Is This Love...?
Part Thirteen
Grief
Content warning: Family death, grief, depression.
The flight to Louisiana had felt more tense than the last. That last flight, when she and Remy had been on edge thinking of Bella Donna and Henri's daughter to be near the brink of death, it had felt so tense...but this felt even worse somehow. Remy had been so eerily silent, more than he ever had before, barely saying a word more than was necessary.
From the moment they'd gotten out of bed, things had felt overwhelmingly stressful. Remy had been lucky enough to book the last two seats in different spots on the earliest flight to Louisiana...they'd had barely fifty minutes to get to the airport and Rogue hadn't even had time to tell anyone what was happening, she'd been too afraid of causing Remy to miss the flight home and so they'd eft without word before anyone had even had the chance to know they'd gone.
Then they'd been delayed in traffic, but much to their luck, upon arrival they'd learned the plane had been delayed by several hours which meant they'd not missed the flight at all in the end. Remy had booked first class, giving them access to a first class lounge to wait, which had been quieter, less hectic than the rest of the airport.
Sitting there sipping airport coffee and not knowing what to really say to each other...it'd been intense and stressful for her...she couldn't imagine how it felt for Remy himself.
Rogue's stomach was in knots the entire time, wondering what had happened to Jean-Luc, how he'd died, and why it'd all been so damn sudden. She wanted to ask but somehow it didn't feel appropriate to. Remy didn't seem to be in the mood to discuss anything more than their plans of travel or what coffee he'd wanted; he had a look on his face that was stoic, but she'd see his Adams apple bobbing up and down, every now and then hear a soft and shaky sigh escaping his lips. He wasn't ready to talk about it.
Didn't even tell anyone we were leavin', she thought worriedly. Ah don't want to start makin' calls now and havin' to explain what's goin' on...Remy is private about his family, he's never told anyone about them except me. Ah want to try and keep this as confidential as possible...he won't want others knowin' he's hurtin'.
And so, she'd put her phone on silent, and avoided looking at it.
On the plane ride, he'd been much the same way, sitting the row of seats an aisle away from her so that she had to keep leaning to glance past the person next to her to check on Remy; his expression was somewhere now between stoic and lost, his fingers absently tapping on the arm rest, his jaw set.
She wanted to tell him everything would be all right but how could she? She knew it wasn't going to be. The only father he'd ever had and would have had just died. Nothing was all right any more.
After renting a car at the airport, they took the long drive to Bloodmoon, and Rogue took the wheel, trying to ignore how sore her shoulders and neck felt with tension. The silence between them was one of the most difficult ones she'd ever faced, and she fought to find a way to endure it, knowing that nothing she could say was ever going to make anything better. It felt so wrong having the radio on but she'd needed to put it on just to take the sting off the silence, to make things feel somehow normal despite what was happening, to try and keep herself thinking from that morning.
She hated herself for how angry she'd been with him right when he'd taken the call from Bella Donna, how she'd felt momentarily resentful that once again, he'd chosen to give his attention to his family instead of her. She wondered if perhaps if she'd had experience of a real family and something like this had occurred, she'd have done the same.
As she parked the car outside of the LeBeau house, it was almost ten pm, and the skies were dark, a crescent moon rising behind the roof. Although the porch and driveway lights were on this time, pulling up to the parking area reminded her of returning here in October, of how tense she'd felt, how an oppressive aura of tragedy seemed to linger over the area.
As she opened the drivers side door, Rogue spied Bella Donna coming out of the front door. Remy got out of the car slowly, she sensed his reluctance, saw the dark and tense look on his face as he looked at his sister-in-law.
He doesn't want to face this, Rogue thought sadly. He doesn't know how to face this...he's never lost someone before...
Belle came down the steps and approached them, she immediately moved to Remy without hesitation, wrapping her arms around him, cupping his head, saying not a word as Rogue stood observing them both, feeling awkward and like an interloper once again, just the way she had in October. They hugged for a long time, and Rogue tried to not let it spark her insecurities, she watched Remy weakly hug her back, a shaky sigh escaping his lips.
Rogue turned towards the front door, seeing Henri there, holding baby Kennedy in his arms.
The baby had changed so much. She was still small, smaller than she absolutely should have been for a seven month old, but she looked healthy, chubby, pink and bright as she clung onto her father's t-shirt with her tiny chubby fingers. She barely had what constituted as a puff of fine, golden blonde hair and was wearing a pink floral dress that was slightly too big for her, tiny little pink Mary-Jane shoes glossy under the porch light – those shoes were so small, they looked like they'd been made for a doll, not a baby.
Remy sniffed as he stepped away from Belle, moving up the steps towards Henri, reaching for the baby without even a word, accepting her from Henri's arms.
Rogue couldn't explain why she understood why he'd wanted the baby right then, only that somewhere deep inside of herself she sensed the reason, it made sense to her as she saw him draw the infant to his chest and kiss her tiny head, his bare fingers stroking the thin strands of her hair. His tenderness was so different from when he was with her, it was so delicate...so pure.
Belle turned Rogue towards her, "I'm so glad you came back..." she said, and she immediately drew her into a very tight embrace, her head resting upon Rogue's shoulder; for such a petite and slight girl, her grip was incredibly strong. Rogue hugged her back, patting her back lightly, not really knowing how to properly respond.
She had so many things she knew she should say. Sorry for your loss. How are you holding up? How is Henri? How's the baby? Are you okay? Is there anything Ah can do?
Not one word managed to escape her lips though, she felt so overwhelmed with the tension and grief around her.
Belle released her, took her gloved hand in hers and led her up the stairs, "come on inside, I've just put on some coffee."
Coffee after ten pm? Guess that means we're gonna be up havin' some difficult conversations, Rogue supposed. She glanced up the steps of the porch to Remy, who was hugging his tiny niece. As Rogue got closer, she caught sight of the baby's curious huge blue eyes, just like Belle's, so bright, clear, innocent. The child was the most beautiful baby she'd ever seen, a living angel, the embodiment of absolute perfection on Earth.
"She's stunnin'," Rogue admitted to Belle.
Belle looked at Henri, "honey, can you get the bags from their car? I'll go put the coffee and cake out."
Rogue wasn't sure she had it in her to eat cake. But she definitely felt like after the day she'd had that coffee wouldn't go amiss.
Realising she was being perhaps a little distant from the situation, she reached out and touched Remy's arm lightly to remind him she was there for him even if she didn't really know what to say to him right now, and he turned to look at her, his expression dull and tired.
"S' okay if I go lie down f' a while?" Remy asked quietly in response to her, his lids seemed heavy. "Think I'm feelin' a bit jet lagged."
Rogue was taken aback by the question, she wasn't sure he could be feeling that jet lagged but she forced a smile and gave a weak nod, "of course, sugar..."
Belle took the baby from Remy, supporting the tiny child in one arm as she made her way to the kitchen. Rogue followed Belle while Remy headed upstairs. She supposed Henri would take their bags upstairs and he and Remy would discuss what had happened in private before Remy lay down.
Ah can't imagine what this feels like, Rogue thought sadly as she entered the kitchen. She was surprised to find that the kitchen had changed, new paint, new cabinet doors, a new dishwasher and sink. It seemed like they'd finally gotten some of the upgrades she'd been promised. Who had paid for that? Henri or Remy?
Does it matter? Rogue wondered.
"Could you hold her while I make the coffee?" Belle held the baby towards Rogue.
"Not a good idea..." Rogue stepped back, "Ah'm still...you know..." she shrugged meekly.
Belle seemed to have not realised things hadn't changed, or perhaps it was just that she herself was so normal that these things never really had to occur to her.
"Let me do the coffee," Rogue suggested, she took Belle's free arm and gently moved her towards a chair at the round kitchen table. "You take a load off..."
"You're a guest."
"Ah know my way around this kitchen, sugar," Rogue made her way to where the mugs were kept. She remembered the places where things were kept from her time here in October. It'd only been a few short days but she'd gotten used to knowing where to find things in that time. "How you take your coffee?"
"I can't have any righ' now, I'm breas' feedin'," Belle pointed out.
Rogue wasn't sure how to respond to this at first, she knew absolutely nothing about breastfeeding, and it had certainly never occurred to her how Belle would be feeding her daughter until this moment.
"You're not allowed?"
"I get a small cup in the mornin', to help me function...have to be careful about how much I have."
"Oh..."
Belle sat down with a sigh, cuddling her daughter, "how's Remy since this mornin'?"
Rogue shook her head as she went to the coffee machine, "It's...hard to say with him. He's...been quiet."
"Yeah, that's Remy, all right," Belle agreed. "Still waters run deep."
Rogue poured herself a mug of the coffee and brought it over to the table – Bella Donna had already put out a cake which was topped with almonds, small plates waited aside.
"He hasn't said a whole lot," Rogue confessed as she took a seat cornerwise to Belle and put her mug down. "Ah...didn't want to ask him what was goin' on. Ah can see the tension stretched out on that handsome face of his. Ah don't want to break him."
"Yeah, probably wise at this point," Belle bounced her daughter in her arm, "he's never lost someone before so...I don' know if he really knows how to deal with this..."
"Ah wouldn't either," Rogue confessed. "So...what...happened?" she asked uneasily. She'd been dying to ask all day but had respected Remy's space and let him deal quietly with him, not wanting to pressure him to talk about it. He wasn't ready, she'd sensed it.
"Henri went to wake him Jean-Luc this mornin' and he wasn't in his room, so he went to his office and found him there slumped back in his chair," Belle looked unhappy, "he'd been...gone a while. At least that's what the paramedics said. Time Henri found him, he was freezin' cold...all the colour gone from his face, y' know?" Belle swallowed hard. "I've seen a lot o' bodies before - part of myu job and all...but...seein' the body of someone you know...it's...real differen'."
"What do you think happened?" Rogue asked uneasily.
"Who knows? Stroke? Heart attack?" Belle shook her head. "He didn't seem to have any injuries...he looked sort of...peaceful. An autopsy gonna be performed in a few days so we get a clear answer. It's gonna be a waitin' game until then."
"How is Henri takin' it?" Rogue asked.
Belle seemed to swallow, "Like you'd expect...he's...angry...hatin' himself."
"Why does he hate himself?" Rogue wondered.
"He thinks it's his fault...thinks maybe if he had gotten there sooner, maybe he could have saved him...said he should have checked on him last night..." Belle shook her head sadly. "He's never had to check before..."
Rogue, suddenly feeling a little hungry having gone practically the entire day without more than a bag of potato chips she'd eaten in the airport lounge, reached for the cake knife and started to cut herself a slice.
"Henri is...panicked to say the least," Belle continued. "He's second-in-command of the Guild...he's...inheriting all the responsibility and he's unprepared..."
"Oh God...Ah never even figured that in," Rogue admitted as she served herself the slice on to the plate, "You want some of this?"
Belle shook her head, then continued. "The guild has to be managed. Jean-Luc has been groomin' him for the position for the past five or six years...but even havin' had all the trainin', bein' shown the ropes, Henri just...feels lost."
"Do...you think he's capable?"
Little Kennedy gave a coo as if to answer, she smiled at Rogue, her arms reaching out to her.
"I don' know," Belle said, "Even if he is...we...I'm...not ready for this. I barely see him most nights as it is...it's been hard. If he takes over leadership now...it'll be like livin' wit' a ghost..."
"Sorry," Rogue sighed, "can't imagine how that feels."
"You can't? After all the time Remy has taken away from you to help us?" Belle asked. "You didn't miss him?"
Rogue stared down at her cake, she picked up a cake fork from the holder in the middle of the table and pushed the tines the edge of the cake, "Course Ah did. Ah...missed him so much...but...Ah know he has to make choices...Ah wasn't the one."
Belle scoffed, "course you're the one. You've always been the one."
"Not always," Rogue shook her head.
"You know he told me the first time he saw you and looked into your eyes, he felt a little ping in his spine, like somethin' vibrated in him? Said when he was gone later he coul'n' get it out o' his damn head..." Belle frowned at the table, "He admitted to me, y' know?"
"Admitted what?" Rogue queried, she took a small bite of the cake, which was coffee flavoured.
"That it was always in his thoughts. When we got engaged...was pickin' out venues...he kep' thinkin' 'bout you...in the back o' his min' wonderin' if maybe there coul' really be somethin' there. Said he'd never fel' like that, never had someone he coul'n' get out o' his head in that way..."
Rogue felt her cheeks grow hot.
"I never made him feel like that. He cared...definitely. We had our moments...our fun. But it's never been like you two. I see this thing 'tween you two...I envy it. I never got that wit' him."
"You have that with Henri..." Rogue pointed out, "Ah saw it before."
"Ah love Henri so much," Bella Donna nodded, "but Remy always gon' be my firs' love. Always gon' be that lil' bit o' me feels that. Always gon' be that lil' bit o' me jealous o' you."
"Jealous of me?" Rogue scoffed.
"You got him...he's never cheated on you...not once..." Belle stated coolly.
"You're sure he wasn't with anyone?" Rogue queried.
What right have Ah to be mad if he did? Ah walked away from him...he had every right to do what he wanted if it was in him...
"He was here most of the time, holdin' the house together, fixin' things, workin' the rest of the hours. Ah doubt he had time, and judgin' by how frustrated and irritable he was...I'm pretty certain he wasn't gettin' his rocks off. I know him well enough f' that."
"Oh."
"You're the one. He wouldn't even be with anyone else. You're the only one he wan' now. This is real."
"He...told me for the first time yesterday," Rogue admitted. "Said he loves me..."
Belle smirked a little, she gave Rogue's sleeved arm a gentle smack, "knew it."
"Ah was...a little floored."
"I would have been too," Belle admitted.
The baby lunged forward a little on the table, reaching for Rogue again.
"She likes you," Belle realised, "she's not usually like this with strangers...she's got a good feelin' 'bout you."
Rogue reached out a gloved finger to the baby and the baby grabbed her finger hard, "ow...she's...got quite a grip."
Belle smirked, "You gonna be wantin' any of your own some day, cherie?"
"Ah...don't know. Things are still...up in the air..." Rogue nodded down to her glove.
"Won't be that way forever," Belle kissed her baby's head. "Trust me."
Rogue waited an hour before going upstairs to be with Remy. Belle had advised her to let him lie alone for a while, that he needed time to process what was happening.
Belle had retired half an hour earlier and the house was quiet, dark, the coffee mug and plate she'd used clean, the cake stored away. Rogue crept up the stairs quietly and down the hall to Remy's room, the door was ajar, which was unusual for him; she wondered if Belle or Henri had left it like that after checking on him.
Silently, she slipped into the dark room and she stood by the door, observing him in the dim light from the lamp near his side of the bed. His back was turned to her, she heard his breathing, knew at once he wasn't asleep. As she stood watching, she saw the shaking of his shoulders a little, and her heart hurt as if some cruel hand had come out and squeezed it.
Slowly, she moved towards the bed and sat behind him on the small space he'd left at his back, putting her hand gently upon his arm. She heard him give a sigh, he stiffened at her light touch, and she gently rubbed his arm.
"Ah'm so sorry, sugar," she said quietly, not knowing really what else to say to him.
Should have said this hours ago...this mornin', she realised as she kept rubbing his arm.
"S' my fault," Remy said, his voice hoarse, cracking.
"This isn't your fault..." she squeezed his arm.
"I shoul' a been here..." his voice cracked again.
Rogue wasn't sure his being there would have made a single difference. This event, it'd happened in the night, how could he have stopped it? If Henri couldn't have stopped it, how could Remy?
"It was natural, sugar..." Rogue murmured, "No one was capable of stoppin' this."
"If I'd been here—"
"No..." she shook her head although he wasn't looking at her, "This is not on you...not Henri, not Belle, not little Kennedy either. This is a case that somethin' just...gave out."
"Y' don' know that..." he swallowed hard, his voice thick.
"Neither do you," she pointed out gently.
Remy rolled over and shifted on the bed, grabbing a hold of her by the waist, his face laying upon her lap. She sat there, feeling a little lost, but she put her fingers upon his hair and stroked gently.
"He was my father..." Remy said brokenly.
"He always will be..." Rogue pointed out. She rested back against Remy's pillows, stroking his hair as he lay there with his head on her lap, his breathing shuddering through her. She was sure he was on the brink of tears but he'd never cried in front of her and she was certain he was fighting the need to do so now. Part of her wanted to tell him it was all right to cry, that it was all right to not be all right, but she couldn't get the words out.
Instead, she sat there all night, uncomfortable, his head heavy on her lap and his sadness heavy on her heart.
When morning came, she awoke in the same sitting position she'd been in with Remy when he'd lay upon her lap; her back was aching and her neck throbbing and she felt a little headachey.
The night had been longer than she'd had thought it might, not only because of the weight of Remy's head on her lap (which she'd never expected to be quite as heavy as it was) and her back hurting as she'd sat there not wanting to disturb him as he'd slept, but into the early hours of the morning, just as she had somehow managed to doze off, she'd been disturbed by the sounds of little Kennedy crying. At first, it'd been on and off whimpers and then a full blown wailing which had torn through the night time silence of the house like an air-raid siren.
The noise of the baby crying had gotten to Rogue a little. She remembered what Remy had said to her during that first trip here in October, when the baby had been crying in coach. Remy had felt that it was hormonal that Rogue felt such a strong reaction to baby's crying, that it was some kind of in-built mothering instinct.
In Rogue's opinion, the baby's crying had not stirred the need to be a mother within her and as she'd sat there listening to the muffled sound of Belle singing a lullaby in the next room and the baby's non-stop wailing, Rogue had felt damn thankful she'd taken that morning after pill when she had.
Ah am not ready to be a mom, she had thought as she'd sat there stroking Remy's hair. It'd seemed like a good solid hour at least until the crying had finally simmered down and according to the clock by Remy's bed, it'd been near three am by that point, and then the house had felt into a dead silence, and Rogue had been there with nothing but her thoughts and the night sounds...the house's creaking and settling, the sound of one of the water pipes, and an owl that had settled on tree nearby the window.
Her legs hurt a little as she moved them and she rubbed her thighs vigorously as she glanced around the room sleepily, noting she could hear noise in the bathroom nearby, the sound of the shower running.
He's up, she thought as she yawned and she got up, stretching, rolling her neck. She moved to the bathroom door, wanting to check on him, telling herself that his being naked should no longer be something she should feel embarrassed to see. He was her boyfriend now, it was supposed to be normal to see him.
She stood at the door to the bathroom, gazing in at him as he stood behind the shower curtain in the old fashioned bathtub, he was standing still, his head low, the nozzle aimed at his head. If the circumstances had been different, she might have admired how beautiful his physique was, appreciated what a fine specimen of manhood he was behind that transparent material. As it was, all she could do was worry about him. He wasn't even properly showering, he was just standing there letting the water rain down on him.
"Remy..." she said, clearing her throat a little after standing for a few moments observing him. She'd given him a few minutes like that out of respect and sympathy for the situation but she didn't want to leave him like that indefinitely.
He seemed to break a little out of a reverie, and he turned to look at her, "Y' up."
"Uh huh," she started picking up his dirty clothes from where he'd tossed them on the floor. He was usually far neater than this, and it bothered her to see him carelessly kicking off his pants to the side of the toilet when he'd never done that since she'd known him.
"Time to get out of the shower, sugar. You'll turn into a prune."
"Oh," was all he said, and he reached for the shower handle, pulling it, the water stopping, the sound of the last drips hitting the bath, echoing in the spacious bathroom.
She went to the bedroom to dispose of the clothes in the hamper, and then went to get her toothbrush and toothpaste from her bag. She returned to the bathroom as Remy was leaving the bathtub, grabbing for a towel to put around his waist. He said very little as he stood there for a minute dripping on the rug by the bath, and she watched him in the mirror while she started to brush her teeth.
God, this is not good...Ah've never seen him like this. How do you help someone who has lost a parent? She wondered uneasily. Ah'm not good at comfortin' people.
"Go dry off in the bedroom, Ah need to shower...don't want to hurt you with my powers," she told him after she'd finished brushing her teeth. She put her toothbrush in the cup on the edge of the old fashioned sink.
"Okay," he responded dully, and he left the bathroom.
It felt torturous to see him be like this. She wished she hadn't needed the shower, but she'd not had time the morning before, they'd been in too much of a hurry to pack and get to the airport so they could get here.
She went for a quick shower – marvelling at how the water pressure had now been fixed – and hoped that by the time she'd be done, she'd have some idea of what to do or say when it came to Remy. However, after the shower, she still felt as lost and so she wrapped one of the bath towels around herself – taking a moment to appreciate it seemed to be a new replacement for the older ones that'd been there before – and then returned to the bedroom.
Remy was sitting on the bed, his long hair still dripping wet on his shoulders, he was staring into space, seeming lost, the towel still around his waist.
"You okay, sugar?" she asked as she stood there holding her towel around herself.
Remy didn't even seem to hear her. He was lost in thoughts, memories, somewhere else entirely.
Quietly, she went about dressing while he sat there naked on the mattress.
He's not doin' good, she realised. Maybe Ah should call the Professor...maybe he has some ideas what Ah can do or...say? Or Logan?
No...she decided calling Logan would be a bad idea. She was sure Logan would tell him that as sad as the situation was, he needed to snap out of it because things had to be done.
Rogue decided that for the moment, she should let Remy sit there and try to quietly process things in his way if that was what had to be done, and so she got dressed, moving around him, not trying to disrupt him. But after she'd taken the time to pull her short damp hair into a ponytail (since she'd forgotten her hair dryer and didn't really want to go asking if Belle had one) and had put on some eyeliner and mascara quickly, Remy still had not moved from his spot.
He was still sitting there, his hair still dripping on his shoulders.
Can't let him sit like this forever. Come on, girl. He needs help.
Trying to push away her feeling of helplessness, she returned to the bathroom and retrieved a towel from the shelf on the wall and went back to him, climbing onto the mattress to get behind him He flinched suddenly, surprised by her interaction, somehow as if he'd not even realised she'd been there.
"Your hair is soakin, sugar," she said softly.
"Oh."
She squeezed the water out of his hair gently with the towel, listening to the sounds of the birds outside in the tree not far from his window. It was a beautiful day outside...it felt wrong to be such a beautiful day when things were like this.
As she knelt there watching his stiff posture, she wondered how to help relax him and bring him gently out of this grief. She wondered what Jean would have done for Scott when he was tense or sad...she thought of the times she'd seen them by the pool, seen Jean gently massaging Scott's shoulders.
Maybe that'd work? She wondered. He's a tactile person, maybe just some contact might help? Ah don't know...Ah don't really know how to be a girlfriend.
She tossed the towel aside to the footboard of the bed and gently moved her gloved fingers to his shoulders, sliding her fingers up the trapezius muscles and starting to gently pinch his flesh.
Touching his body this way, even innocently, made her feel so uneasy. She'd never touched him like this, even when they were being intimate, she'd never touched anyone like this. His flesh was so bare and she was still so afraid of her powers, even with her sleeves tucked into the edges of her gloves. But she pushed on, forcing herself to swallow her anxiety and consider him more than herself. His shoulders were so damn tense and she wasn't sure if was because he was so toned and muscular, or if it was tension. She had little experience of touching a man this way...of touching anyone like this.
Suck it up, buttercup, she commanded herself. Nothin' will happen...he won't get hurt...
The touch seemed to bring him seemed to come out of his reverie a little, she moved her fingers to his neck, squeezing and his posture seemed to start to loosen, his back slouching back against her body, sinking his weight against her. She moved her arms lightly and carefully around his shoulders, squeezing his body tenderly and he leaned back against her chest, putting all his weight into her, his damp hair pressing against her shoulder.
She hugged him, closing her eyes, and she hated that despite the situation, despite it seemed so inappropriate, she was savouring the moment nonetheless. She'd spent so much time away from him that every moment of closeness still felt so important right now.
"I'm an orphan again," Remy said after a time of them sitting there like that.
Rogue felt her eyes brimming with tears; she'd never heard him sound like that, never heard a tremor in his voice like that. She swallowed hard, trying to pull herself together.
Don't you cry. He needs you to be the strong one here, she furiously told herself as she squeezed him.
She didn't quite know what to say, this kind of comment didn't have a reasonable response. He was right, he was now an orphan again, just as he'd been all those years ago before Jean-Luc had taken him in.
She recalled what Logan had said on the night of her party, about how that nothing was guaranteed, you could lose people in an instant. She realised he'd been absolutely right. Jean-Luc's death could have been Remy's...just some random event, dying in his sleep or a heart attack after having worked out too hard...an accident during a mission. She could lose him at any time, and he'd never even know how she really felt about him.
Bracing herself, she closed her eyes and softly murmured the words, "Ah love you, Remy."
He turned a little, his face almost bumped hers and she leaned away from him, noting how his breath smelled of stale smoke and coffee from the day before. He looked at her, seeming to not be sure if he had really heard her say the words.
"But...your breath stinks, and your teeth are gross. You have to go brush and shave..." she brushed her gloved fingers against his jaw lightly. "Come on, sugar."
Remy gave a deep sigh, "okay, chere."
The day was...torturous. Breakfast had felt so tense that Rogue had barely managed a single bite without struggling to swallow it. Belle was trying to do her best and keep everything as routine as possible, while Remy and Henri sat quietly, forks pushing their food around idly, expressions dull, unhappy. They barely said a word to each other at all. After the two men barely ate, they both went separate ways, Remy stating he was going back to the bedroom, and Henri went to put the baby down because she was tired.
"Baby was up all night teethin'," Belle had said once Henri and Remy were gone, she collected the plates with the leftovers on them. "We're not the only ones havin' a rough time righ' now," she supposed.
"Ah heard her," Rogue confessed as she got up and started helping to collect the dishes. "Is she okay?"
"It's just painful...and there isn't a whole lot we can do to help her except give her stuff to cool her gums. I'll tell y'...as a momma, there's nothin' harder than hearin' your baby cryin' an' bein' helpless t' make her feel better..." Belle took the dishes she had to the new sink and started to dispose of the leftovers in the new food waste disposal.
Looks like a lot got fixed round here. Things were goin' good. No doubt, Jean-Luc's dyin' is gonna put them in the red again, though, Rogue realised. What if Remy has to stay here again? Ah don't know if Ah could handle that...Ah know it's selfish but...we just got together...Ah don't know if Ah can do long distance.
"Remy isn't holdin' up too well," Belle noted as she took the plates from Rogue and started to dispose of the leftover pieces of waffle.
Rogue stood by the counter, "he...said to me he's an orphan again..." she felt her eyes starting to glaze with the threat of tears.
Belle turned to look at her, "oh, chere..." she sighed.
"Ah don't know how to help him...he's so...hurt...Ah've never seen him like this..." Rogue felt a tear escape and she quickly wiped it from her cheek, "Ah've never known him like this...he's so strong...funny...he's always been so...bright. It's like the damn light went out of him and Ah' don't know how to ignite it."
"Death is difficult," Belle admitted. "When my momma died, it was...so hard. Me and my brother...my daddy...we barely spoke...everythin' felt so tense, y' know? But things get easier..." she touched Rogue's shoulder. "Life has to go on...and the heart heals slowly...he just needs time..."
Rogue gripped the counter, "Ah don't know what to say to him..."
"You don't have to have the right words. Trust me, there are none. Just be there, it's all you can do. When he needs you, he'll let you know."
"How is Henri? He seems...real quiet."
"He's...holdin' up. He's got a lot on his plate. Believe me, Remy is the one who got it easy...he gets to leave after this. Henri just inherited a whole damn guild chapter...it's gonna be stressful."
Rogue looked down. "Remy will stay again if things get too hard for you," she supposed.
"I know he can't keep doin' that..." Belle sighed as she started loading the dishwasher, "it's time he wen' on his own way."
"But how will you manage financially?"
"The baby is doin' well now, the hospital bills aren't as extreme – mostly just checkups," Belle stopped loading the dishwasher, "we'll figure the rest out. It's not Remy's problem or yours. We have to stand on our own feet...we can't keep relyin' on my ex to bail us out. I don' wan' be reliant on my ex f' the res' o' my life, chere. Henri is already resen'ful enough f' what we had t' accep' 'cause o' Jean-Luc."
"Henri resented it?" Rogue was surprised.
"For a while," Belle sighed. "Remy was my ex since we was teenagers...my firs' love...an' he was comin' in constantly savin' the day wit' extra money. 'Course he was resen'ful, she scoffed. "It's caused so many figh's. After the baby's surgery in February, Henri was in a psychiatric centre f' a mont'...he got so paranoid 'cause me an' Remy was alone at the house a lot..."
Rogue supposed she'd be paranoid about the same thing. Up until now she'd not considered the possibility much because she'd seen how much Belle and Henri seemed to love each other.
"Nothin happened," Belle continued, "but he was so convinced somethin' migh'. That we'd end up screwin' around or somethin'. When he got back he was suspicious. Him an' Remy even fough' over it a few times as brothers are apt t' do. He was relieved when Remy decided to go back t' New York. We bot' was. We need our space...and so does Remy. Time he wen' and lived his own life...he's earned it."
Rogue couldn't agree more.
Remy had decided at some time later that afternoon that he had wanted to go see Jean-Luc's body. Rogue had winced when he'd announced it but she understood the necessity. He had to see it for himself, say his goodbyes and get some resolution. And so, she'd gone with him to the morgue in the city, where Jean-Luc's body had been taken for autopsy. As of yet, the autopsy hadn't been performed.
Rogue had been surprised when Remy had told her he wanted her to wait in the car outside while he went in alone. She'd thought he'd wanted her there, but in the end, she felt damn thankful he hadn't taken her. She hadn't wanted to see Jean-Luc like that...they hadn't been close but she would rather remember him as he had been, and not as a grey faced lifeless shape on a table.
She sat surfing Youtube on her phone for a while, trying to distract herself, watching the videos that usually helped cheer her up, helped take her mind off of the things that bothered her, but today, nothing was helping. She wished even for a short while she could switch off from what was happening, could get the tension away from her neck and shoulders, but it was useless. All she could think about was Remy and how hurt she was for him.
When Remy returned back to the car after about fifty-three minutes, he looked puffy eyed; she was certain he'd been crying but she didn't press him on it. She didn't want to let him know she knew he'd been crying. She was sure he'd be too ashamed, that it'd hurt his ego, she wanted to spare him that.
Rogue sat in the passengers seat, staring at the dashboard, "what now?" she asked, not knowing what else to say.
"Coroner gon' have an answer f' us t'morrow 'bout what happened...said the body gon' be released in a few days. We got an appoin'men' wit' a funeral home t'morrow af'ernoon t' make plans. Until then...ain' much we can do but wait," Remy said quietly.
Rogue groaned inwardly. The waiting for things to happen was more excruciating. She wanted this to be over, and she was sure Remy and his family did too.
"Do..." Rogue paused, "you wanna go for some lunch? You barely even ate breakfast," she worried.
"I don' know if I coul' eat anythin' righ' now," he said with a tired grunt, "but if y' feelin' hungry, we can fin' somewhere t' eat. I don' min'."
"Ah'm not hungry," she admitted. "Ah'm just thinkin' about you, sugar," she responded, and to try and make the effort to be more tactile, she reached out and put her hand on his thigh, giving it a gentle squeeze.
"Y' don' need t' worry 'bout me, cherie," Remy gave a deep sigh, staring through the windshield, his expression dull, tired. "Y' shoul' take the car, go back t' the house," he opened the car door, "I'm gon' go f' a walk. Clear my head."
"But-"
Before she'd even tried to form a sentence, he'd already gotten out of the car and left her, walking off in an opposite direction from where the car was parked. She watched him in the rear view mirror, feeling strangely dismissed and rejected right then.
It's okay, it's nothin' to do with you. He just needs time, that's all. He's never had someone close to him die before...he just...wants some space. It's normal, right? He's grievin'.
Just as she was about to get out of the car to call to him to ask how he'd get home, her phone in her pocket started to buzz. She'd forgotten about it being on silent since the plane ride the day before. Drawing a nervous breath, she fished it out of her pocket, finding that the number calling her was Logan's.
Fuck, she winced.
"Hey," she answered it.
"Where the hell are you?" Logan immediately demanded, "Been lookin' all over the place for you. Gumbo nowhere to be seen either."
Rogue closed her eyes and took a breath, "Louisiana..."
"What?" Logan demanded, "without even clearin' it with the Professor? Rogue, you had a class to teach this mornin' and you were a no-show. I had to cover for you."
"Didn't have time to run things through – had to catch the first flight out," she tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear.
"What the hell is goin' on?"
Rogue sighed. "Personal business."
"I'm gonna need somethin' more solid than that," Logan remarked. "You shirked your responsibilities – that ain't like you."
"Personal business," she said again. "That's what you always give as your excuse when you run off on some stupid adventure of your own."
"When I run off, I always tell someone I'm goin'. You didn't even leave a note."
Rogue frowned at the dashboard, "sorry."
"When you think you'll be back?" Logan asked.
Rogue shook her head at herself, she didn't even have an answer. "At this point...Ah...don't know."
"You don't know?" Logan snorted.
Rogue looked into the rear view mirror to see where Remy was moving off to, but to her disappointment, he'd already vanished from sight, and she banged her head frustratedly against the headrest of the seat. Fuck. "Logan, Ah need to go."
"Rogue-" he started.
"Ah'll call you later...Ah promise," she said, and she quickly hung up and started going through her contact list. She needed to call Remy to find out where he was going and how he was planning on getting back to Bloodmoon without the car. Did he even have money or his bank cards so he could get a cab?
As she started to ring his number, she heard a buzzing sound to her left and she turned, groaning as she realised his phone was sitting right there on his seat. A photo of her face lit the screen up, the name he'd given her in his contacts was Ma Amour.
He'd left his phone and she realised it had probably been an act of deliberation.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
She drove around the area for a while looking for him, but had little success in finding him. Remy knew the area far too well and she didn't. None of it was sparking from residual memories of his she'd barely had flickers of. After feeling like she was just going in circles looking for him, she decided to drive back to Bloodmoon, to the LeBeau house.
Lookin' for him would be so much easier if Ah could fly, she thought unhappily as she'd parked next to Bella Donna's Fiat 500. Taking Remy's phone with her, she went inside. Immediately she was met with the sounds of various voices she didn't know, and the smell of freshly baked cakes and brewed coffee. She moved quietly down the hallway to gaze through the open archway into the living room where there were several men and a few women she didn't remotely recognise. Henri was there, sitting on an armchair, his head low, nodding as he was listening to someone talking about something. There were too many voices though to make out exactly what was being said.
She felt a hand upon her shoulder and she jumped a little, turning to see Belle there. Belle inclined her head towards the kitchen and Rogue followed her.
The kitchen smelled strongly of so many different baked things, and Rogue saw an array of different cakes on the breakfast table, everything from muffins to crunch cake.
"LeBeau family are over to discuss what should happen with the guild," Belle said to her softly as she pushed the kitchen door shut to drown out the sound of the voices.
Rogue spotted little Kennedy sitting at a high chair, her chubby little hands slapping at the tray in front of her, she made a gurgling noise, her huge turquoise eyes glancing between her mother and Rogue.
"Could you feed her while I take care care of these cookies?" Belle asked.
"Feed her?" Rogue asked, blinking, "Ah've never-"
Belle brought over a bright pink plastic bowl with a matching spoon and put it in Rogue's open hand, "It's not difficult," she promised, then rushed over to the oven.
Rogue grimaced, whatever was in the bowl didn't look all that appetising. "What is this?"
"Pumpkin oatmeal," she smirked.
Rogue sat down, put Remy's phone aside on the table and she picked up the spoon, "Belle, what if Ah-"
"You can hardly hurt her with gloves on. Just do me this solid, I've got all these people to cater for and Henri is no help righ' now, not that I'd expec' him t' be," she supposed. "Please?"
Silently agreeing, Rogue got a little of the orange puree on the spoon and held it towards the baby's mouth, the baby held her mouth open, eyes wide like saucers and she accepted the spoonful, although some of it started spilling out of the sides of her mouth.
Rogue lightly scraped the spillage with the spoon, trying to get it back in little Kennedy's mouth, "she looks so much like you," she admitted.
"She's got my eyes, and her daddy's bad gas," Belle chuckled as she put some oven gloves on and drew a baking sheet out of the oven; the smell of chocolate chip cookies was thick in the air. "Where's your better half?" she glanced around suddenly, seeming to realise there was no sign of Remy.
"He bailed on me outside the morgue..." Rogue grumbled. "He said he was gonna take a walk to clear his head...disappeared fast. Ah tried to call him, figure out how he'd get home but..." she gestured to Remy's phone.
Belle sighed, "he'll turn up when he's ready."
"Has he ever done this before?" Rogue asked as she put another spoonful into the baby's mouth.
"A few times...when he was younger. When him and Jean-Luc woul' fight. He used t' run away a lot...we never figured where he wen'. When he was ready, he'd come back, never said any more 'bout it. Henri did this too – when Kennedy was sick."
"Ah remember..." Rogue nodded, she picked up the edge of the baby's bib and wiped her chin off, gazing into the baby's sweet angelic face.
"You...got a look into his head, right?" Belle asked, turning to Rogue.
"Yeah..." Rogue nodded, glancing briefly to the blonde. "Just a little..."
"Did you ever figure out where he wen' when we coul'n' fin' him?" Belle looked hopeful.
Rogue shook her head, "it was never clear. When Ah absorb people, Ah see...flashes, it's never exact. Mostly, the things goin' through their mind at that moment...they're what Ah get a barrage of. It's real hard to try to pick out what Ah want out of things Ah see, to try and weed the right things out, you know..." she shrugged and she spooned more food to the baby's open mouth.
"What's it like, seein' other peoples thoughts?"
"Like watchin' a movie trailer...stuff comin' out of nowhere with no context. Except...you have this...other consciousness, you know? Like you become that person for a few moments, and you understand their feelin's..." she supposed. "When Ah absorbed Henri..." she turned to look at Belle, "Ah saw how much he was scared for the baby...saw into your relationship with him..." she paused. "Can Ah ask somethin'?"
"Sure," Belle shrugged.
"How come your folks betrothed you and Remy and not you and Henri? Henri is his real son...it'd have made more sense..."
"You don't know?" Belle tilted her head.
Rogue shook her head, "Remy wasn't very...forthcomin' about the details about the arrangement."
"Henri is seven years older than me an' Remy," Belle chuckled.
"Wait, what?" Rogue accidentally smeared food across the baby's cheek in her surprise as she turned to gaze at Belle. She quickly dabbed at the baby's cheek and continued to feed her.
"Yeah..." Belle finished transferring the cookies. "My momma woul'n' entertain the idea o' me bein' betrothed t' someone who'd be a man by the time I was startin' t' have periods. Said that might'a been the way they did things back in the olden days but no daughter o' hers was gon' belong t' an ol'er man..." she chuckled. "Ironically...it ended up that way anyway. Like you said...made more sense. I had to wait to grow up enough for him to finally ask me out."
"No wonder Henri was ready to settle down and Remy was out playin' the field," Rogue supposed.
"It worked out well," Belle smiled. "Remy...he'll always be my firs' love but...Henri is my soulmate. And that makes it much stronger a love..." Belle explained. "You had someone before Remy?" she asked softly.
Rogue shook her head, "Not really. Ah've never really had anyone. My powers got in the way."
"But you've loved before," Belle seemed to realise.
"Ah think so. A boy Ah've known for a long time...but...Ah wasn't the one..." she sighed, she dabbed at the baby's chin again before giving her another spoonful, which was refused.
"Wasn't meant to be then," Belle decided. "Hones'ly, I think firs' loves are there t' teach y' how t' love, t' teach y' about passion an' hurt...soulmates are there t' endure it all wit'."
Rogue tried again with the spoon.
"Y' Remy's soulmate," Belle decided. "Every time I see him look at you I see it in his eyes...this...look he never had f' me...f' any woman he ever looked at. You're it. He's been on this road thinkin' he was always supposed t' go nowhere in particular an' he's got t' the destination he was meant t' be at."
"You really think so?" Rogue asked softly.
"I know so."
Rogue felt her cheeks flush a little at that thought.
Kennedy smacked the spoon away from her mouth, getting frustrated with the feeding, she let out a high pitched squeal and Rogue felt the food splatter against her cheek.
"Now is that any way to be treatin' Auntie Rogue?" Belle sighed with a soft laugh as she moved over and picked the infant out of the high chair.
Rogue wiped the food from her cheek as she gazed up at Belle. Auntie? She wondered. When did we agree on that? Rogue looked down at Remy's phone wishing that he had at least taken the damn thing with him. She gave a sigh, wishing she knew where to begin in getting in touch with him.
"He'll turn up, chere. He always does," Belle promised. "In the mean time, just got to wait."
Rogue felt deeply uncomfortable being around the LeBeau house while so many family members were visiting. Belle introduced her to Remy's cousins, who seemed somewhat thrown by her presence and an aunt who had seemed fairly surprised that Remy had actually taken up with anyone. It felt...strange, being there without Remy. She felt almost as if she'd been thrown to the wolves, and she was starting to wonder if perhaps Remy hadn't wanted to come home because he'd known family members were going to show up and he didn't want to be under so much scrutiny right now.
While the family members were sitting discussing Jean-Luc, Rogue slipped away quietly, hoping that Belle wouldn't mind if she decided to take off for a little while and escape. It was too overwhelming being there, having Remy's family both grieving and occasionally giving her looks as if to question what it was Remy could possibly see in her, sizing her up, probably - in her opinion - comparing her to Bella Donna in every single way.
Ah'm not his type, just like Belle said last year, Rogue recalled as she sat in the car parked not far from a scenic spot. She took some time for herself just to try and catch herself and breathe but still felt that heaviness in her chest.
It felt wrong almost...she wasn't sure what she was feeling. She understood it couldn't quite be grief because she'd barely known Jean-Luc. She'd seen him a handful of times, shared a couple of meals with him but other than this, had known very little of him. She didn't know him well enough to feel grief. But at the same time, the weight of his death was on her.
It's for Remy, she supposed. Somewhere deep inside of her, she understood that what she was feeling was the hurting for him...hurting because she felt so helpless to comfort him...felt so useless and somewhat redundant just sitting there while he was only god knows where.
After driving around for a while, having a few cups of coffee in town, she returned back to the LeBeau house. It was almost dinner time, and the guests had long since left, Belle was in the kitchen cooking dinner even though Rogue realised the woman probably knew no one even felt like properly eating.
"Has Remy turned up?" Rogue asked hopefully as she put the rental car keys on the counter by the door as she entered the kitchen.
Belle shook her head, "Nope. Haven't heard anythin' either. Asked his cousin to keep an eye out for him when heads back t' N'awlins," she stirred whatever was in the pot.
"What you makin'?" Rogue asked as she removed her jacket.
"Gumbo. Thought the boys could do with some comfort food, though I doubt they'll even be hungry," Belle sighed. "Henri went back to bed after his family left. All he wants to do right now is sleep..." she sighed. "I hate how grief just takes it out of you..."
"You look pretty exhausted yourself," Rogue admitted.
Belle shrugged, "I am, but someone has to hold the fort here," she pointed out. "Once you have a baby, you don't get to sleep for years," she smirked a little then rolled her eyes, "I knew that before I got pregnant but I didn't think it'd be this intense. Since she started teethin' it's been a nightmare..." Belle shook her head, "You'd think with all the stuff science can do nowadays somethin' woul' have been invented that can numb a baby's teethin' pain right in it's tracks...but the best I can do is give her chilled stuff to bite on and hope that it'll soothe her."
Rogue moved to the kitchen table and sat down, she realised Remy's phone was still sitting there and she drew it towards herself. "Why didn't he take this?" she wondered as she lifted it. As she lifted it, she realised the lock screen had the photo of him and herself from Christmas. She looked so uncomfortable in the photo, and she wished he'd at least chosen something better.
Not like we've been in many photos together, she supposed.
"You really can't think of anywhere he'd be?" Rogue asked quietly.
Belle gave the pot another stir then she came over to the table and sat down, "If he's in the city, he could be anywhere. He has a ton of haunts...could be anywhere from an underground poker place to a jazz bar to a strip club...anywhere that'll take his mind off of what's goin' on."
Rogue sighed. The thought of Remy being at a strip club didn't sit well with her but she supposed she'd rather him be somewhere he might be distracted than be at home feeling the heaviness of grief pushing on him.
"Maybe Ah should go back out and look for him."
"You wouldn't even know where to begin," Belle sighed, "give him space, chere, he'll turn up."
"Ah just feel so helpless..."
"I know," Belle squeezed Rogue's arm, "I'm the same. I'm runnin' around jus'...tryin' to fill my time bakin' sweets and a Gumbo that no one will probably even eat. I jus'...feel like I have to stay occupied somehow."
"Ah don't even have anythin' to occupy myself with," Rogue pointed out, "Ah don't know what to do with myself here. Ah don't fit here..."
"Course you do. You're practically family now," Belle scoffed.
Rogue gazed over to where Kennedy was crawling around in a small hexagonal playpen on the other side of the large kitchen, a plastic ball clutched in her tiny fingers, her golden girls slightly damp from sweat.
"I think she senses it, you know," Belle spoke up.
"Hmm?"
"That somethin' ain' right here. That there's an atmosphere..."
Kennedy lifted the large plastic ball to her mouth and tried to bite upon it, her huge clear eyes glancing around absently.
"I don't know if she's realised that her grandpa is gone yet," Belle confessed, "but she senses somethin' is wrong."
"You think babies can pick up on that stuff?"
Belle went to the playpen and leaned over to lift Kennedy out of it, "You'd be surprised how sensitive they are to what's goin' on around them," she sat down cornerwise to Rogue, bouncing the child on her knee, "kids are so open to everythin'. They ain' been tainted by how horrible an' dark the world is yet...they don' understan' what we say prop'ly yet...they measure our voices, our expressions...the atmosphere 'roun' us..."
Kennedy threw the slobbery ball at Rogue with a high pitched "Ba!" and Rogue barely caught it, glad of the gloves that separated her fingers from the abundance of drool on the plastic.
Belle chuckled softly, "think she's tryin' to say ball..." she swept the baby's golden curls from her forehead and kissed her tiny head.
Kennedy lurched forward towards Rogue, "ba!" she said again.
Rogue held the ball towards her, "ball," she forced a smile.
The infant smacked the ball away, Rogue heard it bouncing away on the tile floor.
Belle glanced at the clock that was mounted above the fridge, "guess she's gettin' hungry..." she supposed.
Rogue was about to ask if she wanted her to fetch some baby food or something for the baby, since she'd seen her eating solids earlier, but instead, Belle lifted her shirt up, pried on the front of her bra and popped her left breast out so casually that it threw Rogue completely.
Rogue averted her eyes. Jesus, she thought, having caught a brief glance at how swollen the blonde's breast was and how obscenely large her nipple had seemed in comparison to what she remembered from having seen her and Henri making love only last October.
"The sooner I get her weaned off the tit, the better," Belle sighed. "She's still so fussy when it comes to the solids."
"Uh huh," Rogue responded, not knowing what else to say. She got up and moved to the stove and she stirred the gumbo so she could seem purposeful and not embarrassed about the fact that Belle had just exposed herself to her right at the table.
It's her house, she can do what she likes. Ah get it, this is natural, there's nothin' wrong with it, she tried to tell herself.
"Somethin' wrong?" Belle asked.
Rogue shook her head and stirred the gumbo slowly, gazing down into the pot. It looked – and smelled – delicious.
"You've gone all red, chere, and for someone as pale as you, that's quite somethin'," Belle smirked.
"It's just hot in here. Ah forgot how hot it gets down in the South at this time of year. Ah've been up North for so long..."
"Uh huh," Belle responded, and Rogue glanced over her shoulder at her, still seeing that smirk playing about her lips.
It's natural, stop actin' like an embarrassed kid, just sit down and act like a fucking adult, Rogue told herself. She gave the gumbo one last stir, then returned to the table and sat down, trying to keep herself focused from letting her eyes be drawn anywhere but to Belle's engorged left breast.
"Ain't you ever seen a woman breastfeed before?" Belle queried, recognising the issue.
Rogue shrugged, "Not...in person," she supposed, "Ah mean, Ah've seen women with babies but...they always have like...a scarf or somethin' over them...Ah've never seen some just...you know..." she looked away, trying to fight her embarrassment, "whip it out like that."
"It's normal, you know."
"Ah know," Rogue sighed, "Maybe it's just...me bein' me."
"What'd you mean?" Belle asked, cradling her daughter, the infant suckling, making noise.
"Hard to explain," Rogue supposed.
"You're repressed," Belle supposed, "'cause o' your powers."
Rogue had never properly considered it this way, but she supposed she couldn't really argue the assessment.
"It's not like you don't have them," Belle pointed out. "Only yours probably aren't as swollen with chapped nips," she chuckled. "I'd kill to have yours...they're so...perky," Belle gazed down at Rogue's breasts thoughtfully. "I get why Remy likes them so much."
"Did he tell you that?" Rogue felt a little appalled at the idea Remy might have said that to Belle...or Henri for that matter.
"No...but I caught him lookin' enough times when y'all were here," Belle laughed softly, "he's always been into tits...ever since he was fourteen...he used to be so damn rough with mine...like he was tryin' to tune a goddamn longwave radio. Surprised they never came off."
Rogue winced at the thought. She wasn't sure what was worse, the thought of Remy being rough like that, or the thought of him being with Belle, touching Belle in ways he'd touched her.
"Sorry," Belle looked down at her daughter, her expression regretful, "You probably don't want to know about that. Must be...hard, havin' to hang out with the girl your man lost his virginity to."
She studied the blonde, "you were his first?"
"Oh yeah, and he was mine, too," Belle stroked the baby's hair from her forehead tenderly as she suckled. "He never told you?"
"Never."
"Well...It wasn' anythin' t' write home about I guess. It was...pretty...anti-climactic, actually."
"It was?" Rogue asked, tilting her head.
"Yeah..." Belle scoffed, "we stole a bottle o' my daddy's gin and we got so wasted. We wen' down by the creek and we got hot an' heavy...but it wen' real downhill from there. He couldn' get it in, I was cryin' 'cause it hurt so bad. It was a nightmare...in the end we gave up. Was another four mont's 'fore we even tried again."
Rogue stared into space, "always thought the first time was supposed to be special," she said quietly.
"You're lucky if it is," Belle muttered, "every girl Ah've ever known has had a real bad firs' time."
Rogue leaned on the table, "so...he...wasn't always that...good at it, then?"
"You're kiddin'..." Belle's laugh tinkled, "he was so awkward. All red faced and fingers and thumbs...he was cute but...it was just terrible. It didn't start gettin' good until...way, way later."
The memory of Christmas eve came back to haunt her again, the thought of Remy's drunken frustration, her inability to accommodate him in the end. She felt foolish right then, hearing Belle admit that her first time had been almost the same. She wondered how she'd have taken if it if he'd told her on Christmas morning how badly his first time with Bella Donna had been...how it hadn't worked for her either the first time.
God, did Ah overreact? she wondered guiltily.
"It takes work for things to get good...everythin' in a relationship does," Belle explained.
Rogue rubbed the back of her neck, she felt tense and exhausted, "Ah think Ah'm gonna go take a nap," she sighed, "Ah'm real tired. Ah slept in a weird position last night and my neck and shoulders ain't stopped hurtin' since."
Belle gave a nod, "you wan' me t' wake y' if anythin' about Remy come up?"
"Yeah, Ah'd really appreciate that."
Rogue slept through dinner, and she awoke being stirred by movement at her back, and bleary eyed, she gazed to the LED clock by the bed to see the time was almost one in the morning. She gave a little groan at being disturbed, momentarily having forgotten where she was and that Remy had been gone for hours. She felt his mouth pressing against the back of her shoulder, and his body pushing up against her, his excitement was obvious at it pressed into her backside.
The smell of alcohol was strong on him, he smelled of beer, strong spirits and cigarettes. Despite the answer seeming to be obvious to her, she muttered the words, "where you been all night?"
He didn't answer her, instead continuing to roll his body against hers with a definite sense of urgency, his hands weaving through her arms and groping her breasts.
She didn't understand how someone grieving could even think of sex right now; part of her wanted to push him away, tell him it wasn't an appropriate time to be screwing around but she couldn't find her voice to do it. He was normally more focused on her pleasure as well as his own but tonight was different, he seemed entirely focused on just trying to get some kind of release. She winced at how hard he was gripping her breasts, his movements and hands were clumsier than normal.
"You're hurtin' me..." she gasped.
"Need y'..." he grunted near her ear.
She pried his hands from her breasts, weaving her fingers through his to keep him from being so handsy. She opted to accommodate his need in the circumstances, feeling it'd be better to let him quickly get what he needed; she closed her eyes and rolled her backside back against him, listening to the sounds of his heavy breathing as he got off by grinding himself hastily, clumsily and desperately into her. He gave a slight sudden shudder at her back, and then he was still, a soft sigh escaping his lips. She lay there clutching his hands, listening to his breathing slow, then the sound of a gentle snore some moments later.
The entire encounter felt odd but she fought the urge to complain to herself about it or judge it right now and let herself settle again, exhaustion pulling her. She released his hands and moved away from him, feeling the heat between them in the bed during this uncomfortably hot night getting a little too much for her.
She'd slept deeply for a time, until the sound of loud retching caught her and brought her out of it. As she opened her eyes, she saw it was five am on the clock, and warm morning sun was already spilling through the open drapes at the window on the other side of the room. She sat up, feeling groggy, the smell of vomit immediately caught her and she turned, realising he was sitting up in bed and had just vomited all over the sheets.
Fuck, she thought.
Remy let out another loud retch; the sound of his vomiting was incredibly loud, and he was gasping in between the waves, making sounds as he tried to catch his breath and recover from it. She remembered that feeling herself from barely less than a week ago.
He didn't chastise me for gettin' sick after too much booze, she reminded herself. He didn't complain once. She held her breath at the foul odour of the vomit, she glanced down seeing the pool of it between his parted legs right there on the sheets, brown and disgusting, starting to seep into the cotton.
Her stomach churned, she felt nausea rise in her own throat but had to swallow it back. No. She refused to let herself be sick right now.
She gazed up as the bedroom door opened, and she saw a puffy eyed Bella Donna standing there, hair mussed, her pyjamas creased from the position she'd been lying in.
"Heard him..." Belle said, clearly having been awakened by the loud sound of his being sick.
Rogue lightly put a hand on Remy's back as he leaned forward, another burst of vomit escaping. She felt so damn helpless right now.
After he pulled himself together enough to stop vomiting and was working on breathing the rest of it out, Belle took charge, bunching the top sheets up quickly and yanking them into the plastic bin that usually sat under his desk. She left the room to – Rogue assumed – go put the thing immediately in the wash as Remy sat there, still trying to catch his breath, his face was uncannily pale – almost green – and he was clammy, his eyes looked puffy, and she noted there was a definite bruise forming on the left side of his cheek. She wondered if he'd fallen in his drunkenness or been in a fight.
The vomit was all over his long-sleeved t-shirt, the smell was so damn foul, the bitter acidic smell had mixed with that of spirits and beer and Rogue had to hold her breath. She got up out of the bed, needing a moment to get away from the smell, and she went to the bathroom to run the shower. As she stood there trying to get the temperature fair enough for him, she heard voices in the bedroom just barely through the sound of the running water, and she moved through the door, gazing through into the room, Remy was sitting at the edge of the bed now sobbing against Bella Donna's breasts, mumbling something against her pyjama top.
Belle murmured the words, "I know," quietly to him, her eyes lifting to see Rogue at the door. Rogue felt that sense of helplessness bite her again. The man – her man – was hurting and she didn't know the first thing about taking care of him. Belle seemed to be so natural at this and she could do nothing but stand and watch.
"Lets get you showered, okay?" Belle lifted Remy's head from her, she wiped his face with her thumbs, "c'mon."
Remy gave a weak nod and let her pull him up; he was clumsy, staggering. Rogue was surprised it seemed he was still somewhat drunk. She hadn't realised he'd brought a bottle of bourbon back with him, and it was sitting on the cabinet by his side of the bed on it's side, most of the contents of the bottle had been drained and Rogue felt a jolt of worry. Had it been a full bottle to start with or had that come from the drinks cabinet downstairs?
She got up and helped Belle to the bathroom with him. He felt heavier than usual. She caught the look on Belle's face as they started peeling off his clothes; there was vomit on his shirt, the tanktop beneath and on his cargo pants. Rogue was certain Belle had noticed there was semen in his underwear – the evidence of his early morning emission with her when he'd first gotten home - but if she had, she said not a word about it and just helped get him into the old fashioned bathtub beneath the shower head.
Remy sat down in the bath, knees up, hunched over, and Rogue stared down at him, he looked so pitiful, sitting there naked in the tub, pale, slightly trembling, his hair getting soaked by the shower, falling into his face.
Belle looked at Rogue, "can y' handle this from here?" she asked quietly, a look of concern furrowing her brow.
Rogue nodded.
"I'll go change that beddin' before the puke seeps through any more," Belle announced, "You'll find gloves in that cabinet under there..." she gestured to a cabinet in the corner, and then, without another word, she left the bedroom.
Rogue moved to the cabinet to find a box of latex gloves that she supposed the blonde used for when she was bleaching the bathroom and cleaning the toilet out. She changed her cotton gloves for the latex ones and went to Remy. She crouched by the bath.
"You okay, sugar?" she asked of Remy, but he was just staring ahead into the overflow drain at the head of the bath, his expression dull.
Course he's not okay. He's grievin' and he just puked his guts up. Askin' is stupid, she rolled her eyes at herself. She picked up the bottle of shower gel that had clearly been left over since his last residency here, and she squirted some onto the wash cloth that had been hanging on the hose for the shower. She lightly scrubbed at his skin, the act of doing it felt so new to her; she'd never really had to take care of anyone like this before and it felt awkward. While he'd certainly had his experience of touching her body in every nook and cranny at least once, she'd only ever had little experience of touching him, and even the innocent act of washing him still felt strangely inappropriate to her.
That'll go away with time, she tried to tell herself as she washed his back lightly, deciding to start there and work her way around so she had time to let herself adjust. She hated that she felt selfish for needing time to adjust to this.
When we were undressin' him, Belle took charge, she was so great, she knows what she's doin'...Ah feel like Ah'm in the dark, Rogue thought unhappily.
Remy didn't say a word while she washed him; she wondered if he felt humiliated having to be almost babied in this way.
Rogue couldn't deny she felt a sense of deep hurt seeing him like this. Only forty-eight hours before things had felt so happy. She was starting to feel like she was meant to experience nothing but tragedy.
This isn't about you, she tried to tell herself. He needs you to be the strong one right now, he's hurtin' bad. Just take care of him like he took care of you when you've been sick.
As she washed his hair, she found herself thinking about how different her life had become in just ten months, even when Remy had been absent for large parts of that time, she felt he'd changed her more than she'd realised. She wished she could tell him about the thoughts she was having, but she knew now wasn't the time nor place.
Switching the shower off, she went to retrieve a towel, "come on, sugar. Lets get you back to bed."
Remy gave a sigh, and he got out of the bath awkwardly, almost slipping, still evidently drunk. Rogue felt the sting of concern, wondering if he would be all right. She didn't now how much he'd drank and it worried her; she was reminded of the alcohol intoxicated death of Amy Winehouse, how all it'd taken was a binge after sobriety to kill the girl.
Getting a large bath sheet around him, Rogue directed him back to the bedroom, finding Belle had just finished changing the sheets on his bed. She looked a little flustered, tired and Rogue immediately felt guilty that the girl had been roused from slumber to deal with this on top of having a teething baby and a grieving husband. Remy sat at his side of the bed, his hair dripping around his shoulders.
"I'm gon' go finish this laundry," Belle picked up the laundry basket with all the changed sheets.
Rogue followed Belle to the door, and out into the hallway. "Ah'm sorry."
"What for?" Belle balanced the basket on her hip.
"For...this...Ah guess."
"Ain't your fault," the blonde gave a soft yawn, "I've done much as I'm capable o'. Much o' it is my place to...but it's your turn now."
"Ah don't know how to deal with this," Rogue admitted uncomfortably.
"Jus' be there f' him. He needs y' now. Y' the one he really wan'..." Belle squeezed her arm, "go."
Rogue nodded, "thanks, Belle."
As she returned to the room, Rogue found Remy had slipped beneath the fresh sheets, the towel had been discarded on the floor. She sighed, standing watching him as he lay there, eyes closed, face pale, jaw unshaven, his wet hair soaking the pillow case.
She went around the bed and got onto the mattress, settling above the covers, she touched his hair lightly, felt him flinch a little. "Ah love you, sugar," she murmured, not knowing what else to say to him, hoping that those words alone would be enough to just soothe him. He let out a soft shuddering sigh, but said nothing, and she sat there beside him until she recognised the sound of his sleeping, and then she lay by his side across the sheets, keeping her distance from his body despite the cotton between them deciding to keep watch upon him for the rest of the morning.
Remy slept almost the entire damn day; and Rogue hated feeling the sense of helplessness that there was little she could do during the time but glance through her phone to kill time. She didn't even want to watch some videos or movies on her phone for fear of disturbing him; she hadn't brought earbuds and even if she had, she didn't want to block any sound from him, fearful he may be sick again. She was afraid of him choking in his sleep, afraid she may miss his breathing stopping, and so, she simply lay silently scrolling websites on her phone for hours and hours, only leaving him to go to the bathroom.
Belle brought her some breakfast some time after nine am but she could barely eat. Belle checked upon Remy at that point, assuring her that he was fine, just sleeping the booze off.
Every half hour or so, Rogue would find herself gently laying her gloved hand upon Remy's back so she could feel for the movement of his breathing, feel the heat of his body through the thin cotton sheet. She hated herself for the paranoia of worrying that he may stop breathing, that she couldn't stop herself from constantly checking to make sure he was all right.
Ah've never been so afraid of losin' someone before, she realised as she sat up in bed, her knees pulled to her chest, gazing down at his sleeping form next to her.
It was almost five pm that Remy finally roused from his sleep, he looked incredibly puffy in the face and the bruise she'd noticed on his cheek earlier that morning had started to darken and the area had swollen around his left eye. He sat up in bed, reaching up to rub his forehead.
She turned towards him, tossing her phone aside, "How you feelin'?"
He let out nothing more than a grunt, and he got up out of the bed and headed for the bathroom in a tired groggy stagger, his body still naked; he was still rubbing his head, eyes blinking. She heard the sound of the toilet seat flipping up hard, the sound of him urinating and she winced, trying to block it out by singing to herself in her head. His bathroom did have a door but he rarely ever bothered to shut the damn thing.
She heard the sink running, despite the water pressure had been fixed some time ago, the bathroom faucets were still the original ones that squeaked whenever they were used. She heard splashing, the sound of him brushing his teeth – she assumed to get rid of the taste of vomit from his mouth.
He didn't even say a word to me, she thought dully. Ain't like him.
After a time, the splashing stopped, but Remy didn't return to the bedroom. She sat for a time, listening to the slightly leaky faucet dripping, the sound of Remy sniffing, a soft sigh.
Is he cryin'?
Part of her didn't want to interfere with that, didn't want to have to see him crying like he had that morning when she'd walked into the bedroom to see him clutching onto Belle and sobbing like a child, it had felt awkward. She didn't want to embarrass him.
Can't leave him like that, though. Belle said he needs me. Ah'm supposed to be there for him...
She got up slowly from the bed and started for the bathroom, taking her time getting there, making her footsteps a little heavier on the wooden floor, feeling like perhaps if she gave him enough time to know she was on her way he could try to pull himself together if he didn't want her seeing him crying.
Finally, she got to the door, and she gazed in; he was sitting naked on the edge of the bath tub, his head low, shoulders hunched and trembling, arms hanging between his open thighs, his hair was damp with sweat from the mid-May heat that had been stifling in the bedroom all night despite there'd been a fan running.
He was definitely crying, but his head was low enough and his hair obscuring the view of him that it was hidden, and she was sure it was deliberate. She lingered there at the door, wanting to go to him, to hold him, but at the same time not wanting to humiliate him.
She was sure he felt like he needed more time but she didn't want to just walk away and seem as if she was abandoning him. At the same time, she didn't want to ask if he wanted more time and make it more obvious she could tell he was crying.
"Do..." she started, she cleared her throat, "do you want me to go get you some coffee?"
He seemed to pause, he sniffled and he nodded without lifting his head, but he said not a thing to her.
She felt thankful he'd agreed to the offer, she left the bathroom and his room quickly, feeling an odd sense of relief just to be away from him for that moment. She felt so damn overwhelmed with so many emotions seeing him like this, she felt almost as empathic as when she touched people, like she could draw his emotions through the air. It was starting to affect her too...she understood now what Belle had meant about little Kennedy sensing the atmosphere. Rogue felt it too, and it was so thick and dense it could have been cut with a knife.
Belle and Henri were outside in the back garden area, Rogue spied them through the kitchen window sitting on the arbour bench with little Kennedy, getting some shade from the old oak that loomed above.
There was no coffee in the pot, so she had to go about making it, knowing by now where everything was in the kitchen and feeling at home enough now due to Belle's acceptance here. It took time to get the coffee brewing but she felt glad of the space to herself that this time had given her; she'd been with Remy since two am that morning, she'd barely left his side, it was now after five pm. She'd needed her own space, even if just to try and process things, regroup and think.
She was just finishing pouring the coffee when Belle appeared at the back door, the baby in her arms tugging on a lock of her long golden hair.
"Hey," Rogue said.
Belle approached, "Is he up?"
Rogue gave a nod, "Yeah, thought Ah'd take him some coffee. Is there any Advil for his head? He's still hungover."
Belle nodded to a cabinet above where the microwave was.
Rogue went to cabinet and opened the thing, gazing in at the various medications within. There were a lot of different things in there, she didn't see it, "You sure it's in here?"
"Probably way at the back," Henri is taller than me, he tends to push stuff to the back to find what he's lookin' for."
Rogue nodded and started digging around, knocking some bottles of pills out of the cabinet, them falling out. She bent down to pick up the two bottles that fell, one being the Advil she'd needed, the other she inadvertently read the label of without meaning to. Zoloft. At first it didn't register until she saw the name on the label. It wasn't Belle's. It wasn't Henri's. It wasn't even Jean-Luc's.
The prescription name said MR. Remy E. LeBeau.
Rogue lifted her eyes to Belle, and Belle looked down at her, her expression suddenly seemed guilty. "Uh..." she started, but she couldn't finish the sentence as she stood.
Belle sighed, "You weren't supposed to know about that..." she grimaced.
"Ah...wasn't?" she swallowed hard. "Why didn't he want me to know?"
"I told you he's deep, chere," Belle shook her head at herself as she walked towards the kitchen table and sat down. "Remy a real private person. He don' tell y' things less y' need t' know."
Rogue stared down at the prescription label, the refill date had been fairly recent...only a few weeks prior and it seemed to her the bottle was full. She wondered if two hundred milligrams was a high dose. "Is...he meant to be takin' these right now?"
"Yeah," Belle grunted, "thought he took 'em wit' him to New York when he lef' days ago."
Rogue chewed the inside of her cheek; she wondered if the way he'd been with her on the night of her birthday when he'd gotten so quickly mad had anything to do with him having not taken his medications with him. The next day he'd been moody too. She didn't know enough about medication to really understand. She'd always kept away from them herself, knowing that they wouldn't help with her own depression when most of her own was due to her powers, something that pills wouldn't help fix.
"How long has he been on these?" she asked softly.
Belle shrugged, "I firs' foun' out in November," she responded.
Why didn't Ah ever know about this? Ah've never seen pills near him before. Why didn't he just say he was on somethin'? Did he think Ah'd judge him?
Rogue sighed inwardly, "Ah'll make sure he takes it," she put them in her pocket.
The baby lunged towards Rogue again, her hands grabbing for Rogue's breasts and Rogue instinctively pulled away from her, not wanting to hurt the baby, not knowing how her powers might affect the child.
"She wants to go to you, wants to hug you."
Rogue felt a sting at the revelation of that, that Belle felt like her daughter wanted to be held by her. She couldn't...the risk was just too great. She wondered if she might ever be able to hold a baby...might ever be able to even have her own some day.
"She likes you," Belle turned the baby towards herself, patting her huge padded out backside.
"Ah...can't hold her...never..." Rogue looked away, "Ah could hurt her..."
"Maybe some day," Belle supposed. "It's important for kids to have aunts, you know."
"But...me and Remy aren't even-"
"Doesn't matter if it's not on paper, chere," Belle headed towards a cabinet to get something out of it. "You're family now. The fact he keeps bringin' you back here, it's practically common law for him," she chuckled. She paused, "oh..." she stopped and turned, her hand had a packet with some cartoon on it and the baby snatched it from her greedily, trying to bite on the packaging. "Let Remy know we spoke to the coroner this afternoon."
Rogue felt her stomach flip a little, "and?"
"Myocardial infarction," Belle responded, "which is a heart attack...that's what me an' Henri kin' o' though' it migh' have been. He'd been stressed a lot...had a toothache, pain in his jaw...we though' it was jus' 'cause o' his smokin' 'causin' his teet' t' shif' a lil'..." Belle gestured to her jaw. "Coroner said it was probably a symptom. Remy had told him to go to the dentist so many times and he jus' kep' ignorin' it. None o' us knew it was this bad..."
"Maybe you should tell him this..." Rogue suggested.
"I think it'd be better comin' from you, chere..." Belle admitted. "You're the one he needs."
Rogue went upstairs with the coffee and his prescription, sighing inwardly, her stomach in knots as she thought of how she'd have to gently tell him how his father had died. When she got to the room, Remy had gotten dressed, but his long sleeved shirt was inside out, and his jogging pants were creased and worn looking – the fabric had been pilling for some time. He was sitting sideways at his desk, his expression dull as he stared into space, his long delicate tapered fingers flipping a playing card idly with such skill and yet he didn't even seem to be aware of doing it.
She approached, putting the coffee down beside him. "Here," she said softly.
He lifted his eyes to hers, the skin beneath his eyes was puffy, pink and still slightly damp from tears, the swelling on the left of his cheekbone looked painful. Tenderly, Rogue reached out and gently swept the wetness from his right cheek with her gloved thumb hoping it wouldn't humiliate him that she'd seen the evidence of his tears.
He pulled her to him swiftly, drawing her onto his lap and pressing his head against her breasts, his arms pulling her so tightly to him it almost squeeze the air out of her. The position felt awkward as she straddled his thighs, the armrests of the chair digging into the top of her own. Carefully, she wrapped her arms around his neck, tilting her head away from him.
She felt an immediate ache of emotional pain course through her. She hated seeing him like this, and her eyes burned with tears. Seeing him hurting hurt her more than she'd ever imagined it would. She'd fought for years to be that strong young woman who never cried, and now all she felt like doing these past few days had been to cry out everything with him.
It's not your place to cry, she reminded herself as she stroked his hair.
They remained that way for some time, but her back was starting to hurt from the odd position and the chair felt like it wasn't going to support their combined weight for very long and so she disengaged herself from him, quickly wiping her eyes before he had the chance to see. She cleared her throat, composed herself, and she remembered the bottle of pills in her pocket. She drew them out and put them down on the desk right beside where that old laptop of his was sitting closed.
Remy's eyes followed her hand, his brow furrowed, then he looked away, an expression of disbelief and guilt building over his handsome but puffy face.
"When was the last time you took these?"
He didn't respond, but she saw the way he set his jaw, it was clear this was something he didn't want to discuss with her.
"Remy, if you're supposed to be on these..." she put a hand on his shoulder and shook him gently.
"I'm fine," he said, but the thickness of his voice said he wasn't.
"You're not though...you're sufferin'..."
Is it grief or depression? Is it both combined? Rogue wondered worriedly. She picked up the bottle and checked the prescription label, it said he was meant to take one daily. She opened the bottle and spilled one out, "here..." she held it towards him.
"I don' need it."
"Then why are you prescribed it?"
He looked away from her.
"How long has this been goin' on?"
He gave a weak shrug.
"Belle said it's been a while..."
"Belle need t' keep her mout' shut," he twisted the chair away from Rogue, leaning forward, rubbing his head.
"Why didn't you just tell me you were on anti-depressants?"
"S' my business, no one else's," he remarked.
"Were you on these at Christmas?" she asked, looking down at the single pill in her hand.
"No..."
"But...you were supposed to be," she realised.
"F' got t' take them wit' me...didn' wan' have t' try t' get prescription filled back in Bayville so...I wen' wit' out. I was fine."
"You weren't fine though," Rogue pointed out, "You've been all over the place since then."
Remy said nothing.
"Ah...thought the way you were after Christmas was my fault..." she confessed, "'cause Ah hurt you..." she sighed. "Was it? Or was it these?"
"I don' know," he remarked. "Ain' though' it over much. Really don' wan' discuss this righ' now."
Rogue turned the chair forcefully, "You were the one who wanted to be a couple," she pointed out. "You can't just ask me to be in a relationship with you and then expect me to drop this. This is stuff Ah should know..."
Remy sighed deeply, his eyes locked to the floor, dull and lifeless.
"Ah've never pressed you about your past, Remy..." she pointed out, "never asked you a whole lot about your relationship with Belle...or other women..." she swallowed hard. "Didn't even ask about the women you were with after Christmas..."
He pursed his lips, and she saw his eyes seem to get glassy.
"And that's...fine..." she supposed. "But...this?" she held the pill to him, "if there's somethin' wrong...Ah should know. Ah can't help you if Ah don't know about it..."
"I ain' askin' f' help."
"You think you get a say? Remy...you're..." she shook her head at him, "You're my soulmate," she remembered what Belle had said to her the day before.
He lifted his eyes to hers, she saw surprise in his expression.
"What hurts you...it hurts me...don't you get that? This..." she gestured to him, "the way you're feelin' right now...it's tearin' me up," she admitted, her eyes blurring with tears. "It's tearin' my soul up."
He leaned into her, his head against her ribs and she slid her hands down his back tenderly. She heard him give a sob and it broke her, she felt like every wall she'd ever put up in her life had started to crack and crumble, feelings spilling and flooding from every part. She'd never heard a man make a sound like that before; she'd always been around strong stoic men in her life, the Professor and Logan...they never showed emotion like this.
"Sssh, sugar..." she murmured, trying to keep herself from whimpering. "You're gonna get through this, okay?"
She hadn't had the chance to even tell him about Jean-Luc's cause of death. After he'd finished sobbing, he'd begrudgingly taken the pill and he'd gone back to bed, complaining of a splitting headache and dehydration. She'd left him by the bed with a few bottles of cold water and let him be alone to sleep off his hangover.
As she went downstairs, she found Belle snoozing on the couch in the living room, no sign of the baby anywhere. She went to the kitchen to pour herself some coffee, finding Henri there, he was playing with the baby at her high chair, but the expression in his warm brown eyes was dull, glazed, he looked pale, rough, as if he'd barely slept in days.
"Hey," she said, realising she could hear the exhaustion in her own voice as she moved to the coffee maker.
"How's Remy?" Henri asked quietly; it was the first thing he'd said to her since she'd arrived, she was sure.
"He's..." Rogue paused at the counter, staring at the coffee pot on it's hotplate, "Not...doin' too good..." she sighed.
"Oh."
"How...are you holdin' up?" she asked, glancing over her shoulder at him. She felt Henri was coping much better than Remy seemed to be; at least Henri still seemed to be functioning...he wasn't spending all his time in bed or staring at walls.
"Eh," was all he mumbled with a shrugged.
"You're doin' better than Remy is," she supposed as she poured herself a coffee.
"Ain' no choice 'bout that. Got a baby...got things t' sor' out. Remy's always been able t' run away from responsibilities. I don' got that choice, Rogue. I got a wife, a baby...an' now a fuckin' guild t' run."
Rogue didn't really know how to respond to this so she tried to change the subject a little "do...you want some coffee?"
"I'm so full o' it my back teet' are swimmin'," he responded.
"Have you eaten dinner?" she leaned on the counter. She supposed she could try to be helpful and cook...do something.
"Had some o' Belle's gumbo. Ain' the same when it's microwaved but it filled a hole."
"Remy hasn't eaten since yesterday..." Rogue sighed as she lifted her black coffee to her lips. She normally preferred it with milk and sugar but she decided to forgo it on this occasion, feeling the less diluted it was, the more it'd wake her up a little and make her feel a little more present. She came over to the table and sat down at the coffee table, watching him playing with the baby, making a small bumble bee plushy dance for her. "Ah...found out about the Zoloft..." she said quietly.
Henri was quiet, "tol' us t' not say."
"Why didn't he want me to know?"
"Y' woul' have seen him differen'. An' you do now that y' know he ain' as perfec' as he always wanted y' t' think he was. Seein' a person at their mos' vulnerable changes everythin' 'bout y' relationship."
Rogue remembered seeing into Henri's mind when the baby was possibly dying, the fear in him, the depression, the breakdown.
"We LeBeau men...we wan' our women t' see us strong...independen'...not..." he shook his head, "cryin' an' breakin' down like chil'ren. S'...humiliatin'."
"If you can't break down with the person you love, who can you break down with?" she asked.
Henri turned to look at her, "y' won' ever see him the same way when all this is done, y' know. Things changed a lot 'tween me an' Belle after the baby came...all the chaos tryin' t' keep things t'gether while she withered. It weren' easy."
"She loves you," Rogue said. "Ah see it in her eyes every time she looks at you..."
Henri shook his head, "Remy was always her firs' love. I was jus' the one she settled for."
Rogue remembered the argument with Remy right at that moment, when Remy had accused her of the same thing...of loving Scott, of settling for him. But what came to her for the second time that day was what Belle had said to her. "Remy was her first love, Henri. But you're her soulmate," Rogue spoke up, "she told me that..."
Henri looked at Rogue, his brown eyes boring into her as if he were trying to look for a lie. He gave something of a snort, "she's never said that t' me," he responded.
"Maybe not in words," Rogue supposed, she leaned back in her chair with her mug in both her hands.
The baby let out a squeal of delight as Henri made the plushy toy dance some more.
"We got an appoin'men wit' the funeral home t'morrow at ten am. Think y' can get him t' pull himself t'gether enough t' be there?"
Rogue sighed inwardly, "Ah'll try my best."
End of Part Thirteen
