Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, or Fight Milk.

11:00 A.M.

On a Thursday

Philadelphia, PA

"I feel like you're not listening to what we're saying," said Charlie.

"Dude, a cat cannot fight a pitbull! Pitbulls have too much mass!" said Mac emphatically.

"Well, under normal circumstances, yeah, a pitbull would eviscerate a cat," said Harry "but what I'm saying is that once we hook the cat on Fight Milk, that's a whole different story."

"Nah, the pit bull would still win," Frank said dismissively, munching on his egg. "What ya need is a whole bunch of cats, and then give 'em Fight Milk."

"But after the pitbull devours one cat, won't it then just get all blood lusted from the Fight Milk?" asked Dee.

"Only if we soak the cats in it like with a Rum Ham," explained Charlie "The pitbull wouldn't have enough time to absorb both the catteins and crowteins before the other cats are on him."

"But those other cats aren't going to do anything once that shit kicks in!" said Mac. "Once that happens, it's just going to be a slaughter."

"Not if we have the right amount of cats," said Harry. "Right now, I'm thinking seven or eight to start, and depending on what wins we go from there. We'll get the keys from Cricket, take Dee's car to the shelter-"

"-Woah, why my car!?-"

"-get the cats, bring them back here, hook them on Fight Milk, and then after a week we pick up the pitbull-"

"Hold on, hold on, hold on," interrupted Dennis "All this talk about cats and dogs ripping each other to pieces; I've been very much on board with that. But not if it means bringing them back to the bar."

"Why not?" asked Charlie.

"Why n- do you guys remember last time we let a filthy, wild animal into the bar?! It stole a bunch of money and violated our mouths!"

"I don't remember Maureen doing that," said Harry.

"Not Maureen, the monkey!"

"Ohhh," said Harry. "Because I was going to say if it was Maureen, then yeah, I get why you killed her."

"I DIDN'T KILL…" Dennis stopped to compose himself, taking a deep breath. "What the hell is a matter with you guys? Is it that hard to just accept that I'm not a murder?"

"Yes."

"Definitely."

"Yeah."

"Yup."

"You are, aren't you?"

Dennis's face started getting red. "You know what? I'm calling it off. No Fight Milk animal fights in the bar!"

"Bullshit!" yelled Frank

"Well, either way, I'm not cramming eight feral cats in my car!" said Dee. "Four is as high as I'm going to go."

"THAT'S NOT NEARLY ENOUGH MASS AGAINST A PITBULL, YOU BITCH!" screamed Mac, leaning across the bar to put a finger in Dee's face. Naturally, everyone started screaming at and over each other.

"-DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY CROWS EGGS I HAD TO CRACK-"

"-I'M NOT FILLING THE BAR WITH A BUNCH OF DISEASED, VIOLENTLY POISONED ANIMALS-"

"-IT'S FOR HARRY DAY! ON DENNIS DAY WE HAD TO CATEGORIZE ALL YOUR WEIRD TAPES AND-

"-I GOT TWENTY VIETNAMESE COMIN' NEXT WEEK FOR THIS FIGHT! THEY'LL CHOP US TO-"

"-COME UP WITH A PLAN, JUST ONCE, THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE DESTROYING MY GODDAMN CAR YOU PIECES OF-"

"-WE NEED MORE MASS! MORE MASS! MASS! MASS! MASS! MASS! MA-"

"-OH COULD YOU JUST STOP WITH ALL THE MASS BULL-

"Excuse me."

The Gang turned to see an older woman with brown hair. She was wearing some sort of red pantsuit and a pointy hat.

"Who's this jabroni?" asked Dee.

"Cool word, Miss Reynolds," said the woman, before turning towards Harry. "Ah, and this must be Harry. I am Professor Minerva McGonagall, the Assistant Headmistress at Hogwarts. May I say, you are the spitting image of your father, except for your eyes. You have your mother's eyes."

"You know my parents?" asked Harry.

"Why yes I-"

"So can you tell those shitbags to suck a boner for tossing me in a dumpster as a baby?"

The knowing smile slipped from the older woman's face. For a brief moment she seemed incredibly angry.

"Dumpster?! Severus, that son of a-"

"How do you know our names anyway?" asked Dee. "Who sent you?"

Now McGonagall looked confused. "Did you not see the letter that came with him?"

"Letter?" Dennis laughed. "We just took the cash in the envelope and threw the note back in the trash. Who reads letters anymore?"

"Yeah, lady, come on, it's 2017!" laughed Charlie.

"Yeah, y- no." Dennis's face fell. "Wait, no, it's 2024… right?"

"I don't know, I'm blankin'…"

"…it's something… didn't they change how they did it or…"

"…Nine…teen…ninety…one…ish?"

"…Was it a Y2K bunker or a nuclear bunker we have in the basement?"

"…The point is, it's probably not 1986 anymore, granny. Letters are outdated. We're all digital!"

"Then what happened to the seagull that sent your acceptance letter?" asked McGonagall.

"Acceptance letter?" repeated Harry, curious.

"Oh shit, the seabird!" realized Frank. "My bad, I bashed that cunt to pieces with a bat."

"What the…why would you do that?"

"Don't worry, we gave it a proper burial, so there's no curse." said Charlie, sipping his beer. "However, I will say that unless Harry was at sea, or held some sort of Naval captain-tree, correspondence via seabird is not legally valid."

"Well the journey was too long for an- I'm sorry, what are you talking about?"

"Well I'm well versed in bird law."

"Bird law?"

"Just ignore him," Harry advised. "What's this about an acceptance letter?"

McGonagall took a deep breath. "Allow me to explain…"


And so she did. About the school. About his world. About the war. About Harry's parents. About how they died protecting him. About how he was famous. About how his aunt and uncle were unwilling to take him in, About how they managed to track down his mother's second cousins (Dennis and Dee) in Philadelphia. About how a Professor named Snape was entrusted to relay all this information to The Gang, but apparently opted to toss him in a dumpster instead.

About magic.

"Holy shit." whispered Harry.

McGonagall smiled at the boy. While she did not particularly enjoy Harry's colorful vocabulary, it was still a pleasure to see the boy's reaction.

"I'm going to be totally honest with you… Minerva, was it?" asked Dennis. "I couldn't follow any of that."

McGonagall made a face "I'm sorry?"

"Yeah, me neither." said Mac. "I was digging the accent, and the presence of a hot older woman is stirring up a lot of old, confusing feelings for me, but nothing else really made sense."

"I think I missed some stuff too." added Dee.

"I was kinda going in and out for a bit." admitted Charlie.

"I missed the whole thing," shrugged Frank.

"Are you guys serious?!" groaned Harry.

"You see, Minerva, what you'll find about our group is that if you want to engage us into a story, you have to put some more effort into it. If I can't see myself in one of the characters, feel myself in their skin, I-I just can't pay attention." explained Dennis, as the rest of the adults in The Gang nodded and murmured in agreement.

Harry rubbed his temples. "I'll tell you guys later. The highlights are my parents are dead, I got a scholarship to a boarding school in Scotland, and I'm some sort of wizard.

Harry's face fell. "But none of that can be true. I'm not magic. I'm not special. I'm… just Harry."

"Of course you're special, 'Arry," said Frank, pausing from his egg. "Not in the donkey brain way. In the real way."

"Yes Mr. Potter," McGonagall started with a smile. "Is there anything you can think of that you have done? Something that you couldn't explain?"

"Well," Harry mused, giggling a bit. "This one time there was a waiter holding a plate of spaghetti. I thought how hilarious it would be if someone tied his shoelaces together and he fell into the spaghetti. Then it just happened and it got all over him. It was awesome!"

"Splendid, my… come again?"

"What about the time that Jew lawyer made us sign the contract that gave him all our Dick Towel and Kitten Mitten money, and all the copy's got set on fire?" asked Frank

"Did he just say 'Jew Lawyer'?!"

"Or the time all the beers for the Boss Hog challenge showed up in your bag after that stewardess tried to cut us off?"

"Again, Dee, that was Wade Boggs. May he rest in peace."

"Wade Boggs is still alive." grumbled Mac.

"And that time when you made that critic forget who we were after we kidnapped him and his neighbor?"

"What is happening?" McGonagall asked herself, horrified.

"Okay, so maybe Harry's magic or whatever. But how do we know this strange woman's telling the truth about everything else?"

McGonagall pulled out what appeared to be a stick from his suit pocket and pointed it towards the bar. With a swish, the bar lit up in flames. Harry, Mac, Charlie and Frank hopped out of their stools with their beers. Dennis and Dee, who were behind the bar, were running to the side when McGonagall swished his wand again and the flames were extinguished, leaving no damage to the bar.

"Okay, yeah, I'm sold on this Hogwarts thing!" said Harry excitedly. Only one that seemed more enthusiastic was Mac.

"I KNEW IT!" He screamed, hopping up and down. "MAGIC'S REAL! THAT MEANS GOD IS REAL, YOU GUYS!"

"Wait, woah, God? What does God have to do with it?" asked Dennis.

"Yeah, I thought Christians hated magic?" added Dee.

"Well no, only the Protestant's hate magic, which is why they were kicked out of the Church. What we Catholics hate is science, and magic is the opposite of science. Also, Angela Bassett played a witch and a Catholic on that one show, so I win." explained Mac.

McGonagall was stunned "There's… so much to unravel there…"

"Okay, forget about religion. What's your ghoul situation? Are they something that you can buy, or do you have to save them from something?" asked Charlie.

"Do you grant wishes?" asked Dee earnestly.

"Look, let's just move past it," urged Harry. "When does this Hogwarts thing start anyway?"

"You will be expected at Platform 9 King's Cross station on September 1st. Before that, you will need to go to Diagon Alley for your school supplies.

"How are we gettin' to London?" asked Frank. McGonagall raised an eyebrow.

"Professor Dumbledore told me that you had a private jet, do you not?"

"Well yeah, it's not allowed in British airspace on account of the whole investigation with Frank's Fluids."

"What the- fine! We'll just send you the plane tickets. But this time, please, do not kill the bird!"

"Will you meet us there or-"

"No, no, no!" McGonagall said quickly "Uh… I'll be…traveling then. I'll have our Gamekeeper, Rubeus Hagrid, escort you. And of course, the invitation is extended to your…" she looked up and down at The Gang with barely concealed distaste "… guardians."

"Ayo! London bitches!"

"Yes. I'll see you at Hogwarts, Mr. Potter. Best of luck. I have a feeling you'll need it." McGonagall apparated.

"Have I been drinking too much paint, or did she just disappear?" asked Charlie.

"Both," said everyone else in unison.

————

A/N: My first published chapter! I'm currently working on a few different long fics that are more serious in tone, but I have a lot of funny ideas for this one that are quite frankly too good for me to pass up. While everything else I'll only start publishing once I've finished up the first year, this fic is more for fun so I'll just do it as I go. Please review!