A/N: Hi! Happy Monday! I'm so glad so many of you are excited for Jay to be home. I'm excited too and can't wait for this next step with you all :)
A wave of nerves washed over Hailey as she approached the apartment door with Jay and Will in tow. The house was generally the same as when Jay left it, but she suddenly felt like she was bringing a boy home for the first time. She felt vulnerable in ways that she shouldn't have: she was letting him in to her home where he'd last ripped apart her life; she didn't want that to happen again.
It couldn't, though – at least, she hoped not.
She guessed that Jay could run off again and start some new life somewhere else in Chicago or another country. He could once again drop a bomb on her without bothering to ask for her opinion on the matter. She didn't want that to happen again, and, unfortunately, she didn't quite know if she trusted Jay to not do it. Maybe he was rather laid up right now and wasn't going to get too far, but in a month, a year, two years…he could leave her again.
She hated that she was even thinking that was a possibility.
Her hand shook as she placed her key in the lock and turned it. When she'd left ten days prior, everything had been a daze, and Trudy had been coaching her through her every move. She didn't quite know what to expect upon pushing the door open.
To her surprise, the apartment seemed rather clean. Nothing looked out of place or a mess. It just looked dark.
"Let's get some lights on, huh?" Will said quietly as he followed her inside. He flipped the light switch by the door then headed toward the bedroom to drop off Jay's bag.
"It smells good," Jay added once he was through the door, "Did you buy a new plug-in?"
She'd bought at least six in the last five months.
But she settled on saying, "Yeah." Closing the door behind them, she grabbed the pizza he'd been carrying and walked to place it on the kitchen island.
Like he did upon getting home every night before, Jay toed off his shoes and pushed them off to the side near their coat rack. He winced slightly, but Hailey stayed quiet while taking plates and napkins out of the cabinet. She didn't want to overwhelm him so early upon his return home.
"Should we eat some dinner?" Will asked on his way into the kitchen.
"Yeah, it smells really good," Jay said. He pulled a bar stool out and heaved himself on it with a quiet grunt.
"Got it?" Will asked.
"Mhmm," Jay hummed without meeting anyone's eyes. He accepted an empty plate from Hailey then reached to pull the pizza closer.
"I can-" Hailey began only for him to interrupt her.
"I've got it. Really."
She met Will's eyes and frowned.
Years before, Jay had said the exact same thing to them both over perhaps the exact same meal. She could think her way back to his old apartment where Will had met them about an hour after she'd driven him home with a pizza in his hand. Together, they'd sat around his living room quietly talking about anything in their lives that didn't involve Jay getting shot and almost dying.
Unfortunately, it was not exactly possible to do the same thing now. No one really had anything positive to say about the last five months of their lives. Plus, even if there was something positive, it was pretty much guaranteed that the other two had already heard it. Positivity had been hard to come by, so it'd needed to be shared as soon as someone had experienced it.
Hailey took a bite of pizza and leaned against the counter. There wasn't much that she didn't know about Jay, which, in hand, meant there wasn't much she didn't know about Will. She felt awkward, and that wasn't exactly a feeling she wanted to have around her husband and brother-in-law.
"I know…I know things didn't end great," Will finally said after everyone had nearly finished their first piece of pizza, "But did you at least make friends down there? It didn't seem like you ever really mentioned anyone else."
"Oh, uh, yeah, I mean, as best I could," Jay said, nodding and setting his crust on his plate, "I guess you could say I became friends with the other squad leaders I was working with: Jeff Cragen and Mac Saunders. Cragen was a bit younger than I was, but he'd done two full tours in Afghanistan; he didn't have a wife or girlfriend or anyone – it seemed like he was just planning on constantly be working for the military. Saunders turned 40 while we were there – really good guy, divorced with twin boys."
"Why was he there?" Hailey asked.
Jay shrugged and said, "Wanted to be, I guess."
"And he left his kids?" she added.
Jay raised an eyebrow then replied, "Well, yeah."
It didn't do anything to add any of the nerves stirring in Hailey's gut. Jay had left her seemingly without a second thought. This guy, Saunders, had left his twin boys too. All it told her was that Jay could choose to do the exact same thing down the line even if they had kids.
It was enough to make her never stop using birth control if and when she ever decided to have sex with him again. She refused to have kids that would have to go through what she'd gone through the past five months. She didn't want them to ever feel like their dad didn't love them or want to be around them.
It broke her heart.
Nodding to herself, she looked down at her slice of pizza and took the last bite before turning around and grabbing a bottle of wine. Without even asking Jay and Will if they wanted some, she unscrewed the cork and poured herself a glass.
She needed something to numb the pain of her dull future.
It wasn't that she was someone who dreamed of having half a dozen kids and being a stay-at-home mom. That wasn't her. It was that she'd always figured she'd at least have a shot at being better than her past. There were times growing up where she imagined having kids, but it was never an incredibly strong feeling until she got married. That all actually changed when Kim adopted Makayla.
Suddenly, she was watching her friends run off to go to conferences at school and buy snacks and stuffed animals. She listened as Kim and Adam talked about hockey practices and babysitters and clubs their seven year-old wanted to join. She couldn't help but feel jealous whenever she'd spend time with them because they were giving a little girl everything she'd wanted when she was Makayla's age. It all made her want to do the same thing one day.
In her world, though, her kid would be a boy with freckles and green eyes. He'd play soccer and root for the White Sox. He'd be part her and part Jay. She loved him before he was even conceived.
She felt that she had every right to grieve over the "death" of him now that she was accepting she couldn't have kids with Jay if there was even the slightest possibility of him leaving again.
Turning back toward Jay and Will, she nearly finished her glass of wine then said, "Want a glass?"
"I can't-"
"Wasn't talking to you," she said without looking at Jay. Keeping her eyes on Will, she raised an eyebrow and repeated, "Wine?"
"Uh." He cleared his throat and glanced at Jay. "Do you have beer?"
Hailey nodded and set her glass down next to her plate. She turned to grab out one of the few bottles of beer in the fridge then passed it to him.
Will opened it and asked, "Since when do you have more wine than beer in your place?"
"Since we decided to join the wine of the month club," Hailey sighed. She finally looked toward Jay to see the first look of sadness on his face since he'd stepped foot in the apartment. Biting her lip, she felt a pang of guilt course through her.
It was more than just the wine of the month club that was the cause of her lack of beer. Without Jay, she'd felt weird drinking it without him. Beer felt like a social drink to her. She liked that no matter where their relationship had stood, they could grab a bottle of beer, sit on the couch or in the kitchen, and discuss work or their past and move forward with their lives. Without anyone to talk to while drinking, there didn't seem to be a point to beer. Plus, wine gave her a buzz much faster and even seemed to put her to sleep sometimes – both were things she had been needing to experience without Jay in her life.
"How, um, how's that been going?" Jay quietly asked. He tapped the table before glancing up at her. "Have you liked anything recently?"
"Uh, yeah," she said. She grabbed out her phone and swiped through her notes before passing it over to him. "I kept our ratings going."
Instantly, Jay smiled and let out a soft chuckle. "This is…this is awesome."
"Let me see." Will leaned over his shoulder, and his eyes widened. "Whoa, this is pretty detailed. You two came up with this?"
"Of course," Hailey replied with a smile of her own.
"Price, first impression, with chocolate, after one glass, glass two, smell, with cheese. I'm impressed," Will chuckled, "Definitely wouldn't mind having one of those better bottles some time."
"I'd like that too," Jay said. He kept scrolling through Hailey's list then passed it back to her. "How drunk would you get?"
She laughed and shook her head. "I don't know," she said softly, "Depended on the day, I guess. I only drank one bottle in one sitting. The rest were at least spread out throughout a weekend."
"Well, now, you won't have to drink alone," Jay said, "Even if I can't drink with you, I'll at least be here."
She smiled and nodded. "Thank you," she breathed.
"Hopefully won't be too long, right?" Will asked, "Another week or so?"
"Think so," Jay sighed. He rubbed a hand over his face then added, "Would you mind taking a look at all my paperwork and medications? I'd rather get through this all as soon as possible. I thought a bullet was bad, turns out getting burned also sucks."
"Yeah, of course," Will replied.
Jay hummed his thanks and grabbed another piece of pizza. With a glance to Hailey, he shook his head to himself then bit into it.
She bit her lip and let her finger swirl around the edge of her glass. She was starting to wish Will was gone. It wasn't that she didn't appreciate his help, but that she wanted to do it herself. She'd been the one who listened to all the doctors and nurses about the medication and burn cream and exercises. She'd helped Jay walk to and from the bathroom each time he needed to shower or brush his teeth. She'd been the one who'd gotten the call that he was even there in the first place.
She was his wife, and that needed to mean something.
It needed to, no matter how much that ring burned her finger over the fact that Jay had left for Bolivia without consulting her.
Finishing her glass of wine, she sighed and set her plate in the dishwasher.
"You sure you don't want another one?" Will asked, "There's plenty here."
She shook her head and said, "I'm fine. You two eat up." Walking around the island, she rubbed her hand over Jay's back before heading into their bedroom to begin unpacking.
Her own suitcase was mostly filled with clean clothes since she'd been able to wash it all before leaving the Fisher House. Jay's was also filled with clothes, but she didn't even bother sorting through them and just tossed them all in the laundry basket. She had absolutely no idea when he could have even washed any of his clothes and didn't want to think about it long. It brought an ache to her stomach.
There was also his broken watch in her carry-on. Her fingers shook as she picked it up. He'd been upset upon seeing it was broken, but hadn't said much besides he'd get a new one once they got home. She knew he'd had it for a while, and yet had never asked where he'd gotten it or why. It could have been a present from his parents for all she knew. She regretted never having asked him.
The one present he did have on him was his wedding ring. He was still wearing it and had smiled when she pointed it out to him, thanking her for putting it back on him. He promised that he'd worn it everyday he was gone, but didn't say much besides that about it. His dog tags around her neck brought more of a reaction from him.
He hadn't exactly been happy. In fact, she'd thought he was going to cry upon seeing them. He'd grabbed the dog tag in one hand and her fingers in the other. There was something swirling in his eyes like regret. He couldn't even talk as his thumb had rubbed over his name stamped into the cool metal before he pulled her as tightly as he could to his side. She'd stayed there for well-over a minute and began to cry into his shoulder over why she had them, what he'd gone through, and the fact that he even had them in the first place.
She didn't want to ever take the chain off. She couldn't let him go.
"Hailey."
She looked up from placing their chargers back on their nightstands at Will's voice. "Yeah?" she said softly.
"I'm gonna head out," he said, stepping into the bedroom.
"Are you sure?" she asked, "It's been a while since you and Jay have had a real conversation."
"And it's been a while since Jay's been home," Will added, "I'll stop by tomorrow after work, but if you need anything whatsoever, seriously, just text me. I'll be here in ten minutes."
She frowned and glanced around him where Jay was filling a glass with water. She watched as he stared at it for a moment before taking a long sip and leaning against the counter.
Sighing, she nodded and breathed, "It really has."
Will stuck his hands in his pockets and asked, "Are you going to be okay?"
She let out a weak laugh and looked down at the ground. "Who knows," she whispered, "I'd like to think I will be, but when that actually happens…I don't know."
Will nodded and reached forward the last little bit to squeeze her arm. "We'll all get through this. We have to, right? He'll physically heal, and the two of us will somehow heal from all the…craziness of the last few months. There's no other option for us."
"Seems like a tough option," she said softly, "I don't know how we're going to do it."
"Honestly? Me neither," Will sighed, "But it's all we can hope for, I think. I don't want to give up hope. Our mom taught us that – and she would have wanted you to know that too." He glanced over his shoulder at Jay then shook his head and added, "She also swore that angels were real. She must have been right because there's no way my brother could be alive without her watching over him."
Hailey wiped her eyes and nodded again.
She was starting to believe in angels too – specifically, her uncle. There was no way angels weren't real – not when he'd suddenly begun appearing in her dreams as her relationship with Jay became even rockier than before. If Amelia Halstead was watching over Jay, she needed to believe that Dennis Jerome was watching over her too. Maybe both their guardian angels had teamed up to take care of them together. It could give her some of that hope Will was talking about. She needed to trust her family to get her through the next few months – even if they weren't physically here with her.
"I'll see you tomorrow," Will said quietly, "Hang in there." He squeezed her elbow one last time then left the room.
Through the doorway, she watched as he gave Jay one last hug before leaving the apartment. A silence filled the space between them all, but she wished it wouldn't. She hated this silence. It wasn't comforting in the least. It was scary and harsh, not at all like the delicate silence that use to blanket them after a long day at work or during a hungover breakfast. It was meant to be broken – it held all the things they were too afraid to face, and she wasn't ready to talk through it all.
So she returned to the bed and kept sorting through all their clothes. It gave her something to focus on besides the pain that was existing in this once safe place. The truth, though, was that the apartment hadn't been a safe place in months – not since Jay had stood across from her in the living room and threw their marriage to the side in a lame attempt to fix himself without letting her help.
Well, here she was, helping him do things like get dressed and walk in a straight line. He needed to accept her help now.
She threw his service uniform across the room before sinking onto the bed and putting her head in her hands. That damn uniform with the stiff pants and the worn-in t-shirt that he'd had to wear who knows how many times. She missed when he'd roll out of bed in the morning, throw on a black t-shirt and a pair of jeans, and call it good. That's what she always wanted to imagine him looking like – not like some soldier who he'd once wanted to be bigger than. He was her husband first – he had to be.
The mattress shifted next to her, and she looked up to see Jay sitting on her left. He shot her a small smile then grabbed her hand in his.
Taking a deep breath, he rubbed his thumb over her wedding ring and whispered, "When'd you get my letter?"
She raised an eyebrow and asked, "What?"
Jay dropped her hand to turned slightly and pick up a piece of paper next to him. "Found this in the living room," he said quietly while placing the letter he'd sent her on her lap, "When'd you get it?"
"Oh," she breathed. She picked up his letter and brushed her fingers over his written words. Shaking her head, she said, "The night before I left. I…I came home from the bar and got the mail and sat on the couch to read it. I fell asleep there, then didn't have a chance to put it away." She felt her eyes water once more before pushing past the tears to scoot away from him and set the letter in the top drawer of her nightstand.
Before she could sit back next to Jay, he stood up and walked over to open the drawer back up.
"Jay," she whispered.
He ignored her and pulled the letter back out along with the other three he'd sent her. He stared at them all for a moment, no emotion present on his face, and then tossed them back in the drawer.
Now, he looked worried. He started shoving all their laundry to the side as he looked through it all.
"Jay," she said, standing up and getting out of his way, "What-"
"Did you see them?" he asked without looking up from throwing their clothes off the bed, "Where are my letters?"
Her mouth gaped for a moment then shook her head. "Your letters? Jay, you just-"
"The letters you sent me," he snapped. He hurried around her and started shaking his pack as best he could. Nothing fluttered out besides a few pieces of dust and lint. "Did you see them?" he repeated, "Hailey, where-"
"I didn't," she whispered, "Jay, I didn't see them."
He fell to his knees with a loud grunt of pain and began unzipping all the pockets he could find in his pack.
"Jay," she said, setting her hand on his back, "Be careful, you-"
"I need to find them!" he argued while throwing the pack across the room where she'd previously thrown his uniform. He caught his breath then tried crawling over to those clothes.
"Jay," she said loudly as she grabbed his good shoulder, "You are going to hurt yourself."
"Those are the only things that kept me sane, Hailey, I can't-they can't be gone," Jay said, finally appearing defeated. He looked over his shoulder at her then whispered, "I can't lose the only pieces of you that I had. I can't lose you."
"You…you're not going to lose me," she whispered while kneeling in front of him. She cupped his face gently and said, "Look at me. I'm right here. You're not losing me. Those are pieces of paper with words on them, they're important, yes, but they're not the only pieces of me that exist. I'm here right now, and I'm not lost. I'm not. I'm here, Jay, I'm right here."
For the first time since they arrived in Chicago, Jay's face crumpled and tears formed in his eyes, and she felt herself reliving the emotions she'd had upon getting that last letter the night before she left for the hospital. She would have been devastated to lose one of those letters because they really were physical reminders of their love and how he felt toward her. Those letters meant everything to her: they had to have been the same for him.
"I'm right here," she repeated softly before hugging him to her shoulder, "I'm always going to be here."
Brushing her fingers through the back of his hair, she gently squeezed him as she pressed her lips to his temple. It broke her heart to think of what he was feeling right now – she didn't want to experience it for herself, certainly not when she'd just survived the past five months with those letters. She knew the importance of having them; she just wished she could actually find them for Jay.
"Let's get you into bed," she said once he'd finally let go of her, "It's been a long day."
But Jay shook his head and looked back at the pack next to them. He reached out his right hand and gripped onto the green material as if the letters would suddenly appear right there next to them.
"I'll look again while you rest," Hailey said, carefully standing up in front of him, "I promise. I know they're important to you. They're important to me too. I'll look through all your clothes and the bag – two, maybe even three times. We'll figure it out."
Jay stiffly nodded before taking her hand in his. With a soft grunt, he stood up and mumbled, "Hurts like hell."
"I bet," she replied. Leading him to the bed, she adjusted the pillows and said, "You don't need to sleep, but can you at least close your eyes for a bit? I'll get you one of your pills and a glass of water."
Jay nodded again and sat on the edge of the mattress. Taking a deep breath, he scooted backwards and helped Hailey with all the pillows. "Thanks," he whispered.
Hailey hummed and grabbed the blanket from the end of the bed to lay over his legs. Kissing the side of his head again, she said, "Give me five."
"Yeah, of course," Jay said quietly. He rested his head back against the headboard, but didn't close his eyes. Instead, his gaze followed Hailey around their room as she cleaned up the clothes he'd tossed, her suitcase, and his pack. She shot him a small smile before bringing it all into the kitchen.
Dropping their belongings next to the island, she sat at a bar stool and took a deep breath. She'd been anticipating adjustments to living together again and maybe nightmares and balancing all the doctor appointments she'd been sticking in her calendar, but she hadn't been ready for moments like these where he'd lost an important item or relived something, even a good memory, from his time in Bolivia. It was unexpected and threw her for a loop she didn't know how to handle.
Running a hand through her hair, she looked up to see the picture of her, Jay, and Adam and realized there were more loops coming that she had yet to consider: their friends were going to want some more information, especially information coming from her or Jay instead of just Trudy. She didn't know what the appropriate timeline would be for any of that. As it was, Jay hadn't seemed too excited when she'd first brought up Will coming to pick them up. She didn't know what he'd think to his friends suddenly coming to visit after his absence.
She shook the worry from her head and got up to grab a glass of water and the bottle of pills she'd promised him. Friends didn't even seem like something she should even consider right now – not when Jay was stuck on his missing letters and had just hurt himself by looking for them.
She brought Jay his water and pill, watched him take it like he needed to, then gave him one last kiss before returning to the kitchen to sort through all their things. It would have been easy had it not been for the tears flooding her eyes as she searched for the letters she couldn't find.
She'd been searching for close to fifteen minutes when her phone buzzed in her pocket. Sniffling, she wiped her eyes then pulled it out just to smile slightly at the text from Kevin on her screen.
~ Don't want to be a huge bother, but was wondering how today's going ~ Kevin Atwater
~ Fine. Just trying to sort through all his stuff. He's in bed. Maybe you can-
She stopped texting to glance up at the bedroom door. She hadn't wanted to force their friends on him, but she admittedly missed them as well. She really had been filled with so much regret that night Jay had gotten hurt because she felt like she missed out on all the time she could have been spending with her second family.
But right now, she needed to put her own feelings to the side like she had been for the last ten days and accept that she couldn't invite her friends over right now. Jay probably wouldn't be comfortable with that, and she didn't want to be the reason he got upset again.
In a way, she already felt like she was the reason he was so upset. Maybe if she'd put her letter away without him knowing or if she hadn't even touched his clothes, nothing would have happened to the letters she'd sent him and they wouldn't be struggling so much right now. Not to mention the fact that despite what Will had said the day before, she did still feel a bit of guilt over Jay having left in the first place. None of it was fair.
So she changed what she wanted to say to Kevin then took a deep breath.
~ Fine. Just trying to sort through all his stuff. He's in bed. Kind of overwhelmed right now to be honest. Hoping things will calm down in the next couple days ~
Honesty was going to be her friend right now. She learned that from Kevin before she'd left to be with Jay. If she kept to herself, that wasn't going to do anyone any good. People keeping to themselves and not sharing real emotions or fears with others was what got her into this mess. She didn't want a repeat of the last five months.
~ And when it does, I'm always up to coming over if you two are ready for guests. Platt said you're taking a few days off? ~ Kevin Atwater
~ I am. Gonna try to get him settled. I'll let you know when he's open to visitors ~
~ Keep me updated. Thinking of you both ~ Kevin Atwater
Hailey smiled at her phone before setting it down and running a hand through her hair. It was the perfect response, in her opinion. He wasn't going to force himself on the two of them, but he also wasn't going to let them forget that he was there. They all were.
"Where's my phone?"
Hailey glanced up at Jay leaning against the doorway to their bedroom and quickly stood up. "What're you doing?" she asked, "I thought-"
"Where's my phone?" he repeated, "I want to call the base and see if they can find your letters."
Hailey sighed then looked around. Spotting the phone on the counter, she hurried over to grab it. "I'm still looking," she said softly while handing it over.
Jay nodded and opened his phone. "Thanks, but I need to just check." He'd pressed his thumb to the screen before slowly turning and making his way back to the bed.
Hailey watched as he sat on the mattress and waited for whoever to pick up. Not to her surprise, no one did. Instead, Jay frowned and tried calling someone else. Again, he was met with no one. The irony wasn't lost on her. There'd been many times where she'd also called Jay just to get his voicemail. It almost felt appropriate that the same thing was happening to him now.
Now, like she used to do, he started typing out a text with shaky hands and a look of desperation on his face. He needed to get a hold of someone just like she used to need to get a hold of him. As appropriate as it felt, she still didn't like seeing him so upset, so she crossed the room and sat to his right.
Gently taking the phone from his hand once he'd pressed send, she whispered, "They'll eventually get it. Just wait. They're your friends, right? They'll reply."
He nodded and rubbed his fist under his nose, but his eyes didn't shift from the black screen.
"We'll figure it out," she continued softly, "I know I could never replace the letters I already sent, but I can prove them to you. I can, Jay. I'll still support you here at home as we work to figure out what's next. I promise."
He finally looked up at her and a smile flickered across his face. "Thank you," he breathed.
"Always," she replied.
Jay's smile widened slightly as he said, "And forever."
"Come here," Hailey said while putting her arms out. She hugged him to her again and took a deep breath.
Resting her chin on his shoulder, she closed her eyes and pressed her face in his neck. Forever and always was not going to be as easy as they may have originally anticipated, but it was going to be worth it.
She hoped.
That night proved her statement to be true.
She'd once dreamed of sharing a bed again with Jay, but in those dreams, he could hold her through the night and drag his fingers through her hair. He'd be her safe place that finally brought her comfort when the sun went down.
It was kind of hard to make that a reality now.
Hailey had gotten a few extra throw pillows from the couch to help prop up his arm through the night and to place around him so he wouldn't roll over. It created a rather small place for her to be with a wall between the two of them. Neither of them were happy about it.
With the lights out in the room, Hailey stared up at the ceiling listening to Jay try and shift around as best he could within his pillows. For a while, she just let him be. He'd been rather adamant in the shower that he wanted to attempt some of this on his own now that he was home, so she agreed despite her gut telling her she needed to tell him to get over his pride and let her help.
That was until he let out a short yelp in pain causing her to shoot up in bed. "What happened?" she asked quickly, reaching over to flick her lamp on.
"Zipper," Jay groaned quietly, "The zipper on the pillow d-dug into my side where…where…"
Hailey nodded and hurried out of bed to help him shove most of the pillows on his left side to the ground. Hesitantly, she lifted his shirt to look at the scarred skin still branded on him.
"Don't, Hail," Jay whispered, "Just…just get that cream. I'll put it on again."
But she couldn't look away.
She'd helped him take showers and watched as his nurses showed him where the cream needed to go, but she'd yet to be this close to it, staring at yet another scar on his body.
Gently, she reached out her surprisingly steady fingers to touch his warm skin. He barely winced, giving her permission to keep her cool skin against his. She couldn't help but frown as she slowly lowered her hand until her palm was flush to him. He didn't feel smooth like she remembered, but at least he was here where she could feel him. He was alive. It didn't matter what he looked like.
It reminded her of the first time she'd truly looked at his bullet scar on his chest. She'd seen it in passing a handful of times in the locker room, but when they were quietly making their way into the kitchen in the middle of the night after sleeping together for the first time, that was when she finally stared. In the light of her refrigerator, she lightly traced her pointer finger around the perfect circle on his left shoulder. He'd silently watched her for a moment before grabbing her wrist and meeting her eyes. She didn't ever want to forget the feeling of his lips on hers after that.
He was alive then, just like he was alive now.
Only now, there were several more scars along his chest with stitches and medical tape holding them together paired with the long burn she currently had her hand on.
It was hard to swallow.
Like that first night together, Jay reached over with his right hand to grab her wrist. It startled her, and she looked up to meet his eyes.
He slowly shook his head then whispered, "I'm so sorry."
"Hey, no," she breathed while moving up onto the mattress next to him. "It's not your fault."
"Isn't it?" he asked.
In a way, she could see what he meant: his choices both in Chicago and Bolivia led to that one single moment where he'd gotten hurt. There was a chain of events that could connect him to that car exploding on his way back to save some kids.
But then again, he hadn't known he was going to get hurt. He didn't know his car would drive over a bomb sending him back to the United States. He didn't know the true consequences of his actions.
So no, she couldn't place the blame of his injuries on him. She was sure there were other people at fault for that.
"Your choices placed you in Bolivia," she explained gently, "But your choices did not warrant your injuries. The burns and the scars are not some version of karma. They're physical, ugly parts of the war. I am not going to blame you for what had happened that day, and I really hope you won't blame yourself either."
Jay's mouth gaped for a moment before he quietly asked, "Then what are you going to blame me for? Because I deserve it, remember? I deserve to be blamed for all the pain I put you through."
Out of the corner of her eye, Hailey could see the moonlight reflecting off of their wedding picture on her nightstand. She sighed.
He was right. She did have stuff to blame him for.
And yet, as they sat together on their bed with his side throbbing underneath her hand, she didn't have the energy to list it all out for him.
"I'll get that cream for you," she whispered before pressing a long kiss to his forehead and making her way to the bathroom.
They'd said in the hospital that they'd eventually have the conversation about all that had led them to this moment. They had to push it off once, and now they were pushing it off again. She didn't know when they were going to be ready for the conversation that would surely drag up all their pain that had just been simmering for the last five months. There might not even be a perfect time, but there had to have been a better time than right now.
So she grabbed his prescription burn cream off the bathroom counter and returned to their bedroom. Without saying a word, she knelt at his side and gently pulled his clothes away to rub the cream into his burn. As she worked, she blinked back the tears that stung her eyes until she lost and a few dripped down her cheek.
"Hailey," Jay whispered.
She shook her head and continued making sure all the cream was rubbed into his skin.
"Hailey," he repeated, reaching out to barely brush his fingers against her forehead.
Sniffling, she looked up at him with no words. She had absolutely nothing to say to him right now. There were too many things she needed to say about loving him and wanting everything to work out and working on forgiving him that nothing could come out. She needed to rely on looking at him for him to understand that now was not the time to talk.
He understood with a nod and set his hand palm up on his thigh.
She couldn't help but smile slightly as she understood what he was telling her: he just wanted her next to him again.
So she finished as quickly as she could and straightened up to place the tube of burn cream on his nightstand before crawling onto the bed. She still had tears drying on her face, but there was less tension in the air now.
Adjusting the pillows between the two of them, she carefully laid down to place her head right next to his arm. He reached down with his hand to intertwine their fingers together over his stomach.
It's where their hands remained for the rest of the night.
Even throughout quiet grunts of pain and whispers of nightmares.
They'd made it home and to their bed.
It was the first step to healing.
Together.
A/N: Here we go! Let me know what you think? :) Talk soon!
