Freezer-Burn
Because Fridge-ing a girlfriend is an awful trope. And tribute to Terrible Writing Advice. I get all my terrible writing ideas there.
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Tuesday. Early.
Harry Potter got up in the morning like everyone else. Put his silk boxers, his silk under-armour on then pulled on his uniform trousers and jacket, and clipped up his heavy, Auror issue dragonhide boots. He didn't bother doing up the jacket, and had stopped feeling self-conscious about silk underwear and under-armour. The sweat and chafing of you tried to wear normal clothes under Auror issue just wasn't worth it. The issue cloak went on second-to-last, then the badge. Shiny, brass, number 177 H. POTTER. He'd … mostly earned it, though with the end of the war, he never did do the three-year long training course.
He eyed his devil-may-care reflection in the bathroom mirror, and gave the mirror a good-hard rap with his wand. His real reflection looked tired, and his hair was an insult to bird-nests.
He wiped his face off with a damp flannel, cleaned his teeth, and chewed a tooth-flossing string-mint as he sauntered slowly down the stairs of number twelve, Grimmauld place. Or 'the shithole you can afford,' as he liked to think of it.
Goblins apparently didn't do forgiveness. It was, according to the bloke from the Goblin Liaison Office, against their religion, or something.
Down in the kitchen, the stove had the room warm, and he was glad he didn't have his jacket done up. He made tea, and went to get milk out of the fridge.
There'd been some 'cold room' thing, but like a lot of Grimmauld place it had sort of faded to almost working. Hermione had gone out and come back with a double-door fridge freezer, and solved the puzzle of electricity by cutting a hole in the party-wall to number eleven and swiping power from them. The people who lived there were arseholes, always throwing broken bottles round, so Harry didn't feel guilty. And Hermione clearly thought it was okay. Harry often avoided thinking about Hermione's moral compass or lack thereof. She was on the side of good, that's what mattered.
And after a week of hitting Ron for playing with the fridge door just to see the light go on and off, everyone except Kreacher was happy. Kreacher was never happy, so Harry sort of ignored that.
He opened the fridge to find some milk. And… there wasn't any. Which was almost certainly Ron.
Harry had a secret though. As a wizard, he could defy the laws of physics, and keep milk in the freezer, as long as he remembered to cast an unbreakable charm on it before letting it freeze.
Harry Potter opened the door to his freezer, and a quite probably dead blonde witch in robes fell out. She was frozen solid and covered in icicles. And behind her was another witch… who looked a lot like Susan Bones. Only deader. Harry pulled Susan out of his Freezer, and eyed two, good-looking, dead witches on the floor. Hunched up, or folded into the freezer, depending on how depressed you wanted to be. If he'd been barefoot the cold coming off them would have made his feet cold.
Harry didn't, fortunately, remember having a long loving, or in the case of the blonde, short, sexy, and possibly scary, relationship with either dead witch. Because after Ginny dumped him, thinking he was Tom Riddle pretending to be Harry after the Battle of Hogwarts, he was um.
Ron said 'Broken for life' and Hermione would slap him. And say lovingly that Harry just needed time to heal. The girls on the floor needed either time to defrost, or to go back into the freezer.
Ron came in, also in uniform, a bit later, as Harry was pushing on Susan Bone's bum to try to get her back into the freezer.
"Mate?" said Ron calmly. "It looks like you're trying to put a dead witch back into your freezer."
"I have to get Susan in so the blonde won't defrost," said Harry.
Ron walked over and stared at the other dead witch.
"Greengrass?" he said. "Didn't think you even knew her," he added.
Harry sighed "Look, I just opened the freezer to get some milk, and um. Greensleeves fell out. Susan was jammed in there behind her."
"Greengrass," said Ron "At least call her by her name, given she's dead in your fridge under mysterious circumstances." Ron sighed "Was it a love triangle?" he asked.
Harry groaned. Ron was completely mad. Of course there wasn't a love triangle.
"It's just that they're wearing the exact same robe, and Susan's … wasn't much like a Slytherin." said Ron. "I will have to ask you, Harry, to hand over your wand."
Harry stopped pressing on Susans's frozen bum, and let her fall out, getting to the back of the freezer, where the spare bottle of milk was concealed behind frozen brussel sprouts.
Hermione had reasoned that muggle food was quite cheap when frozen.
He pulled the milk out, and put it on the bench. "Ron – you used all the milk and didn't go get more."
"Well now we've got two dead witches and frozen milk." said Ron "That's a terrible way to start the day."
"I didn't kill them and stash them in my freezer" said Harry. "I'd have to be stupid."
"You'd have to be stupid to kill either." said Ron. "What did Susan's bum feel like?"
"Cold, solid." said Harry.
"Solid muscly or solid, hard flab?" asked Ron.
"Solid, frozen solid" said Harry.
"So you claim not to have murdered the witches" said Ron, and his wand was pointing at Harry.
"No. God. Why would I do that?"
"I expect because you'd gone mad, love triangle, jealously," said Ron. "The fact they're wearing the exact same robes and are identical slippers is a dead giveaway."
Harry looked. They were, once you stopped thinking about 'dead bodies in freezer' dressed identically.
Harry eyed Greengrass, who had freckles under the icicles. She looked a very icy girl next door. Mostly the icicles hanging from her nostrils, not the blue eyes and blond hair. Shame really, there was a shortage of pretty girls that didn't think he was Tom Riddle, and whose names were Ginny and Weasley. Not that he was broken for life. He still worked as an Auror. He and Ron had helped round up loads of Death Eaters.
"Look they're evidence, aren't they," said Harry, putting his wand on the kitchen table "We should put them back in the freezer. Till… responsible people arrive."
Ron sighed "I end up doing really strange things with you Harry. It's just a shame it had to end in a love triangle, of all things."
And Ron helped, he was good at working out angles, and Susan was back in the freezer again. And Harry picked up Greengrass, who was heavier than Susan, and taller, but folded up.
"What's her arse like?" asked Ron casually, holding the door for Harry.
"Frozen," said Harry. Well, and quite a nice shape, shame she was dead, thought Harry, And hypothetically he might have had to hold her chest to turn her sideways to tuck her into the freezer, and those were really hard nipples. Obviously. And whatever else happened, Harry's numb hands would never forget Greengrass's breasts. Her first name was – Harry had no idea. But she was nearly back in the freezer, and Ron actually helped, lifting her by her armpits, and they got her in. It would have been easier, thought Harry, when they weren't frozen.
Ron stopped the door and had a quick grope of Greengrass's chest. "Hmm. Cold" he said "Never saw that," he said to Harry, and closed the door.
Harry picked up his wand and defrosted the milk. Ron levelled his wand on Harry "You could have defrosted them you pervert," he accused.
"That would damage the evidence, wouldn't it?" asked Harry.
"Wand down, Harry" said Ron.
Harry put the wand down, and pointed to his cold tea "Warm that up" he asked, and washed his hands.
"Why are you washing your hands? Trying to remove evidence?"
"I still need breakfast, and I don't want frozen dead witch in my toast," said Harry.
"That's sick, that is" said Ron. "You really have cracked."
"Ron. I didn't do it. I have no idea how they got in the freezer, all right?" said Harry.
Harry got warm tea with milk, toast, marmalade and eventually, bacon. He sniffed, thinking of poor dead Hedwig. She would have flown in, stolen all the bacon and flow off arrogantly. His poor Hedwig.
"Get over it," said Ron, "The bloody owl died years ago… of course.. that's what started it all. The owl."
Harry ate bacon and ignored Ron's masterful understanding of the human psyche.
But he took a bacon buttie, greedy prick.
Hermione arrived as Harry did the dishes the muggle way.
"Harry, Ron," said Hermione tiredly.
"Hermione, Harry's gone mad" said Ron.
"Have not."
"Have too"
"Harry?" asked Hermione.
"There are two dead witches in the freezer. Ron thinks I did it." said Harry.
"What were you doing in the freezer?" she asked.
Harry felt deep disappointment. Hermione had gone mad, and was killing people and putting them in the freezer. In hindsight, he supposed, you could see the signs, even as a first-year.
"Hermione?" asked Ron, his wand dropping a bit.
"I was so late on a call-out last night there wasn't time to get rid of them properly" said Hermione.
Harry could see Ron's heart breaking. Served him right for not believing me, thought Harry.
"Hermione, no!" said Ron "Killing people is just wrong. And witches!"
"Ron, shut up," said Hermione tiredly. "Where's the tea?" she asked.
Harry made her tea, and wondered what he'd tell Mrs Weasley. She thought Hermione was a bad person for setting up housekeeping at Grimmauld place with her son and Harry, where she could only supervise if she came over, and mysteriously the floo network didn't work from the Burrow to Grimmauld place anymore.
It had taken Hermione a day to work out how to do that.
And now, thought Harry, she's gone mad. Well, being Ron's girlfriend probably didn't help, and the job did have long hours with DRCMC.
Hermione sipped tea, holding the mug on both hands, "Marmalade on toast Ron," she said, clearly dead tired. Probably from her murder-spree.
Ron made her marmalade on toast and skimped on the marmalade.
"Last night was awful, but it was so late, and I had to do what I had to do" she said. Harry held in a groan, Ron, not so much.
"Hermione… I'll wait for you," said Ron.
Harry felt that was unrealistic – he got bored waiting while she did her face to go out, he'd not wait the … several decades Hermione would get for killing two people.
Or maybe she wouldn't, thought Harry… maybe this was the awful majesty of her plan, as Hermione Granger, the Heroine of Hogsmeade, she'd… be let off with a 'don't do it again?'
Hermione ate toast, sipped tea then said "So, we busted an animal breeder, he was smuggling augury's of all things, and I completely accidentally found a hidden back room when casting measurement charms all over the building, looking for hidden rooms."
Harry waited. She was nearly at normal speed now.
"It was dreadful. They'd been making homonculi… using poly-juice in the recipe to make exact duplicates of actual people. All, rather disgustingly, young witches.
"You what?" asked Harry. "Surely that's an Auror job" he added.
"Homunculi are not people, they're beasts" said Hermione "And as the newbie, I got the job of bringing in some evidence. I chose Bones and Greengrass as a nice span across politics, but it was terribly late… about two in the morning, so I just brought them home and jammed them in the freezer for morning."
"Uhuh. Homunculi," said Ron.
"The lack of a belly-button is the telling sign," said Hermione. "But anyway, as beasts, and duplicates, we humanely euthanised them and I brought two home. The rest we vanished, after taking photos as evidence."
"So… Harry hasn't gone mad and killed his love triangle?" asked Ron.
"No," said Hermione.
Harry stood up and hugged Ron, who hugged back "Sorry mate" he said.
"Check with the office," Harry whispered in Ron's ear.
Harry smiled fixedly at Hermione as Ron went off to "get different socks" – or go outside, apparate to the ministry, and check with DRCMC and come back.
He came back much later, though Harry had made packed lunches for everyone in the meantime, and fed Hermione another tea.
Harry tried to catch his eye, but Ron instead kissed Hermione on the top of her head.
"Oh you," she said coyly.
But they still had to lug two dead, frozen witches to the ministry, so it wasn't great.
And the press arrived with cameras, so it got worse.
And Rita was one of them, and the look she gave Hermione was pure malice.
At least, thought Harry, none of this is my fault.
