Fire Briskly Burning
By AMY LEE BELLE
AUM CHRISTAVE NAMAH TO LIFE IN ALL ITS
FORMS, EVERYWHERE, FOREVER…
Copyright 2018 Amy Lee Belle
Cover by Délilah Martin /
A fire to call eternity into Time,
Make body's joy as vivid as the soul's. (270)
Savitri by Sri Aurobindo
PART 1
PLYMOUTH – March 1587
But since she knows the toil of mind and life
As a mother feels and shares her children's lives,
She puts forth a small portion of herself,
A being no bigger than the thumb of man
Into a hidden region of the heart
To face the pang and to forget the bliss,
To share the suffering and endure earth's wounds
And labour mid the labour of the stars. (…)
Sri Aurobindo, Savitri, Book VII, Canto V, p.526
–
CHAPTER 1 –
Adverse Winds
In the year of our Lord 1587, March 25
th
, I was returning
home after my daily work as a seamstress under the
supervision of Philippa Gibbon. I was careful not to slip
on the cobbled streets of Plymouth, the quick and
incisive rhythm of knives gutting out sea creatures
accompanying the rain drops in their busy dance.
This fifty-year-old plump woman of wit and
talent had for sure a ready tongue and I couldn't stop
thinking about all the stories she had told on several
occasions.
Rumours had quickly swept the town that a ship –
the 120-tonne Lyon – a flyboat and a pinnace were about
to sail to the New World.
Since the news had reached her ears, Mistress Gibbon
hadn't stopped fussing about it all.
"Working on a ship is one thing. But founding a
new colony? These waters are dangerous, I don't see
why we are to send women and children over there…"
Her husband – a fisherman – had left her a
widow, dying at sea. I couldn't let go of this certainty
that she had to feel lonely without him.
"This is our lot, you know, women. To look after
our husbands and pray for their safe return."
I further remembered her words as I was walking
along the streets, the scent of dead fish spreading with
the shouts of men trying to sell the product of their catch.
These streets were hectic and loud, totally encircled by
pointy houses. Smoke and mud were invading my
nostrils, my head still throbbing. It was pouring rain
again, and we couldn't distinguish any sunray above the
grey clouds looming on the horizon, the landscape
further souring the whole atmosphere.
The air was dense and suffocating.
"Darling, you are drenched. Please, change quickly and
give me a hand here." my sister said by way of greeting.
She and her husband had agreed to give me
shelter after our father's death several years ago. We had
had to sell our family property and all its furniture to
settle our father's debts and ensure a decent burial.
Father and mother were now lying next to each other,
leaving me, a penniless sixteen-year-old in my sister's
care.
My life with Margaret and Andrew was busy.
They had four children, a boy named William who was
seven, and three girls, respectively named Agnes, Anne
and Alice, aged from six to two. Whereas my nieces had
inherited my sister's complexion and sweet personality,
my nephew was resembling his father more and more
each day, even imitating Andrew's condescending tone
when addressing me sometimes. My sister was expecting
once more, their child due at the end of the month.
I was doing everything I could to help them alleviate the
financial burden that my being with them represented.
"Are you all right, Marge?" I said, removing the
petticoat I had received from our mother – the only
legacy I had left of her.
"My back's been hurting all day. This little one is
in a hurry, let me tell you…" I heard her say as I was
climbing up the stairs to change clothes.
In the bedroom I was sharing with their three
daughters, I found myself longing for the life colonists
had chosen.
A life full of adventure, excitement and discovery I
reckoned, remembering Mistress Gibbon's words. There
was certainly more to my life than just living confined in
a town house too small to accommodate a large family.
After a few minutes, I heard Margaret's call
"Amy, come down, quickly…" her voice was betraying
anxiety which was not in her habit. "My water just
broke." she added, almost out of breath.
"I'm sorry, Mistress Geddyng is being held at the
Derby's." I said trying to calm my nerves in view of the
bad news I was delivering to my sister.
Drops of rain were still rolling down my
petticoat, the wretched weather had tried to slow me
down once more as I had been running back from
Plymouth's only midwife.
All this to be told that Mistress Geddyng wouldn't be
available tonight…
"Let's hope Saint Margaret has heard my
prayers." my sister added, wincing at the sharp pain
coursing through her whole body. "I guess it's just you
and me then. Help me climb up the stairs, will you?"
I felt a surge of sudden panic inside my guts
when I recalled the danger of childbirth and our mother
giving birth to five stillborn after me, the sixth one
having been fatal to both our mother and our sibling.
Opening their bedroom door, I glanced at the
crucifix held high on their wall and started praying
silently with all my heart.
"Marge, tell me what to do…"
"I need to lie down." she added, racked with pain.
I did as she requested and went back downstairs
to look after my nieces and nephew, anxiously waiting
for Andrew to come back.
A wave of blessed relief washed over me when I opened
the front door to see Mistress Geddyng enter, her face
flushed and her hair put up into a tight bun that was neat,
even in the middle of the night.
"My sister is upstairs… Her water broke several
hours ago and…" I quickly explained, letting her in.
"Fetch a bowl of warm water and a blade." she
interrupted, exuding calm and confidence.
"Yes, of course." I whispered, cautious not to
wake up Andrew who was sleeping in the living room.
I hurried to gather all the things I had been asked
to find and quickly went back upstairs.
When I entered Margaret's bedroom, Mistress
Geddyng immediately used the water to wash her hands
and quickly turned to the task at hand.
When she remained silent after her examining her
tummy, I could sense that something was off.
"I'm afraid the baby is in the breech position…"
she uttered.
"It will have to do, it is coming." my sister
replied, warm liquid still flowing between her legs.
"I'm here with you dear. Now push…"
While Margaret was complying, even more
determined, Mistress Geddyng prepared herself
for welcoming a new baby into this world, feet first.
Her mind was quick to adjust in the face of the choking
danger Margaret's baby was in.
Imitating the gesture of the midwives who had tried to
aid our mother, I saw her hold the baby's body with one
arm, and prolong the movement upwards. "So the baby's
head is not blocked…" she was explaining to us.
All of a sudden, Mistress Geddyng was holding a
tiny body crying in her arms.
"Marge, it's a girl." I said, overcome with
emotions.
I knew Margaret had been in terrible pain but she
had gathered all her courage.
The midwife gave me the baby and used the blade
I had foreseen, cutting the cord that was coming from her
tummy.
I wrapped my niece in a white linen sheet and
gave a kiss on her forehead.
"Let me hold her." my sister asked, exhausted,
but in a state of bliss. "Mary Eleonore Sentjohn…Thank
you Mistress Geddyng."
She waited a little while longer "For the afterbirth
to be expulsed…" she further explained.
"Now, let's tell her father that both the mother and the
baby are in excellent health…" Mistress Geddyng
finished.
I took the cord and afterbirth wrapped in a sheet,
left the room and went downstairs to throw them in the
fireplace, following the midwife's instructions, eager to
announce the big news to Andrew.
–
CHAPTER 2 –
Shallow Waters
Margaret was soothing one-month-old Mary in her arms
while I was gently playing with my other nieces and
nephew in the living room. My brother-in-law was
proudly contemplating the fire he had lit up, the weather
still uncertain at this time of the year.
"Good news…" Andrew said, now facing me. "I
have arranged a meeting for you and Alard's son
tomorrow night, after today's fast. You shall dine here,
as we shall chaperon you."
His haughty voice had sent chills down my spine.
Andrew and Alard Gardyner were business
partners, hoping to make a fortune out of wool export.
Sir Gardyner and his only son named John were regularly
invited to dine with us. But I was treated more like a
servant than a real member of my sister's family as I had
to serve them all on such an occasion.
John was far from being plain. He was tall, fair-
haired and well-mannered but I couldn't say his features
or his attitude towards his father – following him blindly
everywhere – would lift my spirit at the idea of spending
an entire evening with him.
As the eldest, he was asked to follow his father's shadow
and learn the export trade to take the business over from
him as soon as he was fit to do so.
"Uncle, if you need me to work more, I can talk
to Mistress Gibbon, I'm sure she will agree…" I
suggested, sensing my brother-in-law's goal.
"You are old enough to get married and I'm sure
you'll make an excellent wife, Amy." he interrupted me
with, certainly anticipating the ties he could further
strengthen with Alard through such an arrangement.
"Andrew…" Margaret had taken his hand, maybe
trying to abort his scheme, knowing me too well.
"Margaret, it is not a matter we will further
discuss. May I remind you that we can no longer afford
to keep your sister here? We need the room for the baby,
not another mouth to feed. And John is a very good party
for Amy. She would be foolish to refuse such an offer."
he added, smiling triumphantly.
Andrew's lack of consideration was similar to the men of
his era, talking on my behalf, pretending I wasn't even in
the room. "It is settled then." he gave as a conclusion to
his monologue.
Turning to my sister for support, she replied by
staring at her feet.
"Will you excuse me, I am exhausted."
"Amy, come back here, this instant!"
Without adding anything else, I went upstairs to
cry silently.
"John, Alard, such a pleasure to welcome you here
again." Andrew's voice was loud and clear, surrounded
by the children's muffled laughter and excitement.
"Thank you Andrew. Margaret…" Alard was
smiling, contentedly. "Amy, nice to see you again."
Alard and John were exhibiting their best
demeanour.
The only response I could think of was nodding.
"Come on Amy, take our guests' coats.
Gentlemen let's go to the living room." Andrew said,
motioning to the children that they could go upstairs but
had to remain calm.
As I could feel John's eyes lingering on me, I felt
totally ill at ease.
I took their coats, hung them in the hall and
joined the kitchen with Margaret.
"Amy, I…"
"Don't bother…" I replied, feeling guilty at the
same time, for my sister had given me a roof and helped
me to the best of her ability.
Taking a bottle of red wine, I headed to the dining room
and observed the table, making sure the plates and
cutlery were properly placed.
My throat constricted, I stifled anger and prepared myself
for what was to come.
"What about you Amy, is there any field that would
attract your attention, except cooking, of course?" Alard
said, addressing me for the first time since the beginning
of the meal.
"Sir?" I asked, surprised and unable to longer
avoid our guests' gaze.
"I know ladies your age are really fond of
performing household tasks, but it is also their duty to be
educated in other fields…"
"I don't understand what you mean…"
"You know, dancing…"
"I…" I watched my plate, embarrassed.
"I told you about the candor of the weaker sex my
son…" Alard and John were laughing, openly mocking
me. "Let me ask you Andrew, what would women do
without us to guide them?"
"Yes, Alard, you are absolutely right! I offer a
toast." Andrew added, filling our glasses with the wine
he had bought for the occasion.
"Yes, excellent idea…"
"To promising unions, may our two families
prosper…"
"To promising unions!" they all said, cheering.
That was it, I could no longer contain this rush of
anger. I stood up, excused myself and went upstairs, the
sound of my steps covering Andrew's protests and
Alard's laughter.
More determined than ever to escape the lot of
women in my condition, my mind was racing to find a
solution. I would not let anyone force me into marriage,
let alone possess me…
Dear Margaret
I love you and your family more than any words could
ever express.
I cannot thank you enough for everything you have done
for me.
But it is time for me to find my own way.
I hope you will understand.
Please feel reassured that I will always carry you all in
my heart and prayers.
Your sister,
Amy
I folded the letter and put it carefully on Andrew's desk.
Our mother's petticoat on my shoulders, and Father's
wooden cross in my small luggage, I threw a last glance
at my sister's home, remembering the good moments
spent here, with my nieces and nephew, their smile and
laughter, their games and songs.
My sister's happiness is here, I thought, even if
she lets all her freedom in Andrew's hands.
I went on thinking about Andrew.
I was furious at the conventions this society upheld,
enraged by the traditions it dictated, enslaving women
and their right to choose, giving men the power to
manage everything and everyone.
Shall I ever see a world when women are free to
make choices and live their own life, without any male
counterpart taking decisions for them?
I slowly closed the door and disappeared into the
night, leaving them all sleeping.
My heart felt both heavy and relieved.
–
CHAPTER 3 –
Loose Earth
The moon was reflecting on the sea in front of me, the
movements of its waves were silent.
I started walking on the sand, on this island that seemed
oddly familiar. A fresh wind was sending chills down my
spine and the leaves of nearby trees started their deep
chant.
I was slowly advancing but suddenly heard a deep growl
behind the trees and felt the gaze of two eyes observing
me. But soon they became mine…
I woke up with a start, the incessant rolling leaving me in
a state of perpetual sickness.
I had eluded the guards in front of the ship,
reluctantly aided by Mistress Gibbon, and succeeded in
coming onboard without anyone noticing.
But I had this feeling that those achievements
only represented the easy parts of my journey.
I hadn't seen the sky, hadn't smelled fresh air for several
days now.
I didn't even know if it was night or day. My stomach
was churning, further reminding me that I had nothing
left to eat.
I was alone, in the dark – a prisoner – in the belly
of the Lyon, whose cargo was piled up high in the hold,
the sound and pervasive smell of the livestock in the
room next to mine ceaselessly reaching me.
Maybe it had been foolish, maybe it had been a reckless
decision though it had seemed the only way out.
But since I was on board and it was too late to
turn back, I could no longer let myself starve, whatever
the consequences, even facing the captain's fury.
I stood up and went out of hiding, my footsteps silently
gliding on the wooden floor.
The ship's boy was firmly holding my arm. I didn't know
if it was his restraint or my first contact with the exterior,
but my stomach emptied itself of the meager meal it had
received some days ago.
"Watch it!" the ship's boy resumed, annoyed.
The fresh air blowing on my face felt like heaven.
The sun was high in the sky and the horizon an endless
shape of blue. Observing the ship from her deck, I was
amazed at the ease she was displaying, her wooden shape
slipping and bobbing through the waves.
"Well, well, what do we have here?" a man said,
inhaling the scent of my hair.
"Aye, Master Fernandes, see what I have found,
stealing in the hold!" the ship's boy said, proud.
"You know the treatment we reserve for thieves.
Explain yourself!" The master's wicked eyes were
scrutinizing me, amused.
"I wasn't stealing…" I said, regaining
composure.
"You should have stayed with the other ladies,
then. What were you doing in the hold?" he insisted, his
face too close to mine.
"Fernandes, what is all the fuss about?" A stern
grey-haired man had appeared out of nowhere, inspiring
respect and authority. He was in total contrast with
Fernandes who was small, dark-haired and brown-eyed.
"Captain White, it appears we have a thief on
board." Fernandes explained, keeping his distance this
time.
"A thief? This girl seems harmless to me. Where
have you found her?"
"I was going to the hold Captain, when I saw her
there." the ship's boy replied.
"Did you see her steal anything?"
"Not exactly Captain, but she was in the hold and
I…"
No one was giving me the time to react, these
men were discussing my fate without even bothering to
question me.
"And you are?" the man named White finally
asked.
"Amy." I simply answered, not wanting to bring
dishonour to my sister or her in-law's by using their
name.
"Well, please accompany me to my quarters so
we can sort things out." White finally said, showing me
the way.
When he saw the master ready to protest, he added "No
one will put a hand on this girl, my orders."
I followed the captain to his quarters, hearing the
ship's boy childish giggle behind me.
The interior of the ship exceeded her external majesty in
many regards, the carved wooden walls and furniture of
the captain's quarters were exquisite.
Captain White politely asked me to sit down on a
chair, whose flower-patterned drapes were displaying
shiny shades of gold, green and red. He had left the door
ajar.
"I don't recall having seen you before… and
you're nowhere to be found in the register." he said after
checking a document on his desk. He was now reading
the tangible proof of my embarking unofficially.
He had unfolded another document and was taking a
quill.
"Captain, you are right. Please, forgive me. Let
me assure you that I will do everything…" I quickly tried
to explain, afraid of being put under arrest.
"What are your skills?" he suddenly wondered.
"I looked after my nieces and nephew in
Plymouth and I'm a reasonably good cook. I've also
worked as a seamstress for the past year."
"Do I need to worry about you stealing our
provisions?"
"No Sir, I mean Captain, I wouldn't dare steal
anything…"
"Well…" he started, taking his time "I guess it is
too late to manoeuvre the ship back home and I have no
desire for throwing you off board."
"Thank you…"
I was still in a state of sheer bliss when Captain
White resumed "Master Bailie?"
A small round-shaped figure appeared, all
flushed.
"Captain?" replied Master Bailie, a seemingly
reliable man.
"Would you please fetch Thomas Colman?"
"Of course, Captain."
I was left alone with Captain White and didn't
dare utter any word, too worried he would be tempted to
reconsider.
Master Bailie quickly appeared with a frail and well-
mannered Englishman whose dark hair added to his jolly
face and distinguished features.
"Sir Colman, please sit down."
"Captain?" he wondered.
"It seems we are dealing with a delicate situation
here. Mistress Amy joined us unannounced and I will not
authorize her staying on this ship unaccompanied."
"Why is that any concern to me, may I ask?"
"Am I correct in assuming that you are still
single, Thomas?"
"Yes Captain, that is correct…"
"In this case, may I introduce you to Lady Amy
Colman, your wife!"
I was outraged at the idea, I had not left the
prospect of a forced union to be imprisoned in another.
"Captain, this is not what I envisioned…" I tried, but the
captain went on ignoring my plea.
"Anyone should ask you, Lady Colman was sick,
hence her absence at dinner these past days." he added.
"Sir, I don't think this is appropriate…" Thomas
started.
"I think you shall see that marriage suits you
both. You will share the same quarters, of course."
"Captain, I strongly protest!" I exclaimed.
"My dear Amy, I have other matters to attend to,
I cannot watch over you night and day. This is the best
solution to protect you both against the crew."
When I frowned he resumed "My men are good sailors
but they remain men nevertheless and are certainly not
used to the company of unmarried women.
I have your safety at heart! Please, feel assured that this
decision will prove beneficial to you both."
"And if I refuse?" Sir Colman asked.
"Then I'm afraid Amy will have to join the main
land, swimming."
Hearing this, Thomas glared at me with a mix of
resentment and resignation.
Breaking our stunned silence, Captain White
stood up to open the door "Now that the case is closed, I
will let you two get acquainted. Sir Thomas, show Lady
Colman around, will you? I have several matters that
require my attention. Master Bailie, I shall speak to my
daughter at once, Lady Colman will need some
gowns…" I further heard him order as Thomas was
leading me outside.
After a very short and silent tour of the ship, Thomas
Colman invited me to enter his cabin.
The interior furnishings were slightly less ornate than in
the captain's quarters but I could still tell from them that
he was part of the nobility.
His living room was spacious, decorated with a
chair and a desk on which documents were spread. Next
to it, there was a bed, whose structure seemed to have
been carved out of oak, and velvet covers sewn with silk.
"Please, forgive me, I…If I had known…"
"Believe me, it is not what I wanted either…" he
replied, offering me to sit down on his bed.
When I moved away from him, furious, Thomas
added "Don't worry, Amy. I guess we can call each other
by our first names now… You're not my type, please do
not take offence."
"Of course." I went on, not believing a word he
was saying.
"You have nothing to be afraid of. I like for my
partners to be more… how to put it… manly."
"I see…" I felt relieved at his words. Mistress
Gibbon had once complained about her nephew who was
sharing similar tastes. "Well you saved my life and I
thank you. I am grateful." I added after a silent pause,
accepting his offer to sit down.
"Oh well, let's not make a fuss about it…" he
replied, blushing.
After a moment, he went to a cabinet to retrieve a bottle
and poured himself a glass of wine. "May I ask about the
purpose of your presence? Wait, let me guess, your
husband was a thief and abandoned you? Or worse, you
wished to escape poverty?"
"Marriage, I wanted to escape forced marriage."
"Well, it seems destiny has satirically brought us
together." he went on, offering me the same beverage.
"How so?" I asked, accepting his glass.
"My father learned of my… condition and forced
me into marriage as well. He sent me here as soon as he
heard I would refuse the young lady…" he added,
scornful.
"Well, we're partners in crime then."
"It appears so, although I would prefer the term
business partners." he added smiling.
"Excellent, business partners it is." I said
extending my right hand which he took and kissed.
"And I think we have to discuss boundaries too…" I
replied, withdrawing my hand.
"Don't thank me yet. You still have to meet the
ladies. And let me tell you that some of them are far
more frightening than I am."
He was grinning and I smiled back, not entirely sure at
this point that I could entirely trust him.
"We'll have to work on your background too… The key
is to reveal as little as possible, using true elements of
your life which we can surely embellish…"
"How should you know? I'm sure that with your
background, there's never been any need for
concealment?" I asked, taking a sip of red wine.
However, its strong taste mixing different perfumes
didn't silence the protests of my stomach.
"A person like me has to conceal his true
personality at a very young age, believe me, I know…"
he went on, while opening a drawer with the key he had
previously removed from his left pocket. Thomas came
back with a small box in his hands.
Opening it, he let wedding rings appear, together with a
beautiful diamond engagement ring. "My mother wanted
me to have them, maybe in case I would decide to see
reason…" he finished, deep sadness tainting his words.
And for the first time, regardless of my lack of
wealth or noble blood, I envied my situation.
"But let's concentrate on the matter at hand for
now…" After observing me closely, Thomas added,
giving me an old mirror. "We need to do something
about this…"
I looked at my reflection. The image the mirror
gave back startled me.
"After all, you need to pose as my wife…"
Margaret was the spitting image of Mum; tall,
blond and slender, whereas I had inherited most of my
features and strong character from Father.
My long auburn hair had disappeared under a layer of
dirt, my freckles were no longer there and my blue eyes
seemed lacklustre. The mirror reflected a girl I no longer
recognized, malnourished and tired, in total contrast with
Thomas who was tall, had delicate features, his brown
eyes displaying wit.
Someone suddenly knocked at the door.
"Ah Master Bailie, thank you deeply." he said,
closing the door.
"Here is your dress for tonight, Elyoner's treat." Thomas
added, handing me the most beautiful gown, the fabric of
which felt soft, too soft for my fingers.
"Elyoner?"
"Captain White's daughter. Now, please, take all
the time you need. I shall leave you to it." he finished,
leaving his quarters.
I touched the delicate sleeveless dress I had received, it
was dark red, trimmed with white lace at the front and at
the back. I had never seen such soft silk before.
I poured some water from a porcelain jug into the small
basin in front of me and applied it on my face. I felt
incredibly alive.
The dining room was grand and sumptuous, oak furniture
was in display, a richly embroidered tablecloth was
partially overshadowed by plates, clear glasses and
shining cutlery. Wine was flowing, elaborated dishes
were displayed full of meat and the ladies were
seemingly enjoying another great opportunity for
gossiping.
I had spent all day rehearsing my part with
Thomas; how my parents had tragically died, entrusting
my childless uncle with me and all their fortune, how we
had met and grown fond of each other, until our
wedding, a month before our departure. I had tried to
remember the names of Thomas's family members and
the description of their property.
I was about to enter Thomas's world, my arm
holding his, my third finger bringing his rings to the fore.
I felt ready. As ready as can be, I guessed.
As we were approaching the table, everyone turned
silent, staring, intrigued.
"Ladies, Gentlemen, let me introduce you to my
wife, Lady Amy Colman."
All the men stood up, their matching wooden
chairs creaking.
One of them whose flushed face I had recognized
– Master Bailie – was indicating some free places at the
end of the table.
"Your wife? Thomas, such a secretive man…"
added a brown-haired blue-eyed lady sparkling with
mischievousness. She was dressed in a green gown made
of silk and linen blend with lace at the back.
"I'm a man of many talents, Lady Harvie, one of
them is my discretion." Thomas answered, winking at
her husband, who seemed to be to his taste: tall and
brown-haired. "Please, excuse my wife, she was feeling
rather unwell, the ocean disagrees with her."
"Pleased to meet you all." I answered, curtseying.
"Pleased to meet you, Lady Amy, is it?"
"Yes, indeed."
"I'm Margery Harvie, and this is my husband, Sir
Dyonis. Come sit down next to us."
Master Bailie complied and placed two chairs at
the indicated spot.
As Margery was introducing me to her
neighbouring friends, I could not fail to notice that life on
this ship, like in England, was segregated. The nobility
and high ranked officers or assistants with their wife
were here, the rest of the hundred and eighteen members
of the colony sharing quarters and meals on the lower
deck.
"What about you, Amy?" Elyoner Dare, the
captain's daughter startled me out of my reverie.
She was blond with refined manners, very similar to
Margery, but had brown eyes and a beauty spot on her
right cheek. Her blue dress with brocades made of thin
silk and beading was exquisite.
Her husband, Ananias Dare, a blond brown-eyed
man with broad shoulders was a good match to her
beauty.
"What do you expect will await us there?" she
further enquired.
"Elyoner, don't frighten Lady Colman, these
savages will be tamed easily, rest assured." her father
answered.
"Nothing will prevent her Highness's loyal
subjects from conquering what is hers by right!" Master
Sampson added, his size matching his name.
"Long live the Queen!" they all said, raising their
glass when Thomas elbowed me, forcing me to imitate
their manners.
"I reckon you are right, it is our duty to spread
our Queen's kingdom." a man named Master Cooper
added, he was seemingly younger than the rest of them.
His comment was quickly followed by another
"But one should not forget the dangers of such a call."
"With a man as experienced as Captain White, we
are in good hands." Thomas Stevens finished, smiling.
But everyone turned quiet when a native Indian
entered the dining room. He was perfectly built, his large
shoulders and tall figure exuding a feeling of strength
and protection. He was wearing a piece of cloth covering
his waist and necklaces around his neck.
His bare chest, long dark hair and musky scent soon left
me confused.
"Ah Manteo, happy you could join us." John
White immediately said, breaking the ice. "Sit with us."
"Manteo stays here." the Indian added, standing
in one corner of the dining room. He started observing us
all calmly.
Everyone went back to their conversation,
pretending he was not here.
"He speaks English?" I whispered to Margery.
"Thomas hasn't told you? He is returning to his
island after two years in England. He learned English and
will help settle the new colony. He taught Algonquian to
a scientist named Thomas Harriet, I think. Yes, that's
right. Poor thing, he mustn't be older than twenty and
has already been separated from his family longer than
any of us."
When I glanced at Manteo, he looked back at me
with such intensity, his brown eyes captivating mine but
I started blushing and could not hold his gaze.
We were regaining Thomas's quarters in the late hours,
both merry and in silence.
Thomas was closing the door when I realized that
Manteo had been walking behind us.
Was he sharing a cabin next to ours?
"We need to work on your sociality if you are to
survive on this boat…"
"Yes, I think you're right." I simply replied,
trying to find something suitable to say. I turned around
and saw Thomas getting undressed.
"Well, what are you waiting for? You're not
going to sleep in your new dress, are you?"
"I…"
"Here!" he said, throwing a delicate white fabric
at me "Put this on. Don't you worry, Elyoner has plenty
of them. Sir John made everyone believe that all your
gowns were too soiled to be worn, due to your
seasickness…" he grinned.
But my mind was already wandering, bringing
me to a place where I no longer felt mortified.
"And I promise I will stay on my side of the bed."
–
CHAPTER 4 –
Burning Sparks
The next morning, I was on the deck, the air was
soothing. This blue expanse stretching on the horizon
was making me feel so small.
I was thinking about Margaret, my family, and
felt terribly lonely.
Thomas had kept his promise and had not lain a
hand on me but I was still doubting whether coming here
had been the best solution. I felt I didn't belong here or to
England. I felt an outsider everywhere…
I suddenly sensed a presence next to me.
Manteo. I knew. Taken aback and not knowing how to
respond, I just looked at him.
He was looking back at me, impassive.
"Amy, there you are!" Thomas was almost
shouting, quickly walking to us. "I see you two have
met."
"Not officially, no…" I added, seizing this
opportunity.
"Manteo, please meet my wife, Lady Colman."
I winced at Thomas's comment.
Manteo gently took my hand in his.
I felt my heartbeat accelerate at his touch.
"Pleased to meet you." I quickly added, removing it.
What is wrong with me? I thought.
"How was your meeting with the captain?" I asked
Thomas.
"Everything is for the best! Ah, Dyonis, I need a
word. Would you please excuse me?" Thomas finished,
leaving as quickly as he had arrived.
"I…" I tried, turning to Manteo but he had
already gone.
Weeks passed and felt similar to previous ones, as we
gathered every evening, listening to John White's
exciting tales of the New World, his audience cheering at
any mention of their venture.
Every evening I would hear them talk, on and on, about
the English supremacy and their devotion to the crown,
the ideal English society they had been chosen to spread
beyond sea. Whereas I guessed their rank in society had
always prevented them from suffering from hunger and
poverty, unlike the majority of the English men and
women on board.
We were heading for Chesapeake Bay, which, God
willing, we would reach in a month and a half now.
Captain White had already joined in several trips
on the New Continent and I had understood from his
daily comments that Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth, was
always keen on hearing of his new discoveries and
adventures.
He was more than ever persuaded that trading with
natives could be profitable to the Queen's Treasury as
well as her sovereignty, expanding their stranglehold on
these so-called savages.
The Algonquian people were said to be moderately
organized but certainly not as refined as the English
whose language and manners exceeded theirs in such an
extent that conquering these unorganized tribes would be
a matter of days only.
Manteo and his friend Wanchese had travelled to our
home country several times to further tighten the
relationship between England and the New World.
However Manteo's friend had refused to accompany him
on his last trip.
The first colony venture on Roanoke Island, two years
before, had prematurely ended. Captain Greenville, in
charge of the colony, had been sent back to England and
had returned with supplies but too late. Most of the
colonists, which he had left on the island, had already
been brought back home by Sir Francis Drake – another
explorer – whom they had fortunately encountered on
site. Some of Greenville's men, at his request, had
nonetheless remained on Roanoke.
John White was to lead all of us to form one single
colony – the expansion base of the British Empire.
The Lyon was carrying seventeen women, nine children
and ninety men among which Captain White's twelve
assistants.
I was trying to adapt as well as I could, remembering
Thomas's words of advice after my first evening in their
company, but I kept silent most of the time, still feeling
outlandish among them.
I guessed Manteo was probably sharing this feeling;
whenever he attended dinner, his calmness prevailed.
I hadn't had the chance to converse with him yet, our
paths never crossing.
I was growing fond of Elyoner and Margery though,
who, like my sister before them, were expecting.
Elyoner and her husband were sharing her
father's passion for odysseys and were proud to be a part
of this new colony to be established. She was different
from all the women I had encountered. She seemed brave
and what I would call a free spirit, for she was constantly
underlining the importance of women in founding a new
society.
I could sometimes feel she had obvious reserve about my
being married to Thomas Colman, but she never showed
it to me or anyone. She was always pleased to provide
me with what she called non-essential goods from which
she would have to distance herself once on the island.
Margery never took herself too seriously and was
most and foremost spontaneous and open-minded.
We would spend hours and hours talking, the
three of us on the deck, sharing childhood experiences
and laughing at the Establishment, especially when
witnessing my playing with the children, no matter their
social status.
But in that particular afternoon on the front deck, not far
from Portugal, we were all watching the horizon
nervously.
Black clouds had formed with gushes of wind roaring in
the sky.
"Amy, Lady Dare, Lady Harvie, come back
inside, this instant." Thomas was shouting.
"What's going on?" Elyoner asked him.
"A storm is coming. Your father has ordered to
close access to the deck and requisitioned the whole
crew…"
"Everyone is to go to the hold." Sir Ananias had
appeared in a hurry.
I glanced at Elyoner, obviously as alarmed as I
was by this item of news.
"Children, please join your parents now…" I
asked them, careful not to betray my concern.
"But Lady Colman…"
"No buts Robert, Captain's orders…Quickly now.
And take Jester with you. I'm sure you can find
something to feed him with in the hold…" I added,
seizing the dog's collar.
Elyoner stayed with me until everyone had
evacuated the deck, while Margery was making sure all
the children were with their mother in the hold.
All of a sudden, it started raining heavily. Elyoner
waved to me, indicating it was time to join Margery.
I was heading for the stairs when the ship,
cleaving through giant waves, violently pitched in a
heavy swell that made me fall, pushing me to the edge of
the deck. I shouted, afraid to land in the wild sea, but
quickly felt muscular arms around me.
Manteo had caught me before I could fall
overboard and was helping me up.
"Thank you." I said, my heart beating fast in my
chest.
"Hurry…" was all Manteo replied.
He held my waist until we joined the staircase to the
hold.
We were the last ones to evacuate the deck.
Inside the hold, the eerie silence was only interrupted by
the cracking sound of the ship, her wooden hull crashing
against enormous waves.
The rolling was even more unbearable than
before, rendering all the crew prone to seasickness this
time. I sat down between Margery and Elyoner, who
were both staring at me, worried.
The animals were in a perpetual state of fright.
And the men trying to calm them down were failing at
doing so, probably fearing for their own life too.
On the other hand, the women seemed to all
conceal their worry so stoically, for their sake or the sake
of the children. Following their example, I tried to smile
as much as I could.
Watching the stairs where Manteo had brought
me, all I could see now was an empty space.
That night, I drifted off, trying to reason with
what was going to happen, trying not to give way to
panic.
I could feel growing excitement at the prospect of my feet
touching the immaculate white sand.
All these vivid colours were sweeping me, my heart was
swelling in the face of this marvelous beauty.
The air was so fresh and the water so pure : the whole
landscape took my breath away.
The water was still at my waist when I joined land for the
first time.
I was walking on the beach, the sun warming my skin, my
clothes and my whole being.
Grains of sand were tickling my toes.
I was advancing towards the forest alone,
smelling exotic and exquisite perfumes, touching flowers,
tree trunks, plants, admiring the virgin flora of this new
Eden.
I suddenly saw a white bird flying above my head.
Intrigued, I started following it, racing through the
forest. When I arrived in the middle of an open field near
a waterfall, I saw the bird had landed in front of a white
figure.
The sun, high in the sky, was reflecting on his
bright silhouette, the wind was caressing his long hair.
When he turned around, my heart recognized his.
I was soon in front of him. He was tall, his broad
shoulders exuding confidence, strength and protection.
He smiled and I did too, plunging into his intense
eyes.
"Do you see what I see and feel what I feel?" my
heart asked him.
"Yes…" he simply replied, his left hand taking
mine. "I am with you, I always have, and I will always
be. I love you."
But he suddenly disappeared and my heart
constricted at the lost sight of him.
"Follow your heart and fulfil your destiny…" I
heard the wind echo.
I woke up in a jolt, nausea spreading through my whole
body, as little Ambrose Viccars was emptying the
content of his stomach at my feet.
"The storm is over…" George Howe, Captain
White's advisor, had barged in and announced.
"Is everyone safe?" Elyoner asked him.
"Yes, my Lady but we lost the flyboat…" he
answered, eyeing his feet.
"Master Howe, could we bring Ambrose on the
deck? He's rather unwell…."
"Certainly, Lady Colman."
I stood up accompanied by Elizabeth, Ambrose's
mother, relieved and proud of the Lyon, her capacity to
live through adversity, further convinced that such a
strong ship was the true reflection of the person who had
inspired her name.
Our surviving the storm had tightened our bonds with the
entire crew and brought to light that we were all part of
this great venture.
As it was impossible to host everyone in the dining room,
it was decided to allow every member to dine with the
captain, in turns.
It was July and the bellies of my friends were now
showing considerably.
We were on the deck with the ladies and young
girls of the colony, whom we had all befriended, their
true nature having been revealed in those difficult
conditions that often occurred aboard ship.
Mistresses Chapman, Jones, Archard, Powell,
Viccars and Payne were all happily married to crew
members. To our question concerning their embarking on
such an expedition, they had answered that England had
left their husbands with a few work prospect.
They had left harsh life conditions in the hope of finding
a better future on the New Continent.
They were all brave, strong-minded and shared the
typical distinctive features of English women.
John Prat, Robert Ellis, Thomas Archard, without
forgetting the Berrye brothers and Ambrose Viccars –
who, according to his mother, hadn't only inherited his
father's name but also his likeness in being – had the
privilege of having relatives aboard ship.
The other young boys and girls under the age of sixteen –
Agnes Wood, Elizabeth Glane, Jane Pierce, Audrey
Tappan, Emme Merrimoth, Margaret Lawrence, Joan
Warren, Jane Mannering, John Sampson, Thomas
Humfrey, Thomas Smart, William Wythers, with among
them Master Howe – were all orphans like me.
However they had easily adapted to life onboard, their
stomach full every day for the first time in a long time,
the boys already foreseeing their future in exploratory
expeditions.
"Land, Captain, I see land!" George Howe
suddenly shouted with excitement.
At his announce, we all hurried to join Manteo
near the beakhead, trying to catch the first glimpse at our
new life ahead.
PART 2
ROANOKE ISLAND – July 22
nd
1587
(…) This in us laughs and weeps, suffers the stroke,
Exults in victory, struggles for the crown;
Identified with the mind and body and life,
It takes on itself their anguish and defeat,
Bleeds with Fate's whips and hangs upon the cross,
Yet is the unwounded and immortal self
Supporting the actor in the human scene.
Through this she sends us her glory and her powers,
Pushes to wisdom's heights, through misery's gulfs;
She gives us strength to do our daily task
And sympathy that partakes of others' grief
And the little strength we have to help our race,
We who must fill the role of the universe
Acting itself out in a slight human shape
And on our shoulders carry the struggling world. (…)
Sri Aurobindo, Savitri, Book VII, Canto V, p.526-527.
–
CHAPTER 1 –
Garnet
Master Fernandes was staying on the ship while twenty
of us had already embarked on the pinnace with John
White, leaving growing tension behind.
Captain White and Master Fernandes had fiercely
argued about our destination, the latter even refusing to
take us farther.
But I knew deep within that we were exactly
where we were supposed to be. The landscape in front of
us was extraordinarily similar to the still vivid one from
my dream.
I disembarked with the help of Manteo, my heart
thudding. The sun was blinding my eyes, the wind and
water soothing all my senses on this piece of land, an
island on its own, named Roanoke.
As everyone was setting foot on the sand, I could not
wait to discover more ground.
The air, the sand prolonging in blankets of
luxuriant vegetation, the water, the sun, all the elements
seemed so pure and quiet, almost virginal, untouched by
greedy empires or rigid structures.
"It is beautiful…" I whispered.
"It is home…" Manteo simply replied.
This island gave me a feeling of real freedom, the
freedom to be myself and to let go of judgment about my
womanly condition or my expected rank in society.
We were all equals and starting afresh.
Thomas seemed to share my excitement.
Captain White, followed by his daughter, and soon the
rest of us, was now taking the lead to the garrison that
Greenville had left behind.
The trees were huge, but as we were further approaching
the settlement, I could hear a deadly silence and feel
mounting anxiety in my guts.
No bird, no animal, there only existed this
wooden structure that had been raised in front of us, not
far from the beach and in sharp contrast with it.
I saw Manteo's face hardened.
"Come out, Captain White's orders!" Master
Cooper shouted.
The surrounding atmosphere was souring.
No one answered his call.
"Captain, Sir?" Ananias Dare was asking how to
proceed.
"Let's enter." John White simply replied.
I looked at Elyoner, her face was betraying her
shared concern.
We were now all advancing towards our new home,
while Manteo was guarding the entrance.
This feeling of dread increased dramatically as I was
walking on.
The small wooden huts within the fortified
settlement had been left untended.
The earth was muddy and brown.
No plant, no tree… nothing had grown here.
"Check the houses." Captain White urged his
assistants.
"Amy, stay here!" my husband demanded,
running after the others.
But pushed by unsatisfied curiosity, I decided to
head for the fortified wall, ignoring Thomas's request.
I was walking alongside it, my hand on its wooden
surface when a cold chill ran down my spine.
I could feel deep sadness and sorrow.
What had happened here? I was wondering, following
the line drawn by the wall, careful not to touch it now.
Horror suddenly struck me with the image of a
skeleton, bleached by the sun, in one corner.
Next to it, someone was weeping, all the while seeping a
grey vapour. This boy was wearing ragged clothes, his
muddy face betraying fright.
I screamed, taken aback.
I was rapidly encircled by nervous men, pointing
their muskets at me.
"Lay down your weapons!" John White shouted.
"I ordered you to stay where you were!"
"It must be one of Grenville's men…" Ananias
added, kneeling close to the remains, without examining
the living boy staring at all of us.
"Ambushed?" George Howe then asked.
"Probably…" Roger Prat answered.
"And who are you?" I addressed the young man
whose face lit up.
"Amy, who are you talking to?"
"We need to do something for …" I started but
realized I was strangely pointing at thin air.
"Your wife is right, Sir Colman, this poor soul
will be given a proper burial. And give her some water,
she must be in shock… Call Manteo, I must talk to him
at once…" White added, turning to John Sampson.
Have I dreamed all this?
–
CHAPTER 2 –
Amber
In this hot afternoon of late July, Robert and Jester were
playing hide and seek inside the settlement.
On the other hand Elyoner and Margery were walking
with difficulty, trying to pretend pregnancy wasn't
hampering their obligations in the colony.
As usual they had gratefully refused my offer to do their
chores.
Days had passed and the settlers were still demonstrating
their organizational skills.
John White was planning to move north to Chesapeake
Bay, our intended destination, before winter, so as to
tighten friendship with the natives.
In the meantime huts were being rebuilt and
decorated, the captain's assistants were taking shifts in
guarding the still higher fortified walls.
The new settlement resembled a huge wooden box
inhabited by some fifty houses, with, at its centre, a main
dwelling place where Captain White was meeting his
men daily.
Everyone had been assigned a specific task in
order to improve our living conditions and women were
to work as hard as men.
There had been no trace of the natives or
Greenville's men.
I had feared for Manteo's life at the mention of a
possible attack being the cause of the deserted site. But I
quickly reconsidered; I knew that John White needed
him for trading purposes.
I was seeing less and less of Manteo these days, he was
no longer sharing meals with us.
Thomas, helped by other men, had rapidly
finished repairing our house, which I was still hesitating
to call home; my only personal contribution to its
decoration was my father's cross above our bed.
We were not authorized to wander alone outside
the settlement and were asked, for our own safety, to
follow White's rules to the letter.
"Hierarchy and obedience prevail on those
forsaken lands…" Thomas had explained.
I was still longing for the beach and the marvelous forest
not far from us. The walls were preventing us all from
admiring the natural beauty beyond them and I sensed he
was feeling trapped.
Thomas had kept his word, and I respected him deeply
for it. Our friendship was cemented with the mutual
promise of not changing who we were, notwithstanding
the increasing gossip of my not being pregnant yet…
However the proximity I had felt with the settlers
after the storm had somehow vanished with the boy I had
seen on my first day here.
Remaining silent on what I had witnessed had
been my course of action. I started to think that I had
been delusional, that insolation had been the cause of my
imagining the boy in the first place. This fact
tremendously added to the loneliness I had been
experiencing since that day.
Most of the time, I felt like a canary that was
unable to fly because of the golden cage it had been
locked in.
So, every evening, I turned to the sky instead.
All these majestic stars, under which we could hear the
tune of wild animals screeching, bleating and clicking the
strangest sounds to call their pairs, were lighting dark
nights.
My heart was longing for something more.
As the majority of our food supplies had been lost
with the flyboat, we planted all the remaining seeds in a
new vegetable garden close by. We were hoping to
quickly collect the produce of their growth.
Our only partners on this new land seemed to be
the animals we had brought from England: some goats,
sheep, hens and roosters. But living on their sole share of
milk and eggs wasn't enough, certainly not to feed more
than a hundred people.
In those difficult times, sharing out was more than ever
our strength.
We had killed several sheep to feed the colony and my
growing concern was that we wouldn't be able to last if
we went on destroying our only source of sustenance.
Aware of the steadily decreasing supplies, Captain White
had sent some assistants to the beach to hunt crabs that
day, their flesh known to be nutritional.
I had been busying myself with dusting, cleaning,
tidying up with the other women the whole afternoon.
Time had flown and we were now waiting for the
assistants to bring back the meal we would prepare that
evening.
I decided to join Margery and Elyoner by the fire,
their pale faces giving way to rosy cheeks. They were
happily discussing with Elizabeth Viccars and Audrey
Tappan about the best way of cooking the hunt booty.
The sun was starting to go down as the men were
all coming back to the settlement. They were greeted
with enthusiasm even if we quickly realized that our
meal would be, once again, meagre.
But growing discomfort was spreading, as we learned
that one assistant was missing.
Night had fallen. It was time to return to our wooden
houses after a silent meal, Master Howe's absence
having created profound distress.
At our captain's request, Thomas was still vividly
talking to some assistants in order to prepare the search
party that was foreseen on the next day, close to the place
on the beach where George Howe had been spotted last.
I was staring at the closed wooden gate once
again, then headed for our house.
I undressed in our humble abode, my throat still
constricted. I caught sight of my father's cross above our
bed. And I remembered my family's legacy, their will to
live honest lives of labour, trusting God above all.
I lay down, alone, my heart pounding hard in my chest.
I woke up in a jump, drops of sweat beading my
forehead, unable to remember what had triggered it.
The night was still, the air moist and full of scents
I didn't recognize.
Thomas was sound asleep next to me.
I got up, unable to fall back to sleep and decided
to go out for a walk and breathe in the freshness of the
night sky.
Closing the door behind me, my attention was
caught by a ray of moon illuminating my path and
displaying strange shades of orange.
Ominous silence reigned.
I was heading for the entrance of the settlement,
crossing every hut on my path.
But when I arrived, I found the gate wide open
and unguarded.
Ready to call for reinforcement, I quickly turned
around, only to face a dark silhouette, motioning to me.
"Help me…" the voice was imploring.
When the shape had approached me close
enough, I immediately recognized George's face, as pale
as a ghost, a dark liquid trickling down his head.
"Please, what's happened to me?" he was now
pleading, both hands on his wound.
I woke up screaming.
The next day, pretending to be resting, I discreetly
witnessed Thomas getting ready for the search party. The
images of my nightmare were still haunting me.
What is wrong with me?
"Are you all right, Amy?"
"Please, don't worry about me, I'm fine…" I lied.
Thomas sat down on our bed and repeated his
worry. "You haven't been sleeping much lately…"
"I'm concerned about Master Howe, that's all…"
I mumbled, uncapable of finding any other explanation.
"We all are…"
"Please be careful…"
"I will…" he replied, kissing my forehead.
As soon as he had left our house, I went out of
bed and knelt in front of it.
Closing my eyes and turning to Christ, like my mother
had taught me, I started praying for George Howe.
The morning had passed slowly but my heart felt lighter
as I was helping Elizabeth entertain the children, who
were trying to train Jester.
Soon, all our heads were scrutinizing the gate as
it was being opened to welcome the search party.
Horror struck me; I was watching Thomas and
Roger Prat carry a covered corpse.
They were silently advancing in the fort, followed
by women's cries.
The men put Master Howe in front of Captain
White's house, explaining that they had found his
scalped body next to a tree further inland.
"He was probably ambushed while trying to catch
some crabs…" Roger Bailie had taken the floor.
This can't be a coincidence, can it? My God, am I
going crazy?
"We can't let these savages get away with it!"
Christopher Cooper exclaimed. He was angrily looking
at Manteo.
"My people did not…" he started.
"Amy, you are rather pale, you should…"
Thomas was talking to me but the protests of the crowd
were deafening.
"An eye for an eye!" John Sampson replied.
"Those savages do not deserve to live, let's teach
them a lesson…" another assistant went on.
"They have to learn the consequences of their
action!" a man named Anthony Cage added.
"They need to be tamed!"
While they were arguing about the best move to
pursue, I could see anger and hatred distort their face. I
was sensing that Elyoner and Margery were worried by
their course of action as well; these men were too prone
to follow the path of violence.
I felt ashamed of being among them…
"Master Baillie, put this man under arrest!" John
White requested, pointing at Manteo.
"Aye!" all the men were agreeing in unison.
"Do you really think that it will bring Master
Howe back to us? Captain, stop this nonsense!" I
shouted, my head ready to burst. "You will lose all your
opportunities for trading…"
"Let have them a taste of my musket first…"
Margery's husband interrupted.
They all laughed in reply.
"Captain, please…" I insisted.
"Woman, do not put your nose into men's affairs.
Gentlemen, bring the prisoner inside, and let's finish our
discussion." John White replied.
I watched Manteo silently follow the settlers
inside John White's house.
My heart was burning with rage.
I needed to act and fast.
It was nightfall.
John White had posted two guards to watch over his
prisoner detained in a hut close to his house.
I was more than resolved to pass them.
"I'm bringing some water for the savage…"
When the guards responded with incredulity, I
added "Captain White's orders…"
They let me enter.
Manteo was on the floor, his torso bruised, blood
trickling down his face.
I almost stopped breathing, feeling his pain vibrate deep
within.
I went sitting down next to him and started
mopping his head with the fresh piece of linen sheets I
had torn apart.
He was barely moving but was still moaning
when I touched his wounds, the immaculate piece of
fabric turning bright red at my every movement.
"I'm so sorry…" I whispered.
"What's going on in there?" one of the guards
shouted.
"I'm almost done…"
"Here, drink…" I softly poured some water in his mouth.
He swallowed with difficulty.
"Take this as well…" I added, handing a kitchen
knife wrapped in a piece of cloth.
But Manteo shook his head as a sign of refusal.
I put it back in my pocket before leaving him, not
knowing what else to do…
I was breathing heavily, my weapon ready in my hands,
my heart beating fast.
I was obsessed with one single idea: survive.
The others were marching at the same cold
rhythm, the sound of our steps deadened by the high
grass around us, plunging us further onto this
inescapable path of slaughter.
The march seemed endless, the tension mounting
in my veins reaching its peak.
"I can do this…" I was repeating to myself,
imitating the men by my side.
We should be there soon… I further thought
trying to calm my nerves.
When I saw the signal, I bent, following orders
without questioning them.
It's them or us… I repeated on and on, ready to
kill.
I woke up, sore and exhausted, in front of Master Howe's
cold body. The room was lit by candles and my stomach
churning with guilt without understanding why.
George Howe was being buried next to Greenville's man
the morning after our night's wake.
I could still feel growing tension among the men
even if this funeral was imposing a feeling of reverence
upon us all.
John White was reading Psalm twenty-three with
verve
"
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow
of death, I will fear no evil; for thou art with me; thy rod
and thy staff, they comfort me…"
Thomas was still avoiding my gaze.
He had refused to talk to me about their plan to attack
and had not pronounced a single word, not even after the
wake.
The whole colony still thought Manteo's people
had provoked the death of one of us. I was praying God
he would seize any opportunity to flee.
But he hadn't so far.
After the ceremony, while all the women were going
back to their chores, I saw the men gather around John
White, their muskets and blades ready. Thomas was
among them.
Knowing it would be the last occasion to let them
see reason, I approached him and put my hand on his
shoulder. "We need to talk…"
The captain glanced at me and nodded.
Thomas followed me, away from their group.
"Please, don't…"
But he suddenly stopped me "We don't have any
choice, Amy…"
"We always have a choice. These people, these
savages as you call them have a family. Have you ever
seen someone die? Have you ever taken someone's life?
This will haunt you, Thomas."
"You don't understand what it's like…"
"What are you talking about?"
"I've always been different, I've never belonged
anywhere. This is the opportunity to prove myself."
"By following stupid orders? Where does it end,
Thomas? You attack them, they retaliate…We don't
even know what happened to George!"
"They have started it…"
"You don't know who is responsible for his
death… I thought we had an agreement, I thought we
could find peace here…"
"Amy, it's urgent!" Audrey Tappan was shouting,
hurrying to meet us. "It's Elyoner… her labour has
started!" she explained, out of breath.
"Thomas, please…" I tried again.
"I'll see you when I get back…" he replied,
heading for the men, ready to go to war.
When I entered, Margery was already at her side, holding
her
hand
while
Elizabeth
Viccars
was
mopping
her
forehead with a wet piece of fabric.
"How are you doing Elyoner?" I immediately
turned to her, clearing my head.
"Amy, tell them, it is going to be all right, they
don't seem to believe me…" she answered smiling.
I saw worry on Margery's face when Elizabeth
stood up and motioned to speak to me outside.
"I'll be right back…"
"What is going on?" I whispered, only for the two of us to
hear.
"This is beyond what I can do, I am afraid the baby
is not head-down…"
At the mention of what Elyoner would have to go
through, I recalled my sister and her courage during my
niece's
birth.
"I
think
I
can
help…"
I
said
stifling
emotions. "I need a blade, fresh linen and a lot of hot
water…"
I felt relieved when I heard the tiny baby's cry. I looked
at Margery, Audrey and Elizabeth and they glanced back
at me, sharing my happiness.
I wrapped Elyoner's daughter in a white sheet
and presented the baby to her mother, who was
exhausted.
"Virginia Dare…You are so cute…" she said
kissing her cheeks, her voice faint.
I cut the umbilical cord, precisely imitating
Mistress Geddyng's movements, then waited for the
afterbirth.
The sun was going down when we all exited Elyoner's
house, the covered cord and placenta in my hands.
But as soon as we took a breath of fresh air, we
all heard shouts from afar.
"Finally…" Margery said while running towards
them. Elizabeth was quick to follow, impatient to see her
husband as well.
"Audrey, could you take the jar and clean
everything with boiling water?"
She nodded, picking up the blood-reddened linens
Margery had left behind.
When I saw the silhouette of Ananias Dare, Captain
White and Thomas, I decided to walk to them.
I stopped in front of Elyoner's husband.
I could see worry on Ananias' face, certainly at
the sight of what my hands were holding.
"Congratulations, you have a daughter…"
"Elyoner?" the captain asked.
"She is strong and very brave, but you already
knew that…"
John White and Ananias started running to
Elyoner's, leaving Margery and Dyonis in each other's
arms.
Thomas had turned to me in mute appeal.
"Amy, I know that you had reserve but this was the only
solution…" he said, his musket still in his hands.
I glared at him furiously, then left without adding
anything.
"Come on Amy, let yourself go…"
I was jolted awake, Thomas's hands all over my
breasts. "What are you doing?" I shouted, realizing he
reeked of alcohol.
"You're my wife, you have duties! Show me
some respect!"
At these words I slapped him.
"If you want people to respect you, show them respect
first! Stop pretending to be someone you're not!"
As he was remaining still, I resumed "Get out of here!
Now!"
"Fine!" he finished, going to our living room.
I knew I needed to find a way out and fast.
–
CHAPTER 3 –
Citrine
It was mid-August and Virginia's birth was quickly
followed by Dyonis and Margery's son. They had
baptized their baby George Harvie, in remembrance of
Master Howe who had left us too soon.
No one dared mention his death, or the events
that had followed it. Everyone pretended nothing had
happened.
This new birth was another opportunity for prolonging
the silence that had conquered the colony.
No one was authorized to access the house where
Manteo was being kept.
I didn't know if they ever intended to release him.
Maybe I should have freed him myself, no matter the
consequences…
Since that night, Thomas hadn't uttered a word
and had taken the habit of passing out in front of the
fireplace.
Our food and water supplies were alarmingly
decreasing day by day and the seeds we had planted were
not growing with this arid ground.
And as a result Captain White had decided to kill almost
all our animals.
I was entering his house, where we had been invited that
evening, my throat constricted with a familiar feeling of
anger.
The whole colony was already there.
"My friends…" John White started. "We are all
gathered here today because, like me, you are well aware
of the situation we are in. Autumn is at our gate and we
crucially lack reliable food sources and water.
Furthermore, we are still under the threat of
retaliation…"
And whose fault is that?
"Master Fernandes and I agreed on the urgency to
go back to England and come back with supplies that
would help us go through…"
"What about finding supplies inland?" I burst out.
"Lady Colman, wait to be addressed to!" a man
immediately said.
"It's all right, Master Prat. Lady Colman, I am
listening…" John White replied, certainly because I was
still in his good graces.
"Sir, we know that the natives survive inland.
Why don't we go there and find resources before it is too
late and prepare a more permanent settlement? If we stay
here, we are all going to die…"
My last words gave way to brooding silence.
But to my surprise, the captain added "I think we
both agree on that Lady Colman."
After a minute that seemed to last forever, he went on "A
group will stay on Roanoke and another will go inland to
find supplies while we are away. These groups will be
formed on voluntary basis. Should the remaining group
leave the settlement, they have to carve their destination
into the bark of one of the white ashes near the gate.
Should the same group be forced to leave in case of
distress, they have to carve a Maltese cross on this tree.
Do we agree?"
"Aye Captain." they all obediently replied.
"I volunteer if Manteo is our guide." I shouted.
"Amy, are you out of your mind?" Thomas let
out, accompanied by the whispered consternation of
others.
"With all due respect, Captain, I don't know how
long we can survive out there, let alone go back to the
settlement, without anyone knowing their way..."
"You made a point Lady Colman."
"Don't you dare, Amy!"
"Master Colman, may I remind you that we are in
a state of siege…" and at the lack of Thomas's response,
Captain White simply finished "It is settled then."
–
CHAPTER 4 –
Pink Quartz
After bidding Captain John White, Master Fernandes and
some assistants adieu, seven of us embarked on the
pinnace. The others remaining on Roanoke had been put
under the leadership of Ananias.
I was trying to hide my tears with difficulty, waving
goodbye to Margery, Elyoner and their family.
Ready to write a new chapter in the history of our
adventure on the New Continent, we were to find
supplies quickly.
I was the only woman on the boat shared with
John
Burden, James Hynde, the brothers Henry and Richard
Berrye. I still felt Thomas's gaze fixed on me, full of
hatred, his musket aiming at Manteo to prevent him from
escaping.
The wind was blowing through the trees as I was
admiring, amazed, the silent splendor of the vegetation
around us, carried away by the song of its leaves. Until
then I had known the dust, mud and loud livelihood of
Plymouth; this landscape presented itself in total contrast
with my past. The river was gently flowing, cradling us
all. For the first time in a long time, I felt peaceful.
My eyes were breathing in the scents of freedom and my
whole body was soothed by this splendid view.
But all of a sudden, I felt sharp pain spread fast,
like venom, into my body. I then heard Thomas shout
while the others were protecting themselves from a rain
of projectiles.
When I saw the feathered end of an arrow coming
from my womb, everything became blurry.
I could still hear screams and shouts, I could smell blood
and feel the precious liquid spurt out, my heart was
beating fast.
Then nothing.
Silence, deep silence in me.
I felt myself drift away.
Where was I going?
All my senses seemed magnified.
I was standing in the middle of nowhere trying to move
on, without any way out when suddenly my feet touched
sand.
The horizon was stretching endlessly, the moon crescent
was reflecting on the sea and I was surrounded by
magnificent trees, wind blowing in their leaves.
Their movement was the only sound I could hear,
together with the waves crashing on the shore.
I could smell humid grass.
I sat down, my back resting on a tree trunk, on
this night-lit beach. So tired, I quickly gave way to rest.
Awakened by the rising wind that was reaching gale-
force and the waves relentlessly roaring, now licking my
feet, I knew it was time to go on… but where to?
I stood up and faced the deep forest near me.
There was no path.
What should I do?
But I was startled by the sight of two diamonds,
staring at me.
I immediately recognized the sound of a four-legged fur
waving its tail.
Jester? I shouted his name, still doubtful.
He clumsily approached me, out of darkness,
jumped on my lap, making me fall. He started licking my
face, contented.
"Good dog…" I said, patting his head, grateful
to see him too.
Had he been abandoned here like me?
"What are you doing here?"
He sat down in front of me, observing me, patient,
and inclined his head on the left.
Then he suddenly started racing back to the forest where
he had emerged.
"Wait for me…"
My feet were scorched by the branches and obstacles I
was encountering on my way, chasing after my only
friend. I had been walking on and on, to discover the
same thick landscape.
Were we walking in circles?
I stopped for a few seconds, gasping for air and
noticed how this dense and primeval forest had been
deadly silent except for my steps echoing in darkness.
I kept on venturing forward.
I finally caught up with Jester who had come to a
halt, in the middle of a deforested area.
My blood froze in my veins when I discovered crosses
and rocky mounds, bleached skeletons and ragged
clothes.
A cemetery?
Jester had stopped his course next to a tomb that
was barely lit by the moon. He was barking nervously.
"What is it, Jester?" I asked, carefully drawing
nearer.
Glancing around me, I could see names carved in funeral
monuments. They sounded vaguely familiar, whereas I
couldn't recall where I had heard them in the first place.
When I was close enough, I read the inscription
on the wooden cross Jester was guarding.
It said "Amy Colman 1571 – 1587".
I collapsed on the brown soil, bursting in tears.
Heavy rain was soon cleaving the night sky, as I
understood I was sobbing in front of my remains.
I was drenched and vulnerable, but no longer cared.
Rage was rising inside my guts.
"Is that what you wanted me to see?" I shouted, in
despair. "Are we really born to die?"
A lightning split the sky in response, followed by
a loud crash of thunder.
It landed on a nearby tree that quickly caught fire,
accompanied by the moaning of my friend.
"What is it, Jester?" I asked worried, blood
coming from his eyes.
He responded by looking at me.
"No, no! Stay with me!"
But he had already turned into bones, leaving me
alone, once more.
I closed my eyes and let heavy tears roll down my cheeks.
"I hate You, I hate You!" my heart let out.
My heart still cold with fear, I was gripped by the same
question.
Where am I?
"Amy…" I heard a voice whisper.
I suddenly sensed rich flower scents overcoming
my nostrils and a sweet and deep chant calling my name.
Unwilling to open my eyes this time, I let the chant carry
me away…
"Amy, remember…"
Amy? Is that my name?
"Wake up…" the voice was urging.
Please someone, help me…
What have I done to deserve this?
"Please, I'm begging you. Please..." I cried out, invaded
by a torrent of tears.
Everything swirled, the whole world and… I…I…
–
CHAPTER 5 –
Aquamarine
I opened my eyes, feeling sore and exhausted, only to
realize that I was in a tent warmed by a fire whose
perfumed fumes were soothing.
I could hardly move.
I suddenly remembered the pain that I had felt,
the cold and sharp arrow that had pierced me, deep
within.
Wanting to check my wound, I realized that my blood-
stained dress had been replaced by a long piece of
cloth… It had stopped bleeding…
Where am I?
Unable to answer from where I lay, I tried to
move, my feet seemingly refusing to obey. I focused and
focused again, until I saw my toes silently curl.
I can do this, I can do this I was repeating to
myself, trying to move my legs this time, the muscles
protecting my stomach tensing at my attempt.
I was almost sitting when my effort was
hampered by the sight of a boy whose brown eyes were
analyzing my every movement.
"Wait!" I called him, but he had already gone.
The small tent was now filled with the severe look of an
old white-haired Indian who had entered.
He examined my former wound and finished his
course sitting down next to me, staring at me. When our
eyes met, I could feel inner wisdom irradiate. This
impression was reinforced by the glittering of his eyes
and his feathered headgear.
He did not utter a single word but seemed to read me like
an open book.
I soon felt vulnerable and guilty.
"Please, could you tell me where I am?"
He did not answer, instead, his left hand made a
gentle movement.
Suddenly, another man entered.
Manteo? He was also staring at me, but seemed furious,
enraged even.
"What happened to me?" I blurted out,
embarrassed.
He took a seat in front of me, his brown eyes
reflecting determination.
"Secotans attacked. You were alone, hurt.
Powwaw heal." he replied, indicating the old man next to
me.
"You mean they fled and left me behind?"
Manteo didn't add anything.
"Where am I?"
"Croatoan. My people."
"Thank God! We need to hurry, you know
everyone is starving at the camp… We could use some
food and supplies…"
"English kill Croatoan. My people move here,
inland."
"What are you saying?"
"My mother... others, from village…" his words
were failing at controlling his anger and sadness.
"I… I'm so sorry…" I added, not knowing what
else to say.
Suddenly they started conversing. I could not
understand anything, but the wise man's demeanour
remained calm and steady.
Manteo was replying nervously, with swift
movements and rage in his voice.
The old Indian said one last word and silenced
him. He suddenly stood up.
"What… What are you going to do with me?" I
asked, panic in my voice.
"Powwaw say you stay here. First you heal."
Manteo explained before following the old Indian
outside.
Once more, I was left alone, alone with myself,
alone in this strange world.
Days or weeks passed and all resembled each other.
I had lost all track of time. I had not seen Manteo since
my arrival at his village and was unable to communicate
with anyone.
I can walk now and, God willing, I will run away
from here as fast as I can… I thought, getting dressed
with the outfit and boots I had received.
I spent the day in my tent most of the time, the same one
where I had woken up on my first day here.
Outside, I felt like a ghost wandering in oblivion, totally
invisible to the rest of the world. The whole village
totally ignored me; the women and children I was
encountering were walking away as soon as I appeared.
Letting me stay had clearly been their chief's order – a
decision that seemed to upset everyone.
I could not blame them though…
Their village was large, teeming with life. I had
noticed how different they were from us: women
appeared to be the keepers of their home but tended to
their land while men were away, probably protecting
their tribe. Each family unit was sharing their own tent.
Why have they kept me alive? I was repeatedly
asking myself.
The sun was rising, colouring the whole horizon. And
eating my daily intake of golden vegetables, I was
conscious of the precarious conditions Elyoner and the
others were still living in.
I felt guilty at my own powerlessness to save them.
Tonight. I further thought. I'm leaving tonight.
The whole village seemed to be sleeping, while I was
leaving my tent, in the middle of the night.
This scene seemed vaguely familiar as I recalled
my departure from Plymouth several months before.
I was cautious not to make any sound and
escaped, once more, without looking back.
I kept on walking fast, as fast as I could, totally blind, the
memory of my wound still present when I stumbled on a
branch in the middle of the forest.
I had been reckless, I knew I should have come
up with a proper plan before leaving…
But it was too late and I had no time to lose in this hostile
environment.
I stood up, feeling the scratches my legs had endured.
My left knee was bleeding.
All of a sudden, I heard a growl.
A wolf was staring at me, the moon deepening its stare.
I was a prey, totally defenseless.
My heart started racing, guessing it was the end.
Wishing to face death fearless for I had tried to live my
life righteously, I started praying our Holy Mother.
But instead of attacking, I could now hear the
wolf retreat.
When I was sure it had gone, I burst into tears and
collapsed on the ground. My eyelids closed themselves
naturally, finding comfort in sleep.
I woke up in his arms, awakened by his wild musky
scent. I felt secure and protected from the world and all
its dangers that I had faced, so far, alone.
"Your name…what does it mean?" I asked, my
voice faint.
"Burning Fire…"
"Thank you… Manteo." I said before letting my
whole body sink into the night.
The rain had stopped.
I could still see the tree that had been struck by lightning
but all the tombs had vanished. Instead there lay a field
where grass and little flower buds had grown.
"I don't understand…" my heart poured out,
feeling slightly lighter.
"Accept these emotions, knowing they are not
who you are… This is what you can see when you look
beyond… Go on now…" the same voice replied softly.
And letting the sweet and strong vibration of the call
carry me, I went on walking, following moonlight rays.
This path finally led me to a clear waterfall whose liquid
particles mixed with the refracted light of the moon.
It was creating a rainbow, surmounted by the rocky wall
of a mountain.
Mesmerised, I walked on to approach the water
when I heard a loud roar.
Further advancing towards the waterfall, I suddenly
realized there was an entry, a cave inside.
The cave let out another grave sound.
Panic surging, my mind was racing to find a way
to protect myself.
A wooden bow and arrow appeared at my feet. I
rapidly took hold of them and aimed at the cavity where
the sound had come from.
When the same roar emerged, my hands
mechanically shot the arrow into the dark cave.
A loud cry was now rising up, sending chills
down my spine.
I needed to check what was in there, I needed to
know but at the same time, I pondered whether to go
around the mountain to find another way in.
"Whatever you choose, these paths lead to the
same destination…" I heard the voice echo within me.
Overcome by curiosity, I thought of a means to
light up the path.
A burning torch appear at my feet.
Was this landscape adapting to my will?
Its flame was illuminating shadows at the entrance of the
cave. I removed it from the smooth damp floor and
entered.
I was proceeding carefully, step by step, guided by the
still louder moaning of the creature I knew I had
wounded, the torch in my hands.
Accustomed to darkness, my steps sped up.
But nothing had prepared me for what I was now
witnessing.
A huge she-wolf lay defeated in front of me, her
pain vibrating through my whole body.
She was desperately trying to move but something was
preventing her to do so, nailing her to the ground.
I started moving forward when her strong jaw
sent protest in my direction.
But I went on and was now standing at her white furry
flank. The arrow… I realized.
I glanced at the wooden end of the weapon next to her
heart. I could see a dark liquid oozing from her wound.
I resumed looking at her, her head was down and I felt
submerged by an aura of sadness, touched by this
magnificent creature. I didn't want to let her die, let
alone be her murderer.
My free hand started patting her leg slowly when
she gave out another moan.
"Easy now…" I whispered.
I approached her more closely, my hand now touching
the end of the arrow.
"Be brave…" I said, before removing it quickly.
She let out an incredible cry.
I went standing in front of her eyes, now fearless.
I could feel her warm breathing on my face.
I approached my hand. "Easy beauty…"
She bent her head and let me pat her forehead.
My eyes were watering as I was sharing her
relief.
But, all of a sudden, she lifted her head and
turned around.
"What is it?" I asked, more to myself.
Her huge body was now standing, moving
forward inside the cave, her every step making the walls
tremble.
I could feel the cave was on the verge of collapsing.
"Wait! Take me with you!"
She stopped abruptly and bent, giving me the
opportunity to jump on her back.
She kept on running forward, avoiding the debris of the
wall, when I perceived what she was heading for: the
light, at the end of the tunnel.
And using all her strength, she forced her way out,
jumping out of the dark cave.
I woke up fully dressed the next morning, wondering if I
had dreamt the events of the previous night.
My bruised legs and knee were the painful reminder that
I had not.
I still felt shaken and lost, but I was also grateful,
for the opportunity to live, one more day.
I stood up and went out.
No one was around.
But this time, I decided to go to the nearby river where
the women of the village were used to bathing.
I slowly got undressed on the river bank.
I felt blessed by the sun, warming my skin, enveloping
me, by the wind caressing my face and the earth
sustaining my every step.
I entered the water.
The river, gently flowing, felt fresh and healing.
I let my whole body sink to the bottom, and stayed there,
eyes open, appraising my strength to reach the surface
again.
My will to live was strong and aided by my feet, I
emerged.
I felt rejuvenated.
I was observing the river, its constant flow, movement of
life, cleansing with force and determination.
And I made a vow to let the current of life run through
me, flow freely, like this river.
I turned around, peaceful, when I saw Manteo.
He was standing on the river bank, looking straight at
me, his eyes not betraying a single emotion.
I motioned forward to emerge out of the water,
exposing myself to his sight, totally naked.
I would not let myself be intimidated by anyone, not
now, not ever. So I walked on, holding his gaze.
He broke it to kneel and retrieve my dress.
He gently gave it to me before leaving without saying
anything...
I walked back to the village, not knowing what to expect
in view of my escape attempt the night before.
Interrupting their chores or games, women, men
and children were all watching me silently as I was
moving forward to meet the white-haired Indian who
seemed to expect me, Manteo standing on his left.
When we were face to face, he started talking,
motioning to Manteo.
"You made peace with wolf. Here." Manteo
translated, his hand on my heart.
"We help colony."
I looked back into Powwaw's eyes, a tear
trickling down my cheek. And I saw him smile before
disappearing into his tent.
–
CHAPTER 6 –
Lapis Lazuli
"How do you call this?" I asked, showing my ration of
golden vegetables.
"Pagatowr…" Manteo explained with patience.
"Pagatowr…" I repeated.
"In English?"
"I don't know, we don't have vegetables like this
at home…" But I was doubting England had ever been
mine.
I had been meeting Manteo daily for the past few days.
He was teaching me his world and I was trying to teach
him mine.
My knowledge of Croatoan was still limited and
communication with the villagers was challenging, but I
always tried to give them a hand to the best of my ability.
Everyone in the village was showing him deference, as
he was one of the greatest warriors of his tribe, along
with his three remaining brothers.
Manteo's father, Powwaw, was their chief and
spiritual leader, protecting sixteen families.
He had commissioned a group of six warriors to bring
provisions to the colony, two of Manteo's brothers were
among them.
Powwaw had outlived two wives, one of them
had been Manteo's mother, their previous leader.
His knowledge of medicinal plants and flowers had
already saved many lives, including mine. He was even
willing to share his traditions through one of his sons. It
was a man I greatly respected, not only for his wise
decisions, but also for his way of always seeing the best
in people.
Manteo also had two sisters: Miakoda – Power of
the Moon – who was eighteen and married to Milap –
Charitable – and Minal – Fruit – who was younger and
always smiling.
Every morning, I worked with the women of the
village. I loved them for being so delicate but proud and
strong at the same time.
Even if the men were there to protect them, Indian
women had undoubtedly the last word on every subject.
Sharing their everyday life, I could see harmony among
them and, above all, mutual respect.
However the eldest women remained very silent
whenever I was around. I knew they had to cope with the
grief of losing some of theirs, grief that my people had
inflicted.
The more I was learning their ways, the more
disturbed I was by what John White and his men had
done. They had killed Manteo's older brother – Wematin
– and his youngest sister – Onawa – along with six young
men from his village. The colonists had mistaken them
for the Secotans who had attacked the colony. They had
taken their lives in the name of hatred and retaliation
whereas Croatoans had only taught me peace and respect.
Wematin's tall, dignified and beautiful widow named
Imala never missed an opportunity to eye me
suspiciously whenever I tried to approach her two young
sons, Keme, whose name meant Thunder and
Kesegowaase, who had received his name in honor of his
agility while hunting. They couldn't be much older than
eight and ten and were often watched over by their uncle,
Kitchi, meaning Brave, Imala's older brother.
But Manteo's cousin, Kajika, Walks without
sound and his wife, Kanti, Sings, had welcomed me like
their sister. They had three children: a girl, Kewanee,
Prairie hen, a boy named Igasho, Wanders and another
girl who was two, Kineks, Rosebud.
With them, I had found that I could really be myself,
Kineks very fond of discovering new games.
"Come." Manteo asked, taking my hand in his.
We were walking away from the village. He was leading
me to an open field, afar.
I could see where they were growing crops and I
quickly recognized the same golden vegetable I really
appreciated. "Pagatowr!" I proudly said.
Manteo smiled.
I was watching Croatoan women courageously
working in the fields. "Why are they burying dead fish
next to each plant?"
"To make grow strong, nourish Mother Earth."
I suddenly let my thoughts be carried away.
Sadness was filling my heart.
"I am so sorry for what my people did to your people…"
I said, my voice shaking.
Manteo nodded, avoiding my gaze.
Remembering all the vivid images I had seen and
knowing this would be the only occasion I would have, I
went on "I…I saw things at the camp…I…"
Manteo was facing me again.
"It was like a dream… I saw a boy on our first
day and I knew George had been scalped… before they
brought him back..."
"You talk with Powwaw…" he said offering his
hand once more.
In Powwaw's tent, my head was spinning with the scent
of herbs. They were both in front of me, Manteo ready to
translate.
My heart was hammering against my chest at the
thought of feeling cast out again. But I needed to know
what was going on with me.
I started telling them about every vision I
remembered.
Powwaw's face remained expressionless. He had
remained silent for a while but suddenly started talking.
"Spirit talk…" Manteo translated.
"I… I don't understand…"
"We all come from Kitche Manitou, Great Spirit:
wind, water, earth, sun, rocks, trees, animals, men,
women and children. We are all brothers and sisters.
When brothers, sisters die, they must go home, to Kitche
Manitou. Some stay here." Manteo explained, his hand
on the ground.
"Are you saying I saw ghosts? But why are they
staying here?"
Powwaw made a sign with his hands.
"Heart closed, no respect for Mother Earth, for
Great Spirit. Feed with anger, hate, sadness, regret…
"Was it their name I saw on the tombs?"
Powwaw started singing, sprinkling some more
herbs on the fire in front of him. After a moment, he
resumed talking.
"Tomorrow Powwaw show you…" Manteo
finished translating "It is great honour…"
Thank you…" I respectfully whispered.
We were both leaving Powwaw's tent when
Wyanet approached us both.
She was by far the most beautiful woman from
the village. She was tall, her long dark hair and tanned
skin adding to her natural beauty. She had not once
exchanged a word with me since my arrival. I knew she
and Imala were close friends.
She started talking to Manteo, fast, totally
ignoring me.
He then turned around to look at me and left.
I returned to my tent, my heart ready to burst.
"Mother Earth talk." Powwaw was explaining in his
native tongue on our way to the forest.
"Here …" Manteo said taking my hands. He put
them on the trunk of a great oak.
I looked at its bark and branches, its leaves
dancing in the wind.
"Close your eyes, listen…" he further translated.
I did as I was invited, letting the scents of the tree
sweeping through me, remembering its leaves, their
colour, their shape and movement.
"Now open heart, feel…"
I quickly felt my heart swell, energy pouring out
from this magnificent tree and joining mine. I felt
peaceful, tears in my eyes, my whole body warmed and
protected.
I opened my eyes, grateful.
I thanked the beautiful white oak for I knew I had heard
its heartbeat, its sap spreading life to all its branches and
leaves.
"Trees same as Croatoans. High branches, deep
roots…First you become like tree…then Powwaw
continue teaching." Manteo finished translating.
–
CHAPTER 7 –
Amethyst
That night, festivities were being prepared to celebrate
the approach of harvest. I was carefully getting dressed
in my tent with the regalia I had been sewing for the past
few days. I was hoping it would be adequate for the
ceremony.
When I went out, I saw a blazing fire erected in
the middle of the village, around which everyone had
gathered. The men were wearing necklaces made of
feathers, the women and children were beautifully
dressed.
Kajika and Kitchi were beating large surfaces, in
continuous rhythm.
The air was filled with the scent of herbs that I knew to
be sacred.
I saw Manteo was alone. But it was not long
before Wyanet came to stand next to him, taking his arm.
When I saw him look at me, my thoughts and eyes
quickly turned to Kanti and her three children. I moved
on to attend the ceremony next to them.
We were all forming a circle around the huge fire whose
flames depicted different shades of colour.
Powwaw started singing, his prayer echoing in
the night sky. He was quickly followed by his whole
tribe, all their voices becoming one.
I was letting Powwaw's song and the rhythm of
their drums sweep along all my thoughts, like the flow of
the river. I was soon hypnotized by the almost passionate
movement of the dancing flames.
Rapidly those flames took the shape of two
bodies, lovingly dancing with each other.
Their movement exuding force and sensuality soon
intertwined to merge into one powerful flame, getting
brighter and brighter.
I realized that Powwaw had stopped chanting
when I felt someone's hand on my shoulder.
Manteo's younger brother was inviting me to
follow him.
Facing us, I saw Manteo leave with Wyanet.
I felt my heart shatter, break into sour pieces.
I excused myself and went back to my tent, no longer
able to contain my emotions.
Unable to sleep, I decided to go back to the river at first
light.
I sat down on the river bank.
I was holding my knees against my chest, trying to find
some peace of mind.
As I kept on watching the river flow, I discretely
erased my tears with the back of my hand.
I could feel my heart pounding fast, then slowing down.
I was breathing in the air around me.
I could feel the sun on my skin, warming me.
I could smell the earth and water, the scent of flowers
and grass.
I could hear the wind, whistling in the leaves, singing
even and a deep voice resuming Remember who you
are…
It was interrupted by a sudden call from afar.
I could feel anxiety growing in me while running back to
the village.
I was back at my tent, witnessing children running
around while their mothers were urging them to hide.
Manteo was talking to Wyanet, fast.
When she took his hands, my heart constricted
again. But I had understood one word. Secotans…
Manteo had told that Croatoans were trading with them
but that conflicts had happened before, the Secotans too
keen on using violence whenever they deemed the trade
unsatisfactory. One of their warriors had most certainly
been Master Howe's murderer.
When Manteo nodded to me, I knew I had to take
shelter too, I guessed my presence could put them all in
jeopardy.
I nodded back to show I had understood.
He then left to join Powwaw, his brother and the
other warriors from his village.
Wyanet threw a glance at me, apparently furious
before leaving as well.
I was heading for Kanti's when I heard Imala
calling her sons.
And I suddenly remembered that Keme and
Kesegowaase had planned to go hunting rabbits that
morning.
"Imala…" I said, touching her shoulders.
She turned around, her face distorted with worry.
"I think I know where they are… Keme,
Kesegowaase, ouray lulu" Arrow, rabbit…
But she ignored me totally and resumed searching
for her boys within the village.
I need to do something…
I gathered all my courage and started running in the
direction of the fields, careful to avoid the route Powwaw
and his warriors were taking.
I can do this… I was repeating to myself.
I arrived sweating at the edge of the village and started
searching frantically for Keme and Kesegowaase trough
the crops.
When I heard the grass move, I knew someone
was near.
I quickly lay low, hoping the crops would hide
my presence.
I soon heard Powwaw's familiar voice, probably
greeting the leader of the Secotan tribe.
"Weembot wopposhaumosh…" a voice I did not
recognize replied, enraged.
Wopposhaumosh… I know what it means…
White! They're talking about white men… I realized as I
suddenly saw Keme and his brother, hidden like me.
They were not far from where I was.
As I met their gaze, I motioned them to keep
silent. And they crawled back into the fields.
I waited until sundown before joining the boys, having
made sure the Secotans had left.
When we arrived at the village, Keme and
Kesegowaase ran back to their mother.
Manteo was next to her, angrily staring at me.
I walked on and stood in front of him, not knowing what
to expect.
"You want to die?" he blurted out before
leaving.
Imala's brother, Kitchi, approached me with a
tear-streaked face.
I asked him what had happened in Croatoan.
He motioned to follow him and took me to the
opposite end of the village.
There I observed, horrified, the bodies of the six
warriors Powwaw had sent to the colony, dry blood
around their bullet wounds, their family crying.
Powwaw has lost two more sons, because of me…
I shut my eyes in shame and started sobbing.
My heart was bitter.
PART 3
HOME
–
Autumn 1587
(…) This is in us the godhead small and marred;
In this human portion of divinity
She seats the greatness of the Soul in Time
To uplift from light to light, from power to power,
Till on a heavenly peak it stands, a king. (…)
Sri Aurobindo, Savitri, Book VII, Canto V, p.527.
–
CHAPTER 1 –
Thymus
Stricken by guilt, I started thinking about the colonists
and their family. I was confused by ambivalent emotions.
What they had inflicted to the Croatoans was
unconceivable.
On the other hand, the Secotans had talked about white
people. Maybe they were planning an attack…
One thing was certain: I couldn't bring myself to let
anyone die.
My being here is too dangerous to this village anyway, I
thought, certainly trying to convince myself.
This idea soon became the incentive I needed to leave.
But this time, I knew my way around.
Putting on my old clothes, I decided to follow the
river. And in doing so, I was leaving everything behind,
my heart included.
I had been walking for hours, letting the moon show me
the way. I was further walking into darkness, choking
back tears.
The air is still warm I noticed while listening to all the
sounds around me.
But I was no longer frightened of the nature.
Needing to catch my breath, I decided to rest for a
few minutes.
Suddenly I heard a small branch crack behind me
and felt hands cover my mouth.
Gripped with fear, I started kicking my aggressor
when something hard hit the back of my head.
I passed out.
I opened my eyes with a jolt.
Around me, I quickly counted six Indians. They were
talking vividly. Their faces were distorted by the light of
their torches, their shadows dancing in the middle of the
forest.
"Untie me, you have no right!" I ordered showing
my hands. I was trying to stand with difficulty.
"Silence…" one of them, probably their leader,
said in Algonquian. He was tall, wearing a series of
ostentatious necklaces. His brown eyes were full of
hatred, his jerky movements full of violence.
"You are nothing…" he resumed in English after kicking
my legs, forcing me to bend in front of him.
Surprised to hear English coming from his mouth,
I came to understand who this man was, remembering
John White's tales about Manteo and his friend,
Wanchese.
"Please, let me go!"
He spat at me in reply. "White people deserve
nothing..." he added, motioning to his soldiers.
"Please, I…"
I was soon taken away by one of his warriors,
who was pulling me by the hair.
I started shouting, fear coursing through my
veins.
The assailant laughed in reply, his heavy breath
all over my face. Suddenly he tore my dress apart,
uncovering my breasts.
I shouted even more and tried to struggle.
But he already had his hand on my mouth,
smothering my cry for help.
He was now forcing himself on me. I felt so powerless…
When excruciating pain came from my womb and a
warm liquid flew between my legs, all my body started
crying in shame.
I bit one of his fingers with all my force as a last attempt
to stop him.
He shouted then hit my head again and knocked me out.
A surge of pure adrenalin woke me up. I was still
surrounded by darkness.
Cold and sore, I tried to sit down, my whole body
trembling with the memory of what I had been inflicted
on, my hands still tied up.
I felt nauseous, disgust spreading to all my organs.
I had felt him inside me, I had felt his anger and his hate,
the violence that had been tearing him apart for so long.
All of a sudden, I saw a feeble light approach me.
I quickly recognized Wanchese, holding a torch
and immediately tried to hide, acting like a beaten
animal.
"No escape now…"
"Please, help me, somebody!" I cried out, a wave
of panic engulfing me.
"You alone…" he added, sniggering, kicking my
stomach.
I protected myself as much as I could, fearing his
next blow.
"You are nothing!"
I started crying which made him laugh even
more. He had won and resumed humiliating me for what
seemed to be hours.
When I was on the verge of passing out again, he left me
there, barely alive in the dark.
I felt relieved to realize he had gone.
But I also knew he would be back.
I didn't know how long I could go on enduring his
assaults… I was totally defenseless, at the mercy of his
cruelty, a mere shadow of my former self…
My mind was racing, trying to find a way out.
My thoughts rapidly turned to Manteo…
But my eyelids were too heavy and I sank into a deep
sleep.
–
CHAPTER 2 –
Amyris balsamifera
I woke up disorientated but soon recalled where I lay.
How long have I been here? I asked myself, nausea
settled in my stomach.
I tried to calm down by focusing on my breathing and
felt lighter.
My eyes started adjusting to the absence of light.
However my attention quickly turned to the sound of
steps coming closer.
Two warriors were now in front of me, the light
of their torch blinded me.
They took my tied hands and pulled me up.
I did not say anything or resisted. I started
walking behind them.
We quickly joined Wanchese and some other men
he was talking to.
I understood that he wanted to use me to lure the
colonists outside the settlement.
There are survivors…
I felt relieved at the delivered news even if I was ignorant
of the course events would take.
Wanchese's warriors were now pulling me
further, still forcing me to walk.
"What do you want from me?" I yelled, enraged.
"You're no better than the white people you hate!
You don't scare me, do you hear me? You will never
destroy me, never!"
Totally ignoring me, Wanchese started leading
his group in the forest after leaving their torch behind –
the only beacons of light in this dark night sky.
We had been walking for what seemed hours when they
all suddenly stopped.
Two of them were now carrying me away.
I was forced to sit down, far from the remaining
group.
All of a sudden, I heard a strange sound cleaving
through the air.
One of my assailants fell onto the ground, quickly
followed by the other, his weapon still in his hand.
This time I saw the arrow that had pierced his
heart. Tears were clouding my eyes as I was trying to
stand. But I soon felt soothed by muscular arms helping
me up.
"Come, quick." Manteo whispered, cutting my
ties.
He retrieved the arrows from the oozing wounds of my
attackers and we both fled without looking back.
–
CHAPTER 3 –
Ledum
We had been running for quite some time when I realized
that my legs were shaking.
Probably sensing my distress, Manteo helped me
go forward. He seemed to know where we were heading.
I could hear a waterfall nearby.
We had taken shelter on a mountain, water falling down
in front of us. This virgin landscape, lit by the moon and
stars, was spreading out on the horizon.
We were both hidden from the rest of the world.
"Drink this…" he offered after crushing some
herbs.
"What is it?"
"To help heal…" he said looking at the dried
blood between my legs.
I felt so ashamed but drank the whole mixture.
"Rest now." his strong voice was muffled by the
sound of falling water.
"No…" I vividly answered, unable to find peace
after what had happened.
Manteo remained silent but respectfully hid my
naked breasts with the torn part of my dress.
I could feel his anger, tensing his muscles.
"They're planning to attack the colonists…"
"Powwaw know, send me warn white people."
And after a few seconds, he went on "Why leave?"
"I wanted to warn the settlers, I… I thought you
would let them die after what they did… And I… I'm an
outsider…" I said, confused.
But, probably unsatisfied with my explanation,
Manteo resumed asking me "Why?"
"I… I don't belong with you... Wyanet does…"
At these words, he turned around to face the
waterfall.
"You regret saving me…"
"No!" he replied angrily, facing me again.
He slowly came nearer, his hands softly touching
my cheeks. "I am sorry… what they did…"
His eyes were still in mine when he slowly
approached his face and kissed me.
And I felt safe, my heart opening up to find his.
I woke up, my head resting on Manteo's muscular chest,
his scent having become mine.
The sun was slowly rising.
He looked at me and I looked back at him, his
right hand caressing my hair.
He stood up, giving me another opportunity to admire his
sculptural body.
I did the same in silence and tied a knot with the
torn fabric to cover my breasts.
My heart resumed pounding hard in my chest.
Did he feel the same way I did?
I put a hand on his shoulder.
He was facing me, his hand finding its way back
into my hair.
When we suddenly heard steps drawing nearer.
I searched for his eyes, panic-stricken, not
knowing what to do.
Manteo quickly glanced at the waterfall.
"Jump…" I heard him say, my hand in his.
My longs felt like exploding when I reached the surface,
fighting for surviving.
The river was fast-flowing and I had trouble keeping my
head out of the water.
Manteo…
He was nowhere near me.
I let my body float, for as long as I could.
Until, in the distance, I saw a tree whose long stump had
found its way into the river.
Drawing level with its branches, I clung to one of them
and lifted my body up with all the strength I had left.
Panting, I tried to catch my breath on the large tree root.
My heart was racing relentlessly.
I had been walking for three days, only stopping for a
few minutes, when I could no longer keep on following
the river bank.
I knew I needed to go on, no matter what.
Come on Amy!
But I also knew I was no longer Amy, I had seen too
much, lived too much.
The river had given me the length ahead I needed to warn
the settlers.
I was just hoping I would not be too late…
I was watching the sky, the fresh wind was showing me
the way.
Hope illuminated my heart when I recognized the mouth
of the river we had taken on our way out of Roanoke.
It seemed to be so long ago…
I stopped abruptly when I heard heavy steps
towards me and the loud breathing of a dog.
Jester?
"Dyonis" I shouted, recognizing their voices in
the distance.
"Who's there?" Henry Berrye was asking.
I froze with horror when I saw Thomas holding a rope,
pulling Manteo like an animal ready for slaughter.
Manteo's hands were tied, his forehead covered
in blood.
"Release him immediately!"
"Don't move or you're done with!" Henry
answered. He was aiming his musket at me, preventing
me from going any further.
"Amy?" a woman was shouting afar.
They were all glaring at me, with an air of
disbelief.
"I'm still alive thanks to Manteo, release him,
now!" I cried out, angry.
"Manteo's a traitor!" Dyonis added.
"Amy is dead…" Thomas shouted.
"Amy…" Elyoner was running to me, Virginia in
her arms. "Please help us…" She looked at me,
imploring, then resumed talking to the others "Do as she
says!"
Without losing any time, I went to Manteo, my
eyes brimming with sudden tears.
Henry untied him.
"What have they done to you?" I was asking,
more to myself.
"I am fine." he replied.
But I was still avoiding his gaze.
His hand on my chin invited me to dive into his
eyes. "I am fine."
"What's going on here?" Thomas's voice
resonated. He seemed horrified to see me.
"The Secotans are coming. Manteo and I came to
warn you…" I waited before going on.
Manteo nodded his agreement.
"…and give you shelter. We must go. But not
before you swear to respect the people who are offering
you protection. Your bloodshed ends now!" And when I
said so, observing them all, I saw how lost and scared
they were.
"My father… He said he would come…" Elyoner
thought out loud.
"We will come back to warn him in time, I
promise you."
"Amy, I'm not sur we can go on in these
circumstances…" Dyonis said, baby George crying in his
arms.
And when I noticed that Elyoner's daughter, held
tight onto her chest, had been silent all this time, I sensed
what he had meant.
"Elyoner, let me look at her, please."
"She is fine, Virginia is fine. You know she is."
she was repeating, holding on to her baby.
"My God…" I said glancing at the tiny lifeless
being. "I'm so sorry…"
She was still rocking Virginia in her arms.
I slowly took her baby, wrapped in her grey linen.
"Let me…" Henry suggested, taking his friend's
daughter.
Elyoner had collapsed on the ground, crying out
of despair.
I knelt next to her and took her in my arms,
rocking her to solace, rocking her to peace.
–
CHAPTER 4 –
Rosa
Virginia was buried inland, following the colonists' own
tradition and surrounded by us all. A ray of light was
illuminating her tomb and a white rose was protecting
her.
Elyoner, Thomas, Dyonis, his son and Henry
Berrye were what was left of John White's colony; five
people whose bodies were marked by starvation and
hopelessness.
Elyoner had carved a stone next to Virginia's final
resting place to warn her father and his crew.
As for Thomas, he had not pronounced a single
word to me, pretending I was not there. I came to
understand from Dyonis that he had come back to
Roanoke with the Berrye brothers and that John Burden
had been left to die on the river bank, like me.
Every day had seen its lot of sufferings and
deaths. Virginia had died of dehydration, so had half of
their group. Some colonists had gone so desperate that
they had chosen to terminate their life, turning to the sea,
others had started attacking their own. They had killed
Ananias and had to be "put down", as Dyonis was further
explaining.
They had stayed within the settlement, as long as
they had been able to, repelling Secotans' regular attacks,
waiting for John White to save them.
But barely nourished, the survivors had decided to move
on, leaving the name of their destination on a nearby tree
– Cro – just before meeting Manteo.
On our way back to Powwaw's village, I
explained that White and his men had mistaken
Croatoans for Secotans, provoking the deaths of a lot of
Manteo's family members.
I knew they had regrets.
Elyoner was still mute, avoiding us all.
I couldn't blame her.
Manteo was leading us all, accompanied by
Jester, Robert's dog, who was on his guard.
He suggested resting after dusk.
The sun was going down, illuminating the orange, yellow
and pink leaves of the trees around us.
Manteo had warned us against making a fire which
would have rendered us too visible.
He had plucked and distributed edible berries, crushing
some for baby George.
"May I?" I asked Dyonis.
He answered by giving me his son, whom I
started feeding with the mixture Manteo had prepared.
He gluttonously ate, then peacefully fell asleep.
"How did he survive?" I asked, noticing the
baby's frailty.
Dyonis glanced at Elyoner who finally let out in a
faint voice "After Ananias' death, I…I had no more milk
to feed her…"
"Margery fed both babies for as long as she
could…" Dyonis went on, "I gave them goat's milk after
her passing…"
"But Virginia always refused it…" Elyoner
finished, further withdrawing from the conversation.
I gave George back to his father, then put my
hand on Elyoner's shoulder before sitting down next to
Manteo. The rest of my friends were mute and exhausted.
Jester put his golden face on my lap.
Turning to Manteo, I whispered "Wanchese…"
His face was depicting pain.
"I thought he was your friend…"
After a moment of silence, he started "I am
sixteen. Parents send me and Wanchese with white men,
to trade. In England, we see big ships and lands…
Wanchese come here and want revenge."
"I still don't understand…"
He answered in Croatoan "When Wanchese got
back from England, his mother and father, all the
children and warriors of his tribe became very sick. This
strange disease was spreading fast and decimated almost
all of them. They sought my mother for advice but she
had never seen anything like it. She prepared herbs and
managed to cure some of them. Wanchese's heart was
filled with hatred and sadness. He decided to gather all
the warriors the epidemic had spared to make sure this
never happens again…"
"But why don't you hate us all too, after what
we've done to your people?" Thomas asked.
Manteo answered, turning to me "She teach me
peace…"
We finally arrived after a week, relief washing away my
sorrow. I still didn't know how the villagers would react
at the sight of the colonists. I observed Manteo and could
sense his worry too.
The village was ominously silent as we were all entering
it.
We caught sight of some Croatoan women.
I noticed Kanti was among them, dried tears on her
cheeks, her face contorted with pain.
Wyanet ran to Manteo and took him in her arms.
He gently removed them from around his neck.
She soon broke down and wept
.
When Imala led Manteo into his father's tent, I
feared for the worst.
"Go…" Kanti added, pointing at the direction he
had taken.
I complied, leaving the settlers.
When I entered, I saw Powwaw lain on the ground, herbs
filling in the entire air.
He was dying.
Manteo had knelt down next to his father and was
holding his hand.
"My son…"
"Father?" Manteo was asking in Algonquian, his
voice hoarse with sadness.
"My time has come…" I understood.
Powwaw invited me to come closer.
I knelt, facing Manteo, as he was asked to
translate "At first, Great Spirit, The One, created
Universe, Sun, Moon, Stars, Earth... Earth, our Mother,
protect us, nourish us, love us. From her womb, Mother
create Life: Fire, Air, Earth and Water, Rocks, Trees,
Animals and humans. We are all children of Great Spirit.
World is changing… Unite us..."
"How?" I asked, warm tears rolling down my
cheeks.
"Ho'oponopono" Powwaw answered with great
strength and simplicity.
"What does it mean?" I asked Manteo.
"I love… thank… the Great Spirit and Earth,
Father and Mother. I love… thank… forgive and … ask
forgiveness to my brothers. I go to the Great Spirit… in
peace... I wish… peace… to all." he translated, his voice
quavering.
And at the mention of these last words, Powwaw
took my hand and put it into Manteo's. "No end… only
beginnings…" Manteo finished translating when
Powwaw let out a last breath.
Powwaw was buried in a wooden temple, with his
beautiful feathers. He lay alongside the former tribe
chiefs and close to all their lost ones who had perished
under the hand of Wanchese and his men.
After the ceremony, Manteo gathered everyone in
the middle of his village and asked me to stand next to
him.
"You translate?"
"My people. My heart still cries for my father and
all our dear ones. But it is time to forgive and move on.
My father willed it so and as your new leader I will it so.
The Secotans, led by Wanchese, want war with the white
men. They will come to kill them. It is time for us to join
my mother's brother and establish peace."
At these last words, Manteo's tribe started
regrouping in silence. They were preparing their leave,
each one appointed to a specific task.
Manteo joined them without adding anything.
What was left of the colonists looked distraught,
not knowing what to expect.
"And now?" Henry asked.
"Now we follow them…"
–
CHAPTER 5 –
Salvia
We arrived at Dyami's village, Manteo's uncle, after a
long journey walking further north.
On the way, we had got acquainted with every
member of Powwaw's tribe, Manteo and I playing the
intermediaries whenever it was necessary. I guessed
colonists and Indians realized they had more in common
than they had previously thought; we all suffered from
grief after the loss of friends or family.
Manteo was taken by his new position but never
failed to make sure we were following them without too
much trouble. The harsh weather never seemed to be an
obstacle for the Croatoans.
The white landscape was dominating everywhere,
star-shaped snowflakes relentlessly falling.
We hadn't talked about what had happened
between us. I painfully recalled that he had made no
promise to me, nor I to him.
Dyami's village was larger than what I had envisioned,
spreading in the shape of a whirlwind.
His name meant Eagle. He was less tall than
Manteo but sharing the same features.
His wife, Aponi – Butterfly – was standing next
to him, together with their four sons.
She was tall and elegant, exuding confidence and
sincerity, her long braids tinged with grey touching her
shoulders.
Chesmu, whose name meant Witty, was Dyami
and Aponi's eldest. He was the portrait of his father, tall,
brown-haired and, according to Manteo, always urging
his other brothers to be quiet.
On the other hand, Bemossed – Walker – their second
son, had inherited his mother's features and passion for
plants, always heading for the forest to find some peace
of mind.
Apenimon – Worthy of trust – was a true warrior and
protector of the tribe. He was similar to his elder brother
but his hair was less long and his bare chest less ornated.
Etu, whose name meant Sun, was strong and muscular, a
warrior too, like his brothers. But somehow he appeared
to want to keep his distance…
Manteo was advancing alone, the rest of the
village reverently waiting. He gave Aponi and his uncle a
series of presents, some herbs from Powwaw as well.
They accepted his gifts and all entered a hut,
while we were left outside.
Dyonis, Henry, Thomas and Elyoner all looked at
me. I knew they were wondering, like I was, if they
would be accepted here.
But I was certain deep within that we would, for I knew
the Croatoans to be peaceful and compassionate.
After what seemed to be an hour, Manteo, Aponi
and Dyami appeared.
I was asked to translate Aponi's words: "My
people, today we welcome Manteo, his tribe and the
strangers from far away as members of our village.
Please find peace with us…"
We were all given a bowl filled with green
vegetables. Jester was moving his tail in anticipation.
I put my right hand on my heart as a sign of
gratitude. The colony followed and we all sat down to eat
our meal in silence.
Strangely, I quickly felt out of place, my heart
probably still aching from what I had endured. My mind
resumed spinning, clouding my head with awful
memories. I needed to gulp in fresh air but somehow I
felt incapable of doing so. I was suffocating.
I stood up and started walking, Jester following my every
move.
I arrived at the borders of the village.
My eyes were trying to catch sight of a sign that would
bring me peace. I saw a woodpecker trying to settle in a
nearby tree, seemingly inviting me to further trust
Mother Earth. But I was still overcome with feelings I
could no longer suppress.
All of a sudden, I felt the touch of a hand on my
shoulder. It was Aponi.
I smiled at her. But my eyes, betraying me,
started watering.
My body was exhausted.
I broke down in tears, unable to control the flow of
emotions sweeping through me and collapsed on the
ground.
Aponi took me in her arms, whispering words I
didn't understand, until I finally dared close my eyes.
–
CHAPTER 6 –
Picea glauca
The colonists had easily found a home living in Aponi
and Dyami's village.
Sharing our life with their tribe, further north, we had
found the peace we had all been longing for.
The Croatoans were teaching us their way of life,
how to live sustainably and respectfully with our
environment, how to act with conscience in our daily
tasks, showing reverence to Mother Earth in our daily
life. Growing plants, crops, using wood, hunting,
bathing, eating… every deed was done with respect and
gratitude towards Mother Earth, her elements, minerals,
plants and animals. Dyami had once explained that the
animal and plant Spirits had agreed to temporarily
sustain humanity in their evolution a long time ago –
their sacrifice was to be honoured every time we ate meat
or vegetables by showing them gratitude and love.
They had invited all of us to build our own tent.
Elyoner had gratefully welcomed the distraction
that had been offered: she had constantly been busy with
the children while Thomas had silently been working
with Dyonis and Henry, erecting wooden structures
following the Indian tradition.
There had been no sign of Captain White and I
knew that Elyoner had stopped waiting for his return a
long time ago. Thomas, Henry, Dyonis and his son,
Elyoner and myself, represented the only fragments of a
past that I guessed we all wanted to put behind. Maybe
because for some, this past was a constant reminder of
the people whom they could no more hold on to.
I headed for the forest with Aponi whenever she needed
new medicinal plants or roots. My friendship with her
was more than ever flourishing. I was most of all touched
by her respectful and benevolent presence towards us all.
I no longer saw myself belonging to the white
people, even less belonging to anyone, as my clothing
attested more and more. I had long taken the habit of
braiding my auburn hair and sewing my kahasha – dress
– very warm in those cold winters up north.
My marriage with Thomas had ended the day he
had left me on the river bank to die. I knew it and he
knew it too, even if we had never talked about it openly.
He preferred ignoring me and I him.
We had not heard from Wanchese and his men.
However, even if that thought was soothing, my memory
was leaving me totally restless.
I kept to myself most of the time, my regular visits to
Aponi excepted. I was avoiding people as much as I
could. I felt damaged…
Weeks then months had passed and joy had deserted me
entirely. I had no reason to go on...
I was awake at night and sleepy during the day, unable to
find peace. I kept to myself most of the time and barely
touched the food that was left in front of my tent every
day. Jester was imitating me in every way.
My world had collapsed entirely and with it the last
remnants of my past. I didn't know how to move on, I
certainly didn't know if I wanted to…
That night the whole tribe was gathering around the fire
to listen to Aponi, like we often did when sunset was
near.
I sat down next to Manteo and felt his body's
warmth irradiate from him as I got ready to translate for
my friends:
"Out of nothing Kitche Manitou, The Great
Spirit, made rock, water, fire, and wind. Into each he
breathed the breath of life. On each he bestowed with his
breath a different essence and nature. Each substance had
its own power which became its soul-spirit. From these
four substances Kitche Manitou created the physical
world of sun, stars, moon and earth. Then Kitche
Manitou made the plant beings. These were four kinds:
flowers, grasses, trees and vegetables. To each he gave a
spirit of life, growth, healing and beauty. Each he placed
where it would be most beneficial, and lend to earth the
greatest beauty and harmony and order.
After plants, Kitche Manitou created animal beings
conferring on each special powers and natures. There
were two-leggeds, four-leggeds, wingeds and swimmers.
Last of all he made man. Though last in order of creation,
least in the order of dependence, and weakest in bodily
powers, man had the greatest gift: the power to dream.
Kitche Manitou then made The Great Laws of Nature for
the well-being and harmony of all things and all
creatures. The Great Laws govern the place and
movement of sun, moon, earth and stars; govern the
powers of wind, water, fire and rock; govern the rhythm
and continuity of life, birth, growth and decay. All things
live and work by these laws.
To sustain life and harmony, respect and gratitude are
essential: for everything you give, you receive, for
everything you truly believe, you create. This is the
legacy given by the Great Spirit that the Evening Star
invites us to remember."
"Which one is the Evening Star?" I whispered to
Manteo when everyone was going back to their tent.
"Here" he pointed at the most brilliant star in the
sky, even in the morning. "She is protected by the Dog
Star… and shows us the way, always."
Now alone, I looked at her Light illuminating the
entire sky and prayed with all my heart to be shown the
way...
Suddenly, I felt someone take my hands.
Aponi had come to offer me to attend the rite of passage
to womanhood with the other girls of the village.
All the healers of nearby villages were invited.
It would give us the opportunity to strengthen good
relationships with neighbouring tribes while showing
them that peace was possible among us all.
I thanked the Evening Star for my heart knew it
was the answer to my prayer.
And I secretly hoped that it would bring me solace…
–
CHAPTER 7 –
Juniperus communis
The four-day ceremony had started – another symbol of
the life cycle and its four stages we were all invited to go
through: birth, life, death and rebirth.
I was in a newly erected tent with the other girls
from the village.
I was to dance with stoic resolve to welcome the
energy of the White Woman into my heart so that her
Light could illuminate the sky and mark my passage into
womanhood.
I could hear a deep chant outside and feel the scent of
sacred herbs sweeping through the air.
Moving in a continuous spiral while focusing on my
core, I finally let go. I suddenly felt heavier.
Some images started appearing behind my closed
eyelids.
With horror, I realized that I was back in the forest,
alone and in the dark.
I could feel the same fear filling my guts like germs in a
gaping wound.
I could distinguish a murky lake in the middle of a forest.
Soon I was walking to the its bank, my naked feet
touching the muddy soil.
Two entities appeared in front of the lake, facing me. I
recognized the Secotans that Manteo had killed, the ones
that had held me captive.
But suddenly, I heard a voice echo inside me "High
branches, deep roots… Listen to your heart, hear its
beating, spreading life like the sap of every tree, the
energy of every rock, the core of every living creature…
You are this powerful fire inside…"
Remembering Powwaw's legacy to all of us, I realized I
had a choice.
"Ho'oponopono, brothers" I said determined, spreading
it inside me and offering it to those around me.
The ghosts dissipated immediately, a whirlwind
seemingly bringing them up
And I was no longer afraid.
A bright light was now coming from the centre of the lake
and caught my attention. It was sending continuous
circles of light all around it. I approached it more
closely, the water at my feet, then at my waist.
When I felt a strong pull, I plunged until I let its water
immerse me entirely. It was so bright, almost blinding.
–
CHAPTER 8 –
Boswellia
My heart was electrified by what felt like a blast of
powerful light coming from its centre. I could feel energy
enter me, from my feet, and the top of my head, joining
and enlarging this warmth inside my heart, enveloping
and comforting all of me. Soon this energy increased, my
whole body ascending fast, vibrating more and more.
When my ascension stopped, I recognized the
landscape I had visited before.
But this time the grass was of a bright green.
The sun was reflecting on the mountains and minerals.
A waterfall of crystal clear water was illuminating the
fields of trees, flowers and plants.
I saw luminous birds of colours so bright I could not
describe, animals running, free and caring for their
babies…
Everything was sights of Love – Mountains, Beaches and
Meadows, Deserts...Mating Dances…Births…
Scents of Love – flower perfume, the smell of grass and
rain, the odor of sand…
Sounds of Love – the sound of Waves crashing on the
shores, of Wind blowing through Leaves… Birds,
Whales… singing, communicating with each other…
I could hear their heart, feel their essence, converse with
them all.
I noticed I was wearing a white dress and I had
long blond braided hair.
I resumed admiring the nature around me, when I
distinguished two bright shapes irradiating an
immaculate light.
I immediately recognized my beloved parents.
"Mum! Dad!" my heart was shouting as I was
running to them.
"Amy…" they replied, hugging me.
"I missed you so much…" I thought, my heart
warmed by their presence.
"Darling, we've always been watching over
you…" my dad answered without pronouncing a single
word.
Mum took me in her arms and I started crying
uncontrollably.
After regaining my composure, I resumed looking
at my parents whose corpses had been buried. I must be
dead too… I thought.
"Love never dies..." Dad replied smiling, but
without moving his lips.
"Where are we?"
Soon several other beings appeared, the same
immaculate light spreading from them all. One of them
answered "In the Spirit realm…".
"Meet your brothers and sisters" Mum replied
smiling.
They walked to me and took me in their arms.
I was rendered speechless by so much love. They
were all so beautiful beyond words.
I noticed a tall woman among them who was
approaching me slowly.
Her beauty was beyond anything I had ever seen.
She had blue eyes and long rainbow hair, a white dress
was adding to her elegance.
I felt my heart open up and expand. Heavy tears were
brimming in my eyes when she whispered her name,
Virginia.
She gave me a white rose, like the one I had left on her
heart on the day of her burial.
"Is this a dream?"
I saw her smile.
"Please, tell my mother that there was nothing
she could have done. This was what I had chosen for this
life…"
I promised to do so without quite understanding
what she had meant.
I was witnessing other shapes now.
I recognized George Howe and the boy from the first day
in the settlement, others colonists and Indians all living
peacefully with each other when a powerful bright Light
was motioning towards us now.
It was Powwaw. He was smiling at me.
And I knew they were home, where I was too, in my
heart.
I started crying, overcome by a feeling of
marvelous peace when I felt a hand on my shoulder. It
had brought me back to another reality.
One of my sisters was inviting me to follow them outside
and finish the ceremony.
After greeting the Sun, we ran four times around sacred
symbols, wiping away the white clay from our faces,
further proving that we were all embodying the Sacred
Feminine.
My sisters and I were now seated in front of the
whole village. We were all wearing the Morning Star
feather. We hadn't slept throughout the night, but I felt
more awake than ever.
I saw parents and family approach all the girls
who had become women.
I smiled because I understood that my family had done
the same.
But my attention quickly turned to a voice in
front of me.
"Asha…"
I looked into Manteo's eyes. "Asha?" I asked,
lost.
"You are Asha now."
And when I didn't respond, he simply translated
"Hope." His hands took mine in a movement full of
promise, the promise of finding a better world ; the world
within.
PART 4
SHANTE ISHTA – Spring 1588
Out of the depths the world's buried secret rose;
He read the original ukase kept back
In the locked archives of the spirit's crypt,
And saw the signature and fiery seal
Of Wisdom on the dim Power's hooded work
Who builds in Ignorance the steps of Light.
A sleeping deity opened deathless eyes:
He saw the unshaped thought in soulless forms,
Knew matter pregnant with spiritual sense,
Mind dare the study of the Unknowable,
Life its gestation of the Golden Child.
In the light flooding thought's blank vacancy,
Interpreting the universe by soul signs
He read from within the text of the without:
The riddle grew plain and lost its catch obscure.
A larger lustre lit the mighty page.
A purpose mingled with the whims of Time,
A meaning met the stumbling pace of Chance
And Fate revealed a chain of seeing Will;
A conscious wideness filled the old dumb Space.
In the Void he saw throned the Omniscience supreme.
Sri Aurobindo, Savitri, Book I, Canto V, p.75-76.
–
CHAPTER 1 –
The Red Ray of Courage
The air was dense. The moon was reflecting on the sea in
front of me but the movement of its waves was silent.
I started walking on the sand, in this familiar landscape.
A fresh wind was sending chills down my spine and the
leaves of nearby trees started their deep chant.
I went on walking, not knowing where to go when I felt
my right foot step on something slimy and the venomous
response it received.
I screamed and collapsed on the sand, holding my foot. I
felt blood coming out from the wound inflicted by the
deadly snake when suddenly a scene appeared in front of
my eyes.
I could see, feel and smell flesh and blood, forming a
pool on the grass. In front of me the carcass of a
beautiful animal lay still, guts open. As I was slowly
approaching, the silhouette of a man became clearer. He
was wearing a long furry coat and was devouring his
meal.
When he suddenly faced me, I saw fear in his eyes,
reflecting mine, carrying me away, this time, into another
landscape.
I was in a tropical forest whose leaves were brown. I saw
women enslaving men, in bed with all their lovers,
pushing them to constantly fight battles, to shed each
other's blood.
The whole landscape was bled dry by their lack of love.
I felt the Earth tremble like never before.
This image disappeared to give way to another.
I was now witnessing thousands and thousands of human
and animal sacrifices. My blood ran cold at the sight of
these beautiful creatures whose throats were being
slashed open to please gods.
And I was suddenly carried away to another place.
I was on a battlefield, several at the same time, my silver
armor shining, ready to kill and destroy my enemy.
The same images of killing and death were invading me,
no matter which weapon was used, no matter who was
the killer or the victim, it all ended in a blood bath, the
carcasses of men piling up everywhere in the name of
extending one's power over others.
I was on a boat, following a man talking in Portuguese
into the hold. Down there I saw dark-skinned prisoners
in shackles, emptying their stomach on each other. I
further saw these men, women and children hanged,
burnt, beaten and killed…
I saw colonists, millions and millions of them arriving,
savagely killing Indians, depriving them of their land,
torturing and decimating their whole people and culture.
Sickness was filling my guts when other flashes captured
my mind;
images of babies abandoned or killed,
children hit, forced to work in horrid conditions to earn
their living,
men and women thrown out of tours just for being
different,
women and girls being dilapidated, raped, humiliated,
naked women and children, crying and shouting, locked
in a small dark room,
monks killing themselves out of despair,
religion wars and epidemics decimating millions,
silver balls thrown, destroying everything, leaving only
ashes behind them,
big silver structures leaking, intoxicating whole cities,
hunters cheering, smiling triumphantly while looking at
the carcass of a beautiful lion, full of blood,
elephants on the ground, their ivory tusks gone, emptying
themselves of their blood,
poachers killing a family of gorillas,
thousands of fish, dead at the surface of an ocean of oil,
deserted lands where nothing grows again, because of
men harvesting the soils to the limit of their resources,
huge trees being cut, transported, the flora and fauna
diversity withering, slowly growing extinct,
polluted oceans engulfing whole cities,
bones, carcasses of animals and human beings, dead on
the streets together with huge piles of trash and sand: the
same and only landscape, everywhere in the world.
Only death, only death…
Until the visions stopped and one question remained.
Who am I?
Am I the soldier on a battlefield, armed, ready to destroy
the enemy, adrenalin coursing through my system?
Am I the torturer assuaging his violence and anger?
Am I the invader killing savages, the slave owner,
relieving me violently into my favourite possession,
strangling her with all my strength?
Am I the priest shouting the dead sentence to please his
gods?
Am I the soldier and the enemy, the torturer and the
victim, the slave owner and the slave, the killer and the
killed, the priest and the sacrificed, the rapist and the
raped, the traitor and the crucified…?
Am I sadness, anger, hate, guilt and remorse, greed, lust,
fear, anxiety, suffering…?
Am I destructive ideas, narrow-minded beliefs, violent
words, judgements, humiliation, dominion, criticism,
low-esteem, despair, injustice, oppression…?
Am I violence, killing, rape, incest, revenge, attacks and
self-destruction …?
Am I darkness?
Am I the world? I kept on asking myself until I saw the
Earth being cleansed by a wave of liquid fire and at her
centre a white tree illuminating the whole landscape.
I saw this tree blossom, giving birth to fruit.
I saw its fruit fall, nourishing Mother Earth and growing,
in turn giving birth to other beautiful trees that were
quick to blossom…
Asha I heard a call from afar.
I woke up with a start, Jester was whining at my feet.
New buds had been offered by the surrounding trees as a
symbol of the new life ahead.
Manteo and I were walking alongside each other and the
view was breathtaking.
The naked trees were inviting us to imitate them, finding
balance and harmony inside us, letting new life spread,
from our roots, up to our branches.
Our friendship was more than ever helping me up. After
the ceremony, I had felt a weight lifted off my back and I
felt I could really be myself with Manteo. But we never
talked about what had happened near the waterfall that
day. And it was common knowledge that Wyanet was
promised to him…
I knew he would never judge me but I was still
hesitant to explain what I had seen every night for the
past few weeks. These vivid dreams that had started at
our arrival on Roanoke always seemed so real…
His father had taught me that forgiveness was the only
step to take in order to move on. I thought I had done so,
I didn't understand why my nights were still restless.
"The nightmares… they have resurfaced…" I
started in Croatoan.
He looked at me with compassion, apparently
prepared for what I had to confess. "Tell me…"
My heart emptied itself of all the sorrow, the
pain, the death it had witnessed.
"Life is a cycle, there is no death, only rebirth…
You know that now." he replied in English.
"Yes… I guess… I just feel lost..."
When out of a sudden, Imala's face had appeared,
interrupting us both.
"Come…" she offered, her voice shaking
somehow.
Manteo nodded to me and I followed Imala to the
nearby river to celebrate our mutual friend.
–
CHAPTER 2 –
The Orange Ray of Progress
Near the river bank, I encountered the familiar faces of
all the women from Powwaw's village: Manteo's
younger sisters Miakoda and Minal whose smiling
presence was always warming, Manteo's cousin Kanti
and her two daughters, Wyanet…
They were accompanied by all the women from Aponi
and Dyami's village to form one single congregation.
There lay a grand tipi apparently built for the occasion.
Imala, as calm as usual, started talking in
Croatoan, inviting Aponi to enter the tipi first. We
followed in silence. Aponi sat down next to the fire, at its
center, we were asked to form a spiral leading to her.
Imala resumed explaining the ceremony,
describing the different stages of Aponi's passage into
maturity under the protection of the Morning Star.
I looked at Aponi. She was so graceful, a certain
strength emanating from her radiant face, her braided
hair and her perfect silhouette. She seemed so confident.
At the term of her wise blood celebration, the
Great Spirit would give a sign to select the next healer of
the tribe for Aponi to pass on her knowledge to, as she
had only been blessed with sons.
She sat down with the rest of us and started chanting,
accompanied by the rhythm of drums and the delicate
and strong scent of herbs.
"Shante Ishta…" I heard when I felt carried away
by the chants that soon became faint voices in my head.
I was back on the beautiful island. The Sun high in the
sky was warming. I entered the forest this time, admiring
the rainbow colours, the elements, the minerals, the
trees…all the nature seemed vibrant with life.
It felt so peaceful here, my heart felt like it was exploding
with joy.
I went on walking farther in the forest when I heard a
movement of wings and saw a beautiful bird approach
me slowly.
Emerging from the Sun, a majestic eagle was flying to
me…
It was the dawn of the fourth day and we were all waiting
for Aponi to exit the tipi after paying homage to the
Morning Star.
What I had seen and lived had felt like a vivid daydream.
Or was it reality? I seemed to no longer know the
difference…
As soon as we saw her smiling face, all the
women, forming a sort of guard of honour, cried out in
joy.
But all of a sudden, all turned silent to witness the
dance of a royal eagle, flying high above our heads.
I was observing the marvelous bird, so far away,
but yet felt it close to my heart.
I saw a feather slowly descending. It was landing at my
feet. I hesitated then took it.
I was startled out of my reverie when I realized all the
women were watching me.
Aponi had approached me and I immediately
bowed paying my respect, presenting her with the
feather.
She drew a sign on my forehead and spoke some words
that I did not understand. "The Great Spirit offers you to
be the next healer. This is a difficult path. But if you
agree, know this, these are your fears, your obstacles you
will have to face, Asha, no one else's…" she simply said
with a smile, leaving me in a state of profound shock.
Everyone bowed, respectfully letting Aponi pass.
The tipi would be burned before returning to the village
in silence.
I was afraid that the announcement of my being the next
apprentice healer could provoke a series of arguments
within the village.
Who was I anyway to be entitled to such a training?
But Aponi's words of reassurance had set things right; I
needed to trust the wisdom of the Great Spirit who knew
all things to come.
This was probably the most considerable challenge I had
to face.
I could feel Manteo's gaze on me during our daily
walk. He suddenly stopped and asked "Why worry so
much?"
"I can't stop thinking about what I saw… "
He observed the horizon for some time before
adding "To become a man, every boy goes on a vision
quest. During four days and nights, we are alone with
ourselves, we open up to the Great Spirit in us."
"What was it like?"
"I saw all that was trapped inside me, controlling
me and my life."
"What did you do then?"
"I let go…" he finished, before giving a pat on
Jester's head.
–
CHAPTER 3 –
The Yellow Ray of Receptivity
On the next day I was looking for Aponi at first dawn
like we had agreed.
I had prepared the few clothes I owned and was heading
for our meeting point, accompanied by Jester who I knew
would not agree on staying behind.
I had explained to Elyoner and Dyonis that I would be
away for some time, not knowing exactly what was
awaiting. But I had not bothered talking to Thomas…
I kept on walking to find the chief's beautiful wife at the
edge of the village.
But I was surprised to see Manteo standing next
to her.
By way of greeting, Aponi smiled and we both
followed her, deeper into the forest.
We had been walking in silence for the entire day.
My eyes were captivated by the beauty of the nature
around us, untouched and powerful, almost raw and wild.
The sun was already going down.
"Here…" Aponi said, indicating the large trunk
of a great chestnut tree that was dominating the whole
landscape.
I sat down, putting my only belongings on a heap
next to me, while Manteo was gathering branches for the
fire.
Jester had found his new favourite spot, next to
mine.
I had felt a strange mix of excitement and
apprehension growing inside me all day, I didn't know if
it had been because of what lay ahead…
How long will it take?
Am I really strong enough for this?
These questions were perpetually resurfacing.
I guessed I would know soon enough…
Manteo rapidly came back, handing me the leaves
and berries he had found, then turning to the fire.
After the meal and following Aponi's instructions, I sat
down, my back resting on the red bark of a huge nearby
tree, facing Manteo.
"Breathe in, breathe out, always through your
nose… Now open your eyes. Look up, what do you see?"
Aponi asked serene.
"I see stars… Light in the dark."
"All this is Kitche Manitou. Kitche Manitou lives
up there and in here…" she added touching my heart
before going on in Croatoan: "The sky and the Earth, the
Sun and the Moon, all the creation in Infinity is in you as
well. What is above is below, what is outside is inside
you…" As she continued her explanation, Aponi started
showing me a space above my head, "The Sun nourishes,
gives Light. It is the great giver, actively offering Love to
all the creation." Then she indicated a place at the base of
my body "The Moon is the great receiver. She is like two
hands receiving fresh water. Inside you, the Sun and the
Moon need to meet, find balance and love, here, in your
heart. The Heart transmutes grief into joy, fear into
love… In order to be able to heal others, you must first
heal yourself. And healing occurs when you let Love in.
It starts with opening up to Love."
"I… I don't really know what love is…" I replied
to Aponi.
"You just need to remember who you are." she
finished our first lesson with.
Aponi was sleeping nearby and Manteo and I were both
silently observing the fire, warmed by the flames dancing
in front of us.
"Why did you choose to accompany me?" I
finally found the courage to ask him
"Wherever you go, I will too…" he answered,
looking at me.
And I quickly looked back at the fire, hoping he
had not seen me blush.
I had dozed on and off that night, unable to find sleep
while Jester had been sleeping like a log.
My eyes were already wide open when the sun started
rising. As soon as Aponi and Manteo woke up, I let them
know that I would go for a walk with my four-legged
friend. Maybe it would help me calm down…
Luckily I found a small nearby river whose stream
seemed as impatient as I was.
I got undressed and gratefully welcomed the freshness of
its water.
I felt alive and peaceful.
But my thoughts quickly turned to Manteo, his
muscular chest, his perfect body, long dark hair, honest
eyes and faithful heart… Truthfully I felt safe whenever
he was near.
It was quite a new feeling for me. I had managed to
follow my own rules so far, trying to set myself free from
society, conventions, men…
And here I was, my heartbeat betraying me whenever he
was around.
The sun finished warming me and I called Jester who
wasn't ready to depart, too keen on playing in the water.
When I arrived back at our camp, a new fire was burning.
Manteo was already crushing herbs, tending to a
preparation of some sort while Aponi invited me to sit
down.
"Ready?" she asked, while spreading the herbs on
the fire.
I smiled, nervous.
"Here…" she said, indicating the chestnut tree in
front of me to Manteo.
I could feel my back touching the surface of this
magnificent tree which had agreed to accompany me on
my journey back to my core.
"When you dance, you love, you pray, you get
closer to the Great Spirit, this Love that is
everywhere…" she continued now indicating her heart
"When you let Love in, you allow others to do the
same... Now close your eyes, put your hands on your
knees. Breathe in and breathe out… Focus on your heart.
Each mineral, plant, flower, animal is unique and tells
the beauty of the Great Spirit. We can connect to every
living creature because we are one with all the creation,
everywhere and forever."
I listened to Aponi's instructions to the letter.
"Connect to this tree, feel its heart, let its roots
become yours and feel Mother Earth's attraction."
I suddenly felt heavy, so heavy, while images
were bathing my mind.
The sun was scorching but the air was moist.
Working the land with my bare hands, I could taste dirt
in my mouth.
But the vision rapidly tarnished and I went on floating
blindly, only guided by Aponi's voice.
"Now let the tree's opening to the sky become
yours… And invite the white Sun above your head to
warm you entirely… Let the Sun descend, continue its
route to your branches… to your trunk… to your roots…
Let its Light penetrate Mother Earth and her core."
1
As I imagined the Sun descending along my
spine, I felt a strong warmth from the top of my head,
towards my heart, to the tip of my toes. It was
illuminating my whole being from within and expanding.
I had never felt so incredibly alive, peaceful and lucid at
the same time. As if I was the Earth, enveloped by spiral
of white light, ascending more and more. As if I was all
the stars, still ascending, now towards the Sun...
But faces suddenly appeared in front of me.
The sun had set.
Nervous men were restraining their barking dogs.
My hands were tied behind my back.
My beautiful wife lay still next to me, her skull bathing in
blood.
I felt terror coursing through my whole body witnessing
the white man, known as the master, holding my baby
boy by his feet.
Deion was crying, certainly sensing the danger.
1
You will find the entire meditation practices in the following
book : Daniel MEUROIS, La Méthode du Maître, Le Passe-
Monde, 2013.
I was imploring them to stop, offering them my life in
exchange for his, promising I would never run away
again.
The master smiled a cynical smile and threw my baby
boy in the fire.
I shouted and cried in despair but soon felt excruciating
pain on my back and smelled the familiar metallic taste
in my mouth.
"Kill me too…" I had resumed imploring.
Cassius… I recalled, my cries stifled in my throat.
"Now breathe, forgive and let go…" I could hear
Aponi's familiar voice again.
I opened my eyes, heavy tears rolling down my
cheeks.
Manteo took me in his arms as I had started
shaking uncontrollably "Breathe Asha, breathe…"
The sun had continued its course and its light was now
above our heads.
Following Manteo's advice, I had spent the rest of the
morning resting.
I had felt very weak, vulnerable and unable to move at
times.
I was still trying to make sense of what had happened.
These images had been so vivid, had felt so real...
I just wanted to go back into my shell, to stop the torrent
of emotions that was submerging me.
"What is happening to me?" I asked after finally
accepting the food he was offering.
"You opened a door."
"I still don't understand…"
"There is nothing to understand, free your mind,
and let go of what you do not need anymore…" he gently
replied.
And the three of us silently ate the rest of our meal.
It was time to go back to Aponi's teachings.
Manteo was asked to lie down on his back as she was
further explaining "Every being is part of all the creation
and all the creation is part of every being.
The Sun is the source of life. You need to connect to
your inner Sun and let it heal you entirely." she
continued in Croatoan, her hand above Manteo's head.
"To heal, we invite the Sun to descend here…" She put
her hand on the top of Manteo's head, then between his
eyes, on his throat, the middle of his chest, above then
below his belly button and with her first three fingers
pointed at the space between his legs. These centers are
like the stars you see in the sky, some shine brighter than
others. Put your hand here and feel…"
As my right hand was now on Manteo's chest, I
felt a huge warmth ascending in my entire arm, like a
strong flame of sweetness and courage.
"And here…"
The light in his throat felt somehow faded.
"Now put your hand on his throat and follow
these movements. Do it several times until it feels
better…"
2
After seven times, my hand still on Manteo's
throat, I could feel energy pulsing in my palm. This felt
amazing.
"Now let us check all his other centers…"
2
All these techniques are given by professional teachers recognized
by the ITTEE. For more information see:
–
CHAPTER 4 –
The Green Ray of Aspiration
Still alone in the middle of the forest, I was to practise
the same series of exercises for seven days in a row.
The previous week had been difficult, I had been
invaded by waves of despair, sadness and pain. As if
these feelings, trapped inside me for too long, had finally
been released and transmuted.
I was feeling drained most of the time but soothed by
Manteo's presence.
Aponi was precisely showing me how to proceed
and Manteo was to practise on me as well. She was
letting us experience what she was suggesting.
I learned that our whole body was made of stars,
some bigger than others, serving as a relay for the energy
of the Sun to course through us. When the energy was
too slow, Aponi would suggest massaging the area in a
certain way. For each illness, there seemed to be an
adapted healing response.
On the morning of the eighth day, Aponi offered a new
exercise.
Manteo sat down in front of me, a fire was still
burning between us.
The scent of herbs had somehow changed.
"Close your eyes and plunge into your heart,
plunge into your forest. Listen to the sounds around you.
Like a tree, feel your roots at the base of your body and
your feet gently join the centre of Mother Earth, her
heart. Feel her attraction. Now visualize your branches,
at the top of your head and invite the white Sun to
descend. Feel you heart nourished by the Sun, in perfect
balance between the Earth and the Sky…" she was
instructing in her mother tongue.
I was still listening to her hypnotic voice,
knowing that Manteo's movements would be mirroring
mine, when flashes took over.
I could hear screams from afar as I was approaching a
small wooden house, followed by several red-haired
soldiers, all giggling.
We were holding a family hostage.
The parents were now both on the floor, blood dripping
from their mouth.
I caught a girl by her feet to retrieve her from her hiding
place and violently pushed her outside.
I threw her on the ground.
I was holding her still, my blade at her throat while
removing my trousers.
Brynjard… I remembered crying and enraged.
"Look for a deep silence within. Let's do it again,
seven times."
After a while, I felt myself levitate, witnessing
the same scenery.
"Now breathe, forgive, and let go…"
This time something had changed.
I was still holding the girl on the ground.
She was silently crying.
But when her eyes met mine, I immediately loosened my
grip.
I burst into tears imploring the girl's forgiveness before
letting her go…
"Open your eyes…"
And as I did, I felt disgust spread in my veins and
quickly threw up the meagre meal I had eaten that
morning.
I had stayed mute the whole day, trying to avoid thinking
about what I had seen.
Was I hallucinating?
This was the only plausible explanation…
These visions had felt so real that my physical body, my
emotions and my thoughts seemed to be reacting on their
own now. I felt so ashamed, dirty and guilty.
I was alone, observing the stream of water, wishing I
could go back to the village but knowing with certainty
that running away wasn't an option anymore.
"Asha…" Manteo said approaching.
I stayed motionless, I couldn't bear the thought of
facing him.
"What you see, what you feel or think… is not
who you are. You need to let go…"
And for the first time since this morning, I dared
look back at him.
"Shante Ishta…" Manteo replied, his hand on my
heart. "See with your heart open…"
–
CHAPTER 5 –
The Blue Ray of Perseverance
It was the morning of the third week.
We had practised the second series of exercises
for seven days.
Sometimes it had been all too much and I had felt
overwhelmed by ambivalent feelings, unable to eat, drink
or talk.
Manteo was very careful to respect those times when I
needed to be alone and I felt he understood what I was
going through.
Aponi's voice, the warmth of the fire and scent of herbs
were guiding us once more. "Close your eyes, breathe in
and out. Plunge into your heart. You are in your forest
and you are safe and protected by the Light. Connect to
Mother Earth through your roots…"
I was following her instructions carefully,
counting every breath so as to avoid the flow of images I
knew I would have to face. But soon, I lost control:
The crowd that had gathered around the stake was now
cheering.
I caught the sight of our child.
Our little baby girl. She was crying in the hands of a
stranger.
I was powerless, the smell of my burning legs and
melting feet had invaded me, my whole body screaming
in pain.
Magenta… I cried out, recalling her name.
"Breathe, forgive and let go…" Aponi finished.
My thoughts turned back to our daughter, as I was
sending her all my love, I promised myself to look after
her wherever I was going...and let peace invade me
entirely. I let go…
I opened my eyes and broke down in tears,
feeling even more drained.
That afternoon, Jester was following me alongside the
river, the sight of the refreshing source was comforting.
My thoughts were still trying to make sense of
what I had experienced.
When I stopped walking, caught by surprise.
Manteo was swimming, his clothes on the
opposite side of the river.
Not knowing what to do, I tried to discretely hide when
Jester started barking joyfully in his direction.
Manteo looked at me, impassive, letting me
admire him.
But the energy growing in me was a new territory
I didn't know I was ready to cross.
I smiled before retreating to the forest, certain of having
seen him smile back at me.
I came back to our camping site very late, the sun had
already set.
I didn't know what to say, how to act or think.
So I simply wished Aponi and Manteo goodnight and
tried to sleep, in vain.
–
CHAPTER 6 –
The Indigo Ray of Gratefulness
It was the dawn of the fourth week.
The past week had seen me develop a fever that had
lasted for two days, as if a fire had been ignited from
within. Then I had felt incredibly cold, even in the
middle of the day.
I could feel Manteo's strength help me get back on my
feet whenever it was all too much.
I progressed and felt a little lighter every day.
The sun was rising on my right.
I was sitting down, legs crossed and closed my eyes.
We resumed following Aponi's voice and the suggestive
scent of sacred herbs.
"Plunge into your heart. Slowly join the core of
Mother Earth through your roots. Open up to the white
Sun above your head and invite its descent to your roots.
Focus on your heart, the place of perfect balance between
the Earth and the Sky…"
But focusing on her voice was getting more and
more difficult as my mind was wandering.
"Breathe out, let go… Let us try again, breathe
in…"
I was doing the last breathing of the four when
the visions resumed.
The sky was sullen and thunder rumbling.
A crowd had gathered.
I felt the urge to go forward and a huge cross rapidly
took shape.
When I looked into his eyes, his livid face, his arms and
legs pinned to the wooden cross erected in front of us all,
I collapsed on the ground and started crying, a massive
surge of incomprehension sweeping through me.
"Now breathe, forgive and let go…"
I was back on my island, my steps advancing on the
shore, soon to be welcomed by the sight of a beautiful
bright Light emerging from the Sun. Warm tears rolled
down my cheeks when I recognized his pure Energy of
Love.
"Why are you crying little woman…?" he asked,
looking at me, moving me, deep within.
"You know how humans are, what we inflict on
each other…"
"Everything humanity is going through invites
them in their heart, which is only the beginning of a
brighter path for all. We experience many lives to realize
that the Light that we are is inside us."
"But look at me, look at us…"
"Love has already won. I'm there with you
all…always…"
"Please, help me…" I asked, crying even more.
When he extended his hand to me, his whole body
exuding all the colours of the rainbow, so bright, I felt
my heart explode.
I opened my eyes, once more shaken to my core
and turned to Manteo.
"Rest now…" he simply replied when I felt my
eyes close on their own as my body was lying down on
the ground, my head in his palms.
I was walking in my forest, my inner landscape, Manteo
was walking next to me.
Somehow his appearance had changed but I knew it was
him. It had always been him…
I immediately recognized his broad shoulders, his inner
light enveloping mine, his eyes looking deep within me.
The scents, the light, the sound and taste; everything was
magnified. The birds were singing and the trees were
dancing around us, the air was so fresh and the sky so
blue; the entire nature seemed to be whispering
encouragement, helping in the process of what felt more
and more like rebirth.
The depth of the experience I was going through, the
feeling of touching the sacred nature of all was more
than ever present with me.
I could feel I was slowly opening up to a new reality.
I felt light and so peaceful…
"Do you see what I see and feel what I feel?" my
heart asked his.
"Yes…" he simply replied.
His left hand had taken mine.
And I woke up in the middle of the night, the moon
reigning in the sky, Jester sound asleep at my feet.
–
CHAPTER 7 –
The Purple Ray of Humility
It was the dawn of my fifth week.
I was feeling better every day, more peaceful and awake.
It was as if I could rewrite the old stories that had
hampered me from being myself and turn them all into a
joyful sensation of being present.
I felt more and more drawn towards Manteo, looking for
his grounding and protection.
The weather was still very accommodating and the scent
of herbs felt somehow fresher.
Every morning was dedicated to personal
practices and every afternoon to several healing
techniques to practise on each other in turn.
"Keep your eyes closed. Plunge into your heart and enter
your inner landscape. Connect to Mother Earth through
your roots, connect to the white Sun through your
branches at the top of your head and invite its descent.
Breathe in and out, at your own rhythm..."
These past weeks had witnessed my heartbeat
oscillate between racing and slowing down. I was
secretly hoping I would be able to install a gentler
rhythm.
But soon my memory brought me to an open
field.
I could feel the extent of the despair I was
plunging into. I was pregnant, excluded from the convent
and too ashamed to go back to my family.
I had lost the trust of our beloved Mother.
All this for him.
I was looking at the milk thistle I was holding.
It was the only way…
I could feel my throat constrict and water
swelling in my eyes but the vision went on.
My livid corpse was resting on a white sheet. It
felt cold and lonely.
Suddenly I saw him. He was putting red roses on
my chest then collapsed on the ground, sobbing.
I felt his love warm me entirely.
I opened my eyes and felt my throat really open
up to inhale fresh air. Manteo's hands were on womb.
When I felt I finally could release these entangled
emotions, I broke into tears.
All these people, all these familiar faces… I thought
watching the horizon.
"Is this all real? Do we really live all those lives without
even realizing it?" I asked him.
"The answer is all around you. Every living being
follows the cycle of rebirth… Every living being lives,
learns and evolves…"
I felt the truth of his words: this life, this body felt
like the chrysalis of something much grander, much more
beautiful, awaiting to expand from within.
"Drink this…" Manteo offered after another
emotional day.
I looked at him "Will you teach me what these
herbs are for?"
"You already know…" he replied in his mother
tongue.
"How?"
"Close your eyes. Open your heart and go to your
inner forest. Connect to Mother Earth and to the white
Sun. You know how. Now inhale the herbs you received
and respectfully ask them…"
I did as Manteo was suggesting. I suddenly saw
the image of a knot being untied.
I opened my eyes, amazed by life and those herbs, their
message and their help. "It's… wonderful…"
"We are all One. The Great Spirit talks to us
through the elements, minerals, plants and animals…
Always connect through your heart and listen to life's
answers."
My heart was warmed by so much beauty.
–
CHAPTER 8 –
The White Ray of Sincerity
At the dawn of the sixth week of my initiation, I felt
lighter, even experiencing calm moments in the middle
of what felt inner storms.
I guessed that in order to drink from the Sun, I had to
empty myself first, of all the sorrows, judgments, anger,
misunderstandings or knots that I had unconsciously tied
in me, years after years, lives after lives...
Manteo had taught me about the way to connect to
plants, showing me how to safeguard the sacred
connection with them, by asking their permission and
thanking them.
Aponi had taught me how to prepare decoctions to use
with these ancestral healing techniques.
I was more and more touched by the way Mother Earth
was responding, vibrant with life, patiently opening my
heart to another reality.
I was curious to discover more.
Manteo was still very silent but I knew that we were
communicating beyond words.
At times, it was as if he could read me like an open book.
I sometimes felt ashamed to be so vulnerable. And then
he would just look at me and smile, lightning my mood.
He was seated in front of me, his posture once
more mirroring my own.
"Open your heart, plunge into it. Connect to
Mother Earth through your roots, ask the white Sun to
descend through your branches to your roots and invite
deep silence within you. Join your hands in front of your
heart."
I could more easily reach my center now.
I had counted twelve breathings when the dream
state invited me to see a young girl with black hair.
I was putting the meager reward he had given me in my
pocket. So much for a lady of the night… I smiled…
But all of a sudden I felt his arms restrain me, one of his
hands on my mouth.
I tried to kick and shout, disgusted by the smell of him,
his stench still all over me.
When I saw the blade he had retrieved, cold fear started
coursing through my veins.
And soon I felt it pierce my flesh, down below…
"Your eyes are still closed. Breathe, forgive and
let go…"
I was back in the memory.
I was standing next to my corpse. It had lain there, livid
and rotting for weeks without anyone being aware.
The anger I had felt at first had been replaced by sadness
and a feeling of solitude.
Was that it? What was I still doing here?
Was there no one to soothe me or comfort me?
I started crying when a bright Light was calling me from
afar. I looked up and followed the voice that was
releasing me from past pain and hurt, humiliation and
sorrow.
This Light was powerful, it felt so sweet to let go…
"Asha, wake up…"
I could hear Manteo's voice but the state of bliss I
was in was so sweet. I had no reason to come back...
No reason but one…
"Asha…" Manteo was now shouting.
Suddenly my lungs filled with air and I started
coughing. I opened my eyes slowly, my back was still
resting on the ground, Manteo's face was in front of
mine, Aponi was at my feet, massaging them. He seemed
worried.
"I wanted to stay there…" I slowly said, my voice
still faint. "Is it what passing feels like?"
"The Spirit world vibrates with you. If you leave
Mother Earth peaceful, you will find yourself in a
peaceful place." Aponi said, now by my side.
"I understand…" I replied, while Manteo was
helping me sit down.
"Asha, you are meant to be here…" he said,
angry.
"I know…" I confessed, looking into his eyes.
–
CHAPTER 9 –
The Golden Ray of Divine Love
It was our seventh week in the forest.
I felt so much lighter, almost translucent at times.
Sometimes I could no longer feel my physical body.
I had spent days without eating, moving or talking, I had
just been observing life.
The movement of butterfly wings, of leaves, of water,
everything around me was ethereal.
I could have stayed in this state for days if it hadn't been
for Manteo.
I guessed he was inviting me to move on, to stop holding
on to what I was experiencing and to remain anchored.
Aponi was a great teacher, she was patient and
kind. She had taught me that all our emotions and
thoughts were inside our physical body. So working on
the physical or energy body slightly above it could bring
back balance.
"You are in your heart, in perfect balance
between the Earth and the Sky. See the beautiful white
Sun above your head. Breathe in and out deeply…"
Some images soon appeared.
The sun was illuminating something blurry in front of
me. I slowly distinguished the outlines of a flag.
"Take a long moment of silence."
The wind was making it move when my eyes
captured its embroidered cross, and in front of us all, the
unfaithful we had to destroy.
"Now breathe, forgive and let go…"
I knelt and started sobbing in the middle of the
battlefield, understanding that violence was never the
way. And I began to remove my armor, piece by piece,
determined to end it all.
I opened my eyes, still disturbed by what I had
seen, tears forming on their own, but the tornado of
emotions had vanished.
"Good." Aponi simply replied. "Now look around
you and see with the eyes of a newborn."
I stood up and started walking in the direction of
the forest while Jester was staying with Manteo.
It felt like the veil between me and reality had been
lifted. The trees were dancing in the wind and seemed
joyful, little blue, yellow and red stars dancing around
them. All the vegetation appeared to be protected by a
blanket of Light.
I could see rainbows, everywhere, in the sky, around the
sun, around the trees and plants…
This beautiful dance of Light was magnificent.
I understood that the very essence of Mother Earth was
this beautiful Light, this Spirit, forever present
everywhere.
I understood that we were invited to connect to our heart
to realize it, we had to let go of expectations and
judgment, to let go of this veil of unconsciousness and
open our eyes to reality.
I decided to head back to the river, my head was
bursting.
I lay down on the river bank, observing the blue sky and
thought of Manteo. So much had happened since our
meeting on the Lyon.
I thought of his courage and strength, his generous heart
and sweet temper.
And with the realization came the familiar fear of not
being enough.
I could feel I had spent so many years, so many lives
looking for him.
Now I couldn't help but being scared.
Scared of the extent of what I felt for him.
–
CHAPTER 10 –
The White Sun of Serenity, Goodness and
Generosity
At the first daylight of the eighth week, after practising
grounding and with the help of sacred herbs, I felt more
present.
I was regaining strength.
While I was sitting down, Aponi explained that
there was a last door to open before completing my
training. My back was touching a beautiful white oak.
"Close your eyes and plunge into your heart, into
your inner landscape. Like a tree with deep roots, feel
yours join Mother Earth's core. Now feel your branches
turned towards the white Sun, inviting its white and
golden ray to descend to your roots. Focus on you heart,
in the middle of your chest, the place of perfect balance
between the Earth and the Sky…"
These practices had become much more natural to
me than anything else. I had never felt this way before, it
was beyond words.
"Take a long moment to savour this deep silence
within…"
I was still in my inner landscape, the Sun was
high in the sky, bathing everything in Light.
"Open your hands in front of you and imagine
receiving Mother Earth in them..."
3
After a moment, entirely immersed in the Sun and
its Light, my heartbeat accelerated in a vast movement,
until exploding to be present everywhere at the same
time.
I am LOVE – LOVING – LOVED, I am One again.
I am this Fire, PUREST LIGHT, ENERGY of
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, exuding from inside and
outside.
This Fire Explodes and Spreads Everywhere, Giving
Birth, Life to an Infinity of Galaxies, and Dimensions,
EMANATING in all the Worlds and all their Dimensions,
connecting the CREATION to each other and to the
ONE, PUREST LIGHT, PUREST ENERGY of LOVE.
I am all the Universes in Infinity.
I am SPACE in Infinity.
I am TIME in Infinity,
I am the Sun, the Moon, all the Planets, all the Stars and
all the Galaxies,
I am the Earth,
3
You will find this whole practice at .uk/prayers-
and-meditations/
I am Fire warming, purifying, at the Core of the Earth,
I am Air and all its particles, the Sky, Clouds, Wind,
Rainbows, Aurora Australis and Borealis…
I am Water in all forms, Oceans and Seas, Waves and
Tides, Rivers and Lakes, Rain…
I am Earth in all her forms, Sand, Clay…
I am Minerals in all their forms, Mountains, Gems,
Crystals…
I am Vegetation growing, flourishing in all its forms,
Coral, Grass, Trees, Plants, Flowers of beautiful
colours, Vegetables, Fruit, Cereals…
I am Cells, now multiplying and spreading in Water,
associating, forming, evolving,
I am all these incredible Animals, swimming, crawling
out of the Water, standing, changing, flying, growing,
living in the Sea, on Earth, in the Air.
I am gigantic animals of all shapes, evolving, changing,
I am Whales, Orcas… Fishes and Sea Shells… all the
Creatures of the Ocean,
I am Eagles, Blackbirds, Doves, Butterflies… all the
Creatures of the Air,
I am Wolves, Dogs, Cats… all the Creatures of the Earth.
I am Manteo, Powwaw… all the Indian women, men and
children whose consciousness is open to what Life is,
I am the Heart of Thomas, firing his gun, killing, blindly
following his brothers in the name of hate, discovering
what Love is but feeling unworthy of it,
I am the Heart of Dyonis still full of anger but slowly
opening up,
I am the Heart of Elyoner who still feels guilty but is no
longer afraid to Love,
I am the Heart of Margaret who feels she isn't what she
ought to be and belittles herself constantly but has hopes
for the heart of others,
I am the Heart of Andrew, Alard, Henry Berrye, John
White, Wanchese and his men… all the human beings
blind to what this World is, thirsty for power, money,
greed or revenge, who still have to remember whom they
are and where to find the answers – inside them.
I am the potential of this Pure Light, Fire, this Energy of
Love in their Heart they can all decide to open up to and
embrace, waiting to be given birth to, waiting to be
embodied. And I experience that all the Universes are a
never ending story of Love, the Light lovingly creating,
giving birth to one Flame, then two, then three…in
Infinity, so as one day all these flames can realize they
are all parts of the Sun they are longing for.
I feel this unconditional Love for all the Creation,
everywhere; for all those who still think they are
separate from the Source of all, this Divine Love inside
us all, for all those who don't see that we are never
separate, that the only boundaries we draw are those
from our own limited and limiting beliefs.
I see Earth and Heaven become One, vibrating Pure
Love and Light. I see a World where everyone lives in
consciousness of whom they are, this burning Light and
Love, their Essence having become them, Heart, Body
and Spirit, sharing this Light and Love to everyone,
letting their World everywhere and forever vibrate with
it.
I started crying in pure bliss, whispering Thank you.
When I opened my eyes, I realized my back was still
resting on the white oak.
Manteo was looking at me. "This is who we are,
who we all are, here and now. You can let go of fear
now, and trust this in you…" he said in Croatoan, his
hand on my heart.
I felt free and loved, myself again.
Aponi had packed to head for the village at noon. We
were to meet her back there in a few days as I was in
need of a well-deserved rest.
I had hugged her and thanked her as much as I
had been able to, so grateful for the presence and
teachings of such an amazing woman.
That night, after gathering logs with Jester, I decided to
prepare the meal and the fire.
Manteo was looking at me, seemingly amused
while I was preparing our feast.
But suddenly, he took my hands in his.
His touch on my skin felt like a torrent of
warmth, igniting my entire being.
I looked into his eyes, uncertain of what would
happen next.
"Asha… I wanted to tell you sooner but…"
"I know you are to wed Wyanet." I finished,
leaving my hand in his.
"I can't anymore…"
We were both looking at each other when he
kissed me, surrounded by this magnificent nature all
around us.
We were soon both naked in front of each other, his
muscular body making me blush.
Manteo started caressing my body, softly, starting
with my face.
I followed his lead.
He put his arms around me, my hands on his
lower back until our lips found each other again, ready to
let our fire consume us heart, body and spirit.
"Take me, take all of me." I urged him.
Manteo resumed kissing me, even more deeply.
"Beautiful…" he whispered at my ear before lying me
down on the grass. He entered me slowly at first and then
with force, letting my whole body curl up around his, his
movements, matching our hearts beating in unison,
increased in intensity.
I was on top of him, touching him now.
He took me in his arms, we were facing each
other, our bodies ready to become one.
My whole being was welcoming him, like a calyx
welcoming red wine in this divine union of Sacred Love.
He increased his movement, entering me more
deeply every time, until we were both shaking in ecstasy,
a rainbow fire consuming us both as one, like two Snakes
in a Loving embrace, flying more than a thousand feet
above ground.
"I love you…" I repeated three times, my arms
embracing him entirely.
"I have always loved you and I always will…" he
replied.
Soon different faces appeared behind my eyelids– they
were only confirming what I had already sensed: Manteo
had been my protector, my friend and my lover in so
many lives.
The sun was bright, the spring very much present as
leaves could attest.
After eight days of practising one series of exercises a
day, we both admitted to each other that it would be time
to go back to the village.
Manteo seemed as reluctant as me to leave immediately.
Even Jester seemed more nervous than usual.
"Come…" he offered.
As we started walking home, I knew for certain
that my eyes could no longer do without the sight of him.
After a long journey, we were welcomed by children's
laughter, inviting us to join them around the fire.
I rather enjoyed these moments when we all listened to
the stories of the tribe's ancestors. I guessed that in order
to live in the present we had first to understand where we
had all come from.
I saw Dyonis holding his son – George – almost
asleep, in his arms. He had grown up so fast…
Elyoner had found a seat next to me, Henry at her
side. She was glowing. Something told me a lot had
happened since our departure.
But Thomas was looking at his feet when I
arrived. After all these months, he still seemed
prostrated.
All now turned silent as Aponi started talking in
Croatoan – which we all comprehended quite well now.
"Kitche Manitou, The Great Spirit created Life
everywhere, the Sun and all the Stars in the sky. We all
come from Kitche Manitou and Kitche Manitou lives
within us, the Great Spirit is the Sun, this Light that we
all share here." she explained with her hand at the center
of her chest. "We are all part of the same family, we are
all one. But some have lost their way and in forgetting
this Light we all share, they follow the path of greed,
vengeance and power. Let us all remember where we
come from, and that our source is here forever." she
insisted, her hand still on her heart.
I smiled remembering what I experienced in the
forest, while everyone started dispersing.
But my mind was interrupted by Thomas who was
standing in front of me.
Manteo looked at me and I nodded. Then he left
as well.
"Well, living in the forest suits you Amy…"
"I no longer go by that name…"
"Yes… Sorry, I guess."
"What can I do for you Thomas?"
"Here…" he said, handing me a piece of clothes.
I opened it and I immediately recognized the
diamond engagement ring and wedding rings we had
exchanged when we pretended to be married.
"I retrieved them when…"
"When you left me on the boat."
"Yes… Please keep them. I guess it's my way of
apologizing for having been such a lousy husband."
"Thank you. Don't worry, it's all behind us now."
"Friends?" he suggested, extending his hand.
I took it without hesitating.
The sun was illuminating the whole landscape, joining us
all on this day of joy.
It was the morning of our wedding.
Aponi and Dyami were presiding over the ceremony.
My heart felt so grateful for this new life the Great Spirit
had offered me; a life where I was free from conventions,
free from past wounds and traumas, a life where I was
free to love unconditionally, here and now.
My most sincere thanks to Daniel Meurois and Marie-
Johanne Croteau-Meurois who, through their teachings
and practices, are contributing to bring Heaven on Earth.
PART 1
PLYMOUTH – March 1587
p.5
CHAPTER 1 – Adverse Winds
p.6
CHAPTER 2 – Shallow Waters
p.12
CHAPTER 3
–
Loose Earth
p.18
CHAPTER 4 – Burning Sparks
p.33
PART 2
ROANOKE ISLAND – July 22
nd
1587
p. 43
CHAPTER 1 – Garnet
p.44
CHAPTER 2 – Amber
p.48
CHAPTER 3 – Citrine
p.63
CHAPTER 4 – Pink Quartz
p.66
CHAPTER 5 – Aquamarine
p.71
CHAPTER 6 – Lapis Lazuli
p.82
CHAPTER 7 – Amethyst
p.88
PART 3
HOME – Autumn 1587
p.93
CHAPTER 1 – Thymus
p.94
CHAPTER 2 – Amyris balsamifera
p.98
CHAPTER 3 – Ledum
p.100
CHAPTER 4 – Rosa
p.106
CHAPTER 5 – Salvia
p.112
CHAPTER 6 – Picea glauca
p.116
CHAPTER 7 – Juniperus communis p.120
CHAPTER 8 – Boswellia
p.122
PART 4
SHANTE ISHTA – Spring 1588
p.126
CHAPTER 1 – The Red Ray of Courage
p.128
CHAPTER 2 – The Orange Ray of Progress p.135
CHAPTER 3 – The Yellow Ray of Receptivity p.139
CHAPTER 4 – The Green Ray of Aspiration p.148
CHAPTER 5 – The Blue Ray of Perseverance p.152
CHAPTER 6 – The Indigo Ray of Gratefulness p.155
CHAPTER 7 – The Purple Ray of Humility p.159
CHAPTER 8 – The White Ray of Sincerity p.163
CHAPTER 9 – The Golden Ray of the Divine Love
p.165
CHAPTER 10 – The White Sun of Serenity, Goodness
and Generosity
p.167
