Chapter 1: When the world falls apart
Penelope:
She just asks for five seconds. Five seconds to hold his hand. It is truly that much? She felt the loneliness overrule her body and mind, felt the desire to connect and feel loved. She knew, he was angry at her, rightfully so. He went to fix it with Cressida, but it didn't work out, so she activated her plan B, which was the marriage with Lord Debling, and it did, worked out. His ego was bruised, that he couldn't fix it, but he wanted to. Meanwhile he completely tried to take away her agency by saying it isn't up to her what they do, but she is the bad guy. He was distant ever since.
She couldn't take it anymore. She needed that love, and she asked for it, making him angry to the level that he just stormed out. Leaving her there, alone, with a broken heart. She felt the pain inside her bones, the coldness in her veins, it was unbearable. Just standing there, in the middle of the room, frozen entirely. The pain slowly turned into numbness. It felt like the hours were just passing by, she wasn't present at all, her thoughts were numb too. After a little while, she felt the pain again, and it was almost undescribable. Strong, burning feeling, making her gasp and collapsing on the floor. Then she saw the most horrifying thing: blood. She was bleeding, and it wasn't her period, she knew it.
Just laying on the floor, curled up in pain, unable to speak words, only screaming. She tried to crawl away till the door, but she couldn't. The pain just grew bigger and bigger, blood was everywhere. One moment to the next, the world became pitch black.
Colin:
How can she asked that? After everything what happened? Dearest Gentle Reader... my wife wanted me to hold her hand, after she made me feel like I'm not a man... Great, now I'm talking like her.
Which isn't that bad, because she is brilliant, and talented, and she loves you.
I hate the stupid, reasonable voices in my head. And she truly just asked for five seconds, not even a minute or a hug or a kiss or more. Just five seconds to hold my hand, and I've got angry at her, like she confessed a murder or something, meanwhile she just wanted my love. She just wants love. If I can't hold her hand, how are we going to fix our relationship?
Mama always says that half of our problems would be fixed, if we just learn how to properly communicate, and actually do that. And I'm very much existing in my head, plus my absolute inability to see things from the other person's point of view, the inability that I have that I can't listen to people, when they explain what and why they messed up. I guess I'm just paying the price for my personality. But this marriage can't be the price. I love her, I just need to put away my wounded ego, that she doesn't need me in a traditional sense, like most women need their husbands, I need to deal with my jealousy over her success. And I need to go back to talk to her. Right now.
I walked upstairs, on my way into our bedroom, trying to figure it out, what to say. Building up a speech and practicing it. When I opened the door, the speech of mine sinked into forgotten. She was lying unconscious on the ground, covered in blood. I rushed to her, and grabbed her body into my arms.
- Penelope, Penelope, My Sweet! Wake up, just wake up dearest! Please! Come back to me! Please! Raaaaeeee!
I was screaming for her maid, I was terrified, like I've never been before.
- Raaaaeeee!
The panic ingrained in my body, I trembled with fear.I can't lose her, no. This is not a possibility! Her maid then appeared in the door, screamed, when she saw her.
- Call the doctor! Now!
She ran out of the room, and I just held her in panic.
- I promise, you're gonna be okay, I promise, I fix everything, I promise... I promise...
I promise the world, just stay alive. Stay with me.
- I'm gonna hold your hand and more, just please, come back to me...
I held her for an eternity, while my hands were covered with her blood. I held her, as close as I could and I just trusted that the warrior inside of her would fight and come back to me.
Chapter 2: This isn't real
Colin:
She was pregnant. We were about to have a child, but now we don't. After the doctor left, I just sat next to her, on a chair, while watching her sleep. She is unconscious, ever since I found her. The night is before us, and the morning will come. I need to tell her. That she lost her baby.
I should have been there. If I'm there, maybe I could have done something, but I let my pride and jealousy get in the way of my love, I left her here, for hours, while she went on through one of the most painful experiences, a woman can have. I failed her.
The morning comes and her mother is here, I send for her, but it might have been a mistake. I thought, it would help her, I know Portia isn't the best mother, but after all, she is family, and every mother loves her child. So I thought. Apparently not. I've been living in a family full of love and never realised that this is not a reality for most people. This is why I failed to convince Cressida. But I never thought about how bad it is for Pen. When her mother said she will tell her about the baby, I really thought, it is for the best. Better than me, than her husband who wasn't there for her. But I should never have let that woman put her feet into our room.
-Mmm...
-Sweet girl, hey. Your awake!
-Mama.. What...
-Sssh... Just drink this, slowly.
-What happened?
- Penelope...
-What happened?
- Sweet girl, you were expecting a child and...
- I'm gonna be a mom?
Her face lit up, with the biggest smile, it was pure happiness. She laughed from the joy.
- No, no... Penelope, listen to me. You were. Pregnant. But you lost the baby.
The room went cold, and I couldn't predict what would come next, not in a thousand years.
- No.. no .. no .. no .. no ... No! This isn't real! This isn't real. This isn't real...
- Penelope...
- This is a joke, right? Oh, you would do that! Like it, when I'm suffering?
- Penelope!
- But what did I expected from you? You are always like this! You enjoy my pain! When I was little, you always pushed me away! You never let me hug you, spend time with you, you throw the flowers out, what I collected for you, you burned the poems I wrote for you! Every time I wanted to get close to you, you find a way to hurt me, to build up a wall between us! You always found it a way to insult or ignore me, to criticise me! I had to sneak out at night for food after you always send me up without dinner, and always give a half portion compared to my sister's because oh, we don't have enough money to buy enough material of a dress for me! You'd rather let me be starved, just because of money! Or more like because you wanted me to get skinnier? Because there is no way a woman like me can be beautiful or even desirable, in your eyes! It doesn't matter, how much I begged for you, when my debut came, I begged for one more year, because I wasn't ready, but you don't let me, because oh! Your sisters waited enough and it is cheaper to debut the three of you at the same time! You always prioritise money over me! You never let me be myself,do what I love, wear what I love, you never let me have a choice in anything! When someone else hurts me, you always look away, my sisters, Cressida, anyone! You just let me get hurt! Because you never loved me! You never loved me and you never will!
She started sobbing, uncontrollably, it was heartbreaking. She was suffering, and I never paid enough attention to her, to realise it. I even let this monster into our home after the worst day of her life.
- Get out! Get out now!
After her sobs calmed down she screamed at her mother, who left without a word. At least she had the decency to go without saying anything.
- This isn't real... This isn't real... This isn't real...
She started to say it again. Hours passed by and she still only said that this isn't real. She rocked herself, while sitting on the bed and continued saying that This isn't real... then started walking in the room, still saying the words, but at that point you barely understand what she was saying... I tried to talk to her, to do something, but she doesn't recognise I was there. She was lost in her mind, and kept saying the incomprehensible words. It was terrifying.
- This.. is. isn't... real .. re.. al ..
I don't know what to do. She is walking in the room, now she wrings her hands and looks like she's losing it... She slowly lost it in the pain. She can't ...cannot grasp that what happened is reality.
Someone knocked on the door.
- El!
- Hey. Her Mama came over and told us. How is she?
- It is very bad El. I don't know how to help her! She doesn't react to what I'm saying. I'm trying to snap her out of this state but I can't.
- Maybe it will work for me.
It did. And if it is possible, it was even worse, than with her mother.
- What do you even know about what I feel?! You exist in your own little world, conveniently ignore other people's problems and complain about how horrible that your Mother wants you to get married, meanwhile other women are forced to marry a man three times as their age or had to bear the cross of not being chosen by anyone! Do you even know what it's like when no one listens to you, everyone ignores you?! Talking about problems without realising your privilege of having a family who loves you, and would never force you to get married! Spinsterhood is a choice for you without any consequences, not a faith that is dreadful. Some of us want marriage, kids and there is nothing wrong with that, but you always look down on women who are having traditional desires, acting towards them how men of the ton treat them in general. You belittle other women, just because they have a different point of view of what life should be! Some of us wanted all, the traditional life and the purpose to live for, a dream what can be anything. It doesn't make someone less of a woman just because they are different from you. You have no capability to understand where someone is coming from, if it doesn't align with your views of life. You were surprised by the desire of mine for marriage, but I told you multiple times I want that, you just ignored it! You always talk, but never listen! You said you don't know me, but if you shut up, listen and let me talk you would, the only reason why you don't is because of your ignorance! You always took me for granted, you never listened to me, I told you multiple times to not put yourself into situations, but you do and you ended up hurt! Your recklessness and impulsive nature put you in the position of the Queen thinking you are Lady Whistledown, and when I fixed the problem, somehow I was the bad person? You even wanted to print an issue to protect yourself but when I did it, somehow it was bad? Oh, and standing up Cressida is far from me, but you broke off your friendship with her when she printed the issue to protect herself from marrying an older man, but that is what you attempted to do last season! I bet you never listen to her either, right? And now you are here, playing the role of a friend who is understanding, but when I needed you I couldn't count on you! Get out! Now!
She collapsed on the floor, crying, sobbing... She was a wreck. I rushed to her, put her in bed, while El left the room, I did not have time to check on her. I needed to help Pen.
I tacked her in, while she cried herself into sleep. When she finally closed her eyes, I gently stroked her hair. I have to find a way to take her pain away or at least to ease that pain, to make her feel loved and cared for. I need to be the husband who she needs, who suits her. Who gives her what she needs. I need to be a better version of myself. For her.
Penelope:
When people are talking about grief, they all describe it very differently, because no one's grief is the same.
When my Grammy passed away, I couldn't cry. I couldn't feel anything, but an even level agony coursed through my body. It was calm. It was cold. It was dead silent. I cried nine months later, when I smelled the same fragrance as her perfume. It felt like my heart was trying to jump out of my chest. For ten long minutes. Than nothing. Life went on. The pain was so big, that if I would start to feel it, it would have killed me.
When my Father died, I felt emptiness. A man who was always so far away, that his death truly didn't make a difference. I grieved. What could've been, if he felt a tiny bit of love in his heart for me.
And now... Now I feel everything. I feel nothing. A part of me is death, and I cannot get it back. I'm an empty vessel.
Chapter 3: Blood soaked gown
Penelope:
Her eyelashes were stuck together, the tears holding them together like glue. She had difficulty opening her eyes, her head ached from crying so much and she was sure that her eyes were bloodshot. The whole of her body felt so heavy, she tried to sit up, it was like lifting stones.
She takes the glass of water to drink, and hides back under the covers. Pulled the blanket as close as it was possible and huddled under it.
Everything was meaningless. Existence lost the importance of it, the only thing she knew, is that she is alone in this world. She doesn't belong to it, she belongs with her child, they should be together. Mother and child belong together, they should never have been separated from each other.
Then she saw Colin. He pulled out her dress from the closet, and the panic rushed through her body.
- What are you doing with that?
- Pen, you are awake!
- What are you doing with that? Put it back!
- But…
She rose up from the bed, all her body trembled, she was in pain, but as fast as she could she ran for the gown.
- This is mine, you can't take it away!
- I.. I just thought it would be better for you, if you don't have to see it, ever again.
- It is mine!
- Pen…
- No… no … no.. You can't take it away. This is all I have left, you can't take it away.
The fear of losing what remained from it almost paralyzed her. She can't lose it.. she already lost everything…
- Please, don't take it away!
- Pen, I just want to help you! How could you keep it?
- How could I not? That's all I have left from my child! This blood is them. How could I lose them… This is all that's left… I can't lose them again.
She just clung into the dress, like it would be the only thing keeping her alive. Pulling the gown close, as tight as it was possible, falling to the ground, leaning against the wall. She was deep inside her thoughts.
- I can't lose them again. This is their blood, the proof, that they existed. That it wasn't a dream or a nightmare or a fantasy, but reality. I was a Mother, now I'm nothing, without them I would be even less. I need them, i need them close. – She looked up at him. – This is all I have left. I will die without my child, don't take them away, please!
She was in tears, she was an absolute mess.
- Of course, dear, they are staying with you, okay? Let's put them back here…
- No! I want them with me! - She was clinging to the gown, the traces of dried blood were visible on her hands.
- Alright, alright. Don't you wanna lay down a little? Maybe some more sleep will help. - He added hesitantly: They can go with you, okay?
- Yes.
He helped her go back to bed. She laid on it and closed her eyes, with the gown in her arms.
Colin:
Somehow every time he is trying to help her, he makes things worse. He truly thought, if the gown disappears, it will make it easier for her. Instead, he just crashed her even more, than she was before. He had no idea, what she needed, but what he knew is that he is failing in giving it to her.
He went down after she slept in, asked Cook Celia to make Pen's dearest food, lemon butter chicken with some noodles and her favourite dessert: lemon cake. Penelope loved lemon, she couldn't get enough of it.
While he was giving Cook Celia the orders, he heard a scream. Her scream. He rushed immediately to their room, finding Penelope with misty eyes and a trembling body. She must have a nightmare. Before he could get to her, he saw her wrap her arms around herself and start rocking herself. She sang a lullaby.
Child of the wilderness
Born into emptiness
Learn to be lonely
Learn to find your way your way in darkness
Who will be there for you?
Comfort and care for you?
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion
Never dreamed out in the world
There are arms to hold you
You've always known
Your heart was on its own
So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness
Learn to be lonely
Learn how to love life that is lived alone
Learn to be lonely
Life can be lived
Life can be loved
Alone
She console herself, after a nightmare. Rae entered the room, to check on her mistress then she saw him standing there and almost whispered it to him:
- Lady Featherington denied us to go help her, when she had a nightmare. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't go, console her. I just sat next to her door, and listened to how she sings this lullaby to herself, console herself until she goes back to sleep, because no one else was there for her. My mistress used to handle everything on her own, because the only person she could count on was her. If she was in pain, she hid it, because when her family saw it, they made it worse with their insult, with their mocking and laughing. So she never let anyone see any weakness, that is how she protects herself, from being hurt, even more, than she already is. Please, give her some time. Growing up in a house full of pain and hurt doesn't make it easy for one to open up.
She left him there and now, he know, what he needs to do. Give her the space where she feels safe, to open up, and take it without judgement and with understanding whatever she wants to say, but first, just letting her sleep and helping her eat later. One step at a time.
Chapter 4: Let you in
Colin:
A few days passed by, she just stuck in the bed, almost never spoke. He tried to get her out, maybe a little walk would be good for her, but she doesn't want to go. It was another bad idea, but at least she reacted to it. When she reacts, it is usually for something that angers her or hurts her feelings, she just flips out, and tells the person off or has a meltdown. He basically walks on eggshells around her, but if he wanted to be honest, he doesn't know why, because she barely acknowledges him being around.
- Pen, please, you need to eat this, just to get some strength. It is really good, just take it with one spoon, just a little soup, please!
- I'm not hungry.
- It is alright, you don't have to be, just eat it.
- Leave me alone.
- Please, I'm trying to help, just rely on me, please!
- I should rely on you? Are you serious?
- Yes!
- Rely on you?! After everything... When I was about to debut, I was so scared, I wrote to you about it, but you barely acknowledged my feelings and I relied on you! When I told you that Marina loves someone else, I was open and honest to you, but you completely dismissed me, you didn't take me seriously, - which is so ironic, after you had problems with people treating you the same way - I relied on you! When you came back from your travels, you basically opened up with: Oh I sworn off woman, and when I said that I'm a woman, you went: but you are Pen. You do not count? I relied on you, for reassurance, for care, I spend all the time soothing your insecurities, and the one time I needed it back, you said that I'm not a woman in your eyes. In the end of the season after you helped my family, you promised, you promised you will look after me, because I'm special to you, but instead , not within on hour later, you made fun of me, you made me a laughingstock and treated me the very same way your friends and the whole ton did! I trusted you, I relied on you, and you pay me back with ripping my heart out of my chest, and let it shatter on the ground. And then later you accused me of entrapping you, you said the very same things my mother did, because in her eyes I am unmarriegeable and there is no way anyone would look at me like that, you used her words, and made it sure I know your with me out of obligation, and I was so hopeful, such an idiot little fool to believe that your love is real, so I hoped, that you will forgive me, I relied on you, on your love! When Cressida blackmailed me, you opened with the: It is not up to you, what we decide! Then to who? It is my life, my choice, I just wanted to be honest with you, but you pushed me away! I was the same invisible, unloved, ignored girl on the sidelines again, because you pushed me there! You acted just like my Mother, who always took away my agency over my life, but what is even worse, that you know this feeling very well, because that is how your family treated you after Marina's pregnancy was out, and you hated it,and you did the very same thing with me! I relied on you and your love again, hoping that it will be okay, only in the end for you to despise me because I took my agency back over my Own life! I relied on you! You pushed me away, you don't even spoke to me, knowing exactly how much it hurt, how lonely I grew up, always being pushed away, being abandoned, you made me feel so unloved like when I was a child… – than she whispered after the yelling with drained from crying – Every single time when I relied on you, you showed me why I shouldn't.
He stayed silent, not knowing what to say. He knew, he failed her, but didn't realize the extent of it. He then remembered Rae's words. She opened up, that is a good step. She feels comfortable enough, to open up. Or just don't care anymore.
- You are right. I know I wasn't there for you. Not the way, you needed me. But please Pen… Let me in. I will try my best to be there for you…
- Then what? You will leave again, so what is the point?
- What do you mean?
- You will leave, as soon as I get better, you will go out again, sleep outside. You will leave me here, so what is the point of letting you in, if you will leave? Why would I let you in, when I know, that you don't stay, and than I will be alone again, why would I go through this healing, you push me to do, when later you will leave me again, because you will, I would be hurt again, so why should I let you in, when you will leave me alone… Just like everybody else.
As the meaning of her words slowly crept into his mind, he felt like he was going to fall apart. She was protecting herself. From him. Oh God! He screwed up, even worse, than he thought he did.
- I won't leave, I promise and this isn't an empty one. I will stay with you, no matter what, because I love you. I apologise for taking your granted, for pulling away and not making sure, that you know I still love you, for not making sure to tell you, how much you mean to me. For breaking your heart, without realising it. I apologise for my actions, not for my feelings, because everyone is allowed to feel the way they do. I apologise for how those feelings manifests as actions, it can be a wrong way, and just as much as painful for the one who is doing it, like the one who is receiving it. I take responsibility for the hurt I caused to you, just like you did under this whole time, meanwhile you did not undermined my feelings. I try my best to be better, to be the man you need, because I love you. I love you with everything I am, everything I've been, and everything I hope to be. I love you with my past, and I love you for my future. I love you for the children we'll have if we choose to have them, and I will love you, if it is just the two of us, no matter how life goes, I will love you. For the years we'll have together, for the laughter and jokes, for the fights and triumphs. I love you for every one of my smiles and even more, for every one of your smiles. I love you, because you are my best friend, my soulmate and the woman of my life, but first and foremost: I love you for the fighter you are, I love you for keeping your soul and heart full of love, and that you don't let the world take that away from you, after growing up so alone. I admire your strength for staying true to yourself, your wit and intelligence. You are my inspiration in life, in the said and written words.
Penelope:
The tears just fell down on her face, her eyes were misty, and her heart did things that she doesn't have the words to describe. He loves her, and he actually wants to stay.. Can it be? It would be true? She doesn't trust him entirely yet, but her heart has the hope for it. But it was mixed with this unbearable pain, and she just wasn't ready to let him in.
- I…
She was hesitant, and didn't know what to say.
- You don't have to say anything just let me in, to hug you.
He wanted to climb in the bed, and pull her in.
- Okay. -she sighed.
- Good. And now please, eat this soup.
She smiled, it was a very faint smile. Then she ate a little and just put her head on his shoulder. It wasn't a lot, but a good start. And maybe, just maybe, the pain in her chest, what is suffocated her, can be sustained to the level, where she will be able to breathe. She closed her eyes, and dreamed of a life with a little child, red hair, blue eyes, calling her Mama. The pain will never go away, but maybe, day by day, it can be a little bit less. Just a tiny bit.
Chapter 5: The nasty feeling what's floating in the background
Penelope:
She sent a note to Gen, to visit her and they could talk. She also had cravings for some pastries and sent Colin out for them, at the same time of the visit, convenient timing and all. She needed to talk to her friend privately, her husband had no idea of their friendship and she had no energy to explain it to him. Telling Gen everything about what happened, getting the love and support she craved helped her a lot.
- Thank you for listening to me.
- Of course, you can always count on me, Penny.
- I wish I could say this about more people.
- What about your family? The Bridgertons must have been very supportive.
- They offered their help, Lady Violet was there to talk, but I wasn't strong enough for a conversation. And as much as I want to, I don't feel like a part of the family, I always wished to be one of them, but it feels so unrealistic to be one of them. I still feel like an outsider. Just like in my own family. Is it madness?
- No, sometimes it takes a while, to feel comfortable around people.
- Yes. In honesty, you are more of a family to me than anyone else. I always dreamed of a loving older sister, and I found it in you, this is the most unexpected happiness of my life.
- Oh, sweet girl, that is how I feel for you. I'm an only child, but when you become a part of my life, I gained a friend and a sister.
They pulled each other into a hug. Nothing is better, than founding your family, the one you never had, but always hoped to have.
After Gen left, she had an unexpected visitor. Her Mother, they haven't spoken to each other in three weeks.
- Penelope!
She nodded, feeling uneasy, not knowing what to do.
- Can we talk? Please, I know I don't deserve to be listened to, I just want to talk to you, if you let me.
She sighed. Well, it will be easier to hear her out, than go back to the day, at least for a while she doesn't have to focus on the suffocating pain, that is destroying her soul, she can only focus on that suffocating pain, which is her Mother. It is ironic that she is the lesser evil from two painful things.
She nodded, then sat down on the sofa and sent Rae off to get tea.
- You have time to talk, still she comes back.
Her Mother sat next to her and started to explain.
- When you confronted me, I had to realise, that you are right. I wasn't a loving Mother and any chance I've got, I either used it to insult you or ignore you. I wasn't able to give you the love you deserve and I became the person I never wanted to be. My own Mother.
- Grammy? But she was so sweet and you…
- I'm not? Right? – she laughed painfully. . – The Grandmother you have and the Mother I have, are very different women. She was always so cold and practical, she criticized everything in me. I hoped for love and happiness in marriage, but she made me marry your Father, which broke me and destroyed the person I was. Then when you were born and you weren't a boy… My marriage with your Father became a lot worse. I was angry at you, for not being the heir, everyone hoped you to be, and because I couldn't bear children anymore I was even angrier, so I named you after my Mother, out of hatred. Which made you her favourite. She became the most wonderful Grandmother, gave you all the love of hers I always craved for. And the fact that you actually look a lot like her, did not help me either. I saw her in you, and I felt like you stole my Mother, the one I never had from me. Without realising it, I punished you for it. You never deserved it, my jealousy, my pain, my neglect and ignorance, the painful words I said to you. I hurt you, instead of being a good Mother to you.
- And this is why you let everyone, even Prudence and Philippa hurt me?
- Yes. - she hung her head in shame. – I know that I should have been better, but I couldn't, I couldn't give you the love you deserve, the love I feel for you, out of my pain and jealousy. Just because you reminded me so much of your Grandmother. I wish to be better, if you give me a chance, I try to be the Mother you deserve. I know it will never erase all those years of mistreatment, but maybe our future relationship can be something good.
- I don't think I'm ready for it. I just feel so much pain right now, that waking up every day and living is a challenge, I feel suffocated, I feel like there is a knife in my heart it makes me bleed, my whole body is cold, than on fire, the pain always changes its forms, but never goes away. I like to give you a chance one day, but right now, I can't. I just can't.
- I understand. I will wait, till you are ready.
Rae entered the room with the tea, her Mother excused herself and left, so as Rae, who gave her time to think. When she sipped the tea, it was cold. Dear Rae! She gave them time.
Colin:
He came home with the pastries his wife asked for and saw his Mother-in-law leave the house, so he basically ran into the building like it was on fire, to look after Pen, to know how she was.
She was sitting in the drawing room, silently. Before he could ask her, she told her about the visit, and what her Mother said to her. He doesn't know, if he should be angry or ashamed. He felt that jealousy too, because of her success as a writer. It was ungentlemanly and unfair towards her. He should have been happy for her, that she found her purpose, but he acted like the boy, who lost his favourite toy.
He needed to come clean about this feeling. Their marriage will only work, if they are ready to communicate with each other, and act openly when it comes to their feelings and thoughts.
- I have to tell you something, I am not proud of.
- What is that?
- I felt that jealousy before. Towards you. Before we met at the streets in front of the modiste, I was angry at you, but after that, I truly forgave you, for the things you wrote, and I realised, that there was some true in your words about my character. In fact, that was reality. But when the Queen crashed our wedding, the anger was taken over by this nasty feeling of jealousy. After that, I was just jealous. Because of your success as a writer, because you have a purpose, because I felt you don't need me, not the way I want you to need me. But just because I gave you something, that is good, doesn't mean it is good for you. I did not know how to be a husband to a woman like you, who doesn't need money or status or security, just love and support. It took me so long to come to terms with that, and the feeling I was afraid to admit to myself. I felt less of a man, and I was because I let my insecurities take over and separate me from you. A real man would have been there for you, to talk about these things, talk them through, but I was so jealous, so I wasn't there…
- I only needed you to talk to me, to tell me, that your love is there, and we are going to get through this. I would never have made you gave me the things you don't want to give. I would never force such things. And yes. I'm angry a little bit, because you put me through this pain, only out of jealousy, but you were also traumatised already for what happened to Marina, and this situation must've benn bring out those memories. I do understand your feelings, and I know jealousy too. I was jealous of you in the beginning of the season, and I told you that, but I was also jealous of you having such a loving family, when I did not have that. I know this feeling.
- So you don't hate me for it?
- No! I could never hate you, I can be angry, but hate you… I will never. And when it comes to writing…
- Yes?
- Colin. Don't compare yourself to me. My writing is my soul, my identity, my voice when I was silenced in the world, the good and bad parts in me, everything I am afraid and hope to be, it is a part of me. What I wrote is different from yours. I wrote about harsh things, gossip, and I use that gossip as a basis to comment on society itself. To analyse it, maybe even understand it. You wrote about stories of your travels, they are novels, with beautiful metaphors, similes, allegories and symbols, you create anecdotes and adventures. Your writing is gentle, it has a soul, you describe places in a way, that it makes the reader feel like they are there with you. You make everything alive. This is your talent. And it is just as equally unique as mine. You have no reason to be jealous. What you wrote about, only you can put it into words, no one else. Only you can bring those words to life. And listen to me: I always loved your writing, your letters, because they are gorgeous, and I wouldn't say that, if it weren't true.
He was crying. No wonder people are so captivated by her words, because she is captivating. She is a marvel, a siren, a goddess. And he is the lucky man, because he can call himself her husband.
Mother was right. The only thing you need is communication. He lost so much time with her, when he played the brooding hero, if he just talked to her, they would have been fine a lot sooner. He is not going to waste anymore time.
- I love you!
She smiled and hugged him.
- Do you want me to read from my journals?
- Do you really have to ask this? – she teased him.
They went back to their room and spent the afternoon reading, joking and talking about structures and placement and everything two writers, two souls, who are made for each other, can talk, then the night came and they slept in each other's arms.
Chapter 6: Bath of pain
Colin:
Eloise came to visit Penelope, and after the last time she was here… He really doesn't want this meeting to happen. He was afraid of Pen's reaction. She is seemingly well now, but you never know how she will be in the next minute. Something changes her mood by reminding her of the pain or she just became overfloated by the emotions, and she completely breaks down. Some days she laughs, some days, she spends the entire day crying in the bed. He is trying his best to be there for her, but it is not easy. They talked through their issues and that put them into a better place, a place where she can accept his help and love, that makes things just a little bit easier. But even with that, it is hard to support her, it doesn't matter, how desperately he wants to help her, there is a wall between them. A place he can't go, where she hides the worst part of her pain, and she doesn't seem to want to let him in there. He feels like she doesn't want that part to heal, and he can't help her, if she doesn't want that. He can go till the point, as long as she allows it. He would never cross her boundaries.
But he also can't help himself, his instinct telling him, to protect her with every cost, so he starts eavesdropping on his sister and wife. His proudest moment? No. Is it necessary? Yes.
- There is one thing, I wanted to ask from you, for quite some time. How could you write such things about yourself? Especially after the lessons between you and Colin came out?
Well, he honestly did not count on that question, or that this will be, what they are talking about, but there was a significant amount of their conversation, what he missed. And he actually wants to know the answer to this question, he just wasn't in the position to ask.
- It is what everybody thinks, so it's not like a new thing.
- But that is the Ton, and not reality.
She was silent. Why doesn't Pen say anything? Oh no!
- Wait, you think, it is reality? Pen, this is what you think about yourself?
- At that time… Yes. I never wrote lies. This is my rule, that even if it is gossip, it has to be the true, or at least half true. If it prevents something worse from happening, the bad things aren't so bad then, and some people just need to be called out. Besides, if one doesn't want to end up in the papers, why do they do such things? Or why they don't hide it better? Or even simpler: why do they talk about it? As soon as someone says it, it is public information. Don't get me wrong, I know this isn't enterily right, I did what i did. Now I had to live with it.
Well, that is one way to look at it, and maybe her logic has some fault in it, but just like she said: it also isn't entirely wrong.
- Well, I'm not sure, if I agree with you, but I see your point. I know. Me? Understanding what I don't agree with? Shocking!
They laughed. He missed their laugh. Especially Pen's.
- Why did you start? Writing, I mean… You didn't want to give up so much, and then you did it for Colin, the only reason why you wrote the last Whistledown to help me and protect me from Cressida.
Wait, what? Well that makes sense, after reading the fake column. She did it for El. He just had to hear her out, to understand.
- Well, do you remember what I wrote in the first issue?
- You quoted Byron…
- Not that. About my family. Three missus, forced on the marriage mart by their tasteless, tactless Mama. The analogy is a bit exaggerated, I admit, but the point still gets across. I felt voiceless in my home, no one listened to me, I was alone. Being Whistledown gave me an opportunity to voice my opinion, to be heard, by using my passion for writing. Writing is who I am. I can't exist without it. I tried many times, but I couldn't. Giving her up, would be like if you have to give up for your passion for women's rights and advocating. She is a part of who I am. My best and my worst, everything I wanted to be, and everything I was afraid to be openly. My bravery, my wit, my intelligence and my soul. She is my creative outlet, the air I am breathing. Because this is who I am a writer.
- And I asked you to give up your talent.
- No. You asked me to give up a part of my identity, to cut out a part of myself, giving up a piece of me, of my personality.
God! I truly did not understand what I was actually asking from her.
- Without being Lady Whistledown, I was suffocating, cutting out a part of yourself is killing you, you slowly lose interest in life, you slowly burn the little pieces, till nothing is left behind. Till it devastates you, till you fade away. Denying who you are is the biggest form of death, because how one can live, without being themselves? That is not life. That is misery. An artist can't exist without their art.
- I should have understood it, without you needing to explain. You were right when you said I can't see things, only from my own perspective.
-It isn't easy. Existing like this. When the most important part of you being cut out… When they ripped that piece of you, you can't exist without… - Her breath was shaking, her hands clutched her dress at her stomach.- It is like.. it is…
He ran into the room, right in the minute when she started crying. He pulled her in, as strongly as it was possible. The wall started to crumble.
Penelope:
I couldn't stop crying. It was like everything that held me together till this point started to fall apart. I just clung into him while he holds me tight. He sent El home, she didn't want to go, he insisted. Just the two of us left, and the cold, screaming pain in the room.
I don't want the pain to go away, if it does, then it wasn't real. That sweet little thing wasn't real. The face I never saw, the body I never held, the little fingers that didn't squeeze mine, the eyes whose colour I can only imagine... It wasn't real. But I wanted it to be. The pain keeps them alive, and as much as I wanted it someday, to go away, it can't. Losing the pain would be losing them again. The girl or the boy, the sweet angel who would have called me Mama… I can't lose them over and over again.
Colin took me to the wash closet, apparently, he ordered Rae, to warm up some water. I must have been crying for hours because I didn't even notice. He sent everyone out, then started dressing me down, and helped me into the water, picked up a sponge and soap, then he started washing my body, my arms, my back, my legs...
- What do you feel? Tell me! You can tell me everything. I know I'm probably not the biggest help, but I am and will be here with you. I promise.
How can I put it into words? How can I tell him, how it feels?
- I don't know how to describe it. It is so much.
- Then don't describe it. Just scream it.
- You need to find a way, to let it all out. Let it all out.
- Maybe…
- If it bothers you, that someone can hear it, just let out a silent scream.
I thought about it, maybe he is right. So I did. Then I felt a knife in my chest, and the crying started again. He hugged me, tight.
- It hurts so much! It feels like dying, I am suffocating. It's like the most important part of me has been cut out and I have to live without it, but that's not life. I don't want it to be. I want them to be there, with me, in my arms, I just want my child back, I want to be it's Mom, I just want to get them back…
I cried, I sobbed, creamed, I wanted to die. To be with my baby.
- This is unfair. This isn't right. This shouldn't be reality.
- No. It is not.
I looked at him. He was crying too. The air sucked out of my lungs.
- Oh, come here, come here.
I hugged him, and we cried. We cried together.
- Come, in. Come into the water.
He didn't object. He took off his clothes and entered next to me. We huddled in the water and kissed for the first time in two months. It was slow, it was painful yet like a healing touch, it was air and its absence. It was everything I needed, and I hope he needed it too. I caressed his face, he caressed my hair. Then we touched our foreheads.
- Tell me how you feel. Now I am the one who is listening.
He looked at me with teary eyes, and I gently touched his face.
- You are important, your pain is important, your feelings matter. You put me first. Now let me put you first.
Then he started to open up to me.
Chapter 7: She is a Mother, without a baby
Colin:
- I really don't know how I feel. I did not think about it before, just thought about you and what you need. Admittedly, not just because I wanted to be there for you, but it gave me a chance not to think about how I feel.
- And now? If you think about it?
- It hurts, it hurts so much, because it is unfair. We are not supposed to feel like this, it should be happiness, waiting for them to be born, not grieving them before we even meet. Parents are not supposed to grieve their child.
- No, we are not. It isn't right. No one deserves this. We should be together, we should be happy and loved, not in pain. I hate this so much.
- I hate it too.
He hugged her. It was relief, letting their pain out, letting it float in the air. They were so close to each other, like they never been before, because all of their defences and walls and armour was gone, crumbled, broken. Everything was see-through, and real, and vulnerable. No lines between them, just the pure connection.
- Can I wash your hair?
It took him by surprise, without registering it, he nodded a yes. So she gently poured the water over his hair so that the soap could dissolve, then began massaging the lavender scent into it. It was ecstatic. He never felt more relaxed, like when her fingers slowly rummaged through his locks, cleaning and massaging them. Her touch filled him with complete calmness. Then she poured water on his curls, cleaning them. When she finished washing his hair, he opened his eyes, which was closed the whole time and they were lost in each other's look. He kissed her with love, and passion and with an all-absorbing tenderness to make her feel that she meant the world to him.
- Can I wash your hair, too?
He didn't realise how long he wanted to hold those red locks between his fingers, it was the most intimate time together in the world.
- Yes.
She smiled at him, and he started the process, making her feel as good as possible. She smiled under the whole, so he assumed, she liked what he was doing. Gently washing her the top of her head, almost caressing it. It was all about connection, an intimate reunion between the two of them. Slowly cleaning her hair, enjoying the moment. After he finished, they kept kissing, he had no idea, how long.
Finally, they got out of the tub, towelled off, and snuck into their room. Almost jumping on the bed, continue kissing. They have been there for hours. The heat became stronger, they could barely breathe. They missed each other so much, they spend the night rediscovering their relationship, strengthening the bond between the two of them.
- Do you want me to…
- What? – she asked.
- To do a little bit more? Not much, just a bit more?
She nodded, so he went to her boobs, and had a splendid time there, judging from her voice, she was also having fun. She ran her hand through his hair and pulled it a little. It sent waves down his spine, he moaned.
- Ahh…
He looked at her with pleasure, and mischief flashed in her eyes. She pulled his hair again. He moaned, without control, and she had a joyful smile. Nothing is better than discovering new things and according to them he loves it when his wife pulls his hair. He might end up bald, but it's absolutely worth it. She did it again, and giggled at his reaction.
- Oh so that is how you wanna play?
She looked confused, then he picked up a pillow and hit her with it, with a smirk on his face. The mischievous eyes flashed again, she suddenly picked up a another pillow and slammed it against him, then they slapped each other with the pillows until they couldn't breath, laughing under the whole time. When she hit a little harder, the pillow tore, and the feathers flew into the air, covering the bed.
They collapsed on it, her head was on his chest. The room was filled with laughter and love, and he knew that from now on, they will be fine. Their pain will never go away, but they have each other, and that is what matters the most.
Penelope:
She didn't know what to do. Colin left the house to say good bye to Kate and Anthony, because they went to travel into India. She wasn't strong enough to leave the house yet, so she stayed alone. Colin wanted to be with her, but she encouraged him to go and see them before they left.
She felt her heart aching, and wanted to let it all out. So she chose the only way, she knew how, the way, it always helped her. She wrote.
"My Dear Child!
There is so much to say, and there is so little I am capable of doing, putting my heart's desires and fears into words, but I try. I truly do.
I love you, I will always love you. I wish I could meet with you one day, after I follow you into the light, I wish to see your face and memorise every little detail of it. Right now, it is just a wish, but I believe I will see you one day, this gives me the strength to live, the hope that we will see each other one day.
I hope my heart will recognise you, I hope I know instantly who you are. You will have my red locks, or your father's chestnut hair? What kind of colour is your eye? Blue, green, brown or just the darkest of the night?
Who would have you become? A musician, like your aunt Francesca? An artist like your uncle Benedict? Would you have your aunt Hyacinth's instinct and mischievous nature? Or your aunt Eloise's spirit, ready for the next fight? You would have become a gentle soul, like your Grandma Violet, or had a practical worldview like my Mother? Could you have become an author, like your Father and I? Or you would be like none of us? An entirely new being, someone who sees the world differently from us?
I am sure, you would have been an amazing and magnificent person, or this is just my blind love speaking, for a parent, every child of theirs is unique and special. You would have an adventurous spirit, always ready for fun and jokes, maybe love a little quiet time, while you read your favourite book. I am not sure about it, but it doesn't matter, how would you turn out, I would have loved you.
I would also love to teach you things, like writing and reading, cooking and drawing, how to be able to stand on your own in the world, but also accept the help, when you need it, I would have loved watching you grow up and discover the world.
You left a forever empty hole in my heart, which will never be filled, it will always be yours. Wherever you are, I hope you are happy, you don't suffer and joy always finds you. I will never forget you, all my love belongs to you.
Yours truly:
Your Mother, who will always love you"
She finished the letter, and felt a little relief, but her heart was still in pain. Why is she trying to lie to herself? She is not a Mother anymore.
The next day, for the first time in months, she left the house and went to visit Genevieve. It was Sunday and the shop was closed, so they had an easier time to chat.
- I'm happy, most of the time, but there is a part of me, which still feels empty. I'm supposed to be a Mother, but I truly feel like an empty vessel, the place, my child should fill is gone.
- But you are a Mother.
- Gen, I lost my child, I am not one.
- You are. Just because your child isn't with you, it doesn't take away from your motherhood. It is different, than for most Mothers, but no less. You carried and loved that child, you were a Mother from the moment when you knew about its existence, even if it was just a few seconds. It doesn't take away the love you felt, that love makes you a Mother.
She felt her heart aching from the pain, the tears falling down on her face.
- A Mother does not stop being a mother, even if her child is not with her. I... I lost a child too. I miss them every day. I was, am and will be a mother as long as I live, as long as the spirit of my child and my love for them live in my soul. Pain never goes away, but love makes everyday life bearable. You have to find reasons to live and love, live for the child so that the days are not in vain. We are Mothers, no less.
They hugged each other, because there was no place for words. Let out the pain they felt, the two women healed in each other's arms because of sisterly love and shared pain.
When she went home she found Colin in the Library, reading a book. He was lost in the story of it, so she just sat down and watched her husband read. An hour later, he looked up and smiled at her.
- How was your walk?
- It was good, I met with a friend.
- Eloise?
- You assume I have only one friend? – she said jokingly.
- Well, who else?
- Genevieve. Madam Delacroix became a friend of mine in my second season. She is the person I can talk to about everything, she became a sister to me. I think you would like her too.
- I will, I like everyone who is good to you.
She went to him and sat on one of his thighs, she wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned her head against his as Colin wrapped his arms around her waist.
- I love this. I love you.
She looked him in the eye.
- I love you, too.
The first time in months, she was able to say it, and mean it. She loved him with all her heart. She loved their unborn child with all her heart and that love will let her go forward. She is Mother now and always will be.
Epilogue:
They were in their study, writing together, it became their daily routine, writing in the mornings was the happiest way to start. They edited each other's work, put little notes on the papers. It is all about trust, letting someone see your most private thoughts, and helping you find the structure, the right word, or showing you that this sentence isn't working in the context. Editing is a hard job, because you have to rewrite sentences to make them understandable, cross out parts that don't fit, correct mistakes, and you have to do all these things with integrity, while keeping the author's style, instead of turning it into your own. It requires proper taste and vision. Working together is the best thing for all these reasons.
It gives more depth to their relationship. It takes a big amount of trust letting someone criticize and edit your work, especially how sensitive authors can be, because we are emotionally attached to our work/characters/story/voice. Putting yourself out there, in your most vulnerable state, and letting someone have an opinion about yourself, because every author puts a little piece from themselves into their work.
It gave their relationship a new found depth, and Penelope never felt Colin more closer to her. This particular story she was working on was especially dear to her heart, she hoped he would love it too. When she finished the story, she gave it to her husband, and watched him read.
" Once upon a time there was a young girl who met a boy. The wind blew her yellow head cover of her head, and it hit him while he was riding on his horse, which resulted in landing the mud.
She couldn't help but fear his reaction, but instead of harsh words, she finds the kindest soul she ever met. It took time for them, to find their way to each other, but the road was worth it.
He falls off the horse, and she falls in love with him, even before she knows what it means to be in love. That love grew by each day, it flourished and gained depth while they got to know each other and become friends.
Years later they joined their hands in marriage. The road was difficult till the happy end, with pain and losses, but their love was strong enough to get them through the hard times.
It wasn't thunder from the sky, it wasn't perfection, but years of love and commitment to each other. They choose to be together every time, they choose to love each other even in the hard times, because if you love someone, you don't give them up, you fight for them. Their friendship helped them through the conflict, because living in a reality without their friend was unimaginable. They were friends first, lovers second. They were each other's rocks."
He stood up and kissed her, stating the story doesn't need any editing, but continuation, and it will continue till their very last breath. He touched her belly gently and put a kiss on it.
- I hope they inherit your talent and spirit.
She hoped they would be healthy and there with them. She hoped for their life to be alive. She hoped in a way only a Mother can. She hoped for every Mother and Child and Father. She hoped for every Family. She hoped for her Family.
Just stay with us, little one. Please, stay with us. She hoped in her heart for her Child.
