Jay's hands slid down Hailey's back, pressing her closer against him so all she could feel was her bare skin moving with him.
"I love you," she murmured against his lips.
He chuckled quietly and kissed down her jaw. "I love you too," he whispered in her ear, "Beautiful wife."
She moaned softly and dragged her nails down his back so that he arched further against her. He buried his face against her throat, digging his teeth into her shoulder so that she let out another noise of want.
"I love you," she hazily repeated as she continued rocking her hips into his, "All I need forever."
"You'll always have me," Jay breathed against her skin, "Always."
Hailey moaned and tipped her head back, flexing her legs and feeling him again within her after what felt like years of separation.
They were home.
And they were married.
Finally.
Hailey woke with a gasp as the bed seemed to jerk beneath her. Blinking her eyes quickly, she spun around in the bed in time to see Jay struggling to get out of the bedroom. Her wedding night dream faded from her mind, and she quickly made her way out of the bed.
"Jay," she called out through the dark, hurrying to follow him into the kitchen, "Jay."
"No, no, no." He was mumbling to himself as he threw open the fridge and searched for something inside. "No, no, no."
"Jay," Hailey repeated. She practically ran around the kitchen island dressed only in his t-shirt and grabbed his left hand. "Jay!"
He spun from her, pulling his hand away so quickly that it banged against the refrigerator door.
Hailey's face fell, and she put her hands up. "It's okay," she said softly, "It's just me. You're okay."
Jay blinked quickly then nodded. "I-I know. I know. Sorry. I know."
Hailey hesitantly took a step closer to him and asked quietly, "Nightmare?"
Again, Jay nodded. His eyes darted back to the fridge, but he also reached over with his right hand to rub at his elbow.
"Okay," Hailey said softly, "We'll figure it out. Come here."
Jay chewed his bottom lip then grabbed her hand. She could feel his clammy palm against hers and noted the sweat that'd formed on his forehead.
Years before, when they weren't even dating, she'd overheard Adam talking to Kevin in the locker room about finding Jay asleep in the middle of a nightmare in the break room. He'd whispered something about Jay coming up swinging, and she originally thought he was just being dramatic. But then, hours later, she found herself holding Jay off while he seemed to be stuck in his head as he yelled at a Muslim woman in her basement because he thought she was holding a bomb beneath her baby, and she could imagine what Adam had walked in on.
It'd always been something she kept in the back of her mind after that. When they'd started dating and they began sleeping over each other's apartments, she was always conscious of how fast she moved and what she said whenever Jay would wake her up with a nightmare. She didn't want to be on the other end of any remaining anger or fear within him, not because she thought he'd hurt her, but because she knew he'd never forgive himself if he did – even if it was an accident.
Hailey led him to the island and pulled out a bar stool for him. Remaining quiet, she returned to the fridge to grab their water pitcher. As she put together a glass of ice water for Jay, she kept glancing at him out of the corner of her eye to see him quietly panting for breath and going between rubbing his chest and his arm.
"Drink this," she said softly when she set the water in front of him. She stayed in front of him, slowly brushing her fingers over his right arm as she watched him struggle to drink the water fast enough.
When he'd last had a nightmare at Walter Reed, she couldn't do anything but listen to him as he struggled to breathe and return to reality. Now, she was right here in front of him and attempting to help him just like she had probably a dozen times before in their relationship. It was better than at the hospital, but it still didn't feel right - she didn't think she could ever get used to it or feel anything but sadness when it happened.
"I thought…I thought…"
"Shh, shh, we'll figure it out," she whispered as she took another step closer to him. Shaking her head, she gently touched his trembling hand around his glass of water. "Finish that glass, then we'll sit on the couch for a bit."
Jay closed his eyes and nodded before trying to take a long sip of water. He muttered against the rim so that some of the ice water spilt on his shirt.
"What was that?" Hailey asked softly, reaching around his arm to wipe at the water.
"Just-Just…I don't know…came out of nowhere," Jay mumbled, "I don't know."
Frowning, Hailey nodded and brushed her thumb over his left shoulder. "It's okay; it happens. Did you hurt yourself when-"
"Yeah," Jay sighed. He set the nearly empty glass down and rubbed at his eyes. "God dammit."
Hailey shook her head. "Don't get like that. We'll figure it out. Do you want some ice for it?"
Jay nodded and groaned underneath his breath.
"Jay, we'll figure it out," Hailey repeated before kissing his cheek and retreating quickly to their bathroom. She found their ice pack next to the sink where it'd been going for the last few weeks anytime either of them dumped it out so it could dry. They'd been using it so often that there seemed no point in properly putting it away.
When she returned to the kitchen, she wasn't surprised to see that Jay hadn't moved at all. The glass of water still had just one sip left right next to him as he continued quietly mumbling and swearing to himself at the island.
Hailey filled up the ice-pack before going to gently grab his hand. "Let's go to the couch. Come on," she said quietly.
Jay took a minute before nodding again and slipping from the bar stool. His grip tightened on her hand as he shakily led her to the couch. Once he sat, he groaned again and tipped his head back against the cushions. "Dammit," he mumbled again.
"Don't even, Jay Halstead," Hailey whispered as she helped him get the ice where he needed it.
He hummed and let out a sound almost like a laugh.
"What?" she said softly, brushing her hand over the back of his head.
"Really had to full-name me?" he replied.
Hailey smiled and shook her head. She pulled her legs up on the couch and leaned back against the cushions as well.
Slowly, Jay's breathing returned to normal, and he relaxed enough to turn on the couch and lean his head against hers. "Thank you," he murmured.
"Always here for you," she replied, lifting her hand up to brush against his chest.
He kissed the top of her head then closed his eyes. After a minute, Hailey almost thought he was falling back asleep, but then he said quietly, "It was from Bolivia. Never happened before. I didn't think…I didn't think that'd happen, but I guess it makes since."
Hailey nodded, but otherwise remained rather still against him besides softly rubbing her thumb over his slowly thumping heart. "You went through a lot," she whispered, "You got hurt. You can't just forget that."
"I want to," he breathed, "Now I have to relive another car accident for years."
"Jay," she said softly, sadness seeping through her.
"Just part of the job, right?" he sighed, "You get hurt: nightmares. You hurt someone: nightmares. You watch a friend die: nightmares. You just exist over there: nightmares."
Hailey sat up, nodding at his words, but hating every fact he stated. "It's not fair," she said, "You went through enough, and now you're back here reliving it. I can't imagine what it's like."
"But you can," Jay said, a frown evident on his face, "You got them because I was over there too. You just said that the other day. How is that fair? I left, and you got nightmares on top of being afraid during the day? That sounds like hell."
"Well…it…Jay, that doesn't-"
"Hailey, don't baby me. You just said the other day about how stressed and scared you were and how it's still affecting you when you sleep."
Hailey bit her lip and slowly nodded. "Fine," she said quietly, "Yes, it was like hell, but we can't use my experience to forget yours. We both need to admit that we went through awful things without each other; however, right now, you're the one who's reliving all of that – not me."
Jay grumbled quietly, but nodded. He carefully shifted his left arm so that he could drag his hand down the back of her hair. "Okay," he replied.
Hailey nodded back and lightly kissed his cheek. "Did you want to talk about what happened?" she asked softly.
Jay's frown deepened, and he glanced down at his lap. Shrugging slightly, he said, "It was weird – like a memory I didn't know I had. When I think about what happened that day, it's pretty much a blur. There's…intense pain; I don't even know if I can really explain it. But that's pretty much it until I woke up and you were there, and, even then, everything's much clearer from that second day when I found out…well, you know."
Hailey nodded again and said softly, "I do."
"Anyways, um, so this dream – or nightmare, whatever – was…I was awake. Laying there on the ground with smoke everywhere and just searing pain all down my arm. Flames everywhere, everything way too hot. Just…just burning alive. I-I-"
He broke off with a shaky breath, and Hailey brushed her thumb behind his ear. "You're safe now," she whispered, "You're at home. You survived."
"I almost didn't, though," Jay said unevenly, "I almost…I almost died and-and left you alone."
"Jay," Hailey said clearly, fighting back her own fears bubbling within her stomach, "Jay, look at me right now. You did not die. You are here in Chicago right now. Right now, we're awake on the couch in our apartment."
Jay's voice broke off, and he whispered, "I was burning alive. How did I survive? I should be dead."
Hailey shook her head and brushed her thumbs under his eyes, catching the stray tears starting to pool. "You should not be dead. You were meant to survive. It doesn't matter how; all that matters is that you did. The world wasn't done with you just yet. We all needed more of you in our lives."
"But why?" Jay breathed.
"Why are we alive?" Hailey asked, "Jay, that is…that's everything we're trying to figure out, right? It's a huge question."
He shrugged and hazily wiped at the sweat still on his forehead.
Hailey studied him for a moment then nodded to herself. She tried pasting a smile on her face and gently said, "You're alive because you make me laugh. You make me feel safe. You know that when I've done something like slip up at work or even just get a paper cut that you can come up behind me and kiss me and I'll smile. You know that I really do like brownies, but not with nuts because I choked on one when I was 19."
"Choked on a nut," Jay chuckled quietly.
Hailey laughed and nodded, blinking quickly past tears in her eyes. "I did. I choked on a nut, and you always find a way to make me laugh about it. You know where to poke me just right to make me laugh and beg for you to stop even though we both know I don't want you to. You know that some nights I really do just need a warm towel after a shower or a mug of tea before bed. You're alive because you're meant to be here, and that's more than just me, okay? You're here for all our friends too and for the entire world."
Taking a deep breath, Hailey tilted her head to the side and continued, "You're here because of all the good you do and are going to do. Jay, you signed up to teach at the academy because you truly believe you can make a difference, and we all believe you can too. You're alive because you're a good man. God or the universe or just your own will believed in you. Whatever we want to believe and look to for guidance is what existed in you to fight through all that pain you were going through. I'm not saying just to forget it and move on, but to use it to keep pushing you forward. Use that fire – literally – to remind yourself of who you are and all that you've overcome. It is terrifying, and I am in awe of you every single day for what you've survived, but you cannot keep questioning why the worst didn't happen. Focus on the good in the world, Jay, and all that good is going to keep living within you. I promise. You are a good man, my man, and you were meant to live a long, happy, healthy life. Afghanistan didn't take it from you. Bolivia didn't take it from you. And I refuse to let you take it from yourself."
Jay slowly shook his head before dropping the ice from his arm and hugging Hailey tightly to his chest. "Thank you," he whispered in her ear, "Thank you for giving me a place to come home to and for…well, that."
Hailey smiled into his shirt and rubbed her hands over his back. "You'll always be my home, and I promise to always be yours."
"Forever." Jay kissed the side of her head and took a deep breath. "I love you so much, Hailey."
She hummed in response and breathed, "I love you too."
Jay sank against her, pressing her against the cushions as she held him tight against her, continuously running her hands over him. She knew how terrified she'd been herself whenever she'd woken up from one of the nightmares she'd had before and how all she'd wanted was Jay. She couldn't even imagine what Jay had gone through by not only reliving his accident, but also thinking about laying on the ground burning, just wishing for someone to come save him. It sounded horrifying.
One thing they never dared talk about no matter the status of their relationship was dying. It seemed too taboo to be cops working frequently dangerous jobs to even bother talking about. They had brushes with death each day, why spend even more time at home being scared of it? It was obvious they were scared and would be a waste of time to discuss.
There was one exception to that rule, and it ended up being just like tonight.
After Hailey had jumped in the Chicago River and they'd solved the stalking, Jay had sat her down on their bed and told her how badly she'd scared him. He knew why she'd done what she'd done, but he'd also been upset that she possibly could have died in doing so. They'd just gotten married, and she was running about doing dangerous stunts. It wasn't an argument, and he certainly wasn't mad at her, but it was more of a reminder of everything she had to lose now.
Tonight felt like that as Jay sat still occasionally trembling in her arms: they were both reminded of how dangerously close he'd come to death weeks before, and it was all the more terrifying. Hailey finally let a few tears of her own fall down her cheeks, closing her eyes when she knew they hit Jay. She couldn't lose him – not after everything they'd gone through together.
She slipped back on the couch until she was laying beneath Jay with her head on a pillow and his on her chest.
"Here, let me," Jay quietly began while sitting up.
"I'm okay," she replied, "Just lay down. You've fallen asleep on top of me before."
A slight smile crossed Jay's face, but he still gently pushed her until he could settle behind her against the cushions. "I'd rather hold you," he said quietly while wrapping his arms around her, "Feel that you're real."
Hailey nodded, sniffling as she brushed her hands along his arms. "Okay," she said softly, "Whatever you need. We don't even need to fall asleep right now either."
"Thank you," Jay answered with a light squeeze around her.
She hummed back and shifted to get more comfortable. Letting out a breath, she closed her eyes and relaxed against Jay with tears still occasionally falling down her cheeks.
He'd been in a car accident that resulted in him burning on the ground just waiting for someone to come save him, but he was here right now. He was alive behind her; his heart thumping against her back. He hadn't died like he'd thought he would. She promised to be thankful for that every day of the rest of her life.
Hailey woke up with her back hurting and her side numb, but she didn't want to say anything about it. She would sleep on the couch with Jay every single night if it meant that he didn't have a nightmare ever again.
Hell, she would have done it if it guaranteed she wouldn't have any more nightmares.
She didn't want to stick around, though, choosing instead to slip off the couch and out of Jay's arms so that she could fix the blanket he'd haphazardly thrown on them sometime after she'd fallen asleep. Kissing his forehead before standing up, she let out a soft sigh and stared at the way his left arm was bent against his body.
She brought the ice-pack back to the kitchen to refill it then set it back on him in hopes that it'd at least dull the pain he was sure to be in upon waking up.
Glancing at the clock on the stove, it would have been acceptable to take the day off of work: she only had an hour to get there, and any other normal person would have called in. Personally, she did want to take the day off. While Jay had had nightmares in front of her before, the fact that he'd had one about what had happened to him in Bolivia for the first time worried her. She didn't want him to figure it all out on his own.
She knew she would have liked to have him there for her when she first started having nightmares about him dying or leaving her, but that could have just been because she missed him. He had her; there was no reason for him to truly miss her, which just seemed to be another reason for her to stay: if she went to work, he might get upset, but if she stayed, she'd at least be there to support him in whatever way he needed.
Deciding that she could think it over while making breakfast, Hailey rubbed her hand down Jay's side then returned to the kitchen where she began making waffles and a pot of coffee. The smell of it all began waking her up and brought a smile to her face.
This was what home was: breakfast with her husband and spending time with him in a little bubble. She liked blocking out the rest of the world and only focusing on the life she was building with Jay. It felt like everything she ever wanted when she was younger.
And, like when she was younger, she couldn't avoid pouring too much syrup on her waffle. It made her smile as she brought her plate over to sit in the chair near Jay.
As she ate across from him, she watched him sleep, grateful that he'd seemed to find some amount of peace throughout the night. He hadn't even appeared to really move since they'd fit themselves together on the couch. There wasn't an ounce of stress on his face, and she couldn't help but fall in love with him even more. Without work, he hadn't been shaving as often, and she instantly got used to it. A small part of her was even worried about what he was going to do when his new job officially started; she didn't think she was ready to say goodbye to the beard just yet.
At least, that's what she was going to tell herself was what she would miss the most: the fact that Jay wasn't going to be back in Intelligence was a bit too nerve-wracking to focus on right now.
She had just finished her waffles and was working on her cup of coffee when Jay slowly stretched out on the couch.
"Oh my god," he quietly groaned, causing her to shoot off the chair and hurry over to him.
"Hey, hey, it's okay," she said softly as she slipped her hand under his arm to attempt to steady him as he sat up.
Jay nodded and rubbed his hand over his face before rotating his left arm around. He winced and quietly swore under his breath.
"Ice didn't help much, did it?" Hailey quietly asked.
Jay glanced up at her and repeated, "Ice?"
Hailey nodded and picked up the ice-pack that had fallen when he'd sat up. "I tried setting it where I thought it'd be sore."
"Oh, thank you," Jay replied softly. He took the ice from her and set it to his shoulder with a sigh. "Maybe not our best idea to sleep on the couch," he mumbled.
Hailey let out a soft laugh and said, "Probably not."
Jay groaned then looked over his shoulder. Squinting at the stove, he asked, "What time is it?"
"Uh, like 7:30," Hailey answered.
Jay spun back to look at her and said, "Are you serious? What're you still doing here? You're going to be late."
"It's fine," she said quickly, "I wanted to stay here with you. I was actually going to call Trudy once I finished my coffee."
"No, I'm okay," Jay said, shaking his head, "Go to work, really, I'm going to be fine."
Hailey raised an eyebrow and said, "Jay, last night was kind of rough. I thought we could take it slow and have a movie day. Kind of like when we were back at Walter Reed."
"And I would love that," Jay said softly, "But you can't put your life on hold because I had a rough night. I have therapy today anyways, and I promise you that I'll work through everything that happened there."
"Are you sure?" Hailey asked, "You're not embarrassed or anything, are you? Because you don't have to be."
"I promise you I'm not," Jay replied. He lightly kissed her cheek then hugged her to him. "I love you," he murmured, "And I appreciate everything you've done for me in the last few hours. Honestly."
She closed her eyes and nodded, knowing in her gut that he really was telling her the truth. She ran her hand over the back of his hair then said quietly, "I love you too. Do you promise to call me, though, if you need anything at all?" Sitting back, she continued to say, "I'm serious. Like food or if you take a nap again or need a back rub or just to talk – I will pick up the phone and even come here as fast as I can."
Without any uncertainty on his face, Jay nodded and squeezed her hand. "I promise you that I will keep you in the loop today."
Hailey let out a breath then hesitantly nodded. "Okay, then. I believe you – I trust you."
A smile spread across Jay's face. "Thank you," he said, "That means...that means a lot."
Hailey smiled slightly and placed her hand on the side of his neck. "You're welcome." She glanced back at the kitchen and sighed. "One more promise?" she asked.
Jay chuckled, and he said, "It will honestly depend on what it is, but hit me."
Hailey's lips tipped up, and she asked, "Promise to eat the waffles I made for breakfast?"
Hailey showed up to work fifteen minutes late with dried syrup on the side of her lips.
To her surprise, she was not the only person who was late: she knew Kim had plans with Makayla's school, so she wasn't there at all, but Adam was the one who was walking up the steps into the bullpen another ten minutes after Hailey arrived.
"I know, I know," he said quietly to no one in particular while heading to his desk, "Rough night, even rougher morning. I'll stay an extra bit today or come in this weekend for some overtime. I'm sorry."
Hailey glanced over at Dante and raised an eyebrow. In response, he shrugged and kept his head down to continue working at his computer.
"Do you need anything?" Kevin asked, "We could buy you ten if you needed to head to the locker room and cool off."
"No, no, I'm fine. Well, I'm not. I mean, I am, Kim's not, but that's beside the point," Adam sighed, "Just…is the machine warmed up?"
"I'll go start it," Hailey said softly, standing without waiting for him to even reply to her.
"You're the best," Adam breathed as he sank back into his chair.
Hailey shot him a small smile then headed into the break room. She started the coffee and leaned against the counter, absentmindedly wiping at the dried syrup on her lips. As she stared at the machine heating the water, she continued over-thinking whether or not she should have left Jay alone at home. Now that she knew Adam was also not on top of his game today, she would have felt bad leaving everyone and taking a half-day, but she also didn't want to put work above Jay. From the beginning, that seemed to be one of the factors in how they got into this mess.
"Again, amazing," Adam said when he walked in the break room just as the coffee had poured into one of the mugs he frequently used.
Hailey laughed slightly and shook her head. "I don't know about that." She passed him the mug then set her own - or, rather, one of Jay's - beneath the machine to get coffee of her own.
"You mind if I ask you a personal thing?" Adam asked, his hand already poised on the door to shut it depending on her answer.
Hailey shook her head again and glanced over at him. "Go for it."
Nodding, Adam closed the door then made his way to the couch. He sat down and took a slow sip of coffee before saying, "Jay gets nightmares, right?"
Hailey let out a breath and turned to face him. "Yeah, he does," she answered tiredly, "He actually had one last night. It was the first one since he came home. I was late coming in too because of it."
Adam hummed and said, "Bad night for insomniacs then, huh? Feel like I'm gonna be screwed tonight."
Hailey tried to laugh while shrugging. "I don't know," she said, turning back to watch her mug finish filling up.
"What do you do when he gets them?" Adam asked, "Because I cannot seem to figure it out. Kim's had five now where she wakes up just…I can't believe Mak doesn't hear her sometimes. It's terrifying. I don't know the best way to get her out of her head. I try breathing stuff and holding her hand and telling her I care about her, but it's like she's frozen – kind of a night terror thing. Am I missing something?"
Picking up her mug, Hailey shook her head and sat at the table. "No," she said, "It's a weird thing to figure out. I've been around maybe a dozen or so of Jay's. Water helps him whether he's taking a shower or drinking a cold glass. Maybe try that with Kim? When it happened at Walter Reed, he was given some medicine too, so that could be an option."
Adam nodded along with her. "Okay, cold water and medicine. I'll see if I can get her to bring it up with her therapist. And a shower? What do you mean?"
Hailey closed her eyes as she sipped her coffee.
For her, feeling the ice water pour over her, making it impossible for her to even attempt to open her eyes, was like thrusting herself into a new world. It jolted her awake and gave her a feeling she knew her mind wouldn't be able to replicate in a dream. It brought her back to reality.
"It was his thing long before I met him," she explained quietly, "He just gets out of bed sometimes and goes to sit underneath the shower until he feels better. Gets him out of his head, I think."
"Huh, all right then," Adam said, nodding again, "I'll keep that in mind for next time because I'm imagining there's going to be a next time."
"Talking helps," Hailey continued. She ran her finger over the edge of her mug and said, "I tell him I love him, remind him he's safe, tell him he's in Chicago – stuff like that."
"Makes sense," Adam noted. He sat back into the couch and said, "The Chicago thing might not help Kim, though, since she almost died in Chicago."
And Jay almost died in Bolivia.
Hailey closed her eyes again and took a deep breath at the parallel to her own night. Jay almost died. He almost died. He was still alive. He had not died in Bolivia or Chicago or anywhere. He was home.
"Mak's school asked for volunteers for today. I told Kim she didn't have to go in, that I'd take her spot, but she insisted – said she'd made a commitment and that she wanted to show Makayla that she'd always come first. Was that a mistake? Should I have fought harder? I mean, I could have taken the spot."
"I don't know."
"I'm okay, Hailey, really. I've dealt with nightmares before."
"But not about this last time."
"I know, I know, but this time, I'm in therapy, so I have access to help. I'll make sure to utilize that today, I promise you. Go to work."
He'd been so insistent whereas she'd been hesitant even right in the doorway of their apartment. Her hand ghosted over her phone in her pocket, and she hoped she would feel it when it buzzed, signaling his promise to keep her updated with all he did today. She couldn't get his face out of her mind: when he'd been in the kitchen right after the nightmare, on the couch as he slept, mere inches from hers as he wished her goodbye this morning. He used to be everywhere she was, but now that wasn't true. Now she was alone at work, wishing he was here with her. Wishing he was safe.
"I think I wish that I could take Kim's nightmares away from her. I wish I was the one who was shot and had to deal with the PTSD. She's too…she's too damn pure to have to go through all of that. After losing the baby too? No. It's too much for one person. I don't know how she does it."
"She's strong."
Jay had told her that once. He'd said that Kim was strong and that she'd gone through hell. With a shaky breath, she urged herself to forget that night and all that had happened with Voight. Voight who had then dragged her husband away from her because of that very night. It was not the happiest of memories to be dealing with. Not when she was already struggling to survive today.
"Damn right. Jay too. He's strong. What's he doing today to deal with last night?"
"Therapy and the gym. Kind of laying low, I think. He wanted me to come here too."
So I could deal with last night on my own. So I could try to forget what had happened. So I could distract myself with something real that I could experience for myself. So that I could try to restart my mind and body and remind myself that I was not working with my husband anymore. So I could move forward, just like what he was doing right now.
"They're more alike than I think they want to admit."
Adam's quiet chuckle faded away within Hailey's mind as she felt like drifting off to sleep. Jay and Kim were strong. Their nightmares came from physical pain, moments of torture, that were going to haunt them for the rest of their lives in addition to permanently scarring their bodies. Her nightmares were just out of fear. She'd wake up terrified of something that wasn't even true, just like when she was a kid and afraid of monsters under her bed. Now that she's grown, those monsters have transformed into drug cartels trying to murder her husband. They really existed just like the guns and bombs that had torn apart Kim and Jay's lives.
"Hey, Voight just came up, said he wanted you two to hear about some case."
"Yup, be right there."
Hailey opened her eyes to see Dante retreat from the break room as Adam stood up. He took another sip of coffee and said, "Thanks for listening and talking. It's nice knowing I'm not alone in this."
"Of course," Hailey replied softly, "Whatever you need."
Adam moved to walk out of the room then stopped and completely faced her. After holding her eye contact for a moment, he stated, "You're strong too, Hailey."
She relaxed slightly in the chair and breathed, "Thank you."
Adam nodded and reached over to squeeze her shoulder.
She flashed him a smile and nodded back at him. Watching as he walked toward the door, she felt an urge to share her own favorite cure to nightmares that she didn't think he'd mentioned in his list of things he'd tried to help Kim: "Hold her," she said softly, "I like when Jay holds me when I have a rough night. He's bigger than me, so I-I like feeling safe in my bed."
Adam looked over his shoulder at her and sent her a genuine smile. "You're also really brave," he said before walking out to sit on the edge of her desk. From there, he met her gaze again and held up his coffee.
She smiled back and stood up with her own mug. Taking a deep breath, she made her way out to the bullpen and sat in her chair.
Nightmares were all about vulnerability, and vulnerability led to being strong and brave. She might not have been the one who had the nightmare the night before, but she was still able to prove to herself that she could overcome those situations. She could share with others what she needed in that moment and what she liked to give in order to help someone cope with the same situation.
That was brave and perhaps the reason why she needed to come into work today.
She also needed to go into work because she found herself on the other side of the interrogation table as a rape victim. She listened to the young girl recount as many horrific details as she could about what had happened to her and asked gentle questions that made her heart ache. When she was done, the girl told her she was glad to have talked to another girl, that she'd been afraid coming to the station would result in her talking to an older guy about details about herself she'd never wanted to have to share with anyone. It nearly cured that ache that had begun in Hailey's heart.
She drove home that night feeling mentally and physically exhausted. The case that proved more difficult than usual drained everything that was left of her even after she'd spent a lot of the day glancing at the texts Jay was sending her about going to therapy and the gym. All she wanted to do now was curl up on the couch with her husband.
Opening the apartment door, she was surprised to be met with a fresh smell she wasn't quite sure had ever existed within her home before and soft Beatles music playing from the record player.
"There she is," Jay said from the kitchen. He smiled over at her as she slipped her coat and shoes off. "How was your day?"
She let out a weak laugh and asked, "What's going on?"
Jay stopped mixing whatever was in the bowl in front of him and pointed toward a bottle of wine on the island. "Our monthly wine came today: a French Vio…Viognier, I think. When I looked up what meals to eat with it, I found this recipe for crab cakes and avocado-mango salsa. Figured it sounded good and we've never had that before, at least I don't think we have, so I'm trying to make it. I've had a crab cake already, and I think it's good, so I hope you'll like it too."
"Oh, wow," Hailey breathed as she walked over to stand on the other side of the island, staring down at the food he'd prepared for them both.
"Okay," Jay said softly, setting down his spoon and sliding the bowl of salsa closer to her, "Damn, I'm a good cook."
Hailey weakly laughed and nodded. "This looks…wow, Jay."
"Expensive too," he sighed. He went to sit down at the island and slid a plate closer to himself. "So you're supposed to put the salsa on the crab cake, then we can have a bite and take a sip of wine. It's a whole thing."
Hailey nodded again and sat next to him. Watching him happily serve himself before pouring out the wine into two glasses, she chewed her bottom lip in guilt. Everything looked perfect. Jay had clearly put a lot of effort into the meal and was feeling much better than when she'd left that morning. He'd put any negative energy he might have had into doing something productive for the two of them, something fun that they hadn't done before, and all Hailey wanted to do was curl up under a blanket with chocolate ice-cream.
"Yeah, I'm a good cook," Jay said as he finished chewing his first bite of food, "You need to try it." He slid her glass of wine closer to her before filling up her plate, making sure to put a scoop of his salsa on top of each crab cake. "We'll try the wine at the same time, so take a bite."
She nodded slightly and picked up the crab cake. Biting into it, she knew the food was delicious – Jay really had done a great job on everything from the crab itself to the salsa on top – but she also knew her heart wasn't in it. She was exhausted and mentally drained, and this was maybe the last thing she wanted to do tonight.
Adam had said she was strong and brave - that being vulnerable was good for her. And, right now, she knew in her gut that's what she needed to be. She couldn't do like she'd done weeks before: she couldn't just pretend everything was fine when she wasn't. That wasn't fair to either of them.
"It's good," she said softly, "I'm impressed."
"Yeah?" Jay replied with a smile, "Okay, so the wine-"
Before he could even hold up his glass, though, Hailey said, "But I can't. I'm sorry, babe, I just…I can't do this right now."
Jay stopped where he was, the smile quickly falling from his face. "What?" he breathed.
"I can't," she repeated, tears coming to her eyes, "I'm so sorry. I know you spent a lot of money on the crab and then put all of this together, but I'm so tired. Today was…Jay, it was hard. I can't sit here and act like I'm okay when I'm really not."
"Okay," Jay said softly, "Okay. That's not a problem. Do not apologize." He quickly stood up and put a hand on her arm. "Do you want to lay down?"
Hailey nodded and wiped at her unshed tears as she stood up.
"All right," Jay said. He took a step with her then shook his head and pulled her into a hug. "I love you," he whispered, "Thank you for telling me. I'm sorry I was so stuck in my ass about the damn crab that I didn't realize you were feeling off."
Hailey let out a watery laugh and wrapped her arms around him. "I love you too," she breathed, "Thank you, but don't worry about it. That food does look good."
"Just not what you were looking for tonight?" Jay guessed as he straightened up.
Her lips tipped up, and she nodded. "Kind of just wanted some ice-cream and a hug."
"Well, lucky for you, I have a hug to give and can definitely go out and buy us some ice-cream," Jay said, smiling down at her.
Hailey laughed and squeezed his hand before leading him to their bedroom.
Hours later, Hailey found herself wrapped in one of Jay's hoodies sitting between his legs as they watched a movie on her laptop. They had empty bowls of ice-cream on the floor near their discarded jeans.
She felt at peace as she rested her head back on Jay's good shoulder and turned further into him away from the laptop. Jay had given her a few moments of silence once they'd crawled under the blankets together before quietly asking her about her day. For once, she didn't hesitate to share with him all the bad details. She cried in empathy for the girl she'd met and expressed all her anger at the monsters that existed out in the world. He nodded along with her, holding her hand and brushing away her tears with his thumb.
When he'd slipped away for about half an hour to get them ice-cream, she made her way into the kitchen to put away the food they'd left out. She hoped that it would warm up okay the following day for dinner and that the cork she placed in the wine bottle would save it as well, but she also promised herself that she would make it up to Jay somehow. They deserved to have a fancy dinner with wine and crab; today just wasn't the day.
And she realized she didn't feel bad about it either.
A quiet night with ice-cream, movies, and her husband was exactly what she needed after a long night and a hard day. She appreciated Jay's gestures and was proud of him for taking the nightmares from the night before and learning how to deal with them, but this was a moment she needed for herself.
She really could be vulnerable and brave and strong when everything else seemed to be falling apart. She could be her own hero by speaking up for what she needed and leaning into her husband, believing that he will catch her when she feels like she's failing at everything. She didn't have to be scared anymore of his feelings; she trusted him to let her know when he needed a break – just like she did tonight.
So as his hand shifted to her upper back and he held her tightly to him, Hailey relaxed and closed her eyes, blocking out the movie and simply focusing on Jay's heartbeat beneath her ear.
They were safe. They were alive. They were together.
It was all they ever needed.
A/N: A bit of sadness, but I think some of you were waiting for a chapter like this and I'm a bit proud of it, so I hope you all enjoyed! Talk soon!
