Strange and unusual things seemed to follow Lydia Deetz her whole life. She seemed to have a knack for collecting supernatural souvenirs. And as she looked at the massive spider wedding ring on her finger, she realized she had just collected the biggest trophy of them all.

"Nice, eh babes?" her new husband grabbed her hand and gave it a tight squeeze. "It's an antique. I've been saving it for centuries for the right gal." He lifted up her hand and kissed it.

Lydia placed her hand back on the steering wheel. Her trip to Winter River certainly didn't turn out as she planned. Instead of one funeral she went to two and found herself married to the ghost that scared her the most. She was driving back to her home in the suburbs of New York, her daughter in the backseat and her husband riding shotgun.

Astrid furiously flipped through the pages of the Handbook for the Recently Deceased. "There's got to be a way to get rid of this man..."

Betelgeuse turned around in his seat. "Good luck finding a loophole! It will take you several lifetimes." He grabbed Lydia's hand again. "My passport is stamped and I'm looking forward to spending the rest of my afterlife with my two girls." He reached his arm behind Lydia's shoulders and started to gently stroke the back of her neck. "Where do you want to spend our honeymoon? Hawaii? I've always wanted to go there."

"Can't. I need to get back to filming new episodes of Ghost House. I've been away from the set long enough."

"I've got to say, I'm your biggest fan! I've seen every episode. But I think it could be better. I have a lot of ideas to really kick it up a few notches."

He rambled on and on about various bio-exorcisms he could perform for the cameras. Lydia focused her eyes on the road thinking of her future. She was stuck with this man now, and although she tried to fight it for so many years she started thinking that maybe now she would make the best of it. She casually turned to look at her new husband, he did possess a sort of animal magnetism that her previous lovers lacked. Perhaps he would be fun to have around for a while? Or at least until Astrid could find a loophole.

After hours in the car they approached their home in the suburbs. "So this is the place, huh?" Betelgeuse walked around the living room, jumped on the couch and spread himself out. "A guy could get used to this."

Astrid leaned over and whispered to her mom. "Don't worry, I'll find a loophole."

Lydia sighed deeply. "I think I need a drink." She walked into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of wine. Betelgeuse followed her in, ever closely attached at her hip.

"I like what you've done with the place, but it could use a man's touch."

Lydia poured a glass and handed it to him. "Want a drink?"

He looked at the glass with a thousand yard stare. Ancient memories came flooding back. "Sorry, but I don't take drinks from women I'm married to. I'll have to tell you my lore sometime."

Lydia took a sip. "Go ahead, I want to hear it. I mean, if we're married now, I want to know all about the man I'm married to."

He took the bottle of wine from her and began to chug. "Alright, I'll give you the short and sweet version. I was a graverobber during the plague and was having a pretty good time doing that, I met Delores and I fell head over heels for her, but it was all a ruse. She poisoned me so I could be a sacrifice for some real black magic shit. But I guess I got the last laugh, I did a number on her with an axe before I went." He looked at Lydia and smiled, but her eyes got big as she took another sip. "I promise, I got spousal homicide out of my system for good. Will never happen again."

It took a minute for Lydia to absorb what he had just said. Her new husband was a murder victim and murderer at the same time. "You know, all ghosts carry with them some trauma. Unfulfilled needs and desires. It keeps them haunting the places they died and inspires them to terrorize the living."

"Oh yeah, what's my trauma?"

"I used to think you terrorized people just for the fun of it. But now I think you're a little deeper than that. I think what you're seeking is love."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes. Something about your marriage with Delores left you unfulfilled. You felt love that was unrequited. And now you think I'm the one that can fulfill your needs."

"You're very good at this honey. No wonder your show is the best." The couple headed off to the living room, Lydia sat on the couch next to Astrid while Betelgeuse made himself comfortable on the recliner. "So, Astrid, I hear you have a few days before you have to go back to boarding school. I was thinking we could really bond during this time, you and me. Father and daughter."

Astrid rolled her eyes. "I'm not calling you dad. I already have one dead father, I don't need two!"

"Oh come on, maybe we can go bowling together, binge some shows on Netflix. Maybe go fishing?"

Astrid looked at Lydia. "Mom, a little help here?"

Lydia leaned back on the couch, glass of wine in her hand looking Betelgeuse up and down. She became hypnotized by his striped suit. He sat with his legs spread in an almost obnoxious way as he waved his hands around manically explaining wild ideas to Astrid about how they could bond. Her eyes were drawn to the pleating in his pants and she caught herself sizing him up. She wasn't sure if the black and white stripes were an optical illusion or if he was packing something in his pants. He definitely seemed bigger than Rory, although that wasn't saying much. As she sipped her wine her thoughts suddenly turned to sex. It had been an awfully long time since she had gotten laid, and she couldn't remember the last time she enjoyed sex. Definitely never with Rory, and probably a few boyfriends ago. The way Betelgeuse spoke in innuendos made her wonder if he was actually good in bed. Or he was a one pump chump like her ex. The thought of welcoming Betelgeuse into her bed used to sicken and disgust her, but now she was morbidly intrigued.

He snapped his fingers and started waving his hands in front of Lydia's face. "Hello, is someone in there?"

Lydia finished her glass of wine. "I think I'm going to go upstairs for a bit." She set her glass down and made her way to the stairs. In an instant Betelgeuse appeared behind her.

"Allow me." He scooped Lydia up in his arms and carried her up the stairs. He approached her bedroom and kicked the door down, nearly knocking it off its hinges. Lydia looked around and the bed was transformed to donning deep red satin sheets adorned with rose petals while they were illuminated by dozens of low burning candles. Before Lydia could say anything, she was tossed on the bed and he threw himself on top of her. "You have no idea how long I've waited for this. I promise it will be well worth the wait." He grabbed her and started kissing her forcefully.

Lydia pulled herself away. "Before we continue, I think I should give you your wedding present. Come to the bathroom with me." She grabbed him by the hand and led him into the master bath, attached to her bedroom. He looked at her with feverish anticipation as she handed him a toothbrush and toothpaste.

"Really Lydia?!"

"I'm serious. If you want me to kiss you, you need to brush your teeth."

He rolled his eyes and stomped his feet. "Seriously?! I've never had to do that."

"I'm serious." He groaned and grabbed the toothbrush from her hands and scowled as he brushed his teeth. "Two minutes, I'll time you." He scoffed and scowled at the mirror as Lydia stood behind him. After his torturous two minutes was over he spat into the sink and looked at Lydia.

"Happy now?" He approached Lydia and tried to kiss her, but she held her hand up and blocked him.

"We're not done. You need to take a shower."

"Why?"

"Because you're covered in centuries of moss, and you smell like a freshly dug grave. You're seriously a walking UTI."

"Oh, come on! I don't do showers! Honestly, I'm a bit hydrophobic."

Lydia sighed. "Fine. I'll shower with you." She let her black dress slide off her shoulders onto the floor. Betelgeuse stood dumbfounded at her as he watched each piece of clothing fall off. The object of his undying love and affection was finally naked in front of him and he didn't know what to do.

Lydia stepped into the shower. "Well come on!"

Furiously he ripped his striped suit off piece by piece. He stepped into her shower and looked her up and down, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her in closely for a kiss. She reached behind him and turned the water on. "Aaah! Cold!" He flinched as the water hit his skin.

"Oh, come on, a little cold water shouldn't bother a ghost."

"Hey, I can still feel ya know. Temperature, hot, cold, some pain, pleasure too." He grabbed for her breasts and gave them a squeeze. "God, these feel better than I imagined."

Lydia started scrubbing his scalp, she watched in disgust as dozens of millipedes fell off and circled the drain. Betelgeuse didn't seem to mind, his hands were caressing and stroking his new wife's body rapidly moving from one area to another. Lydia was unamused as she started scrubbing the various patches of moss off his face, arms and chest. He paused to gently grab her face and pull her in for a deep kiss. She tasted the mint on his breath and went in for another. His lips felt icy and cool, and his chill embrace of death sent shivers down her spine. Lydia took in the sights, his messy blonde hair that hadn't been brushed in centuries lay soaking wet at his shoulders, his blue eyes shone brightly at her surrounded by dark circles. His marble white skin now clean of moss and grave dirt. She ran her fingers through his blonde chest hair and down to his stomach. Noticing a patch of moss below his waist she fell to her knees to start scrubbing his thighs and found herself face to face with...it. She had been imagining what his manhood looked like earlier, but nothing could prepare her for this. From base to tip his uncut cock was adorned with horizontal dark stripes closely resembling a sandworm. Confused and dumbfounded she let out a loud laugh.

"Oh great, way to boost my self-confidence babes. That's exactly what a man needs, his dick laughed at."

"I'm sorry, it's just…seriously, what is this?"

"Look, weird shit happens to you when you die. It's kind of like a second puberty."

"Hey, at least it's big." She took his cock in her hand and started to slowly stroke it. Even semi-hard it towered over any other man she'd ever been with.

"I'm seven and a half hard. All for you honey." Lydia looked up at him as she continued to stroke. He smiled brightly at her as the drops of water slid down his body. "Well, are you going to suck it?"

She pressed the tip against her lips and gave it a longing kiss. "Sorry, it's been a really long time since I've done this. I'm a bit rusty."

"Lyds, I can't even remember the last time I got a blowjob. Actually, I do remember...but I'd rather not." He ran his fingers through her wet hair and pulled it back. "Just take your time. I'm sure you'll be great at this." Inspired by his confidence in her, and intrigued by his length, Lydia started sucking him furiously, stroking him with one hand and taking him deeper and deeper into her mouth with every suck, motivated by his sharp raspy breaths. His stripes worked as a good depth gauge, motivating her to take him deeper into her every time, each time passing the next stripe, until her forehead was pressed against his stomach. He groaned deeply as he looked down at this sight.

Lydia pulled herself away and looked up at him. "How am I doing? Are you enjoying this?" He looked down at her and without saying a word he picked her up under her armpits, lifted her up, and slammed her against the wall of the shower, knocking the shampoo bottles down with his force. With one fell swoop he spread her legs and forced his entire length inside her. Lydia let out a shocked gasp at the sudden penetration, but he didn't stop. He thrust himself inside of her again, and again as he buried his face into her neck and started passionately biting. After a few lustful moments Lydia wrapped her legs around his waist and he stepped out of the shower, carrying her to the bedroom. Sopping wet, he tossed her onto the bed. She looked into his dark eyes in lustful suspense, wondering what he was about to do next. He went in for another passionate kiss, biting her lower lip as he pulled himself away. He whispered in her ear "I'm going to blow your fucking mind tonight."

Before she could respond his lips moved down to her breasts. He took turns biting, sucking, and squeezing them. Before Lydia had time to respond to this stimulus he headed down to her stomach. She realized where he would be heading next and let out a sigh of anticipation and passion. As he made his way between her legs she leaned back in the bed and smiled brightly. Rory certainly never went down on her, and she couldn't remember the last time she had this experience. The guys she had been with always groaned and hesitated when she asked for oral sex. Betelgeuse was definitely not this type. As he began eating her out, she could tell that this was one of his many hidden talents, he seemed to know exactly where to kiss, where to lick, and where to suck. And not once did he ever slow down, hesitate, or come up for air. As he progressed she found herself moaning and screaming loudly as though her soul was disassociating from her body. Quickly a warm sensation was radiating through her body starting from between her thighs. She sat up, arched her back, and let out a loud scream as she achieved orgasm. As quickly as she came her body relaxed and she fell back down on the bed. As she stared at the ceiling trying to catch her breath Betelgeuse peered over her, smiling.

"Oh my god, that was incredible..."

"Hey, I'm nowhere near done with you yet. That was just a warm up."

He pinned her legs back and thrust himself inside of her without warning. Still recovering from her orgasm, she wrapped her arms around him, encouraging his manic demonic thrusts. He panted rapidly and harshly as he thrusted. "How am I doing? Good? You like?" She found herself unable to speak, she nodded her head yes rapidly. He pulled himself away and landed on his back. He motioned to her. "Alright, take the reins for a bit. I want to see you on top."

Lydia happily obliged him. He gripped fiercely onto her thighs, and she alternated between grinding and bouncing on his cock. He looked at her with a toothy grin as her breasts bounced wildly, giving him a stimulating sight. "God damn girl, you really know how to ride. Hey, let's take it up a notch. Check this out." Before Lydia could respond she felt his cock begin to strongly vibrate inside of her. She didn't even have time to properly respond or acclimate to this strange change before she felt herself having another orgasm. As she screamed again Betelgeuse shouted "Ladies and gentlemen, everyone loves a sequel! Let's give it up for round two of Lydia's orgasm!"

She pulled herself off of him and collapsed on the bed, her body weak and dizzy. "Alright...you win. I think I'm done."

He sat up and got behind her, grabbing her hips. "We're done when I say we're done." Betelgeuse firmly gripped her ass and started thrusting from behind. Lydia gripped tightly onto the satin bedsheets to steady herself. "Hey, let me know when I'm hitting your g-spot." She suddenly felt a strange sensation of his dick changing his curve inside of her, she was freaked out but at the same time strangely fascinated.

"Ok, there, you're hitting it!" Her body felt weak, already pushed to her limit and beyond. And now yet another orgasm was starting to build. Betelgeuse sensed this and started to fuck her deeper and harder. He grabbed her hair and pulled her head back as she let out a scream. "I'm cumming! I'm cumming!"

"Hear that!? Lydia's cumming again! Make way for the trilogy!"

Lydia came and collapsed again on the bed. "I'm seriously at my limit. I can't take much more of this."

He leaned into her, pressing his stomach against her back and whispering in her ear. "Don't worry, I'm almost there." He flipped Lydia on her back. As he thrusted, he caressed her face and looked into her beautiful brown eyes. For centuries he secretly longed for the tender touch of a lover, and now the object of his obsessive affection was finally in his arms tenderly moaning and panting at him. The fulfillment of this desire was almost overwhelming. "I love you, Lydia." His thrusts became supernaturally quick and deep. She looked up at him as his facial expression changed, his eyes shut, and he winced. "IT'S SHOWTIME!" Betelgeuse pulled out and came all over her stomach. He pulled himself away and collapsed on his back, breathing deeply and trying to collect his thoughts. He looked over at Lydia. "Well, I think it was well worth the wait. I'm curious, where would you rank it?"

Lydia looked at him. "Are you kidding me? That was...beyond amazing."

He smiled ear to ear. "Hey, I've had over 30 years to plan our first time together."

"God, I can't even remember the last time I had a real orgasm. Probably before Astrid was born."

"That's honestly really sad. I had a feeling pencil dick wasn't doing it for ya."

"Are you kidding? He could barely last two minutes." She looked down at her stomach, in the dark candlelight of the bedroom she noticed she was illuminated by an eerie greenish glow. "Oh my god! What the hell is this?!"

"Oh yeah, my cum glows in the dark. Remember that thing I said about death being a second puberty? This is part of it." He grabbed a towel out of thin air and started wiping her down. He tossed the towel aside and caressed Lydia's face. "Hey, I also know how it feels to go without for a long time. Try 600 years. I mean, there was this thing at Dante's Inferno Room...but that doesn't really count. I consider that my bachelor party." He noticed she looked at him with a bit of unease. "If you'd like, every night can be like this from now on."

Lydia managed a half smile. "Maybe not every night. I might need a couple of days in between to recover."

"Hey, fair enough." he continued to stroke her face. "You look so beautiful I can hardly stand it."

Lydia rested her head on his chest. Her thoughts started to race. After everything that had happened she still had mixed feelings over Betelgeuse. He was gregarious, boisterous, headstrong in his determination, and had a unique ability to crawl under your skin and stay there. But his love for her was equal parts sweet and fascinating. His unending showers of affection was strange to Lydia, and his dedication to her was still confusing to say the least.

He ran his fingers through her wet black hair and gave her a kiss on the forehead. "I could go for round 2 if you'd like?"

Lydia smiled a devilish grin. "Sure Beej." She gave him a kiss and threw herself on top of him, commencing another round of love making.