Chapter 11
TRIGGER WARNING: The following chapter contains depictions of self-harm, and mentions of SA and abuse. Please proceed with caution.
Kagome
Another training session with Kaede is coming to a close with little success. I'm just too tired to function right now and much too tired for Reiki.
"Come on, Kagome. Focus." Kaede says yet again. I furrow my brow, trying to concentrate on focusing my reiki ahead of me to her target, but instead, it fizzles out around me before fading away. I exhale, a deep, irritated sound that does nothing to quell my anger.
"Sorry, Kaede." I groan, sitting down on the floor to rest my exhausted body.
"No need to be sorry. It's a process. You couldn't even access your reiki a few weeks ago without intense emotions. Take the little victories." She assures me, but the words feel hollow.
"It just feels hopeless," I say, resting my head on my knees. I hear her step close to me before she clatters to the floor and puts a hand on my elbow.
"I know." She says quietly, with all the understanding in the world. "You're doing great." She reassures, and we sit in silence for a while. It's nice to feel like someone understands, even if it's just in this one specific corner of my life.
When I finally shut the front door behind her, I'm lost in my head. As I reach the living room, I notice how overwhelmingly quiet the house is—entirely too quiet. It feels sterile and empty inside. Flipping the light on only makes it feel worse, so I flip the switch again and use the television as a light source instead.
The smart TV flickers as the home screen shuffles through advertisements and free shows. I stare back at the screen, unmoving, while the thoughts in my head overrun. It's flickers of thoughts and memories that I can't even keep up with: holding Shippo in the foyer of my childhood home, my mother's tears when she saw me again, lying in bed with Inuyasha and Sango just wishing to feel something that isn't pain. It's an unending stream that ends where they all usually do.
Koga.
I remember the time he put his fist through the TV when his team lost a game. All of the times he threw a bottle at the wall, just missing me, the warning clear that next time he wouldn't—all of the holes in the walls that gave way to broken bones and lacerated skin. The nights when I would say no, but he would pretend he didn't hear me.
Endless misery. And unfortunately for me, misery loves company, despite the fact that I am all alone. I click off the TV and force myself to stand on shaky legs. Sango should be home soon, and I'm sure Inuyasha won't be far behind. I just need to make it a little longer. Pulling my phone from my pocket, I find a message waiting for me.
Sango [5:32PM] Be home late. Lmk what you wanna eat and I'll grab it.
Great, even more time alone. I consider, for a moment, texting to check in on Inuyasha, but after some contemplation, I decide not to bother him. Sweaty skin reminds me that I was just training, so maybe I will feel a little more human after a shower. I bustle around, getting ready and letting the water heat up. The silence of the house is suddenly deafening in my ears; they ring with the sound of nothing, and it feels like it's closing in on me. Focus on the water, Kagome.
I take a few deep breaths as my heart rate ticks up and up and up. I can feel the palpitations against my skin and muscle and bone, and slowly, the ringing silence is replaced with the sound of my own heart hammering away inside of me.
Music. I need music. I turn on my favorite song and crank the volume all the way up to max to drown it all out. The familiar melody is soothing, and I momentarily feel a little less alone as the palpitations seem to slow. I can do this. I'm fine. The warm water greets my skin as I step into the stream. The music surrounds me, but I can't find my voice to sing along. It's a hollow addition to the torment inside of me.
Standing there alone, with the song reaching its emotional climax about feeling alone in a crowded room, is enough to cause the break. The tenuous hold on my psyche snapped so fast that I didn't even register falling to my knees.
This feeling gnawing away inside my chest is love. Stupid, misplaced, horrible love. Love for Sango, love for Inuyasha, and nowhere to fucking put it. That's why I feel so alone today, because they have each other, and I have no one. Because love is awful and painful, and it destroys. Inuyasha's words that night in my childhood bedroom came rushing back to me, saying, 'Love doesn't have to hurt and take.' He meant it, and he feels it. They both do, and I just know that no one would ever feel that for me.
I am alone. I am always alone. I will always be alone. I'm not worth loving. Everyone, one day, will leave me or ask too much of me. How can I still feel something that should have died so many years ago? A sob violently tears through my throat, and I let myself cry, unable to quell the pain. Life has to hurt me. It's just the way it is.
In the back of my mind something stirs that isn't unfamiliar. The urge to hurt myself growing stronger and stronger, taking root until it's the only option. The only thing that will stop the pain. Maybe if I pick up the razor— and then the world numbs away and gets fuzzy around the edges.
Silence.
Beautiful silence for just a moment.
I don't hear his frantic footsteps, but suddenly, arms make their way around me and snap me back to reality. I feel fingers pry the razor I don't realize I'm holding from my fingers and toss it across the room. A tongue brushes against my wrist to clean the blood and seal the wound. Blood? Wound? When did that happen? But there's no time to think. I curl up into his chest and continue to sob against him. It won't stop. This pain and loneliness is a bottomless pit that only comes back stronger once the numbness disappears as though it were never there.
"Shh. It's okay. I've got you, bonsai." Inuyasha whispers to me. He holds me tight in his arms and rocks back and forth. I press myself against him, locking my arms behind his neck in a vice so he has no choice but to continue holding me.
I can't shake the feeling that he doesn't want to be here. Here I am, this mess of a person, crying so loud that her friend, who already has to be her helicopter, had to come hold her while she fell to pieces—forced to comfort her. And I hate myself for loving it—wishing he would stay—wishing he would be happy to be here holding me.
"I'm sorry," I whisper against his shoulder.
"What for?" He asked.
"You shouldn't have to pick me up off the floor," I explained, my voice breaking with every other word.
His answering sigh confirmed my suspicions, exasperation. He doesn't want to be here. My answering feeling is guilt and shame for what I've done and for burdening him with this. Then, he speaks again as though hearing my thoughts.
"You're not a burden. You're anything but a burden." He said insistently, kissing the top of my head. I don't deserve that, whether it's true or not.
The sobs don't stop for quite a while, but he never lets go. Like the saint he is, he just holds me, not speaking or chastising or beleaguering as I expect. There is just calm silence as we rock together on the tile. At least thirty minutes are spent on the bathroom floor, sopping wet and cold.
"I feel so empty." I confide in him between sobs.
"I'm so sorry. This is the worst I've ever seen you." He says, running soft fingers down my cheek as I look up at him with hollow eyes. "Come on, let's get you out of here." He decides, moving to stand with me still in his arms, carrying me to his room. He deposits me on the bed, still wrapped in my towel, now shivering. "Let me grab you some clothes." He offers and moves to leave the room. I grab his arm and pull him against me, letting the towel fall to the floor.
"Please stay," I whisper to him, not caring that my naked body is pressed against him, only fighting with all of my strength to pull him closer. His hands gently come to encircle my waist, holding me while I shake and cry yet again.
"Kagome." He starts to pull back and pulls his sweatshirt over his head. "Here." He pulls it over mine, and once I'm covered, one of his hands comes to rest against my cheek. I lean desperately into his touch. "You know how much I care about you, right?" He asks. I stare back at him, face close to his, wanting so badly to seek some physical comfort from my pain. His lips are so close to mine, and for a moment, it feels like he's going to lean in. It's all I want in that moment, the press of his lips against mine.
The bedroom door bursts open, and a frazzled Sango follows.
"What is going on?" She demands, her face so filled with worry that I can't stand it.
"I-" I start to talk, but I can't do it. I can't say the words out loud. Instead, I just bury my head against Inuyasha. "I'm sorry," I whisper; she falls to the bed, taking my arm delicately and holding it, pulling back the sleeve to stare down at the marks that Inuyasha managed to seal.
"Oh, Kagome. I thought you were doing better" Tears are falling when she pulls me into her arms, and I can hear her disappointment. I somehow know it's not for me; her disappointment is for herself.
"Some days are still so hard. I don't know what happened; I just couldn't take it." I sob, letting her comfort me and knowing that right now, it's more for her than me. She scoffs audibly.
"Nothing needed to happen, love. You've been through so much. I'm sorry I left you alone. This is my fault." Guilt. That's all I can feel. She is blaming herself, as she always does, for my shortcomings. She wants to take the reigns and protect me. She wants me to be her responsibility.
"It's not your fault." I try to reassure her, but I just can't muster the energy. "And this isn't about you." I'm angry as I pull myself from her arms. "You can't watch me every moment of every day, Sango. And the more pressure you put on yourself, the less space you have to do the things you want to do.
"I know that I'm fragile and broken, but would it kill you to not treat me like I'm all your responsibility? You can't take it all away. You can't keep blaming yourself for my relationship choices. You can't keep babying me and keeping me from the hard shit." I pause for a breath, feeling so many words I need to say, finally forcing themselves out.
"You know, I didn't want you to talk to my family without me. I wasn't ready for all of that yet, and you taking it out of my hands wasn't helpful. I have to do some things myself. How do I do better when you're my helicopter?" The words are true, but even I can tell they're harsh through my anger.
"When Koga found me again at the gardens, something pivotal inside me broke again. I was doing so much better, but now I feel I've started over completely. The only thing I can hear in my head is that I need to do better for you. Be better for you. Show you that your influence is pushing me to make progress.
"I didn't try to kill myself. I just needed a reprieve. I needed the pain to stop. But none of that matters right now. You have to stop killing yourself over me! It's only going to mean we both go down. I can't watch you do that. I can't see you die for someone else like I did. Please. Not when I love you with the voracity that I do." I'm begging, pleading with her to hear me.
"K-kagome." She stutters, staring back at me with wide eyes. "I didn't mean to-" She takes a deep breath. "I just want to help you, Kags. I want to take back all of the damage my stupidity caused you in the first place. I want to be able to support you and help you get through this. I'm trying to be the person you need me to be."
"I need you to be you! You've always been enough for me, Sango! Every day we've known each other, you've been enough. I love you exactly as you are. God fucking damn it. I love you. I love you so much it hurts. I love you so much that it's tearing me apart. I don't know how to hold this and keep you at arm's length and give myself room to heal from all of the fucked up shit that keeps happening to me. But in all of this, you're the fucking light at the end of the tunnel. You're what keeps me going when I want to give up. I'm in love with you, and I have no idea how to handle that!" I'm screaming the words at her, unsure how to stop them once they start. Much quieter, I add, "All I know is that I need you."
Suddenly, her lips are against mine, my arms wrapping around her neck and pulling her closer on instinct. It's a passionate kiss, but it doesn't go deeper. It feels like an expression of love, not searching for more. Every pass of her skin against mine is like a burning inside my soul, straining and fighting to free itself. To consume us both. But it doesn't feel dangerous in the way it has before. It feels like I'm burning up in her sun and letting her light show me the way. It's terrifying. When she pulls back, she rests her forehead against mine.
"I'm sorry, Kags. I don't deserve you." She whispers, and I can hear the horseness of tears in her voice. That's wrong.
"You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be cared for. You deserve to be safe." I parrot her words back to her, resting my head against her shoulder. When her hand wraps up in my hair, I feel sheer panic at the prospect of everything we're talking about. Right now, this isn't just friendship. There is so much more under the surface.
"God, how does anyone do this with another person? I can't do this." I pull away from her and rest my head against my bent knees, trying to catch my breath as it rasps in and out of my throat with great effort.
"Tell me why, love. What about this is so wrong?" She asks, hands wrapping around mine. She doesn't push me further; she just sits before me on the bed and waits.
My mind is a spiral of feelings. I don't understand what love is supposed to look like anymore. Even with someone like Sango, am I really safe letting myself fall? I've been trying to keep my distance, pushing my desires into other things to lessen them, but right now, it feels like I've been doing it all wrong. I can't protect my heart when I can't even find it in the first place.
"Me. I'm wrong. I don't know how to manage this. And if we were together, what then? Am I even ready for that? What about our friendship? What about how broken I am? What about Inuyasha?" I ask the question and hear his intake of breath from the corner of the room. When I glance up I see he's frozen against the wall as he watches this happen in front of him. Sango takes a deep, steadying breath that only serves to increase my anxiety while I wait for her response.
"You made me promise to share how I'm feeling with you while I'm feeling it, so here's what I have for you." She says, cupping my chin with her hand to redirect my focus back to her. Her eyes bore into mine, and I see a softness there that I don't think I've seen for a decade. It's like she's bearing something to me that she hasn't before. "There is nothing wrong with you, Kagome. You are doing exactly what you're supposed to do right now, and that's focusing on you. You get to be selfish and reckless while you heal; I see that now. I love you. I have always, always loved you, and I have enough room in my heart for both of you." She admits.
"I'm scared," I say simply.
"Me too." She agrees with a light laugh.
"Are you saying we should try?" I ask, voice breaking as I try to find any words to say back to her.
"Not that we should, but that we could. If you wanted, but this has to be something you do for you, not for me. This has to go at your pace. That's the only way." She says, and I nod back at her while my brows knit together in thought.
"My pace." I echo her words, and everything stills around me for a moment.
That's very new, and I find myself wanting something right now, something physical to help calm the raging storm this day has brewed up in my body and mind. I reach a hand out to Inuyasha and coax him toward the bed. He tentatively takes steps toward us until he can reach and entwine our fingers. I pull him down to the bed and roll myself to the middle so they're lying on either side of me.
"I'm sorry I scared you today," I whisper as I watch him settle under the blankets beside me.
"I'm just glad you're okay."
"Earlier, you asked me if I knew how important I was to you." I remind, waiting for his answering nod. "Well, I have the same question," I say, but he shakes his head.
"What do you mean?" He asks.
"You're important to me too. Did you know that?"
"I do now." He says very quietly.
"Can we pick up where we left off earlier?" I ask, tilting my head up toward him, but it takes seconds for his lips to connect with mine. Our breaths meet in a relieved sigh, finally quenching this thirst that has been scratching at us for weeks. His open palm warms my hip as he pulls me just a little closer to him
Sango's fingers thread with his and prompt me to roll over in her direction. Her soft lips meet mine, and a moan of appreciation leaves her. Kissing her is so gentle, and I find myself figuring out how to guide what I want.
I deepen the kiss and groan as her tongue slides against mine. I roll toward her and straddle her with my body, pressing her into the bed. I feel like I can't get close enough. She wraps her arms around me and pulls me over to her. Inuyasha's fingers thread in my hair, and I feel his lips against my neck. I feel desire building inside of me, and it only takes me a moment to realize this is the first time I've felt anything akin to arousal since I came here to stay.
I pull back and take a breath. My hands shake as I cover my eyes while the panic sets in. Sango sits up, concerned, and Inuyasha lets me press my back against his front while I try to breathe. I can feel the guilt of disappointing them set in.
"I'm sorry. We can keep going-" I start to offer, but she stops me, placing her hands on either side of my face.
"Look at me." She says, and I meet her gaze hesitantly. "You set the pace here. This is about your comfort. Don't worry about me, don't worry about him; whatever you want or don't want is what we do. No pressure. No expectations. Just love." She says. Her words bring tears to my eyes, and I lean forward to rest my head on her shoulder. I don't trust myself to speak, so I nod.
"I want to feel in control of my body. I don't want to be lost in this." I admit, sighing with exasperation at the conflict between what my heart, body, and mind all want right now. They are not on the same page.
"Then take control. You lead, we follow. Whatever you want, I will give you." Inuyasha says sincerely, ducking out from behind me to meet my eyes next to us on the mattress.
"Can I touch you?" I ask Sango.
"Anywhere." She agrees, sitting back to let me do what I want.
I start simple, pressing my lips against hers again and letting the feel and smell of her around me completely. I'm safe. This is Sango. I remind myself, and I feel my nerves start to calm.
Her response to my lips on hers spurs me forward, and I hook a leg over her lap so I can sit on top of her, pushing her further into the headboard as my hands twist up in her hair. I don't get to see it down often, and as I tug at the roots, she moans quietly. It sends little zaps of desire down my spine.
"You can touch me back," I whisper, disconnecting my mouth from hers for just long enough to say the words. She tentatively puts her hands on my hips and holds me close to her, cherishing me in a way I'm not sure anyone ever has before. When I rest my forehead against hers to take in lungfuls of air, I am reminded of the other person in the bed, patiently watching us. I roll off of her and find myself face to face with Inuyasha, who looks surprised that I broke away for him.
"You still don't believe me, do you?" I ask, touching my nose against his.
"I just can't believe that I'm lucky enough to have earned any affection from you." He responds, eyes still wide as he watches me lean in a little closer.
"Is this okay?" I ask, lips hovering over his. He answers my question by closing the distance between us again.
We spend the rest of the night curled up in each other's arms, just like that. No need to push further or pull back, enjoying each other's company in a way we never allowed ourselves to do before. All three of us share in something so unique to us that I'm convinced this is my own personal slice of heaven.
The following day, I wake up in Inuyasha's bed, tucked against their sleeping forms. Despite his relatively large bed, the three of us are about as close to each other as we can be. Sango's legs are crossed with mine, and she is using Inuyasha's arm as a pillow, with his other arm draped over my waist. I carefully extricate my legs, trying not to wake them.
Last night feels like a dream, and also some combination of a nightmare. My eyes find themselves locked on my arm, transfixed by the angry pink marks. It's not been long since I harmed myself this way, but it is the first time since Sango took me in.
Under the pink mark I can still see several faded white ones that have scarred over time as they healed. It's a reminder of my own instability and vulnerability that I don't much appreciate. However, I also can't look away from them. In the same way I look at them with disdain, I also look at them fondly. This is how I've survived this far.
The beep of the coffee pot reminds me that I'm in the kitchen for a reason, and I pull mugs off of the shelf above me. The memory of Sango and Inuyasha sleeping this morning bring a smile to my face. Maybe, just maybe, this could be okay. As soon as I think the words I shut them down. 'Don't get ahead of yourself, Kagome. One step at a time.' I scold myself, unfortunately I know my inner voice is probably right.
Before long I hear bare feet behind me.
"Morning." Inuyasha says as he walks into the room. "Got enough for two?"
"More like enough for three." I gesture to my two cups for me and Sango." I was getting yours together, but then I realized I didn't know how you like your coffee." I leave the unasked question hanging in the air and gesture at him with the mug of black coffee.
I notice his eyes are locked on my face, and his cheeks are red. Looking down at myself I realize my tank top is fully see through without a bra, and guess who definitely is not wearing one? I clear my throat nervously, and cross an arm over my chest.
"Cream and sugar?" I ask more directly how he would like his coffee this time, and swivel around to keep my back to him. I'm not used to him looking at me with that kind of desire, and I can feel my body flushing in response.
"Yes, please." He answers simply, putting the counter's worth of distance between us. I top off his cup and my other two, adding several spoonfuls of sugar to them.
"I decided I'm going to hang out on the roof this morning. Feel free to join if you want." I say as I walk toward the steps. I turn my head to look back at him. "I promise I'll put on a sweater or something." I wink at him, trying to make light of a slightly awkward situation. I hear him choke on his coffee, and I'm sure he hears my chorus of laughter as I head up the steps. At the top I meet Sango, her hair a mess around her head as she almost passes me.
"Here." I hand her the cup. She takes a swig and makes the cutest hum of appreciation.
"An angel sent from heaven. I swear. It's even perfectly sweet." She hums again and takes another large drink. I just laugh at her sudden mood shift. She kisses my forehead before turning heel to change.
"Come to the roof with me, and possibly Inuyasha? I offered but he didn't say much." I gesture down at my shirt and Sango lets out a cackle. Inuyasha of course chooses that moment to head upstairs. When he gets to the top Sango gives him a look of mock disgust.
"Horny bastard." She shakes her head and walks into our room to change.
"Hey! I didn't do anything." He defends himself, holding his arms out to me in a what-the-fuck gesture.
"Doesn't mean you didn't want to." Sango's sing-song voice calls out from inside of our room. I just laugh and follow her in to get changed. I hear him groan as he walks toward his room.
"The death of me, you two." He grumbles, but I can hear the smile in his voice.
We've settled on the roof when I see Inuyasha and Sango sharing a look. I've curled up on a rocking chair, comfortable rocking back and forth with my coffee huddled on my lap. The clouds are fluffy and moving fast today, and the light breeze ruffles my hair. I am glad I decided to wear a sweater for the cooler weather.
"What's up?" I ask, waiting for their answers. Sango leans forward, watching me for a minute before seeming to decide that I'm okay for whatever conversation they're planning.
"We're going to have to do supervised showers only for the foreseeable future. Sharp things are going under lock and key, too." She explains, words measured as though trying not to upset me. "I just want to make sure you're safe." She says, almost pleading with me not to be upset with her.
"Sounds reasonable." I agree, taking a sip of my coffee. I know better than to push back on this one. I don't want them to be terrified every time they can't see me. She raises her eyebrows in surprise.
"That's it? You're just fine with that?"
"I mean, yeah. I fucked up and hurt myself." I say, taking a sip of coffee before continuing. "I don't want you two to have to feel responsible for me all of the time, however, there is a give and take here, right? We have to be able to trust one another, and right now you can't trust me not to hurt myself. I understand." I respond. Inuyasha frowns back at me,
"You're intelectualizing." He says simply, and I glare at him.
"I'm being realistic." I argue.
"You're deflecting, Kagome. We really need to talk about this." He says, and I scoff, irritated, knowing he's right.
"I'm just so mad at myself. I'm mad that I scared you guys. I'm mad that I gave into this desire when I know logically its not helpful. I'm mad that you can't trust me as much as you could before. I'm mad that we're inevitably starting from this place where our relationship is built around the two of you taking care of me." I take a deep shuddering breath to fill my lungs again, "But I want this to work so badly, but I need help. As terrified as I am to admit it, I need help with all of these feelings and the way they're manifesting for me." Inuyasha leans forward to help still my erratic thoughts.
"We go slow, okay. One thing at a time." Inuyasha reassures. "But the most important thing, is that you talk to us. Keep us in the loop on how you're feeling, seek us out if you need comfort. We will give you the space to let us know what you need instead of smothering you with what we think you need." His words make my chest feel warm, it's like he was able to verbalize exactly what I've been trying to convey. I smile, a bright warm smile that I feel even up to my eyes.
"That's exactly what I need." I confirm. I glance over to see Sango's pensive face. I meet her eyes with the silent question, whats wrong?
"Sorry." She says, dabbing the corner of her eye with her sleeve. "I'm being emotional."
"This goes both ways, love." Inuyasha reminds her gently, taking her hand. "You gotta talk to us too."
"It's not anyone's fault but my own. I just feel like I've been doing everything wrong." She sniffles, renewed tears cresting her eyelids. I stand, moving across the roof to sit in her lap and wrap her up in a hug. She accepts it gratefully and buries her face in my shoulder, which causes a giddy feeling to build in my stomach.
"This is a group effort. What's past is past, and we can only learn from it. We just have to do better from here on out. I'm not going to let you drown in this. I'm here for you just as much as you are for me." I say, and I feel her arms tighten around my waist as she pulls me even closer.
"I love you so much." She whispers against my skin.
"I love you too." I reply, pressing my cheek against the side of her head to get us as close as we can be.
