A/N: Hi! I'm back! And ready for fluff :) This new section of the fic has been fun to write, so I really hope you all enjoy it.

Also, thank you all for being super nice on Twitter and in the comments about me taking a mini break. It was really nice to have supportive people around :)


For the first eight months of their marriage and the entirety of the time that they dated, Jay took care of Hailey whether or not she asked for help. It wasn't always in life or death situations, but he knew when she'd need a smile and how to get it out of her. He made her soup when she was sick, rubbed her back when she'd had a long day, and started a hot shower for her when there was a chill in the air. He was attentive and caught on to her smallest of quirks; though whether he started noticing it all before or after they started dating, she didn't know.

It was all of the little things that really made his absence sting. Every sneeze or body ache brought a sadness to Hailey that felt like salt in a wound. She could do all of what he'd done for herself, but it felt ten times better when Jay was the one making the soup or starting the shower.

And then he got hurt, and she forgot about all those little things. She was the one who needed to take care of him. It wasn't that she'd never done any of it before – she made her fair share of meals and practically forced Jay to take cold medicine and use vapo-rub just three weeks into dating him – but that he'd never had to rely on her as much before. It all changed after his trip to Bolivia.

Now, though, with her body littered in scratches she'd given herself and bruises she'd endured from slipping on the ice, all of that went away. Jay's hands felt warm against her cool skin as he easily fell back into his role as caregiver. He led her back to their bed, unhooked her bra, then helped her into one of his white t-shirts he slept in. All with one arm in a sling.

"I'll be right back," he breathed once she was settled against her pillows, "Don't get under the covers just yet."

She nodded and watched him retreat to the bathroom. The tears that had flooded her eyes earlier were once again threatening to spill over. As much as she'd assured herself in the locker room that she was independent and could take care of herself, she really did love when Jay stepped up to comfort her in any way possible.

He returned with their first-aid kit and crawled onto the left side of the bed. The first thing he took out was an old ice-pack that he quickly broke and shook before placing it behind her shoulder where the bruise was the darkest.

"Thank you," she said softly, wiping at the tears in her eyes.

He shot her a small smile and nodded. Next, he pulled out a small tube of ointment and began rubbing it into every small scratch he could find on her skin.

She couldn't remember when exactly she'd started picking at her skin from stress and nerves. She'd been covered in so many bruises and signs of abuse while growing up that it all felt normal and just a part of who she was. Perhaps it got worse in college when she was studying for finals or just trying to survive on her own. It seemed to fade once she graduated, started up again while she was on patrol, flared during all the rumors about her detective promotion, and was at its worse when she shot Roy. She'd always dealt with it on her own, but it was then when she was living with Jay that she finally had someone to take care of her.

To her surprise, while he'd struggled to understand why she'd lied and hid something so huge from him for months, he still made sure to care for all the little scratches and scabs she'd given herself over the course of weeks. He was silent, but gentle as he worked to heal her broken skin.

Now, it was like he'd never left as he did the exact same thing.

His hands always felt so big against her body, but they were incredibly soft and gentle as they dabbed the ointment across her skin. He knew to tilt her head up and check under her chin where she'd gotten herself before and found a scratch she hadn't even known she'd had behind her ear.

This time, though, he wasn't silent. He whispered to her as he worked, saying things like "I love you" and "I know, I know, I'm sorry" when she'd wince away. He kissed her wrist after soothing the cuts on her palms and pressed his forehead to her temple when he seemed to need to steady himself.

He was upset that she'd hurt herself, and she knew why. It was more than just the fact that she'd absentmindedly been scratching at herself because of the stress; it was the fact that the stress had been caused because of him.

She'd just been telling him that she deserved to have him as her husband, but she could see why right now, as he worked to heal the scratches on her skin, that that felt wrong. He'd said the fact that she wasn't leaving him - that she was staying with him through it all - was wrecking him. This could not have been an easy task for him to do on top of that.

But this was exactly why she was staying with him: he cared. She knew all along that underneath the pain and the leaving that Jay Halstead would always love and care for her. He might have made an impulsive decision to leave, but, in the back of his mind, he was doing it for her and their marriage. He was trying to become a better man, and she still didn't think she could fully fault him for that. He was her husband, a good one, and she could never just walk away from that.

"All done," he finally whispered while capping the tube of ointment back up. He wiped the back of his hand under his nose, sniffled, then gently tugged her to lay down.

Hailey closed her eyes while pressing her face into his chest. "Thank you," she whispered back.

"You're welcome," he replied as he adjusted the ice-pack against her shoulder. Once he had it held up with pillows, he added, "I love you and…and I'm here for you. I'm not leaving you again."

She believed him.

He'd seen what his absence had done to her both emotionally and physically. He'd watched her attempt to pick up the pieces now that he'd returned to her. He knew what she'd been going through.

If it wrecked him that she stayed, then she truly believed that he wouldn't put them both through that again. Neither of them would survive another five-month absence.

That wasn't to say that her fears were just going to disappear. She was still scared of what all this could mean for his future job and the possibility of children, but at least it eased the acidic, twisting feeling that had been living in her gut for weeks now.

She finally had hope.

Jay groaned quietly to himself then sat up to unclip his sling.

"What're you-"

"I'll be fine."

Hailey bit the inside of her lip and nodded.

"Can hold you better this way," Jay said quietly while laying back down and tugging her to him. Once she was against him, he slowly breathed her in and pressed his lips to her forehead.

"I love you," he whispered, "So much, Hailey, and I'm here for you. I hope you know that. If you need anything-"

"I know," she gently interrupted, "I know. I just…I forgot and-and I'm sorry."

"Don't be," he replied, "Don't apologize for something like that. We've had a lot going on. I'm just upset I hadn't noticed. I'm the one who's sorry."

She glanced up at him and sighed.

They really could just go back and forth forever with this. He could apologize for not noticing, she could apologize for causing issues in the first place, he could apologize for leaving, she could apologize for not noticing he was struggling. It was an endless cycle, and the only way they could get out of it was to actually stop apologizing to each other all the time.

"Jay," she said softly.

He met her gaze and softened: he knew exactly what she was thinking about.

"I know," he breathed.

She nodded in reply and scooted impossibly closer to him.

For the first time in months, she truly started to feel at peace. She had yet to be this close to Jay since his return, and she'd forgotten how much this helped her calm down. She probably would have preferred to actually lay on top of him, but this was the closest second she could get, and it was better than anything she'd had before. Jay's heartbeat thumped against her hand, and every breath he took gently swayed her body where she laid against his chest. It made the sting of all the scratches fade away.

Jay's hand slipped around her side to adjust the ice again. "How'd this happen?" he asked quietly.

She sniffled and gripped his shirt. "I slipped on the ice yesterday, took a hard fall."

Jay made a quiet noise of acknowledgement and kissed her forehead again. "Did you hit your head?"

"Sort of," she replied, "Ruze checked though, no bump."

"You don't always get a bump the second you fall," Jay murmured. He moved slightly on the bed and gently slipped his fingers through her hair. "Back?"

"Yeah," she whispered.

She closed her eyes as Jay felt for a bump. She could tell he was being gentle with her and trying not to hurt or startle her.

"I don't think there's anything there, but I'll check again later," Jay explained while pressing his hand again to her back.

She nodded against him and hesitantly wrapped her arm over his waist. In reply, he pushed her closer to him and rested his head to hers. It brought a small smile to her face that she hid in his chest.

As she laid against Jay, she decided that ignorance was bliss. Again, there was no point in hashing out constant apologies or saying things they should have done in the moment. The past needed to be the past. There was nothing comforting about reliving it.

What was comforting was lying here with Jay. He might have still had that sling and the scars weren't going anywhere any time soon, but he felt like himself right now. Like he had when he'd hold her after a nightmare or when he'd stayed the night after she'd gone to visit her dad when he had a heart attack. He was steady and strong. He was hers again.

It was all she needed to finally give in to her adrenaline crash and fall asleep.


When Hailey woke up, Jay was still laying next to her. She relaxed further into the mattress and leaned her head against his chest.

It was the best sleep she'd gotten in weeks.

There hadn't been any dreams or nightmares. She hadn't been startled awake. She'd just peacefully slept next to her husband, and it was everything she'd wanted it to be.

"You awake?" Jay murmured.

"Mhmm."

There was a beat before Jay asked, "Can I go to the bathroom?"

Hailey couldn't help but laugh as she slowly sat up. "Of course," she said. Rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she asked, "How long was I asleep for?"

"Uh." Jay got off of the bed and picked up his phone. "Four hours?"

Hailey suddenly felt wide awake as her eyes widened. "Are you serious?"

"Yeah, it's a little after eight," Jay explained. He hesitated in front of her for a moment as if to wait and see if she was going to say anything else, but then gave in to having to go to the bathroom and hurried away from her.

"Crap," she mumbled while getting off of the bed.

"You're fine!" Jay called through the cracked door, "You needed the sleep!"

Hailey shook her head and ran a hand through her hair. She fixed the pillows and blankets on the bed then said, "You could have woken me up."

"Seriously, not a big deal," Jay replied.

Hailey sighed, wrapping her arms around herself. "I…I'm sorry."

"Dumb thing to apologize for. I'm glad you finally got to rest."

The toilet flushed behind the door, but instead of emerging from the bathroom, Jay turned the shower on.

Hailey raised an eyebrow and stepped closer to the door. "You okay?"

"Yup."

Hailey let out a breath then lightly pushed the door open to see Jay going through her cabinet under the sink. "What're you doing?" she asked softly.

Jay glanced over his shoulder and said, "Getting a shower ready for you."

"What?"

Jay straightened up with a pack of shower steamers. "Getting a shower ready," he repeated, "I'm hoping you can relax a little more."

"You don't-"

"I do."

Hailey swallowed and nodded slightly. She watched as Jay opened the pack of steamers Kim had gotten her for her birthday the year before. She'd barely used them, but had mentioned to Jay over the last year that she liked the way they'd smelled. They were lavender scented and had actually helped calm her down before bed a few times.

Jay knew what he was doing.

She wasn't surprised. He was a man of action, and if they'd decided that constant apologies weren't going to get them anywhere, he was going to do something to show her that he cared and that he loved her. He wanted what was best for her and was willing to do anything – even something as small as setting up a shower – to help her feel better.

To heal her like she'd been trying to heal him.

Jay tossed the steamer into the shower and put a hand out toward her. She chewed her lip over the smallest of smiles then nodded and accepted his hand. He smiled back and slipped his hand out of her grip so that he could tug his shirt off of her and toss it to the side. His hands fit perfectly around her waist like they were always meant to be there - and they were.

It'd been too long since she'd felt him so close to her, felt his breath against her bare skin like this, felt his fingers hook into the waistband of her underwear and drag down her legs.

When he knelt on the floor to help her step out of it, he pressed a soft kiss to her stomach before standing back up. "I love you," he said softly, "And I promise you, this is going to be a new beginning for us. After today, we're starting fresh. I'm going to be better for you. I'm going to get the help I need to be a better husband for you. I swear to you, Hailey."

She nodded and breathed, "I believe you."

Jay pulled her against his body as he kissed her there in their bathroom. His lips molded perfectly to hers while walking her backwards under the hot water. She gasped into the kiss, feeling his tongue trace against hers the moment he joined her in the steam.

"You're getting wet," she murmured.

"I really don't care about my clothes," he hummed.

"Well, I do."

Jay laughed against her lips, kissed her nose, then stepped back with a dramatic sigh.

Whenever he'd undressed in front of her for the last three weeks, she couldn't help but let her eyes rake over every scar and burn on his body. She'd gone breathless over the chest that no longer looked like his and had been frozen in place at the fresh, pink skin he now bore. She didn't think she was going to ever get used to it.

Yet now, as he pulled his wet t-shirt from him and kicked it away with his joggers and boxers, she wasn't even looking at his chest. She was watching his eyes. The way they never left hers. The way they were the brightest green she'd seen in weeks. The way they seemed to light up and match the true smile now gracing his face.

They'd gone through hell and back and then back again within the last twenty-four hours, but this was their chance to crawl out. They could start over, just like Jay said. This was their chance at a fresh start. They knew what worked in their relationship – communication, as if that was some new concept they hadn't realized before – and what didn't – hiding, drinking, secrets, and attempting to protect the other. Fear didn't belong in their marriage. Not anymore.

It needed to be filled with love and trust. With laughter and good memories. With communication and hope.

With each other.

They couldn't keep going at this alone. They really did need to be a team, return to being partners. It wasn't right for either of them to try and save the other or be the strong one in the relationship because, the truth was, they were strongest together. There needed to be a difference between holding the other up on a bad day and putting the other first 24/7. Something needed to change, and this was their chance to do that.

Jay returned under the hot water next to her and placed his lips back on hers. She moaned softly into the kiss and brought her arms up over his shoulders. As she trailed her fingers down his back, she pressed herself impossibly closer to him and realized they had reached what they'd been craving a couple days before.

It felt like weeks since they'd last mentioned wanting to sleep with the other, but it really was just about fifty hours since they'd sat together in the physical therapist's office and she'd run her hands over his thigh. Then, it felt like a dream to be this close to him and have the chance right in front of her. Now, it was her reality.

Would they actually have sex? She wasn't quite sure, but she knew she wasn't against it anymore. She wasn't going to stop anything from happening that Jay wanted. She needed him as much as she wanted him.

Jay's lips trailed down her jaw as his hands came up into her hair and tilted her head back. She let out a soft moan, closing her eyes against the water and the feeling of Jay back where she'd missed him most.

"Love you," he murmured in her ear, "I love you, Hailey, so much."

She gasped as his tongue played with her earlobe then breathed, "I love you too."

Jay moaned as well and rubbed his thumb along the back of her neck. "My wife."

"My husband," she replied to the best of her ability.

She felt Jay smile against her throat before he placed a kiss to her collarbone and straighten up causing her to reluctantly blink her eyes open and look at him.

"You're beautiful," he whispered as he placed a hand on the side of her face.

Leaning into his hand, she smiled back at him and said, "Thank you."

He kissed her nose then bent down to grab her shampoo.

"You don't-"

"I want to."

"Jay-"

"It's a silly thing to argue."

In the back of her mind, a part of her thought he was going to hurt his shoulder by holding his arm up for long enough to even wash her hair. Another part of her even wished he would return to kissing her.

But a bigger part of her knew he needed this: he needed to do as he set forth and help her relax. She could argue that his lips on hers would be even more relaxing, and he'd probably give in to her request, yet she stayed quiet and let him do what he wanted. She had to admit that less could go wrong with him washing her hair than with the two of them attempting to have shower sex, and she really didn't want their first time having sex being interrupted by a trip to the hospital. This was better on many counts.

When Jay's fingers carded through her hair, she closed her eyes again and rested her forehead to his right shoulder. He'd first done this for her when he'd yet to find out about Roy. She'd been struggling to function, and he had been willing to do anything to make her smile and feel human again. Before that, they'd taken countless showers together, but it'd been much more touching than washing and sometimes even barely counted as a shower. So when he first washed her hair for her, it'd taken her by surprise and actually had relaxed her like he'd intended.

She was happy to return to that state of mind.

Unlike that first time, though, Jay started whispering just above the stream of water, and her ears perked up to hear what exactly he was saying.

"You're beautiful," he first repeated, "And you're incredibly smart and strong, but I don't want you to think that being strong means you have to be alone. Being strong means asking for help and accepting that others want to support you. I know that might make me sound like a hypocrite, but I'm working on it. I'll work on accepting help from you as well. I promise."

She smiled at his words and gently hugged him around his chest.

He kissed the top of her head in reply before beginning to rinse the shampoo from her hair. Whenever he'd run his fingers through it, he'd end by rubbing slow circles on her upper back right next to the bruise that had discolored her skin. Had they been back in bed, she felt like she probably could have fallen asleep.

To prevent doing so and absolutely freaking Jay out, she opened her eyes and studied the bits of Jay's chest that she could make out when she turned her head to the left. Through all the water, she could see just the top of where the bullet had ripped through him years before. Much of it had been changed from the burns he'd endured, but she still knew it was there.

That damn scar had been such a big moment in her feelings for him. Because of it, she'd finally been able to verbally express how she felt about him. Before he'd gotten shot and before Vanessa came into her life, she had no reason to say that she loved him. It'd just been something she'd felt in the middle of the night. But because of her best friend, she'd finally been able to say that she really did love Jay Halstead, even if she was just saying it as a friend and partner.

Now, she could say it as his wife. She had no issue in telling him she loved him or if anyone heard her. Now, after he'd almost died and spent ten days in the hospital, it almost even felt like a privilege to do so.

They'd come a long way since that scar on his chest, and she maybe even partly owed their current relationship to it. Without it, she wouldn't have swallowed her pride and admitted her feelings to Vanessa and herself. She came close to even telling him those exact feelings, but decided on pushing it off for almost a year.

It probably worked out for the best that way.

Everything did happen for a reason.

Maybe.

Hailey let out a soft breath and raised her hand to lightly trace her pointer finger over the scar – both what she could see and what she knew used to be there. She'd done it more times in their relationship than she could count. She knew where it was supposed to be.

Jay glanced down at her finger and smiled slightly. "You always hated that scar," he whispered above the stream of water, "Now it's almost gone."

She hummed and shook her head. "I don't hate it. It almost killed you, but it became a part of you, and I love you. I can't hate anything that's a part of you."

Including Bolivia.

Including your past.

Including your choices last night.

Jay stepped back from her, sliding his hands down to rest on either side of her throat, and said softly, "I am incredibly lucky to have you, Hailey."

She smiled as a few drips of water fell down her cheeks. "I know," she breathed.

Laughing, Jay shook his head and leaned forward to kiss her again.

She was lucky to have him too.


Their shower together after that was filled with much more laughter and smiling. Jay recounted the first shower she'd given him back at the hospital in all its ridiculousness, and Hailey asked him if he still loved her even if she had her own scar on the bottom of her foot from a rock on the beach twenty years before.

It finally felt like home.

The tension left the air with all the steam when Jay opened the shower door and walked over to grab towels for them both. He wrapped it around Hailey for her before struggling to get it around his own waist. Hailey ended up helping him, and if her hand slipped to tease along his hips for just a second, neither of them mentioned it.

For the first real and true time since he came home, she could imagine herself having sex with him again. A mental block that had been in her mind since seeing him in that hospital bed and then again back in their apartment had disappeared. She'd previously had fleeting moments where hesitancy still existed, but now she was sure of what she wanted.

"Are you tired?" Jay asked when they returned to their bedroom.

Hailey glanced at him from pulling out a pair of pajamas from her drawer and said, "Not at all."

He chuckled and said, "Figured. I'll go grab some coffee."

Pausing where she was, Hailey asked, "What?"

"I'm gonna start a pot of coffee," Jay said, "Your nap and insomnia are going to keep you up for a while, and I want to spend that time with you, so I'll get some caffeine going."

"You don't have to do that," Hailey said as she walked over to him. She placed her hands back on his waist and added, "I don't mind staying up alone if you want to sleep."

"I don't want you staying up by yourself," Jay argued softly. He brushed a hand over her damp hair and said, "We've been missing out on quality time lately – tonight would be a perfect time to catch up. You can tell me all about work."

Hailey nodded slightly and watched him step back.

Only she didn't want to talk about work.

She did. She had. Obviously. That was a big part of why she'd been so upset with him recently.

But it didn't seem important now.

Jay cleaned her scratches and washed her hair and gently soothed over her bruises. It was enough for tonight. They didn't need to talk about sad and frustrating things.

"Jay."

He stopped in the doorway and turned back toward her.

"I want you," she said softly, "I want us."

Jay raised an eyebrow and replied, "I know."

She shook her head because he didn't know. At least, he didn't seem to understand.

So she dropped her towel and tilted her head to the side.

For the second time that night, she stood in front of him, naked and vulnerable, using her actions to tell him what words failed to do.

They were always best at silent communication.


Their first night together two years before was filled with a longing need. They'd both spent the years leading up to it imagining what it would be like to feel the other against them, to kiss their skin, run their hands through their hair. It'd been dotted with vulnerability and want amongst shock that the entire thing was actually happening.

Hailey always looked back at it with a smile on her face.

Their first night while engaged was actually one of their only times while engaged. Hailey could probably count on just two hands – maybe even one – the amount of times they'd slept together as fiancés. That first night, though…Hailey remembered being tired. She'd been in love and excited and grateful that Jay had said yes to her proposal before offering his own as well, but she'd also been mentally exhausted. Jay had been the one to take the lead, pressing her back into the mattress and pulling her legs around his waist as he whispered how much he loved her over and over and over again.

She hadn't been much of a great participant, and, for that, she had a bit of regret as to how it went.

Thankfully, their first night as husband and wife had been so incredibly different that she barely looked back on that first engaged night. Hailey'd had more desperation coursing through her system during sex than she'd ever had before. She gladly took control and let herself be free for the first time in months. Jay hadn't minded. He'd told her later that she'd perhaps been the sexiest he'd ever seen her and that she could gladly repeat it if she'd liked. It made her day to hear that someone else – someone she loved so deeply and wanted to make proud – was seeing her like herself again.

She'd turned a corner in their relationship and herself that night, and she looked back at it fondly. Not to mention, thinking of it usually led her to pulling Jay in their bedroom and wanting to do it again just as he'd asked.

Having sex with Jay now, after months of not seeing him and weeks of living with him in anger and depression, was a whole new thing.

And yet she liked it.

Loved it actually.

Jay struggled to move like he had before, but they were able to navigate any issues without even verbally discussing them. With one look in her direction, he sat against the headboard and accepted her on top of him, burying his face against her throat where he pressed open-mouth kisses down her warm skin.

It'd been forever since she'd felt loved like that.

His hands had wrapped around her waist as she lifted herself on top of him, moaning out at the feeling of him finally inside of her. For months, in the back of her mind, she was scared she wouldn't remember what he felt like, but it was like coming home. She couldn't even move at first, simply in awe at once again being so close to her husband.

When she finally felt like she could rock her hips forward, she placed her hands on either side of his face, holding him tightly and looking in his eyes before kissing him with everything she had. They were back together. They'd survived the worst and proved they could do what they thought they could all while being scared they couldn't.

She hadn't realized she'd missed the soft noises he made in her ear until they were all she could hear. They were paired with his fingers and lips drawing out her own desperate moans. While he couldn't move the left side of his body as well as before, that didn't stop him from tangling his fingers in her hair or pressing his hand against her as she rocked herself against him. That, particularly, had caused her to tip her head back and gasp for breath in disbelief that this was actually finally happening.

Despite his slow movements against her, he was again letting her take control, and she didn't mind in the least. She went from gripping his shoulders to grabbing the headboard behind him as she moved. He was hers to do as she wished with, and she needed to use him for her enjoyment. Her movements might have been aimed at pleasing herself, but based on his own moans and the way his teeth dug into her throat when she particularly snapped her hips forward, he was enjoying himself as well. Watching him and feeling him fall apart beneath her made her feel alive.

It all gave her that feeling of freedom she'd felt on their wedding night. They'd turned the page together and started another new chapter together. She had spent earlier that day crying that she wasn't in control of anything, that Jay was making decisions that poorly affected her own goals and outlook on life, but all of that was gone now. She understood where he was coming from, and he knew that his choices truly did affect her. They could see each other in a new light that shined bright beneath the moon.

As her stomach fluttered and her body finally let go, Jay held her close and kissed her underneath her ear, drawing more and more quiet moans from her lips. It'd been months since she'd felt anything resembling this moment, and she wanted it to last as long as it possibly could.

When her body stopped vibrating against Jay's, she relaxed against his chest and rested her head to the side of his. He hummed in response and rubbed his hand up her back.

"I love you," he murmured.

"Love you too," she breathed, closing her eyes, "So much."

Jay chuckled softly and tightened his arms around her before slowly rolling them down to the mattress.

"Jay," she whispered in shock.

"I'm okay," he replied, shifting down to get a better hold on her, "Better than okay." He met her gaze and smiled as he brushed the hair from her face. "You were beautiful."

She laughed softly and shook her head. "I don't know about that."

"I do. Trust me." His words brushed against her nose as he spoke, and she smiled wider at the feeling.

He set a hand on her hip and asked, "You okay if I…?"

She nodded and pressed her face in his throat as he completely pulled out of her. It dragged a quiet moan from her lips that she tried hiding by kissing beneath his jaw.

He slowly rubbed his hand along her spine in reply, occasionally scratching behind her neck.

"It wasn't the same," he began quietly, "But it was…everything I needed."

A smile flickered across Hailey's face, and she nodded. Trailing her fingers along his side, she breathed, "I loved it."

Jay shifted next to her, and she could feel him looking down at her. With her eyes closed, she could picture the look of amusement on his face.

She was not some sex-crazed person. She did not wake up in the morning craving that feeling of Jay inside her or against her. She did not start dating Jay because of his body and what she knew he could do to her.

That was not her.

She fell in love with him for his soul. The way he thought through every single thing he did. The way he treated victims like they were the only person he was concerned about. The way he talked with children. The way he laughed at any joke she uttered even if it wasn't funny. The way he used his anger to drive him forward in work. The way he trusted her with every fiber in his being.

He was a good man before, and he was still one now. He'd just made some mistakes in his life, and she couldn't keep holding that against him.

She'd made mistakes too. Because of those mistakes, they'd hit several bumpy paths in their relationship, but they overcame them. If they could do that – get through murder and lies – they could get through this.

And they probably already did.

It wasn't the sex that fixed them. It was the talking and working on themselves – allowing others to see them at their most vulnerable mental capacity – that allowed them to find their way back to each other.

The sex was just a bonus.

One that made her feel even lighter and closer to Jay than before. It'd had all the fluttering, nervous feelings from their first night ever, the connection from their first night engaged, and the desperation and need from their first time as a married couple. All together, it was kind of a lot, but it worked.

It would have been nice if Jay could have pressed her back into the mattress himself, but that was just something she could look forward to in the future. They'd crossed the line tonight to welcome future chances at reconnecting. This was not a one and done.

Like they'd promised in the kitchen of her old apartment in the middle of their first night together, they were not a one-night stand. They wanted to be together through it all. They'd been imagining how good the next step of their relationship could be, and they both wanted to nurture it and see where it could go.

That one night years before could not have predicted any of the bad things that were to come – her father's heart attack hours later, her murdering someone and covering it up, his PTSD resurfacing, his struggle with understanding who he was, Bolivia – but they could have anticipated all the good.

Waking up together, tangled in their bed sheets. Surprising each other in the shower after a long day. Date nights that went from sharing a whiskey to sharing a meal. Wandering hands and stolen kisses. Countless "I love you"s.

It was better than they ever could have imagined.

"Just think about what it'll be like when I can actually move," Jay whispered.

Hailey laughed and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. "I can," she murmured against his throat, "And I can't wait, but for now-"

"For now, I'm going to live here and bask in this," Jay finished, "You're too beautiful to ignore."

It was the second time just now in the last five minutes that he'd called her beautiful, but, like all the other times he'd said it to her, she still blushed. She pressed herself impossibly closer to him and silently agreed to live in this moment, not the ones to come and certainly not the ones in the past.

This one was filled with all the happiness and love she'd been longing for for months. It was too good to ignore.


Jay managed to stay awake for approximately half an hour before falling asleep in the middle of sleepily mumbling about eventually getting a dog together. Hailey had been happily listening and laughing along with him as he imagined a life in a brick house with a small backyard. It wasn't something he often did, but it always put a brighter outlook on their marriage when they could sit and imagine a new life together.

Who could say if they'd really have two boys and a girl in their future? Maybe they could have a dog that helped keep their nightmares away. With her mom being a twin; that was possible too. Or, they could have just one boy that they loved more than anything or even a little girl born on Christmas. The possibilities for their future were endless, and now she could see herself actually picturing it again.

As Jay peacefully slept next to her, the insomnia he was predicting would happen occurred, and she could not even attempt to force herself to pretend to sleep as well. Instead, she stayed up for a while, simply tracing senseless patterns over Jay's slowly rising and falling chest.

It'd been far too long since she'd felt safe enough to do this – even since she had the opportunity to do it, but here Jay was, asleep and pain free, so she let herself enjoy the feeling of his bare skin beneath her fingertips.

He was perfect.

She could say all she wanted that he was perfectly imperfect, but that'd be a lie. Jay was the perfect husband for her. He'd hurt her and made mistakes, but he loved her with his whole heart, and that was all she ever wanted in a relationship. That was all her uncle ever wanted for her.

She hoped Jay understood that today when she'd taken him to the cemetery.

Through her uncle, she'd been able to learn more about herself and her feelings for Jay. His reemergence in her dreams and her heart reminded her of what she wanted in a man and what Jay gave her. Just like when he was alive, he was able to help her see the light and see the future that she deserved and the one she wanted.

Her uncle believed in her then, and he'd believe in her now. She was able to make her marriage survive. He would remind her to lean into the love she had for Jay and that nothing could truly break her if she put her mind to it. He'd probably call her his firefly too.

She smiled at the thought and rested her head on Jay's good shoulder. She'd give anything to hear him call her that again.


Jay had been asleep for close to an hour when Hailey realized the senseless patterns she was slowly tracing on his skin were hearts with his name scattered about.

When they first started dating, before they said the big three words that changed her life for the better, they left each other little hearts every where: on sticky-notes in their lockers when no one was watching, in texts whenever they'd think of each other, on napkins when making a meal for the other. It was always a cute surprise that would bring a smile to her face, even when she was the one leaving the heart for Jay. She liked the idea that he was going to flip open a case folder and find a yellow sticky-note with a heart drawn on it just for him. He'd be surprised and maybe blush, and it would all be because of her.

She wanted to get back to that.

Rolling off of Jay, she padded out of bed and into the kitchen to do just as she wanted. She found their pad of sticky-notes in the junk drawer, grabbed a pen, and drew a perfect heart right in the middle of it. The best place to put it would be somewhere Jay wasn't expecting it, but since he probably wasn't even thinking their hearts would resurface, anywhere would do.

Hailey looked around the apartment and let out a soft sigh. It was going to be the first heart in months; it needed to be good. On his coffee mug felt boring, and his laptop was just about at the same level. She wanted to think of a place she hadn't placed a heart before.

Returning to their bedroom with the sticky-note in hand, she was bending down to place it on his discarded t-shirt when she realized a better place to put it, so she opened the drawer on his side table and glanced inside to see what it could stick to. There was the bottle of extra strength pain pills they'd picked up the second day they returned to Chicago that he'd yet to use, a word search book he'd do when he needed to be closer to his mom, a box of condoms she was sure had expired that he'd taken from his old apartment, a pack of tissue, and the manila envelope that had been in his package from Bolivia. It was the same envelope she knew his friends had packed her letter in.

She absentmindedly dropped the sticky-note on top of his book of word searches and picked up the manila envelope. Inside, she remembered seeing a few drawings in addition to her letters, but Jay had never showed her what they were.

After their talk the week before, he'd put the letters back in the envelope while she was in the bathroom then placed them where she didn't know. Now that she'd found them, she really did want to look back at what she'd written, but she also didn't want to go sneaking around behind his back. When Jay was ready, he could show her what else was in the envelope besides the letters that had warmed her heart while simultaneously making her cry as she wrote them.

She placed the envelope back in his drawer then walked over to her own. Sitting on the mattress, she opened her drawer and pulled out her stack of letters from Jay. The one on top happened to be the one filled with all the hearts he'd drawn her for their anniversary, and it, surprisingly, brought tears to her eyes.

Dear Hailey,

I'm sorry. I am. I would do anything I could to be there with you right now. I know I'm doing the right thing for me and for us, but it doesn't make any of this any easier. It's our first wedding anniversary, and we're not together. I'm sorry.

Instead of focusing on that, though, let's focus on us and what's to come. When I get back, we'll have the world ahead of us. We can go to Greece like you've been wanting, we can eat cheesecake (I'm stupidly craving it right now, go ahead and make fun of me), we can spend a day at the lake, we can do anything – even just binge watch TV. Whatever you want. The world is ours.

One year of marriage to the most beautiful girl I ever laid eyes on. You're smart and funny and a damn good cook. You listen to me even when I'd prefer not to talk at all. Do you remember when you sent me to therapy just a couple months into being partners? That changed my life, Hailey, and I did it all because of you.

I have a good life with you at my side. I know I'm here trying to figure out how to keep going in that life and how to be a better man for you, but I will figure it out so I can get back to you. You are my everything, and I love you so much.

If I was home, I'd be making you waffles and coffee for breakfast. Nothing crazy because I know we'd be working and the chances of getting it off would be slim to none. But still, you'd have breakfast prepared and on the counter by the time you get out of the shower – that is, if I wasn't in there with you. I'd do anything to kiss you right now if I could. Back to breakfast, though, I'd leave a heart on the napkin, just like I did the first time I made you breakfast back in my apartment.

So since I can't do all of that for you now, here are a bunch of hearts. It's corny, I know, but I love you, so it's ok. Think of them as every kiss I'd give you times 100. Ok, that was extra corny. Don't tell anyone I said that.

I love you, Hailey Upton. My partner. My best friend. My wife. My everything.

Happy anniversary, babe.

Your husband, Jay

Call me when you get this. I miss your voice.

Hailey sniffled at the memory of receiving this particular letter. It'd destroyed her. When Jay had first left, she continued going to work; she needed something to distract her and keep her mind busy. And then when she discovered the human trafficking case, she couldn't stop working. It physically pained her to imagine not going to work and bringing some sort of justice to all the victims. Because she did her job, though, that case did come to an end…right before her anniversary.

Trudy, and Voight actually, tried getting her to take some time off after they'd submitted the last of the paperwork. She ignored them and worked another small case and the start of another. Too soon, though, her anniversary came and a wave of emotions washed over her.

She remembered how she took a much longer shower that morning and had simply cried instead of even washing her body. It was the only thing she had enough energy to do. Her breakfast consisted of half a cup of coffee and a piece of gum Adam offered her two hours later – that was all she had all day.

She just couldn't stop remembering the feeling of running off to the courthouse and getting married on a whim. They had absolutely nothing planned for their wedding anyways, so it all worked. Scratch that, Jay had asked Will to be his best man, so that caused for some issues the next morning when they FaceTimed him with their rings firmly on their left hands and had to listen to him complain about not even getting a text that the wedding was happening. But still, the entire thing was fun and made her feel free.

Just like tonight had.

Only months before when she was remembering that freedom, it had been incredibly painful. All day, she'd struggled at work and could barely focus on anything. While everyone gave her strange looks when they thought she wasn't looking, no one said anything about her being at work. She was well aware that they knew it was her anniversary – there had been a "one-week anniversary" celebration at Molly's the year before with all of their friends that Will had thrown – so she was actually grateful that none of them brought it up.

The next day had been a lot of the same – painful silence, missing Jay, hating what her life had come to, struggling to work through her emotions – until she returned to the apartment late at night. Reluctantly, she'd checked her mailbox just to find the letter from Jay celebrating their anniversary, and she was done for.

The intense emotions she experienced scared her. Looking back, she was sure she'd had a panic attack in bed that night as she'd struggled to breathe and work through all her feelings surrounding what her marriage looked like. Her past encounters with "love" came rushing back to her, and she felt like she'd truly failed her life and herself – done the exact thing she was afraid of. She remembered getting sick from the fear and adrenaline that had been coursing through her to the point that she fell asleep for an hour on the bathroom tile. It'd been awful.

It was also the one time she took a day off of work to deal with her emotions regarding Jay leaving. She was sure the text she'd sent Trudy just past 4am was even less coherent than the one she'd sent upon learning that Jay was at Walter Reed. She didn't even think she could properly see or breathe as she hit send.

Somehow, she survived the horror that was that day. She'd been able to pick herself up off the bathroom floor, spent an entire day attempting some sort of self-care in the safe place that was her bed bearing new sheets in an attempt to get a fresh start, and had actually called Jay to have their longest phone conversation yet – a solid thirty-four minutes – about their anniversary and what their life could look like in the coming months even though none of it ended up being correct. The whole day had felt impossible, but she lived.

Those hand drawn hearts had somehow helped her get through her first wedding anniversary.

Hailey wiped her fist under her nose before tracing her finger over those same hearts. While the ones she drew were always on the wider side and very circular, Jay's were long and pointy looking. She could always make out where exactly he'd lifted his pen while drawing it, and it made her smile every time. Like Jay, they were perfect even if they were a bit rough around the edges.

She loved them.

Glancing back at Jay still sleeping, she spotted the scar on his chest she'd grown to love over the course of their relationship. Despite all the pain it'd caused her – and obviously caused him – she was glad that she could still see it underneath the other burns and scars he'd just received.

She looked back at the hearts on the letter then bit her lip over a small smile, knowing exactly how she could win in their heart game. She knew the perfect place to put a heart that would surely make Jay smile upon finding it.

Hailey slid the letters back in her drawer then laid down next to Jay, tossing her arm over his middle as she cuddled close to him. In his sleep, he made a quiet noise and turned his head down toward hers, almost holding her even closer to him.

She closed her eyes, smiling even more at the feeling, and brushed her thumb over his stomach before easily falling asleep against all odds.

Her day had taken a much needed turn for the better, and she was planning on taking the next day off for once to keep it going.

There was a lot more good in the world, and Hailey was ready to experience it all again.

Finally.


A/N: Let me know what you think? See you next week!