts to Seth and he assured me that whatever I needed, he would help.
We settled in his den after dinner. He sat in a stuffed cloth recliner and I sat on the small sofa. It had been a few years since I had been in the room but it looked the same. The faded rug on the floor had been chosen many years ago by his late wife, Ruth. I didn't think he would part with it even if it were full of holes. The coffee table had been their first furniture purchase after they married. I knew Seth polished it with beeswax. I felt my eyes well up with tears.
I never thought I was overly materialistic but knowing I wouldn't have anything to show for over thirty years of marriage suddenly filled my thoughts. All my gifts from Frank for birthdays, anniversaries, and Christmas were gone. My jewelry, my one crystal vase, my watches. Although Seth was my closest friend, we didn't burden each other with too many problems. We shared many pleasant conversations, went to town functions and enjoyed ourselves. Outside of a few political rants, we didn't engage in many emotional pursuits and I felt guilty and a little ashamed that I couldn't control my tears.
I covered my face with my hands. I rarely cried. A death or a major illness to a loved one and I would shed a few tears but I had broken into outright sobbing and couldn't stop. I felt Seth gather me in his arms and rub my back but it only made me cry harder. It was not a pretty cry either. This was a nose-running, blotchy faced, can't catch my breath jag and Seth probably regretted inviting me to dinner. He was talking but the words didn't make sense.
I felt him get up and the loss of his arms made me shiver. He returned quickly and I felt a jab on my bottom. He wrapped me in his arms again and this time I placed my arms around his waist. I soaked his shirt with my tears and then I felt myself getting drowsy. He had given me a sedative. I reminded myself to be angry about it when I woke up and drifted off to sleep.
I woke up disoriented. The room was dark but it wasn't my bedroom. Then I remembered my bedroom was gone. I was staying at Hill House but it wasn't my room there either. I sat up and realized I was still wearing my sweat suit. I pushed a blanket off me and smiled when I discovered it was my one and only afghan I knitted when I took a class after the community art fair. I had given it to Seth for Christmas after he made fun of it when it was completed. Yes, the rows were uneven and there were a few dropped stitches but I thought it was good for a first attempt. His laughter had been genuine and unexpected and I found myself laughing along before giving him a face of mock anger and taking my afghan away.
I needed the bathroom and headed for the doorway. I knew I needed the room next to his bedroom so I tiptoed down the hallway. I wasn't sure what time it was but the house was dark and his bedroom door was closed. I passed the guest room and paused. The door was closed and I thought maybe I was confused. Maybe the bathroom was first, then the guest room, and then the master bedroom.
The floor creaked beneath my feet and I paused, listening. I didn't want to wake Seth. I opened the door and turned on the light. Seth was asleep on the bed but immediately popped up. He was out of the bed before I could turn off the light and leave. I saw his faded blue striped pajamas before his arms were around me again. We almost never hugged and for him to do it three times in the same day, I must have looked awful. I wanted to fix my hair but his arms held tight.
He pulled away and looked me over. I stood there while he checked me over visually.
"I was looking for the bathroom," I explained.
He led me out of the bedroom and next door. I went inside, closing the door, and hoped he wasn't standing outside listening. I washed my hands and face and looked in the mirror over the sink. Swollen, red eyes, blotchy face. There was a small clock on the shelf above the toilet. Two-thirty in the morning. I took a deep calming breath. Tapping on the door reminded me Seth was on the other side of it. The clock read two-forty-five. Where had fifteen minutes gone?
I opened the door and turned out the bathroom light. We walked to the den and he sat in his chair while I sat on the sofa.
"I thought you had thrown out this afghan," I said.
He smiled and didn't comment on it. "How are you feeling?"
I pondered the question. I decided honesty was still the best way forward. "Not too great."
"One of the reasons I offered for you to stay here is because I didn't want you alone." Seth's statement was so matter-of-fact that I wasn't sure if he wanted to sound disinterested if I stayed or not. "I know you aren't crying over a few appliances or wall to wall carpeting. That's not you. No, you're crying over the loss of your photographs and the wood carvings Frank made."
I looked up, surprised. When did Seth become so insightful?
"Woman, I know you. I know what's important to you. I know you'll fret over the toaster I repaired every month for the past three years and think nothing of the cuckoo clock the town gave you after teaching so many years."
If you don't want me bawling all over you again, change the subject," I admonished. He rolled his eyes.
"I can't, Jess." Seth sighed and looked sad. "Keeping it inside and letting it fester will be much worse later."
I stared into his knowing eyes.
"Everything Frank and I worked for is gone," I whispered. "We skipped vacations, saved every spare dime to buy that house. We furnished it slowly over time. My parents gave me a bedroom set they claimed was sitting unused in a spare room but I later found out they bought it just for us." I sniffed. "It's like losing him all over again. He lived in every room, touched every piece of furniture."
"And you still have him, deep in your heart. It's where I keep Ruth." He touched his chest for emphasis.
I took a deep breath. It was the middle of the night and Seth probably had to go to work in a few hours.
"I know it isn't Christmas but I have a present for you that I think I need to give you now."
I looked at him, surprised. I'm always receptive to presents so I found myself eagerly waiting. He left the room and returned with a paper bag.
"I haven't wrapped it yet but I think it will be okay just this once."
I practically grabbed the bag from his hand. "Thank you, Seth." I opened the bag and reached in, pulling out a picture frame. A picture of Frank and I standing in front of our new house on the day it became ours. It was in a new frame.
"I smuggled it out of your house last week to have it framed. I didn't think you'd notice."
I looked at Seth, helplessly. Here comes the waterworks, I thought as my eyes welled up again. I stood up and blindly reached for him. He came to me and I hugged him, sobbing and laughing, before looking at the picture in my hands again.
"I tried to say, 'you wonderful man', but I'm not certain I made myself understood. I grabbed his cheeks with both of my hands and planted such a kiss on him. I'm not sure who was more surprised but I didn't regret it.
Seth was beaming when we broke apart and I blushed but held my ground. I waited to see what he would do but he led me back to the sofa and sat beside me.
"You will always have your memories, Jess. Those aren't easily replaced." Seth was rubbing one of my hands between his while I nodded. "Now tell me why you refused to stay here."
"I don't want to inconvenience you. It's hard being a houseguest. I get inspiration during the night when I'm working on my book and I can't keep you up all hours when you need your sleep so you can work in the morning." I decided to give it to him straight. "I don't want to wreck our friendship. I know how hard it is adjusting to someone in your home. When it's a week or two, you know when a person is leaving, but like you said, it could take a year…"
"If I lost everything, Jess. Would you offer me a place to lay my head at night?"
"Don't do this, Seth."
"I know you cherish your independence but it's okay to accept help. It doesn't make you a dependent."
I was losing our disagreement. "And when I want to walk around in my underwear?"
Seth's eyebrows rose. "I'd like to watch or if it doesn't bother you, I can join you wearing mine."
I was thinking hard. "Seth, why were you sleeping in the guest room?"
"I cleared out the master bedroom for you, Jess." He shrugged his shoulders. "It's larger and there's room for a desk in there if you want one."
"Seth, you're just the sweetest man ever."
"Now don't go ruining my reputation, woman," grumbled Seth.
"I'll try not to get in your way and I insist on paying you." I was firm and I could see Seth struggling internally.
"Deal but you can only walk around in your underwear if I'm home," bargained Seth.
I smiled and agreed. It looked like I had a home for a few months. I hope Seth and I can be room-mates as well as friends.
"After I do rounds this morning, we'll check you out of Hill House and do some more shopping. I know you woman, you're going to want to shop for steel pajamas and a teflon robe so I can't sneak a peek."
I laughed. "You won't need to sneak, Seth, just knock on the door." I walked down the hallway toward the master bedroom with a smile on my face. Staying here will be healing and maybe there'll be a new development between us. A few minutes later I heard the shower and Seth's voice singing "Let It Be". Who knew he was a Beatles fan? I have a feeling I'm going to learn a lot more about Seth.
Writing in the first person is hard. I have ideas for another few chapters but it will have to wait until I can share more than Jessica's pov.
