Hello, everyone. I hope you enjoy this latest chapter. Sorry for any delay. After working on this chapter for a few days, there was an error in my auto-save which deleted more than half my progress, which in turn got me a bit unmotivated to work on this for a while.
EDIT: Okay, not sure why, but for some reason it posted my old version that got deleted half-way through me working through it rather than the newer version I made. Sorry for the inconvenience.
The Z-Warriors, their friendly gods, and the tyrant sit to watch the next retelling.
The disclaimer plays.
Kaiserneko: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
Vegeta's eyes widened, remembering this village and what had happened there.
"Something wrong, dad?" Trunks asked, looking up, noticing his father's look.
"You… might want to cover your eyes," Vegeta said. "I'm not exactly proud of what happened here."
The scene starts with a Namekian village with a large group of villager outside.
Namekian Villager #1: And that's the story of the great drought.
The Namekian children laugh as Vegeta lands in the middle of the village.
Namekian Villager #2: Hey look, a visitor!
Namekian Villager #3: Oh, boy! We love visitors!
"They're… friendlier than when I actually met them." Vegeta winced before looking at his son.
Namekian Elder: Now, now, don't crowd the young man. Why, hello, good fellow! Welcome to our fine village! You look like you're not from around here. You have to be careful; word through the grapevine has it that some unruly characters have been going around and attacking our villages. By the way, would you like to see our Dragon Ball? It's our prized possession; sacred on this planet. So, what brings you to our village?
Vegeta is seen smirking, then the opening sequence plays. Afterwards, the scene shifts to Vegeta walking away from a destroyed village, showing many deceased Namekians on the ground and the sound of a fire burning off-screen along with the voice of a Namekian screaming in pain.
Dende and Piccolo glared at Vegeta, who looked away as the rest of the Z-Warriors gave him pained looks as well. It's been so long, even after seeing his evil side during his and Nappa's arrival on Earth, this was a truly ruthless thing to do to innocents.
Vegeta: Life sure has a way of working itself out. I find Cui, I kill Cui. I find Dodoria, I kill Dodoria. I find this Dragon Ball-
He throws the Dragon Ball into a lake.
Vegeta: I take this Dragon Ball. Let's see what else I can find...
He flies from the destroyed Namekian village and the scene shifts to Krillin, sensing the massacre.
"Difference in sensing it and seeing it," Krillin said.
Krillin: Sweet crap! Did you feel that, Gohan?!
Gohan: Uh yeah, but... maybe we shouldn't-
Krillin: Man, Vegeta just ended that village!
"Is narration really needed after that?" Tien asked.
Gohan: Krillin, seriously, you-
Krillin: I didn't think he needed to kill them either; they didn't even put up a fight.
"We get the picture," Chiaotzu said.
Gohan: Krillin!
Krillin: What? I—
He looks behind himself and notices Dende who is completely shocked.
"Yeah… that's just rubbing salt in the wound," Dende said before looking at Krillin, a pitying look on his face as Krillin groaned from his on-screen self's actions. "At least they're alive again now. So… silver lining?"
Krillin: Oh, cripes. Um... Hey, listen. They may be dead now, but they've all gone to a better place... Heaven. Where everyone has their own little house, and everything is wonderful, and we all get along and there's puppies and kitties and-
Dende: This sounds totally asinine.
Krillin: It totally is...
Goku shrugged. "Upper world does get rather boring once in a while."
"You should try hell," Frieza said. "Do go straight to it and stay there."
Gohan: Hey guys, I think I might have an idea. Frieza and Vegeta need all seven Dragon Balls, right? So what if we just found one and hid it away? Then neither of them could make their wish.
"It wouldn't have lasted," Frieza shrugged. "That plan would only last till more of my troops arrived and brought new scouters. Then I would have hunted you for sport. Or I suppose I could have had my men raze the planet until you came out of hiding."
Krillin: Hey, good idea! But we also need someone who can help us out. Little Green...
Dende: Dende.
"Not gonna lie, I'm not that much of a fan of that nickname as well," Dende said.
"C'mon, Little Green," Krillin teased. "It suits you, even now."
"Even when I'm taller than you now?" Dende teased back.
Krillin: ...do you know anyone on this planet who might be able to do that?
Dende: I know of one... person. He is called the leader of our people; the eldest Namek. It is said long ago when our planet faced a great drought, he led our people through the peril. It is said that it was terrifying.
Gohan: The drought?
Dende: No...
Dende frowned. "Does that imply that the Grand Elder was terrifying? Disrespectful."
Krillin: Well, Gohan, looks like this is our only choice. Stay here and protect Bulma.
Bulma: Oh, now you care.
"I thought you didn't like danger, Bulma," Goku stated. "You could just hide inside the cave, relax, as we do all the fighting and then come to pick you up."
"I was still in the old phase of coming along on all the adventures," Bulma shrugged. "I think it became less of a priority as I took more and more control of CapsuleCorp."
Krillin: I'm gonna follow Little Green to meet this eldest Namek guy. He sounds like he's our last hope.
He and Dende fly up and away to Guru's house.
Dende: Please do not make jokes.
The scene shifts to Zarbon flying through the sky.
Zarbon: Frieza seems increasingly frustrated... I'd best find Vegeta quickly...
Bulma groaned. "To think once I wanted to date him."
Vegeta laughed. "I forgot you once thought that pathetic whelp was attractive. Glad to see your tastes have changed."
He flashbacks to his last conversation with Frieza on the spaceship.
Frieza: You know, Zarbon, I'm starting to think my people don't understand what I pay them for.
Zarbon: You don't pay us.
Frieza actually gives a huff. "Honestly, I made sure to pay my men! Sure, I threaten them also, but whoever actually does good work is handsomely rewarded."
Bulma blinked. "That's where he draws the line? At being cheap?"
"It's another power symbol," Vegeta explained. "Showing off his wealth is another way to broadcast a false strength."
"So it's the same with you and your constant boasting, huh, Vegeta?" Frieza spat, the prince glaring.
Frieza (stammers quickly): Allow them to LIVE for. I mean, first we lose... what was his name?
Zarbon: Kiwi?
Vegeta forgets his scowl to smirk at them forgetting Cui's name. Almost made him forget his humiliation that will be coming in a few minutes.
Frieza: Eh, Kiwi. Then we lose all of our scouters, and now Dodoria's dead? I'm sorry, but if this sh*t goes any further south, we're going to hit Space Mexico.
Zarbon: What would you want me to do, Lord Frieza?
Frieza: What I want you to do is pull up your frilly stockings, tighten your thong, and stop being such a...
Vegeta shivered at the thought of Zarbon in a thong. Disgusting.
The flashback ends abruptly with Vegeta charging at Zarbon.
Vegeta: PANSY!
Zarbon: Wha-?
Both he and Vegeta collide in midair.
Zarbon: Vegeta, how dare you ram into me while I'm thinking about Lord Frieza and my thong!
This time, it was more than Vegeta who shuddered.
Vegeta: Yeah, just going to ignore that one entirely.
Zarbon: But it is a good thing I found you, Vegeta. Now are you going to come quietly, or do I have to make you scream?
Vegeta: Oh, you mean like Dodoria?
Zarbon: Oh, please, never send a woman to do a man's job.
Cue the women watching to give a glare at Zarbon.
Vegeta disappears and reappears behind Zarbon. Zarbon tries to throw a punch at Vegeta, but he easily blocks it by gripping his hand and tosses Zarbon into the sky. Before Zarbon can retaliate, Vegeta appears above him and sends him down to the ground with a kick. Zarbon manages to recover from the attack and notices that Vegeta is gone.
Zarbon: Where is he?
Vegeta is seen behind Zarbon and kicks him away. Zarbon is heard groaning as he is sent across the ground.
"Wow! You're really kicking his butt, Dad- huh? Dad?"
Trunks gives Vegeta a strange look, noticing his father was looking away.
Vegeta: Facedown with another man beating your ass! Is it Wednesday already, Zarbon?
Zarbon: Very cute, Vegeta. But you have no idea what you're getting into.
Vegeta: Ha! You have got to be kidding me! I may have lost to those fools on Earth, but since I got here, I've done nothing but slaughter you cretins! First Cui, then Dodoria. I'm two for three, and I'm back on top.
Zarbon: Well, Vegeta, I hope you've enjoyed being on top because I'm about to put you back on the bottom; where you belong. You see, I've been hiding another side of myself...
"Oh, a transformation," everyone except Frieza and Vegeta said. They've gotten used to it at this point.
Vegeta: Where, in the closet?
Zarbon: Now prepare yourself...for the beast within! I should warn you though; this form is entirely different from me in every way.
Zarbon transforms into his Monstrous form.
Monstrous Zarbon: IMMA RAPE YA, BITCH!
Cue the humans and most of the Saiyans jumping at the sudden change.
"Damn, that's one ugly form," Tien muttered.
"Gonna give me nightmares!" Chi-Chi said.
"Eh, I've seen worse," Piccolo shrugged.
Vegeta: To be perfectly honest, you're not that different. You're just a lot less SUBTLEABOUTIT- OH, MY GOD!
Monstrous Zarbon rushes Vegeta, with a train horn sound effect, Monstrous Zarbon easily dominating against Vegeta and proceeds to headbutt him again and again.
Frieza laughed at the absolutely pathetic showing, while Beerus sighed.
"Again, I'm surprised we were able to get half-way decent warriors from you mortals."
Vegeta (while getting headbutted multiple times): POIT! Zort-! Apples...
The scene shifts to Krillin, while holding Dende, flying in the sky.
Krillin: Huh. Hey, Little Green, do you believe in Karma?
Dende: What is that?
Krillin: Well, you see, Karma is where if you do something good...
Cue a shot of Monstrous Zarbon kicking Vegeta in the stomach.
Vegeta: OURGH!
Krillin: ...something good happens to you. And if you do something bad...
Cue to a shot of Monstrous Zarbon knocking Vegeta down from the sky.
Vegeta: GAAAH!
Krillin: ...something bad happens to you.
Roshi hummed, trying to look sage-like. "I suppose that's the modern way of looking at it, but true concept of karma is much more complicated."
Dende: So, if I am good enough, then I can have my family back?
Krillin: ...Are you still on about that?
The scene shifts to Monstrous Zarbon holding Vegeta while plummeting towards the ground.
Vegeta: No! No! No! No! No!
Zarbon tosses Vegeta while in midair.
Vegeta: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Vegeta hits the ground, creating a massive explosion forming a huge crater that gets filled with water.
Trunks winced. "Ouch… That's bound to hurt."
Monstrous Zarbon: And that's the end of that.
Monstrous Zarbon transforms back to his normal, beautiful form.
"You know, I can see why he prefers this form," Gohan said.
Zarbon: I'd best hurry back to Lord Frieza. If I take too long, he'll really lay into me.
Zarbon flies away back to Frieza's ship and a battle-damaged Vegeta is seen emerging from the water, barely surviving Zarbon's attack.
Vegeta (while gasping for breath): Why did I explode?
There's a small silence.
"We explode kind of a lot," Gohan said.
"Well, I think that's mainly due to ki explosions," Videl said. "But Vegeta wasn't hit by that…."
"Hmm… maybe Zarbon infused Vegeta with ki as he threw him?" Roshi offered.
The scene shifts to Krillin and Dende arriving at Guru's house.
Dende: That is it up ahead.
Krillin: So that's where yours lives, huh? On Earth our old Namek lives in a floating castle.
Dende shrugged. "I love the Lookout, but I do miss the old Guru house."
Dende: You have one as well?
Krillin: Well, he died, but yeah.
Both Dende and Krillin descend in front of Guru's house.
Dende: This does not bode well.
Nail (in Namekian/Klingon): Dende... ...what have you brought to Guru's house?
"Wait a minute, is that Klingon?" Bulma asked. "From Star Trek?"
"That ridiculous sci-fi show? How do you know that?" Vegeta asked. He found their portrayals of alien life a bit silly.
Bulma shrugged. "My dad used to bring the family to watch the show when I was a kid."
Dende (in Namekian/Klingon): Foreigners. They claim they are here to help. Personally, I think we are boned.
Krillin: You have such a beautiful language.
Nail (in Namekian/Klingon): Ah, seems we must speak the universal language...
Nail (in English): English.
"I never did ask, but why do aliens all speak our language?" Bulma asked.
Whis giggled. "Boad of you to assume we speak your language, Bulma. In reality, you just speak ours."
"Huh?"
King Kai coughed, drawing attention. "Allow me to explain. With us Kais as gods of life, we help spread knowledge to help nurture it. Sometimes mortals make their own languages but most of the time, the Kais helped create the common mortal languages. That's why the other universes also speak our languages."
Krillin: Aww, so you made a friend, Little Green? Ooh, I know, I'm gonna call you "Big Green"!
Nail: Call me that again and I'll snap your neck.
Krillin: ...With that attitude, I don't think you should be friends with him, Little Green.
"I think that's most people's reaction to such a ridiculous nickname," Piccolo said. "It's like calling an adult human 'squirt.'"
Nail: Listen, I don't care where you come from or who you are, I will not put up with such disrespe-
Guru (from inside his house): BIG GREEEEN! Get in here...
Nail (irritated): Oh...
Nail groans in annoyance.
Nail: Goddammit... What is it, Lord Guru?
"He sounds like a retirement worker," Android 18 noticed. "One who hates his job, but can't quit."
Guru: I have a bitch of an itch on my left ass chee—
There's a gagging of disgust by everyone.
He notices Krillin, staring.
Guru: Nail, there is an albino Namekian standing behind you. Kill it like the rest.
"Albino Namekian?" Dende repeated, confused.
"Is that a thing?" Goku asked.
"Not that I'm aware."
Krillin: Uh, actually, sir, I'm from Earth.
Guru: ...Kill it like the rest.
"The elder makes a good point," Frieza said.
Krillin: Uhhh...
Nail: Ehh, actually sir, I think he has business here about those people attacking our planet.
Krillin: Yeah. We came here looking for help. And I see you have a Dragon Ball up there. Well, we're going to make sure that they don't steal it!
"…by taking it," Krillin sighed, realizing how stupid it sounds.
Guru: And how is that?
Krillin: I'm gonna take it!
"Should have said 'help guard it,'" Krillin said.
Nail: Learn your place, Earthling! You have some nerve demanding a Dragon Ball from-
Guru (hands Krillin the Dragon Ball): Here, take it.
"You know, if more of these Namekians were like this and that band of stupid villagers from the start of the episode, I wouldn't have needed to go so far," Frieza said.
"They were defending their homes and treasures," Dende snapped.
"Oh, like you would have really needed them?" Frieza snapped back. "Couldn't spare the Dragon Balls for more than a few minutes? You don't use them anyways!"
"They're for emergencies!"
"Yes, they were quite useful when I invaded the planet. I came and you immediately had them assembled to get me away." The tyrant rolled his eyes.
Nail: I... What?
Guru: Just don't steal the TV.
Nail: Sir, we, uhh, we don't have a television.
Guru: Nail... gather the rest of the Dragon Balls and wish for a plasma TV.
Gohan looks at Dende, still steaming from his row with Frieza. "So… what do you use the Dragon Balls for?"
Dende shrugged, calming down. "Usually for emergency resurrections and reconstruction like when we used them to make New Namek. We try not to abuse the powers too much."
Nail: Lord Guru, that would be a grievous misuse of their powers.
Guru: I'm about to misuse my hand upside your heaaaaaad!
Krillin: So... I can just take this and go?
Guru: Wait. There is something I must first do.
Nail: You don't mean...
Guru: Yes. I see something within this young man… strength yet untapped… power yet unleashed… Now hold still as I unleash the valley of strength hidden deep withiiiiin!
Guru then places a hand on Krillin's head, focusing his power to unlock Krillin's hidden potential, a faint white aura appearing around Krillin.
Guru: There. I have unlocked your potential.
Krillin: I don't feel that different...
"It's a good power boost," Krillin defended.
Guru: It wasn't that much.
"Hey!"
Krillin: Huh. So this is my full potential?
Guru: Yes.
Krillin: So... then it's...
Guru: All downhill from here.
"I got to be a better fighter!"
Krillin: Like Yamcha...
"Krillin, what the hell?!"
Krillin turns away, but does have a small smile. Android 18 smiled as well, giving her husband a kiss on the cheek.
Guru: I do not know what this "Yamcha" is, but it sounds disappointing.
"Oh, come on! Does this show just have something against me?!"
Krillin: Well, I better get this Dragon Ball back to Gohan. Once we find them all, we can wish back our old Namekian!
Guru: Wait. You said that you were from Earth, correct?
Dende smiled, seeing a bit of the original Guru from this parody version.
Krillin: Yeah.
Guru: So, the son of Katas has passed. Unfortunate.
Krillin: We just called him Kami.
Guru: Oh, so he calls himself God. Pretentious prick. Nail.
Beerus chuckled. "I must admit, I'm starting to like this Guru."
Nail: What.
Guru: I shall henceforth be known as: Super Kami.
Nail: Yes, Super Kami.
Guru: No wait- Super Kami Guru.
"Going to give yourself some ridiculous nickname too, my lord," Whis teased his master.
Beerus waved him off. "Don't be silly, a Destroyer has no interest in such a petty nickname. That would be something Champa would do."
"I'm sure."
Nail: Can I just call you Guru for short?
Guru: Super Kami Guru allows this.
Krillin: Well, I'd better hurry up. See you later, Little Green! And thanks for the Dragon Ball!
Krillin leaves Guru's house and flies back to Gohan and Bulma.
Guru: Nail... Prepare to retrieve the Dragon Ball... and the body.
"Wow… no faith," Yamcha said, still glaring at Krillin. He knew he was amused by the Yamcha joke the show made.
The scene shifts to Frieza's ship with Zarbon entering Frieza's room.
Zarbon: Lord Frieza, the dirty deed has been done.
Frieza: Ah, very good. It's nice to see there's still somebody I can rely on.
"And yet, he forgot Vegeta," Frieza said. "Zarbon was decent but prone to… stupidity. A shame."
Zarbon: Oh, he barely put up a fight after I transformed. Now that he's dead we have very little left to worry about.
Frieza opens his mouth, then closes it, as if thinking of a way to explain something to a child.
"You're surprisingly patient," Vegeta said.
"Well, Zarbon, unlike you, was a model minion," Frieza said. "I'd give him a warning before enacting punishment."
Frieza: Zarbon, about an hour ago, a scout informed me that an entire village was completely destroyed. Do you possibly know who could have done that?
Zarbon: Ve- Vegeta.
"Wow, you're really spelling it out to him, Frieza," Goku noted.
Frieza: Aaaand, unlike all the other villages we visited so far, there was no Dragon Ball there. Do you know who could have possibly taken it?
Zarbon: Vegeta.
Frieza: Veeeery good! Now, use your brain for this one, Zarbon. If somebody were to know where that Dragon Ball was, who would it be?
Zarbon: Vegeta-
Frieza: Vegeta, yes. And you said you... killed him?
Zarbon: Wait, sir! It is possible I just left him unconscious!
"In a lake," Bulma pointed out.
Frieza: Oh, good. And where did you leave him?
Zarbon: ...At the bottom of a lake...
"I'm honestly surprised Frieza didn't kill him then and there," Gohan said.
"Eh, he still needs Zarbon to do most of the dirty work," Videl pointed out.
Frieza: ...Minion forty-three, would you come in here for a second? I need an example.
Namole: Private Namole reporting. An example of what, Lord Friez—
The poor guy gets blown into atoms.
"See? Poor guy," Gohan sighed.
"He was working for Frieza, I guarantee that guy was scum," Vegeta said.
Namole: AAAAAAAHHHAAAH!
Frieza: You see that, Zarbon? That's YOU if Vegeta is not in front of me in the next TEN MINUTES.
Zarbon: Uh...uuuhhh...!
Frieza: Bye.
Zarbon (flies out of Frieza's ship): AAAAAAAHHHH!
The ending sequence and the stinger plays, the scene shifts to King Kai's planet with the dead Z-Fighters training.
King Kai: I have to say I'm very impressed. All of you have been making great strides in your training since you arrived on my planet. Except for Yamcha.
"Not again!"
"Just be glad you don't have a Yamcha owned counter," Krillin said.
Yamcha: What the hell?! But I waxed off everything! I waxed off your car, I waxed off your house, I even waxed off your monkey!
Bubbles gave several shouts.
"Trust me, Bubbles, no one wants to see you waxed," King Kai reassured the primate.
Piccolo: Okay, I just started paying attention, WHAT?!
Yamcha: Seriously, when are we going to learn the Kayo-ken?
King Kai just stared at the screen.
King Kai: ...What?
Yamcha: The Kayo-ken, King Kai!
King Kai sighs.
King Kai: "Kai"... o-ken.
"Exactly!"
Yamcha: What?
King Kai: KAIO-KEN! It's in my f**king name! Like "King Kai", as in "Kaio-sama"! That is it! None of you are learning any of my techniques! Neither the Kaio-ken nor the Genki Dama!
"It's not that hard of a technique-name! Honestly, mispronouncing it? That's just rude!"
"You could still teach us some of the techniques," Yamcha complained.
"In everyone but Yamcha's defense, we were all pretty good," Tien stated.
"What did I do?!"
Tien: ...Freaking weeaboo...
Bulma had already prepared the remote.
"C'mon, let's watch the next."
"Hopefully, it'll immediately show me ripping that bastard Zarbon apart."
And I'm done. I'm sorry for the delay, my dear fans and I hope you all enjoy.
