Four years late is still better than never, right?
I'm so sorry for leaving this story in limbo. My WIP list never stops growing, and unfortunately, other fics suffer under the weight of my flighty muse. I won't promise a better update schedule, but I can promise not to take another four years for a chapter.
If literally anyone is still around to read this, you have my eternal gratitude and appreciation. Thanks for being here!
Chapter Nine
Bad Idea, Right?
"This is horrible!" I said for the fiftieth time as I paced our dorm. "Absolutely awful!"
"Yes, we heard you before," Renee drawled from her bed. "Now, could you please sit down? You're getting water all over the floor."
It was true; a trail of droplets followed my path from the washroom, where I had just emerged from the showers after Leigh prevented me from waterboarding myself until I drowned. I was still wrapped only in a towel, my wet hair loose and sopping, but I was too distressed to even think about getting changed.
I groaned and flopped down on the lid of my trunk.
"So what?" Renee continued, rolling her eyes at my dramatic outburst. "You kissed the bloke and you liked it. What's wrong with that?"
"Everything's wrong with that!" I cried, flinging my arms up. "He's supposed to be getting Evans to fall for him, not me!"
Leigh plucked the Sugar Quill she'd been sucking on from her mouth with a pop! "It was one kiss, Cleo. What's the big deal? You can kiss somebody and not have feelings for them, you know."
I was in no mood to listen to logic. I grabbed my discarded tie from my mattress and began wrapping it around my neck. "So long, cruel world— ACK!"
I dropped the tie after Renee sent a Stinging Hex to the backs of my hands. I rubbed at them, petulant, as she sat up with an annoyed expression.
"Get over it," she enunciated. "Merlin, I love you, but you can be so irritating sometimes."
With that, she stormed out of our dormitory and slammed the door behind her.
Leigh sighed. "Well, she doesn't mince words, I'll give her that."
I frowned. "Rude." I sat down again and put my chin in my hands. "Am I overreacting?"
"A bit." Leigh grimaced. "I don't think one kiss will change things all that much, Cleo. Not unless you let it." She gazed at me, thoughtful. "Do you want it to change things?"
A few months ago, I would have said no. But ever since James and I had started our fake dating scheme, it felt like someone had taken out all my insides, jumbled them up, and stuck them back in. Up was down, hot was cold, and I wanted James Potter to snog me again like he had on that field. I wanted to walk hand-in-hand with him through Hogsmeade, I wanted to snuggle on the couch together in the common room – I wanted to be there for him like I had been just that morning when he'd informed me of his mother's illness.
I was being delusional, I realized. This whole thing was fake. The only reason why we'd done any of that was because he wanted Lily Evans, not me. I was his friend, yes, but I was also a means to an end. None of the things I wanted would be reciprocated because they were inconsequential to James's goal of getting Lily to fall for him.
"It doesn't matter." I got to my feet and began to change into casual clothes. The victory party had already begun downstairs, and my absence was sure to be noticed since I was one of the instruments to that Gryffindor victory. "I agreed to help him win over Evans, and that's what I'm going to do. Because that's what a good friend does."
Leigh seemed like she wanted to argue, but I tossed my towel into the hamper and scuttled into the washroom before she could say anything. I turned the faucet and just watched the water flow into the drain for a good while. Only when I heard the dormitory door close did I sigh and pick up my toothbrush, trying to put myself in a good mood again before I went downstairs.
Ten minutes later and all I had achieved was the look of a wet cat with my damp hair and scowl. Determining that I would make only a brief appearance for the food and the sake of showing my face before I came back up to go to sleep, I slunk out of the dorm and down the girls' staircases.
I could already hear the tinny music and chatter of all the Gryffindors crammed together in the common room before I even got there, but upon my arrival, the crowd burst into cheers. I smiled and waved, hoping to melt into the background before Benjy Fenwick, a boy in my year, hoisted my arm into the air with a wide grin.
"Cleo Capaldi!" he shouted to the onlookers. "Congratulations!"
I was pretty sure I had never shared more than a "Pass the pumpkin juice, please" with the bloke, but I awkwardly basked in the praise for a few moments before excusing myself. Several of the study tables had been moved around to resemble a bar, and rows of foaming butterbeer sat on top while Peter Pettigrew pulled more out of a large crate. I had long ago given up on trying to needle the secret of where they got their stash out of James, so I just gave Pettigrew a polite smile and accepted a butterbeer.
Not entirely up for socializing with the large group in the middle of the common room, I drifted to a quiet corner where mostly younger students and shyer ones had congregated. I settled on a free ottoman and nursed my drink, content to watch the celebration from afar.
I spotted Leigh chatting with a few fifth-year girls, smiling broadly and gesticulating wildly with her hands. Remus Lupin lounged by the fireplace with his own butterbeer, nodding along to whatever Marlene McKinnon was saying to him. Sirius sat on his other side, his arm slung around Renee's shoulders, and even though my mouth pinched, I kept from walking over and dumping my drink on him just for how relaxed and happy Renee seemed with him. Behind them, nearest the fireplace, James stood with his shoulder propped against the mantel, talking to none other than Lily Evans.
I shouldn't be surprised, I thought as I took a sip from my butterbeer. A celebration of Gryffindor's first victory against Ravenclaw in seven years was a perfect opportunity for James and Lily to come together; Evans had always been competitive, and I knew she'd be ecstatic that Gryffindor had won. And with James being an instrument of that win, it made sense that it would open a door to finally find some common ground between them.
"Mind if I join you?"
I glanced up as Dorcas Meadowes took the seat next to me with a shy smile. I didn't mind, but I did find it odd that the one roommate I didn't get along with very much had chosen to sit by me willingly. "Er, sure."
"Thanks." She joined me in surveying the crowd, sipping from her own butterbeer. "Congratulations, by the way. You played brilliantly today."
I shrugged. "We were all at the top of our game. But thank you."
She hummed. "Potter seemed especially thrilled." She gazed at me out of the corner of her eye. "You make a cute pair."
"I think this is the most I've ever heard you compliment me," I joked half-heartedly. My discomfort grew the more she sat there, but I couldn't explain why. "More butterbeer?"
"She fancies him, you know." Dorcas's voice stopped me in my tracks as I stood up. I turned to face her. She watched me evenly, her expression perfectly placid. I didn't need to ask who she was referring to. "She'd never admit it, especially with the way he acted before this year, but she's quite easy to read. I think she's been in love with him almost as long as he's been in love with her."
I frowned. "She has a strange way of showing it, then. I lost track of how many times she told him she hated him over the years."
"She has a good heart, but she's afraid of being vulnerable," Dorcas said. "You know what happened between her and Severus Snape."
"He called her a vile word because he was embarrassed." My eyebrows rose. "James was always right about Snape, and that day proved it. Seems like she should've been more selective in her choice of friends."
I wasn't sure why I was resorting to this back-and-forth with Dorcas. I was irritated, that was for sure; she couldn't possibly know that I wasn't really dating James, which made this conversation even more irksome. If I had been dating James, then this conversation would be totally inappropriate. He had clearly made his choice. Why was I supposed to care about Lily Evans's secret feelings? I didn't want to argue with Dorcas, either. I wanted to drink another butterbeer, eat something unhealthy, and then go crash in my bed.
Dorcas scowled. "She wanted to see the good in Snape because that's who she is. That's why she's always seen the good in Potter, too."
"Whatever." I shook my head. "I don't know what your goal here is, Dorcas. If Evans really does fancy James, then maybe she should've given him a chance earlier, and not when he's already dating someone else."
"He's still in love with her," Dorcas said. "Everyone knows it; everyone sees it right now." She nodded to where James and Lily stood by the fireplace, laughing together. Lily had put a hand on James's arm, and James looked like the happiest man alive. "I don't want to see you get hurt, Cleo, that's all. That kind of love doesn't just go away."
"But I can, right?" I said, derisive.
Dorcas looked at me, pitying, and I wished I hadn't drunk all my butterbeer so I could toss it in her face.
"I'm just saying it might be easier to let go now rather than later," she said, her eyes sympathetic. "You're a great girl in your own way, Cleo. You'll find someone else."
I slammed my empty bottle down on a nearby table so hard that several heads turned in our direction, but I kept my voice low.
"You know, I always thought you were a bit uppity, Dorcas, but I never thought you'd be this audacious. Take your shitty advice and stick it."
She gaped, but I turned and made for the girls' staircases before she could reply.
The sheer audacity of that girl. As if the world had to cater to the whims of Lily Evans because she couldn't understand the difference between love and hate! And Dorcas thinking that she was doing me a favor, dressing it up as not wanting to see me get hurt, as if she had ever actually cared about what I felt. I couldn't even remember the last time we'd had a meaningful conversation.
I climbed into my bed and yanked the hangings closed. Then I laid there, shoes and all, for a very long time.
When I sat down to breakfast with Leigh and Renee the next morning, I wasted no time in telling them what Dorcas had told me at the victory party. Leigh looked stricken on my behalf, but Renee's face had clouded in anger.
"Where does that bint get off on telling you to break things off with Potter?" she said rudely upon the conclusion of my recount. "I say you snog him again in full view of her and Evans. Throw in some tongue, too."
"Fake break things off," I reminded her. She made a face. "But honestly, that's not a bad idea."
"Isn't this what you wanted, though?" Leigh piped up. "Make Evans jealous, pretend to end things over Christmas, so when we came back next term James could start dating her instead. That was the plan, wasn't it?"
"Fake dating or not, Dorcas still has no right to interfere and try to make Cleo feel bad," Renee said hotly. She whirled back to me. "Double down. Date him for real. Rub their faces in it."
I edged back from her. "Remind me again how you ended up in Gryffindor over Slytherin?"
She grinned. "I hate green. I told the Hat if it put me in Slytherin, I'd set it on fire."
"Right." I couldn't tell if she was serious or not. I chose ignorance. "Anyway, can we not make this a big deal, please? I agree, Dorcas should've kept her mouth shut, but Leigh has a point. This just means our plan is still working." I tore apart my croissant and tried to ignore the stone weighing in my stomach. "We only have a few more weeks of term left and then it's over with."
Renee sat back, disappointed. "So, I can't put cockroaches in her bed?"
"Please don't," I said while Leigh paled beside her.
"Ugh. Fine."
I went back to picking at my croissant until a shadow fell over me at the table.
"Hi, Cleo," Lily Evans said in her melodic voice. I half-turned, and she held out a scroll for me, a bright smile on her face. Either she had no idea what Dorcas had done the night before, or she was a good actress. I accepted the scroll from her reluctantly. "I know it's Sunday, but Professor McGonagall wanted me to give this to you."
"Thanks." I expected her to leave, but to my annoyance, she turned to Leigh and Renee.
"Morello, yes?" she said to Leigh. Leigh nodded nervously. "And Warrington I know." She laughed, and it sounded like a pretty bell. "Sirius talks about you all the time."
Renee glared at her. I aimed a kick at her under the table, but she dodged it. Lily's smile became strained in the awkward silence.
"Sorry about her," I said to Lily, shooting a warning look at Renee. "She hasn't eaten yet, and she's downright foul when she's hungry."
"Oh." Lily laughed again. "I understand, Marlene's the same way. I'll leave you to it, then. Cheers, ladies."
She trounced off to the other end of the table, and I turned on Renee, incredulous. "Could you try and be civil? Dorcas was the one who said those things last night, not Lily."
Renee sniffed. "Just because everyone else sucks up to Miss Perfect, Wonderful Head Girl doesn't mean I have to."
"I don't need any more trouble, all right?" I pinched the bridge of my nose. "Just drop it."
"She acts all innocent and kind, but she's treated Potter like dirt for years," she retorted. "I've spent more time with Potter than you since I've dated Sirius, and Quidditch practice is different from hanging 'round the common room with him and his mates," she added before I could protest. "I've seen more interactions between him and Evans than I can stomach and heard more besides. She's been downright cruel. Sorry for not worshipping the very ground she walks on."
I didn't respond, not only because I didn't feel like pushing the argument, but also because her words had stumped me a bit. What did she mean by Lily being cruel to James? Sure, she'd yelled at him a bunch of times over the years, taken points and called him some names, but I didn't see that as particularly malicious. I'd thought she'd just snapped out of frustration with James's antics.
I finished my croissant without further debate and turned to the scroll Evans had delivered from McGonagall. I read through it quickly and groaned.
"What's wrong?" Leigh asked.
"Remedial lesson after class tomorrow. She wants to discuss my grades this term and see if I've improved any," I said, dejected. "Hopefully, I don't get kicked off the team."
"You better not with all the effort I've been putting into you." James swung himself onto the bench beside me, and I had the sudden urge to stuff the scroll in my mouth and choke on it. He was the last person I wanted to deal with right now. Oblivious as ever, though, he squished one of my top knots and made a honking noise. His mates laughed as they sat around us. "Aw, is Cupcake grumpy today?"
I'd batted him off with a scowl. "Fine, thanks."
He swept up my note from McGonagall and read it despite my protest. "Ah, this? Just change your rat into a teacup and you'll be fine. Minnie just likes to be hard on us to get us to be better. She's kept Pete back loads of times after class."
"What are you telling my business for?" Peter mumbled through his porridge.
"I'll try it." I got to my feet, and James looked at me in surprise.
"Where are you going?"
"Might as well work on my Transfiguration homework," I lied. I avoided everyone's eyes as I departed. "See you lot later."
I had just entered the entrance hall when James called my name and hurried to catch up with me. I knew he would've followed me; he was like a bloodhound when it came to sniffing out changes in anyone's mood.
"What gives?" he said, studying me in concern. "Are you all right?"
"I'm fine." I wasn't even sure I could articulate why I was so despondent. Because he kissed me, and it was excellent? Because I was buttering him up to hand him off to a girl who had never shown any inkling of goodwill toward him? Because Dorcas had so rudely forced herself into my business? "Just worried about what McGonagall might say tomorrow."
He frowned, his hazel eyes somber behind his spectacles. "You didn't say anything to me at the party last night, either."
I lifted one of my shoulders in a shrug. "You were talking to Lily. I didn't want to interrupt."
"You could've at least said hello."
I gave him a dry look. "Hello."
"Are you upset with me?" he asked. "I mean, the kiss and all… If I went too far, I understand, and I apologize. It won't happen again."
I just looked at him, hoping my expression wasn't as wretched as I suddenly felt on the inside. "I know it won't."
He stared at me for a long moment, his lips slightly parted, before he grabbed my hand and led me to the double doors of the castle. "C'mon."
"What?" I almost tripped trying to keep pace with him. "Where are we going?"
"Outside," was all he said as he pushed open the doors and led us into the courtyard. It was a grey and dusky day, sunless and with an iron wind that reminded me winter was well and truly here. Even the griffin fountain in the courtyard's center was muted and sluggish, as if the water itself wanted to hibernate from the cold.
He steered us toward the south end and an alcove that overlooked the distant boathouse and the Black Lake. A flock of crows took flight at our appearance, cawing and wheeling into the air in offense. We stopped at the alcove, but he didn't release my hand, and selfishly, I didn't relinquish his, either.
"You have to give me something," he said finally when we were alone. "I can't help you if I don't know what's bothering you."
"Who says I need help?" I grumbled.
"Me," he said without an ounce of shame. He reached out and rubbed the crease between my eyebrows. "I can always tell when my favorite Chaser isn't happy, and I want you to be happy, Cleo."
I pulled my hand away and drew my arms to my chest. "I'm fine, James. I can't be cheerful all the time."
"I can always tell when you're lying too."
I scoffed and paced away, my back to him. "I see those Divination lessons you took in your third year have really stuck with you."
"Will you please just be honest with me?" he demanded. "I took the kiss too far, all right? I'll admit that, and I'm sorry for it, Cleo, truly. It was impulsive, and-and stupid—"
"I don't care about the bloody kiss, James!" I whirled around, and his eyes widened, then narrowed. "I'd do it a hundred more times if you asked me to; I just don't understand why it had to be for Lily Evans."
I clamped my lips shut. I'd said too much. He stared at me, confused and more than a little dumbfounded.
"Never mind," I said, shaking my head. "Forget I said anything. Renee just told me something that probably isn't even true, and I let it get to me. Sorry."
"Oh." His voice sounded small and sheepish. "Did she tell you about the broom cupboard?"
"What are you talking about? What broom cupboard?"
His expression flitted through a half-dozen emotions before settling on something akin to embarrassment, and maybe shame. My confusion grew. "Maybe not, then."
"No one said anything about a broom cupboard." I shook my head. "I just – James, there may be a slight possibility we let this get away from us. I mean, Lily…does she even like you?"
The question was a hit below the belt, and his wince confirmed it. I tried to backpedal. "I only mean that she's hardly been nice to you at all over the years. She blames you for every minor inconvenience, she's cursed you out more times than I can count, and those are just the things I know about. I dunno. I dunno why I'm even saying these things. Ignore me."
James laughed, but it was a harsh and bitter thing that sounded nothing like him. "No, you have a point." He elaborated at my questioning look. "Warrington may not have mentioned the broom cupboard, but I'll tell you it anyway now that I brought it up."
"You don't have to—" I started, but he cut me off with a sharp glance.
"Remember last year, and the rumor that I had snogged Lyra Clearwater?" he asked.
"Yeah." I wondered where this was going. "She'd been obsessed with you for years; she bragged about finally bagging you for weeks."
The Ravenclaw girl's preening had been revolting, honestly; I'd been in the vicinity one too many times to hear vivid descriptions of James's tongue, and the only thing that had gotten her to stop telling anyone with ears was the day Sirius had roared at her to shut up during breakfast and gotten detention for it. He had endeared himself slightly to me for that one.
"Well, I hadn't intended to snog her." James rubbed his chin absently. "You see, Evans had decided to get me back after she thought I purposefully screwed up one of her potions during class. I'd been making a fool of myself, as usual, and I distracted her. I hadn't intended to, but to my shock, she laughed it off and said there were no hard feelings. Then at dinner that night, she dropped a note for me asking me to meet her in the third-floor broom cupboard after curfew."
I listened with a pit growing in my stomach, having a sickening sense where the story was headed.
"Sirius warned me it was too good to be true, but I was so ecstatic that I didn't listen; I just thought he was being a stick in the mud since he and Warrington were having a row that day." He gazed out at the lake, troubled. "I went to the place Evans had said, and there she was. I remember thinking how beautiful she looked when she smiled, and how happy I was that she had finally come 'round to me. I couldn't wait to show her just how much I'd wished for that very moment.
"She took my glasses and giggled; it was so cute. I asked her what she was doing, but she only opened the door to the cupboard and told me to go in, to keep my eyes closed and wait for her. Like an idiot, I did it. A few minutes later, I heard her come in. I was sweating, I was so nervous, but she didn't care. She put her hands on my shoulders and kissed me."
His cheeks grew pink, and he scratched the tip of his nose. "I was, er, rather enthusiastic. Maybe a tad too much. After a couple of minutes, though, I heard laughter on the other side of the door. It sounded like Lily's. The cupboard was dark, and I didn't have my glasses, but I pulled my wand out and cast Lumos. Everything was blurry, but I knew immediately that I hadn't been snogging Lily. You see, she'd slipped Lyra Clearwater a note pretending to be me, saying I wanted to meet her in that same broom cupboard; that I'd be waiting inside, and she should come in without a word and just kiss me; that that was all I wanted.
"I raced out of there when I saw Clearwater. Lily was in the corridor with her friends, doubled over in laughter, tears streaming down her face. She laughed even harder when she saw me and tossed me my glasses. I hightailed it back to Gryffindor Tower and told Sirius he was right; Warrington had been with him, and she heard everything." He shrugged. "I'm surprised she never told you, honestly. I imagined she would've thought you'd find it funny."
It took me a moment to find my voice again. "Funny?" I echoed, appalled. "James, that's sick. There's nothing remotely funny about that."
He shrugged. "It was just a prank. She got me back good, I'll give her that."
I wanted to hurl. Suddenly, Renee's comment about Lily being cruel made a whole lot more sense.
"James," I said quietly, "that wasn't a prank. That was assault."
"Moony said the same thing," he said, uncomfortable, "but that's a little much, don't you think? I mean, she just kissed me. We didn't do anything else."
I gripped his hands tightly. "That should never have happened to you, James. I'm so sorry." I searched his face. "Why did you never tell me? Merlin, I even made jokes to you about snogging Clearwater. I can't believe I did that."
"It's not that big of a deal," he said. He grinned faintly at me. "Besides, your jokes were funny."
"It wasn't right," I said firmly. "And neither was what Evans did to you."
He lifted his shoulders. "Well, it's in the past now. No use dwelling on it. But since I just told you a secret…" He threaded his fingers with mine, his old cheekiness returning, and my heart fluttered a bit. "You tell me one."
"James—"
"Cleo," he said after sighing, "I'd really rather not talk about it anymore. Please?"
I wanted nothing more than to press the issue and make him see just how wrong Lily's prank had been, but at his pleading gaze, I swallowed back my argument. "Fine."
"So…secret?" He wiggled our joined hands, and I couldn't help but grin.
"All right, all right. Er, I used Leigh's toothbrush one time and never told her?"
He wrinkled his nose. "That's just nasty."
"That's why I'm taking it to my grave."
His lips pursed. "It's not a very good secret, though. Give me something more personal."
"I think hygiene is very personal."
He pretended to strangle me. "You're not being any fun."
I laughed. "Well, I don't know what kind of secret you want me to share."
He dipped his head low to mine and smirked, and my insides went all mushy. "How about you share whether you think I'm a good kisser or not?"
Instantly, my face went up in flames. "What?"
"Be honest," he said, his breath fanning across my face, and I smelled the sharp peppermint of his toothpaste. "Am I a good snog?"
I stood, frozen, wondering what on earth I should say. Yes was the obvious answer; he was by far the best snog I'd ever had. But admitting it to his face felt like playing the cards I was desperately holding to my chest. If I said yes, wouldn't that be the same as plastering a sign on my face that read I might just fancy you?
His smirk stretched wider the longer I said nothing. "Oh, so that good, eh?"
The usual arrogance with which he said it reignited my instinct to humble him, and I feigned interest in my fingernails, my voice sly.
"Perhaps. Or perhaps I've had better."
His face fell like I'd just given up his favorite puppy for adoption. "What? Who? Tell me his name."
I burst out laughing. "Calm down, James. Godric, you look ready to cry."
He sniffed and crossed his arms. "Of course, I was. Knowing my little Gnome preferred anyone else over me almost broke my heart. And naturally, I would have had to remedy your preferences."
I tapped a finger to my chin, keeping my expression nonchalant despite the blood roaring in my ears. "A reminder never hurt."
"Oh, yeah?" His face split into a wide grin. "Are you in need of a reminder so soon?"
"Like I said." I shrugged. "It never hurts."
He leaned in again, and my back went straight. I tilted my head up, ready to put myself in those burning flames once more, but he only ducked his chin, pressed a quick kiss to the side of my neck, and stood up, his grin back in place.
My neck seared where he'd kissed it, and I glared at the smug look on his face. "Ass."
He chucked me lightly under the chin. "Love you, too, Cupcake."
He made as if to leave before he stopped at my shoulder. "We'll come back to this."
I remained silent, allowing him the last word, and he walked away, chuckling. When he was gone, I put my head in my hands and let out a muffled scream.
Just a quick note here to say that this is not a Lily bashing fic, not now, not ever. I don't intend for her to be painted as a villain, but I do want to explore a side of her that perhaps isn't shown so much in other fics. I believe Lily to be nuanced in her own way, and this story is as much an exploration of her as it is with James and Cleo.
As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts, though!
